Happy Dysfunctional Holidays

We are accustomed to hearing Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzah…and many other holidays this time of year but I would like to wish many of you a Happy Dysfunctional Holidays! Let’s be real, this time of year is far from perfect for many of us. I am not saying I have never had a beautiful memory…like this time I was staying at my aunt and uncle’s house, when I was in high school and everyone was happy, there was no stress and we got a VCR! To top it off it began to snow just as we finished opening presents…

Generally for me the holidays were filled with more than less than perfect moments with divorced parents who never followed the parenting plan and fought constantly, before, during and after the event, through me…I am going to stop there because my stomach is starting to churn.

I had a dream the other night about an old relationship that was not healthy. My friend was a roommate and I loved him a lot but he was a drug addict and he couldn’t keep a job and he was emotionally manipulative. Towards the end of our friendship, I had given everything I had, even our rent money, which instead of giving to the manager, he spent on partying and we were being evicted. These were not the best parts of our relationship; the parts that kept me around. You don’t love someone for a person’s worst parts. Children and animals loved him. He could walk into any group and have a great conversation. He was very intelligent and he taught me a lot of important things. But he was an addict. In the dream I was very aware of this but I had found this one pair of socks that were very beautiful and I wanted to keep them to remember the parts I loved. The rest could go.

I am currently reading a book that I am glad that I didn’t buy and that the library had on hand: Nigger: The Strange Career of a Troublesome Word by Randall Kennedy. It is an emotionally draining book about a word that is considered a fighting word. I bet by the end I will have the same feeling that I have had on every page I have had as I read the first half of the book…I didn’t need to read this book to know that Nigger is life-sucking word.

You know what word can also be a life-sucking word: Family. To let me be more clear it is the two letter phrase: Dysfunctional Family that is life-sucking because the word family can be life-giving, affirming and foundational in so many wonderful ways. My current family which includes, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, our cat, Xavier, and my sister, Jamie Holloway, is amazing. We are honest with each other. We care for each other and share what we have. We are not afraid to talk about anything and even though at times we may have lied, betrayed and hurt each other, we have been able to work through those times and become stronger and more gentle with each other. That is the life-giving part; the brave part.

But in a dysfunctional family secrets, gossip, abuse and running away is what runs the show. This is why when we grow up we seek out abusive relationships, because that is what we know.

I had a dream about a life-long friend last night that kept interrupting me and was trying to needle their way into my life again, after they had dumped me, again. They had been done this many times through our life. The last time they told me they didn’t want to know me. This time I was going to remember this because I had moved beyond the need to be rejected. So in my dream I told them to please move on because I knew they didn’t want to know me and the dream was over.

What if it was that easy with family?

My quiet moments when I am not filling my time, are filled with memories I haven’t thought about in years. Sad times. Angry times. Confusing times. I know that at least one of my family members wants to reconnect. When I get sick of the memories I pray to God and ask Him to bless these people and me, where we are, and please let us all have a good night’s sleep. It has been working for me. But then they start when I am awake…until this morning, I had a memory over another breakup. When I had realized that this relationship was also abusive, I had said I would rather be alone than be emotionally abused.

So that is the answer.

The plus side is that I am not alone. I have Karen, Xavier and Jamie. There are some other casual friends and the ones I haven’t met yet…and God has always been my real parents. He taught me lots of things when I was alone….and I was alone a lot.

I know this may seem cold but it is actually really brave. There are people I didn’t want to lose that I have lost. Sometimes I feel like part of me is gone but then maybe she wasn’t the best part of me. It is brave to say, “Here and no further,” to someone that has had many opportunities to know you and yet doesn’t want to. They have been invited and didn’t show up. They have been called and didn’t answer or call back. They have made plans only to cancel. It is ok to finally realize who is your real family.

Once you do that you might be stuck with some memories that are painful but just keep giving them back to God and thank Him for the “socks”. Merry Christmas.

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.