This article was originally published on October 20, 2022 on WellnessWorksNW.com.
In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Karen G Clemenson asked me to write something regarding the topic. Domestic Violence is a hard topic and I didn’t take it lightly, but I also didn’t want to repeat the same things we have written before so I contacted Sarah Hancock at the Emergency Support Shelter. Since Karen is on the board at ESS, Sarah was glad to loan me a couple of books she thought were very powerful to read: But, Why Did You Stay? by Mekisha Jane Walker and Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson. These books were not hard to read but they were a difficult topic and I found myself feeling a lot of emotions.
“Depending on when in the relationship you asked, ‘But, why did you stay?’ I would give you a different answer. In the beginning, I stayed because I loved him, and I believed I could help him change. For better or for worse…Toward the end, love morphed to fear that overcame my ability to get out of the relationship.” But, Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker, Chapter 1
Details about Walker and her husband Luke:
- Walker was a successful criminal trial attorney but was too afraid to leave her abusive husband
- Luke had deep emotional scars lying dormant that she didn’t know about before she married him
- Luke was irritated with Walker’s close friends, especially male friends — even if they had partners
- Luke had a bad childhood and Walker thought she could “love him” thought it
- Luke had no empathy for Walker’s migraines
- Luke was self-absorbed and everything was Walker’s fault
- Luke was a textbook narcissist and master manipulator
- Luke humiliated Walker in public
- Luke broke Walker’s things when he got upset
- There were signs of emotional abuse before the marriage
- Verbal and physical abuse began after the marriage
- Luke guarded the mail to intercept money for his secret bank account while spending Walker’s money too
- Luke blamed his bad behavior on his bad childhood and his mother’s death
Walker came from a supportive middle-class family. She was educated, smart and devoted to her career. She had lots of friends and acquaintances. She had a few romantic relationships, but they were not great and she let them go. Her relationship with Luke began fast and hard…
“He was attentive to a level I had not experienced before. The conversation was always about me. He was always checking on me, holding my hand and treating me like a princess. He put me on a pedestal that I didn’t want to come down from…I fell in love so quickly that looking back it is downright scary. Today, I realize that I fell in love with the way he treated me and how he made me feel because I had no clue who he really was in that short amount of time.” Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker, Chapter 2
Walker had no idea that Luke had abused his previous wife. He had a son from this marriage, that he forced his ex to give up her rights to, and Walker adopted him. She was always trying to keep the peace to no avail. When she became pregnant she hoped he would not hit her, but that was not the case. She had become very good at covering bruises and marks with makeup and scarves. Walker had gone to great lengths to avoid the “victim’ label for her entire marriage.
The abuse happens to all loved ones as much as the victim. Walker didn’t realize that her family was confused by her husband’s behavior when they were together, which was as little as possible. He had slowly isolated Walker as much as he could.
The background in Stacey Jameson’s story was much different. Growing up Jameson’s mom called her names, was angry all the time, and made her feel like a burden who was meant to absorb her pain. After her parents divorce, her mother did what she could to keep Jameson and her siblings away from her father.
Jameson and Leon met when they were 13-years-old. Leon’s parents fought and they also encouraged stealing. Jameson overlooked this because they had created a sense of family for her.
Details about Jameson and her husband Leon:
- Leon was a bully at school
- Leon was possessive and controlling toward Jameson and increasingly violent until she was equally in love and terrified of him
- Jameson would believe Leon was sorry and messed up by his stress at home
- Jameson thought Leon must love her to be so jealous
- Jameson knew her feelings were and obsession — she didn’t care how Leon treated her as long as she had him
- At 17 Jameson got pregnant and her mother forced her to have an abortion
- Jameson had been taught to be submissive and take responsibility for other people’s behaviors while Leon was dominant and abusive — their marriage was doomed
- Jameson and Leon were married at 19
Jameson was sure she had to leave the oppressive home of her mother — even if it meant putting up with possible abuse from Leon.
Leon had been conditioned to never hit where it would leave a mark that clothing wouldn’t cover. He often pulled her hair and hit her in her torso area, arms and legs. He had learned this from how his father treated his mother. He had extremely high standards for cleanliness in the home and the children. Jameson felt like a slave in her home. She never had any help; even when she was very ill, she was abused for being negative and ruining the day with her bad attitude.
Not unlike Luke, Leon had new clothes, cars and went out when he wanted to while their wives struggled to make due with what they had.
“That is what the abuse feeds on — your strength — like a parasite feeding on all your pride, dignity, self-belief, and confidence. Because they have none, they thrive on feeding off yours.” Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson, Chapter 22
Reading some of the humiliation these women went through, it is not hard to wonder why they stayed but to be honest, if I just waited and thought a bit, there are moments in my younger days that I allowed myself to be abused. Not physically but emotionally. But abuse is abuse and until you are ready to change your circumstances, you stay. Some people don’t leave for financial reasons or fear of being judged, there are many reasons to stay; there is security in the known, even if it is painful.
How to help a friend or family member that is being abused:
- Talk about options
- Don’t add pressure — they have enough
- Done expect them to follow your timetable
- Let them know you are always available
- Avoid comments that sound condescending — you don’t know what their life is like and you don’t know what they are feeling
- Respect their decision no matter what
If you are being abused or know someone that is being abused that needs support there are confidential and free resources available at Emergency Support Shelter for anyone that needs it, no matter what your gender or age. You don’t have to leave but if you are ready, or you just need support until you are ready to leave, or if you have been victimized and you need help, there are people there to help you heal.
ESS offers the following services:
- Domestic Violence Advocacy and Shelter
- Sexual Assault Advocacy
- Crime Victim Advocacy
- Sexual Exploitation & Labor Trafficking Advocacy
www.emergencysupportshelter.com ~ call 24/7 360-425-1176 ~ or ~ text 360-726-1003
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233
I have to say I really admire the strength and courage these women showed to write their stories. I know that other people have been helped by their stories. Yes, they took a lot of abuse, but when they were ready they got help and got away from their abusers. This took extreme bravery, when they were exhausted and probably felt like they had no other choice. People living in abusive relationships deserve our compassion and support. I am glad we have programs in our area that can offer this to people needing to get free from abuse.
I would like to thank Sarah at Emergency Support Shelter for loaning me these books to read. I searched the Longview Public Library database and these books are not available there, but you can purchase your own copy of But, Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker and Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson on Amazon.
Read My Review of But, Why Did You Stay by Mekisha Jane Walker on GoodReads:
But, Why Did You Stay?: How I Survived Domestic Violence by Mekisha Walker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Very intense. Domestic Violence is hard topic. This woman is amazing.
Read My Review of Why Don’t You Just Leave Him? by Stacey Jameson on GoodReads:
Why Don’t You Just Leave Him?: A True Story of Domestic Violence. by Stacey Jameson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This story of Domestic Violence is brutal. This woman was groomed from birth to be violated for life yet she eventually was able to get free. This was a hard read but a good one.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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