There should be a difference between our public and personal behaviors. There are things I do at home that I would never do in public. The same with public health guidelines and personal choices.
We must own our behaviors and choices and stop being defensive, while knowing that the same right I have to believe or live in a certain way, is also your right too. We don’t have to agree but we should be respectful.
We also don’t all have to be friends. If my beliefs and choices offend you, and you have discussed it with me, and I don’t accommodate you, you have the right to choose how much of your time you want to give me; as I also have the same right to choose how much time I want give you.<
You don’t have to own the weight of my choices. You don’t have to change me. Your responsibility is to your physical and mental health and to learn and respect your boundaries. If you choose to give your time and energy to others, own that too.
We are all dealing with personal issues from our past and present. It is ok to not engage with people that make you tired or feel defensive. These people may not mean to steal from you, but if someone cannot be enough for themselves and they purposefully or inadvertently take your energy, you have the right to be your best person separately from them.
People that make you tired are not getting the best you either…you eventually will abuse them in your exhaustion even if you don’t want to. I have experienced being the abuser on both sides: I have taken too much and I have defended myself to the detriment of others and myself…even with people I love.
I have reasons for wearing or not wearing a mask, getting a vaccine or not, eating in restaurants or not…or any other behaviors that might trigger you. I don’t have to share these with you. You don’t have to explain yourself to me either; however we must respect each other enough to not abuse each other for our choices and choose how much time we will give to each other.
There have been many lovely people that I have wanted to have a closer relationship with, that never worked out. It didn’t work because our paths were different and we had to choose where we used our time. These choices had nothing to do with the level of respect we had for each other.
Each person has only enough energy for a certain amount of relationships based on how they live, work and view relationships. Karen and I are intense people. One thing we have in common is how we view relationships, although we may interact with the people around us very differently based on our perspectives, personalities and energy levels. Our relationship with each other is paramount to any other, except our God. We have an extreme need for a higher level of privacy than many people we have met and we each have about 2 extremely close friends, about 2 close friends and everyone else is an acquaintance at varying levels. We don’t do this because we don’t love people but because we do love people and highly value relationship and we are hard workers that have to balance our responsibility to our work, personal and family relationships. I also have many chronic illnesses that affect our choices on how we use our time. I am assuming everyone must decide how they use their time, energy and devotion and I know that everyone has different levels of what they can give and receive from the world.
Society paints an illusion that we must be the same with everyone in many versions of codependent experiences and expectations. This is not true. If you cannot or won’t do a certain thing that I find vital to my existence, it is ok. I don’t disregard your freedom to live your life. It is yours and mine is mine. We don’t have to set fire to each other because we don’t live the same way. We only need to give each other the grace to live knowing that some decisions we make will keep others outside our space and we can choose to stay out of other people’s spaces if they do not align with what we need to be successful.
My choices, behaviors, beliefs are mine and yours are yours. This is how we love our neighbor as ourself. Jesus told us to give freely, not to the detriment to ourself and others. I give everything I have until I have to stop. Sometimes I feel loss because I don’t have what others need. Sometimes I feel loss because I don’t have enough for my own needs. This is part of the limitation of being human. Love as much as you can. It is ok to say no.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
This morning, for the first time in almost 2 weeks, I had the energy to lay Karen‘s clothes out for work, tidy up, make coffee and Karen’s lunch (including scrubbing her lunch box), check email and try to get Karen out of bed in time to grab a real breakfast before her long shift at Safeway…
I had this great post planned in my head as I was lying in bed with my family, enjoying the moment. There was a moment that my hand fit in Karen’s and Xavier was lying on my chest with his paw on my cheek. It was sweet. One moment where we were all holding onto each other. I got some great sleep last night, even before I fell asleep it was sweet and silly. I have been really sick all month and I finally decided to stop living with the pain and vape a bit of high CBD so I could relax. I have been using the same cartridge I bought in September 2019, so I obviously don’t do this often.
That great post is gone now but I will try for something great…
Last night ended up being great night! I couldn’t talk and that made me laugh. I could feel my body letting go of the tension, first in my face and head, then my hands and then slowly, my midsection. Xavier decided to lay on my stomach for a while and it seemed like much longer than usual. He and I are both very anxious creatures so he generally does a check in and then gets overly stimulated and has to walk away for a bit. He is terrified of being under blankets so if I put my hands under the blanket he leaves. But last night he was happy to sit and purr and didn’t care if I slipped under the blankets. I was pretty inebriated so I can only gauge how long the visit was by the amount of time he spent on me while we watched SNL…even by that measurement, it was a longer and more peaceful sit than we have had in a long time. I think he must have been enjoying my calm.
I have been miserable for the entire month of January. It seemed like all my chronic conditions each wanted to host their own rager…I have a lot of them so it has been quite the ride. I was never much of a partier so I am ready for peace. That said it has been a month of total blessings right along with the trials. Although I have been dealing with symptoms that left me exhausted, and in fact the last two weeks I have hardly been able to stay awake long enough to use the restroom and drink ridiculous amounts of water. The inflammation in my abdomen had effected all of me so I was forcing myself to eat small amounts, in order to just have enough calories to function. I could not cook or do the laundry or any of the things I do to maintain our home and Karen as she works her 2 jobs, on top of trying to keep Wellness Works NW open during a pandemic and all that implies, so Karen had those things on her shoulders too, which I feel bad about but she says I shouldn’t…
As I could do little but sleep, I would pray. I couldn’t sit up long enough to read my bible so I figured I would use the time to just talk with God as He inspired me to. During my moments of lucidity here are just a few things that bless my so much!
I crashed yesterday. You can only try to maintain through pain so long…While I have been sick I have been having lots of nightmares. I would wake up and talk to God about them. Most of my nightmares are either real events I have lived through or symbolic of real trauma situations or relationships. I don’t want to hold people guilty for things they can’t undo, especially when I know they are just as exposed, if not more, to emotional neglect, mental and physical abuse…I can’t hold someone guilty forever without hurting myself and I don’t want to hurt them either. Most of these people are smart, good, hard working people and they were just surviving; the neglect and abuse, no matter how much it hurt me, was in most cases, just them living the way they know how to live.
But I keep hearing a moment in Blue Bloods (Season 10, Episode 16) where Erin says to her ex-husband, Jack, “You hurt me.”
They say a few more lines and then Jack asks her how he is supposed to respond and Erin says, “You aren’t.”
There is a universal truth to this conversation. Many times when people hurt each other, it is only our responsibility to handle our pain. The truth is there are people who hurt me. I know I have hurt them too. The revelation seems fresh to me, however it isn’t. I carry pain inside me that has been with me forever. I don’t mean to. Scientists have proven that our muscles have memory and we carry our trauma with us. Even if that is true, I want to be honest with myself so that I can walk forward and not worry about the past. God wants me to live in the moment. In Genesis 19, Lot’s wife became a pillar of salt when she looked back as they fled for their lives. God told them not to look back. She may have become overwhelmed by the very site of God raining down His punishment on Sodom and Gomorrah but either way the woman lost her life because she looked back instead of living in the moment, like God said. I don’t want to be like Lot’s wife.
I also really want Jesus to bless these people who aren’t with me right now. I want them to be healthy, successful and happy. I don’t want to make a painful situation worse.
Besides this revelation, I had another this week: I have had migraines since at least 6th grade and I didn’t know it. I have a ridiculous pain threshold. I thought the whooshing sound I heard in my head was a hallucination or stress because I never had a heart attack or stroke and they usually happen when I am torqued. I had been checking my temperature and Karen had been checking my pulse and they were normal as it sounded like troops marching in my ears and felt like someone was shoving golf balls through the veins at the base of my neck. I felt sorry for my 10-year-old self who had way too much responsibility. I had to fight back the guilt laden tapes of people begging me to go to the doctor when I was a girl, that I rebelled against because it was the only thing I could control and I would not be allowed to go alone and I didn’t want to be the reason for someone else’s mental break because I wasn’t the child they wanted or needed me to be. I had read the Mayo Clinic website several times trying to take in what it had to say while memories of my younger self flushed over me.
Another reason for my crash, besides the normal stress of living in a hotel and trying to find housing, being chronically ill, both physically and mentally, COVID-19, politics and all the other normal challenges of life is a choice I made. I kept seeing this #senioryearchallenge and I know I needed to stay clear of it. I knew it would not help me. But in a moment of being sick and wanting to find a way to feel less disconnected I answered the questions.
Class of: 1993
I know it seems harmless enough but it opened a chasm of old tapes, feelings and partial memories; kind of like a volcano of hurt.
Every time I have a hurt or a memory or dream I try to give to to God ASAP. I really do. My brain and body have lived through things they can’t forget. I can tell myself it isn’t happening anymore, it wasn’t as bad for me as other people I know, but even that seems like not honoring myself. There are people in my past that wanted me to be like their version of me and they refused to acknowledge that it is ok to not like a certain item, regardless of the great deal they got on a such a high quality item or how thankful they think I should be for whatever they are trying to make me want. On a normal day I can move on. When you are sick it is really hard to get out of your head…Although I tried. I texted a few young adults I know, how proud of them I am. I searched Facebook for people to pray for. I listed good things that had happened in the last few days. I told God how amazing and MAJESTIC He is…
When Karen got home, I lost it. I can’t cry right now. I have had a migraine for a week now and crying with a migraine really FUCKING hurts! (I am sorry there is just no other way to put it) I also knew that with this chasm of old feelings freshly exposed, my tears, if they started, would get out of control and 45 years of soul wrenching sobs would scare the other guests here and I know there are children here. I wont hurt a child, if I can help it…So I threw myself on the bed and surrounded myself with pillows and tried to breathe and let my body convulse. In case you didn’t know, twitching is an anxiety response. Xavier meowed to let me know he was near but he was going to stay out of my way and my beloved stood ready to help and then honored my request to ignore me because I just had to deal with myself. I could hear my family watching TV and playing together (they are awesome) while I thanked God for holding me. It is the biggest anxiety attack I have had in a long time. When it was quiet I realized the prayers, essential oils, my tincture and all the tools I have learned in therapy were not enough and I quietly asked my wife to go buy me a new battery for my vape pen and she did.
We ate a quiet dinner. I got all our medications and supplements in their sorters for the week and made the bed ready for collapsing in and told Karen whatever didn’t get done by 11:30 pm didn’t need to be done…Karen really enjoys Saturday Night Live…she even went outside with me, although she would never use cannabis for any reason and then she helped me walk back inside. I think she really enjoyed this part because I was giggling so much. Even though I was really intoxicated, I realized how much I have healed in the last few years. It has been a year since I vaped and I never giggled like that, since I was 20 and not using cannabis for medical reasons. 🙂
I slept so well! When I did wake up it wasn’t from a nightmare but God was whispering to me, “Here and Now.” I am still only at about 85% but if you made it this far I want to thank you. Not only did you bother to read this short novel, but I want to convey that with the bad there is positive if you really look for it. The hurts I have would not be so terrible if there weren’t so many good memories that make me miss the people that I can’t be with because I am not able to make healthy choices in their presence. Or if I didn’t respect that they have the right to be themselves and they don’t have to want to change to make me better. Being in an EPIC flare was filled with sweet moments with Jesus, talking about people I love and thanking Him for choosing to save me and love me. Even in all the turmoil, Karen and I have continued to support and praise each other for our successes while being authentic and honoring of each other…even though I can often hear venom in my voice which is only because I am suffering and that is what pain sounds like.
I still maintain that I am a blessed woman. I hope you know you are blessed too.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
This article is based on my opinion as well as information I gained through web series I took part in in July of 2020 called LGBTQ+ Cultural Competency Workshop. This workshop was sponsored by Lambert House, Healing Bridge, PFLAG, PFLAG SW WA, Connect BG and Wonderfully Made. You may want skip this article if you don’t like people who might be different from you.
God please help me write this the way my heart is feeling it because for some reason it seems so hard.
Years ago I met a person who was trying to tell me something about themself, but I could not hear them. I still thought the world was very black and white. I am not sure where I learned this but it was a reality for me. Black and white thinking is not very inclusive.
The definition of inclusiveness is an aura or environment of letting people in and making them feel welcome.An example of inclusiveness is when you make your home a comfortable place for all of your friends, family, guests and people you meet.
When we are thinking about whether or not you are practicing being inclusive we need to ask ourselves some questions:
These are universal questions. When you have the answer for yourself, the next step is to consider whether you are giving what you need to others in an open-handed way that allows them the freedom to express themselves. One thing, I think is universally true is that people like to be heard. They don’t like to be invited into someone’s space, and have no room to be themselves, be allowed to speak and be empathized with.
I know it the past I was not able to hear people who were trying to express that they had a burden and they wanted to share it with me. They were not asking me to hold it for them or take it from them, they just wanted to show it to me and know that they were safe with me to just sit in their honesty.
Do you know how I know this? As I have gotten older, I came to the realization that I had to know my identity; the one I was born with that maybe I didn’t know how to look at or foster in myself. This same identity that maybe no one else knew how to look at it or foster, or they just didn’t want to.
Read: A Letter to a Younger Me – AKA 16 Things I Know
What I have come to understand is that my identity is mine and it includes many aspects: dreams, beliefs & philosophies, sex, gender identity, gender expression, orientation are only a few and each one has their own importance. These aspects can only be identified by me and no one else, just as I can only listen and hear what others are saying to me and choose what I will do with it.
Many years ago, I had a conversation with someone about their gender identity. I can’t seem to shake it. I think about it often so I decided to sit with what I know. What I came up with is this: I didn’t let them tell me their truth without interrupting them and defining them in my black and white knowledge.
I know there are people, who will say: Summer, you are a Christian. How can you not tell people the truth?
My answer is this: Jesus is the truth and the life. It is His job to define my identity and salvation. It is His job to change people. It is not my job to tell people their truth. It is my job to love people with Christ’s love. If He thinks they are wrong, He will show them in His amazing way. But who am I to define someone else?
Now, before someone says: Summer, what about people who are breaking the law? I am not talking about that, I am talking about someone’s identity. If someone else’s identity is hurting me, than I might really have a problem within myself, not them. I know I used to have issues with other people’s identity and, for me, it was because I didn’t know my own identity because I had never thought to consider it and what makes me who I am.
For the last 20 years or so, I have looked at myself as honestly as I can. I have questioned myself. I have questioned God about myself. I am sure I will keep doing this for the rest of my life, since the bible says that if I believe Jesus is the Son of God, than He abides in me (1 John 4:15), and I want to know Jesus, and that is a relationship that was created before the foundation of the world (Romans 8:29) and it will definitely not end any time soon.
What have a learned? I have learned that I am always changing. I am always thinking and learning. To be the same would mean that I was stagnant and I never want to be that. The only thing that never changes is Christ’s love in me…but what that means to me and how I react to it that just keeps getting deeper and deeper…
Be as well as you can be, my friends…
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
Note: If you leave comments that are not open-minded questions or statements we can discuss in order to better understand each other, calmly and in a loving manner and you do not include your name and email address, to facilitate conversation, you will not see them posted on this blog. I welcome conversations and questions, but I will not be abused and I will not allow abusive language on my personal blog. If you read something you don’t like on my blog, please pray for me.
If you are living with a chronic physical or mental illness you understand the word: Trigger. It is important because once you know your triggers you can better protect yourself from episodes or flares. My main triggers are: angry people, fighting voices and being lied to, weather changes, smoke and mildew, nightshade fruits and vegetables, additives, food coloring and certain cooking oils. There are more but those are the biggest…oh the joys of chronic illness!
As I peruse certain social media sites and news broadcasts I think most of society has a few trigger words: Trump, Biden, Inslee and Racism are just a few.
Trump is president until he is not….
I want to share something with you. I had an emotional break when Trump became president. I disassociated for I don’t know how long. The very sound of his voice or his name would cause me to have an anxiety attack. It wasn’t until the last year that I have been able to call him President Trump. You can judge me or listen to me…that is your choice…your opinion of me is none of my business….
Over the last few years, I have prayed for President Trump. I have watched him grow a little bit. I don’t hate him and I have found a few things to respect about him.
I am writing this for people who don’t know they can refuse to watch tv tonight. I am writing this for people who are so stressed out and on edge about what will happen. I am telling you, it doesn’t matter what is going to happen tonight. I am ready for a full-on fight to the Supreme Court and hoping for a peaceful ending.
No matter, who you are voting for, President Trump is president until he is not. Radical acceptance is a life-saver to me and I want to share it with you. We will not die and our lives will not change that much in the next few months, regardless of who wins.
So if he is not your choice, or even if he is, I want to tell you, you have a right to not turn the tv on. You can read a book, play with your kids, stream from your favorite service or watch DVDs..I am thinking Hulu is where I will be tonight and probably the next few nights because I am a hypersensitive person and I have to protect myself from the chaos of the American people who are acting out.
This post is not about who our president is. It is about choosing how much chaos I want to ingest. Stress kills people too. I think people have forgotten that not everything is about any one person, even if that person is the president or not. I am not advocating for any candidate. I am advocating for good mental health.
God bless you.
I am so surprised by some of the responses from people who did not understand that I was talking about my personal experience and mental health. All they wanted to do was use my wall to share their opinions on the candidates. This made me sad.
My good friend, Jamie, told me, not too long ago, that emotions are a choice. Now, I had come to understand that Joy and Peace are choices because the bible says so, often, to choose them but I hadn’t considered that all emotions are choices and we don’t have to be run by them. I have been trying to learn this well.
In the homea I was raised in, certain things were not my choice…So many things that I didn’t even realize many other choices were available to me as well. So I am trying to catch up. I have been told I am very immature for my age, by some people and very mature by others. I will be 45 on my next birthday and even though I don’t really mind what others think about me, unless they are working to have a healthy relationship with me, I do want to catch up to what I think a 45-year-old woman should be able to comprehend and process in a healthy manner.
I come from people who enjoy being angry. I am not sure they would agree with that statement but I know how long it has taken me to understand that I can choose to be angry or I can choose to be something else, and I want to celebrate that. Even my therapist was happy with me when I told her how I had chosen to not engage with someone for a fight, but remained calm and waited for them to make that choice too. When people are angry all the time, it is easy to fight. I can’t afford to fight.
When I allow myself to become angry, I am not in control of myself. I am not hearing or listening. I am just angry and sometimes it takes days for me to come back down. The result is to lose time where I could be at peace and productive; it is also a flare. When my emotional health is out of wack, it triggers fibromyalgia, who will engage psoriatic arthritis and lymphedema (who is always kind of a bitch anyway) and then the list of possible painful and potentially embarrassing symptoms fight over who will enter the door first…and they always stay too long. I look at this as a blessing because it forces me to choose peace, which is what my soul really wants.
Can you relate to any of this?
I am still telling myself: Trump is president until he is not…
That statement is not against him or for him, it is just a truth that I can find peace in because it is true. Even though the media is trying to engage us with rumors that Biden may have won the war over who presides in the White House, I am choosing to say: Trump is president until he is not….
I can’t do anything about our government, other than vote…and I did that. Worrying or being angry about the results will not make our government stronger and it sure wont make me stronger.
Our souls crave peace and some of us are so starved of it, we don’t know what it is anymore. Peace is that quiet, calmness that we can slip away to, inside ourselves. I have always enjoyed being alone, however I did not always have peace. In fact without my medication and mindfulness practices there is a screaming that overcomes me in my mind that distracts me and makes it hard for me to focus and make good choices. That screaming is deafening and aggravating and anxiety ridden. I have named her Anna and she is friends with Veda and those two do not make my life even slightly bearable. I named them because it is easier to love them if they have a name. I bet that sounds weird to you.
Love is the only thing that can overcome hate and anger. Acceptance of personal responsibility and rights is part of love that can be shared and given to ourselves.
How do you love yourself?
There is a camaraderie found in choosing a political party, not unlike choosing friends. But when our friends encourage us to hurt other people, would we continue to stay in that relationship? I don’t see a lot of wisdom in choosing one side. I value attributes of both sides, but I also abhor some of the behaviors I see on both sides. When I separate my emotions from what I see, it is easy for me to say that I am neither red or blue…I am not purple either…but more like a red, white and blue tie-dyed t-shirt with bursts of colors that dance together.
I am not setting any one person’s political choices on fire. I believe in the strength of the soldiers who have died to allow me the right to make my own choices without persecution. What I would like to do is shine a light on what is true. We have had 58 successful elections in our short life as the United States and only 45 presidents. I have never experienced the level of anger and hatred that I see now. Yes it was there, and it seems to have gotten more noticeable with every election since I can remember but not like now. Why is that?
My wife said something last night that caught my attention. I may be paraphrasing her badly but it was along the lines of this: We shouldn’t just be red or blue but we should be Red, White and Blue, the colors of our flag, because we are Americans before we are a political party. Karen and I don’t agree on everything politics but we do agree on this: We are Americans and we are lucky to be Americans and we should not be fighting each other.
So if you are reading this and you never knew it before: You have a choice. You have lots of choices. Don’t let the media or the masses stop you from hearing the quiet place inside you. If you don’t have a quiet place, please find someone to talk to. We were not made to fight. We were made to be in relationship with each other. We were made for peace.
It’s ok to take your finger off of the trigger.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
I am so angry and sad right now. I am thankful too. Chronic Illness is a bitch. She is ruthless and steals good things from people. I am angry because too many people don’t have enough options. I am sad because people I love are losing things that are important to them. I am thankful because my wife made sure that I didn’t miss my anxiety meds yesterday.
For people who are healthy or maybe are able to ignore their ailments it may be hard to have compassion on people who can’t. Loss is part of life but when you are chronic it can be a daily thing. It is exhausting to have to try so hard every day to be productive when you spend your time maneuvering around your circumstances. Strangers can be heartless. Strangers can also be amazing. You never know which one you will meet. I suppose that is true for everyone but when you are chronic you are always worried and you don’t need to worry about if people are kind or not. You are busy worrying about how you measure up, will your body or mind embarrass you, will you be a burden, will your needs cause discomfort to someone. It is easier to stay home. What if you don’t have a home? What if you have an addiction that you haven’t learned how to control yet?
I am being so generic right now. It tears my heart out when I hear someone say anything about people who are hurting, whether they are chronic, homeless, an addict, or variant from what society deems is the norm. You don’t know the energy it may have taken for any person around you to be there. I am sure there are more generous people out there than the ones I see posting selfish, hateful things on social media…but the squeaky wheel sure can throw me into an episode…
This morning I have had news of losses for 2 of my beloved friends. You spend a lot of time mourning when you are chronic and not just for yourself but the people you love who are also chronic. It becomes like an old sweater you keep because you are used to it. Even if it is worn out and doesn’t look like it did when you first got it. It is familiar.
I bought this old sweater, in the picture, when I was 20. I have had it almost 25 years. I have gone through a lot with this sweater. At some point it became a comfort to me and I began sleeping with it wrapped around my neck. It reminded me of the purple panda bear someone had made for my younger sister when she was born. She didn’t like him but I fell in love with Concord Grape, that is what we named him because he was made of two shades of purple wool. I took him everywhere. As he fell apart, I would keep a piece of him in my pocket and run my fingers over the scratchy fibers. When I was about 10 years old, my mom threw him away. I was heart-broken. Nana bought me a new bear that Christmas. Theodore E Bear is great, but he was nothing like Concord Grape. As a young adult, I went through a lot of Motrin and aspirin and I was starting to have panic attacks in my sleep. Even then, Fibromyalgia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD were starting to become something I couldn’t ignore. That sweater helped me a lot.
My sweater has traveled everywhere I have gone because when I forgot it, I couldn’t sleep. I remember the first time one of my nephews called it my blankie. I wanted to be a grown-up and grown-ups don’t have blankies…but he was right and even though I call it my sweater, it is, in fact my blankie. As it began falling apart, I would keep parts of my sweater in different bags so I could run my fingers over the scratchy wool and be comforted.
In 2014, I got the flu. It was worse than I had ever experienced and the cellulitis that I had been nursing without medical help for years went from a patch around most of my left ankle to my leg looking like I had dipped it in boiling bbq sauce up to my thigh. Karen, who was my good friend and business partner took me to the hospital where I stayed for 5 days getting very strong antibiotics. She never left my side. That was when I really began falling apart. I had to address my symptoms that had become impossible to ignore.
I don’t think I took my sweater with me to the hospital but I did take my best friend, who refused to leave my side. Karen even stayed with me when I came home because I could not care for my wounds. Somewhere in there we realized we were more than friends and were married. She is my favorite teddy bear now, but I still sleep with this sweater.
About a year ago I collected all the pieces of my sweater I could find and binge watched Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and Little House on the Prairie while I sewed all the pieces together. I kept the collar and tags to remind me of when it was actually a sweater, but it looks more like a blankie than ever. It was healing to me to sew all the pieces together. I find crocheting and sewing by hand very calming to me and I have lovingly sewn many blankies and teddy bears back together for children I love, it was kind of like me doing something loving for myself. I had to be creative with some of the pieces. My sweater is no longer 100% wool. I used whatever thread I had on hand so now it is also acrylic, polyester and cotton and like my monthly therapy sessions, I have to spend time mending my sweater too.
A couple weeks ago, I was watching Red Table Talk while I repaired a few tears in my sweater and it occurred to me that I am like this sweater. Many of the original fibers are there but, much like the threads holding my sweater together, my lifestyle changes have not only changed the shape of my life but they hold me together.
My self-care includes daily anaerobic exercises, donning of heavy duty compression hose because of lymphedema in my left leg (some traumas don’t go away), flushing of my sinuses, specific amounts of water every day, and exclusion of foods I can’t eat anymore. I take medications and (lots of) supplements at 11 am, 2:30 pm, 5 pm and 11 pm. I use essential oils to help manage some symptoms. I use a 5:1 ratio tincture and topical ibuprofen and lots of distraction and mindfulness to manage pain. I also make time to mend my sweater while I watch Red Table Talk or listen to my favorite podcasts: Joyce Meyer Enjoying Everyday Life and Elevation with Steven Furtick. And I nap and pray as necessary.
I pray for myself but mostly for the people I know are suffering with their own chronic issues because it is very hard to never know what you will wake up to that day. You learn to be ridged with other people and fluid with yourself because it is the only way to survive. My body and mind create enough drama for me. I have nothing for people who let chaos reign in their life.
I was so angry when I started out. I asked Jesus to take the anger and help me mourn. I still feel so tired. I am always tired. But I am not angry anymore. I am still a little sad but my friends are powerful women and God has them. They have overcome more than this. When we are done on this earth we will be with Jesus and that is a comfort.
I implore you to turn the news off today. You wont miss anything important. Find a quiet moment and be thankful for your loved ones, your home, your job…whatever comes to mind. If you think of someone who you know is struggling, say a prayer or send good thoughts, whatever your belief allows. Find some peace. It is not outside yourself, I promise you.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
Dear Younger Me (and anyone who wants to read this),
I am writing this letter to you as a celebration. As I round the bend toward be alive 45 years, I realize how far I have come. I never thought I would live beyond 32 years old; I am not sure where I got that idea but it was something a 14-year-old version of myself believed. The last 13 years have been a bonus and that is how I look at every year now.
Although I know that I am not like everyone else, I do know that I am not totally original. I hope that if you’re reading this that you find hope for yourself here. I have been called many names, as you may know, our favorite is wife and Auntie Summer…some of the other names aren’t worth mentioning and a few of them haven’t happened yet.
You are loved by me. We are learning, to be still and know that God’s love is infinite and sustained by Him. We are learning, even as I write this, that you do not know all the answers but you will never find them by defining anyone but you. In reality, the answers you really want, will only be shown to you by God when you are able to hear Him.
Not making a choice is still making a choice. When you let things happen without action, you have actually made the decision to not act. When you were a kid, this may have been someone else’s fault; as an adult your decisions are your responsibility. All choices have reaction some are no big deal, some will leave scars for the rest of your life…or someone else’s. Do not be complacent. God hates that.
Make choices that affect your future in a good way. Take the promotion in a new city. If you are meant to be in Longview again…it will happen…Don’t skip on a new adventure because you are afraid to go alone. Even the people closest to you, may not be there forever, no matter how much you want them to be, so don’t short-change yourself.
You will never measure up, be enough, or be able save ANYONE. You are not like others because you were created to see the world and people differently. You were created to feel with others and hear what your spirit leads you to. You have been scared of this because it is confusing but I promise, if you lean into God, He is the best Father and teacher you could ever hope for. These truths are meant to lead to you prayer and love for God and those He has sent to you, however you will be blessed too.
Our standards do not take away anything, from anyone else. If other people think that our truth takes something away from them, they should work on that without us to interrupt them. On the flip-side, other people’s standards are great for them. If other people can trust that we accept that each of us must live our own truth, then we can be friends as long as they are peace-seeking people…
Your inability to reach other people’s standards or even your own, is not failure. At your age, (I am considering my 17-year-old self) you may think this is criticism because that is what you know. What it actually is, if you can hear me, is the ticket to your freedom. When you embrace that you will never be what your family or friends want you to be, or that you will never be what the media or what you imagined was perfect, you can drop the veils you surround yourself with. You can stop working so hard to make others happy. You can let the words that you choose to accept from yourself and from others, that burn your soul, become like water on a duck’s back. You can become who God made you to be. Just yourself.
You can forgive. I know you think it is useless because when you forgive the people that hurt you, they just do it again but that is because you don’t understand that forgiveness does not change other people; it only changes you. You can start letting go of the old sadness and anger…it will take you a long time, so why not start now…I am still working on it. You will have more painful times but it is ok to give yourself time to feel your feelings and learn from them. When you hold the pain forever it becomes toxic and makes you bitter and sick. Just remember God never gave anyone the right to hurt you…but He loves the people that hurt you too…
You can choose who you spend your time with. Let the people who do not edify or lift you up, go…even those that you rely the most on. If they really love you, they will fight to come back. They will learn how you need to be loved and prove themselves worthy. It may take years for them to understand, heal, forgive, stop being afraid, and understand what you need, but they will succeed at being better so you can feel safe around them when they are ready to build a relationship with the actual you. Yes, you are hyper-sensitive, it might be easier to love other people who are not easily triggered by bright lights, sounds, smells and emotions but you are worthy of people that don’t take advantage of that. You can’t make people love you, regardless of how hard you try and conforming does not feed your spirit.
Trauma is relative to each person. Trauma is not always planned out acts. When you are hyper-sensitive what hurts you might not hurt other people. Also other people may not realize they have their own trauma that needs healing. “We are all equally scary people,” as Karen says. If you can’t stop bleeding all over someone, take care of your wounds before you infect someone else. When you feel like you can try with someone again, be prepared to be rejected, but hope for the best. God is healing them too and their process may be different then yours.
Although it has been drilled into your head that you are too fat or too something…to have the life you want, you must try to break those bad tapes. They are lies. Everything you really want will come true. The good and the bad things you want will happen because you are a spiritually powerful woman and God honors our words. Foster the good dreams and protect yourself from situations that make you want the bad. Your dreams will not look like what you thought they would…but God will give you every desire of your heart in His time and own way. When you feel hopeless, think about this until you can push forward again.
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. You will have to do this often. Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to mean fighting with people who like to fight. Sometimes standing up for yourself is walking away and letting people fight without you until they are ready to stop. It doesn’t make you wrong to decide to choose peace. It doesn’t mean they are bad or take anything away from them, except your presence and permission to be abused by their choices, or allowing them to be abused by your anger and resentment. They may not be trying to hurt you. They may not understand what you need. They may not be able to hear you when you ask for peace. They may not even know they are fighting and competing all the time. If they want to join you, they will change. It is ok to let people go if they are never ready to choose peace. You are not alone. God is with you always and He will never leave…accept for that week after you told Him to, “Fuck off.” If you haven’t got there yet, don’t worry, before the words can come out of your mouth, He will be back…that was the loneliest week of our life….but He is always present.
Advocate for yourself. Don’t be afraid to go to doctors, specialists and therapists. If they don’t hear you or if they are wrong, make sure you are heard. Remember you are different. Teach them that even though you don’t know how to fight for you, you are willing to learn. If they can’t answer your questions, find someone who can. Don’t be afraid of the pills that you need to be healthy. Learn about them. Learn what you can do to not need some of them. Be patient with yourself, like no one has been with you. It will take time but you will find the exercise, medications, foods and self-care it takes to quiet the storm that is inside you…some of your issues are related to your mental and physical health. It is not your fault. It just is part of your path.
Your gender, sexuality and identity are just fine. It is not bad to talk about them or seek out your truth. Even though you have been taught (or not taught) otherwise, you are beautiful just the way you are, God knows you. He loves you. God made the real you. So here are our truths: Our gender is Cis Female. Our sexuality is Demisexual. Our mind is Androgynous but we enjoy representing ourself as Feminine.
Wait for a partner that wants us and loves us as much as we love them. If we love them or want them more than they love or want us, we will not be able to make up for their lack. Love and want are not related to need. Need is a misrepresentation of love which is what we really want. Remember…we will never measure up to anyone else’s standards…so wait for the one who loves us as close to the example that Jesus has shared with us. You wont even start to understand this until you are at least 25…that is ok. Nana was right when she taught us to not waste our affections…Be patient and work hard on yourself and don’t worry about being alone forever. You wont realize that that crazy friend that you have trusted and loved for 10 years is the one God made for you until we are 38…and even then you wont totally get it…
Here is a mind-blower! Your time is not God’s time. God’s time is not limited to our understanding. If you are tired. Stop and rest. If you wear yourself out, who will be you? Let me tell you…I didn’t focus on you when I was young and had more energy and less pain. At this point, sometimes it takes all the energy I have to accomplish is our self-care. I am not talking about make up and hair…although we do enjoy trying new styles…What you look like on the outside is nothing if you don’t have peace and love for yourself. Get that couch off your back. Find time to think and feel. Do what makes you happy. Dig in the dirt. Read. Learn…this is your favorite thing to do!
Accept your feelings so you can heal, grow and love yourself. You don’t hate people; you hate yourself. You want to die, but you haven’t learned how to live. Spend more time learning how to love yourself so you don’t fall back on manipulating people.
No one owes you a thing but if they don’t treat you the way you want to be treated, it might be because they are seeing how you treat yourself or their way is the best they know. If their way is not helping you, then decide how much energy you want to give them. Give yourself the love you need…lean into God. He knows what He has planned for you.
Accept that you are just as guilty as you judge others to be. Every time you hurt, be honest about the situation. Did you manipulate them? Did you lie to them? Did you ignore them? Maybe your actions require repentance…which means confession, forgiveness and change on your part. You can’t change anyone but yourself…If you changed and they didn’t then decide how much of your time you will keep giving them.
I have noticed that when I share my viewpoints, sometimes, people respond as though I am challenging them to a fight. I have been asking God how I can better communicate with people. I want people to understand that most of what I say is my opinion. I stand by my opinions but I am also fluid with them once I have heard enough evidence to change them. When I voice my opinions or share my stories and experiences, I am not looking for a fight, but a discussion. Discussion allow for communication, understanding and growth. Fighting allows for noise and pain. I am trying to learn out how to speak to people so they know, I am still in the process of learning not to judge them or fight with them. When I share my thoughts and experiences it is for the purpose of growth on my part, and their part, if they are interested. Hearing people tell me no, or that I am wrong in a way that is kind and direct is welcome. I am waiting on God for His answer…it will take as much time as it takes for me to be able to hear the answer…but I have chewed on questions for years without an answer before. If I die before I hear Him…it wont be an issue anymore. 🙂
With all the interesting viewpoints, facts and feelings there are to experience enjoy your favorite thing. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep loving and make sure you love yourself first. It isn’t selfish, like we were taught. The extra love will overflow on the right people.
I am so thankful to God for coming to us when we were a little girl. I remember that day so clearly. We were 5-years-old, I was playing in my backyard, under the apple trees and suddenly we weren’t alone anymore. It was just that simple. We were baptized 2 years later because the church we went to needed to feel certain that we knew what we were talking about. Church has been a part of our life for as long as I can remember, but part of the problem is that I don’t remember everything. Trauma can do that to a person. At this point we don’t go to church because I am selfish with my Sundays. I also know distinctly that a church that is labeled affirming, is made of people who don’t know what to do with me and my wife. Change is a process. I know that we will be ready to try other churches eventually. We all have our process, don’t we?
Wherever you are in your process, do what you can to grow and enjoy life. Love yourself and God will love others through you. I wish you well.
Sincerely,
Summer
The following article is an editorial. This article is not meant to be fact but my own personal thoughts. Today we are all in pain. God bless your American Heart, we are in mourning, in my opinion, and the anger and fear of what might happen next is very understandable. In the last 5 months, we Americans, and the rest of the world have been through something most of us have only read about in books. On top of all this, politically, our country has been beat about the head and heart for so long…no matter what you believe politically, it is a general consensus, from my viewpoint, that we have become set on opposing lines and the ones who scream the loudest are painting a very stressful picture. (more…)
I had to name her because I was tired of feeling controlled by her. By naming her she became a guest I could try to encourage to leave, rather than something that shows up and takes over my life.
Veda is the depression that plagues me. She is seductive and detrimental to my wellness. She steals my mind and body and makes me sleep or not, be mean and feel hopeless.
You might think that the 2 mood stabilizers I take would keep her away, but until God chooses to balance the chemicals inside me differently, those pills I take before bed, help me. They don’t stop the anxiety, depression and obsessive thoughts and feelings, but they help slow my mind down so I can manage them better. Sometimes my reality is too much for me. It doesn’t matter if the sun is shining, the bills are paid and I am on my way to see my best friend; when you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…sometimes there is an open invitation to Veda…and sometimes there are triggers that cause her to show up.
I would like to say I hate her, but I have found that by hating her, I made her stronger. So I am accepting her. She is part of my life.
Karen and I have action plans for all types of visits, whether it is a short one, or a long one, if she brought a ton of luggage or just a carry-on. We have learned to be flexible because that is what you do when the goal is to get all team members to the finish line, together.
Sometimes that just means I spend some extra time with God in prayer and worship and then find something constructive to do. Sometimes my action plan includes confession to a team member that Veda wants me to end my life. Violence is NEVER an option.
I am thankful that my mind can handle that rule. Some people don’t have that rule…and they try and try again to end the pain until they succeed, unless God chooses to take this thorn in their side.
I am not scared of Veda anymore. I still get to choose what I do when she is here. The medications, the rules and my helpful and loving relationships with my team make that possible.
If you live with your own Veda please find your team.
My team consists of my kind, smart and beautiful wife, Karen, my companion animal, Xavier, who sometimes acts as my little guardian lion, my sister-friend, Jamie and my counselor Pam. There are several kind people in my life, but these are the people that have offered me support, answers and even a few tears so I wouldn’t have to cry alone…The leader, of course, is God, who gives Jamie dreams about me so she always knows when to call, inspires Karen to casually come home from work, for no reason, when I need a hug, and who leads Xavier to give me looks to remind me to take care of myself and puts himself between me and any perceived danger.
If you know someone who has their own Veda, please try to understand that they are not always in control of their circumstances even if they look fine; they might not have a healthy home, or an action plan, or maybe their Veda is bigger, badder and meaner than mine.
Their sickness takes nothing away from you. If you can’t handle it, just be honest. We will all be better for your truth.
When you live with a Veda you learn to accept that we all have shortcomings and it is better to accept what you can’t change and embrace what you can.
P.S. It took me almost 3 months to write this…
As Whoopi was passionately letting her beliefs known on The View regarding 4 black teenagers who had live-streamed the kidnapping and abuse of a challenged white student and ABC News interrupted with a Special Report that there had been a shooting at an airport in Florida…and one of my neighbors had chosen to move their fight outside of their home and fill my ears with obscenities…I thought I might want to take a look at the word DISCRIMINATION and share with you what I learned.
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Now it happened in Iconium that they went together to the synagogue of the Jews, and so spoke that a great multitude both of the Jews and of the [a] Greeks believed. But the unbelieving Jews stirred up the Gentiles and [1] poisoned their [2] minds against the brethren.
Acts 14:1-2
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When I started writing this I was stuck in a depraved mindset. The original first few sentences were the basis of this whole article…and they are the only ones that didn’t change…
Trust is a two way street. I want to trust that you are not going to hurt me. I want to trust that I am not going to hurt you. I think you want to trust that I am not going to hurt you and I am pretty sure most of you don’t intend to hurt me.
Trust: belief that someone is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
I was in the bathroom and as I floated in the bubbles in my head…I guess that is how I can describe them; it is like each eyeball has at least 2 vantage points, some here and some somewhere else and it is hard to decide to be where you are, there was a small voice [God] that told me that even though I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, by telling my truths I have.
>>>Prelude to Everything I Have Said Thus FarGuilt that doesn’t lead to repentance is wasted. Guilt that is used as a weapon of war is just another mutation that humanity created from a tool God gave us to help build us into His version of us.
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One time I bought a fish. He was a beta and the pet store had put him in a tank full of white fish who had bit off all his fins to keep him submissive. When I bought him, he was almost clear in color. One year after living in his own tank he had the longest, most vibrant colored fins I have ever seen on a fish. I feel like that fish.
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Being chronically ill is like trying to live on a teeter totter by yourself. Dealing with sickness, pain, depression and anger is common. Sometimes it is really hard to stay positive, especially when occasionally it seems like you just got catapulted off the darn thing and you don’t know when and where you will land, or if you will land softly. Sometimes just the fear of what could happen during a flair up catches you off guard.
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We heard a great message at church this week; one that caused me to consider what I would change if I could go back in time. I have considered this many times. My list has changed through the years, as I grew up in Jesus. It is amazing how different what we think we need during times of great stress is from when we are spending time getting to know Jesus and our identity in Him…
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Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is refuge for us. Selah Psalm 62:8
Immediacy is not a virtue.
When I am stressed I feel like announcing my feelings and thoughts about everything, right now to everyone, except God; I don’t want to process anything before I react, yet I am so thankful to Jesus who is leading me to spend time praying and in the word to hear what God thinks and how He is teaching me to behave because lately, life has felt like one run on sentence…
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I have been at a standstill for about a week, while reading, Codependent No More by By Melodie Beattie. I have read chapter 11: Have a Love Affair With Yourself, 3 times and I plan to read it again. I really want the good things to sink in and make it easier to let the negative things float away; or at least be able to lay them at the feet of Jesus and not want to come back to return them to their old spot on the shelf. I had a moment on Thursday where someone I care for let me know of a decision they had made about their health that caused me fear. As I began to “love them to death” with advise and other people’s opinions, they were becoming more and more defensive. Luckily Jesus is always faithful, not just to me but to everyone who love Him and I was able to see the unhealthiness I was suffocating them with and I was able to choose to stop.
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This week I finally moved my recipes from my old beat up recipe box to my new one; one that belonged to my Great-Grandma Drummond. I learned a few things while I organized my recipes into it: She liked recipes with oranges in them and this recipe box was new to her. It came with a few new recipes that she had not organized into their appropriate dividers. There were a few recipes she has tucked inside, but obviously she had not had the chance to completely move into it, herself. I keep thinking about how she had probably had it on a list of things to do while she healed from her surgery; she probably wasn’t thinking she would not get a chance to do that. She still had plans.
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I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to trust my feelings and thoughts. I know I am lovable because Jesus and Karen say I am lovable. My nieces and nephews love me; they like to talk to me, they look excited to see me, they jump to hug and kiss me. They are happy to let me touch them, stroke their hair and look in their eyes. There is freedom with them I don’t feel with most of the people in my life — they like to be loved. They let me encourage them. They trust me. I see in them, things I learned to dislike in myself and it helps me see that I have judged myself too harshly. I love watching them grow. I know God feels this for me. When it is just Him and me, life is easy. But I let “what if’s” collect. Sometimes it is next to impossible to detach from these…but I haven’t purposely been using the tool of detachment for very long; I am sure it will get easier.
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1 Corinthians 3:9-16
For we are God’s fellow workers; You are God’s field, you are God’s building. According to the grace of God which is given to me, as a wise master builder I have laid the foundation, and another builds on it. But let each take heed how he builds on it. For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stray, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire: And the fire will test each ones work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work, which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire. Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?
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I feel like my whole life I have been fighting. Fighting to be heard. Fighting to be seen. Fighting with