I have been depressed for at least a month. This is a big depression. I have lived with bouts of depression for as long as I can remember. Anxiety too. You can’t fix me. I can’t fix me. I think this is the spur in my saddle because God has chosen to not heal me. But He has not left me alone or unprotected, even though my brain lies to me and tries to get me to believe that I am alone, and that I will never see my dreams fulfilled, and that sometimes I am better off dead.
As a chronically ill person I have a lot of diagnosis’ and I have a lot of things I do every day to help me have a life as healthy as possible. I often pray throughout the night, since my body temperature and pain levels fluctuate making it hard to sleep, not to mention the nightmares or stressful dreams. But I also pray before I get out of bed. I also have a workout that focuses on my core and hips before I get out of bed or walking is very hard. I used to have a personal hygiene self care list because when you are depressed, it can be hard to floss your teeth, but I have finally got the habit of my personal care leading up to dressing set. I take a lot of meds; 15 prescriptions to be exact. I have three batches of meds I take daily: morning, mid-day and evening; I also have an injectable I take on Saturday evening. I have timers set to remind me. The second set of meds revolve around meals. Most days I take a walk and also have an afternoon workout. All my workouts are about 10-15 minutes long because when you have chronic pain you can’t go too long or you might not function well the next day. I have a bible study time. I have reading times. I have daily chores to keep my home clean. I must clean something every day because I can’t do big cleaning days. I have so many food sensitivities that I cook most of my food from scratch. I have to order some of my food online because I can’t find some items in Longview. It is a lot of work to be me.
My Medical Conditions Are:
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Panic Disorder
- Major Depressive Disorder
- Fibromyalgia
- Psoriatic Arthritis
- Osteoarthritis
- Lymphedema
- Hiatal Hernia
- Gastrointestinal Reflux Disease
- Diabetes
- Chronic Migraine
- Endometrial Cancer
- Morbid Obesity
I see a Psychiatric RN to help me manage my mood stabilizers and a Therapist to help me with my thoughts and mental wellness plan. I see a Neurologist to help me with my migraines. I see a Rheumatologist to help me with my arthritis and fibromyalgia issues, however nobody usually has many answers for fibro. I control my GERD through diet since the meds for GERD cause cancer. I see Gynecological Oncologist for my endometrial cancer. I also see my Primary for everything else. Since August I have seen them all and even had several consults with other specialists for several other things. This is the first week I have not had one or two appointments and had to offer my arms up for blood tests. I am sure this is part of my depression. I am exhausted.
I have also had several big losses since May.
I am also facing some big things. The cancer meds cause weight gain. The hysterectomy I am facing is very dangerous at my size. I am having a very hard time getting weight off. The idea of having my girl parts removing is hard to face on its own, but the fact I could die or not be able to handle the laparoscopic surgery and will awake to being cut open from stem to stern really scares me not only for vanity reasons but the pain and agony of the healing process and the chance of complications and infection really causes me to lose my breath sometimes.
Yesterday was a terrible day. I struggled to do anything. I struggled but I did do my morning workout and prayer and get dressed. i did take my meds. I did take a walk. I did put laundry away and made dinner. I posted a request for prayer and so many replied that they would pray and that helped so much!
One woman replied with a laundry list and it really pissed me off. I know she doesn’t know me. I don’t think she knows what real depression is. If she did she would know that when you are low enough to post on a social networking site for help, the last thing you need is a to do list. You just need to know that someone heard your plea.
I was born a literal person. I am very clear when I write. I was specific. I asked for prayers. That is what I wanted. I have my daily lists. I know what to do. Sometimes that list is not enough. That is what I was trying to convey. You might wonder how I can write this if I am depressed, because I am still depressed. For me, writing sometimes helps me find my voice and come out of it. But many of us that live with depression have had to learn to live with it. We function to some extent in spite of our depression. We know that it will probably get better because this isn’t our first time. What we need is people to listen when we are brave enough to say: Hey see me! I feel like I am drowning over here.
You can’t fix me. But you can see me and hear me or you can just leave me alone.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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