I Hate You

If I were to make my outside
look like my inside
you would probably say it was my fault
The knife cuts and the razor blades
would only embellish where the scars don’t already live

~

You wouldn’t smile at me while we spoke
We would never speak honestly
It wouldn’t matter how pretty my teeth are
my smile would never shine enough
to help you get beyond your terrifying truth

~

It wouldn’t matter what color my eyes chose to be today
You would not be able to look me in the eye
The puss and the infection would offend you before
you could get close enough to see them
You might not look at me at all

~

The process of healing takes time
sometimes you have to start over
sometimes you find more scars
when you thought you were done
I am so angry

~

I am so angry that I feel those knife cuts
even though I didn’t make them
I am so angry that I feel like I am bleeding out
even though it is just figurative
but it feels like it did when it happened

~

Every time you hurt me
Every time you lied
Every time you manipulated the world to serve you
I never heard you behind my back
but I heard what you said about others
why wouldn’t you speak lies about me

~

I hate you
My therapist says its ok
She says anger is meant to push me to
change something or protect something
Either way it has to be me that gets better

~

God knows you never did

~

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