Today was a good day! I woke up in a lot of pain, understandably, with the amount of walking I did yesterday but once I forced myself to do my workout my body was willing to comply…Thank You Jesus!
I walked more yesterday than I have in a long time and my body bounced back with a little self-love…this tells me I can push myself harder than I have been. Obviously my red blood cells have rallied and my anemia is minor at worst…we will find out tomorrow when I have labs. In preparation I have taken two short walks today. I don’t want to stress my body out too much, she can really throw me down if she wants to and that is not my goal.
Although my oncologist doesn’t think my weight will be too much of an issue during my surgery, mainly because she believes that most of my weight is in my legs, due to lymphedema, every pound I can get off before my surgery will help me get through and recover from surgery better. She is also planning to do my surgery at Good Samaritan in Portland, where they are better prepared for any issue that might arise during the procedure, because of my size. Her main concern is how my lungs will handle the position my body has to be in for the surgery, so walking will help build them up. I wont be able to workout for an undetermined amount time after my surgery because we don’t know how Fibromyalgia and Psoriatic Arthritis will respond to the stress…obviously swelling will be an issue so getting as much water off my body beforehand will at least set my body up for more success.
It was really affirming to me to meet with a doctor that was so positive about my body. She didn’t deny that my weight is an issue but she looked at it much more positively than I am accustomed to. I have lived with a lot of emotional abuse and gaslighting related to my body and I really need to see my weight as something that is a diagnosis that I can deal with and improve with diligence and self-love, instead of an insurmountable mountain that I can never overcome.
I met with my therapist today and told her about my interaction with people from my past and she was really happy to hear how I have grown. I used to dissociate for any number of days after dealing with them and Karen would beg me to take my meds and eat and drink anything…this time I recognized my feelings, had a good cry and a nap because I was tired and then I took care of myself. I only lost 1/2 a day in the process. This is amazing for me and it was nice to get the affirmation from my therapist that I didn’t disappear, I recognized the process of mourning and used my tools.
We have updated my treatment plan because I have accepted my choice to permanently separate from my abusers, that need to keep me in a scapegoat role. Now we are going to work on my responses to adversity, which seem to be more related to relationships and large groups. She also affirmed with me that working on adversity is important for me. With my goal of being a foster parent, which is not an easy job and presents the opportunity of the children’s responses to adversity to be a trigger for me as well. She agrees that finding out my triggers with strangers is a very good idea. If I am aware of my triggers I can set my intentions, create an action plan and bounce back quicker.
I also plan to add mindfulness meditation, one time per week, with a future goal of 5 minutes per day. We both agree that this will aid in the further healing of my brain and seems to be the natural next step for me. My goal is to start this on Saturday because I have been spending a lot of time on the phone getting appointments scheduled to prepare me for surgery and my insurance company is not moving as fast as my oncologist would like so I imagine I will be busy for the rest of the workdays this week.
My goal is to do my workout and get at least 1 walk in every day, but I will do more as my body is able. I also got a great nap in…which would have been longer if Xavier had not thought 4 hours was enough…gotta love him!
Today Jesus gathered another beautiful soul with Him in heaven. I know that my niece and her family are hurting as they accept this loss but Betty was an amazing woman who knew how important it was to invest in her family and I know that these memories will comfort them as they learn to walk without her…and knowing Betty, she is cheering them all on with legions of angels!
Yes. Today was a good day. Growth and perseverance are gifts in themself. I encourage you to make self-love a top priority. You deserve it.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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