My arms and torso and legs are covered in yellow
not my happy yellow but the one with a bit of brown mixed in
that makes me sad to look at
It is heavy and thick like wet cement
and made worse by the valentines I can’t swallow
~
If I could have a baby
the one I have always wanted
I would paint their room a rainbow
including yellow with a hint of lavender
my favorite color
But it wouldn’t be the color that would make me smile
~
How would you know
You have never had a child
These are mean words that cut deeper than the curette
used to cut away at the cancer cells inside my uterus
The bleeding and cramping will heal after the medical procedure
but I will be forgiving for a much longer time
~
I told them to go away and then I made them do it
because I was tired of feeling rejected
unloved
I told them what I needed
But after the compassion was handed out to everyone else
There was never enough for me
~
I want to be green and lush
Cool and clean
but my memories keep me awake and steal my smiles
I feel so alone even though You are with me
Why can’t I let this sadness go
~
Radiation treatment is the next trauma
I don’t know what color I will be then
but I know You will be carrying me
when I can’t move on my own
~
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