That is What They Know

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 6, 2024 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Opinions

I have a person from the past that emails me. I always respond but I don’t tell them too much. Just enough. I know they love me but our relationship has always been toxic. It isn’t their fault. They are a good person they just need some help and I can’t give it to them. I have asked them to go to therapy, take the meds that a medical professional suggests, get better. They know that I have chosen to keep them out of my daily life, they always elude to that at the beginning of their email. It is part of how they communicate. If they tell me anything about themselves, it is how overwhelmed they are, a complaint about something they won’t get help with, but could. It is a pattern they are following because that is what they know. They never answer any questions I ask. They never ask any questions about me. These two statements tell me they still don’t know how to have an equal relationship, where I won’t be expected or needed to be the servant. I am afraid to let them closer to me partially because my blunt and honest communications style hurts their feelings and also their need to be served fits into my old patterns that triggers all my mental illnesses: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.

When they first emailed me yesterday, I told them about a few things that have changed and things that were coming up. They never respond to my emails. I was surprised to get a response on the same day. In their second email they were telling me they were surprised that I responded. But I don’t understand that because I always answer their emails.

They wanted to walk with me. I told them no. I can’t do more than email right now. I said this for many reasons. First, I can’t go back to the old relationship we had. I need proof that they are different and they haven’t shown me that they have done anything to get better. Second, the actual type of biological relationship we had is not going to work for me and I don’t think they can just be my friend; because they haven’t proven they are doing anything to get better. Three, when I am walking I don’t talk; I am in pain. Every step is excruciating and I am just trying to get through the walk. I don’t want to hurt their feelings but my walks are all about me getting through it and I am not social at all.

In the past when I have tried to take care of myself and set boundaries I have been told I was selfish; this person suggested that I always have to have things my way. I am a neurodivergent person and a chronically ill person. They are right. I do have to have things my way sometimes, but not because I am selfish. I have a sick body and mind and many times I am not in control of what she is going to do, but also I wasn’t made to be a servant to my family; I was made to be a servant of God and He doesn’t ask me to give until I am sick like my extended family has.

I am not without compassion and empathy for this person. I pray for them and love them but I can’t save them; I have tried many times but I know now that it is not my job to do that. I also know how strong and capable they are to do this for themselves. If this person wants me in their life they are able to get the help they need to overcome the things that overwhelm them for their sake and mine. I know because I have done it and continue to do it. It doesn’t happen over night. Wellness is a path that we walk for the rest of our lives but it takes us choosing to make the necessary changes. I have seen this person make many positive changes in their life. If they want me in their life they will go to therapy, learn how to set and respect boundaries, learn how to have a balanced relationship and see me for who I actually am and not for who they want me to be. Until I can see those changes, our relationship will have to be email only.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

5 Books for January 2024

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 29, 2024 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Happy New Year! I don’t believe in making resolutions but I do believe in doing my best every day. So after committing to 7 books a month for the end of 2023, I decided that I might want to change gears to free up more time for other things. However, I still enjoy children’s books. I do think I get a lot out of reading them so for 2024 I will be reading 5 books per month. So without further ado…

So Say the Little Monkeys by Nancy Van Laan

So Say The Little Monkeys by Nancy Van Laan
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

So Say the Little Monkeys by Nancy Van Laan is a fun story based on a story the Indians in Brazil made up to describe the fun-loving Blackmouth Monkeys that live in the tall palm trees along the Rio Negro. Every day the monkeys play in the sun and every night they wish they had made a proper shelter when the rain and wind comes. But each new day, they quickly become distracted from their attempts at work by the adventures to be had.

This musical type book is fun and engaging. The illustrations by Yumi Heo are simple, yet beautiful. This is a great story time book!

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of So Say the Little Monkeys by Nancy Van Laan on Amazon.

How Raven Stole the Sun by Maria Williams

How Raven Stole the Sun by Maria Williams
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

How Raven Stole the Sun by Maria Williams is a traditional Native American folklore story of the Tlingit Tribe. The story talks about the selfish chief that kept the stars, moon and sun in boxes so all people had to live by campfire. The Raven, known as a trickster, came up with a plan to get the chief to let the stars, moon and sun out of the boxes so everyone could benefit from their light.

The illustrations by Felix Vigil are beautiful. This book was created by the Smithsonian’s National Museum of the American Indian and this is just one of a series. It offers 4 pages of information and pictures exploring Native culture. I really enjoyed this book.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of How Raven Stole the Sun by Maria Williams on Amazon.

A Second is a Hiccup by Hazel Hutchins

A Second Is A Hiccup by Hazel Hutchins
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Have you ever had a little one ask you to describe how long time is? A Second is a Hiccup by Hazel Hutchins gives kids a reference to time in ways most kids can understand. This book has a nice rhythm and rhyme and the illustrations by Kady MacDonald Denton are precious.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of A Second is a Hiccup by Hazel Hutchins on Amazon.

In The Night Garden by Carin Berger

In the Night Garden by Carin Berger
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book! It was relaxing but inspiring. The art seemed like it should be multi-dimensional. I think I will be adding In The Night Garden by Carin Berger to my personal collection.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of In The Night Garden by Carin Berger on Amazon.

Is That Wise Pig? by Jan Thomas

Is That Wise, Pig? by Jan Thomas
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Mouse, Cow and Pig are making soup but Pig has some funny ideas about some of the ingredients until we get to the end, of course. Is That Wise Pig? by Jan Thomas is an adorable tale that is perfect for little ones. The illustrations are simple and will be easy for additional conversation. The humor will even make this a fun read for adults.

View all my reviews

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of IsThat Wise Pig? by Jan Thomas on Amazon.

I did buy a few of the books I read last year. I can’t wait to share them with my great-nephews. At least one of the books in this review is on my watch list too. How do you find books that you love? Let me know!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Book Review: How We Love Matters: A Call to Practice Relentless Racial Reconciliation by Albert Tate

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 26, 2024 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

I have this bag of books that my sister, Jamie Holloway, gave me that says Books for Joy on it. Joy is Jamie’s sister. Jamie lives in the Portland area and Joy lives near me. Both of them do not drive so I have been given the opportunity to read these books and pass them onto Joy. I have had them for quite some time and just began diving into them. They are some great books! I just finished How We Love Matters: A Call to Practice Relentless Racial Reconciliation by Albert Tate and I am so glad I read this book. It spoke to my heart on so many levels. Tate is a great teacher and his viewpoint is not lost on me. Although the main topic is on racism and all that implies, he also talks about politics, religion, activism and being an American.

Racism is a packed word that includes lots of actions. White Supremacy is obviously evil and easier to see. White Privilege is more subtle because it has been worked into so many systems to make Whiteness normative. Many of us don’t realize that we have required people of color to adhere to our way of life so White people don’t have to be uncomfortable, while we don’t have to make any adjustments for Black people or people of color. This isn’t fair and explains the lack of trust and honest communication between people groups. I have tried to talk about this topic with some White people and they refuse to see what I have learned just while I have been married to my beautiful mulatto wife.

Often when issues or protests are made we are told, it isn’t that we are protesting, it is how we are protesting — but silence is not an option:

Dr Martin Luther King Jr
Colin Kaepernick
Black Lives Matter
Make America Great Again

All of these topics can bring big feelings but we must be able to talk about them and look each other in the eye and not be afraid. In the end our faith in God must be what is more important. Even our politics have become so messy.

Jesus didn’t come to change a nation. He came to change our nature. He did not give us the right to weaponize the scripture and disrespect our Father in Heaven. We are to spread light, hope and promise to each other — but a “Christian Nation” relies on power and not Jesus.

God created us all in His image. We are all beautiful, loving, all His, all one and all equal — but whiteness says that’s not true. It creates this internalized racial oppression in Black folks that tells them that if I am not White I am other. Whiteness creates division. The system, all systems have been created by White people, for White people and executed by White people so it has become normalized.

The scriptures walk us through racial divide, political agendas, kingdoms rising against kingdoms, political unrest and corruption. The way we get beyond our own tendencies, preferences and not walk in division is that the church is meant to be a witness and shine God’s light. All marginalized people, whether they are people of color, differently-abled people, people with mental illness and other challenges, queer people — everyone is welcome at God’s table. It is as wide and as long as God’s love is and there is room for everyone.

Agreement is not a requirement. Disagreement means we work harder to love.

I think this book is very important to Christians who want to love each other better. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway. You can get your own copy of How We Love Matters: A Call to Practice Relentless Racial Reconciliation by Albert Tate on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

How We Love Matters: A Call to Practice Relentless Racial Reconciliation by Albert Tate
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I really got a lot out of this book. Tate touched on so many aspects of life and where we can work on growth in a way that was honest but not offensive. I think this book could help so many people work on reconciliation and understanding how we can love each other better.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Business / Product Review: Crafty Works, LLC

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 23, 2024 | Book & Product Reviews, Fuel Your Wellness

The article was originally posted on Wellness Works NW on January 16, 2024.

Locally owned by Christen and Willow Ellis, this mother-daughter team has worked to bring their creativity and desire for natural ingredients together to create Crafty Works, LLC, where they sell handmade skin care products and candles. All their products are made in small batches, tested thoroughly and hand-poured using only high quality and eco-friendly ingredients.

Crafty Works, LLC offers the following items:

Bath bombs
Bath salts
Body Balm
Candles
Car & Room fresheners
Gift boxes
Lip balm
Shampoo bars
Shower bombs
Soaps
Wax melts

My wife, Karen G Clemenson, and I have known Christen and her family for years. We have also been looking for the right skin care products for even longer. I have very sensitive skin and Karen gets very dry at times too. I have tried many national brands and handmade products. Some were very good but never perfect. (more…)

The Pain of Being Black

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 22, 2024 | Opinions

Very rarely does Karen G Clemenson share the pain of being Black. She has trained herself to focus on the growth, the goodness of the White people that have helped and loved her, and the moments worth celebrating as we evolve. But she had a moment of rawness as we were discussing the race for presidency. I take voting for president seriously, yet I can only handle so much and there have been years I could handle nothing. Karen and I don’t agree on everything politics, but we do agree to pray for our president. Their success is our success and their failure will not make us stronger.

In this moment, that came upon us, I believe I was experiencing a much younger Karen, one that was hurt, offended and ashamed. She has so much pain in her, that her face had become contorted as she spoke of a time that Biden had voted for segregated schools because, “he didn’t want his kids going to schools with kids that were just like me,” she said.

I was startled at the passion in her voice. I have grown accustomed to being faced with my White Privilege, especially since I married Karen. I have a better feeling for the word “racism” and how it is entwined in our society but I have always lived in Washington State and in the predominantly White city of Longview, where we don’t like change. But I do know that racism tastes different in other states, like North Carolina, where Karen grew up. Where there still might be places with drinking fountains for “Whites Only” that Karen and I pray our little great-niece will never see because she is only a few shades darker than the beautiful shade of gingerbread that her Great-Auntie Karen is.

I am reading a book called How We Love Matters: A Call to Practice Relentless Racial Reconciliation by Albert Tate. I am enjoying his viewpoint. Tate is a pastor in Southern California, but he was born and raised in Mississippi and he comes from generations of Black ministers. In his book he recalls in Genesis 4 the story about Cain and Abel. God warned Cain that He saw “sin crouching at your door.” Cain was angry that God had not accepted his offering because God saw what was in Cain’s heart. Instead of making his heart right, Cain killed his brother because he was jealous that God had accepted Abel’s sacrifice. When God came looking for both the brothers, He asked Cain where his brother was. Cain replied, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

God, of course was beside Himself. He said, “Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.”

The picture that Tate is trying to create in his book is that many people have died at the hands of people that feel they are better than others, not just Black people, but Native Americans, Mexicans, Asians, any nation of people that have been persecuted at the hands of White people that don’t understand that God knows. Their blood cries out to Him from the ground. I am not done with the book, but this is a very powerful mental picture for me.

Getting back to our conversation about the presidential campaign, Karen and I agree we are kind of stumped. Karen is a registered republican but she is not a Trumpster. We are both baffled that he is even in the running. Although we respect our current president, neither one of us really wants 4 more years with Biden. We both agree his cognitive abilities are slipping, which is normal for someone that has had a brain aneurysm and someone of his advanced years. I read With All Due Respect Defending American with Grit and Grace by Nikki R. Haley and I like what I read. I haven’t seen any of the debates but from what I have read and seen on TV, it sounds as if she is spending more time fighting with DeSantos than trying to argue important points and that makes me feel disappointed and maybe she is more reactionary than we really need right now, however I still think she is the best of all the republican options we have so far. Both of us feel like both republican and democratic parties should be able to offer stronger candidates.

Within the last few days some comments were made about a few Black celebrities about racism. I try to give Karen space because I am not Black and although I have a much more deep understanding of my Whiteness and a greater awareness of Blackness, I have not had as many experiences with racism as my wife has. But I was thinking about it and I let her know that I applaud her because her great-grandmother was so ahead of her time. She was able to see that there was power in loving White people and not hating them and drilling that into Karen because Karen is White as well as Black, even though most of society is only going to acknowledge her Blackness. Because of this, Karen gets offended when racism is brought up. She feels like it holds society back. But today I pointed out that just because she is on a different part of the path, doesn’t mean that others still don’t need us to recognize the blood on the ground and celebrities that use their social status to call attention for the ones that still need the blood to be seen, so we can appreciate the hard work, sacrifice and life that was given so we can know more freedom now than ever, is important. She thanked me for my thoughts and told me she would think about that.

But getting back to our conversation; I love how Karen thinks sometimes. I was offended because Nikki Haley had made a comment that we don’t have a racism problem and it was caught on camera. Oh Nikki…Nikki is the daughter of immigrants from India. She is a Brown woman. She has been “othered” many times in her life because in South Carolina, where she is from you are either Black or White and she is neither. But this is where Karen got my attention because she pointed out that she bets there are 7 White men behind Nikki making sure she is successful. What a mind picture!

Change can be scary but I think doing things the same way when it is causing pain to others and not making things better is terrifying. I live in a body that doesn’t like change but I do when it is right; you can imagine the fights I have with myself at times. But I was so excited when Barack Obama became president. It felt like progress. Karen didn’t agree with me but she has her own reasons. I could feel how having our first Black president was so important for our nation. This campaign we are both interested in seeing Nikki Haley win. Not only is she a woman but an Indian woman. Her husband is successful in business and in the military, she is a mother, and she has had success as a diplomat and in the UN.

In Tate’s book he says when we love people we have to change how we do things to show our love when see that how we do things is hurting others. He talks about a friend that is gluten intolerant that his family makes sure to change their menu when she comes around so that she knows she is important to them. He speaks of a friend with two children with Down’s Syndrome that shared his anger with how people called his children retarded and this caused Tate to become mindful to educate people about the proper way to speak about people with similar challenges. He writes about a doctor that made huge strides in gynecology on Black women’s bodies with no pain medication. The doctor was eventually found out and he lost his right to practice medicine. These women have saved many women’s lives but their blood cries out from the ground like so many others.

So how do you change? You look at the blood. You admit it is there. You acknowledge your part in it and if you perpetuate any of the social rules that keep the blood there or add to it (its hard to see it sometimes but you can ask God to help you and He will). You can become more aware and educated and just work on loving like Jesus in you leads because He loves so unselfishly. It won’t happen over night but it might happen in leaps and bounds sometimes. Just being willing will make such a difference.

One time I shared a meme that had a message I thought was appropriate but it was a quote by an artist and it included a picture of the artist that made lots of money saying anti-transgender comments. Minutes later I got a message from someone that knew I was a sensitive person asking if I was a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. I assured them I am not, that I just liked the meme. After we chatted about the meme and they told me why it hurt them, I asked them if I needed to take it down, they said it would make them feel better, so I did and I don’t post anything by that artist anymore. I changed because I don’t want to hurt anyone.

If you want to read more about that see Are You a TERF?

When Jesus loved people He showed them. I want to be like Jesus. I don’t want to cause any more pain if I can help it. I hope this article inspires you to be more like Jesus too.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Book Review: The Sweetness of Water by Nathan Harris

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 19, 2024 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions, Queer Community

The Sweetness of Water by Nathan Harris takes place at the end of the Civil War. George Walker was not a man that had to work. His father had left him money and he had enough acreage to wander and enjoy the nature he loved so much. His wife, Isabelle, was strong-natured and did not require much of him. His son was away at war and this worried him because he saw himself in his son, the quiet softness that didn’t care for violence. But George didn’t talk about these things to anyone but Clementine, the whore that he paid to just listen to him. When he was told about his son’s death, it took him a few days to tell Isabelle. He didn’t want to hurt her.

During one of his walks he found Landry and Prentiss camped out; two freedmen from the plantation next to his. George had pushed himself too far and he was thankful for the help back to his cabin. He didn’t mind them camping on his land. Soon their relationship changed and Landry and Prentiss became paid hands on George’s land as George had decided to make something of his farm and needed their help. George paid them the same he would pay any man and this angered the people in Old Ox, where they lived. Landry and Prentiss were glad to live in the barn. This also angered the townsfolk.

When Caleb, George and Isabelle’s son returned, scarred but not dead, they were overjoyed. But he had secrets. The communication was still not good between he and his parents. He and his lover, August were having trouble as August was planning his wedding to a local girl, as was expected of him.

The Sweetness of Water was so full of surprises and intrigue. The characters were well-developed. There was a rhythm to the story that kept me turning the pages. I really enjoyed this book and I highly recommend it to anyone.

I got this book from my sister Jamie Holloway. You can get your own copy of The Sweetness of Water by Nathan Harris on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

The Sweetness of Water by Nathan Harris
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This story truly moved me and showed me how far we have come. Reconstruction after the Civil War was dropped too quickly by people that didn’t understand how many layers we had to deal with, but we have endured and there are so many layers we can celebrate. This book reminds us of that. This book is about a family that is not perfect but they are bound by their imperfect love for each other and a couple of Freedmen in spite of the pressure of the entire town that wants them to be forgotten, yet through many losses, they are not. This book has loss and pain but also joy and growth. I promise you, you wont want to put the book down.

View all my reviews

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Don’t Have Self-Esteem Issues

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 18, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions, Prayers

I have been thinking about a response I got to a post I made on Facebook last week about an interaction I had with someone. I didn’t post the conversation with the person because I wanted to get kudos for myself. I wanted to encourage anyone that needed it to make efforts to see the people around them. But I was surprised when someone responded to my post that they saw my light no matter what I felt about myself. I was surprised about this because I don’t have self-esteem issues. In fact I have come to a point in my life that there is a quiet peace. I am satisfied with myself. I know my Creator is happy with me. I know my wife and my sister are happy with me. I know even my cat is happy with me. I honestly don’t want to hurt anyone, I want to be a blessing, but I don’t need the approval or adoration of anyone.

I don’t know if this is age or just that I spend most of my time with God and Karen G Clemenson, Jamie Holloway and Xavier and we all have a high level of integrity, communication and honesty and we don’t play games with each other. This has helped me a lot. This stability I have always craved is content. The resiliency that we have had to cultivate has made us more pliable. The fact that we all understand that we do not see, hear or understand all that God does, but that we know He has us and will never leave of forsake us is powerful. We remind each other as needed. This no nonsense way of life is refreshing.

I suppose having to let people go, that I have love for, because they can’t hear me has made a difference. It was a hard process. There was mourning involved. There were many emotions involved. But there was also healing involved and honesty that has honored my self. They can’t or won’t hear me but I did. God did. He knows that I don’t want reconciliation with people that can’t or won’t hear me or respect my individuality; that I wasn’t put on this earth to serve them. I was put on this earth to serve God and He has other ideas. He needs me to be whole and able to make decisions with an un-fractured mind. He isn’t afraid of my diagnosis’ and my need for medications or therapy. He isn’t afraid of my history. He was with me every step of the way and He will be with me for every one I have yet to make.

My self-esteem is grounded in the same place my light is — in the salvation and new life I have in Jesus Christ. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. It means I never struggle alone. That light that person was referring to in my post was not me by myself but me in Jesus and Jesus in me.

I have been in a place that seemed like a struggle but really it was a place of rest. I was learning to trust God; that He would provide no matter what. We are getting ready for a new home. We are getting ready for a new path or at least a bigger view of the one God has had us on. God has been preparing us for something new and we are ready. That will mean I might not spend as much time at home, or maybe people will be coming to me, we shall see what He has in store but I won’t be alone so much, I know it. I have learned to relish the time alone and to talk more freely to God because He is my best friend and He is always here and I shouldn’t hold back. He knows everything anyway…

There were a lot of things that I learned from The Birthday Card I Didn’t Want. It wasn’t the only message I received that week from people I had said goodbye to. There was a note in Messenger from a person that had dumped me so many times in our 30 year relationship. The last time they dumped me they told me they didn’t want to know me and as I skimmed their message, just days after that terrible letter from Winfred, and a few days before my birthday, that is what I heard in my head: I don’t want to know you. It is true, a part of them probably loves me but another part of them really doesn’t want to know me and that is the part I am continuing to protect myself from. I deleted that message. You don’t have to be in relationships that hurt you just because you love someone. Their version of love might not be the same as yours. You have to love yourself too.

There is always a cost to saying no to someone that abuses you. But when you find people that don’t play games with you and really love you, it is easy to say no to people that don’t know how to love you. Jesus told us to give freely out of our abundance. If we are giving until it hurts we are not giving from abundance. We are not free to love. We are not loving ourselves. By loving ourselves we are filling the coffers to let love overflow. This is the natural way of loving. Jesus made time to pray and fill His coffers. We need the same thing. Finding time to talk to God and read the bible because it is the physical way we can get to know Him is the best way to get your cup to overflow. It is nice to go to church but if you have nothing to give, why go?

We are supposed to be a blessing to each other but if we are not filling our selves up, and God is the only thing that our Spirit craves, how can we bless each other. It is natural that sometimes we are going to need the support of others, but there comes a point that we must grow beyond the need of just milk but something actually to chew on and we must be able to serve each other. You don’t get this by being in need all the time. You must strengthen yourself and talking with God, just like you would with your best friend and waiting for Him to answer and reading the bible is that only way you are going to grow. Humans are not perfect and can hear things wrong. You must cultivate your own relationship with God. If this is how you ground your self-esteem you will not be unsatisfied.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: My Own Words by Ruth Bader Ginsburg

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 15, 2024 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Joan Ruth Bader was born on March 15, 1933. There were so many girls named Joan in her kindergarten class that her mother suggested she be called Ruth and that is how she is known for more official purposes. Ruth loved to read and write and was encouraged to be independent by her mother. Ruth’s family was not devout but Ruth valued the reverence for justice and learning that was part of her Jewish heritage. She enjoyed studying Hebrew and the history of the Jews. Ruth Bader Ginsburg loved opera. If she could have chosen one talent it would have been to able to have a glorious voice. Ruth’s mother died of cervical cancer a few days before Ruth’s high school graduation. Instead of attending, she stayed at home with her father.

It occurred to me to find a book about Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the day she died. I knew little of her, other than she was the second female Supreme Court Judge ever and she had worked hard to make many positive changes but I didn’t know what they were. I grabbed the first book that I found online and that is how I ended up with My Own Words by Ruth Bader Ginsburg in my hands. At the time I didn’t realize that this book was not a memoir but a book of her collected speeches, which is a very different type of read than a biography or autobiography. It did take me several months to make it through this book because I had to take breaks and read other things, but that is not because her life wasn’t amazing!

Ginsburg was hired at Columbia in 1972, “The year of the woman” as the beneficiary of the Nixon administration’s effort to encourage colleges and universities to hire women faculty.

During weeks that court is not in session Supreme Court Justices visit Universities and Law Schools or other lawyers in the United States. During the longer breaks some justices travel to other countries to teach or attend classes. Justice Ginsburg has been to Australia, Austria, Canada, China, England, Egypt, France, India, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Luxembourg, New Zealand, South Africa, Sweden and Tunisia. Part 1, Chapter 8

Ginsburg was honored to receive the National Council of Jewish Women’s award on March 12, 2001. This award aligns with the belief that people are to improve steadily in our community to be more humane, fair and just. Part 2, Chapter 4

On Sunday June 27, 2010 Ginsburg’s husband of 56 years, Martin Ginsburg, died. The same month Ginsburg became the senior Justice among the liberal Supreme Court members.

These are just a few of the numerous accomplishments of an outstanding woman. Her goal was to make a more equal world for women, which she did, but she also worked to make laws equal for men that weren’t so before she got to them. She was a passionate, intelligent and energetic woman that worked longer at the Supreme Court than anyone before her. I plan to reread this book and also look for other books about her. She is truly a remarkable person. I highly recommend this book.

You can get your own copy of My Own Words by Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

My Own Words by Ruth Bader Ginsburg
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a revolutionary woman that not only fought for equal rights for woman but all people. She was energetic, intelligent and passionate about the law. This book was not an easy read, but the accomplishments of Ginsburg’s life were extraordinary and so is this book.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: The Contemplative Tarot A Christian Guide to the Cards by Brittany Muller

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 12, 2024 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

I was handed a copy of The Contemplative Tarot A Christian Guide to the Cards by Brittany Muller by my sister,Jamie Holloway. My first thought was that I didn’t want anything to do with tarot. I was raised being told it was wrong. But after hearing her thoughts and giving it some thought of my own, I realized I wanted to read this book, not because I felt it would add anything to my life but it might help me not be afraid of a deck of cards.

I was surprised to learn that tarot began as a card game to entertain Italian nobles. Rooted in Christianity and enamored on Pagan antiquity and always trying to bring them together — this is what brought about tarot. The first deck was created in the 15th century (about 1401 to 1500) to play a game similar to bridge. The trumps contained figures that we see today: Death, The Fool, The Empress, Temperance, Justice, etc. The game eventually died out in Italy but remained popular in France and Switzerland and became standardized as Tarot de Marseille. It didn’t get it’s occult connection until the 19th century (about 1801 to 1900) in France when the occult became popular and people wanted to believe it came from Egypt and was meant to be a tool for divination of the future.

At the same time England had their own occult ideas. The Freemasons founded The Golden Dawn that included tarot as a ritual for fortune telling. One of the members, Aleister Crowley, left on bad terms. He left England and went to Sicily and established Abbey of Thelema in 1920. This was a spiritual philosophy he created by mixing Golden Dawn teachings, yoga and Eastern and Western mysticism — these teachings later inspired Wicca. The Thoth Tarot cards he created are still used today.

Tarot can be used for:

Divination
Self-Development
- facilitate inner knowledge, growth and transformation
- uncover one’s thoughts and feelings they might be avoiding

With constant stimulation we live with in our lives now, we don’t have time for out thoughts and self-reflection. How do we create stillness to hear the voice of God?

Tarot can help with:

We need to slow down and make space
We need to self-reflect
We need to see God in His creation

Most of the book is spent describing each of the cards in the deck. Although I don’t feel as though I want to add tarot to my worship time, I can see how it could be a tool that some people might find value in. I did find the descriptions of the cards to be surprisingly personal and the questions at the end of each description made me think of things very deeply. I was intrigued at how much I thought while I read this book. I am glad I read this book. It strengthened my resolve that objects cannot have any more power over me than I give them. A deck of cards are just that unless I believe more than that.

The way that Muller described how she uses the tarot cards to enrich her time with the bible and God sounds like she gets a lot out of her experience. The difference between her and I is that she is Catholic and I am a non-traditional Christian. I don’t rely on symbols, but I understand that most humans do and I see why these cards might be perfect for people that enjoy symbolism. I did enjoy the thought provoking questions and the quotes and tidbits about the saints that she used in this book and I do recommend this book for people that want to delve in to religious history.

You can get your own copy of The Contemplative Tarot A Christian Guide to the Cards by Brittany Muller on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Contemplative Tarot by Brittany Muller
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I had no idea what I was getting into when I began reading this book. My friend gave me this book to read and I read it to learn the history of tarot. But this book went so much more deep than I expected. Although I don’t intend to add tarot to my life, I have a new understanding of this ritual and a better walk with God. I recommend this book to anyone that wants to know their Creator better.

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

The Monster Inside of Me

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 4, 2024 | About Summer, Poetry

The monster inside of me doesn’t care about what I think
or feel or want to be
I was born with this and I don’t think it cares how old I am
It is part of my genealogy
I see it in ancestors and a few who have come after me

I have tried to get rid of this thing that rages
Unlike a few fractures that stayed a long time, I won’t name it
It is a thorn in my side and I have only learned to control me
not the monster that finds joy in causing pain

I used to break things to satisfy its temper
Hurting people hurt me too much
The feeling of satisfaction made me want to throw up
I learned to limit myself
to remain sober
to make rules so I am always in control

I NEVER feed the monster
I don’t watch fighting, or horror movies or the news
I don’t spent time with people that rely on savagery
I forgive often
I listen to music that makes me happy<

The meds I take help me use my tools
I make better choices
My mind works slower and more efficiently
but I never forget the monster
I have more boundaries for myself than for others

I see people who have their own monster and I pray for them
God leads me away from my danger zones
I know He can help them too
He doesn’t take the monster because it keeps me humble
It helps me remember that I am imperfect
It makes me work hard to love myself

The monster makes it easy to love those that seem unloveable
because I am just like them
Behind my abstinent face with the pleasant smile
I know what I choosing not to do
When the monster is awake
Besides praying it will go back to sleep

There Are Things You Just Do

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 2, 2024 | Opinions, Prayers

I am working on this book that asks me a lot of questions. It makes me think a lot. I can’t just say I am reading this book because I have to think so much. It isn’t anything like what I was expecting. I don’t want to talk about it too much because I will do a book review on it shortly. I should finish the book in a few days. But in the chapter I just finished it was likening our relationship with God as a marriage. Where there are things you just do to keep the relationship going. The relationship is not a summation of hilltop moments but a lot of work for a few special moments.

I read many types of things every day. Part of that is because I am curious about the world. But mainly it is to help my brain focus on now and not the past. It is how I help my OCD brain stay here and now. I tend to go through my email every day. Flipboard sends me emails they think I will be interested in. Sometimes my friends send me articles and YouTube videos they think I will enjoy. I also read my bible. I have a reading plan that my old church followed that they called SOAP that I follow. It has Old and New Testament passages for each day. I don’t follow for the particular day because I didn’t start on the right day and sometimes I let other things get in the way of my bible reading but when I do read my bible, I read in both the Old and New Testaments. I also have a daily devotional I do. Right now I am following one by Bob Goff. I always have a book or two I am working on, as well.

I started reading the bible when I was 6 years old. I just turned 48 on Sunday. I haven’t always been faithful to every day but I have always tried because I was told this is just something you do to know God; it is a good way to focus on Him and hear Him. As a young person I had read a few passages that told me that God was a mystery. I would never understand everything about Him. I clung to those scriptures because, there is a lot in the bible I just don’t understand. There is a lot in the world, I also don’t understand. But I know that God will never leave or forsake me and I am His beloved. Because I know that I can’t see everything the way God sees, I can’t hear what He hears and I don’t know everything He knows, but I know that He loves His children, I have to have faith that He is always working, I can find peace in Him when there is no other peace to be found.

Like in a marriage you don’t see everything that happens. I don’t watch Karen G Clemenson work but I see her come home tired, dirty and hungry. I see her paychecks. I hear the stories she tells me about what happens at work. She doesn’t watch me do the laundry, make her meals, or manage our household, but she thanks me that she has clean clothes to wear, food to eat and there is always an extra box of tissue in the closet or whatever item she needs after she just emptied something out. When those things aren’t there, it is usually because I am sick and we are doing take out and Karen’s laundry might not be so fresh and she might be bringing a few more things home from the store than usual until I get back in the saddle. We both have things we just do to take care of each other every day.

But God doesn’t get sick so when things like war breaks out, which is totally a human thing, we get confused.

What have I learned by reading the Old Testament? Mainly history and history is full of war. Do I understand it. No. I would much rather read the words in red. The new covenant that Jesus created is so much easier to aspire to. Its so easy that we mess it up all the time. But I think that without reading the Old Testament, we can’t really appreciate the real gift of our salvation that Jesus gave us in the New Testament.

But humans require war. Just like they require laws. Not humans that live in the Spirit; but humans that don’t live in the Spirit or don’t know how to do it yet. Because salvation is such an easy concept that it takes some of us a lifetime to really grasp how easy it is to accept the fullness of our salvation and the freedom of law and order. Because if you are loving the Lord God with all your heart, soul and mind and loving your neighbor as yourself, you don’t need any laws to tell you how to live in society. You will be mindful of everyone, compassionate, generous, forgiving, loving and in return they will be the same to you. But as you can tell by turning on the TV, there are many people that don’t understand that, so we need laws and first responders and military to keep people in line.

War makes us afraid. We should be. It has been a long time since we have had a war on our shores. Our government has done a great job making sure we fight wars in other countries. I was watching It’s A Wonderful Life and I realized that we are not as strong as we were during World War II. We, as a nation, rely too much on services and not on each other. We can’t do rubber, tin and paper drives. We don’t want to go without gasoline or any other comforts. We don’t tend to cook meals for each other. Some of us would starve to death without food delivery services. How do I know this? When I get sick, if anyone sends help, it is in the form of a gift certificate. I am not unappreciative but I would love an invitation to someone’s house sometime. I am guilty of this too, though. When you live in a hotel it is hard to cook for others. I don’t have extra dishes I can loan to people. We have one car and Karen has it work all the time. We are so separated.

People in the United States are demonstrating against Israel because Hamas, a terrorist group that has been in power in Palestine for years, uses human shields and so many Palestinian civilians have died in this war that Hamas started in October against Israel. Restaurants in the United States are being boycotted if they are owned by people of Jewish, Muslim, or Mediterranean descent; even though these owners are United States citizens and have no say over what Israel or Palestine are doing. Hezbollah, another terrorist group, that is in power in Lebanon, keeps firing into Israel. US Navy helicopters were forced to kill Houthi rebels, another terrorist group, from Yemen that was attacking our cargo ship in the Red Sea. The purpose of the cargo ship is to keep the water ways open for transport for several countries. All the terrorist groups I mentioned are funded by Iran. Iran is also funding Russia who is trying to overpower Ukraine.

If we were the country we should be we would be aligning with our allies to take down Iran. But we are all dependent on their oil.

So I keep reading the Old Testament. I read and I get ideas about not understanding but relying on God. Knowing that God loves ALL His children: his Jewish, Muslim and Christian children, maybe even the Buddhist and Hindu and every other type of religion children too and I know that He is moving. I know that terrorism is just another form of slavery and God is not for this. These terrorist groups keep the people divided, controlled and impoverished. They do not allow for free will or democracy. They foster fear which can, in many ways, be worse than death.

Its ok to not know or understand everything. Curiosity is what keeps us striving. It is what makes me keep reading the Old Testament, even though there is so much I might never understand. But I understand more than I used to. Most importantly, my faith in God is made stronger because when I know I can’t do it, I know He can, because when I am weak, He is strong. I also know that every life lost, is more important to God than to anyone else. I trust His purpose. That helps me rest in His peace. I know He has His people. There are things He just does and He just never leaves or forsakes His children.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Hope For You

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 30, 2023 | Poetry

To know you are so close
but so far away hurts
but I know you have things to do
and I have got used to the ache
I’ve loved you with all my heart
and taught you to think for yourself

I’d hoped when you were a grown up
we could be friends
That no matter what they said
you would remember who I really am
How I let you define yourself
and how I delighted in you

I am proud of you
I know you are succeeding
Exploring and growing
Even if you are failing and starting over
that’s the best to learn

I will always be available
to hear how you conquered your world
have new dreams and visions
To pray for your courage and strength
The thought of you filling my doorway
makes me catch my breath

I’ll love you always
I hope for you
Because that is what this auntie does

My Soldier & I

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 29, 2023 | About Summer, Art, Poetry, Queer Community

I didn’t move into her camp
She moved into mine
My soldier & I, together
worked hard to make it ours

Doctors & therapists were helpful
to give me a name for all
the things that make me different
I had been asking for help for so long

Medical professionals thanked her for believing me
I guess some people
don’t have a soldier like mine
But I knew that

Whether it was trying new meds
dressing wounds
changing diet & exercise
She never forgets the battle plan

I didn’t leave you because I am queer
I left because I begged for no judgement
& I needed love & peace & compassion
& I finally have it

I have everything I want right here

An Important Letter

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 27, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

I wrote a letter to my biological father and his 2nd wife this week. It took me about 3 days to get every thing written down that I had been holding against them for the last 40 years and answer any question or accusation they made against me in the letter they sent to me on 12/22/2023. It is a terrible letter. It is an important letter.

I sent a copy to my sister, Jamie Holloway, and to my aunt. I had originally planned to send it to his work. Jamie asked me if I was sending it to his boss because I had written the address I was mailing to as his work address and wrote in 3rd person. I told her, no, I just was mailing it there. I wanted him to see it before his 2nd wife. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to humiliate him but I didn’t want to cause a problem with his work. I just didn’t know another way to get it to him without his 2nd wife having the chance to edit it or hide it from him. I have no to reason to trust her at all.

I was reeling and writhing in pain and made a post about it on Facebook. Luckily this gave a wonderful lady the opportunity to remind me why I am referring to him as my biological father or by his first name (not here); because Jesus is my real Father. Jesus wants me to forgive and give Him my pain.

My bio dad wants an apology for what he says are lies…basically he is embarrassed that family members believe my posts. I can’t help him with that. He should have thought more about his actions. I am not a liar. His lies hurt me so much, growing up, that I abhor lying and I am honest to a fault or I am silent…well I am not so silent anymore because that is not good mental health.

I have decided that he doesn’t deserve the letter. It won’t do what I want it to do. He won’t read it and say: Oh wow! I have really done terrible things to my family, I need to repent and do better. He won’t care about me any more than he ever has. He will become defensive and even more angry. In fact the letter will be exactly what he wants me to do, the reason to engage in fighting, which I don’t want to do.

So why is the letter important? Because although I have tried many times to forgive, these things are still hurting me and they replay in my mind, probably because I have OCD and PTSD and these memories and feelings become new when triggered. He might not believe in mental illness, but I don’t have that luxury. Maybe I just haven’t gone deep enough because sin against your family causes layers of things to be forgiven. But that letter is a tool. I need this letter because I can sit with my real Father and work on forgiving with a list in my hand, not because it will help my family but it will set me free.

I can’t save them. I tried. I only have control over me and I have chosen me. That is the gift of free will; it only works on yourself.

Photo Credit: Mailbox PNGs by Vecteezy

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Grandparents Understand

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 27, 2023 | About Summer, Art, Poetry

Nana told me grandparents understand
I had told her I was sad
I had learned late
it was my responsibility to make time
for Grandma Clem

I was baking banana bread
when she came to me
My heart felt warm
and I knew Grandma Clem
was here

She told me she knew her son
She knew what he did
It was ok I hadn’t come
to her funeral
Grandparents understand

No More Letters

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 23, 2023 | About Summer, Art, Poetry

I have been the daughter of a fool
For so long I wanted you
to remember you loved me
to choose me one time

Back when we built things together
and grew things in the dirt
and danced to Thriller and Three Dog Night
Before you dishonored our home
Before you left
Before you broke all your promises
I knew you loved me

When she announced the nuptials
we weren’t invited to
she told me you two were
more important than the rest of us
and you have proven it true many times

The letter you sent me for my birthday
implies you think I want you back
Let me be clear
I am not safe with you and her
I have know this for a long time
And unlike you
I am not a fool

The Birthday Card I Didn’t Want

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 22, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

Today I went to get a package I was expecting and was shocked to get the birthday card I didn’t want. I must have looked as terrible as I felt because Lorie asked if I was ok. I stuttered as I answered her. I can’t say I wasn’t surprised by what was in that purple envelope. I hoped for better but I am always left wanting more. It brought up a lot of memories and emotions.

In February of 2014 I was hospitalized for cellulitis that took over my left leg. From my foot to the top of my thigh it looked like my leg had been dipped in boiling barbecue sauce and swollen to a huge size. Before this I had been fervently going to therapy at a pastor’s home and working on issues I had had all my life and had moved a lot of superficial issues out of the way. This trip to the hospital was big for me. I had never had anyone help me before. I had never been able to trust anyone with myself before.

The week before I went to the hospital, I had a bad flu, following a 24 hour telethon, put on by my nonprofit. I was exhausted and the flu had caused this rash I had been nursing for years to go crazy. I didn’t have health insurance and I had been afraid to go to the doctor. A few days before I went to the hospital my family called the police because I wouldn’t go to the local hospital. They thought I was suicidal. They didn’t know anything about the process they were trying to put me into, that I wouldn’t get medical attention and that I wasn’t suicidal. Police and paramedics showed up to arrest me. I kept my head straight and proved I was not crazy or suicidal and had plans to go to Legacy Salmon Creek on a particular day. The paramedic agreed when they saw that I was trying to eat plain yogurt and broccoli, that was trying to do well by myself. He checked my vitals and agreed I was ok but that my leg was obviously sick and I better do what I promised or they would have to take me in against my will.

This over the top response of my family was out of the ordinary since they usually ignored me but I was used to their attempt at controlling me. My best friend and business partner had shown up. She had experience with people in mental distress and she was quietly explaining what would happen to me if I went with the first responders and they looked remorseful. They just wanted me to get medical attention.

The night before I let Karen G Clemenson take me to the hospital I decided to trust her with every secret I had ever kept about my body because I had no one that I trusted. This trip to the hospital was the hardest and scariest thing I had ever done until this point of my life. While I was in the hospital I had to let people help me. I wasn’t used to that. I wasn’t used to people not being disgusted with my body. I wasn’t used to not having everything blamed on my weight. I was so sick that I don’t remember most of what happened in the 4 days I was there, although I do remember them being shocked that I refused the commode and would drag my sick leg to the toilet, once Karen, who never left my side, helped me get my leg out of bed to go to the bathroom. I even showered daily until the nurses found out and let me know that with my open wounds that wasn’t ok. Because I was so active, I went home 4 days earlier than most people with my same infection.

But something else happened to me during this time of being really sick and needing Karen’s help; I had deep wounds at the top and bottom of my leg that I couldn’t dress and she was the only one that was willing to help me. Something in me broke. The thing that let me think that the way my family treated me was normal. When I got out of the hospital I had to continue to follow up with doctors and get a primary. This was when I started to learn of diagnosis that I had had for a long time, some of them probably most of my life. As the diagnosis piled up I had less and less to give to anyone and I could no longer ignore the mental illness that was plaguing me.

My business partner and best friend had become my wife and I noticed that she flinched and over reacted sometimes. After I had seen any of my family members, besides my nieces and nephews, I would dissociate and often become so depressed that I would forget to eat or take my meds and most of the time, barely got out of bed for days. A phone call could send me over the edge. I realized I needed help. I was being an abuser and I was not taking care of myself.

It took over a year to find the right meds for my mental health. It took longer to find all my diagnosis and the correct amounts of medications. I promised to always take my medications because I know when I don’t, I can become mentally abusive to Karen and she doesn’t deserve that and neither do I.

I have tried to share my diagnosis with my family. They include:

Fibromyalgia
Psoriatic Arthritis
Osteoarthritis
Lymphedema
Hiatal Hernia
Gastrointestinal Reflux Disease
Diabetes
Chronic Migraine (I have scars on my brain that prove I had this since I was a child)
Trigeminal Neuralgia
Endometrial Cancer
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Major Depressive Disorder

My many therapist over the past 9 years have agreed I am an Emotional Neglect and Emotional Abuse Survivor and they all agreed that I needed to separate from my parents. I had hoped it could be temporary but I don’t think that is the case.

There are a lot of reasons that holidays and special occasions are hard for me and I don’t feel the need to go into detail anymore. With the death of both Nana and Grandpa this year, I feel like I need to live up to the standard they set for me. I know that I have thrown a few tantrums as I healed over the years. I needed to get out my feelings and I chose to use my blog to do that. Not really because I wanted to hurt my abusers but because I know that other people can benefit from my process. With the help of medication and therapy I have healed a lot in my brain and in my heart. I have abilities I haven’t had before and although I have the right to write and talk about my life, I don’t need to by immature about it, especially if I am aware of it so my writing has and will continue to change. This is as close to an apology as I am going to come to for what I have written in the past. I am not sorry for sharing what other people did to me.

Learning to live with all these diagnosis, that all but one will be with me for the rest of my life, has been very challenging. Mentally and physically. Sometimes it was near impossible. I lost parts of me. Some I got back and others I decided I didn’t want back. I am not a petty person, a materialistic person or even a person that likes casual things. Never during any of the years that I was suffering and learning how to live with this body that will never get better, did anyone in my family ever ask me if I needed any help or ask me why I did things the way I did. If I didn’t measure up, there was no compassion. Probably because there was no real relationship.

My wife and I have worked hard to live without the help of family (except for a few and they know who they are 🙂 ). To build our credit ratings. To build the life we want and we have made great strides. We needed this time to learn how strong we are. I am proud of us. I don’t need the validation of people that want to judge us.

Last year I mailed back the birthday check a family member sent me. I had called them to tell them about my cancer and they brought up history that, in my mind was none of their business. I did ask them to let me go. I just don’t think we can salvage anything between us. This year I got another card and a check plus a letter telling me I owe them an apology for my blog entries. I won’t be mailing the check back. I won’t spend it either. I still don’t want their money or things. I only want what I ever wanted. I wanted them to want to know me. I wanted them to hear me, see me and want to be part of my life without all the drama.

They broke every promise they ever made to me and I forgive them every time I think about it but PTSD is a bear. Pain is brand new again and again. I am sorry that they missed out on a relationship with me. I am an amazing person.

I have struggled a lot this year. The traditions I enjoy are not available to me as we still live in a hotel. With Grandpa dying only a week ago I am still reeling a bit. This is the first Christmas that is really without Nana and Grandpa… Plus I never use the address here. I have always put our business address on our letters. since this birthday card I received today was addressed to this hotel, it scared me. As a person with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I don’t need a trigger to become anxious, but seeing that address on a card addressed to me and with their name on it, felt like being kicked in the stomach. I felt like someone was spying on me. I felt unprotected. I felt violated.

I won’t be opening any mail from them anymore. I don’t have to let them abuse me anymore. I don’t want to be talked about anymore. I don’t want a relationship with their spouse who is abusive in their own way. I am done. I don’t take this lightly but I have to protect myself.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Nana Really Liked Him

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 19, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

I think I met him when I was about 4 years old. He was a stylish man with black curly hair and my nana really liked him. He had a pretty smile. He was quick on his feet and he liked to play with us. I remember that quiet look of shock as I went through many stages, trying on new personas and mannerisms. I was an awkward kid that was not made for sports or even the great outdoors beyond walking on solid ground but that didn’t stop him from trying to encourage me or walking home with me covered in mud after I failed, without complaint.

“Bill” married Nana when I was about 5 1/2 years old, right about the time that my youngest sibling was born. They were married in Hawaii. Their pictures showed two beautiful people in love. They went there every year. It was their favorite place to visit, full of history and charm, which was perfect for both of them. After they were married, Nana told me I could call him Grandpa Bill. I was very concerned because I had a lot of grandpas, since I still had great-grandfathers alive and I wanted to be able to give him his own name.

When my parent’s marriage failed, Grandpa Bill became the person that came regularly to make sure that heaters and sinks worked. He made sure our house would not be lost to the bank. My grandparents helped to make sure we had what we needed to stay afloat. They would come for games, dance recitals and I would go to stay with them for a week in the summer. That was my favorite. About this time Nana told me I should just call Grandpa Bill, Grandpa. I think she thought he had earned the right to be just Grandpa, I don’t think she understood that it was special to me that he was the only grandpa that I called by his first name, but I could tell it was important to her so I tried hard to stop using his first name, but when I talked about him, I still called him Grandpa Bill, because I still had a lot of grandpas.

Grandpa was raised in Spokane, his parents were a doctor and nurse. He graduated from the University of Washington. He had served in the military, but he never wanted to talk about it, other than to let me know that the only other place, beside Longview that he had experienced rain and sun at the same time was while he was serving in Japan, so I don’t remember what branch he served in. Grandpa was an accountant. He was very intelligent and details were never wasted on him. He loved to read. Every day he read a stack of newspapers, watched the news and would also have a book he was reading. He wore coveralls when he worked and meticulously cleaned his tools after he used them. He was a bit of hoarder, but everything was tidy and had its place. He owned luggage for nearly every other decade but when he went on short stays he preferred to use a shopping bag with handles. Grandpa always thought before he spoke and did not waste words. The last time I saw him, he was having his knee replaced and his pajamas were a little worn. He liked proper pajamas with a button down top and long sleeves and matching bottoms. This was not an easy thing to find, even in Kirkland, but two shopping trips later and we finally found them in JC Penney. Thank God!

Grandpa had been married before he married Nana. He had a son and two daughters and together, he and Nana had 5 children and eventually 9 grandchildren and even more great-grandchildren.

Although this was my grandparent’s second marriage, there was nothing second place about the way that Grandpa loved his family. He didn’t have to love me but we all got 1st rate love and care from him. He was the grandpa that showed up, taught me things and listened, heard and knew me. I think that is why I appreciate his quirks because that is why he didn’t question mine.

I found out my grandpa is in Hospice on Friday December 15, 2023. Not from anyone on his side of my family but from my aunt on the other side of my family that knows that I don’t have contact with them. The next day I got an email from my mother that said that Grandpa had gone to heaven yesterday on his 92nd birthday. I know my grandpa really missed Nana. I know he was probably really suffering and I know he knows Jesus. I didn’t want him to suffer. I wanted him to be home and be in the love of Jesus.

But I also felt so angry. I wanted to do unladylike things. But Grandpa would never want me to do that. Nana worked hard to instill good manners in me. So I prayed and talking to God about my feelings and prayed for my mother who probably feels like an orphan now that both her parents are gone. He was the last of my grandparents to go to heaven for me too.

I always wanted to be seen and heard. I wanted people to ask me questions. That is what I liked about my grandparents. I could have conversations with them about real topics. Nana couldn’t go too deep but Grandpa could. Nana and Grandpa were an exceptional couple; classy, hard-working, educated and well-spoken. They weren’t perfect but they tried hard to be good to everyone and make room for everyone. I hear their voices giving advice in my head all the time. I don’t have time to miss them because they are always with me. If I could say one thing to them it would be: Thank you for seeing and hearing me…not everyone knows how to do that.

As I sit here, I am thankful that I had such amazing grandparents. They still influence me. I don’t care for fads and I dress like my nana in very classic styles. I love a good cup of coffee, not Starbucks, like Nana, but Guse’s or Red Leaf. I love to read, like both my grandparents and although I am not a Republican, they probably have a hand in why I am not a Democrat either. I will never forget talking to them about Trump, when he ran the first time. Nana could not vote for him because of his hair, and Grandpa and I both thought it was a joke and that he would never win…I guess the joke was on us. Grandpa rarely said a bad word about anyone. I am a bit more passionate, like Nana, but more and more, I find my tongue being held and words that sound like his coming out. I like that.

Note: Grandpa was the family photographer. There are very few pictures of him because he didn’t like to be in front of the camera. Thankfully, Karen insisted on taking this picture one day…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

7 Books for December 2023

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 15, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

We have reached the end of 2023 and it seems a good time reflect on my reading goals and what I learned while reading 7 children’s books each month. Children’s books are special. I learned that old children’s books are often nostalgic and teach classic ideas, where new children’s books tend to focus on deeper emotional ideals and broader topics but in a simple way. I have learned a lot but not in a heavy way that made me feel stressed. I think that everyone should read children’s books. I do think I will change my number of books per month but I am not sure what the number will be for 2024 yet. Without much ado, here are my 7 Books for December 2023:

A Walk In the Woods by Nikki Grimes, Jerry Pinkney & Brian Pinkney

A Walk in the Woods by Nikki Grimes
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

A Walk in the Woods is a collaborative effort by Nikki Grimes, Jerry Pinkney and his son Brian Pinkney. It is a story about a son after the death of his father and how he is dealing with it. The father has left a treasure map for a walk in the woods and a surprise that will help to guide his son toward healing.

The son has no name in the story but I imagine this helps any person to relate to the pain that is expressed in the artwork by definite and indefinite lines. In the end, the father encourages his son to keep moving forward and to write his own story. I do think this book is written for a child that is at least 7 or 8 years old but there are elements that any child could related to. This is a beautiful story.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of A Walk In the Woods by Nikki Grimes, Jerry Pinkney & Brian Pinkney on Amazon.

The Song That Called Them Home by David A Robertson

The Song That Called Them Home by David Alexander Robertson
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Lauren and James were on an adventure with their Moshom (grandfather), when he decided to take a nap. As the children became hungry, they decided to go fishing when their escapade took another turn. While they were in their canoe, Memekwesewak, or creatures that live in the water, led them to a place where dancing and singing kept them entranced. Luckily their Moshom knew The Song That Called Them Home on his drum.

This fantastic story by David A. Robertson is full of adventure and devotion to family and the illustrations by Maya McKibbin add to the imagery.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of The Song That Called Them Home by David A Robertson on Amazon.

Jazz Baby by Lisa Wheeler

Jazz Baby by Lisa Wheeler
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This is a fun story that makes you want to get and dance or at least move to the beat right in your seat. Jazz Baby by Lisa Wheeler is a musical dancing book full of moving words and family that share in the story. Even the illustrations by R. Gregory Christie seem to bop and jive with the rhymes.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Jazz Baby by Lisa Wheeler on Amazon.

Jenny Mei Is Sad by Tracy Subisak

Jenny Mei Is Sad by Tracy Subisak
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Jenny Mei Is Sad by Tracy Subisak is a book about two friends — real friends Jenny Mei and her friend have a great relationship because they can feel their real feelings with each other. Jenny Mei’s family is going through a hard time and sometimes Jenny Mei is happy, silly and funny, bu other times she is angry and difficult. On those days she is lucky she has her friend for the not so good times. This is a really special book with touching illustrations.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Jenny Mei Is Sad by Tracy Subisak on Amazon.

Sulwe by Lupita Nyongo

Sulwe by Lupita Nyong’o
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Sulwe’s name means “star” but in her family and even at school, she has the darkest skin. Her sister has skin the color of high noon and people give her pet names like “Sunshine,” “Ray,” and “Beauty.” But Sulwe gets names like “Blackie,” Darky,” and “Night.” Sulwe tries anything she can think of to fit in but nothing works. Her mom tells her that her beauty must come fro her heart and her mind. But it isn’t until she has a fantastic dream that she understands that both light and dark accent each other. This is when she understands that her beauty is both inside and outside herself.

This is a beautiful book and even if your skin isn’t dark, you can understand having differences from others. The message that beauty is on the inside is important for everyone. The illustrations are as magical as the wonderful story.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Sulwe by Lupita Nyongo on Amazon.

Coming Home by Michael Morpurgo

Coming Home by Michael Morpurgo
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I read Coming Home by Michael Morpurgo to my cat and he wandered away half-way through. I think it is because the transitions in this adventure were really not there. I want to like this book, and there are parts I do enjoy, especially the enchanting illustrations by Kerry Hyndman, which probably really helped me stay connected. This book droned on too long and I thought it was way too wordy for a birds’ flight home for Christmas. I don’t think a small child would be able to sit through this story.

I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Coming Home by Michael Morpurgo on Amazon.

Giant Pants by Mark Fearing

Giant Pants by Mark Fearing
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Giant Pants by Mark Fearing is an adorable story about a giant loses his only pair of pants and then he loses his temper and then how he choses to deal with his problem. Both the story and the illustrations are sure to make you laugh at any age and even offer great conversation starters, as well. I highly recommend this story.

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I got this book from the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Giant Pants by Mark Fearing on Amazon.

I really enjoyed my picks for December. I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday season and I also hope that you find time to read whatever books make you happy. Be blessed!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

The Icon

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 1, 2023 | Opinions, Poetry

I breathe in because I am human
I say your name because you are human too
I have lived the life of a performer
The lights
the bystanders
the costumes and makeup
They cost too much

I don’t keep my secrets anymore
They are too heavy
I want my yes to be yes
and my no to be no
I need yours to be as close as possible to that too
I don’t want to watch you perform and be worshipped
Your smile shines brightest over coffee
and honesty
and confidence
and God diffusing His knowledge in every place

I have been labeled uptown
I have made peace with that
but I am not hoity toity
I do like elegant things and my style is timeless
I like to present a clean and honest face
The same face
to everyone
That is hard sometimes but I try
If you feel judgement
it is probably me judging me
and then my prayers that God bless us both

You have let me see a little
of you without your costume on
That is the side I like best
and I am literally not talking about
a selfy with no makeup on
I know I am asking a lot
But I don’t trust performers

Please stop inviting me to your shows
until you can at least call me back

Reference: Matthew 5:36; 2 Corinthians 2:14

Book Review: Take My Hand by Dolen Perkins-Valdez

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 30, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

Take My Hand by Dolen Perkins-Valdez takes place in 1973 at the beginning of Civil Townsend’s career and in 2016 at the end of her career. Her voice is the narrator as she tells the story to her adopted daughter, Anne, as to why she did things the way she did throughout her life.

Civil, the Black daughter of the town’s daughter, began her first job as a nurse at the Montgomery Family Planning Center, in Montgomery, Alabama, believing it was important for people to have the ability to make choices about their sexual health. But at this federally funded health center that mainly served Black women and girls, she soon found out that many times patients were not being fully told what was happening to them and many people were being given medications that were not FDA approved. This included Civil’s first clients, 13 year old Erica and 11 year old India, sisters that Civil’s white boss had decided it was imperative they did not become pregnant, although there was no sign they were sexually active and India had not even begun menstruating. As Civil got to know these girls, she learned to love them and she did everything she could to help their family have a better life, including removing the girls from the Depo Provera shots that Civil had learned had caused cancer in animals. Soon her boss had misled the girls’ illiterate father and grandmother to sign papers to have the girls sterilized.

What happened to the girls was the worst pain in Civil’s life. What began as a case against the Montgomery Family Planning Center became a nation-wide case against the Federal Government as it was found that Hispanic women in California were being sterilized without their knowledge or consent. Women in North Carolina were going in for c-sections and also having their uteruses removed without consent. Mexican and Black women in Georgia were not getting needed medical care until they gave consent for sterilization.

This book is based loosely on the true case of Reif v. Weinberger. In June 1973, Minnie Lee and Mary Alice Reif, sisters aged 12 and 14, were sterilized without consent in Montgomery, Alabama. Take My Hand was awarded the 2023 NAACP Image Award of Literary Work-Fiction and BCALA Fiction Award.

I literally could not put this book down. It was well written and thoughtfully put together to include information about the Tuskegee Syphilis Study where between 1932 to 1943 Black men were infected with syphilis and studied to see what would happen to them. When penicillin was found to be the treatment for syphilis in 1943, it was not offered to these men and they were allowed to suffer and die. This story broke in 1972 by the Associated Press.

I think this story is important because it showcases the importance for all people to have the right to choose the right birth control for themselves and medical care for their body and to have all the proper information communicated to them whether they can read or not. We have come a long way and these stories of people that paid the price for our medical freedom are important for us to be thankful and continue to fight for complete medical freedom regardless of another person’s religious or personal beliefs. We are all individuals.

I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway. You can get your own copy of Take My Hand by Dolen Perkins-Valdez on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

Take My Hand by Dolen Perkins-Valdez
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Amazing fiction story based on real life events. Dolen Perkins-Valdez had me turning pages almost faster than I could read them. This heart gripping story must be read.

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Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Book Review: The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 29, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions

The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd is a very special book and I am glad I read it. I had seen the movie before and I really enjoyed it but, as always I enjoyed the book more. This amazing story, mainly takes place in the summer of 1964 when Lily Owen turns 14 years old. She is girl that is being raised by an emotionally neglectful and sometimes physically abusive father, whom she calls T Ray because he was never the Daddy-type. Her only memory of her mother is when she was 4-years-old, on the day she died, December 3, 1954. She remembers her mother quickly throwing things into a suitcase. She remembers the sound of her father’s boots as he came in the room. She remembers hearing them yell at each other. She remembers her mother getting the gun out of the closet. She remembers her father taking it from her and swinging it around. She also remembers picking up the gun when it fell to the floor and it going off. It was an accident.

After finding a bag with her mother’s things in the attic and a picture with the name Tiburon, South Carolina on the back, Lily decides she needs to go there. When her only known friend and caregiver Roseleen finds herself in jail for defending herself from the white men that didn’t like her getting any ideas about her registering to vote, even though the civil rights laws had passed allowing her to vote. Lily breaks her out of the hospital after the police allow those same men to try to get an apology out of her after she was arrested and Lily and Roseleen hitchhike the two hours from Sylvan, South Carolina to find out why Tiburon was important to Lily’s mom, Deborah.

When they find the Black Madonna Honey Company and meet three sisters: August, June and May their lives are forever changed in every way. Not only are these three women beekeepers, but August was a Nanny for Deborah when she was girl.

This amazing book is about bees, coming of age, child abuse, family, civil rights, mental health, strength, forgiveness, honesty and love and everything between. I recommend it to you and I know I will read it again.

I got this book from my sister, Jamie Holloway. You can get your own copy of The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd on Amazon.

Read My Review on GoodReads:

The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Set in 1964 this coming of age novel is both heart-wrenching and moving, warming and eye-opening. I plan to keep this book as part of my collection to re-read because the characters are raw, authentic and amazing. Sue Monk Kid did an amazing job of realizing the beauty of the importance of this deep story set in several generation and emanating out of a time of change in a girl, a family and a nation.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

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A Walk In the Woods by Nikki Grimes, Jerry Pinkney & Brian Pinkney

The Song That Called Them Home by David A Robertson

Jazz Baby by Lisa Wheeler

Jenny Mei Is Sad by Tracy Subisak

Sulwe by Lupita Nyongo

Coming Home by Michael Morpurgo

Giant Pants by Mark Fearing

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