Medical Issues

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 2, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life

My surgery went well last week. I will see my oncologist on Tuesday and I believe I will hear good news at my post-op appointment. But during this time I have been suffering with a bad specialist of another kind. I have sent numerous messages and Karen has called many times. From the very first time I met him, I have felt confused and that confusion has become bigger and turned into all out feelings of neglect. To have such success on one side of my medical issues and such failure on another has left me exhausted to the extreme.

I sought out the help of a neurologist to help me with the pain in my head that was making self-care and speaking difficult. There are times, I can barely speak and drinking water or chewing, flossing or brushing my teeth excruciating. I was told by my doctor that if these symptoms were to return I would only have to email and he would fill the prescription I need to help me get back into remission but he did not follow through with his word, regardless of my many attempts, even telling him the name of the medication that was previously prescribed by the ER doctor who helped me. He does not respond. The only response I ever get back is an apologetic medical assistant.

He asked me to journal my pain and what I do, which I did. This makes me depressed. I don’t like to focus on the same thing all the time, that leads to the same thing, that is not helpful. This is the same reason my primary does not have me check my blood sugar, because it makes me stressed out and makes it worse, and when I don’t check my blood sugar, my sugars are better controlled and at almost pre-diabetic range. I journaled anyway. I shared with him the information that although I took the meds the way he told me to and I drank a gallon of fluid a day, the pain was getting worse and the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain was coming back…and he wished me well on my surgery and thanked me for the update.

Meanwhile my beloved, sister, Jamie is getting ready for another procedure to see how much damage has been done to her lungs and if it can be repaired and I feel so helpless. I am so thankful for her other friends that can help her. I am so thankful and even jealous of her amazing team of doctors that communicate so well for her good. I want that.<

I deserve that so I have decided to fire my neurologist before my next appointment. Even though I haven’t been told my results from the MRI on my brain. Any doctor can tell me about that. Jamie suggested that I see this doctor face to face and tell him he failed but I just can’t afford to pay to see him again. We are still working on paperwork for assistance and I feel like I am drowning in doctor bills and I won’t pay to see this man again, who cares so little for me and so much for his ego.

I sent the following message to him tonight:

Dr *****,
I have thought about it and I need to make a change in our relationship. On our first consult you put down all my other doctors. You also lied: you told me sinus headaches are not real, but you gave me a magazine about migraines that said they were a type of headache. You also told me if I had any Trigeminal Neuralgia symptoms to email you and you would prescribe the medication I need. That also did not happen. You don’t even read my messages, while my other doctors do. It costs me 5% of my monthly income to see you. I need a bigger return from you to allow you to remain such a large part of my budget. I understand you probably have many clients with similar issues, if you took even a moment to say, “this is to be expected,” or something to let me know that I am on the right track, it would have helped me so much but as it is, you don’t encourage or educate me.

My friend suggested that I face you and tell you that you had failed me but I have decided that I don’t need to pay to see you again. Please refer me to one of your colleagues. Thank you….

I am going to find the doctors that want to help me be better. I plan to call and cancel my appointment on the 22nd on Monday and see about getting connected with another neurologist.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Until we stop choosing trauma, we can’t know peace.

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 22, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life

My surgery is tomorrow. I have spent today doing laundry, drinking water, updating my blog with posts I wrote in October but didn’t post and trying not to think about my surgery tomorrow. The last time I went through this I didn’t know what to expect and it was kind of nice to just go with the flow. One good thing is that they are allowing Karen to wait with me in the prep area and she will be in the room directly after I come out of recovery. That will be nice. I am not a person who naps or relaxes so it will be nice to have her there to visit with me and make me laugh. They will probably appreciate me not trying to run away too…

But I am scared. Not just from the pain and bleeding following the surgery but the unrelated but even more painful nerve issues that arose in my face following surgery that seem to be arising before surgery now. One good thing, this time I have a neurologist and I have already contacted him via email and his assistant assured me that she has sent my message and details to him for evaluation. I don’t see him until the end of April but I am already seeing some scary changes since the 13th of March. I know that stress can make migraines worse and that is probably what this is, except for the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain that is making it hard to chew or floss my teeth.

When I was single I said I would never treat cancer. I would just let it take me. I had no reason to fight it. But now that I know what a healthy love is, that makes me want to be better not just for me but for Karen and our future and the children we are building our future for, I have to fight this. So as scared as I am. I am choosing to be brave and you know what? I know I am not here by myself. I feel a light holding me. The same one that has taught me, and saved me and protected me when there was no one there who could.

I have had Jeremiah 29:11 on my wall for weeks. It fell off a few days ago and I can’t find it but I have memorized the main idea of it? God said: I know the thoughts I think about you. They are of peace, not of evil. I want to give you a future and a hope.

If God wants to give me hope, He probably wants me to seek hope. I went deeper with my therapist yesterday about some family members who will never be satisfied with what they have. It makes me sad. All I ever wanted was time and relationship. I see money and things as tools to take care of people. I am glad they are comfortable and I pray they are satisfied someday. Hope is what I hope they find.

The world doesn’t offer much hope. We turn on the TV and there is violence, sex, drugs, anger. We are so desensitized to it, we don’t even realize we are drawn to it, even in all our good intentions. Our bodies and minds are frail and it is easy to become sick there too. Hope is the key. Hope is where we find abundance and joy, kindness, goodness and the very Spirit of God.

I hope the next time you think about watching a reality show that you think about how much production goes into that “Reality Show” so it will be compelling enough for you to want to watch it because trauma sells…and maybe choose hope. Find a show that teaches you something…or turn the boob tube off all together and read a book or play a game. Until we stop choosing trauma, we can’t know peace.

Be well.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Can’t Get Away from My Abusers

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 18, 2022 | Life

More nightmares last night. I can’t get away from my abusers no matter what I do. But I am not without empathy towards them and maybe that is part of it. I see that they are worthy of love.

Trauma is passed down from generation to generation and hopefully each generation heals a little bit or a lot and breaks those curses or gets help with mental health issues. I have to get better. I could just close my eyes and keep going but I chose to look at mine because I want to be a foster parent and even though I may not be able to empathize with every type of abuse, I want to be able to promise that the children I am entrusted with have a foster mom that is as strong and healed as she can be at the moment and I know how to stand with them or cry with them or just sit and hold their hand while they process their pain because I have done it.

I wish I knew how to let go of the pain. It keeps coming back. My abusers are not bad people they have been hurt, some have mental health issues and chronic illness which makes their life harder. I am not without empathy but I cannot be the scapegoat anymore. I refuse to be judged, rejected and unknown by people that are supposed to know me best.

Here is a truth that young people might be able to grasp. I don’t follow a lot of pop culture but I have heard bits and pieces about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s divorce to know that his mental health issues have kept her diligent, even after their divorce was finalized. This man abuses her even beyond their marriage yet he has also donated money to feed people he has never met. This shows me the he too, is not without merit, and this is probably the part of him that Kim fell in love with…

I wish I knew how to just set the pain down. I sometimes wish I could just pick up the phone and call some of them but that doesn’t work out for me…ever. The love I have is real but I guess I will just have to keep praying for them and hopefully I will finally be ready for the realization of healing God has already given me.

Be blessed.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Growing up

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 14, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life

I hear a child having a meltdown in the hallway and I want to cry with her. Children should never have to live in a hotel. It is not fun living in a hotel. At all… As thankful as I am that we have survived here over 2 years, spending every penny we have to get by, and try to establish credit, and fix our credit, and wait on programs that promised to help us, and did but had barriers that stopped us from our goal of normalcy, of freedom, of doing more than surviving, but having space to move and create, and be able to invite people over…I guess that was the upside of this pandemic. We weren’t supposed to do invite people over so we learned how to Zoom…

I look forward to playing a board game with someone. Karen doesn’t have the attention span for that…I look forward to having a kitchen that isn’t also my desk or the bathroom counter. I look forward to having my yarn at my fingertips to make whatever… I want a patio or yard to grow tomatoes for Karen and strawberries for me. I would love a workspace that doubled as a guest room but I could work at a dining room table…I miss having a table! I miss my balance ball!!! I miss a couch to cuddle with My Love while we watch movies and eat popcorn I made not in the microwave….

I have an amazing blessed life. There are people that have so much less than I do and even people with so much more who are miserable. I know God has carried us and taught us much during our almost 8 years of marriage. I know we are getting closer. Today we got a number we have been waiting a few years for…this number should be a huge blessing and this time we are ready for it. We have grown so much that this time we know we won’t blow it. We have blown it a few times before. Bad habits and bad mental health can really take you bad places but we are prepared and have an action plan.

The big picture seems like it is coming into focus and for that I am thankful. You can’t even imagine!!!!!

I posted about flashbacks last week. Flashbacks aren’t just thoughts, they are all the feelings too. It’s almost like you are there again. On top of that, I had no time to deal with myself because I had to be in Vancouver for an MRI. We did stop at Jamie’s to give her her birthday present early which did help me feel more grounded.

The MRI was supposed to be an open one because I am claustrophobic but when I got there, I found we had missed their calls to reschedule so they squeezed me into a regular MRI, literally. It was terrifying.

They handed me a ball I could squeeze if I needed them to stop but the mindful part of me knew that would only mean they would have to start over so I focused as much as I could on my breathing in order to not hyperventilate. As I got better I was able to practice pursed lip breathing which is very helpful. I had my eyes closed because when I opened them my heart would race because I felt like I was in a coffin. After awhile I started seeing flower shapes. It may have been my imagination but maybe it was God helping me. They keep the room freezing, it is supposed to be helpful but when you have arthritis it is just painful. Halfway through, I hurt from head to toe.

When it was over I was so ready to leave! Karen brought me home and I went to bed. We agreed I had not advocated very well for myself in scheduling a mammogram for the next day so Karen called that morning and rescheduled for a few weeks after my next surgery…which is coming up soon.

I shared my flashbacks with my therapist. She agreed that we should talk in more detail about this family member and their actions and what I want to do with these memories. I talk with her again in a week and a half. I don’t have this family member in my life anymore. I know they have their own trauma experiences and issues. I am not angry anymore but I don’t trust them and I don’t feel safe around them, emotionally, so relationship is not an option, even though they have made it clear they don’t want a relationship. I need the memories to not have power anymore.

These memories are potentially fatal if I had not got away. I visualized that I had been brave enough to face them and realized 1 of 2 things would have happened: 1) they would have potentially killed me or 2) they would have broken. I didn’t let them catch me any of the times they threatened me and they calmed down and we went on with life. Our parents did not have the tools to change the situation. Because they didn’t catch me we don’t know what would’ve happened. If they would have been broken their behavior may have become worse in other ways; because they cannot kill me now the only part of me that can die is the part of me that is scared of them and I might as well work on a few other people I am scared of that I don’t have relationship with anymore, at this time, as well.

I have had a lot of fear in my life. I think I am ready to let some of it go because I am also very brave, in spite of my fears.

Like this surgery coming up… I didn’t know what to expect before. Ignorance was bliss. But I am no longer ignorant. I am a little scared. I don’t like pain. This winter has been hard and emotionally I feel raw and unprepared for much of anything.

I am being really honest here but I also know that my wife really loves me in a way that makes me feel heard and respected and there are people that pray for me that I don’t even know and God is good always and He has given me dreams to strive for and I will keep trying.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

We Are Not Alone

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 8, 2022 | Life

Karen came in all hot today because Russell Wilson got traded to the Broncos. I do have some empathy for her but I know Russell and his wife are believers and good business people and they will probably come out even better because of this change…

My heart is heavy for Ukrainians. So I said, “It could be worse. We could be in Ukraine.” Bless her, she tried to follow. She didn’t want to go to such a deep topic. She fell asleep last night during Colbert…

Anderson Cooper was over there sharing stories he has heard and experienced and I have been praying ever since. Every day the men take their women and children and put them on trains to get them out of the war. This division of families tears at my heart, yet it warms it too because this sacrifice is love too. Women carry their sick children on trains because hospitals have run out of life-saving medicine. In Russia you will go to jail if you say there is a war going on…in fact it took two goons to carry away an 80 year old woman carrying a sign.

No, I am not worried about Russell Wilson. He knows and shares love freely. I am concerned about people who need love, now, more than ever. Not just people in war zones, but people that feel they have to let guns do the talking, people who think they are more important than anyone else…people who lie and hurt others because they have been lied to and hurt. If you are one of these people, you are important. There is healing available through therapy and, if you believe, a relationship with God…you don’t have to keep hurting yourself and others.

You are not alone. I will pray for you too, if you want…just send me a private message. God bless you.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Happy 57th Birthday Karen

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 7, 2022 | Life

Today is Karen’s birthday! She is 57 years old and even though that is just a number I am so thankful for that number. Her life means so much to me because she is a light and joy in mine. Happy birthday My Love.

I often think about how important life is and unimportant we treat it sometimes. We drive too fast and recklessly, to what end? To save a few seconds on our way and stress other drivers and pedestrians out and possibly hurt children, pets, elderly and disabled people who cannot or don’t know to watch out… Some of us abuse the emergency room instead of getting a primary doctor to help us with our medical issues before they require a hospital visit. Some of resort to violence when understanding and good communication could take us much farther. Many of us find more value in money and things than actual people. This makes my heart feel so heavy.

Life is so important. People are so important. You are vital to someone’s existence, even if they forgot to tell you. I encourage you to put as much love in your tasks as you can. Love the people around you. Talk to them. If you are too angry, take a walk or a nap and try again. Words are nothing without actions. Love is a verb. If we stop choosing anger and start choosing growth, honesty, communication and love we will be so much happier.

I love you Karen! You have shown me things I have been trying to learn all my life. I love sharing life with you!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Food for Thought

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 3, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I realized today that some of my depression is that I miss enjoying food. I miss coffee made in a French Press with cream. I miss green tea with honey. I miss avocado with a little Himalayan Sea Salt. I have a strong sense of smell and a good palate…enter cancer meds…I have danced through GERD, giving up many of my favorite foods over the years, or at least minimizing how I have them but these cancer meds leave a bad taste in my mouth always…

Now if I am eating or drinking anything that doesn’t have a clean flavor, it tastes disgusting. Like Stash Tea…which all restaurants serve. It is cheap. I understand why they choose to serve it but my peppermint tea tasted like an ash tray today… I am an ex-smoker (16 years free) so I have some actual experience here. I had a feeling I should have brought my own…Rude. Yes…but only my server would know…

Karen really wanted to celebrate her birthday today. We have not eaten out in a restaurant since before COVID-19. Seriously. This was big. We chose the restaurant we went to based on a post on Facebook. We had been there before. I always hope more for them but everyone else seems to think they are great…I guess because I am a pretty good cook, and I watch the Food Network a lot, my standards are a bit higher than I tend to find in Longview. When it comes down to it, I don’t want to travel out of town to get a healthy meal in a beautiful setting…

I wasn’t impressed with the out-dated decor and I wasn’t impressed with the lack of uniforms on servers but I was impressed with the cleanliness and the friendliness of the servers…that made up for the lack of ambiance…almost. I ordered a fish meal that I am positive was frozen and reheated which left me bloated and a little disheartened but the post that got me there-the cake…which was great!

The reason I won’t go back is that the owner was bad-mouthing another local restaurant while standing in the middle of the dining room…not while they were in their office or break room…Not cool. I miss some of the old social expectations of knowing when and where to air your laundry.

This restaurant won’t miss me. I have only been there about 4 times. Their website is terrible and ordering online is only going to work if you have their menu memorized because they have no descriptions listed. They are obviously not marketing to me. That’s ok.

The best part of my experience is the way the sunlight lit up My Love’s face in the restaurant. Our spot near the window was wonderful and the clouds changed so much while we were there; they gave us quite a show! Karen really enjoyed her pasta dish and I am so glad we had some time to laugh in a new place. When we left, there was a 20-something couple that took turns holding the doors for us. I guess we are old but there are benefits to not dying so we can live another day and keep moving forward.

Veda is still here but I tried harder today. I did part of my workout until my abdomen started to hurt. I paid the bills and ordered what we needed for the month. I met with my psychiatrist and we agreed to increase one of my meds a little bit. I had to wrap my leg today instead of wearing compression hose because of the size of my leg but I walked more today and then I stayed in bed to keep my leg up so maybe I will have more success tomorrow. We shall see.

We also found a movie that Karen loved!!!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Veda is Here

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 2, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I am so blessed to have everything I need. I don’t tend to go into detail when I am depressed but Veda has been here 3 days. I named her that. I can already imagine the conversation with my psychiatrist tomorrow: No. I don’t think I need more meds. I think I can name several natural triggers for my feelings and mood…

1. There is war going on. I can feel it.
2. I have cancer. The meds make me super tired. They have also affected my taste buds. So far I cannot stand cheese and avocado… These meds have also made my stomach much more sensitive than usual and I also cannot have coffee or caffeine at all…
3. In the next 3 weeks I have an MRI on my brain, mammogram and follow up surgery scheduled…
4. One of the meds I take for migraine causes swelling so no matter what I do, the lymphedema in my left leg is somewhat out of control… I went 2 days without a headache this week for the first time in forever but being swollen is painful and unattractive…
5. Being swollen no matter what has made it easy to skip exercising…Not exercising is never good for me…
6. I have friends going through personal things and I know they will be ok but I still worry…
7. Nightmares have started again…the horror movie kind…

I know you probably have a lot to pray about already…we live in the same stressed out world…But if you want to add me to your list, I am grateful.

On a positive note… I got another doctor bill in the mail today. I had a knot in my gut knowing I had $7 left in my budget after bills and groceries… God is very good though, that doctor bill is only $4! Praise God!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Empathy is Good, Judgement is Not

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 28, 2022 | Life

I was harassed recently by a “friend” of a friend who is having a hard time and I really had some things I wanted to say in response to their messages…empathy is good, judgement is not…

I am such a lucky woman! I do have trials but I am able to see patterns and make decisions. I know many people with mental health issues at varying levels. Some, like me, were able to see they were making bad choices without hurting themselves or others too badly that they required intervention before they got help, and some struggle much more. I still have bad days. I still have to forgive myself and ask forgiveness but it happens almost as quickly as the behavior is seen; most of the time I can tell when I am off and I warn people around me so they know if I snap at them, it probably has nothing to do with them. Lucky for me, violence is not part of my makeup.

I have empathy for people who struggle. I have enough of my own experiences to know some of their pain. It isn’t fun to live with a brain that lies to you. If that person has chronic physical illness, I also can empathize with that. It isn’t fun to live in a body that looks fine but isn’t. I also understand that mental and physical illness can trigger each other and that is challenging too.

Pity is not something I do. I looked it up and although it is just sorrow for other’s experiences it seems bigger than that for me. There seems to be some ownership there too. Pity was not something I was shown much of…or compassion or patience. I have and am still learning these things but I was born with the ability to empathize. When I see someone hurting I feel sorrow for their children and loved ones. I feel a need to remind them to make good choices but most of all I try to acknowledge what I see that is good because I know their brain is lying to them and I know they are being criticized by someone already and I always remind them that I love them. My comments do not contain words of pity. Struggle is part of life and we each have to build the life we want. Sometimes it takes some people much longer to learn that than others.

I have had a successful weekend. On Friday I made a great soup with black beans, veggies and beef. On Saturday I got my COVID-19 booster and Karen and I walked around…she got her birthday present early since she dropped the French Press while washing it. Yesterday I made applesauce and tuna salad for lunches. I drank at least 1 gallon of water or unsweetened herb tea every day, per my neurologist. I really slept in today…I will probably do a load of laundry…it is good to have goals. Wellness is a lifestyle you should never stop working on. Enjoy your day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Mourning and Learning

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 15, 2022 | Life

Mourning and learning are hard. I have struggled in my head this week. It is real but not something I can put on a shelf. But I have communicated some boundaries I need. I have told doctors what I needed from them. I have told my wife I need time with just her (I look forward to Thursday). I gave myself permission to change my workout because I am bored with it. I even let myself be honest with my therapist today and let myself cry and be more expressive than usual. I am trying.
My current therapist, and many before her, agree that I am an emotional neglect survivor. The last few sessions I have let it slip that I wonder if I might be on the neurodivergent spectrum…it does run in the Clemenson side of my family. She told me the she does not diagnose this but it might help me understand myself if I had an answer. She also said I explained several things about myself today that could be markers. She also said that there are similar symptoms for emotional neglect survivors, but I could very well have both.

I appreciate her listening and affirmation. When my doctor bills are caught up I will talk about autism with my primary. If this is something I can research maybe someday I won’t feel so invisible. Maybe there are tools I can learn so I don’t feel so uncomfortable in groups, and lights and sounds.

My therapist asked me why, when I referred to my parents, that I say, I wasn’t an easy kid for them. I told her I asked questions all the time. If I wasn’t satisfied with their answer, I kept asking…until I stopped altogether…I was highly sensitive and a deep thinker. Nothing was easy with me. There is nothing casual about me. I am not wired that way. I was ready to leave way before anyone else was and often found corners to hide in. It was probably just easier to leave me alone. My sisters were easier. At least that is how it looked to me and my parents took them more places while I stayed home.

I have a wonderful family. They are smart, generous, kind, creative and hard working but they just aren’t wonderful towards me, for individual and collective reasons which have nothing to do with their love for me. That is what dysfunction looks like. When I see sappy posts about loving families it is like a punch in the gut because although I have a few extended family members and some adopted family members, it is so much harder and painful to mourn family that is still alive but not available. The tears today were for them.

I am trying to learn about me. It is a process. I think I will take a walk…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Happy Valentines Day 2022

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 14, 2022 | Life

Karen G Clemenson and I don’t do Valentines Day…there is never a day that goes by that we don’t tell or show each other that we love each other and appreciate each other so we don’t need a commercialized day to celebrate it…if we get to foster/adopt we will soften our viewpoint for their sake…but if we had a Valentine it might look like our gorgeous kitty sleeping on a pile of our blankets like a little angel.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Respect is Key

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 10, 2022 | Opinions

Love is important but respect is key.

Karen and I had a rare moment where we weren’t exhausted or didn’t have to be somewhere. We were enjoying that moment by having a nice talk. I told her I thought love was fickle. To me, respect was most important. I give every person a certain level of respect, as a human, but respect is a two way street and must be earned. I think I respect Karen the most out of everyone I have met (besides Jesus).

Karen is a magnificent person who has the ability to let each person be themself without losing herself. It may appear that she might be a pushover but she is actually very measured and in more control of situations than expected. She is honorable, loyal and wise. She has helped teach me how you can’t have true love without respect. She is not perfect but she will admit that too…and she is working on herself all the time which I totally respect as well.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Tired but Hopeful

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 8, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I am so tired but hopeful. Karen and I are working on getting the doctor bills paid and applying for assistance. This lifts a little of the burden off our shoulders. For some reason prescription costs are covered less by insurance one year and more the next, and we are in the year of more coverage so that is encouraging too.

I had to get up super early to be at PeaceHealth St John at 7:45 am…I am a night person so this is no small thing but I did it. Despite being careful about my food choices my stomach is regularly blowing up so sleep was nearly impossible last night. I mentioned that to my rheumatologist and she suggested I see an immunologist to help me with this. I thanked her and told her that like the suggestion of seeing an ENT that my neurologist gave me, this would have to wait until I am caught up on my bills with PeaceHealth and Legacy. She totally understood.

With that in mind, I was glad she was able to use the imaging from my abdomen to look at my spine, where my pain is the worst. We found that I am suffering with bone spurs and osteoarthritis. It isn’t PsA because Psoriatic Arthritis would create a bridge on the bones. She said this is where people tend to get arthritis first. Since I cannot take OTC meds and I am not interested in narcotics, all I can do is continue with my workouts and weight loss.

She was able to see recent labs from other doctors, instead of ordering new ones and costing me more money, to see my kidneys and liver are doing well. This is good because methotrexate can cause damage to these organs but it is obviously keeping PsA under control for me. She told me we cannot talk about changing meds right now because there is not a treatment that won’t impede my cancer treatment...so no changes…

When I got home I told Jamie about my tummy troubles and she reminded me that the cancer meds might be causing my problems. I am thinking about ways to change my eating. We had roasted vegetables and shared a grass fed steak last night. Maybe I need to eat heavier meals on Karen’s days off when we can have them for lunch instead of closer to bedtime. I made soup for tonight. We do eat a lot of soups and usually I don’t have a problem so it must be easier for me to digest.

My neurologist put me on a different pill before bed to help me sleep that isn’t addictive that works better than the one my psychiatrist has me on, which is addictive. The hard part is since my body is fighting cancer it wants two naps a day, yet when I allow that, I have trouble sleeping when Karen does… I am always a bit sleepy but my evenings are harder. I am trying to adjust. I am very thankful to find a solution for sleeping at night! This is wonderful! I have always had trouble sleeping at night.

I saw my eye doctor last week. I think Dr Tack has retired. I missed him. I honestly don’t remember my new doctor’s name but she is great. I don’t remember ever having my eyes dilated before…which only means if I had it done, my brain chose to forget it…wow! That was painful! However I learned that diabetes has not caused any damage to my eyes at all. The images of eyes are beautiful. I do need progressive lenses, which doesn’t shock me because I really struggle looking at things close up; especially reading…but otherwise my vision is really good.

The last month or so has been a time of collecting information about my health so I can fine tune my wellness plan. I have had quite a bit of suffering this winter but I am not a quitter. I may need to go slow. I may need to rest a lot but I am always trying to be better.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

God does

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 5, 2022 | Life

When I don’t have enough faith God does. Been contemplating a lot. Not a lot I want to share with anyone but God and my team but I am hanging in there and I am thankful. I have had a lot of doctor appointments lately and will have more too. The bills are mounting and the amount we spend on prescriptions has grown noticeably and I am trying to not get overwhelmed. People suggest applying for assistance like that is easy, but it has never worked out that way for us…<

I am beyond tired…and not just of this pandemic but of the struggle of life. I am tired of pain and being sick. I am tired of having to make sure I drink a gallon of fluids a day and avoid gluten, nightshades, soy, certain oils, citrus, some legumes…there is not one part of my life that is just easy so it is easy to just want to stay in bed and that is what I sometimes end up doing. It is hard to imagine the life I want because it takes so much to get through the life I have.

I will say this. I know that God is with me. I feel Him and I see Him. I know He gave me the best partner for me, who inspires me to keep trying. He allowed me to meet another one of my favorite people yesterday and show me how He is offering me an opportunity to rebuild an old relationship. He is always good and that is what I want to end on because He is the reason I know that even though I am tired and overwhelmed and I may doubt my future, He doesn’t and that is enough for me.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I am Struggling

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 1, 2022 | Life

I know God is with me. I keep talking to Him. He is the only one around most of the time. I know He is working. But I am struggling.

I spent much of yesterday watching Little House on the Prairie. I needed it. I wish the world was really like that. Where people were priority. Pain was accepted but joy was easy and there was always a positive story to be found.

I saw the neurologist on Thursday. He says I have migraines and have probably had them most of my life…I am used to the pain. Ugh…

All I know is that I am so done with winter, being cold and this pain. I can hardly pay attention to anything else. Prayers are welcome…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Honoring the Process of Healing

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 22, 2022 | Life

I am honoring the process of healing. Having COVID-19 was hard. So is healing from it. Most decongestants and cough meds have ibuprofen or acetaminophen in them; I cannot have those. My doctor prescribed some that would work but my insurance would not cover them and we did not have $400 to pay for them. Luckily our pharmacist is wonderful and when Karen spoke to her about our shortcoming, she found something we could afford and is helping my body deal with the cough and congestion.

Being active is important for many reasons. Tuesday I helped clean for my activity. Wednesday I was able to do most of my workout and do more cleaning…it is normal to take about a week for me to clean up after being sick. Thursday I completed my entire workout and with Karen’s help got three loads of laundry done and the bed made.

My nightmares have returned and my pain has increased as I have missed two weeks of methotrexate so my immune system could fight COVID. I think it could be a mixture of anniversaries of stressful times and added anxiety from my lungs having to work so hard. Thursday night was terrible so yesterday had to be a rest day. I slept a lot. I literally did nothing except lay out Karen’s clothes and give Xavier his flea treatment.

Today I slept late. I prayed a lot last night in response to obsessive thoughts and frustrating dreams. Because I got such a late start in the day, I missed my workout because I had to eat to take meds and my body’s process of digestion can be violent, making my workout very stressful. Luckily I was able to take a short walk with My Love before she left for work. I was able to walk 7 minutes before the coughing started and my voice started disappearing. I am happy with that.

I have a list of cleaning I could do today but a nap will come first. If I don’t exhaust myself before Karen gets off work and it isn’t raining we may take another walk. I was able to walk 31 minutes before my surgery and successive flares and illness since December 1st and I want to get back to that.

The process of healing is similar to the process of growth. Sometimes we bound forward and then we fall back and have to strive forward again. Thankfully I have my team, including loving people and my Savior to be with me along the way.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Keeping My Eyes on My Path

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 20, 2022 | Life

I must practice keeping my eyes on my path. I have been pushing hard to get our home clean and organized. Karen works 3 jobs and her strengths are not domestic, however she is excellent at keeping the garbage under control and she has gotten tremendously better at doing dishes.

We have finally got back to, not spotless but tidy. This is hard. My lungs are still healing from COVID-19 and I have a lot of pain and get winded very easily. I have not even tried stairs. I am happy with walking to the laundry room across the hall, but I cannot carry more than a few pounds.

We were watching the news and they mentioned COVID parties. I am dumbfounded! Herd immunity can’t be measured with this virus, we are still learning about, because we have no way of knowing how COVID will affect each person. My niece had COVID and had no symptoms. Millions of people have died. My case was considered mild but even as I sit here, my lungs ache because they are healing. There are times I feel like I am screaming just to be heard because sometimes I am not getting enough oxygen to push air through my vocal cords.

I am not angry at PeaceHealth St John’s ER because I got COVID while waiting to be seen. I am not angry at the person/people that came there around the time I was there. It a different thing to go to a place where sick people are to get medical help and purposely putting yourself in danger of getting COVID.

I don’t live in fear. I had to let that go. I get my vaccines when they are due. I wash my hands and wear clean masks in public. Heck, I just soaked most of our masks on vinegar overnight, as a regular part of maintenance. I eat healthy and I move regularly and as much as I can. But I also stay clear of people a lot because my immune system is not as strong as other people’s.

I don’t watch the news often anymore. I am exhausted, as I know we all are. I am most exhausted by some of the choices people make.

We have watching the re-enactment of the murder and trials related to Emitt Till and the documentary about his mother. The worst thing that could happen, happened to her 14-year-old son, yet she was gracious and inspired so much good in order to honor him. She even forgave his murderers. I hope in years to come, to see a documentary about the good that came from COVID-19. Right now, we are in it and it is stressful but I know we have been and will continue to see others inspire good, in spite of the evil that happens.

My job is to learn to keep my eyes on my path and to give God the evil that stops me from blessing Him. Thank You Jesus that You are always working for Your glory!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Got COVID-19

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 19, 2022 | Life

The last month has been hard. As I got over one thing, I was hit with something else. Winter is generally harder on me…

In all of it, I am thankful and have hope. Thanks be to God.

My primary doctor went on vacation, which I am glad she was able to do, but I was horrified that there was no one monitoring messages to help her chronically ill patients. Because that was the case, I ended up at the ER for a second time on my birthday. This is where I got COVID-19. By Jan 4, I was very sick. I thought it was a bad cold because I never got a fever, my sense of smell and taste was fine, although I did have a bad taste in my mouth all the time.

As my congestion and exhaustion increased Karen was becoming more and more concerned. I never did hear back from my doctor until well into the New Year, but by then I had chosen to change over to PeaceHealth for my primary care and even though I don’t remember much about my appointment on January 11, Karen was so impressed with how I was treated, compared to my previous primary.

I do remember being tested for COVID-19 and told I may have viral bronchitis. A few days later a nurse called to let me know I did have COVID and how many more days I needed to stay in quarantine.

I am so thankful that Karen never got COVID. She gets tested regularly. I am also thankful for the stress sores in my mouth the week before I got COVID because I was already not letting her kiss me and I was trying to keep distance between us. I am most thankful that I was vaccinated. I was due for a booster but now I am good until March.

From the time I was 10-25 years old, I had either bronchitis or pneumonia or both, every year. I am so grateful for the pneumonia vaccine! I know what viral bronchitis feels like and this wasn’t it. I would not wish COVID on anyone. I think if I had not been vaccinated, I may have died.

I am still healing. I sleep a lot and I still have congestion and a terrible cough sometimes but I am feeling more and more normal and so thankful! I know there are many opinions regarding vaccines but I am so thankful that I was able to get mine.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Radical Acceptance

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 28, 2021 | Cancer, Life

I am so thankful to Jesus! Radical acceptance tells me that I am not ready for what I want but He is always working on me and I always have what I need. I am a blessed woman.

The easy way has never worked for me so struggle is not new to me. Luckily for me, I don’t consider obstacles to be punishment or the sum of my life. I don’t make yearly resolutions and I don’t add up my painful experiences and decide that this year or that year is bad or good; life is growth and growth is not supposed to be easy and I don’t take life lightly.

That said, I am tired. I have lots of things that I am tired of but sharing those things doesn’t help others. Many of the things I am tired of relate to others so I am asking God to help me accept those things. I can’t control my body much of the time but I can control how I respond to things that happen. I want to be able to diffuse God’s wisdom and love through Jesus in me. I don’t want to judge or cause pain.

Pain is something I have had to make peace with. Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I have been suffering with a flare of trigeminal neuralgia. Most episodes are 1-3 seconds but I have had searing pain in my face for episodes of 2 to 41 minutes. The episodes that wake me confuse me. I sleep with a mouth guard so I cannot move my face a lot. Generally episodes are triggered by talking, eating, drinking but it seems any movement of my face can cause it. I have lots of stressful dreams due to PTSD, and episodes tend to happen when I am having a stressful dream. As irritating as it is at the time, Xavier is getting really good at waking me often.

I am used to flares of something (new or old pain, depression, and similar sufferings) when I start to feel successful. This is something that makes me tired too. Since I can’t truly pinpoint what my triggers are for my face issues I have paused my workouts. As the days go by my pain in the rest of my body has gotten worse. The snow and dry air doesn’t help. One side effect of my cancer meds is gas. I live with GERD so I don’t need help with this. Today I woke up in so much pain in my midsection I decided I had to do my workout. Working out doesn’t just increase flexibility, burn fat and release endorphins, it also helps our body eliminate things it doesn’t need. I am so thankful that I only had a few twinges during my workout! The rest of me felt better when I was done too!

Side effects of the anticonvulsant drug I am taking that are supposedly mild and should resolve themselves are extreme exhaustion, headaches, dry mouth, irritability, depression and blurred vision. I have episodes of all of these. I have been sleeping a lot. I am an action person so this is hard on me but I try to do a few things every day. I know I am doing what I can. I am having to learn that this is enough. It is hard.

I am frustrated that I have emailed my primary twice since Tuesday and she has not responded. I understand that it is Christmas but I would so appreciate if her assistant could respond…another thing I cannot control…

I know it may sound like I am complaining, and technically I am, but my heart and intent is to accept the things that happen in my life. Radical acceptance is a wonderful gift! I have many struggles and a few obstacles but my life is never without joy and accomplishment. For this I am thankful and I can see God thinking peace and hope for me. No matter what is happening in your life, I hope you can hear this lovely piece of wisdom that is a promise to those who love God.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Merry Christmas 2021

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 25, 2021 | Life

Merry Christmas from Karen and I!

We had a wonderfully relaxing day. Xavier got us up by 9 am so I made Karen coffee (I am not drinking coffee right now but she loves it) and Karen found the Disney Christmas Parade. That was fun to watch.

I did not have any episodes longer than 3 seconds all day, but Karen was there to catch the turkey when I unwrapped it, just in case. I cut it up and covered it with old bay, dried parsley, sea salt and pepper and chopped onions and carrots. I also added a box of organic chicken broth. We let it slow cook all day.

We did a load of laundry…meaning I started but had a moment of extreme exhaustion and fell asleep so Karen finished. Xavier’s Christmas present to us was throwing up on our blankets while we were at the hospital. He is so sensitive and my episodes upset him so I wasn’t surprised. We were so exhausted we threw them in the hamper and turned the heat up. Luckily we had a few throw blankets handy…it was too much to wash them on Christmas Eve…

Karen was gifted with free range of the remote. I don’t like tv as much as she does and living in such a small space creates opportunity for compromise a lot.

When it got dark I made hot chocolate in our to go cups and we went to look at lights. Karen has worked so much and I have had so many medical issues, we had not made time. The gentle snow made the ambiance very beautiful.

The turkey was waiting for us when we returned and a sleepy Xavier who was thankful we were only gone for an hour or two. I enjoyed the broth and was able to chew the meat and even some soft Christmas candy.

We don’t have all our things with us, including our DVD player and Christmas movies. I was frustrated that all our streaming apps didn’t have many classic movies. Amazon had them but you had to rent them…luckily searching cable we found many of our favorites. I never did find Miracle on 34th Street. The one with Maureen O’Hara is my favorite but I couldn’t find that, however Tubi had the version they did before that. We enjoyed that while snuggling under our freshly washed blankets. Tomorrow we will watch A Christmas Carol with George C Scott, my favorite version.

We had planned to go to Jamie’s for Christmas but I changed plans as my issues with trigeminal neuralgia progressed. We missed her but we chatted via Messenger and will have a nice dinner together when I am in remission and know I will be able to talk with her and chew my food without stress.

I am happy with our quiet day. I have been having memories of stressful holidays past. Because I want to heal and because many people are not in my life, even though I love and respect aspects of their personalities, I have been praying for these people. I have asked God to heal them and me, asked Him to help me forgive in case I haven’t, and asked for blessings for us all. He is good at listening and I know He is working in all His children.

Bless you and Happy Jesus’ Birthday!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Trigeminal Neuralgia

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 23, 2021 | Life

I am being treated for Trigeminal Neuralgia. 7 days of meds should get me into remission. I will see a neurologist as soon as possible not just because of this but other issues I am having that are not as painful, just annoying.

My episode today, started around 2 pm. It stopped at 2:25. I had enough time to go to the bathroom and call neurology to see if my referral came through but the minute I got someone on the phone it hit again. It was terrible and I felt bad because it was so hard to understand me. It stopped at 2:41.

It feels like there is a taser stuck in the side of my face and I cannot get it off when an episode happens. It is literally the worst pain I have experienced. You have to made peace with the pain at some point or drown; it is so hard to control your body when this happens. I was sweating from head to toe, my eyes were watering and I was drooling, I even wet myself. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Generally chewing, drinking, talking or brushing my teeth trigger it but the episode I had today started while I was lying in bed. I was not doing anything to trigger this. I also cannot force an episode so every bite or sip or word spoken is stressful because it might or might not be extremely painful.

Thankfully I have only had 1 second twinges since. I hope the meds work fast.

Xavier and I are now relaxing. He is very stressed by my episodes, he hides in the bathtub while I struggle. He is my nearly constant companion and we were so stressed out, as we left for the hospital, we forgot to talk to him before we left. We did not imagine being at the hospital for 6 hours and missed his feeding time; He has IBS and is on a special diet and feeding schedule. He got sick while we were gone. Poor guy! He is happily snuggled on my bathrobe and lights up if I pet him.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Keep Moving

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 20, 2021 | Life

I must keep moving!

These pain experiences are happening more frequently and sometimes are much longer. Last night Karen said my episode may have been 2 minutes. I can’t make an episode happen so I don’t know what is causing it. Most of the time it seems to be nerves in my tongue but the pain seems to start in the middle of my cheek. I have feelings of light pressure to pins and needles all over my right side of my face that radiates to most of my scalp. But I also have sensation on my left side, but it also includes random twinges that can be a second to 3 seconds long. The worst is the big flares that feel like someone has ripped my face open with a dull tool and set my face on fire. I can’t move my mouth when this happens. The pain is so extreme that my jaw falls open and tears and drool pool in my eyes and mouth. I can’t swallow so I lean forward and have to let the fluid fall out so I don’t drown. Pressure points make it worse. The tension works down to other parts of my body. When it is over all I can do is sob because I am so scared and feel violated. The adrenaline is extreme and I can feel it for hours but I am afraid to move in case it happens again. It leaves me exhausted but unable to sleep from all the twitching as my body eliminates the adrenaline. The twinges wake me up when I do fall asleep.

I have been eating much smaller bites in case it happens. If I am quick I can swallow for a second to clear my mouth in the very beginning but once it is full force I lose control. My episode I had last night, I had 1 peanut in my mouth. It is making it very hard to eat. I am hungry often because I am terrified to eat. This is not fun. I am not sure who to call, my primary or rheumy… I am not sure this is fibromyalgia or Psoriatic Arthritis or even MS…which one of my siblings has. Please pray for this situation….

So my primary ordered a ton of tests including: MS and Lupus…again…we did that in 2016 but a lot has changed since then. We are also checking my thyroid to make sure it is still working and my hemoglobin and kidneys for good measure…she is also referring me to a neurologist. I have thought this might be the next step. I have never seen a neurologist before…on the way home I got a Vital Peanut Butter Smoothie with a banana in it. Chewing is hard and I am hungry. Red Leaf makes them, very low sugar and high protein so it is a great option as a meal replacement. Don’t mind my bib…I don’t want to ruin my sweater…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.