I knew your nasty cancer ass was here
before the test came back positive
Nobody else feels like you do
But I decided I won’t give you what you want Anger is your favorite side of me
So I might be a little sad, tired, or scared
But I am surrounded by strength
When I don’t have my own
I have someone else to hold onto
I will focus on thankful
I will perpetuate education
and hope and peace and love
because that is how we won the first time
~
Grammy has been here
You liked her so well
you attacked her twice and won
Nana visited me too
She beat you twice
Grandma beat you more than once
She has also stopped by recently
to remind me how strong I am
My grandmothers remind me that
technology has come so far since their day
But life goes on and they are still supporting me
because love doesn’t die
Even if bodies do
~
Mom asked me why you’re back
I know she just wants me not to hurt Sickness just happens sometimes God never promised an easy life
He did promise He would never leave or forsake me
He has carried me every time I couldn’t walk
Nothing will separate me from His love
and not only His but Karen
who quietly takes notes Jamiewho researches for me
Friends who send me loving messages and
the person reading this because
you have that tear running down your cheek
~
I have one of the best doctors in The United States
I’m not sure how that happened
but I am thankful for the blessing Endometrial Cancer is slow growing
This time it is in a different spot and in my lymph nodes Dr Westhoff said systemic was the way to go
So, pills are number one
The ones I took last time are a no
They caused blood clots and weight gain
She is excited that I have lost over 100 pounds
But Letrozole causes joint pain
Well pain is just something to tackle
So I have decided I am going to win this time too
~
And I have contacted my rheumatologist and my neurologist
I will see my primary next week
because this fight takes the whole team
I talk to my therapist on the 20th
I think I will be ok until then So here is to my joy!
Because I never understood the phrase
“Fuck Cancer”
I only have enjoyed sex with those I truly love
and trust and want to hold onto
And YOU, my dear, are none of those things
I never thought you were really gone
But I will only truly be happiest when you are out of my life forever!
If my cries for help
can somehow
change from the groaning of my soul
with no words that I know
to joyful worship of You
before You hear me
That is my prayer
~
I know I need
I know I struggle
and so do You
But so do all of my siblings
and we are all connected
to one another
We are part of each other
~
You are not afraid of pain
and sorrow
You have born it all
and You will help us heal
each other
One laugh, one smile,
one kind word at a time
One bottle of water
~
Living Ministries
are a tribute to life Ministry refers to a position of service
or an administrative body
It spans distinctly 3 areas: government, Spirit, and art
This is my heart
~
I am a child of Cowlitz County
It is her that I love
Let us learn her song
and dance together
Let us be Cowlitz County Strong together
~
Living Ministries was begun in November of 2010 mainly out of my broken heart for homeless people who were falling through cracks in services. We had a great run. We worked with many great organizations and helped a lot of people with fundraising and encouragement. And then I got sick and political things happened and life went along as it does. One thing that I did as Living Ministries was to create an Online Resource Database and I have continued to maintain it. I have not done anything else; however, I know Living Ministries is not done. If you would like to get together with me or are interested in joining with me, please fill out our Board Member Application. If you have any questions, please Contact Living Ministries.
Living Ministries (Summer D Clemenson) promises to keep your information confidential. We cannot promise privacy for any information given via email. Please do not send personal information via email.
I’m sitting here in the night
it is quiet except
for Karen‘s occasional snoring
and the ringing in my left ear
I’m waiting for a new idea
~
I listen to her breathe
She has been my strength
when I couldn’t find mine
because I have been waiting
Hoping that someone would save me
from the pain that doesn’t heal
~
Some pain doesn’t heal
Some because it is chronic mentally or medically
and some because it even cut the soul
So even if it kind of gets better it always festers
~
But I like the quiet
The dreams haven’t come yet
Maybe they will foresee a beautiful future
instead of being a traumatic nightmare
where Karen wakes me up
or worse, my face explodes and I wake myself up
and writhe in the bloodless nerve pain
~
Some pain doesn’t heal
in fact, you know it will be there
Even if it isn’t there now
It will find you
and being brave is not a choice it is a lifestyle
They didn’t protect me as a child
they must have noticed I wasn’t there
when he came to see his mother
They knew his abuse
They knew what broke him
Some even helped make him who he is
They knew he was not safe
and still is not
~
They will not protect me now
No one is coming
I am here with my wife
knowing that his second wife
has consumed any goodness in him
and no one will stop him
They have chosen him over me
Again, I am collateral damage
~
This mental illness that has been passed down
through generations is called PTSD
because violence, porn, and neglect do not raise healthy adults
Every trip from Longview to Yakima
he screamed at me all the hate he had trapped inside
and then from Yakima to Longview he did it again
When I get triggered, it feels brand new
It takes a few days to pack it away again
~
I have cut ties with many people
I must let go of everything that does not serve me
I asked Karenif she is ready
to be the Kelso-Longview Clemensons
tethered to no one
Because no one is coming to save me
She said: Bring it on!
The woman who’s name I bear is dead
~
We get to define it however we like
So, from now on if you say you love me and you don’t prove it
Keep walking
God said He was more important than family
and now I know why
Because I held a human heart in my prayers last night
and I could have cursed it but instead, I handed it to Him
and not everyone will do that
sometimes I hurt all over
and I don’t know why
I remember Mom asking me why
I was angry when I was a girl
and I didn’t know then
and I don’t know today
I just hurt all over
all over it hurts
and I don’t know why
~
every day I offer this pain to God
I give Him these tears
and every day there are more to give Him
He told me to give up the things
that no longer serve me
but I feel like this is a job
to serve Him
this collection of tears and pain
to give to Him that will never end
~
last night I sang with my brother
there were other performers
but when he sang
we sang to God and the Spirits moved
and souls were ruffled because angels
were with us and Jeff broke the sound barrier
and we were in a bar
and that is not an offering normally sold there
but we gave it freely
~
today I have collected new tears
and the pain has assembled
because humanity is prolific
this is not what God meant
but He knew what we would do
when He said to be fruitful and multiply
I can’t bear children
but I am aware of pain
I collect it even without trying
~
so I stretch and do my workouts
to remain flexible
I talk to God as much as I remember
and it doesn’t sound holy
I must read the good book regularly
or my mind gets negative beyond healthy
and I leave many humans alone
because they are not safe
even if I love them and they love me
It occurred to me I am no longer afraid of the things in the dark
The things that scare me most
happen in the daylight People arrested for peacefully protesting A baby shot because his mother stole diapers Small businesses taxed so high Police officers who can’t arrest homeless people who defile the businesses My mother has had a tumor on her liver for years now
She has insurance but her doctors just keep watching it
The paper plant in my hometown had a catastrophic event
because the tank holding caustic liquid was above ground
so it didn’t have be inspected by anyone so 11 men died on a Tuesday in May
~
Maybe it is because I have stared death in the eye
more than once
Cancer lost and even blood clots didn’t win
Maybe it’s because I am older now
and my perspective is coming from a different angle
But the things that made me cry when I was a child
still make me take a pause and a breath
My fear is for things I really don’t understand
Like senselessness, selfishness and people who don’t listen to their soul
No matter what side of the sun they are on terrify me
~
“Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together
and all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 4:31 through 5:1
~
I want to trade my traditions and religious training
for freedom
to love and laugh and speak life
into my fellow humans who feel tired
forgotten, overworked and heavy burdened
Because our Spirit is supposed to be free
to do the things I just said
And the contract is easy if you love
And it doesn’t matter what time it is
or where you are
Because religion stalls
but the Spirit feeds us
and creates even if you aren’t used to it yet You can grow into it
~
Note: Jamie Holloway colored the art and inspired the scripture to polish this poem which was started at the Songs of Hope Fundraiser for the families of the Nippon Disaster that happened in May 2026. I started writing this poem while I was listening to an artist talk about one of her songs at Fei’s Carriage Restaurant and Lounge.
I have been run through with this sword more than once
Many have held it
but your hand hurts pretty bad
Because you keep saying you love me exactly the way I am
~
I respect our differences
I find you fascinating
I love your brain and heart
even if we will never be able to talk about politics
I have never met anyone more intense than me before
~
I think that makes the sword two sided and more deadly
because I feel like I’m bleeding out
and the boundaries only work
if they are honored
and we can’t seem to act in return
~
I am guilty too
but when you tell me how I hurt you
I don’t mince words or shirk ownership
Yet you only apologize for your words and then I seem to pay
because you are not careful enough with me
~
You say you feel shell-shocked
because I overreacted
I own that because I did
but DEI and Pride are not political to me
They are my life
~
I live them so they aren’t just talking points
and when my wife is being attacked in public
and I can’t save her
and my city has had a catastrophe and I am mourning
and you want me to be casual
~
When nothing about me is accidental
maybe unedited or anxiety ridden at times
but that is my disorder
DEI includes Women, Disabled, Immigrants, and Queer It’s not just Black and White
~
When my body is striking a war against me
and I can’t speak
or eat or drink or sleep
I guess I need some empathy
and not a dispute
~
Even though you are suffering too
and we both know the meaning of bombardment
I can’t be what you need anymore
Because while you are struggling to breathe
I am fighting to exist
~
I have to let go now
Love wasn’t the issue
How we define it is different
I don’t choose to fight with you anymore
I need my energy for me
My soul is often screaming
and right now I am not ok
As fast as I can break a contract
I find another that festers
I want to be free
~
Free from promises
no one will keep
Even if they say so
Even if they love me
Even if I forgive them over and over
~
This is bigger than politics
This is bigger than systems
that keep you and me trapped
in groups based on demographics
like skin color or nation of origin
disability, financial status, religion sexuality or gender identity
~
If I can’t be myself
without being found guilty
If there is no gentleness
or honesty or protection on all sides
no wonder I spend most of my time by myself
~
I don’t see things in black and white
And some days my bruises color my response
I have wanted to be different but I can’t
because I am always on fire
even if it is just a few embers
~
I’m losing interest in things one by one Systems made to help people
don’t work for me
And I need a break
I’ve been pulling the fire alarm
but since you can’t see the flames
I hope I don’t take you out when I implode
~
I must let go of everything that does not serve me
I have been trying for a long time
for as long as I can remember
Things are easy to hand over
its the memories that linger
~
Which is why it is easier to love strangers
to not let people get too close
Why I can live in a chasm
but never let anyone have access
unless I am in control
~
Truth has many sides that depend on what side you are on
Because the world is schizophrenic or at least bipolar
Every system is set up to fail someone
Limitations are not imagined
I can only give out of my abundance
unless I choose to let myself erupt
because I didn’t learn to release
~
Because I am above ground
Federal and State inspections are not required
short of a catastrophic failure
much like the swamp that was supposed to be drained
which is why the president’s house is not transparent
~
When we can’t understand what is happening
around ourselves that we get angry
and we can’t see what we are really doing
That we stop making the right decisions
And we start or we continue letting fear get bigger than love
The spots on my pillow
are from when I bled in my sleep
The tears of my people
who have walked with my feet
The groans I hear inside
usually do not overcome
the ringing in my ears
To suffer is to have lived
To have looked at your fears
Many can ignore this
But I am uniquely wired
~
The water tasted different when I was a child
Delicious and refreshing
Now metallic and pithy
But I think the change came
as a choice to protect us from Industry and Commerce
so that our needs for bills to be paid
For homage to the Almighty Dollar
would not strip us of our need
for a glass of water
~
The men came home yesterday
from the medical examiner in Seattle
Soon they will be laid to rest
among their people
May we never forget the light they carried
May we hold it for them
and honor them in our love and laughter
May we hope and dream
May we learn and lean
May we never let what happened at Nippon
happen again
~
But let us cherish the way we came together
How we loved each other
in honor of these every day people
Who just showed up to work
on a Tuesday in May
But didn’t go home to their homes on earth
So we rallied and supported their children and each other
Because there are many kinds of families Cowlitz County isn’t perfect
but we are family
We don’t say drive safe
because you are a bad driver
But because sometimes you might be tired
from working overtime so you can pay your bills
And what about people who get sick
Because a stroke of genius
is not the only thing that can
happen behind the wheel
And what about people who just don’t care
because no one makes you hand over your keys
when you take a toke or a drink or however you escape
That’s why we wear seatbelts
and they don’t care what color you are
~
The same goes with White Supremacy
it tastes different in everyone’s mouth
Because we know it at different degrees
You might not actually hate
but you might know someone who does
You might hold beliefs born of this disease
But if you don’t or you won’t look at it
it wont change
You might not hate me
or my Black wife
But if you won’t even look at it
what does that say to me? Fear is an equal opportunity employer
~
Dr Samuel Johnson said in his 1775 treatise Taxation No Tyranny “How is is that we hear the loudest yelps for liberty among the drivers of negroes?”
Most of our founding fathers owned slaves
because they had never known a world without them Black people were seen as property
and used against us even by the British
It was wrong but if you can’t see it
How do you change?
But 250 years later we are celebrating our freedom
and it is time to look at our foundation and
see if there are holes to be filled
~
We are the United States of America
We are not a continent
We are a community
and together we need to live
To do this we must take our good medicine
Take our seatbelts off and move around
I want to see if we can trade any of this fear for love
then maybe we can be on the solid ground Celebrate all of us
Even the hard parts because we deserve it
Acknowledging everyone is scary
but only for a little bit
Because freedom is found in the daylight
He’s not too much
if you understand him
because he sees the beauty
in the quiet softness and it isn’t an act
The soft voice and black fingernails aren’t for you
They make him happy
while he sings songs about eyelashes and dinosaurs
and purple because
that is where his magic is at
~
“When you dream will you dream of me”
All he wants is what he gives
Because he doesn’t want to live alone
But its hard to carry
a chronic person
when you’re a chronic person
and that’s who he picks
Instead of someone who gives
and doesn’t keep score
~
But he’s always a gentleman
no matter the temperature
of his songs you’ll never know
how cold or how big
the history of him is
Because like an iceberg
You only see a bit
He deserved happiness and rainbows
but instead that is what
he writes songs about
~
Tattoos and hats cover what he hates
His 2nd wife calls him a loser
But I see how he takes garbage
people who don’t know throw at him
and he makes custom guitars and beautiful songs
So like the term raptor means “to seize by force”
that is what Jeff does with life
And what you take from him
He makes it into a treasure
My friend sent an article today
about people I’m related to
And I don’t see it her way anymore
Because I can’t
Because even though our skin looks the same
I got some skin in the game
and I know things I didn’t know before
things I can’t label but I definitely believe
~
I might have overreacted
The article was written by a Black man
She doesn’t understand why that doesn’t apply
Since everyone is an individual
If you can pay your way out
or you are smart enough
You might be able to get better faster
But it is not her job to make me comply
~
I educated her again
But she would not look at my pain
Would not acknowledge she brought it up
Just a week after a local catastrophe
I’m still trying to catch my breath
In fact we’ve had a few lately
I get she has her own trauma
I don’t understand the self sabotage
~
I have been here before with her
this plateau before goodbye
Where you consider whether
to jump or not
Because I won’t be abused
I had hoped her mind
would catch up to her big heart
Maybe it will before I take off
In the dark is where the secrets sing their truths
Where intentions are authentic
Whether awake or in dreams
these revelations
if you can remember them
and stay focused
to represent them
You have the ability to change the frequency
To move the energy that keeps the record playing
While we dance together in this world
~
And who am I
to share with you what isn’t mine
Yet what you most deserve
But what we share
but can never carry or change
Such a beautiful sage and glorious ritual
has been established
by tradition and folly
And we may anoint with oil
and pray over it but never own
~
And I hold before you
an enchanted mirror
to show you what you have refused to see
And in your rage
you strike and shatter
the truth of ages and bring a curse of vanity
and hate and violence and shame
Because you will not repent
You have chosen
not to be redeemed
~
So we stand in front of
this cauldron
with fresh rosemary, lavender and mint
And we sing
the song of our ancestors
because it is natural
And we don’t know anything else to do
And we stir in the black pepper and basil
We work the craft of our people
knowing we want the inflammation to subside
I don’t struggle with my faith
or what I believe about God
because He and I are as solid as the fact that
He never changes
And His love never leaves
But while I live in this earth
this body I live in is subject
to laws and expectations
set by human hands
Not the ones that carry me
I love the trees and tall grasses
The sound of the water all around
He made those for me
~
As people label the Triune or Trinity Yahweh or Elohim Allah, Brahma,Zeus or The Great Spirit
I don’t care if you don’t believe
in a Creator or Supreme Being
I know what I know
and I don’t have energy
or I won’t give energy
to sell you mine
Because a God that created this magnificent earth
can advertise
and close the deal on a relationship with you
~
I am not brittle
though I have been broken
I am not afraid of you
because my left leg weighs
more than most of you
If you attack me
I will just sit on you
until the authorities arrive
I enjoy the silence because
I enjoy surrender
I don’t trust people
but I do love you
Let’s dance on this earth together
~
Faith is strength
when seated in the correct plan
because it isn’t found in control
or people, time, money
or what humans understand
and efficiency that leaves no room for release
Because fear is a tool and currency
when we go to the author of our faith
and let Them carry us when
we must let Their faith be enough
because ours is not
When our tears are many
we can trade them for love
~
Because love is what we are here for folks
I saw it yesterday in a parking lot
When 5000 or so gathered
to feed our family
When people from Kelso-Longview
and Kalama and Castle Rock
and Woodland came
to hold up our brothers
Even though we aren’t perfect
and we mount coffins in the wrong spot
We still are Cowlitz County
And our Maker is holding space for us
And we are holding up each other
~
So don’t worry if you’re broken
If you can’t walk without help
If you can’t quote scripture
If you can only smile
Because we are here to love our neighbor
If we did it wrong yesterday
Do it right today
Perfect is not found here
just give us the best you got
~
Donate to Nippon Families
Now you can Venmo your donation to the families affected by the Nippon tragedy. Use this QR code to transfer to the fund established by Cowlitz Wahkiakum Labor Council and the Longview/Kelso Building Trades Council held at Longshoremen’s FCU. You can also donate at ANY Cowlitz County credit union. Or, donate through our Online Banking by transferring to 788370-02-Community.
Somewhere over the rainbow
the world is exactly the same
because God
doesn’t like illusions
But He is love
and there is no evil in Him
So we don’t wear masks
or play mind games
and every person is important
~
White Liquor has a pH over 13
it can take hours to wash off
By itself it causes deep tissue damage
Mix it with any other substance
and you’re adding more trouble
Hours under running water to
remove this corrosive compound
sounds like a reason to want to die
or at least disassociate
~
If you are new to Kelso-Longview
you might not understand
Why we walk carefully
around the topic
We were created to be a Mill Town
and that is what we are Shift work and rough hands are our foundation
But we rally to care for
brothers and sisters
~
The same love that is God
that keeps you chasing life
even when chemical burns are eating you alive
And neighbors who may never have met before
join at a barbecue
to raise money for our family
It brings us together
because no matter what you call love
We have it in Cowlitz County
My insides are raw from crying
and they aren’t even just my own tears
My muscles ache
and my joints pop
from clenching
and power surges that keep me awake
I woke the ancestors of many
I saw them gather at the foot of my bed
~
I am not afraid
I have known I was here for a large commitment
I have dreamed of and tried to leave
But I always returned
and now I am here to stay
So I might as well be the catalyst
But the goal is not calluses
It is new growth for a new generation
~
I hear the edge in my voice
I hear the roar in my veins
I see it also in my sister’s eyes
as she fights her way back from death
Again
What I am experiencing is carnal
I am at capacity
It isn’t that I don’t care
~
I am not angry
or I would not be communicating at all
I want to be understood My soul is mourning
and she doesn’t want to lose anyone else
I don’t hate actually
I love so thoroughly
I want the hurting to stop
so let’s do something we’ve never done
I’m on fire again
but I have been knocked down
so many times
I can function at any level
I find myself at
I’m not always at my best on my feet
because I have spent so much time getting back up again
~
I’m used to the smell of cinders
I have considered changing
my name to Cinderella
but I like Birkenstocks
I am sure they are better for plantar fasciitis than glass high heels
Plus I love my queen
I don’t want a mere prince
~
It’s tragic how the water in the slough
turns black
when it gets flooded with White Liquor
But who needs wild life and fresh water
Even in a Mill Town
that requires trees
How many more defensive attacks
will we experience before we are through
~
Dispatch called in EMS
because my heart stopped
But I will be ok
I just needed a reboot
Give me a minute
I will be with you shortly
Thank you for your patience
We have just experienced a catastrophic event
Holy, Holy, Holy Is The Lord God Almighty and I am one of His but there are people running around screaming Trump Derangement Syndrome And the odd thing is I am sure they have it and they scream DTS to throw off their scent while they don’t realize that we are not in Washington DC
~
I love them but what they are doing Never feels, looks, or sounds like love to me Lord Jesus I need an ice pop because hell fire is right here It’s all in the bible but it is the opposite of what You said to do The fines cost less than compliance and no one made them comply The mess is so dangerous to clean up and some of them they will never find
~
My hometown is suffering catastrophic consequences due to ignored due diligence Because economics sometimes outweighs the needs of people Because even though some try to sell us the lie That religion is our foundation Back room deals and doctored balance sheets are the real leader of the US of A
~
Thank You to my Creator for the people who are working together The Kelso-Longview community who will support each other When the president has said nothing The GoFundMes the fundraisers and the soft words mean the world to me Because we are Cowlitz Strong We don’t even realize the shoulders we are standing on and the tears I cried today were not just my own
This Store has been set up as a fundraiser store to help raise money for the Families affect by the tragic events at the Nippon Mill in Longview. With tragic events such as this, we have to come together as a community and do what we can to help. We would like to donate a portion of our proceeds(10$ per shirt/15$ per hoodies) to the Lower Columbia Longshoremen’s credit union donation account for the families affected. We will make and ship orders in batches, roughly every 2 weeks. Thank you so much for your support!
If you are curious about us and how we make your gear, check out http://TGArtCo.com.
PLEASE NOTE, CREDIT CARDS WILL SHOW TEAM UNIFORM ORDERING (TUO) ON YOUR STATEMENT. PLEASE DO NOT DISPUTE THE CHARGE OR YOU WILL BE ASSESSED A $15 FEE THAT THE CREDIT CARD PROCESSOR CHARGES. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS REGARDING THIS, PLEASE CONTACT US DIRECTLY BEFORE ORDERING
Sometimes we moan
whether in our body or Spirit
when words aren’t enough “The Spirit intercedes with groanings too deep for words and God who searches hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to His will”
~
We are His creation and He is mine
Though I wasn’t born here
I am a daughter of Kelso-Longview
I have not slept for longer than and hour or two
since Monday May 25th of 2026
Nothing would shut down this Washingtonian body
wired and rebooted in Cowlitz County I know this pain I feel is not just mine
~
The sounds and sirens and wailing
whether imagined or real
was louder than the ringing in my ears
or the music on my iPhone
So as the electric pulses shot through my face
as I Googled electromagnetic force field
because even though science is a topic
I never excelled at, words intrigue me
and this phrase flashed in my mind
~
This group of words explains why opposites attract
and why being neutral goes nowhere
I think that is why I hate ignorance
and stagnance
and I love questions
This town was built by people with rough hands
but people without calluses run it
I love the color green because I love trees
not because I love money
~
But financing is necessary to keep
currency flowing in all fields
However love is free when we want it to be
and right now 2 people are confirmed dead
and 9 humans are missing and 8 injured
and I can’t look at the picture of the implosion
that happened at Nippon yesterday without feeling sick
I love you
Be blessed
There is a monster in my closet
I didn’t put her there
But I remember a life
before it wasn’t
and then it was
because my father put it there
~
I remember always being happy
when I had rainbows on my curtains
When I dreamed of being a singer
When I helped him build our shed
But then he got a job at the gas station
right next door to The Woodshed it was different
~
And the yelling probably slowed down
because he didn’t come home as much
I remember going there
and waiting in the car
I remember lots of crying
and the phone being hung up
~
I remember being afraid
and the lawn mower being stolen
even though we had grass
and he didn’t
I remember meeting the monster
and thinking: she looks like a witch
~
The scandal was great
and we paid dear
He even had to move because
the guys he worked with didn’t want him near
The monster and I hated each other
and she always won
~
Eventually I left
partially because he told me
“If you are the only one with a problem
then you are the problem.”
I remind myself of that
to avoid wrongful retribution from a narcissist or two
~
I keep cleaning out my closet
but I ran into her the other day
I worry about him because
he seems smaller in some ways
But I can’t be concerned about him
because he made his choice and it wasn’t me
~
Men’s loud voices still make me jump
and sometimes cry
But her voice
The monster’s voice makes all
the hair on my body stand up
and I get very quiet inside
~
I have fought with him and I always win
Because he is a coward
What kind of man leaves a wife and children
for a demon who will help him conquer
everything in their path?
~
I am a warrior because I have learned
To wage my battles
My scars are many
And she is not worth the fight
I have been made small since I was about 4
My gestures
My words
My thoughts and feelings were often too big
not to mention this big body of mine
that doesn’t fit in all chairs
and doesn’t do what I want
I have been thanked for giving you space to be you
and then been criticized for being me
It doesn’t feel like love if I can’t breathe
~
When I was the only one
I was worshipped
But when I was no longer singular
I became a target and
eventually I was too much
Only fit to serve
and often alone
But I am capable of doing great things
And there are people worthy of trusting
I will wait for them to find me
~
The team I have chosen is only 3
but they got me through 13 diagnoses and cancer
They ask me when they don’t know
They let me choose I can be my full self I don’t play games that don’t sit on a shelf
I don’t have to take pictures to prove I love them
because they are with me always
Even if it is just us
~
So I am done being made small
If you don’t want me
If you tell me one thing in September
and then show me another in May
I will walk away
Because my chosen family is
unpretentious but enough for me
And I would rather have honesty
then be part of an emotional shit show
or whatever you think I want
~
I have always hated Reality TV shows
because I live authentically
I told my therapist I felt like crying
I had letters to write to the school board
but I was too emotional
Matthew said to write first drafts
and read them again tomorrow
~
I told him I was sad
because I didn’t realize how much
it would bother me that The Late Show was cancelled
I always learned something from Stephen Colbert
~
I remember when 47 was 45
I couldn’t say his name without an anxiety attack
I know nothing in the world has changed
We just don’t hide it anymore
Did you know that every president in my lifetime has been shot at?
~
I saw Jamie‘s post that her voice came back
When you breathe through a trach
it is hard to produce enough oxygen
to activate your vocal chords
I have been in a flare and in pain but I liked her comment
~
I did my selfcare and took my meds
I even spoke to Matthew
but I had nothing for today
So I took a nap
When Jamie called I was sound asleep
~
I had given up asking God for her voice
I don’t know if she had
but on the last day of The Late Show
was Jamie’s birthday
and she got her voice
~
And the color of her face was rosy
and she showed me her last surgery
was a success
And her voice is rather sexy
and now my tears are for joy
~
And although many of us are mourning
a show we loved to watch
Stephen has his team
and he will prevail
I have my own team
~
And the humble and excited smile on Jamie’s face
reminded me that I am on Team Jamie
and I am happy to be here!
Please wait...
