Food for Thought

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 3, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I realized today that some of my depression is that I miss enjoying food. I miss coffee made in a French Press with cream. I miss green tea with honey. I miss avocado with a little Himalayan Sea Salt. I have a strong sense of smell and a good palate…enter cancer meds…I have danced through GERD, giving up many of my favorite foods over the years, or at least minimizing how I have them but these cancer meds leave a bad taste in my mouth always…

Now if I am eating or drinking anything that doesn’t have a clean flavor, it tastes disgusting. Like Stash Tea…which all restaurants serve. It is cheap. I understand why they choose to serve it but my peppermint tea tasted like an ash tray today… I am an ex-smoker (16 years free) so I have some actual experience here. I had a feeling I should have brought my own…Rude. Yes…but only my server would know…

Karen really wanted to celebrate her birthday today. We have not eaten out in a restaurant since before COVID-19. Seriously. This was big. We chose the restaurant we went to based on a post on Facebook. We had been there before. I always hope more for them but everyone else seems to think they are great…I guess because I am a pretty good cook, and I watch the Food Network a lot, my standards are a bit higher than I tend to find in Longview. When it comes down to it, I don’t want to travel out of town to get a healthy meal in a beautiful setting…

I wasn’t impressed with the out-dated decor and I wasn’t impressed with the lack of uniforms on servers but I was impressed with the cleanliness and the friendliness of the servers…that made up for the lack of ambiance…almost. I ordered a fish meal that I am positive was frozen and reheated which left me bloated and a little disheartened but the post that got me there-the cake…which was great!

The reason I won’t go back is that the owner was bad-mouthing another local restaurant while standing in the middle of the dining room…not while they were in their office or break room…Not cool. I miss some of the old social expectations of knowing when and where to air your laundry.

This restaurant won’t miss me. I have only been there about 4 times. Their website is terrible and ordering online is only going to work if you have their menu memorized because they have no descriptions listed. They are obviously not marketing to me. That’s ok.

The best part of my experience is the way the sunlight lit up My Love’s face in the restaurant. Our spot near the window was wonderful and the clouds changed so much while we were there; they gave us quite a show! Karen really enjoyed her pasta dish and I am so glad we had some time to laugh in a new place. When we left, there was a 20-something couple that took turns holding the doors for us. I guess we are old but there are benefits to not dying so we can live another day and keep moving forward.

Veda is still here but I tried harder today. I did part of my workout until my abdomen started to hurt. I paid the bills and ordered what we needed for the month. I met with my psychiatrist and we agreed to increase one of my meds a little bit. I had to wrap my leg today instead of wearing compression hose because of the size of my leg but I walked more today and then I stayed in bed to keep my leg up so maybe I will have more success tomorrow. We shall see.

We also found a movie that Karen loved!!!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Veda is Here

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 2, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I am so blessed to have everything I need. I don’t tend to go into detail when I am depressed but Veda has been here 3 days. I named her that. I can already imagine the conversation with my psychiatrist tomorrow: No. I don’t think I need more meds. I think I can name several natural triggers for my feelings and mood…

1. There is war going on. I can feel it.
2. I have cancer. The meds make me super tired. They have also affected my taste buds. So far I cannot stand cheese and avocado… These meds have also made my stomach much more sensitive than usual and I also cannot have coffee or caffeine at all…
3. In the next 3 weeks I have an MRI on my brain, mammogram and follow up surgery scheduled…
4. One of the meds I take for migraine causes swelling so no matter what I do, the lymphedema in my left leg is somewhat out of control… I went 2 days without a headache this week for the first time in forever but being swollen is painful and unattractive…
5. Being swollen no matter what has made it easy to skip exercising…Not exercising is never good for me…
6. I have friends going through personal things and I know they will be ok but I still worry…
7. Nightmares have started again…the horror movie kind…

I know you probably have a lot to pray about already…we live in the same stressed out world…But if you want to add me to your list, I am grateful.

On a positive note… I got another doctor bill in the mail today. I had a knot in my gut knowing I had $7 left in my budget after bills and groceries… God is very good though, that doctor bill is only $4! Praise God!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Empathy is Good, Judgement is Not

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 28, 2022 | Life

I was harassed recently by a “friend” of a friend who is having a hard time and I really had some things I wanted to say in response to their messages…empathy is good, judgement is not…

I am such a lucky woman! I do have trials but I am able to see patterns and make decisions. I know many people with mental health issues at varying levels. Some, like me, were able to see they were making bad choices without hurting themselves or others too badly that they required intervention before they got help, and some struggle much more. I still have bad days. I still have to forgive myself and ask forgiveness but it happens almost as quickly as the behavior is seen; most of the time I can tell when I am off and I warn people around me so they know if I snap at them, it probably has nothing to do with them. Lucky for me, violence is not part of my makeup.

I have empathy for people who struggle. I have enough of my own experiences to know some of their pain. It isn’t fun to live with a brain that lies to you. If that person has chronic physical illness, I also can empathize with that. It isn’t fun to live in a body that looks fine but isn’t. I also understand that mental and physical illness can trigger each other and that is challenging too.

Pity is not something I do. I looked it up and although it is just sorrow for other’s experiences it seems bigger than that for me. There seems to be some ownership there too. Pity was not something I was shown much of…or compassion or patience. I have and am still learning these things but I was born with the ability to empathize. When I see someone hurting I feel sorrow for their children and loved ones. I feel a need to remind them to make good choices but most of all I try to acknowledge what I see that is good because I know their brain is lying to them and I know they are being criticized by someone already and I always remind them that I love them. My comments do not contain words of pity. Struggle is part of life and we each have to build the life we want. Sometimes it takes some people much longer to learn that than others.

I have had a successful weekend. On Friday I made a great soup with black beans, veggies and beef. On Saturday I got my COVID-19 booster and Karen and I walked around…she got her birthday present early since she dropped the French Press while washing it. Yesterday I made applesauce and tuna salad for lunches. I drank at least 1 gallon of water or unsweetened herb tea every day, per my neurologist. I really slept in today…I will probably do a load of laundry…it is good to have goals. Wellness is a lifestyle you should never stop working on. Enjoy your day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Mourning and Learning

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 15, 2022 | Life

Mourning and learning are hard. I have struggled in my head this week. It is real but not something I can put on a shelf. But I have communicated some boundaries I need. I have told doctors what I needed from them. I have told my wife I need time with just her (I look forward to Thursday). I gave myself permission to change my workout because I am bored with it. I even let myself be honest with my therapist today and let myself cry and be more expressive than usual. I am trying.
My current therapist, and many before her, agree that I am an emotional neglect survivor. The last few sessions I have let it slip that I wonder if I might be on the neurodivergent spectrum…it does run in the Clemenson side of my family. She told me the she does not diagnose this but it might help me understand myself if I had an answer. She also said I explained several things about myself today that could be markers. She also said that there are similar symptoms for emotional neglect survivors, but I could very well have both.

I appreciate her listening and affirmation. When my doctor bills are caught up I will talk about autism with my primary. If this is something I can research maybe someday I won’t feel so invisible. Maybe there are tools I can learn so I don’t feel so uncomfortable in groups, and lights and sounds.

My therapist asked me why, when I referred to my parents, that I say, I wasn’t an easy kid for them. I told her I asked questions all the time. If I wasn’t satisfied with their answer, I kept asking…until I stopped altogether…I was highly sensitive and a deep thinker. Nothing was easy with me. There is nothing casual about me. I am not wired that way. I was ready to leave way before anyone else was and often found corners to hide in. It was probably just easier to leave me alone. My sisters were easier. At least that is how it looked to me and my parents took them more places while I stayed home.

I have a wonderful family. They are smart, generous, kind, creative and hard working but they just aren’t wonderful towards me, for individual and collective reasons which have nothing to do with their love for me. That is what dysfunction looks like. When I see sappy posts about loving families it is like a punch in the gut because although I have a few extended family members and some adopted family members, it is so much harder and painful to mourn family that is still alive but not available. The tears today were for them.

I am trying to learn about me. It is a process. I think I will take a walk…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Happy Valentines Day 2022

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 14, 2022 | Life

Karen G Clemenson and I don’t do Valentines Day…there is never a day that goes by that we don’t tell or show each other that we love each other and appreciate each other so we don’t need a commercialized day to celebrate it…if we get to foster/adopt we will soften our viewpoint for their sake…but if we had a Valentine it might look like our gorgeous kitty sleeping on a pile of our blankets like a little angel.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Respect is Key

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 10, 2022 | Opinions

Love is important but respect is key.

Karen and I had a rare moment where we weren’t exhausted or didn’t have to be somewhere. We were enjoying that moment by having a nice talk. I told her I thought love was fickle. To me, respect was most important. I give every person a certain level of respect, as a human, but respect is a two way street and must be earned. I think I respect Karen the most out of everyone I have met (besides Jesus).

Karen is a magnificent person who has the ability to let each person be themself without losing herself. It may appear that she might be a pushover but she is actually very measured and in more control of situations than expected. She is honorable, loyal and wise. She has helped teach me how you can’t have true love without respect. She is not perfect but she will admit that too…and she is working on herself all the time which I totally respect as well.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Tired but Hopeful

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 8, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I am so tired but hopeful. Karen and I are working on getting the doctor bills paid and applying for assistance. This lifts a little of the burden off our shoulders. For some reason prescription costs are covered less by insurance one year and more the next, and we are in the year of more coverage so that is encouraging too.

I had to get up super early to be at PeaceHealth St John at 7:45 am…I am a night person so this is no small thing but I did it. Despite being careful about my food choices my stomach is regularly blowing up so sleep was nearly impossible last night. I mentioned that to my rheumatologist and she suggested I see an immunologist to help me with this. I thanked her and told her that like the suggestion of seeing an ENT that my neurologist gave me, this would have to wait until I am caught up on my bills with PeaceHealth and Legacy. She totally understood.

With that in mind, I was glad she was able to use the imaging from my abdomen to look at my spine, where my pain is the worst. We found that I am suffering with bone spurs and osteoarthritis. It isn’t PsA because Psoriatic Arthritis would create a bridge on the bones. She said this is where people tend to get arthritis first. Since I cannot take OTC meds and I am not interested in narcotics, all I can do is continue with my workouts and weight loss.

She was able to see recent labs from other doctors, instead of ordering new ones and costing me more money, to see my kidneys and liver are doing well. This is good because methotrexate can cause damage to these organs but it is obviously keeping PsA under control for me. She told me we cannot talk about changing meds right now because there is not a treatment that won’t impede my cancer treatment...so no changes…

When I got home I told Jamie about my tummy troubles and she reminded me that the cancer meds might be causing my problems. I am thinking about ways to change my eating. We had roasted vegetables and shared a grass fed steak last night. Maybe I need to eat heavier meals on Karen’s days off when we can have them for lunch instead of closer to bedtime. I made soup for tonight. We do eat a lot of soups and usually I don’t have a problem so it must be easier for me to digest.

My neurologist put me on a different pill before bed to help me sleep that isn’t addictive that works better than the one my psychiatrist has me on, which is addictive. The hard part is since my body is fighting cancer it wants two naps a day, yet when I allow that, I have trouble sleeping when Karen does… I am always a bit sleepy but my evenings are harder. I am trying to adjust. I am very thankful to find a solution for sleeping at night! This is wonderful! I have always had trouble sleeping at night.

I saw my eye doctor last week. I think Dr Tack has retired. I missed him. I honestly don’t remember my new doctor’s name but she is great. I don’t remember ever having my eyes dilated before…which only means if I had it done, my brain chose to forget it…wow! That was painful! However I learned that diabetes has not caused any damage to my eyes at all. The images of eyes are beautiful. I do need progressive lenses, which doesn’t shock me because I really struggle looking at things close up; especially reading…but otherwise my vision is really good.

The last month or so has been a time of collecting information about my health so I can fine tune my wellness plan. I have had quite a bit of suffering this winter but I am not a quitter. I may need to go slow. I may need to rest a lot but I am always trying to be better.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

God does

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 5, 2022 | Life

When I don’t have enough faith God does. Been contemplating a lot. Not a lot I want to share with anyone but God and my team but I am hanging in there and I am thankful. I have had a lot of doctor appointments lately and will have more too. The bills are mounting and the amount we spend on prescriptions has grown noticeably and I am trying to not get overwhelmed. People suggest applying for assistance like that is easy, but it has never worked out that way for us…<

I am beyond tired…and not just of this pandemic but of the struggle of life. I am tired of pain and being sick. I am tired of having to make sure I drink a gallon of fluids a day and avoid gluten, nightshades, soy, certain oils, citrus, some legumes…there is not one part of my life that is just easy so it is easy to just want to stay in bed and that is what I sometimes end up doing. It is hard to imagine the life I want because it takes so much to get through the life I have.

I will say this. I know that God is with me. I feel Him and I see Him. I know He gave me the best partner for me, who inspires me to keep trying. He allowed me to meet another one of my favorite people yesterday and show me how He is offering me an opportunity to rebuild an old relationship. He is always good and that is what I want to end on because He is the reason I know that even though I am tired and overwhelmed and I may doubt my future, He doesn’t and that is enough for me.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I am Struggling

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 1, 2022 | Life

I know God is with me. I keep talking to Him. He is the only one around most of the time. I know He is working. But I am struggling.

I spent much of yesterday watching Little House on the Prairie. I needed it. I wish the world was really like that. Where people were priority. Pain was accepted but joy was easy and there was always a positive story to be found.

I saw the neurologist on Thursday. He says I have migraines and have probably had them most of my life…I am used to the pain. Ugh…

All I know is that I am so done with winter, being cold and this pain. I can hardly pay attention to anything else. Prayers are welcome…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Honoring the Process of Healing

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 22, 2022 | Life

I am honoring the process of healing. Having COVID-19 was hard. So is healing from it. Most decongestants and cough meds have ibuprofen or acetaminophen in them; I cannot have those. My doctor prescribed some that would work but my insurance would not cover them and we did not have $400 to pay for them. Luckily our pharmacist is wonderful and when Karen spoke to her about our shortcoming, she found something we could afford and is helping my body deal with the cough and congestion.

Being active is important for many reasons. Tuesday I helped clean for my activity. Wednesday I was able to do most of my workout and do more cleaning…it is normal to take about a week for me to clean up after being sick. Thursday I completed my entire workout and with Karen’s help got three loads of laundry done and the bed made.

My nightmares have returned and my pain has increased as I have missed two weeks of methotrexate so my immune system could fight COVID. I think it could be a mixture of anniversaries of stressful times and added anxiety from my lungs having to work so hard. Thursday night was terrible so yesterday had to be a rest day. I slept a lot. I literally did nothing except lay out Karen’s clothes and give Xavier his flea treatment.

Today I slept late. I prayed a lot last night in response to obsessive thoughts and frustrating dreams. Because I got such a late start in the day, I missed my workout because I had to eat to take meds and my body’s process of digestion can be violent, making my workout very stressful. Luckily I was able to take a short walk with My Love before she left for work. I was able to walk 7 minutes before the coughing started and my voice started disappearing. I am happy with that.

I have a list of cleaning I could do today but a nap will come first. If I don’t exhaust myself before Karen gets off work and it isn’t raining we may take another walk. I was able to walk 31 minutes before my surgery and successive flares and illness since December 1st and I want to get back to that.

The process of healing is similar to the process of growth. Sometimes we bound forward and then we fall back and have to strive forward again. Thankfully I have my team, including loving people and my Savior to be with me along the way.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Keeping My Eyes on My Path

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 20, 2022 | Life

I must practice keeping my eyes on my path. I have been pushing hard to get our home clean and organized. Karen works 3 jobs and her strengths are not domestic, however she is excellent at keeping the garbage under control and she has gotten tremendously better at doing dishes.

We have finally got back to, not spotless but tidy. This is hard. My lungs are still healing from COVID-19 and I have a lot of pain and get winded very easily. I have not even tried stairs. I am happy with walking to the laundry room across the hall, but I cannot carry more than a few pounds.

We were watching the news and they mentioned COVID parties. I am dumbfounded! Herd immunity can’t be measured with this virus, we are still learning about, because we have no way of knowing how COVID will affect each person. My niece had COVID and had no symptoms. Millions of people have died. My case was considered mild but even as I sit here, my lungs ache because they are healing. There are times I feel like I am screaming just to be heard because sometimes I am not getting enough oxygen to push air through my vocal cords.

I am not angry at PeaceHealth St John’s ER because I got COVID while waiting to be seen. I am not angry at the person/people that came there around the time I was there. It a different thing to go to a place where sick people are to get medical help and purposely putting yourself in danger of getting COVID.

I don’t live in fear. I had to let that go. I get my vaccines when they are due. I wash my hands and wear clean masks in public. Heck, I just soaked most of our masks on vinegar overnight, as a regular part of maintenance. I eat healthy and I move regularly and as much as I can. But I also stay clear of people a lot because my immune system is not as strong as other people’s.

I don’t watch the news often anymore. I am exhausted, as I know we all are. I am most exhausted by some of the choices people make.

We have watching the re-enactment of the murder and trials related to Emitt Till and the documentary about his mother. The worst thing that could happen, happened to her 14-year-old son, yet she was gracious and inspired so much good in order to honor him. She even forgave his murderers. I hope in years to come, to see a documentary about the good that came from COVID-19. Right now, we are in it and it is stressful but I know we have been and will continue to see others inspire good, in spite of the evil that happens.

My job is to learn to keep my eyes on my path and to give God the evil that stops me from blessing Him. Thank You Jesus that You are always working for Your glory!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Got COVID-19

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 19, 2022 | Life

The last month has been hard. As I got over one thing, I was hit with something else. Winter is generally harder on me…

In all of it, I am thankful and have hope. Thanks be to God.

My primary doctor went on vacation, which I am glad she was able to do, but I was horrified that there was no one monitoring messages to help her chronically ill patients. Because that was the case, I ended up at the ER for a second time on my birthday. This is where I got COVID-19. By Jan 4, I was very sick. I thought it was a bad cold because I never got a fever, my sense of smell and taste was fine, although I did have a bad taste in my mouth all the time.

As my congestion and exhaustion increased Karen was becoming more and more concerned. I never did hear back from my doctor until well into the New Year, but by then I had chosen to change over to PeaceHealth for my primary care and even though I don’t remember much about my appointment on January 11, Karen was so impressed with how I was treated, compared to my previous primary.

I do remember being tested for COVID-19 and told I may have viral bronchitis. A few days later a nurse called to let me know I did have COVID and how many more days I needed to stay in quarantine.

I am so thankful that Karen never got COVID. She gets tested regularly. I am also thankful for the stress sores in my mouth the week before I got COVID because I was already not letting her kiss me and I was trying to keep distance between us. I am most thankful that I was vaccinated. I was due for a booster but now I am good until March.

From the time I was 10-25 years old, I had either bronchitis or pneumonia or both, every year. I am so grateful for the pneumonia vaccine! I know what viral bronchitis feels like and this wasn’t it. I would not wish COVID on anyone. I think if I had not been vaccinated, I may have died.

I am still healing. I sleep a lot and I still have congestion and a terrible cough sometimes but I am feeling more and more normal and so thankful! I know there are many opinions regarding vaccines but I am so thankful that I was able to get mine.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Radical Acceptance

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 28, 2021 | Cancer, Life

I am so thankful to Jesus! Radical acceptance tells me that I am not ready for what I want but He is always working on me and I always have what I need. I am a blessed woman.

The easy way has never worked for me so struggle is not new to me. Luckily for me, I don’t consider obstacles to be punishment or the sum of my life. I don’t make yearly resolutions and I don’t add up my painful experiences and decide that this year or that year is bad or good; life is growth and growth is not supposed to be easy and I don’t take life lightly.

That said, I am tired. I have lots of things that I am tired of but sharing those things doesn’t help others. Many of the things I am tired of relate to others so I am asking God to help me accept those things. I can’t control my body much of the time but I can control how I respond to things that happen. I want to be able to diffuse God’s wisdom and love through Jesus in me. I don’t want to judge or cause pain.

Pain is something I have had to make peace with. Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I have been suffering with a flare of trigeminal neuralgia. Most episodes are 1-3 seconds but I have had searing pain in my face for episodes of 2 to 41 minutes. The episodes that wake me confuse me. I sleep with a mouth guard so I cannot move my face a lot. Generally episodes are triggered by talking, eating, drinking but it seems any movement of my face can cause it. I have lots of stressful dreams due to PTSD, and episodes tend to happen when I am having a stressful dream. As irritating as it is at the time, Xavier is getting really good at waking me often.

I am used to flares of something (new or old pain, depression, and similar sufferings) when I start to feel successful. This is something that makes me tired too. Since I can’t truly pinpoint what my triggers are for my face issues I have paused my workouts. As the days go by my pain in the rest of my body has gotten worse. The snow and dry air doesn’t help. One side effect of my cancer meds is gas. I live with GERD so I don’t need help with this. Today I woke up in so much pain in my midsection I decided I had to do my workout. Working out doesn’t just increase flexibility, burn fat and release endorphins, it also helps our body eliminate things it doesn’t need. I am so thankful that I only had a few twinges during my workout! The rest of me felt better when I was done too!

Side effects of the anticonvulsant drug I am taking that are supposedly mild and should resolve themselves are extreme exhaustion, headaches, dry mouth, irritability, depression and blurred vision. I have episodes of all of these. I have been sleeping a lot. I am an action person so this is hard on me but I try to do a few things every day. I know I am doing what I can. I am having to learn that this is enough. It is hard.

I am frustrated that I have emailed my primary twice since Tuesday and she has not responded. I understand that it is Christmas but I would so appreciate if her assistant could respond…another thing I cannot control…

I know it may sound like I am complaining, and technically I am, but my heart and intent is to accept the things that happen in my life. Radical acceptance is a wonderful gift! I have many struggles and a few obstacles but my life is never without joy and accomplishment. For this I am thankful and I can see God thinking peace and hope for me. No matter what is happening in your life, I hope you can hear this lovely piece of wisdom that is a promise to those who love God.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Merry Christmas 2021

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 25, 2021 | Life

Merry Christmas from Karen and I!

We had a wonderfully relaxing day. Xavier got us up by 9 am so I made Karen coffee (I am not drinking coffee right now but she loves it) and Karen found the Disney Christmas Parade. That was fun to watch.

I did not have any episodes longer than 3 seconds all day, but Karen was there to catch the turkey when I unwrapped it, just in case. I cut it up and covered it with old bay, dried parsley, sea salt and pepper and chopped onions and carrots. I also added a box of organic chicken broth. We let it slow cook all day.

We did a load of laundry…meaning I started but had a moment of extreme exhaustion and fell asleep so Karen finished. Xavier’s Christmas present to us was throwing up on our blankets while we were at the hospital. He is so sensitive and my episodes upset him so I wasn’t surprised. We were so exhausted we threw them in the hamper and turned the heat up. Luckily we had a few throw blankets handy…it was too much to wash them on Christmas Eve…

Karen was gifted with free range of the remote. I don’t like tv as much as she does and living in such a small space creates opportunity for compromise a lot.

When it got dark I made hot chocolate in our to go cups and we went to look at lights. Karen has worked so much and I have had so many medical issues, we had not made time. The gentle snow made the ambiance very beautiful.

The turkey was waiting for us when we returned and a sleepy Xavier who was thankful we were only gone for an hour or two. I enjoyed the broth and was able to chew the meat and even some soft Christmas candy.

We don’t have all our things with us, including our DVD player and Christmas movies. I was frustrated that all our streaming apps didn’t have many classic movies. Amazon had them but you had to rent them…luckily searching cable we found many of our favorites. I never did find Miracle on 34th Street. The one with Maureen O’Hara is my favorite but I couldn’t find that, however Tubi had the version they did before that. We enjoyed that while snuggling under our freshly washed blankets. Tomorrow we will watch A Christmas Carol with George C Scott, my favorite version.

We had planned to go to Jamie’s for Christmas but I changed plans as my issues with trigeminal neuralgia progressed. We missed her but we chatted via Messenger and will have a nice dinner together when I am in remission and know I will be able to talk with her and chew my food without stress.

I am happy with our quiet day. I have been having memories of stressful holidays past. Because I want to heal and because many people are not in my life, even though I love and respect aspects of their personalities, I have been praying for these people. I have asked God to heal them and me, asked Him to help me forgive in case I haven’t, and asked for blessings for us all. He is good at listening and I know He is working in all His children.

Bless you and Happy Jesus’ Birthday!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Trigeminal Neuralgia

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 23, 2021 | Life

I am being treated for Trigeminal Neuralgia. 7 days of meds should get me into remission. I will see a neurologist as soon as possible not just because of this but other issues I am having that are not as painful, just annoying.

My episode today, started around 2 pm. It stopped at 2:25. I had enough time to go to the bathroom and call neurology to see if my referral came through but the minute I got someone on the phone it hit again. It was terrible and I felt bad because it was so hard to understand me. It stopped at 2:41.

It feels like there is a taser stuck in the side of my face and I cannot get it off when an episode happens. It is literally the worst pain I have experienced. You have to made peace with the pain at some point or drown; it is so hard to control your body when this happens. I was sweating from head to toe, my eyes were watering and I was drooling, I even wet myself. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Generally chewing, drinking, talking or brushing my teeth trigger it but the episode I had today started while I was lying in bed. I was not doing anything to trigger this. I also cannot force an episode so every bite or sip or word spoken is stressful because it might or might not be extremely painful.

Thankfully I have only had 1 second twinges since. I hope the meds work fast.

Xavier and I are now relaxing. He is very stressed by my episodes, he hides in the bathtub while I struggle. He is my nearly constant companion and we were so stressed out, as we left for the hospital, we forgot to talk to him before we left. We did not imagine being at the hospital for 6 hours and missed his feeding time; He has IBS and is on a special diet and feeding schedule. He got sick while we were gone. Poor guy! He is happily snuggled on my bathrobe and lights up if I pet him.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Keep Moving

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 20, 2021 | Life

I must keep moving!

These pain experiences are happening more frequently and sometimes are much longer. Last night Karen said my episode may have been 2 minutes. I can’t make an episode happen so I don’t know what is causing it. Most of the time it seems to be nerves in my tongue but the pain seems to start in the middle of my cheek. I have feelings of light pressure to pins and needles all over my right side of my face that radiates to most of my scalp. But I also have sensation on my left side, but it also includes random twinges that can be a second to 3 seconds long. The worst is the big flares that feel like someone has ripped my face open with a dull tool and set my face on fire. I can’t move my mouth when this happens. The pain is so extreme that my jaw falls open and tears and drool pool in my eyes and mouth. I can’t swallow so I lean forward and have to let the fluid fall out so I don’t drown. Pressure points make it worse. The tension works down to other parts of my body. When it is over all I can do is sob because I am so scared and feel violated. The adrenaline is extreme and I can feel it for hours but I am afraid to move in case it happens again. It leaves me exhausted but unable to sleep from all the twitching as my body eliminates the adrenaline. The twinges wake me up when I do fall asleep.

I have been eating much smaller bites in case it happens. If I am quick I can swallow for a second to clear my mouth in the very beginning but once it is full force I lose control. My episode I had last night, I had 1 peanut in my mouth. It is making it very hard to eat. I am hungry often because I am terrified to eat. This is not fun. I am not sure who to call, my primary or rheumy… I am not sure this is fibromyalgia or Psoriatic Arthritis or even MS…which one of my siblings has. Please pray for this situation….

So my primary ordered a ton of tests including: MS and Lupus…again…we did that in 2016 but a lot has changed since then. We are also checking my thyroid to make sure it is still working and my hemoglobin and kidneys for good measure…she is also referring me to a neurologist. I have thought this might be the next step. I have never seen a neurologist before…on the way home I got a Vital Peanut Butter Smoothie with a banana in it. Chewing is hard and I am hungry. Red Leaf makes them, very low sugar and high protein so it is a great option as a meal replacement. Don’t mind my bib…I don’t want to ruin my sweater…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Self-Care is Important

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 19, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today is a good day! But last night was terrible …you would think I would read ingredients on a new food…but I didn’t so I have been tired and in more pain all day. I decided today was a good day to rest from my workout because self-care is important and rest is good self care.

I did put together grocery lists for today and Christmas Eve. I also showed Karen my new favorite treat: open faced, toasted caramelized onion sandwiches…she was super impressed. I also finally got all the squares crocheted for Kaison’s blanket. Now I am done for the day.

I used to get projects done so much faster. I was lamenting this and then I realized that I also used to never exercise and I ate a lot of processed foods. Wellness takes time. Yes, arthritis in my hands, ribs and shoulders is not fun, but in reality the real reason this project is taking longer is that I am putting my health first. I rest more because my body is fighting cancer and she also has chronic pain. I cook most of our food from scratch to avoid my sensitivities and get as many nutrients in our diet…healthy veins and connective tissue are built by vegetables…bones and muscles are not the only parts of our bodies we should consider. Exercising most days means I spend an hour or more moving on purpose, which is very different from working and living.

The other day my sister, Jamie, sent this message to me:

I responded that our well-being should always be paramount. Society lies to us, in the most co-dependent way, by telling us to give until it hurts. But Jesus never said that. He told us to come to Him when we are tired and He will give us rest. He also said to give freely…but freely implies we have abundance to give from. Jesus knows we get tired and when we are tired we can’t give freely. If we are dragging around a tired heart, mind and body we are probably not going to give our best. I think Jesus invented boundaries…

I didn’t clean today and I am ok with that too. The dirt will be there tomorrow after I have rested.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Choose Positivity

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 18, 2021 | Life

Today has been a great day to choose positivity, following 2 other great days.

Thursday I did most of my workout and made a huge pot of soup with onion, carrots, celery, cabbage, corn, pumpkin, ground turkey and plant based sausage. It turned out great. There are two people that work in our building that we always share with. One is an older, single gentleman and the other is a widow who lost her cook. They were happy too!

Friday I was able to do my entire workout! Karen had brought home a bag of onions that I would not have bought but I knew it wasn’t all bad so I cut off the ugly parts and sliced them up. I added butter and pepper and let the slow cook in the crockpot for hours and we have caramelized onions for everything! We had planned to go look at Christmas lights but we both pushed our workouts a bit so instead we massaged AromaTouch into each other’s backs and did facials and eye masks.

Today I boiled a bunch of hard boiled eggs…a staple in our house…and then I took the bag of apples someone gave us and chopped them up in the crockpot, added some Wild Orange oil and cinnamon and it is becoming apple sauce at this very moment! It smells so good in here. Karen has had several days off from work so we have had to adjust spending so much time together. Today I made her soak her feet. She loved it. At one point Xavier was complaining at us. He had everything he needed…eventually I got done putting the laundry away and said: Mama when you are not here, we do our chores until we are tired and take a nap…Xavier jumped on the bed and moved to his blanket at her feet and we all took a nap.

Tonight we will probably stream a movie and tomorrow I will tackle some of the cleaning that has waited while I cooked for 3 days.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Another Great Day

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 14, 2021 | Cancer, Life

Today was a great day! I needed this. The last week has been a struggle. Especially Saturday, Sunday and Monday. My body has recovered from my procedure well but as my body gets used to balancing hormones it has been hard. I had my post op appointment today and the NP I spoke with told me to pay attention to when that happens and how frequently. I may need to talk to my psychiatrist if the big swings keep happening. We may need to adjust my mood stabilizers.

I thought I had gained my weight back because I have not been able to exercise and my seatbelt is tighter but I found I lost another 5 lbs. The NP said I could still have gas used during the surgery trapped in my body and even have some swelling that is normal. I am down 25 lbs since September and down 45 lbs from my top weight. I am shocked and relieved that my body is doing so well.

When we were done at Legacy we went to Jamie’s place. It was great to see her! We had a delicious meal: roasted sweet potatoes with pesto, grits, uncured bacon and fried cage free eggs. Yum! We also watched Clifford the Big Red Dog. I have not laughed or watched Karen laugh so much in a long time. This visit was really needed…. and I highly recommend this movie!

Jamie gifted me with a new mug. She has a matching one. We will pray for each other when we use them…I was really wanting a new mug. Jamie always knows how to touch my heart!

I know God is good and faithful all the time, even when I cannot see it. This is a beautiful promise I can fall back on when I am super tired. I will need this because I found out I will have to have a D & C every 3 months until no cancer is found and then every 6 months for at least 2 times after that. The bills are starting to come in and I am so thankful for insurance but I am a little overwhelmed with the the thought of how long it will take me to pay my part, especially since I will continue to need these small surgeries. I am thankful that all my doctors take payments and I may be eligible for grants for the big stuff… I will keep reminding myself that God is good, faithful and gracious all the time.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

3 Days Post Surgery…

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 4, 2021 | Cancer, Life

It has been 3 days post surgery. I am getting around fine, but I know I can’t do what I was able to do before my surgery and that is hard on me. It is amazing how you can work hard to create a healthy habit, like working out every day and then something happens and you have to take a break…and you feel a little lost.

Wednesday was quite the day. I did my workout and took my second antibacterial shower…that soap has been long thrown away…We made it to Good Sam in Portland in good time, considering a semi truck rolled in the area along the way. That truck was pretty badly torn up. I hope the driver is ok.

Waiting…I am ok with it but sometimes I get impatient. I spent a lot of time in a waiting room and then more in the room where they get your prepped for surgery…3.5 hours to be exact. No music. No TV. Hardly room between patients. Not fun. My phone is on its last leg so I couldn’t use it, in case I had to actually make a call so I was on my own. I admired the cleaning woman that worked very hard. The whole time I was in there, she was scrubbing or mopping or moving furniture. She looked to be maybe a little older than Karen. I was impressed.

My nurses were great. I was surprised how many of them thanked me for getting my COVID-19 test before the surgery…I guess people just don’t do it and they have to have the test done prior to surgery and slow things down…That is so impractical…I didn’t even notice the IV until she had already taken 3 vials of blood. My doctor finally showed up to let me know that the woman before me took longer than expected. That helped me get over my boredom. I hope she is ok too. Everyone seemed surprised when I told them that Karen was probably in the parking garage, although Good Sam is in a great area with shops and restaurants, I knew Karen would not leave. She had even been invited over to Jamie‘s but, still I knew she would not leave…and she never did…

I was told by the anesthesiologist that he would just use the same IV they were giving my fluids through so they wouldn’t need to use a breathing tube. I liked that idea. His nurse was great too. As I was falling asleep she was asking me about what I wanted for Christmas: the bills paid and larger place to live…

I awoke in a stressful situation. The recovery room was filled with people, very close together. The ceiling was covered in rails for the many curtains and I was crying. At first I didn’t realize it was me crying, but I kept hearing people say: Who is Karen?

That part is normal for me. I have been under anesthesia before and woke up in an anxiety attack, crying for Karen…but that time COVID-19 was not a barrier and Karen was quickly summoned. I am pretty sure anyone in ear shot, knew that Karen was super important to me and that I loved her…because that is what I kept saying. I wasn’t totally aware, but I knew enough to not ask about Jamie and Xavier…they were also on my mind. Eventually my personal nurse, told me, it was his job to get me well enough to get me to Karen. He was the one that kept telling people Karen was my wife…He was a very nice man. His words helped me focus. He coached me on deep breathing, because you can’t do deep breathing and stay in an anxiety attack and that would be helpful to everyone.

When they moved me to the next recovery room, they didn’t talk to me much but I heard the nurse tell other people, they couldn’t leave until they could urinate. That became my new goal…I couldn’t get the hand rail down on my bed, and that was the only thing that kept me confined. As soon as the nurse in this department came by I was asking to use the bathroom. After I finished with that, I refused to get back on the bed and was dressed in a very impressive amount of time…Scott my first recovery nurse had given me both an injection and pills before I left him, so I was feeling no pain and with my cane in hand, I am used to overcome dizziness.

The new nurse asked if I could at least wait for her to call Karen and get my after surgery instructions. Lucky for all of them, that didn’t seem to be too much to ask for and a nurse came with a wheel chair very quickly, because I was prepared to walk out on my own the minute she handed me my discharge papers. I was dizzy and a bit dingy but I was determined to get to Karen. When Karen saw me she jumped out of the car to help me into the car, but I just wanted to hug her. I heard people in the background awing…so it must have seemed sweet to them…It just felt natural to me.

…and then we came home. Xavier was glad to see us. He was a little put out that I was too tired to brush him and give his coconut oil to him, our nightly routine, but he could tell I was sick. He had been so sweet to me for a few days. He knew something was up.

My throat hurt so bad. I didn’t understand this. The next day a nurse called to check on me and I told her that my throat was very sore and raw and I had a terrible bruise on my left shoulder; I thought maybe they had a hard time moving me, or something. She explained that if after being given the regular amount of anesthesia, if I kept moving, they would have put a breathing tube in so they could sedate me more. She also said they filled my body with gas to create more room to work and that gas often follows nerves, which is probably why I had a swollen and bruised spot on my shoulder. I had told Jamie about my throat and she was sure they had given me a breathing tube, even if that wasn’t in the original plan…with my nervous energy…the description of what probably happened, sounded reasonable.

I have been sleeping a lot. I decided to not fill the prescription of oxy. I know if I do that I will push myself too hard and maybe hurt myself. My body has been through enough I am tired of giving access to my body to others, so I need to be careful…and if you know me, limits are not something I enjoy…this is a trial too.

We had a friend that sent us some money for food. I had made a huge pot of soup, but it was such a treat to take advantage of pasta night at Mary’s Bar and Grill. Yum! I am glad I made the soup, it has been nice to just heat it up and eat. I am really not feeling a lot of hunger yet, but I have to eat with several of my pills so I know I need to eat something when it is time to take those pills.

I am hoping I feel better enough to don my compression pants and take a short walk tomorrow. I am getting antsy. Without my methotrexate, I am having more pain, but luckily I can have my tincture again, so sleeping at night is easier.

We found out I lost another 5 lbs before my surgery, so that is a positive thing and another reason to not let my good habit wain for too long. I never did see my doctor before I left. Maybe I was too impatient…or maybe she doesn’t see patients after surgery…I don’t know…but I will see her on the 14th and I am sure she will give a recap of what happened and the next steps.

I am not looking forward to seeing her again…but we did make plans to visit Jamie afterwards so we could all watch Clifford the Big Red Dog…that sounds fun.

Here is to another great day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Pray For Each Other

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 1, 2021 | Life

Surgery day. I never realized how much has to be done to prepare for surgery! I spent the last 2 days cleaning, doing laundry and removing jewelry. I did my workouts both days, just as I will do in a few minutes. I don’t care for the antibacterial soap I had to wash with last night and don’t look forward to today. It dries me out, but Karen makes it fun.

All clothes and bedding has been washed. I made a crockpot of cabbage and beef soup yesterday so I don’t have to worry about meals for several days. I even made sandwiches and salads.

I am ready to be lazy for a few days. I am not making light of my situation but my therapist gave me kudos for rolling with what comes next. She asked me if I anticipate anything and I told her, I have so much to do that I handle one thing at a time and rest when I am tired.

I suppose I could be stressed but that never ends well…and actually in light of my sister, Jamie’s, latest news from the doctor, I just have to focus on what I can do and be thankful. So many people have terrible things to deal with just because they do. I am choosing optimism and peace.

Please pray for each other. This world needs it.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Being Thankful

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 23, 2021 | Life

Today was a good and THANKFULL day!

After 2-3 hours of sleep I did my workout and was dressed and ready to leave at 9 am…not my normal routine but today was pre-op day. We traveled to Legacy Salmon Creek and spent about 2 hours there.

When we were done there, we popped in for lunch with Jamie Holloway. It was great to see her. I am so glad she has been prescribed mobile oxygen for her trips to doctor appointments! She looks great and I know as she heals from her surgery she will get even better. Considering they had to address both her lower and upper trachea and her stoma, her voice is strong. I am so proud of her!
We didn’t stay long because I also had an appointment to see my rheumatologist. So we headed back to PeaceHealth. I had a good visit with Dr Fitzgerald. She wants me to skip my methotrexate the week before and after my surgery. I have appreciation for her sense of humor, although I have never had a doctor tell me to: “Get ready for pain.”

We walked in the door as Xavier’s alarm to be fed went off. Xavier has IBS and is a compulsive eater so we feed him small portions every 6 hours. He was very happy to see us. He also enjoyed talking a nap with me.

I did a lot today and I hurt from head to toe; even my eyeballs hurt. But Karen brought home steak so I made that with herbed potatoes and Brussels sprouts…then I grabbed my kitchen shears and hacked up our turkey.

At this point our turkey is in 4 ziplock bags covered in a dry rub of old bay, sea salt, pepper, garlic powder and dried parsley. Tomorrow I will put the contents of 3 bags into the crockpot on a bed of onions and garlic to slow cook all day! We are doing our dinner tomorrow and I am excited! I carmelized onions yesterday that became part of tonight’s dinner and will also be used with green beans for a side. I will make a Dutch Apple pie tomorrow too. We will splurge and have some Stovetop stuffing because it is yummy and with only two of us, I am not going to make anything fancier.

On Thursday, while Karen is at work I will throw the back of the turkey in the crockpot to make broth that will become leftover soup. My favorite part of Thanksgiving leftovers!

Jamie’s caregiver is an immigrant from the Ukraine and her family eats very little meat. She didn’t seem to be excited to make turkey. She said her family doesn’t enjoy turkey, so I told her that we cannot know the entire menu at the first Thanksgiving, but Jamie is right, they probably ate fish…I told her, I thought the point of Thanksgiving was to enjoy our loved ones and focus on what we are thankful for…if turkey doesn’t make you feel thankful, you can always choose something that makes you feel thankful. She seemed to appreciate my viewpoint, no matter what you eat for your feast, I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving Day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.