Dear Younger Me (and anyone who wants to read this),
I am writing this letter to you as a celebration. As I round the bend toward be alive 45 years, I realize how far I have come. I never thought I would live beyond 32 years old; I am not sure where I got that idea but it was something a 14-year-old version of myself believed. The last 13 years have been a bonus and that is how I look at every year now.
Although I know that I am not like everyone else, I do know that I am not totally original. I hope that if you’re reading this that you find hope for yourself here. I have been called many names, as you may know, our favorite is wife and Auntie Summer…some of the other names aren’t worth mentioning and a few of them haven’t happened yet.
You are loved by me. We are learning, to be still and know that God’s love is infinite and sustained by Him. We are learning, even as I write this, that you do not know all the answers but you will never find them by defining anyone but you. In reality, the answers you really want, will only be shown to you by God when you are able to hear Him.
Not making a choice is still making a choice. When you let things happen without action, you have actually made the decision to not act. When you were a kid, this may have been someone else’s fault; as an adult your decisions are your responsibility. All choices have reaction some are no big deal, some will leave scars for the rest of your life…or someone else’s. Do not be complacent. God hates that.
Make choices that affect your future in a good way. Take the promotion in a new city. If you are meant to be in Longview again…it will happen…Don’t skip on a new adventure because you are afraid to go alone. Even the people closest to you, may not be there forever, no matter how much you want them to be, so don’t short-change yourself.
You will never measure up, be enough, or be able save ANYONE. You are not like others because you were created to see the world and people differently. You were created to feel with others and hear what your spirit leads you to. You have been scared of this because it is confusing but I promise, if you lean into God, He is the best Father and teacher you could ever hope for. These truths are meant to lead to you prayer and love for God and those He has sent to you, however you will be blessed too.
Our standards do not take away anything, from anyone else. If other people think that our truth takes something away from them, they should work on that without us to interrupt them. On the flip-side, other people’s standards are great for them. If other people can trust that we accept that each of us must live our own truth, then we can be friends as long as they are peace-seeking people…
Your inability to reach other people’s standards or even your own, is not failure. At your age, (I am considering my 17-year-old self) you may think this is criticism because that is what you know. What it actually is, if you can hear me, is the ticket to your freedom. When you embrace that you will never be what your family or friends want you to be, or that you will never be what the media or what you imagined was perfect, you can drop the veils you surround yourself with. You can stop working so hard to make others happy. You can let the words that you choose to accept from yourself and from others, that burn your soul, become like water on a duck’s back. You can become who God made you to be. Just yourself.
You can forgive. I know you think it is useless because when you forgive the people that hurt you, they just do it again but that is because you don’t understand that forgiveness does not change other people; it only changes you. You can start letting go of the old sadness and anger…it will take you a long time, so why not start now…I am still working on it. You will have more painful times but it is ok to give yourself time to feel your feelings and learn from them. When you hold the pain forever it becomes toxic and makes you bitter and sick. Just remember God never gave anyone the right to hurt you…but He loves the people that hurt you too…
You can choose who you spend your time with. Let the people who do not edify or lift you up, go…even those that you rely the most on. If they really love you, they will fight to come back. They will learn how you need to be loved and prove themselves worthy. It may take years for them to understand, heal, forgive, stop being afraid, and understand what you need, but they will succeed at being better so you can feel safe around them when they are ready to build a relationship with the actual you. Yes, you are hyper-sensitive, it might be easier to love other people who are not easily triggered by bright lights, sounds, smells and emotions but you are worthy of people that don’t take advantage of that. You can’t make people love you, regardless of how hard you try and conforming does not feed your spirit.
Trauma is relative to each person. Trauma is not always planned out acts. When you are hyper-sensitive what hurts you might not hurt other people. Also other people may not realize they have their own trauma that needs healing. “We are all equally scary people,” as Karen says. If you can’t stop bleeding all over someone, take care of your wounds before you infect someone else. When you feel like you can try with someone again, be prepared to be rejected, but hope for the best. God is healing them too and their process may be different then yours.
Although it has been drilled into your head that you are too fat or too something…to have the life you want, you must try to break those bad tapes. They are lies. Everything you really want will come true. The good and the bad things you want will happen because you are a spiritually powerful woman and God honors our words. Foster the good dreams and protect yourself from situations that make you want the bad. Your dreams will not look like what you thought they would…but God will give you every desire of your heart in His time and own way. When you feel hopeless, think about this until you can push forward again.
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. You will have to do this often. Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to mean fighting with people who like to fight. Sometimes standing up for yourself is walking away and letting people fight without you until they are ready to stop. It doesn’t make you wrong to decide to choose peace. It doesn’t mean they are bad or take anything away from them, except your presence and permission to be abused by their choices, or allowing them to be abused by your anger and resentment. They may not be trying to hurt you. They may not understand what you need. They may not be able to hear you when you ask for peace. They may not even know they are fighting and competing all the time. If they want to join you, they will change. It is ok to let people go if they are never ready to choose peace. You are not alone. God is with you always and He will never leave…accept for that week after you told Him to, “Fuck off.” If you haven’t got there yet, don’t worry, before the words can come out of your mouth, He will be back…that was the loneliest week of our life….but He is always present.
Advocate for yourself. Don’t be afraid to go to doctors, specialists and therapists. If they don’t hear you or if they are wrong, make sure you are heard. Remember you are different. Teach them that even though you don’t know how to fight for you, you are willing to learn. If they can’t answer your questions, find someone who can. Don’t be afraid of the pills that you need to be healthy. Learn about them. Learn what you can do to not need some of them. Be patient with yourself, like no one has been with you. It will take time but you will find the exercise, medications, foods and self-care it takes to quiet the storm that is inside you…some of your issues are related to your mental and physical health. It is not your fault. It just is part of your path.
Your gender, sexuality and identity are just fine. It is not bad to talk about them or seek out your truth. Even though you have been taught (or not taught) otherwise, you are beautiful just the way you are, God knows you. He loves you. God made the real you. So here are our truths: Our gender is Cis Female. Our sexuality is Demisexual. Our mind is Androgynous but we enjoy representing ourself as Feminine.
Wait for a partner that wants us and loves us as much as we love them. If we love them or want them more than they love or want us, we will not be able to make up for their lack. Love and want are not related to need. Need is a misrepresentation of love which is what we really want. Remember…we will never measure up to anyone else’s standards…so wait for the one who loves us as close to the example that Jesus has shared with us. You wont even start to understand this until you are at least 25…that is ok. Nana was right when she taught us to not waste our affections…Be patient and work hard on yourself and don’t worry about being alone forever. You wont realize that that crazy friend that you have trusted and loved for 10 years is the one God made for you until we are 38…and even then you wont totally get it…
Here is a mind-blower! Your time is not God’s time. God’s time is not limited to our understanding. If you are tired. Stop and rest. If you wear yourself out, who will be you? Let me tell you…I didn’t focus on you when I was young and had more energy and less pain. At this point, sometimes it takes all the energy I have to accomplish is our self-care. I am not talking about make up and hair…although we do enjoy trying new styles…What you look like on the outside is nothing if you don’t have peace and love for yourself. Get that couch off your back. Find time to think and feel. Do what makes you happy. Dig in the dirt. Read. Learn…this is your favorite thing to do!
Accept your feelings so you can heal, grow and love yourself. You don’t hate people; you hate yourself. You want to die, but you haven’t learned how to live. Spend more time learning how to love yourself so you don’t fall back on manipulating people.
No one owes you a thing but if they don’t treat you the way you want to be treated, it might be because they are seeing how you treat yourself or their way is the best they know. If their way is not helping you, then decide how much energy you want to give them. Give yourself the love you need…lean into God. He knows what He has planned for you.
Accept that you are just as guilty as you judge others to be. Every time you hurt, be honest about the situation. Did you manipulate them? Did you lie to them? Did you ignore them? Maybe your actions require repentance…which means confession, forgiveness and change on your part. You can’t change anyone but yourself…If you changed and they didn’t then decide how much of your time you will keep giving them.
I have noticed that when I share my viewpoints, sometimes, people respond as though I am challenging them to a fight. I have been asking God how I can better communicate with people. I want people to understand that most of what I say is my opinion. I stand by my opinions but I am also fluid with them once I have heard enough evidence to change them. When I voice my opinions or share my stories and experiences, I am not looking for a fight, but a discussion. Discussion allow for communication, understanding and growth. Fighting allows for noise and pain. I am trying to learn out how to speak to people so they know, I am still in the process of learning not to judge them or fight with them. When I share my thoughts and experiences it is for the purpose of growth on my part, and their part, if they are interested. Hearing people tell me no, or that I am wrong in a way that is kind and direct is welcome. I am waiting on God for His answer…it will take as much time as it takes for me to be able to hear the answer…but I have chewed on questions for years without an answer before. If I die before I hear Him…it wont be an issue anymore. 🙂
With all the interesting viewpoints, facts and feelings there are to experience enjoy your favorite thing. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep loving and make sure you love yourself first. It isn’t selfish, like we were taught. The extra love will overflow on the right people.
I am so thankful to God for coming to us when we were a little girl. I remember that day so clearly. We were 5-years-old, I was playing in my backyard, under the apple trees and suddenly we weren’t alone anymore. It was just that simple. We were baptized 2 years later because the church we went to needed to feel certain that we knew what we were talking about. Church has been a part of our life for as long as I can remember, but part of the problem is that I don’t remember everything. Trauma can do that to a person. At this point we don’t go to church because I am selfish with my Sundays. I also know distinctly that a church that is labeled affirming, is made of people who don’t know what to do with me and my wife. Change is a process. I know that we will be ready to try other churches eventually. We all have our process, don’t we?
Wherever you are in your process, do what you can to grow and enjoy life. Love yourself and God will love others through you. I wish you well.
Sincerely,
Summer
The following article is an editorial. This article is not meant to be fact but my own personal thoughts. Today we are all in pain. God bless your American Heart, we are in mourning, in my opinion, and the anger and fear of what might happen next is very understandable. In the last 5 months, we Americans, and the rest of the world have been through something most of us have only read about in books. On top of all this, politically, our country has been beat about the head and heart for so long…no matter what you believe politically, it is a general consensus, from my viewpoint, that we have become set on opposing lines and the ones who scream the loudest are painting a very stressful picture. (more…)
I had to name her because I was tired of feeling controlled by her. By naming her she became a guest I could try to encourage to leave, rather than something that shows up and takes over my life.
Veda is the depression that plagues me. She is seductive and detrimental to my wellness. She steals my mind and body and makes me sleep or not, be mean and feel hopeless.
You might think that the 2 mood stabilizers I take would keep her away, but until God chooses to balance the chemicals inside me differently, those pills I take before bed, help me. They don’t stop the anxiety, depression and obsessive thoughts and feelings, but they help slow my mind down so I can manage them better. Sometimes my reality is too much for me. It doesn’t matter if the sun is shining, the bills are paid and I am on my way to see my best friend; when you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…sometimes there is an open invitation to Veda…and sometimes there are triggers that cause her to show up.
I would like to say I hate her, but I have found that by hating her, I made her stronger. So I am accepting her. She is part of my life.
Karen and I have action plans for all types of visits, whether it is a short one, or a long one, if she brought a ton of luggage or just a carry-on. We have learned to be flexible because that is what you do when the goal is to get all team members to the finish line, together.
Sometimes that just means I spend some extra time with God in prayer and worship and then find something constructive to do. Sometimes my action plan includes confession to a team member that Veda wants me to end my life. Violence is NEVER an option.
I am thankful that my mind can handle that rule. Some people don’t have that rule…and they try and try again to end the pain until they succeed, unless God chooses to take this thorn in their side.
I am not scared of Veda anymore. I still get to choose what I do when she is here. The medications, the rules and my helpful and loving relationships with my team make that possible.
If you live with your own Veda please find your team.
My team consists of my kind, smart and beautiful wife, Karen, my companion animal, Xavier, who sometimes acts as my little guardian lion, my sister-friend, Jamie and my counselor Pam. There are several kind people in my life, but these are the people that have offered me support, answers and even a few tears so I wouldn’t have to cry alone…The leader, of course, is God, who gives Jamie dreams about me so she always knows when to call, inspires Karen to casually come home from work, for no reason, when I need a hug, and who leads Xavier to give me looks to remind me to take care of myself and puts himself between me and any perceived danger.
If you know someone who has their own Veda, please try to understand that they are not always in control of their circumstances even if they look fine; they might not have a healthy home, or an action plan, or maybe their Veda is bigger, badder and meaner than mine.
Their sickness takes nothing away from you. If you can’t handle it, just be honest. We will all be better for your truth.
When you live with a Veda you learn to accept that we all have shortcomings and it is better to accept what you can’t change and embrace what you can.
P.S. It took me almost 3 months to write this…
As Whoopi was passionately letting her beliefs known on The View regarding 4 black teenagers who had live-streamed the kidnapping and abuse of a challenged white student and ABC News interrupted with a Special Report that there had been a shooting at an airport in Florida…and one of my neighbors had chosen to move their fight outside of their home and fill my ears with obscenities…I thought I might want to take a look at the word DISCRIMINATION and share with you what I learned.
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Now it happened in Iconium that they went together to the synagogue of the Jews, and so spoke that a great multitude both of the Jews and of the [a] Greeks believed. But the unbelieving Jews stirred up the Gentiles and [1] poisoned their [2] minds against the brethren.
Acts 14:1-2
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When I started writing this I was stuck in a depraved mindset. The original first few sentences were the basis of this whole article…and they are the only ones that didn’t change…
Trust is a two way street. I want to trust that you are not going to hurt me. I want to trust that I am not going to hurt you. I think you want to trust that I am not going to hurt you and I am pretty sure most of you don’t intend to hurt me.
Trust: belief that someone is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
I was in the bathroom and as I floated in the bubbles in my head…I guess that is how I can describe them; it is like each eyeball has at least 2 vantage points, some here and some somewhere else and it is hard to decide to be where you are, there was a small voice [God] that told me that even though I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, by telling my truths I have.
>>>Prelude to Everything I Have Said Thus FarGuilt that doesn’t lead to repentance is wasted. Guilt that is used as a weapon of war is just another mutation that humanity created from a tool God gave us to help build us into His version of us.
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One time I bought a fish. He was a beta and the pet store had put him in a tank full of white fish who had bit off all his fins to keep him submissive. When I bought him, he was almost clear in color. One year after living in his own tank he had the longest, most vibrant colored fins I have ever seen on a fish. I feel like that fish.
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Being chronically ill is like trying to live on a teeter totter by yourself. Dealing with sickness, pain, depression and anger is common. Sometimes it is really hard to stay positive, especially when occasionally it seems like you just got catapulted off the darn thing and you don’t know when and where you will land, or if you will land softly. Sometimes just the fear of what could happen during a flair up catches you off guard.
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We heard a great message at church this week; one that caused me to consider what I would change if I could go back in time. I have considered this many times. My list has changed through the years, as I grew up in Jesus. It is amazing how different what we think we need during times of great stress is from when we are spending time getting to know Jesus and our identity in Him…
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Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is refuge for us. Selah Psalm 62:8
Immediacy is not a virtue.
When I am stressed I feel like announcing my feelings and thoughts about everything, right now to everyone, except God; I don’t want to process anything before I react, yet I am so thankful to Jesus who is leading me to spend time praying and in the word to hear what God thinks and how He is teaching me to behave because lately, life has felt like one run on sentence…
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I have been at a standstill for about a week, while reading, Codependent No More by By Melodie Beattie. I have read chapter 11: Have a Love Affair With Yourself, 3 times and I plan to read it again. I really want the good things to sink in and make it easier to let the negative things float away; or at least be able to lay them at the feet of Jesus and not want to come back to return them to their old spot on the shelf. I had a moment on Thursday where someone I care for let me know of a decision they had made about their health that caused me fear. As I began to “love them to death” with advise and other people’s opinions, they were becoming more and more defensive. Luckily Jesus is always faithful, not just to me but to everyone who love Him and I was able to see the unhealthiness I was suffocating them with and I was able to choose to stop.
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This week I finally moved my recipes from my old beat up recipe box to my new one; one that belonged to my Great-Grandma Drummond. I learned a few things while I organized my recipes into it: She liked recipes with oranges in them and this recipe box was new to her. It came with a few new recipes that she had not organized into their appropriate dividers. There were a few recipes she has tucked inside, but obviously she had not had the chance to completely move into it, herself. I keep thinking about how she had probably had it on a list of things to do while she healed from her surgery; she probably wasn’t thinking she would not get a chance to do that. She still had plans.
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I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to trust my feelings and thoughts. I know I am lovable because Jesus and Karen say I am lovable. My nieces and nephews love me; they like to talk to me, they look excited to see me, they jump to hug and kiss me. They are happy to let me touch them, stroke their hair and look in their eyes. There is freedom with them I don’t feel with most of the people in my life — they like to be loved. They let me encourage them. They trust me. I see in them, things I learned to dislike in myself and it helps me see that I have judged myself too harshly. I love watching them grow. I know God feels this for me. When it is just Him and me, life is easy. But I let “what if’s” collect. Sometimes it is next to impossible to detach from these…but I haven’t purposely been using the tool of detachment for very long; I am sure it will get easier.
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For we are God’s fellow workers; You are God’s field, you are God’s building. According to the grace of God which is given to me, as a wise master builder I have laid the foundation, and another builds on it. But let each take heed how he builds on it. For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stray, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire: And the fire will test each ones work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work, which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire. Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?
1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do you not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.
Psalm 95:1-2OH come, let us sing to the Lord! Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.
Psalm 21:6For You have made him most blessed forever; You have made him exceedingly glad with Your presence.
Isaiah 12:2-3Behold, God is my salvation. I will trust and not be afraid; For YAH, the Lord is my strength and song; He also has become my salvation.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.
Then He taught, saying to them, “Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations?’ But you have made it a den of thieves.”
“Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow, and it happened, as he sowed, that some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds of the air came and devoured it. Some fell on stony ground, where it did not have much earth; and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of earth, but when the sun was up it was scorched, and because it had no root it withered away. And seed fell among the thorns; and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. But other seed fell on good ground and yielded a crop that sprang up, increased and produced; some thirty-fold, some sixty, and some a hundred. And He said to them, ‘He who has ears to hear, let him hear!’”
I found my baby book a couple weeks ago and in it was a note from my mom, when I was 6; she said I prayed a lot on my own and spoke of spiritual things. I don’t remember this but I do remember the day I met Jesus. I was and playing alone in my backyard. That was 33 years ago. As of 2 days ago, I have committed myself to more prayer and time with God. I have repented for not living in my gifts and allowing God to use me to His fullest. I will probably have to do this many times. As I have already done this many times in my walk with Jesus; even in the last month. (more…)
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