If you were to stand on top of a mountain in an area where land was owned, boundaries would be easily seen, marked by fences, streets and structures that confine. But if you were to imagine that I am my own mountain, that you are your own beautiful valley, and that your neighbor is unchartered wilderness, the boundaries might be harder to know. Especially if you don’t really recognize yourself. But boundaries are part of good mental health.
Many of us worry more about fixing others, over our own needs because our own needs are too much. We built a life where trust is complicated. We say you can trust me, but I don’t really trust you. We have been hurt deeply; so much so that we never really came back. We can’t really trust ourselves, but we will fix you.
That’s why boundaries are hard to understand. Boundaries feel bad if you don’t understand them, if you are not on stable ground, if you need to be in control, if you are not used to getting your needs met by anyone other than yourself. If we are talking about property rights, you might be able to understand because there are contracts and laws involved. But since we are talking about my heart, you expect free range because that is what you have always taken. Yet that is not the way I have built the life I live now.
Now I want to be myself.
If you wanted to have a party in my garden on a specific day and the details worked for both of us, we could have a great day. But if my mother-in-law died and my wife is struggling, and my chronic illness is flaring and my cancer came back and I can’t handle the noise and mess of the party, I would expect you would have compassion. I would expect that you would understand that we would probably postpone or maybe cancel the party, or at least that you would find another place to have your party. Even if you had already invested in repairs to the garden, bought all the garden furniture and even had a gardener come to make the yard perfect. I know it would be an expense to you, and I would do what I could to make it up to you later, but it would be the thoughtful thing to do.
I don’t live in a world that is thoughtful. I know this, but I have built a world that I choose to live in that is thoughtful, or at least I try to be as much as possible. When I am upset, I dream about what I could do to help myself feel better. I know I might not be able to do it, or it might take me a long time to be able to afford it, but it gives me hope. I sent thank you notes and birthday cards, when I remember; chronic pain and memory loss sometimes make it hard to be as thoughtful as I want to be, but I keep trying. I am not casual about relationships, so I can’t have a lot of close ones, because it takes a lot to take care of myself and my family.
Personal boundaries are new to me. I learned then in therapy and reading books and I am still learning them. Emotional or behavioral limits or any limits that I got to pick were not something I was not taught growing up. We just didn’t know how. These limits are meant to make me feel safe and respected and heard in relationships and I like it.
Today I heard Michael Thompson, an influencer I listen to, say: Love yourself to be yourself.” I love this. We need to be free to be ourselves and we need to let others be themselves. We sometimes also need to set limits on how much time we give to people who haven’t learned how to let us be ourselves.
That is something my friend Linea taught me. She told me that if someone is not allowing you to be yourself than you need to decide how much time you are going to allow them to have in your life. This is the hard part. Because when you love someone and you want to be around them, but they keep overstepping your boundaries, eventually you have to decide how much time you can give them. I don’t respond well to criticism. I shut off. It is my natural response to it. Pushing me has the same effect. It isn’t that I don’t like to be told what to do, at this point in my life, I know I have the right to choose, and I just stop when you disrespect me. I don’t have to let you finish your explanation; I don’t have to let you have your way, if you were hitting me, you would know it was abuse, but words hurt sometimes more than fists.
I have built the life I want. I don’t care if I am not wealthy, I will never change how I think or live. Money is a tool. When I am overwhelmed, the bible will always be where I go, because that is where I find what I am looking for. If I am being pushed, I will push people away because I do not respond well to being pushed, I never have. I don’t have to be what other people want me to be. I was not created to make anyone, other that God happy, and He delights in me. I love people, but I love me and out of the abundance of love that is in me, that is found in Christ, I love others.
I understand not trusting people. Every person I have every trusted has failed me. Some people can’t be let back in, because they did not repent. The definition of repentance is to feel sincere regret or sorrow about something you did that was wrong and then make a conscious effort to change your behavior. We don’t talk about this enough: not in church or anywhere. But this is important. You can’t just say you are sorry. You have to try to change. I have forgiven people, but they didn’t change. They didn’t try to make themselves a safe space for me so I can’t allow them access to me. Part of loving myself is protecting myself from unsafe people.
This is good mental health. I love you. Be Blessed.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The other day, one of Karen’s clients came over to meet me. I was so happy to finally see her in person. We have been chatting online for a long time. Karen G Clemenson and I moved a month ago, so we are very close to the gym, and I finally was able to meet her. She wasn’t here for long because she didn’t have a lot of time to share. I am hoping she comes again; maybe for dinner and brings her family. She brought some food she had made for her family, and she made sure she let me know that she had removed the veins and seeds from the peppers since Karen “doesn’t like spicy food.”
The next day Karen came in with gorgeous flowers from another client’s garden. This gift was the perfect gift. I love fresh flowers, but they are never in our budget. Plus, she grew them with her own two paws. I know the time and energy it takes when I crochet or cook something, so I really appreciate gifts like this.
If you want to buy Karen and I things you will find some interesting things on My Amazon Wish List that you will find a link to on the lower right-hand side of this site. There are items at all different price ranges and all kinds of interests. If you order something, it will come directly to our home so you don’t have to worry about if we will get it. It has been tested. I maintain it. Because I buy things off it and add things to it.
The Wish List wasn’t my idea. Jamie Holloway needed to have her site updated. There was a link to PayPal for donations, however it was a link to Living Ministries, and I need to update our banking information and so for the time being, I needed to take it down. In several years, no one has ever made a money donation to Jamie’s site. But people randomly send her things. Jamie suggested that I create a link to Jamie’s Amazon Wish List. I thought it was a great idea, and I did it that day. After thinking about it, I decided to do it for myself as well.
The gifts Karen and I would love the most, are an invitation to your house. I can bring something safe for me to eat, if I need to. If we are doing pizza, I can even bring my own, or even my own take out, if that is what we are doing. Or I can just bring my own leftovers; we can also do a potluck kind of thing. I totally love that idea. If you don’t want to cook, but you want to eat with us, invite yourself over. I love to cook. I have a dining room table with 6 chairs. I tend to have cookies in the freezer and left overs in the fridge. I like relationship more than food. Maybe we will just make big bowls of popcorn and watch a movie…There are many ways to fill bellies!
When Karen tells you she doesn’t like spicy food, it is true, but in reality, my body does not digest specific peppers. They literally just rot in my stomach until my body decides to eliminate them. That can be a painful week. I have a lot of food sensitivities. I have a lot of rules about food because I have GERD and I have to listen to my body. It is not because I am picky (I love and miss spicy food!). I projectile vomit acid sometimes. I don’t like doing that. But it is not as bad as when my intestines just shut down for a week. I don’t know when that will happen, but if I am strict about food it doesn’t happen. If I choose to eat foods that are not on my safe list, I have to prepare myself for before and after. It’s a process. I have to plan for it.
If you want to buy gift certificates, we tend to buy most of our groceries and gas at Safeway. We also shop at Grocery Outlet, Fred Meyers, Walmart, Amazon, Ebay (we get most of our clothes on Ebay, also our CDs and Books). We sometimes like Etsy. We like Red Leaf Coffee, Cafe Guse’s, and Crafty Works, LLC.
I am not telling you all this because I want you to go out and buy us gifts. What we really like is to see you. The best way to reach me initially is on Facebook Messenger, we can see where it goes from there. Karen is next to impossible to reach unless you can get an appointment at the gym and that is probably not going to change; she is just wired to be a workaholic, I have known her for 23 years and she has always been this way. I am struggling a lot with the pain management I am undergoing right now, but I am trying to be as normal as I can, however I am in a lot of pain from the cancer, my memory is a challenge, and I am very emotional a lot of the time. I hope when you interact with me, I am at my best.
For the 12 years we have been married we never really had a place we could invite people to. It was either too small or not the kind of place you invite people to. I am excited that we have a beautiful home we can invite you to now. My whole life, I have been collecting beautiful things to set up a beautiful home, and I want to show it off. You, my friend, are the perfect gift.
I hope you are doing well. I love you. Be blessed.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
We had planned to grow old together
while we giggled in math class
or fell asleep because life was challenging
We recognized a sameness
in each other
Not exactly but we knew to be gentle
How to not push on the damaged parts
~
Our love has always been as honest
as we could afford to be
It was earned and learned
We even took a break
when we could not grow
beside each other Trauma is a terrible divider
~
Real love made us sisters
Even separated we were devoted
Love brought us back together
because true love can seed reconciliation
and God is the best Creator
He knew we needed each other
~
We have spoken life to each other
I know God has written the script
more than once
when I could hear no one
I could hear you
I have felt the temperature change
because I said or didn’t say something
~
I have enjoyed reaching middle age with you
I don’t care about things that use to
be so heavy
Honesty has sometimes gotten easier
but sometimes it is harder too
We aren’t going to grow old together
I don’t want to waste our time talking about it
~
You have helped make me brave
You have helped me look at things
I didn’t want to see
You have helped me find the real me
You helped me find my voice
You showed me how to let others be
You have been one of my greatest gifts
~
I can never repay you
and you will never ask
But if you want anything
If I can bless you in any way
that I haven’t thought upon on my own
all you have to do is ask
Love is just not a big enough word
My goal is to remember to talk to God first every day. Today I didn’t forget. God knows I don’t mean to forget but I get distracted. I talk to God throughout the day. It is my goal to make God first. I know God is busy. Today I know I can’t do this day without some help.
The cancer is back. Yesterday I found out that surgery is not an option. It took me several hours, but I finally cried when it was just me and Karen G Clemenson and it was almost time for bed.
On July 9th I found out that the cancer had returned after a trip to the ER. I was having severe abdominal pain, and I was afraid I would not be able to walk if I waited longer. From imaging, PeaceHealth St John said they thought the cancer was back. After my gynecological oncologist at Legacy Salmon Creek, Dr Westhoff, had seen the imaging and also compared it with the PET scan I had, she confirmed that endometrial cancer had returned in a different spot and was also in the lymph nodes. I have been taking Letrozole since then. This drug does not cause blood clots or weight gain, like Megestrol, which is the drug I took with my first bout. However, Letrozole does cause pain.
I have been struggling with my emotions quietly because I had just got my energy back from my 3-year battle and the one internal radiation treatment, that took a year for me to heal from. The experience left a lasting effect, mentally and physically.
I had a biopsy on my lymph nodes on July 22nd.
On July 24th I went back to PeaceHealth St John ER because the pain in my abdomen was so terrible that I could not stand up straight. Even with taking 5 mg of Oxycodone. After more imaging was done, they thought that I had an ovarian torsion, which means the ovary is twisted over onto itself and cutting the blood supply off. While there, they gave me another 5 mg of Oxycodone. Later they gave me some Dilaudid. They eventually gave me some Fentanyl. I don’t know why anyone would take Fentanyl for fun, even when I was trying to focus on breathing, they had to give me oxygen because I could not breathe enough while on that medication. Finally, they sent me home with a few prescriptions for pain, and also an antibiotic for a UTI, and told me to follow up with my oncologist and primary.
So, yesterday, Karen and my mom and I met with Dr Westhoff online to hear that after Dr Westhoff had reviewed all the imaging and labs, she does not agree that I have an ovarian torsion, but what the doctors at St John saw was the mass on my lymph node. She said because the cancer is in the lymph nodes and where they are located that it is difficult to get to them and I could bleed out by trying to get to them. Our best chance at success is to stay with the systemic treatment of medication first. We will stay with Letrozole for at least another month and do imaging to see if it is working. She would prefer to use Megestrol, but I have said no because it causes weight gain and blood clots; but it also kills cancer more effectively. I might have to take a larger dose of Eliquis and be more careful with my food intake, if we don’t have a choice.
Chemotherapy and Radiation are options. I don’t want radiation. She saw the look on my face and let me know that internal radiation is not an option this time. External radiation would be much gentler. That one radiation treatment was hell. But if we have to do it. I will fight.
Dr Westhoff said I will need to accept a lot more medications to handle symptoms. There is a lot of pain. There will be a lot of pain. Opioids cause constipation. Tylenol causes my body to make extra stomach acid, so I don’t use it. But that is a necessary supplement now. I need to go on an antacid. I need to use MiraLAX every morning. There are other supplements I may need to keep on hand when those don’t work.
I have not been doing my workouts since my last trip to the ER because I was afraid of hurting my ovary. But I am not afraid of hurting cancer. I will begin my workouts again today. This will help my body and mind. I need normalcy.
I told Jamie Holloway last night. She is having her own struggles right now too. I know she was trying to be strong for me too. She asked what she could do to support me. I am always amazed by her; she fights for every breath, and she asks me how she can help me. I told her to pray. I told her I will be ok. I have 14 diagnoses and cancer is the only one that can be cured. I remind myself of that. It got me through the first time, and it will get me through this time too. But if you got this far, maybe you could pray for both Jamie and I. Thank you.
I love you. Be blessed.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
My most recent PTSD opportunity happened a week after my 12th anniversary. My cousin got married on May 16th. I am very happy for her. She has been through so much and she has persevered. But I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I was excited for her and looking for the invitation that didn’t come; eventually I got an online invite to view it online. My feelings were a little hurt, but it did make life easier. Karen didn’t have to take a day off and I could watch it from the comforts of home. When the moment came, there were technical difficulties and the groom’s family was irritated. I have streamed for much larger events and I was trying to sound nonchalant and supportive; also wishing I was there to help.
Later that evening, my uncle uploaded a raw version of the video he shot from his hand-held camera. When I saw the video, I saw Ms. Colvin before I even saw the bride, and Winnie was bringing her down the aisle, along with one of my uncles, to her brother. I understood why I wasn’t invited.
Winnie is my biological father, and he could not come to my wedding, even though I invited him.
As I struggled through a lot of emotions, my experience as a videographer reminded me why family members who are too close should never shoot the video. My uncle is too emotional, and the video is shaky because he was crying and he didn’t have the camera on a tripod. His choice to shoot from the middle of the isle, was questionable because I saw Winnie’s second wife, before I saw the bride. I know I am still taking this personal, but I don’t think he was the best choice as the technical crew for this event. Considering the conversation my cousin and I had about Winnie and Ms. Colvin a few months before the wedding, my shock at not only seeing them at her wedding, but that he gave her away, when our other uncles were available leaves me dumbstruck.
Nobody even warned me. This is the part I have been wrestling with ever since May 12th. Winnie didn’t share my family with me because Ms. Colvin didn’t like me, so I don’t have the memories and emotional ties they have. But the ones I have are why I carry my grandmother’s name and why she has helped make me a strong woman. Ms. Colvin does not deserve my grandmother’s name.
Ms. Colvin is a gossip and a backbiter, and she has hurt everyone in our family. She also knows how to use Winnie’s temper to brutalize anyone that she wants to scare into controlling. She has terrorized her own daughter and her own grandchildren as well. (And yes, I know I am guilty now too)
Father’s Day has always been hard. Winnie didn’t even like it. He knew he wasn’t worthy. He knew his father fell short too. I see the beautiful memories other people share and usually I thank God for Grandpa Bill, Nana’s second husband, my real grandfather, who taught me so many lessons. But this year I had to snooze my cousin because I couldn’t look at her gushing posts about Winnie.
They still tell lies about me. At least Winnie and Ms. Colvin do. They run to new family members and tell lies about me. They have threatened anyone who might want to help me. They know we are stuck, have been stuck. They know I am chronically ill. The day I told Winnie I had cancer, he screamed at me about stuff I didn’t do, years before, because Ms. Colvin makes sure he abuses me, every chance he gets. She sent me a terrible letter a week after my Grandpa Bill died.
Winnie has always abused me emotionally because when he was done being a terrible husband to my mother, he expected me to take care of his ex-wife and his kids and even though I was really a little girl. I was only 9 years old, but he didn’t care. He didn’t stop Ms. Colvin from doing whatever she wanted to do to whoever she wanted to hurt, especially TyAnne. He thinks it’s normal to sacrifice the oldest child. He doesn’t believe in mental illness, even though he shows symptoms of PTSD, at least, and Ms. Colvin seems like the perfect narcissist.
He seemed hurt once when told him I would never live with him, but he doesn’t know that when I lived with Mom, I only wanted to kill myself. If I had lived with him, I don’t think Winnie and Ms. Colvin would have made it because when I was about 5 or 6, before he left us, we were sitting at the dining room table, he told me to never let anyone hit me; and I have not.
I have spent years in therapy because the person I fear most is myself. I know what I think about. I understand evil. I won’t abide by it, but I understand why people do what needs to be done sometimes. I have chosen to learn to forgive which is really hard and has many layers and has to be repeated as many times as necessary, but some pain doesn’t heal. That is why love is so important. I don’t believe Winnie and Ms. Colvin know what love is; what they do is survival.
My therapists have all told me I am strong and kind and not dangerous. But I know I have spent years learning not to feed that part of myself that is like Winnie. I have practiced love and watched Karen G Clemenson and Jamie Holloway carefully because they have a gift for loving that never came naturally to me, but I am getting better at all the time.
I wrote to Winnie several years ago and told him I am no longer his daughter. I want nothing from him. I have heard enough from other family members to wonder why they let him in their homes. I know they are scared of him, but they don’t need to be. I win every fight. All you have to do is look him in the eye, remember the truth, don’t listen to his bullshit, don’t forget who you are, and consider the fact that cowards scream the loudest and eventually he will sit down. Ms. Colvin banks on the fact that most people don’t like confrontation and Winnie looks pretty intimidating, but he doesn’t have the stamina or vocabulary I have. If I can win, so can you. Nobody deserves his shit. It isn’t anyone’s fault they won’t go to therapy.
I don’t lie. If I tell you something it is to the best of what I know now.
Grandma Clemenson is the only person in my entire family, on both sides, that ever blessed my marriage. She sent the only card we ever got from family. I am Mrs. Clemenson because I bear her name.
So, after much thought and prayer, I am done.
I have always wanted my birthright. I am the first-born daughter and granddaughter in a very large family, and I always wanted the relationship and support that I have read about in books. But this family is broken. I have heard positive things said about my grandfather, Allen Clemenson, but even as a child, I could feel that he did not love Winnie. I know there was something wrong about that. He did not come to Winnie’s college graduation. He did not look at him with any pride. He never spoke with love, always barking orders. The only conversation I ever remember having with him was when I confronted him, as a child, because he called black people niggers. And at 8-9 years old, I was not going to listen to that without a fight. I do not have good memories or feelings about this man, and I have seen a vast difference between the older and younger of the 9 siblings. I also know that he held my grandmother back from what she wanted and needed. Grandma Clemenson was an honorable woman.
No one ever protected me from Winnie. They still don’t. God told me to let go of everything that doesn’t serve me. I have things to do, and I live in a chronic body, so I have limits. I have to be mindful of that. There is a specific person in this family who told me I was important to them, but they don’t listen to me. If they had, they would have texted me to let me know about Kelli’s wedding. They would have known that being rejected is a trigger for me. I just needed a text. Something to prepare my heart. But this family doesn’t do that.
So, I am letting them all go. Love is not enough to hold relationships together. God does not expect people to make family more important than safety and communication. Since my cancer might be back, I need all my energy for the people that love me.
So, Karen and Mom and I are the Kelso-Longview Clemensons and are the originals. Jamie is my sister. And so is Sarah (my biological sister). The other ones have gone to the dark side. I have my niece Allie and her family and my adopted brothers Jeff and Josh. If you want to join us, let us know. You don’t have to change your name, or pay a fee or have anything fancy, but you will have to love us, out loud, and listen. Authenticity is key.
I’m sitting here in the night
it is quiet except
for Karen‘s occasional snoring
and the ringing in my left ear
I’m waiting for a new idea
~
I listen to her breathe
She has been my strength
when I couldn’t find mine
because I have been waiting
Hoping that someone would save me
from the pain that doesn’t heal
~
Some pain doesn’t heal
Some because it is chronic mentally or medically
and some because it even cut the soul
So even if it kind of gets better it always festers
~
But I like the quiet
The dreams haven’t come yet
Maybe they will foresee a beautiful future
instead of being a traumatic nightmare
where Karen wakes me up
or worse, my face explodes and I wake myself up
and writhe in the bloodless nerve pain
~
Some pain doesn’t heal
in fact, you know it will be there
Even if it isn’t there now
It will find you
and being brave is not a choice it is a lifestyle
I was reading a post yesterday regarding Home and Community-Based Services (HCBS), which is a program that allows eligible individuals to receive long-term services in their homes instead of institutions. The author was concerned because of our nation’s history with improper care of disabled people in institutions.
After a search online, I learned that the One Big Beautiful Bill Act will bring dramatic changes to Medicaid. This bill does, in fact, make cuts to HCBS, even though institutions are more expensive and less safe than letting people stay at home. The bill also requires people to check and recheck eligibility for Medicaid every 6 months, which sounds like more paperwork and cost to me. This seems like a waste. As a chronically ill person, as I understand it, my 13 diagnoses are never going to get better. I manage them, but 6 months or 6 years from now, they will still be here, just like they have been here for the last 12 years, I have known about them. Blatantly, senior citizens, families, rural and low-income people are being targeted by this bill. Yet billionaires and trillionaires got their tax cuts.
Our country found $100 billion for a useless war that created even more debt than we started with. We have $400 million for a ballroom at the White House, which was never necessary before now. $14 million was wasted on the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, but it’s ok to treat United States citizens like animals because we don’t believe in Universal Healthcare like the other free countries in the world. Yep, I am proud to be an American!
He’s not too much
if you understand him
because he sees the beauty
in the quiet softness and it isn’t an act
The soft voice and black fingernails aren’t for you
They make him happy
while he sings songs about eyelashes and dinosaurs
and purple because
that is where his magic is at
~
“When you dream will you dream of me”
All he wants is what he gives
Because he doesn’t want to live alone
But its hard to carry
a chronic person
when you’re a chronic person
and that’s who he picks
Instead of someone who gives
and doesn’t keep score
~
But he’s always a gentleman
no matter the temperature
of his songs you’ll never know
how cold or how big
the history of him is
Because like an iceberg
You only see a bit
He deserved happiness and rainbows
but instead that is what
he writes songs about
~
Tattoos and hats cover what he hates
His 2nd wife calls him a loser
But I see how he takes garbage
people who don’t know throw at him
and he makes custom guitars and beautiful songs
So like the term raptor means “to seize by force”
that is what Jeff does with life
And what you take from him
He makes it into a treasure
I told my therapist I felt like crying
I had letters to write to the school board
but I was too emotional
Matthew said to write first drafts
and read them again tomorrow
~
I told him I was sad
because I didn’t realize how much
it would bother me that The Late Show was cancelled
I always learned something from Stephen Colbert
~
I remember when 47 was 45
I couldn’t say his name without an anxiety attack
I know nothing in the world has changed
We just don’t hide it anymore
Did you know that every president in my lifetime has been shot at?
~
I saw Jamie‘s post that her voice came back
When you breathe through a trach
it is hard to produce enough oxygen
to activate your vocal chords
I have been in a flare and in pain but I liked her comment
~
I did my selfcare and took my meds
I even spoke to Matthew
but I had nothing for today
So I took a nap
When Jamie called I was sound asleep
~
I had given up asking God for her voice
I don’t know if she had
but on the last day of The Late Show
was Jamie’s birthday
and she got her voice
~
And the color of her face was rosy
and she showed me her last surgery
was a success
And her voice is rather sexy
and now my tears are for joy
~
And although many of us are mourning
a show we loved to watch
Stephen has his team
and he will prevail
I have my own team
~
And the humble and excited smile on Jamie’s face
reminded me that I am on Team Jamie
and I am happy to be here!
I wake up every day and try to avoid reading or hearing about whatever our president obsessed about the night before and spewed on his social media site. I don’t follow him, but without fail, someone will make sure to splatter screen captures on Facebook or on the nightly news. I can never get away from him. Donald J. Trump has been the lead topic in my prayers, therapy sessions, and bitch fests since 2016, when he began campaigning for his first run as president. In my mind, he is the president who cried wolf. I didn’t believe this latest shooting was real until I saw Margaret Brennan and Weijia Jiang discussing the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 26, 2026, where they were, less than 24 hours previously, on Face the Nation.
It is not that I don’t care about the president. I do pray for him and not just because the bible instructs me to, but because I believe that greatness is a team effort. If the president fails, we all fail.
“A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.”John F. Kennedy
“Within our people is the strength, the vision, and the faith that will return prosperity to America.”Ronald Reagan
“American is a great force for freedom and prosperity. Yet our greatness is not measured in power or luxuries, but by who we are and how we treat one another.”George W. Bush
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”Barack Obama
“In America, the impossible is what we do best.”Donald Trump
Donald Trump was not the only target of the shooter who traveled from California to Washington, DC, with plans to take out members of the Trump Administration. This third attempt of assassination is real. I feel sorry for the families and loved ones of everyone there. Melania looked terrified when she heard the shots. It is hard to process evil. But I also know our president loves the attention. Hopefully this will help him make good decisions about the war in Iran.
Trump is not the only president that has seen political violence. On May 23, 2023 someone tried to drive a truck into the White House, in order to kill Joe Biden, Barack Obama had 11 plots or attempts against his life. George W. Bush had 2 attempts on his life. Bill Clinton had 4 attempts on his life. In April 1993, 17 men tried to kill George HW Bush. Ronald Reagan was shot, but not killed on March 30, 1981. A man was caught minutes before he could shoot Jimmy Carter on May 5, 1979. Gerald Ford had two attempts on his life…and that is every president in my lifetime.
We should all pray for or send good energy for our nation’s leaders. It is a hard job; one I would never want.
But I am really done with this president. I need to separate myself from this narcissist. He has led us, as a nation, to places I am not proud of. I care, but I need to not hear anymore crisis coming from the White House. I need to not hear about created chaos. So if I am not broke up, it’s because this president has caused my anxiety levels to rise to tiers that scare me and I just have to disconnect. There are things that I have read and pictures I have seen that I can’t relate to without confusion.
God is not in confusion.
Albert Einstein once said, “Synchronicities are God’s way of remaining anonymous.”
At the same time that the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was happening, 20 minutes away, Epstein Survivors were having dinner to commemorate the death of Virginia Giuffre; it was one year since she had committed suicide. And now, the energy, the chatter is alive in Washington, DC with the talk of the black male teacher from California. It doesn’t matter what political party you connect with; The Epstein Files are still not completely released.
We are excited but we wont make any changes to even make public schools safer from mass shootings. I am not against legal gun ownership. I support the second amendment, however, at some point, you must realize that there is something wrong with doing the same thing, while seeing more and more gun violence. There is nothing wrong with honestly looking at yourself and saying: What needs to change?
Change is hard. I know this. For my whole life I have had to change for others. In 2014, I was forced to start changing for me. I had never learned how to take care of myself. In the last 12 years, I have changed so much about myself. Nearly every aspect of my life has been touched by necessary change. I didn’t do it all at once but as I changed one thing, and then another, it got easier. It used to scare me, but now I am more curious about change. I know I don’t have to keep it if it doesn’t work for me. I have made the big changes.
This president has cried wolf so many times. I apologize if I have offended you. But I just have to be done. I need my energy for me. I can’t fix him and I can’t fix the United States of America.
Why does this president need so much attention?
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I recently saw this advertisement for a t-shirt for fibromyalgia awareness. On the front of the shirt there was a cartoon of a woman lying on the ground with a circle drawn around her. The words above her said: It hurts here. I think of that cartoon often, not because it is funny but because of the stark reality of it. Someone was trying to make dark comedy of it, but if you stay there, the humor is lost. You can’t stay there on the floor or that is where you stay. I know because, even though I didn’t get a diagnosis of fibromyalgia until around 2016 or so, I know I had it well before then. I didn’t bother going to a doctor about it. I already was mourning the arthritis diagnosis and a few others. None that would kill me, but all that would never go away. I was watching as my once strong body was losing more and more, and I could do nothing about it, and from what I had read, there was nothing I could do about fibromyalgia.
I have a total of 13 chronic illnesses. 3 of them are mental and the rest are physical. I have a primary doctor, a psychiatric RN, therapist and 4 specialists in my speed dial. I take 14 prescriptions and a hand full of supplements and use Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils® to help me manage side effects and sometimes to help me get over ailments that might otherwise bypass some over the counter meds I can’t use because my body doesn’t like them. I have been a professional sick person since 2014. But it started before then. And I have had more.
I kicked cancer‘s ass and stopped taking 3 meds in the last year, only 1 medication was related to the cancer. I have also managed to finally figure out how to lose weight after a lifetime of being very fat and I am working on getting to a healthy weight. As I get smaller, I plan to drop specific meds because I don’t see a need for them.
Everything is about balance, what my labs say, and logical process. So far everything is going well. My doctors know everything I am doing. I hide nothing. It would irresponsible to do that. Why would you hide intel from the team that has helped you find success? I fired the ones that didn’t work, so I know the ones that are still here are the best for me.
If I sound flippant, I am not. I am a woman that has been through all stages of mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. With each new diagnosis, which felt like physical pain and loss, I lost a piece of myself. I lost illusions that I once had believed I would have certain things, I had wanted. As people I had served with love, left me alone and with no help, I had to look around and see that the only ones who were left, had only love to give, but they knew what bravery was and they taught it to me. Without them, I would have ended it all. But I am here because they helped me learn to look in the mirror and see what they saw when they looked at me. A valiant, strong, smart and capable woman. Not perfection but someone who would become something unshakeable about who she is.
The things that were once so important to me, are not anymore. Honesty, integrity, and knowledge is vital to me. But not in the way that some people use it to hurt people. I like to use it to try to keep my mind open and adaptable, so that I can try to bend with others because when you are chronic, you have to be fluid.
Jamie Holloway and I have almost died several times. I don’t know how Karen G Clemenson has made it through. I know she has carried me with her head down, while I am crazy until I know Jamie has made it again; not sleeping longer than 2 hours at a time, constantly researching new things to help her or me get through this, or make her life better when she is able to get back to her normal, or whatever that is. I think Karen must just work when it is me; anything to keep breathing until I am cussing out the nurses, which tells everyone that I need to go home because I do not thrive in a hospital. There is no creativity there.
But being a chronic person never stops. I have been told by people that I should not call myself that, or I should not say that I have a phone phobia in my voicemail message. I don’t know why they think I should not be honest. I think, they think, I should not be so open about it. But I believe my honesty makes them uncomfortable. But candor is part of my life. It is with me everyday. And in reality, if I tell you that I might not answer my phone messages and that you should call my wife if it is really important, you know what to do, if you really need to reach me. I don’t have the luxury of being afraid, or rather letting fear stop me. By being straightforward we all can get where we need to go. If I hide my shortcomings, we might miss out on the blessings of sincerity.
I am a blessed woman. I have a wife and a sister that are amazing. We carry each other. We are safety to each other. Not everyone has that kind of refuge. We have earned that with each other. If I let my fear get in the way, what is the point of hope? Why get off the floor?
That is how I live. I might only get 15 good minutes in a day. But if I do my workout and all my self-care, eat well and try to get some good sleep, think positive and feed my mind good things, maybe another 15 minutes will come. Maybe I will get a few good days. I am not going to buy that t-shirt. I don’t want to advertise being on the floor. I want to take a picture of anything good I did that day and showcase it. Even if I only get a few good minutes, that is what I want to focus on. The floor is something I want to stand on and sometimes even dance on.
If you are needing help creating a Wellness Plan that works for you, please Contact Wellness Works NWat 360-270-3880. Karen G Clemenson is a very caring and authentic person and she is looking forward to talking with you and helping you define your Wellness Goals and strategies. I hope this article answered questions you had and was easy to understand. If you would like us to write about a particular topic that you can’t find on this site, please send us an email on our Dear Jamie page and someone from Our Teamwill be glad to research and write about your topic.
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Image Credit: This picture was taken by my brother, Josh. I can’t tell you how proud I am of him and his floors!
I hope this article helps Fuel Your Wellness. Please leave your comments below.
Summer D Clemenson is a co-owner Clemenson Enterprises, LLC and Wellness Works NW. Summer her wife, Karen G Clemenson’s personal motto is Creativity, Honesty & Positivity are a must! This mantra helps them stay community and wellness minded in all they do. Summer is an Independent Wellness Advocate at dōTERRA. Summer also writes poetry and inspirational blogs @ GoodTimesAlways.com.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The ringing in my ears
swings between the normal hum
and somewhere beyond octaves I can’t sing
My eyes weep involuntarily
in time with the pulsing in my cheeks
My face is not literally on fire
but the nerves are not making
life fun these days
~
My wrists have been singing to me all week
and my ankles answer back
While lying down I realize I don’t know
how long I have been pointing and flexing
my toes as if I was preparing to dance
I went off Methotrexate
to make sure my shingles vaccine worked
Karen asked if I noticed a difference
It’s hard to say
~
I applied Deep Blue Stick liberally
and more than usual yesterday
I just broke out the Sumatriptan
I can take one more in an hour and a half
if this migraine doesn’t break
I hope the pills are successful
I am out of the cannabis product that works for me
Piano music is playing
The diffuser is going with Breathe and On Guard
The blackout curtains are doing their job
I just cancelled plans with Mom
~
Being Chronic is no joke
~
I must have passed out
I imagine this is the feeling of a weighted blanket
The medicine triumphed
But moving is very difficult
It takes much thought and devotion
When my face spasms
I see an image of a brain being squeezed
while I press on my face
I forgot about the burning smell
I will go back to sleep now
that I have documented this for
future moments of inspection
~
Today is just beginning but it is already over
Being Chronic is no joke
I recently saw a question online about how someone could use Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils to help them with their constipation. The rules in the group would not let me answer the question the way I wanted so I thought I would answer it here.
Lifestyle is really important. You can’t just change one thing and keep doing unhealthy things and hope your problem will be solved. We are like an onion and all the layers are important.
Exercise
You don’t have to exercise a lot but you do need regular daily exercise that works for you. I do a 40 min anaerobic workout every day before I do anything else.
Fluids
No matter what you weigh all adults should be drinking at least 2 liters of water per day. If you are obese, than it should increase to a liter of fluids per 100 lbs per day. One fun note is that if you drink decaf coffee it counts as your fluids because caffeine causes inflammation and is a diuretic, when you drink the coffee that doesn’t have it in there, you get to count it is your fluids for the day. 🙂
Food
Americans generally eat too much. No matter what it is, if you are eating too much, you can clog up your digestive system. I have lost almost 100 lbs over the last 3 years. Most of it is because I have been diligent to drink a lot of water and tea and move regularly and eat a diet that is free from processed foods, fast foods and my meals have gotten much smaller.
I live in chronic pain so I literally cannot workout like my wife can, who needs a small meal about every 2 hours during the main part of the day. What works for her doesn’t work for me because she can walk 30,000 steps a day but I can usually only walk 1/2 a mile before I hurt too much. So I eat 2 small meals a day…
The clean plate rule does not apply in our house. I am a grown up and I know when my tummy is full. I stop eating when I am full. I can finish my plate later when I am hungry or give it to Karen G Clemenson, who has a faster metabolism and the ability to burn more calories than I do.
Oils
I do have IBS symptoms from fibromyalgia so I use a blend of oils nightly before bed. I call it my Gas Blend because I tend to get constipated and have trapped gas. This blend helps with both. In a roll on applicator bottle I use 10 drops each: Black Pepper, Ginger, Lavender, Zendocrine, Spearmint and DigestZen and the rest Fractionated Coconut oil.
I also put 2 drops in with a liter of water of MetaPWR each time I fill my water bottle.
I have been using Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils® since 2011, right alongside western medicine for my chronic illness and it has helped me have more peace in my mind and body. My doctors all know everything I use, which is what I recommend that you share with yours too.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Today was a special day. A birthday. They are hard. Days for special people that I love with all my heart that I can’t reach because they have not chosen me. Jamie Holloway suggested we have cake and sing, “Happy Birthday.” She was right. It helped a lot.
I have been trying very hard to not write about certain people. I want to be done with them but they still live in my dreams. They are still in my history. They still make me cry.
I recently texted something I needed to say to my mom, but I couldn’t say it to her. I don’t need an apology. I just needed to tell her. People can only give what they have. Most people don’t have the words I need. That is what Karen G Clemenson and Jamie and a few others that know who they are, are for.
Mom said that she thinks the blog is what really triggered these people. Whether that is what she meant, I felt some blame in that phrase. I am not angry about it. We don’t have to agree to love each other.
I never pulled all the heads off of someone’s dolls until they made Cabbage Patch Dolls and I couldn’t do it anymore so I outlined their mouths with blue ink. I have never chased anyone around a house with a knife on more than one occasion. I have never kicked anyone in the stomach over and over again while they begged me to stop. I have never stolen anything from anyone, especially their senior year, year book with messages from people they can never replace. I never helped someone buy their psych meds and then told everyone about it. I never told people I paid someone to do something that they did for free. I never poured river rock on top of the flower beds they dug out by hand and planted bulbs that they never saw produce. This is the short list. This is the list of only one person. This is the list that hurts the least.
This is the substance of a system that I was not born into but it became as I grew older and things changed; while my family changed.
I was told by several therapists that I should leave my family. I loved them. Most importantly there were sibkids (kids of siblings) that I adored and I knew if I left, I would never see them again because the system was what it was, so I stayed.
But when I got really sick, the kind of sick that doesn’t go away, I realized I had to change. And when I prayed to God for a partner because I really didn’t want to live anymore, and I didn’t want to live alone because even though I was surrounded by people, none of them ever chose me, there was Karen. So we married and even though nothing got better right away, I had some joy. One day we came over for dinner and my mom even told me how beautiful I looked. I didn’t know what to say. Joy does that for you.
But we tried to be part of this system and Karen was watching me get worse. And one day after a visit when I was unable to stay awake or get out of bed, she came home from work and begged me to get out of bed and eat something and take my meds. She begged me not to let them take me away anymore. And when the depression subsided and my mind came back around, I realized I had to make a choice, so I called my mom and then my dad and I told them both that I had to take a break from them. I didn’t know where the pain was coming from and I needed a break. My therapists suggested a complete cut, but I didn’t want that. I had hoped that it would just be a break.
But my sisters heard about it and they cut me off and took their kids. My only pure joy.
Ms. Colvin, my father’s second wife remained who she is. My oldest sister remained who she is. My older, younger sister stayed who she is. My father chose who he always chooses. There were lots of terrible things.
It became permanent.
I cannot and will not apologize for my writing my truth. I cannot and will not apologize for living authentically. Abusers need to be outed. I deserve to be advocated for. I deserve to be my own hero. I have earned my freedom. I will never get back the love I wasn’t given and that I deserved.
God is a God of reconciliation. It is because He healed me so much that I could hear Him when my youngest sister reached out to me and He said it would be ok, that I read her message about our mother that I have had amazing moments with her. But I have fought hard to be able to stand in my truth. I will not sit down now. I will not be quiet and let things be.
I will not attack my abusers on purpose. They do not have to read my blog.
It is their love for drama that created my need for the outlet that sometimes my blog is. This is my 653rd article on this website. These articles that might bring them up might take up only >5-10% of all of them. I am a warrior. I have beat cancer. Jamie reminds me of that all the time. I may have spent most of the day in bed today, but tomorrow I will get up and have a great day.
I am free from the system that my extended family holds dear.
Oh BTW I beat cancer!
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Today I am honoring the fact that I am depressed. Why do I use those words? Because I learned in my 30’s that being honest with myself was not negative but the first step in the right direction. If I recognize I am depressed then I know I need to either try harder or rest more. I have thought about why I might be depressed and it just comes back to the fact that I am chronically ill and I live in chronic pain and sometimes those two things make my life harder and I don’t like it and sometimes those two things impede on me more than I want them to and it makes me angry, so angry I lash out on me.
So I slept a lot today and then I made myself do my workout. I have been skipping my workout. Not every day but enough. I need my workouts. They are needed and I shouldn’t be skipping them unless I had surgery or I have a migraine. When I can think straight I know this. My workouts are not stressful. They focus on stretching and strengthening my muscles. They are not aerobic because my body doesn’t like those movements. However my rheumatologist has noticed how flexible I am and my oncologist has noticed my strength. These two characteristics are the foundation of stamina. I need them to support joints and nerves that often fail me. They have helped me not to fall countless times.
Since the day is almost gone I will not confuse myself with too much. I have a phone appointment or preop appointment with my oncologist tomorrow. I have to get up much earlier than usual so tomorrow I will get things done. Today I will spend some time in my bible. I will take a shower. I will go to bed early. I will take care of me.
When we are depressed it is wise to listen to ourselves and love ourselves. Often there is a reason and sometimes there isn’t. Or sometimes the reason isn’t one you can get rid of, but you can love yourself through the moment.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
My mother and I are getting to know each other again and she sent me a message, last night, that said she was hoping I would get free of my symptoms so we could go out again. Yesterday I was hit with a flare in the middle of the day, while out living life and had reached home, where I was trying to relax. I was also feeling a bit snarky. So I became very honest:
“You’re so funny. I never will get better. I live this way. I will be on steroids for the next week so it’s a little different because they make me sleep much more, I didn’t know that because I have tried to stay away from them. My doctor seemed surprised that they make me sleepy but everyone I have mentioned it to, that have taken them, has had the same experience.
I do what I want, regardless of how I feel, unless it is just a really bad day. You have to keep going. Chronic people are strong because we have to be. Many of us have seen death a few times and we know how valuable life is. Pain is just something to get over. Suffering is part of a life well lived. ❤️”
She didn’t respond. I’m sure she didn’t say anything because she doesn’t know what to say. It must be hard to hear her child, even though I am an adult, say these things.
It reminded me of a moment with one of my friends. She had stopped by to give me something. We were chatting in the parking lot and I was hurting. I wasn’t even thinking about it, but while we were talking, I was stretching certain parts of me. She finally mentioned that I was obviously in a lot of pain and she seemed surprised that I wasn’t even trying to hide it. It had never occurred to me hide it. I was talking to my friend and I live in chronic pain. These are two things I don’t have to hide. Myself from my friend or my pain from the world.
There is no shame in being in chronic pain or being chronically ill. God made me this way. I deal with it the best way I can but there is no reason to hide it and stretching is part of how I stay flexible and increase blood flow to joints and nerves that are screaming at me.
This is part of being honest. Something society has taught us to suppress. Our humanity is not wrong. How we choose to use it might be, but choosing healthy ways to handle pain, whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually is never wrong. It might be a shock to someone who has never seen it before, but I am ok with that. I am not here to try to change anyone but if I show you something that awakens something honest in you, I hope it helps you.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I got an apology from my doctors office today. It summed up several calls I have been working on all week because I am out of Eliquis right now as of 4 PM on Friday.
I ordered a refill the week before last because I didn’t have enough for this week. I refill my pill sorters on Saturday night and always order whatever I need either Sunday or Monday. I had enough to get through this morning so I didn’t plan to start bothering anybody until Monday.
I knew there was a chance there would be hiccups because not only was there a dose change but my regular doctor didn’t prescribe this bottle of Eliquis, it was a hospital doctor. Plus I now have a new specialist; a hematologist and I wasn’t sure how she would factor in.
I kept checking with the pharmacy to see if my prescription had been filled and it had not so I called my gynecological oncologist, Dr Westhoff’s, office because she has been managing this medication. After two calls I was told that it was decided the my hematologist, Dr Dong, would be taking over this medication and Dr Westhoff would be sending the information over to her. This was Wednesday.
Thursday I called Dr Dong’s office and was told that the medical assistant could see there was a message from Dr Westhoff’s office but she couldn’t see what it was, and she would make a note of my call.
I have had two occasions with blood clots in my lungs where I came close to death. Self-advocacy is always necessary, but I am also very concerned about not repeating my past experiences. I am trying to remain calm because at the middle of Thursday afternoon, I know I will take my last dose of Eliquis on Friday morning.
I’m dealing with a cold and slept in but I still call the pharmacy by 2 pm on Friday. I had woken up to use the bathroom and took my early morning pills. I am out of Eliquis. The pharmacy says they have received my prescription from Dr Dong’s office but my insurance won’t cover it. Now I must call United Healthcare.
So I call United Healthcare and I speak with Hussan and he tells me that the last time I picked up my prescription, I was given a three month supply and they will not cover my prescription until the second week in September. I appreciate their math, however, I explain to Hassan that I have cancer. I had gone off my Eliquis to undergo radiation therapy and three days later, I had tons of blood clots in both lungs. I spent 5 days in the hospital and had to have a thrombectomy and when I left the hospital, the doctor had prescribed that I would take 10 mg of Eliquis, twice a day for 6 days and then return to 5 mg, twice daily. However, those directions were changed by my hematologist, who said to continue on 10 mg, twice daily for the time being. Since Eliquis does not come in 10 mg tablets, that is why I am now out and need a refill.
Hassan told me that he could not help me. What needed to happen was that Dr Dong needed to file a form of medical necessity (this might not be the correct name of the document, I didn’t write it down). He said she would know what this was and this is what they need in order to override the block on my insurance coverage. I was appreciative but irritated. And then to make sure I was super frustrated, he put me on hold and patched me through to another gal (I couldn’t understand her name) in order for her to set up prescription delivery. I didn’t want to do that and we were both antagonized by that so we said goodbye and hung up.
Then I called Dr Dong’s office again and I told the office person the name of the document that I knew at the time, because it was fresh in my mind, and she agreed, the insurance company was just being difficult. She put me through to my doctors nurse, who was obviously busy helping someone else, so I left a message…
Then I called my wife, Karen G Clemenson, because, even when I leave my number, they sometimes call her number, so I needed her to know what they were calling about.
Finally I got the call. My prescription is filled and covered by my insurance. My doctor’s office is sorry because they should have updated prescription before so it would not have had to be like this. Personally I am just thankful that Karen can pick it up after she gets off work.
This is why you don’t wait until the last minute to check on your meds.
Update: I noticed on the bottle that the prescription was changed but my doctor had not notified me so I kept taking it the same way she had told me until the weekend was over and I could reach her. I was told by her nurse that since during the thrombectomy, they installed and IVC filter in my groin, in order to stop any blood clots, formed in my legs from getting to my heart or lungs, that now I should only be taking 1, 5 mg of Eliquis, twice daily, instead of 2, 5 mg of Eliquis, twice daily.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I just added appointments to the calendar for imaging to see if the cancer is gone. I’m fighting an anxiety attack. I am supposed to do 3 more radiation treatments and I am terrified. I should be safe. I am taking 10 mg of Eliquis, twice a day. I should not be worried about blood clots. We have a plan for injectable blood thinners while we commence with radiation but I am just working through what I wrote during this time. I am just getting to a place where I can begin to push myself to build muscle. I don’t want to be broken down again. I’m just feeling sure for now. I don’t know if I am ready to be brave enough for another battle. Even if Karen G Clemenson is with me most of the time, I am still the one who has to fight. I am the one that has to bleed. I am the one that will wake up to a body that isn’t mine but is. I know I am lucky; my cancer is curable. It is slow growing. But it still hurts. I’m still gun-shy. I don’t want to trust people that are helping me but are going to cause me a ton of pain. I want to be done now.
This message is a very vulnerable one. I try hard to not live in this state because I know that I am here to live the life that God has created for me to live and I am not afraid to die. In fact there are very few things that I am actually afraid of for myself.
Angry Men Yelling
Earthquakes
Snakes
Personal Suffering
Other People Suffering
But through this time where I have had to undergo things that have shown me I am stronger than I realized, I know that the prayers of others have helped me so much. Although I try not to complain too often, when I have posted that I was suffering, those posts have been overwhelmed by the caring of others and I have felt the prayers and love from people I have both met and not met.
In a world where I have chosen to not join a church per se, I have found a church family, right here on Facebook, where there are people that regularly check in with each other and support each other, even if we have never met. We pray for each other and lift each other up and I find that to be refreshing because we don’t have to, but we do.
So when the moments come when I want to be done happen, I am always encouraged by you to keep going because there is always someone who cares and gives me encouragement. Thank you.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I don’t think I could put in words how much I love, need and want Karen G Clemenson. She is it. As I grew up I had made lists of what I wanted in a partner. I have never taken choosing a partner lightly and I am not casual about sex at all. Karen is one of two people I have ever been with. She even helped me get over the first guy, promising he would come back, until I finally told her, I didn’t want him to come back.
I have loved 3 people in my life and there were about 10 years between each person. I was friends with each person first. My lists always changed as I had my heart was shattered. Because I love completely. I am so grateful that I am demisexual because I don’t have overwhelming sexual feelings that get in my way until I have bonded with someone emotionally, intellectually and have learned if they are worthy of my trust.
When I prayed to God and asked for a partner I was shocked that Karen was the one. I had been fighting my feelings for some time, to be honest. I was raised in a conservative family and conservative religion and being gay was wrong. However, I had also walked with God since I was 5 and I had an authentic relationship with God and there had been many things God had shown me, that I had been taught, that were wrong.
It was still 1 year after we were married, before I could verbalize that I was bisexual and demisexual. But I also knew that God knew that I was queer. He made me this way and He loved me and this very small part of who I am, is part of the calling He has for me. Nothing I have ever done or ever will do, will ever change how much He loves me or that the salvation He created for me is mine. He promised me that. I am supposed to love Him, let Him love me, and love my neighbor. He will fill in all the blanks.
Karen and I have this little joke. She asks me — Who loves you? — I always answer, with a smile on my face: Jesus.
The only competition Karen has is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. I do find other people attractive but I don’t want them. We talk about that. Neither of us wants anyone else. And even the most exquisite looking person can open their mouth and say a selfish, judgmental, or hateful thing and suddenly they are no longer interesting to me in any way.
I have had people try to use their religious beliefs to justify their fear that I am going to hell. I am sick of this. It just isn’t true. God created inclusion. The word “homosexuality” wasn’t even added to the bible until 1947 by white people that wanted to control the narrative. I do realize the bible I read, in its imperfection, was inspired by God, but edited by man. This doesn’t stop me from reading it, but I read it with Jesus and I ask questions and wait for answers.
Karen was the best gift God ever gave me. When I could not hide that I was sick anymore, she was there. I had never been taken care of before. I had been the one to serve. I am an artist and chronically ill. I don’t know what my body and mind will be like from day to day; I don’t often know what I will say until I say it. She is never intimidated by me, my body, my mind or my ideas. She loves the challenge and surprises. On earth, she is my rock and I am her’s. I don’t take this for granted.
On the flip side, she eats healthier, dresses better and has more organization in her life than she ever had on her own because once we were married, we both learned, we needed someone to take care of. Her blood pressure is normal, her weight is exactly what her doctor wants it to be and her muscle tone is impressive. Plus she has some pretty great aspirations that she would never have attempted if she didn’t have someone cheering her on. Who else is going to correct her when she says she is crazy and tell her she is just juggling a lot?
We make an amazing team. I thank God for her all the time. I can’t and don’t even want to imagine life without her. We have healed and grown so much in this relationship and I wish that the kind of love, trust, honesty and kindness we share was in all partnerships. If there was, there would probably be little to no divorce and less STIs and unwanted pregnancies too. Because when you have all you want in your relationship, you don’t have to look anywhere else and you make decisions together and you don’t do things to tear down the team.
I am a blessed woman.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have a person from the past that emails me. I always respond but I don’t tell them too much. Just enough. I know they love me but our relationship has always been toxic. It isn’t their fault. They are a good person they just need some help and I can’t give it to them. I have asked them to go to therapy, take the meds that a medical professional suggests, get better. They know that I have chosen to keep them out of my daily life, they always elude to that at the beginning of their email. It is part of how they communicate. If they tell me anything about themselves, it is how overwhelmed they are, a complaint about something they won’t get help with, but could. It is a pattern they are following because that is what they know. They never answer any questions I ask. They never ask any questions about me. These two statements tell me they still don’t know how to have an equal relationship, where I won’t be expected or needed to be the servant. I am afraid to let them closer to me partially because my blunt and honest communications style hurts their feelings and also their need to be served fits into my old patterns that triggers all my mental illnesses: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.
When they first emailed me yesterday, I told them about a few things that have changed and things that were coming up. They never respond to my emails. I was surprised to get a response on the same day. In their second email they were telling me they were surprised that I responded. But I don’t understand that because I always answer their emails.
They wanted to walk with me. I told them no. I can’t do more than email right now. I said this for many reasons. First, I can’t go back to the old relationship we had. I need proof that they are different and they haven’t shown me that they have done anything to get better. Second, the actual type of biological relationship we had is not going to work for me and I don’t think they can just be my friend; because they haven’t proven they are doing anything to get better. Three, when I am walking I don’t talk; I am in pain. Every step is excruciating and I am just trying to get through the walk. I don’t want to hurt their feelings but my walks are all about me getting through it and I am not social at all.
In the past when I have tried to take care of myself and set boundaries I have been told I was selfish; this person suggested that I always have to have things my way. I am a neurodivergent person and a chronically ill person. They are right. I do have to have things my way sometimes, but not because I am selfish. I have a sick body and mind and many times I am not in control of what she is going to do, but also I wasn’t made to be a servant to my family; I was made to be a servant of God and He doesn’t ask me to give until I am sick like my extended family has.
I am not without compassion and empathy for this person. I pray for them and love them but I can’t save them; I have tried many times but I know now that it is not my job to do that. I also know how strong and capable they are to do this for themselves. If this person wants me in their life they are able to get the help they need to overcome the things that overwhelm them for their sake and mine. I know because I have done it and continue to do it. It doesn’t happen over night. Wellness is a path that we walk for the rest of our lives but it takes us choosing to make the necessary changes. I have seen this person make many positive changes in their life. If they want me in their life they will go to therapy, learn how to set and respect boundaries, learn how to have a balanced relationship and see me for who I actually am and not for who they want me to be. Until I can see those changes, our relationship will have to be email only.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have been sick for about 3 weeks now which is a perfect time for growth and reflection. The first 4 days I am sure it was the flu but it changed and now I am thinking it is either a Fibromyalgiaflare or maybe a reaction to the increase in Mounjaro. Being in a chronic body is exhausting. During those 4 days when I know it was the flu I had a dream of teachers I had in middle school and high school. Specific teachers that took a greater interest in me. They would spend more time with me, give me special treatment and tasks. In the dream I knew they knew, home was not always safe. They were waiting for me tell them that I needed help. My high school math teacher blatantly asked me once. My high school German teacher once told me it was wrong that I missed school when my siblings were sick. But I chose to keep the secrets.
I chose to protect the secrets so that my siblings would be safe. I didn’t know what would happen if I told the truth that no one said hello to me but yelled at me for whatever they thought I did wrong, or my siblings did wrong. I was called names. Every ache and pain I had was because I was fat. When my custodial parent, who did not have health insurance and no way to get help with their mental health issue, was having a hard time, I was pulled out of bed or away from my homework at any time of the night to help them. My parent had no one else. I am not mad at them. Sometimes I was asked to do ridiculous things, nothing blatantly abusive but not necessarily normal either. I was not hit. I was not molested but I was not emotionally supported and sometimes I didn’t have what I needed. My other parent would scream at me over the phone or for the entire 4 hour drive to their house about how much they hated their ex-spouse and then tell me not to say anything when we got to their house; then I was given a hard time when I was depressed during our visit.
There are more details but this is enough. After I woke up from that dream, it occurred to me for the first time that there had been people that wanted to help me. I had never really thought about that before. It really made me feel good. I chose to stay quiet and that was my choice. I chose to keep what stability I could for my siblings. They were told I was so much older and bigger than they were. They were taught to treat me badly. Not on purpose but by example. But in reality I was taller than they were. I took after one part of our family, and they took after another. But I was also only 3 1/2 years older than my younger sibling and 5 1/2 years older than my youngest sibling. I wasn’t that much older then they were. I was angry and depressed and I had chronic conditions that there probably were words for in the 80’s and I should never have been their caregiver. They got the worst of me, even though I loved them and wanted to protect them. I was angry that I had to protect them. I was angry that they would abuse me and didn’t have the responsibilities I had and never had consequences. I was angry that they got to be children and I didn’t.
Back in March I wrote in an article Memories Are Bigger Than the Thing We are Responding To that I hated my father’s wife. It is amazing what confession can do. When God says that when we are honest we can let the light in so He can heal us, He is describing repentance. He knows that I don’t want to hate anyone. He also knows that I have tried to love this person and there are shreds of love in my heart for this person. But I needed to be honest about a few things so He could shine His light on the darkness. So I could hear myself and give Him the stuff I don’t need to hold onto. I have done this on so many things and forgiveness is very freeing. It isn’t even about the other person. It is all about me being able to clear out the mess and make new decisions. I can say I don’t hate my father’s wife anymore. I don’t trust her. I don’t want her in my life. I get to make those decisions. But I don’t want bad things for her. I don’t hold hatred for her anymore. I can look at a picture of her and not want to throw it and I can have a memory and not feel evil or negative thoughts. She is actually attached to some very good memories and those I can hold onto and appreciate now.
I have had a lot of other dreams this month about memories with my extended family that are no longer in my life. I mentioned it to my wife, Karen G Clemenson. She is used to this. We have been married for over 9 years now and she has seen a lot. She quietly reminded me that our bodies remember things. I suddenly remembered that my custodial parent’s birthday was almost a month ago. This triggered their hard time of the year. Mid-October to February is always hard for them…so it is hard on me. Lot of memories and stressful times make the holidays difficult for me. The difference this time is that I seem to be watching from afar. I am not really part of the memories this time, but analyzing the memories. My therapist says this is a good change.
Because I have tried hard to find balance and positivity in my life where possible it is natural for me to think differently than I used to. I am thankful for this. I will always have OCD but I can change how I let myself think by making sure I have something meaningful to do everyday. I read something every day so I can control what I am thinking about. I listen to music that makes me feel happy. I try hard to keep the thoughts in my head constructive and useful. This has also helped me to stop and think about something else. My parents didn’t completely fail me. My parents were not perfect and they had their own scars and traumas but they tried hard to give me things they didn’t have. My custodial parent moved a lot as a child and lived in big cities. But I lived in one home from the time I was 3 until I was 17 years old in a smaller city that was easier to raise children in and when we did move I got to stay in the same school. Although my other parent left when I was 9, they gave me good memories before then that helped me through the years to follow. My parents worked hard to give me things they didn’t have growing up. My siblings and I did have things that some of our friends didn’t have. Although I was emotionally neglected, I always had books to read and music to listen to because they could buy those things for me and they knew I loved those things. My parents weren’t always absent. I have good memories of great days. They tried and they loved us as best they could.
They are human. Just like me.
I was accused by one of my nieces that I was ruining myself by writing about my past. I appreciate her 20-something viewpoint. Meaning she hasn’t lived enough to know what I know and she is probably repeating what she has been taught, which I also appreciate.
I tried to make the break from my parents, which I never intended to be from the entire extended family, be temporary. But my siblings followed suit. I was so shocked. Their actions showed me how deep that unhealthiness went in our family. If they knew what I went through to make that initial choice, they would have never left me. But no one has ever asked me why. No one. Everyone just assumed I hated them and I was evil. The last time I came around it was because another niece asked me to and although I did something that was wrong, it was blown completely out of proportion and still no one has ever asked me why. I know that my younger siblings got the worst of me, growing up but I am not that person anymore. I have worked hard to grow up, learn healthy communication and how to make healthy boundaries so that others see a mentally healthy Summer and not the broken one I was for so long. When it comes down to it I can’t make people forgive me or offer me a clean slate; I can’t make anyone choose good mental health. I can choose who I allow into my life. I know that it may very well be that I trigger the same survival mode in my family that they trigger in me. So I will love them in my prayers and leave the rest in God’s hands because He loves them more than I ever could.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have always noticed patterns to help me know where we are now. I look for them often, I think because I don’t always trust what people tell me or I might not trust what I am experiencing. When I was about 14 years old, I recognized that there was a pattern in my family that all the first born daughters were divorced or had marriage difficulties at least back to my great-great grandmother. Because I was the first born daughter, I didn’t think I would marry. My parent’s divorce was brutal and the relationship between my parents, including my step-mother, was very unfortunate. Being the go-between was very painful and stressful. Every important day and holiday was ruined by their behaviors, even after we were adults. I wish they could have just followed the parenting plan; I don’t even think they knew what the parenting plan said.
I did get married, but I was much older. I had gone through a lot of therapy and I married my best friend of 10 years. She had shown me a type of love I had never experienced before. Yes, marriage is hard sometimes and Karen and I have gone through a lot together. I think many couples would not have been able to go through what we have gone through and been able to continue, but we knew we were both broken in some ways before we married, and we knew I was chronically ill too, so it wasn’t a surprise that had to be adjusted to later in life. Our histories are very similar and we work very hard to forgive each other’s brokenness. We are lucky because we truly know God is the head of our household. I don’t make promises because too many have been made to me only to be broken so I wasn’t willing to make any of the traditional wedding vows. My main statement to my wife was that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life and when I didn’t love her or want to anymore, I would talk to God about it first. I have broken that one time and had to repent. But God is gracious and He has helped me come back to love. I am sure glad we were such good friends before we were married because sometimes we have to coast there for a bit but God always brings us back to love. It helps that we are both willing to be coached.
Another pattern I saw in my family is that there is always a golden child in every generation, as well as a scapegoat. There is also a black sheep, but not in every generation. The golden child is not usually the oldest child, but they could be. They are the strongest one. The scapegoat is the most sensitive one. The black sheep can’t fit in at all. They just don’t like to live like the rest of the family. The rules are too much for them for any number of reasons. The rest of the family can always shine and look good at everything they do but the black sheep just doesn’t know how to measure up. To be able to remain in the family there is a pecking order and emotional abuse, enough to keep everyone in line. The scapegoat will never really measure up but they will have enough success as long as they remember to follow the rules and never talk about their abuse. The golden child will lie to protect everyone else and make the scapegoat feel like a fool if they try to express their feelings about their abuse. The golden child will also use their position to hurt the scapegoat when necessary to remind them of their position. The black sheep will rarely come around. They know they aren’t welcome.
When I was a young adult I had a great-aunt. I had always known of her and yet I didn’t remember her because she didn’t come around. There wasn’t a lot said about her. But the feelings in the room when she was being referred to her were cold. I know she had some unhealthy habits and she had had a hard life. I know she had made some bad mistakes. I knew she had had to start over a lot. When she finally came for a visit and I got to meet her I thought she was great. She wasn’t polished like the rest of the family. She smoked a lot. But she was spunky and full of life. She was an authentic people person and I thought she was very brave. She didn’t need to have success to keep trying. I don’t know what she did to become the black sheep. I truly don’t know the whole story but, I believe we rarely know anyone’s whole story. I did know that I became afraid that I was going to be the next black sheep after I met her.
I haven’t written in a few weeks. I don’t write anymore when I am very upset. I used to write when I was hurting, but over the years I have made the rule to never write when I am angry. My words should never be out of vengeance anymore. I have to admit that I have written in anger and spite before, but I don’t do that now. My words are meant to help people, including me, understand what I have learned while I try to understand my life. I was contacted by a niece who told me that I lost my right to refer to her as my niece when I left the family and that she would seek legal action against me if I wrote about her again. There were other things she said that were very hurtful but I wasn’t angry with her. I have to admit, I don’t know how to refer to her, but I wont be using her name anymore.
When I was talking to my sister, Jamie Holloway, about it she asked me why I wasn’t angry with her and I said, her words were verbatim copies of those a sibling has used toward me several times. A sibling she spends a lot of time with. My niece is only saying what she had been taught to say. My niece doesn’t know anything other than what she has been taught because I have never been specific about my abuse and I never will be. As I told my niece, if I were to write down the specific abuses that plague me when my sibling triggers me, it would be in a notebook that no one would see, instead my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is the only one I have told about some of the really bad stuff. I am vague on purpose because I don’t think my parents intended to do what they did and allowed to happen to me.
I left after years of trying to convey to my parents that I needed change from them and my siblings, one in particular. This sibling was given free reign to abuse me. I was literally told I could never defend myself against my younger siblings because I was bigger than them, growing up. Yet, when I complained of abuse, there were no consequences. Of course, this sibling, the golden child, would think it was acceptable to abuse me. When I was tired of it and asked for protection. It was not there for me so I left. At first it was a break, but as this sibling would find people to provoke me and found ways to infiltrate every part of the family, I was no longer needed. I had always felt unwanted, since my parent’s divorce, so it was better that I just stayed away. It was a boundary I had to make. My parents could not respect my need for protection and anonymity so I had to make my own life without them.
Reading my niece’s message, that she felt that she could sue me for my writing did feel like a slap in the face but I didn’t feel like it was coming from her. I know it can’t. She is by herself, with no spouse or children to protect. She can’t sue me. I have never said anything bad about her. Why would I? I still see her as one of my greatest blessings.
One of my favorite stories about this person, when they were a child, happened when they were about 6 years old. We were living together at the time. I always wore skirts over pants. I still do. At first it was that I liked the more European look, especially with my Birkenstocks, but I had also grown to appreciate that pants are more comfortable and easy to work with than tights or pantyhose, but also if you get your skirt tucked up in your waistband, which happens, or the waistband gives out on you, you are not naked (both situations have happened to me). Anyway on this particular morning I was heading out to my car with my arms full and I heard a ruckus at the front door and a high pitched, “Auntie Summer stop!” That red-haired girl had so much energy and passion and her movements always reminded me of her great-grandmother, my Nana. She was all elbows. She ran straight at me and somehow managed to turn me around so she could fix the back of my skirt. I am sure I was more thankful for the opportunity for another hug than my skirt being fixed but I was also thankful for her “protecting me.” Of course, I can’t be angry with my niece. she had always been a protector and now she is trying to protect someone else. I understand.
If I could have one conversation with my niece, I would tell her that I am very proud of her. She has let me watch a small part of her life on Facebook. I know she has worked hard and followed her heart to travel and see the world. She has made decisions for herself. She is young and still learning. I am very proud of her. I know that being able to watch anything is over now but I am glad I had a small window for a time.
When I told my therapist about this situation, he agreed that my family cannot sue me. I have the right to write about my life. I have been vague and left out names on purpose. If anyone is offended by my writing, they shouldn’t read it. By seeking legal recourse they will only draw attention to themselves, thus telling on themselves, which I haven’t done.
I have several large bumps on my head, that are very painful, that I need to have removed. While going through my diagnosis list online today for e-check in for my consultation, I saw a diagnosis that I have ignored a few times. Not all of my doctors have it on my chart. It is kind of new. I already know about PTSD, Panic Disorder, OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder but now someone has added Major Depressive Disorder to my mental illnesses. I have ignored it because I didn’t want to think about another diagnosis, but when I read about it I know it is real and it fits. There are times I have trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things. I can spend countless minutes staring at the diffuser as the colors change and the mist floats through in the air. Loss of interest of anything I enjoy doing, even eating and self care wains for me at times. Memories of abuse and stressful times can keep me awake most of the night. Keeping myself isolated is normal too. This can happen because life has thrown a stressor at me. It can also happen because my sibling has found someone to try to reach me. They have done this twice in the last few months. Life can be stressful, so normal stress might come with a day or two of being “blue” but when I feel attacked it is more than a day or two and it is more than just being “blue.”
The words, “you are in your late 40’s and are still complaining about things that happened when you were a kid,” are not uncommon to me. I have thought them to myself throughout my life, even before I was in my late 40’s. I didn’t understand that these memories might not go away and in fact would torment me sometimes. For someone that doesn’t have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or is willing to deal with theirs, it might be easy to not have compassion, especially when secret keeping was my superpower. But when I got sick in 2014 and was hospitalized for 8 days, something in me broke. Something that had allowed me to play all the games and stay the scapegoat. I knew at some point I would not be able to come back to the old Summer, but would have to be the authentic Summer, and here I am. I am not trying to hurt anyone but I have to be honest with myself.
My therapist agrees, I can’t do anything to protect myself. I can’t prove that my sibling is hurting me. But I wont be silenced. I am building my own life. I told my niece that most of what I write about has nothing to do with my extended family anymore because they are no longer part of my life. I write about my life because there are people that read about it and are inspired. This article is for you. Don’t let anyone silence you. You may have had to keep secrets, when you were younger, to get through the hard times, but you don’t have to be quiet anymore. Its ok to get to know your truth and be proud of where we are now.
Be blessed.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Summer D Clemenson is a co-owner Clemenson Enterprises, LLC and Wellness Works NW. Summer her wife, 
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