I Had to Paint my Toenails Today

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 11, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

Coming home is a process and sometimes each day has only enough spoons for that day and not enough for coming home. My last procedure for my endometrial cancer was in August and I was told to remove my toenail polish, all my jewelry and wash from head to toe with antibacterial soap twice and wash all my bedding and clothes I would wear to bed the night before and to the hospital. I have been home 5 days from my bout with deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism but I am still not totally here…so I had to paint my toenails today.

If you aren’t chronically ill or aren’t close to someone who is, you might not know what I am talking about when I mention spoons, but basically, it is a way of talking about how much energy you have. If you are my wife, with untreated ADHD, you have many more spoons than I do. If you are a normal middle-aged woman you might have twice as many more spoons as I do…the number of spoons I have varies depending on how much pain I am in, what I did the day before, how much anxiety or depression is affecting me today and if there is something else happening that I don’t know about, like DVT or PE.

I never did repaint my toenails after my procedure in August. There have been lots of reasons why. Sometimes it is hard to come back home after being in the hospital and I just didn’t do it. But it is a vanity that makes me feel like myself and I should have done it as soon as I could sit up.

Having cancer has been not unlike any other diagnosis for me. I know it is there. I take my meds as prescribed. I drink my water. I have cut out some more of my favorite foods. (I should premise that my favorite foods have included tomatoes, pineapple, peppers, chilis, curries, and many other healthy foods). I do my exercises. I try to stay positive. I show up at the hospital when they tell me to. I planned it that way. In fact my diagnosis for arthritis bothered me more, it is not curable and it is debilitating. With cancer there is a chance it will be cured. The fact that I have cancer has made my body more susceptible to blood clots and the hormone treatments has also increased my chances at blood clots.

Enter DVT and PE…I was reading about them today. I am taking my blood thinners. Not the old, less expensive ones but the new and very expensive ones (donations can be sent via PayPal to karen@wellnessworksnw.com…I am not joking…these meds cost double what we usually spend on ALL my meds for an entire month, after insurance). We chose the new ones because the old ones have lots of side effects, I would have to come in for blood tests weekly and I would have to give up even more of my favorite foods and there aren’t many left.

My breathing has gotten much better the last two days but I am still tired really easily. The articles I read said it could take 3-6 months for my body to break down these blood clots.There is a chance my body will never break them down. That is not where my mind is going.

I had an appointment with my rheumatologist today. I like her but she is located inside PeaceHealth St John. I was very stressed while being there. I am thankful that I didn’t have a full blown anxiety attack and my blood pressure was only slightly high…I have lost 10 lbs since I was weighed on Friday…this place makes me crazy. When I checked in, the receptionist kindly asked me if I would like a wheelchair. I thanked her but told her I needed my exercise. I want these blood clots gone. I may move slow, but I am trying to get back to me.

I am glad I painted my toenails today…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

I am Here Now

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 10, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I keep reminding myself that I am here now because it is the truth but my mind keeps slipping back to the past. I keep feeling the cords on me holding me down. I keeping hearing the beeping of the machines. I sometimes feel their hands on me holding me down and telling me not to help them because it makes it worse while they ripped my clothes off of me. I tried to tell them that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD and I needed to be heard, but their rules were more important than me. My heart rate shooting up, sweating, and my hyperventilating were part of my new condition but they were probably part of mega anxiety attacks. Why couldn’t my wife be with me? She has seen all my parts. She is a trained CNA. She grounds me.

It has been hard to try to come back to my life. I keep slipping back into recent events and very old ones. I am always telling myself: I am here now. My emotional support animal, Xavier, is here. When she is not at work, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is here. I have my diffuser going and air isn’t cold and dry, although I am still dealing with the after effects of 6 days of cold dry air. My sinuses are killing me and I my nose bleeds all the time. I would tell the nurses about the air and they would all say the same thing: Is it?

I told my friend about some of my experiences and she asked me why I had not changed into a gown when I was in ER and I had no answer. The ER department is very different from ICU. In ER, my wife could have helped me. I was well aware that I was very sick and in need of help, it would have taken me a long time to undress and dress myself but I trust Karen, in fact she is one of the only people I do trust.

I went to PeaceHealth St John with shortness of breath and chest pain on Sunday October 2, 2022. I had been having shortness of breath since the Wednesday before and thought maybe my asthma had been flaring up, although I haven’t had a flare in years; I have arthritis in my ribs so I am also used to some pain in my chest as well. Up until that day, taking a nap helped, and by the evening the pain was a strong 7 and I couldn’t fall asleep for the pain. I finally agreed that I am not Wonder Woman and since I had never had a heart attack before, what if this was what was happening?

They took me back to a triage room right away and I was given an EKG and my stats were checked. My numbers were off and my heart rate was thready. I was taken back to a room in the ER and also given a test for COVID…which I don’t have. Eventually a doctor came in and told me he thought I was having a heart attack because my heart was creating a hormone that tells that. I was going to be given blood thinners and admitted to the ICU. Eventually a wonderful nurse was following me down the hall, which I couldn’t walk down without leaning against the wall, trying not to pass out. She was listening to what I was saying and running to get a chair. After that she talked the doctor into a CAT scan where they found that I had a large blood clot in each of my lungs. One was putting pressure on the right side of my heart and stressing it out. I wasn’t having a heart attack but that was why my heart was creating that stress hormone.

The CAT scan was terrifying. The ride to get the CAT scan was terrifying. All the lights and colors and people not talking to me, but about me. I couldn’t focus. I can’t handle being man handled. I have no doubt that this team could care for me but they weren’t talking to me or asking me questions. I had never been to this hospital for this service before. My experiences with Legacy were very different. They tell me everything and listen to me; it helps me stay calm and be part of my experience. I know the medical professionals were doing their job at PeaceHealth St John but they were only treating my body, they were not considering my mental status and they were causing me trauma after trauma.

I was trying so hard not to cry. I knew no one would care if I cried and it would only stress my lungs out more. By the time I was admitted to ICU I was a mess and that was the worst experience ever. The nurse that led my experience of moving me from one bed to the other and ripping my clothes off, while refusing to listen to me at all, brought in a fan and wanted to know if we were best friends now. I couldn’t speak. I was terrified of her. Even as she put oxygen on me, which I knew I didn’t need, I kept it on because I was afraid of her.

The next morning they brought in an ultrasound machine to look at my legs and found more blood clots in my left leg. The technician came back the next day to have a look at my heart. He could see my heart was still stressed out on the right side. That ultra sound was super uncomfortable. The skin under my breast is very soft and it got all torn up. It is still healing and very painful. He was a very nice man and that wasn’t his goal but it was another blow to my experiences…

I did have one nurse that I really loved in ICU and she was the main nurse I worked with. She helped me a lot and I really appreciated her.

Every doctor said the same thing…that my blood pressure was good and that they could find no reason for the blood clots other than a reaction to the hormone therapy I am going through to treat my endometrial cancer…that will be another adventure…all of them seemed surprised that even though I was stuck in bed I was doing exercises every day. What else was I supposed to do? I was bored and I have arthritis? Movement is the only thing that works for me. Even if I can only do the easy ones…(My oncologist did take me off the Megestrol and said we talk more on my pre-op appointment later this month).

I spent 2 days in ICU and then I was moved to a regular room. I was still confined to a bed. The doctors wanted me to have a certain amount of days with blood thinners in me before I started moving around. Just like in the ICU they insisted I try to use a bed pan. I told them my body does what she wants, but go ahead and try…and just like in the ICU I sat on that thing until I lost feeling in my rear end, with no luck. Unlike in ICU, they didn’t put a catheter in (Thank God!) but they did bring in an ultrasound to see how much fluid was in my bladder. It was fine until morning and by that time the doctor felt I could get up and walk to the toilet. Was I glad to hear that!

By Thursday I was so done. My anxiety levels were off the chart, regardless of the extra meds the doctors prescribed and my blood pressure was starting to rise to showcase that. I was starting to have bouts of deep depression that I couldn’t shake and fleeting thoughts of suicide. My blood sugars are normally right around 100-120 but they were high every time they checked and I was losing patience with anyone touching me. I actually told off a few of the people who were there to help me. I just don’t like being touched and I needed to go home. I was so happy on Friday morning when I was told the doctors finally were setting me free!

Overall most of my nurses and CNAs were amazing during my stay at the hospital. They were helpful and compassionate, for the most part, but I don’t understand some of the philosophy differences and I am frustrated that the medical profession still does not assess the whole person. I have decided that I wont be going to PeaceHealth St John for my hospital needs anymore.

I am still winded very easily but I guess my body still has not broken down the blood clots. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I am having trouble getting back into my routine. I suppose this is normal. I am still learning what to do with this condition…but I am here now…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

The OTHER Side of Suicide

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 28, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I am reading a book called Madness A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher right now. This book is her story about her life with Bipolar I Disorder and what she went through. I am about half way through the book and although I don’t have Bipolar Disorder I can relate to some of what she has gone through and I am thankful that I have moved beyond some of the worst parts. When I say the OTHER side of suicide, I am not talking about the side where it isn’t a concern anymore but the side where you are so depressed that you can hardly move and you just beg God to let you die.

I have never been institutionalized but I probably should have been. By the grace of God and a couple of friends that understood that I had been rejected enough in life, that that is how I would have taken them calling the hospital and it would have broken me more, I was able to fight my way back. Not everyone can say that. Not everyone can do that. I am a very blessed woman and I know that and believe it with all my heart.

If you don’t know this kind of pain, I am so grateful to God. No one should hurt like this. Some people have it done to them and some people have it inside of them. I had a little of both but not to the extremes of the woman in this book. Hornbacher’s seems to be all internal and what the fight she had, every day. I empathize with her and am so proud of the fight she put up, even though it looks like failure, I don’t see it that way. She was doing what she knew, until she knew better.

This is what people do. We do what we know until we know better. This is why I am so diligent to keep my head as clear as I can. Why I am very protective of my schedule, my habits, my boundaries and my family. I have three pill sorters I take pills from every day on timers. I am a little rebellious but never an hour or 2 beyond the alarm that reminds me to take my pills, that I have promised to take every day, because Karen does not deserve the wrath that she gets if I don’t take them. I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage since before COVID…I think it was on a birthday and when I do have one it will be one, and with food, and definitely after my body is clear of cancer. I have recently allowed myself 1 cup of Lady Gray tea this week with breakfast. That is my allotment of caffeine. I now drink decaf Americanos with extra cream at Red Leaf and even that is 1-2 per week. I drink lots of water or herb tea. I exercise. I see my therapist and psychiatrist as scheduled. I listen to music all day. I read a lot, books and online for news. The TV only comes on after 7 pm, when my wife, Karen G Clemenson thinks I can handle it and then we watch shows that don’t stress me out (definitely not the news). I go to bed between 11-12:30 every night.

I am boring because being on schedule helps me keep my balance. When I am off balance I become anxious, fearful, and easily set off and nobody likes that Summer, especially me. My diagnoses are PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD and Depression. I have blue days and I have days where I need things just so (I think Karen really hates those day, they bug me too). I have trouble with yelling voices, people that remind me of certain people and small spaces, wet fabric, bugs, phones and conflict. I am terrified of earthquakes, Donald Trump (although I can finally say his name without hyperventilating) and small-minded people although I know I have a tendency to be one and if you give me a minute I will remember that and will come back to listen to you after I have shut you off because I hate that about myself and I don’t want to leave you feeling unheard.

Being on the OTHER side of suicide is complete emptiness. You aren’t hungry. You aren’t thirsty. You don’t want to sleep but you do to kill time and hope you wake up feeling better or maybe not at all. You don’t want anything except for God to bring you home. You hurt so bad that you are numb and you just want it to end and you see no end in sight. There is nothing anyone can do to fix it. No one needs to worry about hiding any weapons, you have no energy to cause yourself any harm. It lasts as long as it lasts until one day you decide to take a shower…

I can’t forget Karen’s eyes during an episode, about 6 years ago. I don’t really remember what she was saying to me but I remember her eyes. Her eyes were saying: Don’t leave me. I think her mouth was saying, “You can’t let them do this anymore.” It was before I had begun to agree with the therapists that I should separate from my parents. Any interaction with them, lost 2 weeks for me. I could barely get out of bed to wash my face. My personal hygiene is paramount to me so if I miss even a day, you know it is bad. Nothing could rouse me, no music, no favorite food, no visitor, nothing. I would just stare at a wall, being tormented by their words, over and over again. I could never understand why they didn’t ever care about how their words and actions hurt me. I could never fathom that they didn’t understand that I was their victim. I was always left last.

Now I know they have their own hurts and troubles. But I am responsible for me. It is not their fault that when I see them, I am reminded of a Summer that no longer exists, except for with them and she is not the best of me. She is broken, hurting and doesn’t know how to take care of herself. They have never seen the best of me. I have probably never seen the best of them either. This makes me sad because I know we are all amazing people, if we could get past our hurts.

I like being on the side of suicide that I reside on now. Suicide isn’t an issue for me most of the time and when it whispers through my mind I can talk to God, maybe mention it to Karen or my sister, Jamie Holloway and it goes away. But that is because I have chosen to live a wellness lifestyle and that includes being mindful and not afraid of my mental illness, which is chronic and will need to be cared for for the rest of my life. It isn’t like a cold. It is like fibromyalgia. It will always be here too. Sometimes it wont bother me much and other times it will flare up and sometimes it will flare bigger. Meaning I will have to be more mindful and let myself rest more to regain my balance.

Is there loss? Yes, sort of. The sense of normalcy I want is gone because I had to embrace my actual normalcy. My actual normalcy is that I live in a body that hurts and a mind that gets overwhelmed if I am not careful with her. She needs me to be diligent with how I feed her and water her, move her, how I stimulate her and grow her. She is a chronic body and mind and I am in charge of her and if I fail her, I will pay the price so I must embrace wellness with a smile and not worry about things I can’t change and work on what I can change which are only in the realm of my reach.

It is good to be reminded of how far I have come. Reading Madness A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher is a good reminder. I don’t miss the manic moments and especially the moments on the OTHER side of suicide. I hope I am never get there again. But I understand people struggling and I think that is why I find people living with mental illness to be amazingly strong people. They have a burden only they can see and they are doing the best they can with something that is hard to describe and even harder to diagnose and properly treat. I think as we become more educated, we need to stop casually using some words. Like, Karen, when she feels overtaxed tells me she is crazy. I told her last night, that is untrue and she should probably stop saying that, when in fact she is overwhelmed and needs a nap. As a community, we should be more compassionate of people who have a battle that wont be fixed by a nap but also don’t want to be called crazy, they just need to find the person that can help them diagnose the real problem in their mind so they can begin the healing process.

What do you think?

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake!

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 15, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Essential Oils, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

3 For the enemy has persecuted my soul; He has crushed my life to the ground; He has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long been dead.
4 Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed.
5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the works of Your hands.
6 I spread out my hands to You; My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah
7 Answer me speedily, O Lord: My spirit fails! Do not hide Your face from me, lest I be like like those who go down into the pit.
8 Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift my soul to You.
9 Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; In You I take shelter.
10 Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Your Spirit is good.
11 Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake! For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.
Psalm 143:3-11

This has been a hard week.

I have thought about writing but decided to do my bible study before I wrote and each time decided I would put it off because I was not right and I didn’t want to write the wrong thing. Knowing when to not say anything is wisdom too.

Today I found the scripture that captured how I have felt and still feel a bit. I am so thankful that God is so faithful! He is so patient and helpful when we keep pushing into Him for guidance and healing.

I can see now that I set myself up for failure. I can blame no one but myself.

I chose to get my final COVID-19 booster on Saturday. I have been exhausted and my arm has been in more pain that I remember from most immunizations but Frankincense and Peppermint have proven to be the best helper.

I chose to visit a church that was an offshoot of a church I have been to before that I know has cult-like beliefs. I wanted to believe they would be different. They have amazing worship but their teachings are not entirely biblical. I know this. I was hurting a lot and I wanted to be healed even though God has told me that no one would ever be allowed to prophesy over me or heal me. I let them anyway and brought home someone’s spiritual junk.

My neurologist has been adjusting my anti-convulsants, hoping to address my Trigeminal Neuralgia with a medicine we are currently using to control my migraines. It seems to affect my moods until my body is used to the new dosage. I can see and feel this. I should stay off Facebook while we do this but I chose to become part of a conversation I should have stayed out of. Instead, a comment I made that was not fully thought about became a huge thing and one of my sibling’s adult children used a comment they used to use to hurt me. I am glad I showed restraint in my response because the next day when I looked at their comment again, I realized they were being 20 years old and not being malicious.

But PTSD had taken hold of me.

This comment had done its damage and they might as well have sliced me in two so I could have had Karen G Clemenson send pictures to my oncologist to see if my cancer was still there. I have been fighting with old feelings all week. Forgiving was painfully hard and didn’t seem to be working like usual. The pain would not go away. It has been very hard to function but I have succeeded to do my workouts on most days, do my bible studies, get laundry done and cook healthy meals…not much more.

I have worked though a lot of things and God reminded me that I don’t have to visit any churches this coming weekend so I can rest a bit more from the stress I caused myself and be able to enjoy some time with Karen on her days off. He never did say I had to join a church, that is something I crave. A family, but I have issues with family and He isn’t done working on me…

One thing that was a turning point for me this week, that really helped me stop focusing so much on my pain was the miracle that Jamie has found a doctor that will help her with her collapsed lung. You can learn more about what she is going through in her article called Update on June Goal! Jamie Holloway has been my best friend and sister for many years and I love her so much. When I need someone to listen or tell me the truth she is always there to listen and pray. She knows my heart, doesn’t feel the need to be defensive with me, and knows me better than most people so her struggle with getting enough oxygen hurts my heart. I pray every day that God heal her lungs and throat. I admire her strength and determination to have the best life she can even in the most scare circumstances.

So…I choose to forgive myself for putting too much on my plate and expecting too much out of myself and setting myself up for failure and I trust myself to the Holy Spirit that loves me and wants to see me whole by the grace of God. Amen

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

I Love My New Neurologist

by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 29, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Opinions, Wellness

I can’t say I wasn’t just a little nervous yesterday about meeting my new neurologist but I can tell you after meeting Dr. Kathleen Parks at PeaceHealth in Vancouver, I love my new neurologist! You might recall from my posts: Medical Issues and I Believe in Miracles where I spoke about my terrible experiences with my first neurologist where I felt bullied and definitely not heard. That is not the case with Dr. Parks. She not only asked me questions, she let me answer them. She examined me, she touched me, watched me walk and gave great feedback.

She had read my chart and was prepared for me. She agreed that I have probably had migraines for most of my life. She heard me that I was seeing success with my current medications. She appreciated that I still have headaches but they are manageable. When she asked me about the Trigeminal Neuralgia symptoms I told her I was having a flair now, that flossing and brushing my teeth was very painful, sometimes eating and drinking was painful but most of my episodes were only 1-3 seconds since I had been on the medications for my migraines. She let me know that I would have to be medicated all the time for this and since one of the meds we are currently using to treat my migraines is an anti-convulsant and I am not taking the highest dose, she wanted to try to raise the dose a bit to see if that helps with my daily headaches and helps control the face pain too. I agreed that was a good idea.

Although my episodes are getting longer; I had one that as 5 seconds long while flossing my teeth today, I am going to wait to start adjusting my meds until Sunday because it is easier for me to remember when I made a change if I do it when I refill our pill sorters. Lucky for me, I am not driving right now and I don’t floss my teeth when I am driving anyway. LOL! That was my main concern because when the episodes are worse, I don’t see how I could drive because the pain is so excruciating I would not want to cause a car accident.

I am so thankful that my sister, Jamie Holloway, encouraged me to fight for me. I knew from my first meeting with my first neurologist that it wasn’t a good fit but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because people have bad days and maybe it would get better as we got to know each other, but it did not get better so I had to advocate for myself. Now I have a neurologist that I can tell cares about me and wants to help me have a better quality of life.

I am so thankful that I had a day with Karen too! Her new position as the Safety and Sanitation Officer at Safeway is really making her happy. It is the perfect job for her nervous energy and she gets to interact with every department which works well with her desire to be nosey and helpful too. Plus it is a job that can be done every day so it was helpful to us that she was able to get the day off yesterday and make it up on Saturday. We had a nice time driving to Vancouver and back and even got to take a family nap together which Xavier, our cat loved. I heard him purring as his Mama joined us.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Face the Illness so you can Enjoy the Healing

by Summer D Clemenson | May 10, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Education, Fuel Your Wellness, Wellness

Note: The article was originally by Summer D Clemenson and posted on WellnessWorksNW.com

I am always amazed to hear of a person that is ashamed of their illness, especially mental illness. The stigma of chronic illness is almost as debilitating as the actual illness, in my opinion, but it doesn’t have to be. I am often told that I am amazingly transparent and for some people that is scary as hell and for others, that is refreshing. I come from people that are super private about medical histories and this is not good. We should not be afraid to talk about these things. In fact I would like to encourage you to face the illness so you can enjoy the healing. (more…)

Growing up

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 14, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life

I hear a child having a meltdown in the hallway and I want to cry with her. Children should never have to live in a hotel. It is not fun living in a hotel. At all… As thankful as I am that we have survived here over 2 years, spending every penny we have to get by, and try to establish credit, and fix our credit, and wait on programs that promised to help us, and did but had barriers that stopped us from our goal of normalcy, of freedom, of doing more than surviving, but having space to move and create, and be able to invite people over…I guess that was the upside of this pandemic. We weren’t supposed to do invite people over so we learned how to Zoom…

I look forward to playing a board game with someone. Karen doesn’t have the attention span for that…I look forward to having a kitchen that isn’t also my desk or the bathroom counter. I look forward to having my yarn at my fingertips to make whatever… I want a patio or yard to grow tomatoes for Karen and strawberries for me. I would love a workspace that doubled as a guest room but I could work at a dining room table…I miss having a table! I miss my balance ball!!! I miss a couch to cuddle with My Love while we watch movies and eat popcorn I made not in the microwave….

I have an amazing blessed life. There are people that have so much less than I do and even people with so much more who are miserable. I know God has carried us and taught us much during our almost 8 years of marriage. I know we are getting closer. Today we got a number we have been waiting a few years for…this number should be a huge blessing and this time we are ready for it. We have grown so much that this time we know we won’t blow it. We have blown it a few times before. Bad habits and bad mental health can really take you bad places but we are prepared and have an action plan.

The big picture seems like it is coming into focus and for that I am thankful. You can’t even imagine!!!!!

I posted about flashbacks last week. Flashbacks aren’t just thoughts, they are all the feelings too. It’s almost like you are there again. On top of that, I had no time to deal with myself because I had to be in Vancouver for an MRI. We did stop at Jamie’s to give her her birthday present early which did help me feel more grounded.

The MRI was supposed to be an open one because I am claustrophobic but when I got there, I found we had missed their calls to reschedule so they squeezed me into a regular MRI, literally. It was terrifying.

They handed me a ball I could squeeze if I needed them to stop but the mindful part of me knew that would only mean they would have to start over so I focused as much as I could on my breathing in order to not hyperventilate. As I got better I was able to practice pursed lip breathing which is very helpful. I had my eyes closed because when I opened them my heart would race because I felt like I was in a coffin. After awhile I started seeing flower shapes. It may have been my imagination but maybe it was God helping me. They keep the room freezing, it is supposed to be helpful but when you have arthritis it is just painful. Halfway through, I hurt from head to toe.

When it was over I was so ready to leave! Karen brought me home and I went to bed. We agreed I had not advocated very well for myself in scheduling a mammogram for the next day so Karen called that morning and rescheduled for a few weeks after my next surgery…which is coming up soon.

I shared my flashbacks with my therapist. She agreed that we should talk in more detail about this family member and their actions and what I want to do with these memories. I talk with her again in a week and a half. I don’t have this family member in my life anymore. I know they have their own trauma experiences and issues. I am not angry anymore but I don’t trust them and I don’t feel safe around them, emotionally, so relationship is not an option, even though they have made it clear they don’t want a relationship. I need the memories to not have power anymore.

These memories are potentially fatal if I had not got away. I visualized that I had been brave enough to face them and realized 1 of 2 things would have happened: 1) they would have potentially killed me or 2) they would have broken. I didn’t let them catch me any of the times they threatened me and they calmed down and we went on with life. Our parents did not have the tools to change the situation. Because they didn’t catch me we don’t know what would’ve happened. If they would have been broken their behavior may have become worse in other ways; because they cannot kill me now the only part of me that can die is the part of me that is scared of them and I might as well work on a few other people I am scared of that I don’t have relationship with anymore, at this time, as well.

I have had a lot of fear in my life. I think I am ready to let some of it go because I am also very brave, in spite of my fears.

Like this surgery coming up… I didn’t know what to expect before. Ignorance was bliss. But I am no longer ignorant. I am a little scared. I don’t like pain. This winter has been hard and emotionally I feel raw and unprepared for much of anything.

I am being really honest here but I also know that my wife really loves me in a way that makes me feel heard and respected and there are people that pray for me that I don’t even know and God is good always and He has given me dreams to strive for and I will keep trying.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.