I am so tired. Healing is hard. To quote Jamie Holloway, it is brutal, slow and exhausting. It takes time. It takes as long as it takes and no doctor can really know how long it will take you, especially if you are chronic because you already have things going on inside your body that count against you. When I post about what I am going through, I am sharing because I know that there are people reading my posts that are inspired. I am not trying to complain. I try hard not to complain. In fact there is a lot I don’t talk about, ever, even to myself. I might not even realize how much pain I am in, until I try to climb into bed and eventually have to get back up again to cover myself with Deep Blue Stick so enough of the edge will come down so I can fall asleep. (Learn more about Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils)
But I cried today when I spoke with my oncologist. She is excited to start back up with the radiation treatments. I asked her if it was safe, even though I still get out of breath easy and I feel like I am being pushed down. She told me it would be fine. I told her I was scared. I told her people think I am strong but it’s just an act right now. I don’t think I am ready to be brave yet. I just got to where I feel like I can stand. I have not really started walking like I normally do. She is excited about the injections we can switch to for my blood thinner while we do the radiation. She talked about Megestrol and wanting me back on it.
And I said no.
Megestrol causes blood clots. I am not back from where I was before my last episode. She agreed I almost died. She is the first person to admit that to me. I don’t understand why she would be excited to put me back on that drug. It has happened twice now. But besides that, I can feel full now. I am not hungry all the time. I feel the shape of my body changing and that is what I told her. I know I am losing weight because I don’t feel like I need to eat all the time. So now we are talking about putting the UTI back in. Both treatments were hormonal treatments to help kill the cancer, the UTI also stopped me from having periods and after not having them for 3 years, I remember why I hated them.
We decided to do more imaging. There is a chance the one brachytherapy killed most or all of my cancer. This also gives me more time to get my footing right.
My personal battle is just that, but really it is not the first thing on my mind, after I take care of my family. My heart is heavy because there is so much happening in the world, actually there is so much happening in the United States that I haven’t really focused outside of the US in a while. So many natural disasters where people are being misplaced. So many people being hurt by our government that is ignoring our rights. I knew our government was corrupt but it seems like a mirror has been placed in front of all our faces and no one is without sin. I am so exhausted by the sickness I see every day.
But I am aware of the pain outside our borders. I have family in the military. My heart and prayers are with them.
I choose God multiple times a day. My prayers are simple because I am overwhelmed and I hardly know what words to use, other than, “Please help me give this to You. Please help. Thank You that You are with them and You love us. Please give us more mercy and grace.” These are the things I say because I don’t what else to say. And I am thankful He knows my prayers before I say them. Amen
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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