Today is an important day for The United States. Today is the day we celebrate our Independence Day from oppression and whether or not you feel as though we free from oppression, we are more free today than we have been and some of the lack of freedom we feel now is more in our mind than in actuality. We should stop at think about that for a moment and be thankful. That is a big statement but in reality, at least in my reality it is a true statement.
I Used to be a Person Who Thought She Hated People
When I was 20 years old I got a job at Lane Bryant in the Three Rivers Mall. Within a month, I was excited to be promoted to a co-manager position. I was an angry young woman. I had a lot I needed to deal with that I didn’t even have words for but I felt as if the black sticker with white letters in all caps that said I HATE PEOPLE said it all. I put it on my locker thinking how proud I was to be able to communicate my feelings. Almost immediately my boss made me take it down, so I put it inside my locker. Next she offered to write me up if I didn’t get rid of it. We worked in a job that relied on serving people. I was a leader and how was I supposed to lead people if they thought I hated them. I had never thought about that before. I have never forgot that conversation.
Since then I have been through a lot. A lot of therapists. A lot of medications. A lot of relationships. A lot of life experiences and you know what? I don’t hate people. I love them. I was scared of them. I was scared of me. I was scared of the truth. I was scared of life.
I was raised by a single parent that had their own issues. They deserve a shirt full of medals considering all the barriers they were having to overcome: mental illness without names, proper treatments or health insurance to cover any of it, having little to no help from their ex-spouse, having their own shortcomings…I could go on but I am sure you get the idea. My family is intelligent, hard-working and generous but they are far from perfect; there are layers of dysfunction that go back for generations even though each generation gets better.
I was taught to be afraid of everything. So I was.
But you know what? Remembering that the point of life is to learn to love and to overcome fear really helps. Forgiving myself and the people that have hurt me, even if I don’t know them, really helps. God did not tell me to save the world. The world is His and He has already overcome the world. He told me to be of good cheer (John 16:33). What I am supposed to do is let Him change my mind and as He does that I will change the world through my interactions with others.
Being angry and afraid all the time only makes me sick and tired and then I am useless. So I pray for the situations that make me feel angry, afraid, sad and even happy and wait to see if I am supposed to do anything else. Sometimes I am supposed to write something; maybe for my own good or for the good of someone who might benefit from reading what I have learned. God told us to focus on whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8) beating a dead horse because we are angry is not going to bring the dead horse back. Beating up a dead animal is also just going to mess up our look and who wants to look like that?…
I Used to be a Person Who Wanted to Die
Depression may be part of my natural chemical make up but it could have been a learned trait too. The parent that raised me was depressed a lot and often felt as though death was an option. I don’t believe they ever acted on it but it was a regular thought. There are a lot of behaviors I have had to unlearn as an adult that I learned growing up. Children raised by a mentally ill parent are often taught the coping skills of their parent as normal. They either have the same mental illness or they have learned behaviors. I do not have the same mental illness as my parent. I have been able to unlearn some of the unhealthy coping skills I was raised with with a lot of therapy, prayer and will power. But it took me moving away and a good friend telling me my behavior was not normal for me to realize that people didn’t melt into a puddle in the hallway without the ability to function or move when they were overwhelmed for me to start looking at my behaviors.
I spent most of my extra time in high school, when I wasn’t in classes, working my 3 part time jobs or chauffeuring my siblings around or cleaning or cooking, studying child abuse and the Holocaust. I am not sure why but I was infatuated. I am sure this was part of the reason I was so depressed. It probably didn’t help. I remember the first time I really wanted to die. I had a pair of old hair cutting scissors in my hand. I was going to shred my wrist. I had been crying and praying. I was on my knees on the floor. I had the scissors in my right hand. As my right hand moved toward my left wrist I felt a hand grab my right wrist and hold tight. I literally could not move my right arm. It held me tight until I fell into more sobs onto the floor. I was alone. I knew that was the hand of God.
I was suicidal off and on from the age of 16 until I was about 25 regularly. But each time I felt it come on I thought about who would find me and what that would do to them. Even though I was miserable I knew that killing myself would hurt other people and I didn’t want to do that. I had a friend that attempted suicide several times and it hurt me so bad that she would be so selfish that at one time I told her if she wanted to die so bad, give me a call and let me do it. I didn’t really want to kill her, I just wanted her to know how badly it hurt me. It never stopped her from attempting.
Every now and then I have a moment where I feel that panic but it is very rare and usually it is triggered by a big stressor. I tell my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and my sister, Jamie Holloway, about it and they pray for me and we talk. I don’t want to die anymore but it is good to have support. I am not afraid to die but I don’t need to facilitate it. Since I named my depression, Veda, it doesn’t seem to have the same power over me. I announce that Veda is here and she doesn’t seem to stay long. I am still in control.
I Used to be a Person That Didn’t Know What I Wanted
I was 35 years old before I occurred to me that I didn’t know what I wanted. I had always been told what I wanted. If my ideas were not accepted at home, they were stupid. I didn’t like being told that so I stopped talking and just put my head down and went to work. But I didn’t know how to do anything but go to work. The problem with that was that I had had to move back home and I really needed to leave but I just didn’t know how to make that happen. When you don’t have a vision you can’t make it happen.
I had tools and knowledge but I was still very afraid.
I am so happy that I have more tools and more knowledge and I have overcome many more fears. I don’t have all the answers yet. I am sure I never will but I know that I want to live in world that thrives in honesty and authenticity. In my world it is ok to say I am not ok today. It is acceptable to warn people that I might snap at them and I am not angry at them but my head really hurts. In my world it is ok to cancel plans because you are not well enough to do them. It is ok to say no. It is ok to choose to not become friends with someone because they need more than you can give or not give your cell phone number out to people that don’t understand that you have a phobia of the phone and they can’t not abuse the privilege of having your number. In my world a discussion isn’t a fight because I don’t like to fight but I do like to know what you think so I know your boundaries better and what is a safe topic to talk about and I want to be able to set safe topic boundaries with you as well.
I naturally want to be a protector. I have thrown myself in front of a lot of people to my detriment and I am learning to choose more wisely when to do that. I am learning better how to protect myself because that is a person that I didn’t protect well in the past. But protecting is different than hiding. Hiding is for people who are afraid. Protecting is for people that are making healthy decisions and I want to be that person.
When I was a child I wanted to be wife and mother, a teacher, a singer and dancer. When I became an adult I wanted to be a web designer, business owner, a good wife and a grandmother. I have in one way or another been everything but a mother and grandmother. Good writer…well that is a perspective and I am writing most days so I guess I am working on it. My wife tells me I am a good wife and she is the one I should ask. So we will keep working on finances and we will head toward fostering and see what happens along the way. God has amazing ways of making families and He always gives us our heart’s desire.
I Used to a Person That Was Less Free
As I have set down fears and picked up more love, learned to forgive more easily and let life happen without worrying about what I can’t control (as much) I feel so much more free. I wanted to be Wonder Woman when I was growing up. I thought I could save the world but now I just want to grow and influence those around me for the better, as God wants me to.
Now I know at a more deeper level that God is the Wonder and I am just one of His kids and I am happy with that. When He wants to use me for a miracle, I am available but I have come to realize that miracles are often not huge, but small and significant wonders that mean a whole heck of a lot to someone if they are looking for them.
You are a miracle. The fact that you read this is a miracle. I hope it blessed you. I know what I was going to write was not this and then God reminded me who I am today. You see holidays tend to remind people with traumatic pasts who they used to be and I woke up thinking I was back there until His still small voice reminded me that we had worked through a lot of that I am here now and I live in a much more peaceful and joyful time and I have chosen forgiveness so many times so I don’t need to relive my trauma anymore. I need to remind myself how strong I am and how far He has brought me.
Today is my Independence Day. I hope it is yours too.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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