Sometimes when we have a strong response to something it is because memories are bigger than the thing we are responding to. The other day I made a post on Facebook because I have seen so many memes and posts with the middle finger and it made me angry. It wasn’t my original post but it was the most important part. It said the important part for who I am now: I do swear but even my wife says it sounds weird coming out of my mouth. I have heard that often in my life. I do like fancy words better. My Nana always said there were so many beautiful adverbs to use instead of vulgarities. I agree with her. My one peeve that I can’t get over and it is getting worse is the middle finger. I think it is the trashiest thing one can ever do. Talk about low class not only to the person being flipped off but by the person doing it. It’s like you have decided to use one perfectly good finger to shut off all communication.
Since the day or two since I posted it, I seem to be fighting in my head again with real memories and feelings that have to do with the person I hate the most; the person that seeing “the bird” reminds me of. These are big statements. One, I have allowed myself to blame Anna for some of my behavior but as I am taking responsibility for my wellness, I realize that Anna is me. She is sometimes younger than me, but she is still me and I am responsible for her. Another thing that was hard for me to face this morning was that I have hate inside myself. I didn’t think I did. But after really paying attention to my memories, my responses to these memories and what I really want from my analysis of these memories, I do, in fact, have hatred inside myself. I know that forgiveness is a process and even though I have chosen to forgive many times, there are specific things I have tried to set down, I have failed.
A part of me wants to write a raving article about the terrible things this person did to me and my family. How their self-centered actions, time and time again hurt me, terrorized me, and made it impossible for me to ever trust them; even when I really tried hard to honor their role through marriage to my father. She stole things from me that cannot be replaced. She instilled things in my family that can not be forgotten. Her “helpfulness” was usually a way to get what she needed. But she knew how to pet my father, who deserved to be petted.
If I allow myself, this blog will go forever with accusations. I don’t want to live like that. I have to remember that. I have worked really hard to learn how to choose peace. It is no surprise that this lifelong problem has been lying in wait for me when I thought I had figured most things out. That is when foundational issues usually come out. I feel depressed because I have found myself guilty of holding hatred and unforgiveness for most of my life inside of me. I am talking to God. There is fear of letting this go. I don’t know life without this hatred. I am grateful that He has brought me to a place where I can finally take stock. I am grateful that we have walked through similar walks before and I know that when I am ready to let go, He will told me together. I am even grateful that He loves my step-mother and wants her wellness too because I don’t have to like her, I just have to forgive her.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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