Being Brave For Myself

I have always had to be brave
I wasn’t allowed to be
my authentic
messy
dysregulated
human self
You assumed you knew me
that I was just like you

~

If it had been safe to be myself
I would ask you about your day
your dreams
why you prefer to be alone
or
at least without me
But you don’t know me
just as much as I don’t know you

~

Since we can never talk about my wounds
They weren’t self-inflicted
while you told me about yours over and over
I’m not fixated on my scars
They just still hurt
and you have a way of reminding me
of the ones I tucked away

~

I have always made excuses for you
but I see that hasn’t helped either of us
You said you loved me
But you called me names
You ignored me
You took joy in humiliating me
Telling my stories to anyone that would listen

~

I will never get it back from you
the way I give it
because you don’t love the way I do
I know trust is lost between us
and so is relationship
That is why I am always afraid
when you walk through the door
I never know which one of you is coming

~

I gave you one more chance
to acknowledge your abuse
but you refused
sealing it with the stink of gaslighting
You are always so afraid
The reason I had to be brave

~

I understand your shortcomings
but I am done making excuses
I deserve to feel accepted
and you can’t communicate
that to me
I have learned to love myself
to create and keep boundaries

~

Now I am at peace with being brave for myself

~

~

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