Dear Nana

Grammy came and saw me a few days before Mom sent the email that told me you had had your stroke. I saw her in my reflection in the mirror. I had been thinking about her off and on. She didn’t say anything but I felt her very strongly. I knew it was profound but I didn’t know why until I read that the doctor didn’t think you would recover. I don’t remember her voice; she died when I was so little. But I feel her love and strength. I know she was the head of the family until she died and you had taken her spot. I don’t know what we will do now; I think I will have to become that head of my family. I think I have known that for a long time now.

It was Thursday May 25, 2023 when my mother emailed me. I know it was hard for her. I appreciate her communication. I know you understand why I have stayed away, because you told me that grandparents understand. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t enjoyed our visits in my dreams and the letters I have written you. I wish you were able to answer them. I have missed your letters to so much. As I was talking to God about you, I knew He was with you. Most importantly I didn’t want you to suffer and being unable to communicate or move was not the way you would want to be alive. I asked Him to heal what He was going to heal, knowing that that doesn’t always mean our bodies, and thanked Him for his grace and mercy for our family.

I woke up on Saturday May 27, 2023 and I had to make quiche. I had been thinking about it for a couple of days but I had not felt like making it. When I awoke on Saturday, it was the day. One of Karen G Clemenson’s friends had given us some from farm fresh eggs, Jamie Holloway had given me some smoked Gouda cheese with bacon in it and I had some mushrooms and onions on hand. My main experiences, before I began making quiche was your quiche. I know you didn’t care for cooking, but you always made Easter special with your quiche; your way. Your were always calorie conscience so you would proudly say you used skim milk instead of cream; I really have a hard time with traditional quiche because I am not used to the richness of the cream. I think you would have liked my quiche, although it would have been different than what you know. I have to be mindful of my gluten intake so I don’t usually use a crust, instead I roast sliced onions in olive oil with some sea salt and organic black pepper and this time I put some yogurt in with the eggs and forgot the almond milk altogether (I don’t buy cow’s milk); I think it was missing a little spinach for body but it had great flavor.

I was glad I made the quiche. I had something to share, when my friend called and said they were living on ramen. My friends know, if they are out of food to call me. If I have something to share, they will have a better meal. After dropping off quiche for my friend and grabbing some sales at the grocery store so I could make a yummy soup, I came home to another email from my mother: You had gone to heaven.

I cried for my mother. I know she is heart-broken.

The next day I stayed home. I did laundry. I cut up a watermelon to share with one friend. I made soup to share with a few other friends. I cut up celery and carrots to share with another friend. It was therapeutic. It was slow-paced. It was cathartic. When Karen came home from caring for a housebound friend she had a voicemail from my father for me to listen to. Our last phone conversation had been terrible but his message was sweet. He had always loved you. He knew what you meant to me.

I cried for my father. I knew he was heart-broken. I wished for all the healing we had never been able to have in our family so we wouldn’t  have to be so disconnected. This was proof to me that I have to stay away from them because I still want to take care of them and I need to take care of me now.

I have thought so much about you, Nana. I know I named you and I must have known you would be different. In fact, knowing you, you probably helped me name you. I remember other cousins wondering why we called you Nana and telling them, because that is what your name is. When Casey was born, he wanted to change your name. I straight up, told him that he could not. I had named you and I was the first, and that is the way it is. I did add, that since he was the first great-grandchild he could call you Great-Nana if he wanted. But I don’t think he liked that idea.

My other friends, if they had grandmothers, they were old and they baked cookies and knitted. I was one of the few kids I knew that had so many grandmothers still alive and especially had you, who was so vivacious and beautiful. Instead of baking, you taught me to dance the latest dances. You taught me to stop and look at beautiful things. You taught me to love books and words. You had the latest albums and you loved to go shopping. You didn’t knit but you found kits that I could teach myself to do cross stitch and your neighbor taught me to knit, so I could decide if I liked those things. You taught me the basics of sewing so I could mend my clothes so they would last longer and fit better. To this day I think of you telling me, “A stitch in time, saves nine,” and I know it is true.

You were such an amazing lady, full of spunk! To this day I smile when I think about you reading Miss Manners to my siblings and I, at the breakfast table. You really helped shape me into the woman I am today, in many ways. Thank you. I am thankful for how you were able to overcome adversity and make yourself into what you wanted to be, until you couldn’t anymore. I am thankful for what you were, and what you couldn’t be, so that I could see that you weren’t perfect, and that is ok. Your strengths and weaknesses taught me things too. You helped me be able to look around at other people in my family and see the strengths and weaknesses of Grandpa and my father, Grammy and Grandma Clemenson, my mother, Aunt Karen and Aunt Elaine and decide what I wanted to encourage in myself.

I haven’t really cried for me since you died. I think it is because I have been mourning you since I saw you were leaving us mentally. Dementia and other brain issues are the most vile ways someone can die. To see you confused, broke my heart. To never have you answer my letters or answer the phone; I knew you were dying already. To knew your long walks and searching abandoned houses adventures were probably over and maybe even reading was hard and that made me so sad. So many times I have cried for you over the years that now it is just knowing that your body is no longer here.

That hardest part was that you didn’t come to me right away. Grammy and Grandma Clemenson visit me every now and then but I was impatient for you. I knew that once you were free of the aging body and the confused mind your spirit would let you go where you wanted to go. On Wednesday June 6, 2023, I heard you! You said: Wake up Summer! We have things to do!

Yes Nana. We do.

~

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.