Chapter 5: WRITE A MILLION WORDS

Lives of remarkable people demand hard work. Great purpose is found by determined, impassioned, relentless effort.

• Do it every day.
• For years.
• With intention.
• Get an expert teacher.

It takes 10,000 hours to reach the top of our field. It takes talent and preparation.

RESOLVE

Whatever you do don’t bury your talent and expect praise.
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PASSION STAGE: THE QUEST FOR PURPOSE

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and hope.

Jeremiah 24:11

Our soul needs a purpose so that we know that the career, relationships or hometown—all with their limits are not the end. We can know that our death is truly just the beginning of an eternity with Christ.

We often think and believe that the “greater” life is elusive and not attainable so we let ourselves stay spiritually immature and make do with what we already have.
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The following are notes directly from the context of this book with a mingling of my opinions and thoughts while I processed what I read. It is my interpretation. You may get something totally different out of this book.

CARRY ME HALFWAY

Many of us live spiritually under developed but we were created for a life full of:

• purpose
• authenticity
• justice

Many times we prepare for a task God called us to, yet when we get to the halfway point, we let our fears or the input of others, who might mean well, to stop us. Either way, we should rely one God to empower us to fulfill what we set out to do.
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The following are notes directly from the context of this book with a mingling of my opinions and thoughts while I processed what I read. It is my interpretation. You may get something totally different out of this book.

INTRODUCTION: LOVE AND JUSTICE

• Being incarcerated does not rob a person of the right to dignity and respect.
• Police officers that are bullies (not to be confused with police officers with a servant’s heart) make a mockery of humans and justice.
• When we see injustice we often look away because we don’t want to see people hurt. We should be trying to serve the people being hurt with whatever we have. Even a smile can encourage someone being persecuted.
• Decisions we made in the past should not steal today; this is true for people paying for their crimes too.
• By treating every person well, even people who are behaving in ways that is causing discomfort to others, we are showing them that they are treasured and loved by God and they are beautiful.

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Learning to Live and Love Again At the Same Time

The 2 deepest desires of most people:

• to love and be loved.
• to believe we are worthwhile and know someone else believes this too.

To protect ourselves many people have blocked off or shut off those needs.

I must learn to love and be loved, that I am worthy and I can look forward to and do great things.
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Pieces & Bits

Drama Addicts are people who have become addicted to problems and turmoil; problems have become a comfortable emotional experience

Drama Addicts:

• get involved with problems that are not their own
• think a peaceful life is boring
• create problems

As we develop our lives, set goals and find things to do, peace will be comfortable.
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Work A Twelve Step Program

Chemical dependency and other compulsive disorders destroy beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, creative, loving people.

Some Twelve Step Programs:

• • Alcoholics Anonymous – Group for people addicted to alcohol
  • Al-Anon – Group for people affected by alcoholics
  • Alateen – Group for teenagers affected by alcoholics
  • Al-Atots – Group for children affected by alcoholics

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Communication

“When you’re doing what’s right for you, it’s okay to say it once, simply, and then refuse to discuss anything further.” – Toby Rice Drews

Many Codependents:

• manipulate
• are people pleasers
• are controlling
• cover things up
• assign/use guilt or try to alleviate guilt
• repress feelings and thoughts
• have ulterior motives
• have low self-esteem or self-worth and feel a lot of shame
• react inappropriately
• allow abuse and use badgering as a tool
• justify, rationalize, compensate and threaten

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Chapter 15 “Yes You Can Think”

For God hath no given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:17

Many codependents do not trust our minds and indecision can make the smallest choices frustrating – so big choices like what to do with our lives or who to live with or how to solve our problems can be overwhelming.

We must think, figure things out, decide what we need and want and decide how to solve our own problems.

Our ability to think may be clouded by lies we have believed, told to us or by ourselves (denial), chaos, stress, low self-esteem and repressed emotions.
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I have been slowly taking in this great book for about 6 weeks. While I am digesting and praying about issues that seem to come about in me, I see myself growing and learning to be focused on being positive and learning to communicate better. Chapter 14 in Codependent No More is about anger, something I have a lot of experience with, here is what I have gleaned and learned about anger:

Grief, rescuing, care taking, being reactionary, hurt, fear, sadness, being afraid and guilt can all become anger.

Some people prefer to stay angry because it makes us feel more powerful and less vulnerable.
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Feel Your Own Feelings

There are people that I have withdrawn so completely from, emotionally, that they don’t know me at all. I have known them my whole life. I love them. I know they love me. At an earlier time in my life, I learned it was dangerous to trust them because they could absolutely crush me. My “going away” only made me stuff all the emotions I felt because of their actions. Until I became so overloaded with emotions that I could not bear even seeing them.
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Have a Love Affair With Yourself

What a novel idea; one I had never considered. I assumed that this chapter would be full of new thoughts and maybe it would inspire a lot in me. I read this chapter 3 times…

6/24/2016

Many codependent people would never dream of treating others as they treat themselves. Other people would not let us. Our feelings of low self-worth cause us to not like ourselves or even consider loving ourselves.

• We hate ourselves
• We don’t like the way we look
• We hate our bodies
• We think we are stupid, incompetent, untalented and unloveable
• We think our thoughts and feelings are wrong and inappropriate
• We think we are unimportant and we don’t matter
• We shame other people’s desires and plans
• We think we are inferior and inappropriately odd
• Inside our minds we constantly torture ourselves
• Sometimes we punish ourselves openly and invite others to help us hate ourselves
• We believe taking care of our needs and wants is selfish

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Chapter 9: Undependence

My mother needs me to depend on her. It is part of her codependence identity: approval seeking and need for other’s happiness because that is all she has.

I can’t be healthy and center my life around anyone else but God.

Ways to become Independent:

1. Finish business from childhood to the best of our ability. Grieve. Gain perspective. Figure out how events from the past are still affecting life now.People who believe they are unloveable will treat you as though you are too.
2. Nurture the inner child who is vulnerable, frightened and needy. She may not disappear. She may rear up at unexpected moments, whether provoked or not. Figure out what she needs.
3. Stop looking for happiness in other people. Center life around yourself; our value and joy are inside ourselves. I don’t need approval or validation from others.
4. Learn to depend on yourself. Be there for yourself. Don’t abandon yourself, needs, wants, feelings, life and spirit. Learn to solve problems or live with unsolved problems.
5. Depend on God. He has never abandoned me. I abandoned me. He expects me to care for me.
6. Strive for undependence. Examine the ways we depend on others emotionally and financially.

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Remove the Victim

“We’re so careful to see that no one gets hurt. No one, that is, but ourselves.” Al-Anon Member

“Codependents are caretakers – rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized. Study the Karpmen Drama Triangle,” he said.
Codependent No More page 83

Enabling is a destructive form of helping.
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Detachment

Detachment is not detaching from loved ones but the agony of involvement.

Questions We Must Ask of Ourselves

• What am I feelings?
• What do I think?
• What do I need to take care of myself?

Observational Reading Questions
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CARETAKING CODEPENDENT CHARACTERISTICS

Codependents may:

• • think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
  • feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
  • feel compelled—almost forced—to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
  • feel angry when their help isn’t effective.

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What’s Codependency, and Who’s Got It?

Chapter 1 & 2: Jessica’s Story & Other Stories

I did not identify with any specific stories in this chapter but I have identified with aspects of their codependency. I have sought relationships with people with food addiction, so we can either validate or succeed together. I have often tried to help addicts and many times I have based my wants and needs on the wants and needs of my main relationships. I often feel like my friends need me more than I need them – all my friends need something from me. Most people don’t enjoy me and I am cynical about their motives. People make me tired.
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