According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the word, transactional, is an adjective that describes something that is related to buying and selling. For instance, transactional charges are fees that are associated with their purchase. Transactional can also be associated with relationships and this happens when each person in the relationship does things for the other person, expecting something done for them in return. As long as they get something in return, they are willing to give their time and resources at some point in the future. Transactional relationships are very beneficial at work, where you are earning your pay, but in more personal relationships, often times, if this is the main type of dynamic in your relationship, there is little room for meaningful connection. I want my life to be less transactional.
Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing so some have unwittingly entertained angels.
Hebrews 13:2
I was doing my bible study and this verse made me think of a time I was in Seattle with my father. We were on the pier. There were lots of vendors and we were on our way to somewhere, I don’t remember. There was a homeless man that wanted my father to say hello to him, but he ignored him. This made him angry. As my entire family followed my father and walked by him, I could feel his shame and anger get bigger. I could feel that so big. I was one of the last in the line of my extended family and as I came closer to him, I smiled at him and said hello. Immediately, he calmed down and smiled back.
When we were closer to the car, my father began berating me for speaking to the man. But I wouldn’t be put in my place. I put my father in his place. I was firm. I told him, he was wrong. All that man wanted was easy to give. He wanted to be seen, and I saw him.
I understand that my father was afraid of what the man could have done. But I was not. I knew Jesus was with me. I have come to understand that there were many things in my life that my extended family was not strong enough to walk through with me and it was better to let them go. Their fears only made it harder for me to be brave.
But there was more. The love I was raised with was more transactional than natural. If I was the good girl that served them, I was allowed some grace. But their grace only lasted as long as they wanted. My parents needed their needs met more than they knew how to take care of mine and they expected me to take care of them first.
The disadvantages of transactional relationships are:
- Shallow interaction
- Feeling undervalued
- Short-sighted with little loyalty and commitment
- Lack of safety
When I tried to talk about these things with my father, I was told that I was the only one with the problem so I was the problem. When I tried to talk to my mother, I was told that it wasn’t true and I was making this up. I had seen my aunt do this to my mother, while I was growing up too. Because I had been the one to have to care for my sisters, starting at 9 years old, I did not have a regular relationship with them. They had been taught by my parents to emotionally abuse me. I didn’t have any support and so they got the absolute worst of me. Now I know I had mental illness, neurodivergence, untreated chronic migraines, unbalanced hormones, insulin resistance and maybe even the beginning of fibromyalgia at a young age, I was a mess and I was trying to be a good girl with no help. I don’t blame my family for this. We didn’t have the words for these conditions back when I was growing up but compassion would have been nice, even when I started getting diagnosed and that never happened.
The most joy I ever experienced was when my siblings had children. In some ways things got easier because many of the stresses of a blended family got quieter as we decided to let some of the old things go. It wasn’t easier for me. I was still ignored and left out but when I showed up, I loved my nephews and nieces. I loved to play with them, listen to them and talk to them. They enjoyed me too. I let the other stuff go because it was easy to ignore everything else and just fall in love with these amazing people that just loved me.
But then in 2014 I got really sick and ended up in the hospital. It changed me. It broke something in me that kept me strong enough to be the good girl and take whatever they expected me to take. I needed to be myself and I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t want any of the disadvantages of transactional relationships anymore. I married Karen G Clemenson and she was seeing what I had been talking about and couldn’t understand why these people were so dismissive and blatantly abusive towards me. They would call and terrorize me over the phone and after visits I would be in bed for days and she would beg me to eat and take my meds. My therapists had told me I needed to separate them from my life. These people were hurting me.
Finally I made the choice to take a break. I know it is close to the anniversary of this first choice because I have been having lots of nightmares lately. I had never intended it to become permanent but it has become obvious to me that it must be. When you don’t believe there is anything wrong with your behavior, you aren’t going to change, even if you think you love someone. My extended family doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with their behavior. So I am taking my father’s advice. If I am the problem then I must go away. I have asked him to let me go and I mean it. I don’t want anything from him. My mother says she doesn’t understand why I don’t want her in my life but I have told her if she will go to therapy I will consider a relationship with her, she is just in denial.
I didn’t remove them from my life to hurt them. I removed them from my life to protect myself.
What I want more than anything is for them to see what it would take for us to grow. Years ago I realized that I was abusing a dear friend because we were both abused as children. My friend needed to be abused and I needed to abuse someone. As much as I loved them, I would hear myself say terrible things to them when I was visiting them. By the time I would be driving home, I would hate myself. We were both in therapy and I realized that we were fulfilling a role that was unhealthy and we separated for a few years while we dealt with ourselves and now we have an honest and loving relationship. We give freely to each other out of love and not because we need to fill some gross need that was taught to us by someone that was wrong.
And the reason this has all come up? The last few weeks I have started a new Facebook account. It doesn’t have all the blocked pages that make me feel safe and Facebook knows who I should be connected to. I didn’t mind Facebook suggesting my youngest sibling to me. Or my oldest. The profile picture of my father’s wife’s Facebook account bothers me because that is what they looked like when things were the worst but I let it go…it was the profile of my first niece. She is gorgeous. I had to look at her pictures. She is engaged to be married. I am so happy for her. My heart bursts with joy for her and I wish I could hug her and tell her this in person but she is collateral damage. These beautiful children are not children anymore and I hoped that when they were adults they could make their own choices and reach out to me but they have been told, what they have been told. I know not to interfere.
So the only transaction I will make regarding this beautiful woman and her cousins is with Jesus in my prayers.
But in my current relationships, I don’t hold on like I used to. I love in the moment, expecting nothing in return. It works better for me. I was raised, keeping a ledger and that has only made me tired. I was taught that I had to talk to everyone about Jesus, but I have watched people become afraid at the sight of a cross on my neck so I stopped wearing them. When people ask me about the beads on my wrists, I tell them that God is in His creation and then I tell them what my intentions are for these beads. Its a good conversation starter. I don’t believe that the beads themselves do anything, but God, in HIs wisdom, does what He plans…and I think the beads are pretty. I have learned to listen for when people aren’t interested or when Jesus wants me to say less or something else. This seems to work better for me. Sometimes I am really surprised at what comes out of my mouth.
One of the points that Bob made in the bible study I was reading was that Jesus gave freely. He didn’t feed people and then ask them to pray with Him. Jesus didn’t heal people and then ask them to do anything in return. Jesus just loved because that is His nature. That is the way I want to live. I want to love because I have the energy and desire to love and when I am tired or I don’t have resources, I want to go home and reload. When Jesus got tired, He spent time with God in prayer. That is what we are supposed to do. That is how you give freely. You give what you have. It doesn’t have to be transactional if you give from your abundance and then go home.
Giving what you have to give works for all kinds of relationships because many of us have scars and hurts that are in their own timing of healing. I have a friend that wants to call me friend but they don’t return my messages. They want me to come to their shows. Even though I have explained that my wife works 3 jobs and I don’t want to go out alone and I would prefer to do other things, they need the validation other ways. They have been hurt really bad by personal relationships and like the shining lights and protection of the stage. I understand this but I can’t give it to them. So I give them what I can. Maybe one day they will be ready for more personal time or I will be ready for the bright lights and large groups but for now, I pray for them. The love is still there. It is still very real. It is what I have. It doesn’t deny them their needs and freedom, but I am not feeling some of the feelings I might have felt that they couldn’t give me what I needed, because I have learned to get what I need from Jesus.
Another relationship I had to let go because they were abusive to me. We would come together and at some point they would dump me. Because I loved them, I would forgive them and re-engage. It was a similar pattern I had learned from my extended family. But at some point I came to a realization that I didn’t want to be abused anymore. Even though I loved them, and sometimes they acted like they loved me, I realized that more than not, our relationship was always on their terms. I decided that I wanted more than that and when I talked to them about that, I also realized that they were always comparing me to them, even about things I could do nothing about. I gave them a wide berth because they were dealing with their mental illness and I was proud of them but I was aware that I needed to take care of myself too. In our last communication they told me they didn’t want to know me. So I listened to their words and let them go. I still pray for them when I think about them. I want them to have happiness, health and goodness in their life, but when they send me messages, I don’t reply because I have made the decision to not be abused anymore. I have learned to place people that I can’t have in my life in the hands of Jesus.
In my last conversations with my siblings I told them I had nothing for them. I was done. I still love them but I have given all I have for them. When I think of them I hope they have what they want in life, hope, love and joy. I am sometimes sad because I wish I had loving relationships with them and I mourn the few times that were joyful but the trust is gone and relationship has been comatose for many years. I am sure they have their own pain. We were all raised the same way. So many transactions. All I can do is place them in Jesus’ arms.
Jesus is not transactional. He loves everyone. He doesn’t get tired. He doesn’t run out of resources. He knows what to do always. I am supposed to give freely, not out of my lack. I don’t stop loving, I have stopped giving when I have nothing more to give. I have learned when to let people stay in the rear view mirror so I can move forward to new opportunities that were created by Jesus for each new day. This is how to live without transactions but to live freely. When we let people abuse us, it is too easy to allow our relationships to become transactional. I want my life to be less transactional. I want my life to be free.
You don’t get what you want by waiting for it to come to you most of the time. Most of life is about making choices. This has been a hard and very important lesson.
Read More:
- Live in Grace Walk in Love A 365 Day Journey by Bob Goff, page 69, Nelson Books, 2019
- Transactional Relationships: The Link Between Reciprocity and Co Connection Is it bad when the give – and – take drives everything? By Kendra Cherry, MSEd and Medically Reviewed by Ra Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS for VeryWell Mind on February 24, 2024
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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