Rumination is probably my best unconscious sport. I bet if I went to the Olympics I could bring home a gold metal for ruminating. I don’t mean to. I have OCD and PTSD and Anxiety Disorder and between those three disorders sometimes I am stuck in the past, trying to fix the outcome of events or I am stuck in the future worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. I don’t always realized I am doing this until I notice that my muscles are tensing and I am feeling angry or frustrated. Lucky for me, God is always with me and God loves the people I am fixated on, more than I ever could. As soon as I realize where I am at, I pray for the people in my mind and ask God to forgive me, and them, and to bless us both with a good night’s sleep, and I agree with whatever God is doing in their lives that brings God pleasure. Forgiveness is the best gift ever!
This week the opening act for the Olympics gave us a perfect opportunity to see where asking questions and being slow to anger is necessary. I don’t know Greek history but I do know the bible. When people were posting their half screen shots of the performance of the celebration of the Greek gods beside the painting of the Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci with angry comments poised at France and the performers, it was short-sighted. One, the celebration of the Greek gods was not the same thing as the Last Supper in the bible. Two, the painting by Leonardo da Vinci, although is attractive and a show of great talent, is incorrect as well because Jesus and His disciples are Jewish and not white. Their skin should be brown and their hair would never be blonde. Three, before we spend our energy getting angry at things we don’t understand, we should always ask questions and pray before we accuse anyone. This scenario is the perfect place where forgiveness and mercy are necessary.
When I was growing up I didn’t like my grandpa Clemenson. I had several reasons. Some of them were probably based in my neurodivergence, which we didn’t know about. I am sensitive to energy and noises. My grandfather had a powerful authoritarian energy that didn’t do anything for my relationship and success motivated personality (but I only like to compete with myself). He also had a very loud voice and made loud noises that startled me. He made me nervous. I also didn’t like hugging him because of where he would put his hands. I was angry that I knew that my father had been abused as a child by both his parents and was, in fact, the scape goat and endured more abuse than most of his 8 siblings and finally moved out when he was 14 years old. I know that things changed after my grandfather stopped drinking. It was easier to forgive my grandmother because she was always caring for everyone. It was easier to see that she loved my father. When my grandfather died, I read his obituary and he did some amazing things. There were many things to respect about my grandfather. He was a very hard worker. He married my grandmother when she was pregnant and raised another man’s child, as his own. My grandparents helped a lot of the neighborhood children with housing, clothes and food. My grandparents were married for almost 50 years; he died before their anniversary. These are all honorable things. I have also learned many things from my Aunt Elaine. She has many great stories about him, where he was kind and gentle, that I would never have known about.
I am writing about this because I was surprised to have him come visit me in a dream last week. I am used to Grammy and Grandma Clemenson and Nana coming to see me, but I have never had Grandpa Clemenson come to see me ever, until last week. He was young, like in some of the pictures Aunt Elaine has shown me, he was slim and had hair. He was softer and calmer too. I don’t remember exactly what he said but it was something like: You don’t know the whole story. You only know your side of my story and your dad’s story. I felt like he was trying to tell me about my dad.
I feared and disliked my grandfather so much that I went by a made up last name in my 20’s. It took me a long time to forgive and let go of things I can probably never completely understand. But I did. With the help of God and therapy, I was able to begin to accept healing for myself and even my ancestors. My grandfather coming to see me was a reminder of how far I have come. I am thankful for that dream. It is nice to have a non stressful moment with my grandfather.
I also know that there are things I will never know about my father. I have forgiven him for a lot. I don’t see us changing though. I have tried so hard to have him in my life, but his traumas are still right on his sleeve. I don’t require perfection but I do require attempts and he will not see a therapist. We are wired the same and I think we could build a relationship because we really can, not talk about topics that trigger us but his wife won’t let that happen. Now that I am married, I understand that I can’t ask him to leave her behind, if he were to come for a visit. She will still be there. I can’t have her in my life.
Forgiveness sets us free from the past. It lets us move forward but that doesn’t mean we can go back. Mercy is for moving forward. The difference between artistic expression on the television and family is that one is for a moment and we can turn it off or walk out of the room and make a cup of tea while it plays out. It is easy to ask questions for clarification and within a few days people will answer all your questions. You don’t have to spend one second being angry or having any feelings that are a waste of time. When people we love hurt us, it is a bigger situation, especially if they keep doing it over and over and you have tried to peacefully make it stop and that hasn’t worked. But in reality the response is the same. When we feel wronged, we must forgive. Forgiveness is definitely the best gift ever. And when we are beat up and tired and don’t know how to get up and keep going, that is when mercy comes in and shows us that we are not alone and we don’t even have to get up on our own. That is God.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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