To Be Your Auntie

by | Apr 19, 2024 | Poetry

Each step I got to be there for
was magic to me
I wasn’t your mother
I was your Auntie

~

Sometimes I fought for you
because I saw something
your parents couldn’t
They thought it was a weakness
I believed my perspective was a blessing
I didn’t have their burdens
I had no expectations
I just loved you
I just wanted you to be you

~

I didn’t leave you
I went to find and care for me
Without you I would never have known
I was who I am
I found a piece of me in each of you
I am so thankful
to be your Auntie
Your bright eyes may have been
the only ones I let see me

~

You thrive in my dreams and prayers
Everything I do has nothing
to do with anyone but me and God
I hope you can say the same
I would enjoy a relationship
outside the rule of familial traditions
But my real hope for you is
Self-Love, Peace, Creativity and Joy
However you can find it

~

No matter what
I will always be your Auntie
Even if I only see your beautiful smile
while I sleep

~

Dedicated to JJ, AM, JD, CJW, KG and BR

~

She was An Anchor

by | Mar 5, 2024 | Poetry

This sadness knocks the wind out her
It is heavy like a coat soaked with rain
Carrying it around makes it impossible to breathe
yet she must

Thank You that I knew her
because with out her
I wouldn’t be exactly who I am

She is more than some of the reflection in my mirror
and someone in my dreams
She was an anchor

I am not the only one who loved her
I wish I could dry my mother’s tears
Please carry her
because I never could
Even though I tried

Thank You that are the true anchor
The one that carried us all
The one that still carries us now

~

The Monster Inside of Me

by | Jan 4, 2024 | About Summer, Poetry

The monster inside of me doesn’t care about what I think
or feel or want to be
I was born with this and I don’t think it cares how old I am
It is part of my genealogy
I see it in ancestors and a few who have come after me

~

I have tried to get rid of this thing that rages
Unlike a few fractures that stayed a long time, I won’t name it
It is a thorn in my side and I have only learned to control me
not the monster that finds joy in causing pain

~

I used to break things to satisfy its temper
Hurting people hurt me too much
The feeling of satisfaction made me want to throw up
I learned to limit myself
to remain sober
to make rules so I am always in control

~

I NEVER feed the monster
I don’t watch fighting, or horror movies or the news
I don’t spent time with people that rely on savagery
I forgive often
I listen to music that makes me happy<

~

The meds I take help me use my tools
I make better choices
My mind works slower and more efficiently
but I never forget the monster
I have more boundaries for myself than for others

~

I see people who have their own monster and I pray for them
God leads me away from my danger zones
I know He can help them too
He doesn’t take the monster because it keeps me humble
It helps me remember that I am imperfect
It makes me work hard to love myself

~

The monster makes it easy to love those that seem unloveable
because I am just like them
Behind my abstinent face with the pleasant smile
I know what I choosing not to do
When the monster is awake
Besides praying it will go back to sleep

~

I Hope For You

by | Dec 30, 2023 | Poetry

To know you are so close
but so far away hurts
but I know you have things to do
and I have got used to the ache
I’ve loved you with all my heart
and taught you to think for yourself

~

I’d hoped when you were a grown up
we could be friends
That no matter what they said
you would remember who I really am
How I let you define yourself
and how I delighted in you

~

I am proud of you
I know you are succeeding
Exploring and growing
Even if you are failing and starting over
that’s the best to learn

~

I will always be available
to hear how you conquered your world
have new dreams and visions
To pray for your courage and strength
The thought of you filling my doorway
makes me catch my breath

~

I’ll love you always
I hope for you
Because that is what this auntie does

~

My Soldier & I

by | Dec 29, 2023 | About Summer, Art, Poetry, Queer Community

I didn’t move into her camp
She moved into mine
My soldier & I, together
worked hard to make it ours

~

Doctors & therapists were helpful
to give me a name for all
the things that make me different
I had been asking for help for so long

~

Medical professionals thanked her for believing me
I guess some people
don’t have a soldier like mine
But I knew that

~

Whether it was trying new meds
dressing wounds
changing diet & exercise
She never forgets the battle plan

~

I didn’t leave you because I am queer
I left because I begged for no judgement
& I needed love & peace & compassion
& I finally have it

~

I have everything I want right here

~

Grandparents Understand

by | Dec 27, 2023 | About Summer, Art, Poetry

Nana told me grandparents understand
I had told her I was sad
I had learned late
it was my responsibility to make time
for Grandma Clem

~

I was baking banana bread
when she came to me
My heart felt warm
and I knew Grandma Clem
was here

~

She told me she knew her son
She knew what he did
It was ok I hadn’t come
to her funeral
Grandparents understand

~

No More Letters

by | Dec 23, 2023 | About Summer, Art, Poetry

I have been the daughter of a fool
For so long I wanted you
to remember you loved me
to choose me one time

~

Back when we built things together
and grew things in the dirt
and danced to Thriller and Three Dog Night
Before you dishonored our home
Before you left
Before you broke all your promises
I knew you loved me

~

When she announced the nuptials
we weren’t invited to
she told me you two were
more important than the rest of us
and you have proven it true many times

~

The letter you sent me for my birthday
implies you think I want you back
Let me be clear
I am not safe with you and her
I have know this for a long time
And unlike you
I am not a fool

~

The Icon

by | Dec 1, 2023 | Opinions, Poetry

I breathe in because I am human
I say your name because you are human too
I have lived the life of a performer
The lights
the bystanders
the costumes and makeup
They cost too much

I don’t keep my secrets anymore
They are too heavy
I want my yes to be yes
and my no to be no
I need yours to be as close as possible to that too
I don’t want to watch you perform and be worshipped
Your smile shines brightest over coffee
and honesty
and confidence
and God diffusing His knowledge in every place

I have been labeled uptown
I have made peace with that
but I am not hoity toity
I do like elegant things and my style is timeless
I like to present a clean and honest face
The same face
to everyone
That is hard sometimes but I try
If you feel judgement
it is probably me judging me
and then my prayers that God bless us both

You have let me see a little
of you without your costume on
That is the side I like best
and I am literally not talking about
a selfy with no makeup on
I know I am asking a lot
But I don’t trust performers

Please stop inviting me to your shows
until you can at least call me back

Reference: Matthew 5:36; 2 Corinthians 2:14

~

 

Where We Are Going

by | Sep 11, 2023 | Art, Poetry

I hear her crying
Sometimes raging
She has lots of emotions
She has suffered another great loss
Reminders of her past
Heirlooms of those she has loved
A feeling of comfort for
when they are ready for the next step
forward
The real loss is the truth that those
things are gone

~

These thoughts that sound like old ones
make her so tired
It is hard to move
To imagine moving onward
so hard
so so tired
The whisper of death a comfort last night
for the first time in a long time
She is depleted by the belief of
starting over again

~

She hears You coaching
Your wisdom has kept her
from doing anything that can’t
be undone
But her ears are sometimes blocked
by the sound of her tears
She knows You are with her
She is aware she has not lost
the most important things but
the hole inside is real

~

The life she has always wanted
seems to be getting farther
and farther away
It is hard to breathe
Why did You let her want
something she can’t have?
She has a vision yet still no path
She has been borrowing Your faith
for a long long time
Thank You for carrying her
for hedging her in
You will prevail again
We know You know where we are going

 

~

Behind Me

by | Aug 2, 2023 | Poetry

You dumped rocks on my flowers
You took what you needed
When you gave me anything
it was because you wanted more

You’ve never asked me what I thought
You’ve never spoken to my face
You enlisted others
to speak for you or about me

Behind my back

You locked me out
You lied about me
You never helped me when I needed it
But I have my own keys now

And you are behind me

But you are not locked out
You are not unforgiven
You are just not invited
If you want to move forward with me
you will have to communicate and respect my boundaries

~

Image note: White Azaleas in a Flower Pot by Paul De Longpre.

~

~

This Broken Flower

by | Jun 5, 2023 | Poetry

I don’t look it but I am the most gentle of flower
You told me I walked like a football player
I would never be loved
or get a good job
Instead of telling me I was strong, creative and reliable
you told me I was slow, stubborn and had to have things my way (more…)

My Thoughts Are Hard To Deal With

by | Mar 31, 2023 | Poetry

Every lunatic I have ever thought of blocking
on Facebook has been trying to reach me
I must be made of stone still
I feel like with the right amount of wind
I could crumble

~

There are two kinds of women
the ones you want to know
and the ones that should jump off a bridge
at least the ones who jump off the bridge
if they live through it
will have a different perspective on life

~

Someone asked me if I had a superpower what would it be
I said I wanted to make everyone
feel good on the inside
My wife said she wants to fly
She is his hero
I fly in my dreams
it is overrated

~

I fought with a couple of men for two days
about guns
I realized it meant nothing
I have never needed a gun
and they don’t know life without one
We don’t speak the same language

~

I am not perfect
I am a little broken this week
Maybe God is removing that stone
since He wants a soft heart to work with
My thoughts are hard to deal with
to hand to Him

~

But I am trying

~

I Hate You

by | Mar 28, 2023 | Poetry

If I were to make my outside
look like my inside
you would probably say it was my fault
The knife cuts and the razor blades
would only embellish where the scars don’t already live

~

You wouldn’t smile at me while we spoke
We would never speak honestly
It wouldn’t matter how pretty my teeth are
my smile would never shine enough
to help you get beyond your terrifying truth

~

It wouldn’t matter what color my eyes chose to be today
You would not be able to look me in the eye
The puss and the infection would offend you before
you could get close enough to see them
You might not look at me at all

~

The process of healing takes time
sometimes you have to start over
sometimes you find more scars
when you thought you were done
I am so angry

~

I am so angry that I feel those knife cuts
even though I didn’t make them
I am so angry that I feel like I am bleeding out
even though it is just figurative
but it feels like it did when it happened

~

Every time you hurt me
Every time you lied
Every time you manipulated the world to serve you
I never heard you behind my back
but I heard what you said about others
why wouldn’t you speak lies about me

~

I hate you
My therapist says its ok
She says anger is meant to push me to
change something or protect something
Either way it has to be me that gets better

~

God knows you never did

~

Emergency Shelter

by | Mar 6, 2023 | Art, Poetry

I can feel your tears like acid

on the inside of me

Your open hands begging for

someone to hold them in love

You are so well groomed

You don’t know how lucky you are

to be breathing

~

I hear one hundred and one reasons

they deserve to be forgiven

Their brokenness was not your fault

Their brokenness is not a good reason

Their brokenness is their responsibility

You could never save them

They don’t want to be saved

~

And then you whisper another atrocity against you

~

I am not an unkind person

I see their value and I pray they choose right

To set you free

To do the work to be free

to each of you finding the love inside yourselves

So maybe you might find

the person that helps you breathe

instead of threatening your life

~

And I Said NO

by | Mar 1, 2023 | About Summer, Poetry

Sometimes we can’t see straight until we are removed
The situation is confused by emotions we want to feel
or don’t know how to name correctly
until we do
And often we are far on the other side before we know those words

~

I remember those days that I thought I would die
because they left me without their love
I missed the twinkle of their eye and their silly dance
I missed the way they played the drums
it always made me move
I missed laughing and feeling like I was home

~

Their phone call left me wounded
Walking around with a sucking chest wound
was a challenge
Each step a necessity and hope to get back to my aloneness
where I didn’t have to struggle to breathe so much
The tears kept my pillow like a swamp
Luckily I knew how to float on my back

~

But as I kept walking forward I started to find
the me I had lost while I was absorbed in what I thought was love
but was much more than love
in a way that I had got lost in it and couldn’t see
Because I forgot to love me
or I couldn’t love me and follow their rules

~

The multiple and paranoid texts while I was at school
The constant and easily triggered anger over anything
I was always trying to counter
The times I gave into what they wanted to avoid their whining
They could kiss me when they wanted but if they didn’t want a kiss…
Everything was up to them

~

Until they dumped me
And I was alone
And I found me
And when they came back and tried to reengage
I was stronger
I was aware of their abuse
I saw behaviors I didn’t want in my life
And I said NO

~

Bruises

by | Feb 16, 2023 | Cancer, Poetry

My arms and torso and legs are covered in yellow
not my happy yellow but the one with a bit of brown mixed in
that makes me sad to look at
It is heavy and thick like wet cement
and made worse by the valentines I can’t swallow

~

If I could have a baby
the one I have always wanted
I would paint their room a rainbow
including yellow with a hint of lavender
my favorite color
But it wouldn’t be the color that would make me smile

~

How would you know
You have never had a child
These are mean words that cut deeper than the curette
used to cut away at the cancer cells inside my uterus
The bleeding and cramping will heal after the medical procedure
but I will be forgiving for a much longer time

~

I told them to go away and then I made them do it
because I was tired of feeling rejected
unloved
I told them what I needed
But after the compassion was handed out to everyone else
There was never enough for me

~

I want to be green and lush
Cool and clean
but my memories keep me awake and steal my smiles
I feel so alone even though You are with me
Why can’t I let this sadness go

~

Radiation treatment is the next trauma
I don’t know what color I will be then
but I know You will be carrying me
when I can’t move on my own

~

Thankfully He is Not A Hateful God

by | Dec 31, 2022 | Poetry

We protect them because they are cowards
who hide cowardly behind their sin
We are used to their weaknesses
We are used to being told to be quiet
We quietly keep the church pews clean

~

We put on our pretty clothes
We wear our pretty smiles and keep our secrets
behind the makeup we are so good at wearing
while victims are left in the gutter
No one will believe them because we wont protect them

~

Jesus said to defend the weak so we do
but He didn’t mean the ones with the big bibles
the dogma, the church standards, the ones who cover up with old money
God said to feed the poor, clothe the naked and lift up the downtrodden
instead we molest them, bend to complaints of neighbors, leave them to the government

~

And we hide behind our tax free pews

~

I am a sinner because I am married to my best friend
and we share the same sex
But members of your church leadership are
alcoholics, drug addicts, rapists and voyeurs
and don’t forget the ones that like to touch your children

~

I am not turned on by your big fancy buildings
your bids for money to save people on the other side of the world
I don’t care about how many big screens you have on the
inside and outside of your building
When your ego is bigger than your god

~

God has mercy on us all
Thank You Jesus for Your faithfulness to the action plan
I miss the music from the pews and the honest lovers of Christ
But I am so angry and so tired of how complicated we have made
Loving Jesus together

~

In the Middle of the Night

by | May 8, 2022 | Poetry

There is a wound that you opened

It is new with blood

and old with scars upon scars

There is a metal taste I wish I could forget

~

You say you are the victim

but I saw you and I wasn’t alone

we heard your hate that was just like

the evil meant to keep me small

I just want to go to sleep

~

Therapy has helped me live

Pills help me slow down so I am better

but I can still be cut in two

There is still a pain that can make it hard to move

~

They couldn’t bite your head if you left when they asked

if you didn’t invade their space

if you didn’t keep pushing

I couldn’t cut my abuser in two

if they didn’t corner me in the middle of the night

~

A tongue is a double edged sword

it can slay or tell truths

The victim is a relative term depending on your perspective

The screaming radiates in my ears regardless of radical acceptance

~

I just want to go to sleep

~

The Foundation of Your Will

by | Sep 18, 2020 | Poetry

I have blood on my hands
it covers my palms warm and thick
It runs between my fingers
like liquid silk
The shock of it is curious
and I feel drunk
There is a voice singing that is like mine

I am mellow and expectant
Raising my arms to reach for more
the scars I have always had disappear
You have adopted me
and I am Yours
My heritage of rejections is gone
because You have never left me

You hold me close and I know You
Your voice is mine
We are one and We are new
I am wise and not broken
When I look back You recapture me
You are my inheritance
I know they never knew me

In You I am Your light and love
I have blood on my hands
and it is mine
You beckon and I follow until I forget
I am used to pain
Your heart beat calms me
If I remember to stay here
to live my inheritance

Image Credit: By 3rd/4th century monk – http://chrles.multiply.com/photos/album/36/Bible_Papyrus_p92#photo=2, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=13288140
~

Enough

by | Nov 22, 2017 | Poetry

Under the branches of You I hide
I live
I learn
I breath in the scent of You
and smile

The wind and waves roar inside me
They crash
and shake
Yet You are dependable
to save

You know the wars that tear at my flesh
You validate
You heal
You know who I truly am
I’m yours

Even in this wilderness
You are
I am
and I know You know where we are going
even now

That’s enough

Two Tears

by | Jun 6, 2017 | Poetry

I asked Jesus for someone to love me like Him
He sent me a soldier
to fight for me
to look past my ugliest and remember who I am
to see the path when I cannot
to remember that He is the one in charge

 

My head on your chest is my favorite spot
the sound of your heartbeat
is just one more reason to remember the mission

My Father has saved me over and over
He created me for a life
that requires much faith
and more grace
So when I needed someone on earth to hold my hand
He created you

Even sound asleep
you are working hard
and I am glad to lie here until fibromyalgia makes me move

Without you who would He send home
to wake me from a PTSD nightmare
Help me remember all the things I forget
Inspire me to push past my burning skin and screaming joints
when you need help
Make me want to imagine tomorrow

Your smile lights up my heart
makes it easy for me to never leave you behind
Helps me understand why Jesus would choose me

Until you wake and make me laugh
I will agree with Jesus in my prayers for you
I will hug you close until you stop snoring
laugh at the jokes you tell in your sleep
massage the muscles that twitch while you dream
I will revel in all the times I chose not to fight you

You are the love I wanted
You are my favorite blessing
When I thank Jesus for you every other care is silent
except for the tears that fall on your shirt

This poem is dedicated to My Love

Being Still

by | Feb 27, 2017 | Poetry

Lord please help me

Thank you for the beautiful blue sky today
The clouds are pretty
The tree out front praises You always
and right now shows the glimmer of new life in the light of the sun

I feel like the nothingness has come again
Like yeast I feel it expand
My thoughts seem to bubble up and away from me

If I could leave here I would

You hold me always and guide me with Your voice
You show me the path when I can walk
But now all I see is me trying to see You
Please give me Your eyes

Your faith in me is the only thing that
stops me from floating away
My body screams where it isn’t numb
I know You know what this feels like

Nevertheless not my will but Yours