I have been at a standstill for about a week, while reading, Codependent No More by By Melodie Beattie. I have read chapter 11: Have a Love Affair With Yourself, 3 times and I plan to read it again. I really want the good things to sink in and make it easier to let the negative things float away; or at least be able to lay them at the feet of Jesus and not want to come back to return them to their old spot on the shelf. I had a moment on Thursday where someone I care for let me know of a decision they had made about their health that caused me fear. As I began to “love them to death” with advise and other people’s opinions, they were becoming more and more defensive. Luckily Jesus is always faithful, not just to me but to everyone who love Him and I was able to see the unhealthiness I was suffocating them with and I was able to choose to stop.
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This Old Sweater
I am so angry and sad right now. I am thankful too. Chronic Illness is a bitch. She is ruthless and steals good things from people. I am angry because too many people don’t have enough options. I am sad because people I love are losing things that are important to them. I am thankful because my wife made sure that I didn’t miss my anxiety meds yesterday.
For people who are healthy or maybe are able to ignore their ailments it may be hard to have compassion on people who can’t. Loss is part of life but when you are chronic it can be a daily thing. It is exhausting to have to try so hard every day to be productive when you spend your time maneuvering around your circumstances. Strangers can be heartless. Strangers can also be amazing. You never know which one you will meet. I suppose that is true for everyone but when you are chronic you are always worried and you don’t need to worry about if people are kind or not. You are busy worrying about how you measure up, will your body or mind embarrass you, will you be a burden, will your needs cause discomfort to someone. It is easier to stay home. What if you don’t have a home? What if you have an addiction that you haven’t learned how to control yet?
I am being so generic right now. It tears my heart out when I hear someone say anything about people who are hurting, whether they are chronic, homeless, an addict, or variant from what society deems is the norm. You don’t know the energy it may have taken for any person around you to be there. I am sure there are more generous people out there than the ones I see posting selfish, hateful things on social media…but the squeaky wheel sure can throw me into an episode…
This morning I have had news of losses for 2 of my beloved friends. You spend a lot of time mourning when you are chronic and not just for yourself but the people you love who are also chronic. It becomes like an old sweater you keep because you are used to it. Even if it is worn out and doesn’t look like it did when you first got it. It is familiar.
I bought this old sweater, in the picture, when I was 20. I have had it almost 25 years. I have gone through a lot with this sweater. At some point it became a comfort to me and I began sleeping with it wrapped around my neck. It reminded me of the purple panda bear someone had made for my younger sister when she was born. She didn’t like him but I fell in love with Concord Grape, that is what we named him because he was made of two shades of purple wool. I took him everywhere. As he fell apart, I would keep a piece of him in my pocket and run my fingers over the scratchy fibers. When I was about 10 years old, my mom threw him away. I was heart-broken. Nana bought me a new bear that Christmas. Theodore E Bear is great, but he was nothing like Concord Grape. As a young adult, I went through a lot of Motrin and aspirin and I was starting to have panic attacks in my sleep. Even then, Fibromyalgia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD were starting to become something I couldn’t ignore. That sweater helped me a lot.
My sweater has traveled everywhere I have gone because when I forgot it, I couldn’t sleep. I remember the first time one of my nephews called it my blankie. I wanted to be a grown-up and grown-ups don’t have blankies…but he was right and even though I call it my sweater, it is, in fact my blankie. As it began falling apart, I would keep parts of my sweater in different bags so I could run my fingers over the scratchy wool and be comforted.
In 2014, I got the flu. It was worse than I had ever experienced and the cellulitis that I had been nursing without medical help for years went from a patch around most of my left ankle to my leg looking like I had dipped it in boiling bbq sauce up to my thigh. Karen, who was my good friend and business partner took me to the hospital where I stayed for 5 days getting very strong antibiotics. She never left my side. That was when I really began falling apart. I had to address my symptoms that had become impossible to ignore.
I don’t think I took my sweater with me to the hospital but I did take my best friend, who refused to leave my side. Karen even stayed with me when I came home because I could not care for my wounds. Somewhere in there we realized we were more than friends and were married. She is my favorite teddy bear now, but I still sleep with this sweater.
About a year ago I collected all the pieces of my sweater I could find and binge watched Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and Little House on the Prairie while I sewed all the pieces together. I kept the collar and tags to remind me of when it was actually a sweater, but it looks more like a blankie than ever. It was healing to me to sew all the pieces together. I find crocheting and sewing by hand very calming to me and I have lovingly sewn many blankies and teddy bears back together for children I love, it was kind of like me doing something loving for myself. I had to be creative with some of the pieces. My sweater is no longer 100% wool. I used whatever thread I had on hand so now it is also acrylic, polyester and cotton and like my monthly therapy sessions, I have to spend time mending my sweater too.
A couple weeks ago, I was watching Red Table Talk while I repaired a few tears in my sweater and it occurred to me that I am like this sweater. Many of the original fibers are there but, much like the threads holding my sweater together, my lifestyle changes have not only changed the shape of my life but they hold me together.
My self-care includes daily anaerobic exercises, donning of heavy duty compression hose because of lymphedema in my left leg (some traumas don’t go away), flushing of my sinuses, specific amounts of water every day, and exclusion of foods I can’t eat anymore. I take medications and (lots of) supplements at 11 am, 2:30 pm, 5 pm and 11 pm. I use essential oils to help manage some symptoms. I use a 5:1 ratio tincture and topical ibuprofen and lots of distraction and mindfulness to manage pain. I also make time to mend my sweater while I watch Red Table Talk or listen to my favorite podcasts: Joyce Meyer Enjoying Everyday Life and Elevation with Steven Furtick. And I nap and pray as necessary.
I pray for myself but mostly for the people I know are suffering with their own chronic issues because it is very hard to never know what you will wake up to that day. You learn to be ridged with other people and fluid with yourself because it is the only way to survive. My body and mind create enough drama for me. I have nothing for people who let chaos reign in their life.
I was so angry when I started out. I asked Jesus to take the anger and help me mourn. I still feel so tired. I am always tired. But I am not angry anymore. I am still a little sad but my friends are powerful women and God has them. They have overcome more than this. When we are done on this earth we will be with Jesus and that is a comfort.
I implore you to turn the news off today. You wont miss anything important. Find a quiet moment and be thankful for your loved ones, your home, your job…whatever comes to mind. If you think of someone who you know is struggling, say a prayer or send good thoughts, whatever your belief allows. Find some peace. It is not outside yourself, I promise you.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
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