The following article is an editorial. This article is not meant to be fact but my own personal thoughts. Today we are all in pain. God bless your American Heart, we are in mourning, in my opinion, and the anger and fear of what might happen next is very understandable. In the last 5 months, we Americans, and the rest of the world have been through something most of us have only read about in books. On top of all this, politically, our country has been beat about the head and heart for so long…no matter what you believe politically, it is a general consensus, from my viewpoint, that we have become set on opposing lines and the ones who scream the loudest are painting a very stressful picture. (more…)
I had to name her because I was tired of feeling controlled by her. By naming her she became a guest I could try to encourage to leave, rather than something that shows up and takes over my life.
Veda is the depression that plagues me. She is seductive and detrimental to my wellness. She steals my mind and body and makes me sleep or not, be mean and feel hopeless.
You might think that the 2 mood stabilizers I take would keep her away, but until God chooses to balance the chemicals inside me differently, those pills I take before bed, help me. They don’t stop the anxiety, depression and obsessive thoughts and feelings, but they help slow my mind down so I can manage them better. Sometimes my reality is too much for me. It doesn’t matter if the sun is shining, the bills are paid and I am on my way to see my best friend; when you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…sometimes there is an open invitation to Veda…and sometimes there are triggers that cause her to show up.
I would like to say I hate her, but I have found that by hating her, I made her stronger. So I am accepting her. She is part of my life.
Karen and I have action plans for all types of visits, whether it is a short one, or a long one, if she brought a ton of luggage or just a carry-on. We have learned to be flexible because that is what you do when the goal is to get all team members to the finish line, together.
Sometimes that just means I spend some extra time with God in prayer and worship and then find something constructive to do. Sometimes my action plan includes confession to a team member that Veda wants me to end my life. Violence is NEVER an option.
I am thankful that my mind can handle that rule. Some people don’t have that rule…and they try and try again to end the pain until they succeed, unless God chooses to take this thorn in their side.
I am not scared of Veda anymore. I still get to choose what I do when she is here. The medications, the rules and my helpful and loving relationships with my team make that possible.
If you live with your own Veda please find your team.
My team consists of my kind, smart and beautiful wife, Karen, my companion animal, Xavier, who sometimes acts as my little guardian lion, my sister-friend, Jamie and my counselor Pam. There are several kind people in my life, but these are the people that have offered me support, answers and even a few tears so I wouldn’t have to cry alone…The leader, of course, is God, who gives Jamie dreams about me so she always knows when to call, inspires Karen to casually come home from work, for no reason, when I need a hug, and who leads Xavier to give me looks to remind me to take care of myself and puts himself between me and any perceived danger.
If you know someone who has their own Veda, please try to understand that they are not always in control of their circumstances even if they look fine; they might not have a healthy home, or an action plan, or maybe their Veda is bigger, badder and meaner than mine.
Their sickness takes nothing away from you. If you can’t handle it, just be honest. We will all be better for your truth.
When you live with a Veda you learn to accept that we all have shortcomings and it is better to accept what you can’t change and embrace what you can.
P.S. It took me almost 3 months to write this…
As Whoopi was passionately letting her beliefs known on The View regarding 4 black teenagers who had live-streamed the kidnapping and abuse of a challenged white student and ABC News interrupted with a Special Report that there had been a shooting at an airport in Florida…and one of my neighbors had chosen to move their fight outside of their home and fill my ears with obscenities…I thought I might want to take a look at the word DISCRIMINATION and share with you what I learned.
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Now it happened in Iconium that they went together to the synagogue of the Jews, and so spoke that a great multitude both of the Jews and of the [a] Greeks believed. But the unbelieving Jews stirred up the Gentiles and [1] poisoned their [2] minds against the brethren.
Acts 14:1-2
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When I started writing this I was stuck in a depraved mindset. The original first few sentences were the basis of this whole article…and they are the only ones that didn’t change…
Trust is a two way street. I want to trust that you are not going to hurt me. I want to trust that I am not going to hurt you. I think you want to trust that I am not going to hurt you and I am pretty sure most of you don’t intend to hurt me.
Trust: belief that someone is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
I was in the bathroom and as I floated in the bubbles in my head…I guess that is how I can describe them; it is like each eyeball has at least 2 vantage points, some here and some somewhere else and it is hard to decide to be where you are, there was a small voice [God] that told me that even though I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, by telling my truths I have.
>>>Prelude to Everything I Have Said Thus FarGuilt that doesn’t lead to repentance is wasted. Guilt that is used as a weapon of war is just another mutation that humanity created from a tool God gave us to help build us into His version of us.
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One time I bought a fish. He was a beta and the pet store had put him in a tank full of white fish who had bit off all his fins to keep him submissive. When I bought him, he was almost clear in color. One year after living in his own tank he had the longest, most vibrant colored fins I have ever seen on a fish. I feel like that fish.
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Being chronically ill is like trying to live on a teeter totter by yourself. Dealing with sickness, pain, depression and anger is common. Sometimes it is really hard to stay positive, especially when occasionally it seems like you just got catapulted off the darn thing and you don’t know when and where you will land, or if you will land softly. Sometimes just the fear of what could happen during a flair up catches you off guard.
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We heard a great message at church this week; one that caused me to consider what I would change if I could go back in time. I have considered this many times. My list has changed through the years, as I grew up in Jesus. It is amazing how different what we think we need during times of great stress is from when we are spending time getting to know Jesus and our identity in Him…
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Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is refuge for us. Selah Psalm 62:8
Immediacy is not a virtue.
When I am stressed I feel like announcing my feelings and thoughts about everything, right now to everyone, except God; I don’t want to process anything before I react, yet I am so thankful to Jesus who is leading me to spend time praying and in the word to hear what God thinks and how He is teaching me to behave because lately, life has felt like one run on sentence…
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I have been at a standstill for about a week, while reading, Codependent No More by By Melodie Beattie. I have read chapter 11: Have a Love Affair With Yourself, 3 times and I plan to read it again. I really want the good things to sink in and make it easier to let the negative things float away; or at least be able to lay them at the feet of Jesus and not want to come back to return them to their old spot on the shelf. I had a moment on Thursday where someone I care for let me know of a decision they had made about their health that caused me fear. As I began to “love them to death” with advise and other people’s opinions, they were becoming more and more defensive. Luckily Jesus is always faithful, not just to me but to everyone who love Him and I was able to see the unhealthiness I was suffocating them with and I was able to choose to stop.
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This week I finally moved my recipes from my old beat up recipe box to my new one; one that belonged to my Great-Grandma Drummond. I learned a few things while I organized my recipes into it: She liked recipes with oranges in them and this recipe box was new to her. It came with a few new recipes that she had not organized into their appropriate dividers. There were a few recipes she has tucked inside, but obviously she had not had the chance to completely move into it, herself. I keep thinking about how she had probably had it on a list of things to do while she healed from her surgery; she probably wasn’t thinking she would not get a chance to do that. She still had plans.
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I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to trust my feelings and thoughts. I know I am lovable because Jesus and Karen say I am lovable. My nieces and nephews love me; they like to talk to me, they look excited to see me, they jump to hug and kiss me. They are happy to let me touch them, stroke their hair and look in their eyes. There is freedom with them I don’t feel with most of the people in my life — they like to be loved. They let me encourage them. They trust me. I see in them, things I learned to dislike in myself and it helps me see that I have judged myself too harshly. I love watching them grow. I know God feels this for me. When it is just Him and me, life is easy. But I let “what if’s” collect. Sometimes it is next to impossible to detach from these…but I haven’t purposely been using the tool of detachment for very long; I am sure it will get easier.
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1 Corinthians 3:9-16
For we are God’s fellow workers; You are God’s field, you are God’s building. According to the grace of God which is given to me, as a wise master builder I have laid the foundation, and another builds on it. But let each take heed how he builds on it. For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stray, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire: And the fire will test each ones work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work, which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire. Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?
1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do you not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.
Psalm 95:1-2OH come, let us sing to the Lord! Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.
Psalm 21:6For You have made him most blessed forever; You have made him exceedingly glad with Your presence.
Isaiah 12:2-3Behold, God is my salvation. I will trust and not be afraid; For YAH, the Lord is my strength and song; He also has become my salvation.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
Galatians 1:10
For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.
Mark 11:17
Then He taught, saying to them, “Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations?’ But you have made it a den of thieves.”
Mark 4:3-9
“Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow, and it happened, as he sowed, that some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds of the air came and devoured it. Some fell on stony ground, where it did not have much earth; and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of earth, but when the sun was up it was scorched, and because it had no root it withered away. And seed fell among the thorns; and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. But other seed fell on good ground and yielded a crop that sprang up, increased and produced; some thirty-fold, some sixty, and some a hundred. And He said to them, ‘He who has ears to hear, let him hear!’”
I found my baby book a couple weeks ago and in it was a note from my mom, when I was 6; she said I prayed a lot on my own and spoke of spiritual things. I don’t remember this but I do remember the day I met Jesus. I was and playing alone in my backyard. That was 33 years ago. As of 2 days ago, I have committed myself to more prayer and time with God. I have repented for not living in my gifts and allowing God to use me to His fullest. I will probably have to do this many times. As I have already done this many times in my walk with Jesus; even in the last month. (more…)
Lord, I am confused as to what I should learn from that I have read. It seems that all the scripture that I read in 2 Kings, 2 Chronicles and Jeremiah was just war after war and lie after lie. I recognize I don’t understand the value not only because I see that all of it was to prove, yet again, that You tried to change the hearts of Your people, Israel, so many times, yet they enjoyed worshiping idols and did not honor Your wishes and blatantly lied. They were so far from You that they even lied to You through Jeremiah, Your prophet. Deceit and confusion seem to work together so well, that we do not understand even what we are doing will only keep us from You. Thank You that above all, You have preserved me so that I can be in relationship with You and bless You and bless others. I repent for continually falling as though to pull judgement and punishment on my own head. I don’t know how to stop. (more…)
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I feel like my whole life I have been fighting. Fighting to be heard. Fighting to be seen. Fighting with