The Last Time I Saw Him

The last time I saw him on purpose was because my niece had invited me to her graduation from high school. I will do anything I am able to do for my nieces and nephews and they know it. They were my reason for showing up; they had been for years. Each of them hold a piece of my heart.

It had been a hard and expensive week. We were living with friends because we didn’t make enough money to rent our own place. My niece had also invited us to her last ballet, which we had gone to a few nights earlier and then come home. Traveling is very hard with my disabilities so this night we had booked a room at a hotel in Marysville, Washington.

This day we had come to town in time to meet for lunch. I was excited to see my oldest nephew, since he does not answer my attempts to communicate. I threw my arms around my 6 foot tall, purple haired, adult nephew, that I haven’t seen in a few years, who announced he is bisexual…I totally don’t care…so I told him to hug me, and then I met his boyfriend. My youngest nephew was also there, I also hadn’t seen him in a few years and I was so excited to see him and hug him too. I was eager to place myself in the middle of the tables to face them and my niece, who was sitting close to her grandmother, to hear what they had to say about life.

I could feel opposing energies from either end of the table where my parents and one of my siblings sat and my another sibling and her spouse sat. We were still adjusting meds for me and I was trying to not crawl out of my skin. The stress from my step-mother and younger sibling was so large it almost needed its own room. I didn’t have words for them. I hadn’t had words for them for some time. I was still friendly with my older sibling.

When we left we had planned to check into our hotel and then go over to my older sibling’s house to visit but when you are chronic you don’t always have full control of what your body is going to do. I sat on the bed and passed out. I woke up, barely in time to go to the graduation.

My older sibling has lived in Marysville for several years but I have only learned the areas she has lived in, the houses she had lived in and the grocery stores and shopping centers we go to. We tended to stay at her house when I have come to visit. I did not know the arena we were going to for my niece’s graduation or the busy area around it. The parking was hard. There were lots of family members that came for the event and lots of businesses around the building. We ended up parking about 4 or 5 blocks away from the event center.

I was so tired already and by the time we reached the graduation, people were moving out of the way and offering me disabled seating. I looked a bit rough. I don’t do well in the sun or the heat, let alone being exhausted before a walk. Thank God I remembered my cane. While we waited I could see my family, a few rows beneath us. They looked up at us and waved. I read faces, but I could be wrong, so I will leave it at that.

The ceremony was wonderful. The school did a great job celebrating each student. Afterward we were speed walking towards the end of the building (I didn’t know this would be part of the event) to reach my niece. She was leaving shortly for a trip with her graduating class. It was a big building. I wake up in pain so you can imagine how the pain had continued to get worse throughout the day; Fibromyalgia, Lymphedema and Psoriatic and Osteoarthritis are not friendly…Generalized Anxiety Disorder can be quite a bear too, luckily so far, PTSD had decided to stay home.

I was so thankful I was able to hug my niece and tell her how proud I was of her. That was the point of all of that day.

After she was gone, we all filtered outside, but I was disoriented and I didn’t have it in me to act as though I were well as usual. I was trying to hold myself together and Karen and I tried to remember what direction our car was. No one was talking to us so we had walked away from the group and began looking at the streets and trying to remember the way we came.

My father came up to me and thanked me for coming. He hugged me. Unlike usual I didn’t try to be strong. I didn’t have it in me. I said, “I hurt.” I heard the little girl voice come out that shows itself when I am super tired. My father didn’t hold on like you see fathers on TV. He jumped back. He did ask where our car was. When we told him we didn’t know. He said he had to go get his and ran away.

I always hoped my dad would be like Charles Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie. In some ways he is. He has the work ethic. But he is not the nurturer.

My father has spent his life running from me. At least that is the way I feel. For my birthday this year, my step-mother filled out a card that said they loved me with the obligatory check. Yet they have never sent a get well card, email, or letter. I suppose they are angry that I wont let them call me but I have a phobia of the phone. Our phone calls are always stressful anyway, no matter who called.

I mailed the check back. I wrote a note saying that I had never wanted any of his things or his money, I wanted relationship. I wanted him to show that he was interested in me. But I was tired of waiting and I asked him to please let me go.

I don’t believe that all my parents tried to fail me. I think they did the best they could. But they left me alone a lot. Too much. Thankfully God never left me alone. It is because of God that I can forgive them and be thankful for what each of them has taught me, but I don’t have to continue to be feel rejected or left alone. And that is why I want to be left alone.

God is my true Father. He has always been with me and kept every promise.

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.

Psalm 27:10

I am thankful for my real Father that has known me before He made me and has helped me and continues to help me as I heal from being an emotional neglect and abuse survivor.

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Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.