I had an appointment today to see my hematologist. I had already rescheduled it once so even though everything hurt this morning and I still randomly cry, we went. I am a little frustrated with the fact that my body has plateaued at 95 lbs lost and won’t budge so it was also an excuse to make myself walk more.
I will be on Eliquis for the rest of my life because of complications from cancer. But Dr Dong said she was happy to see me looking better. It’s been a year. I have lost about 50 lbs since she saw me and also I had just had a heavy dose of radiation after fighting cancer for 3 years. My body, which rebels at any chance she gets and does not care what normal bodies do, completely freaked out and both my lungs had tons of blood clots in them, which was way worse than the first time and required surgery. So I can see how she would notice a huge difference in me today.
I was happy because I fit in a chair in the lobby that I didn’t fit in at the beginning of my cancer journey. I know this because Dr Dong and Dr Westhoff are in the same clinic at Legacy Salmon Creek. But also my dosage of Eliquis is now at maintenance level so that is a step in the right direction. June 18 is the anniversary of my one radiation treatment. I was supposed to have more but so many things happened and I said no more and then Dr Westhoff decided to order a PET scan and found that my cancer was gone.
Dr Dong asked if I was going to have surgery. I needed to lose weight to have the hysterectomy, but I now need to lose fat to be well. During stays in the hospital, where they do the tests that they do to see what they need to see, I found out I have fat on my heart and liver and so now that I have figured out how to lose it, I need to keep losing fat to be healthy and help my organs heal. I have decided I won’t have a hysterectomy unless cancer returns.
I will be telling Dr Westhoff at my appointment in a few weeks. If I have a hysterectomy, it could take a year for me to recover and, especially with where I carry my weight, this could be very hard on me and stop me from losing weight. So for now, I will keep doing what I am doing to be well and move as much as I can in a body that never stops hurting. I will deal with cancer if it comes around again.
Look for pretty things
But lately I have learned that my Spirit is powerful and connected in ways I never imagined and even though I have known for a long time that I absorb the emotions of others and I can generate change, I didn’t realize that the feeling of belonging I never felt, and always wanted, was blocked for some reason, because I do belong here and I love Cowlitz County. I love Kelso-Longview. And yes I see these two cities as one, but I don’t think that takes away from their individual experiences, because sisters can still hold hands and love each other but still be individuals, who abide together to share resources and a future.
Because today was the first time I left Cowlitz County since the disaster at Nippon, I was discombobulated. My twitching was pronounced, but maybe only to me. Karen G Clemenson keeps telling me things that I can’t remember much beyond what I need right now. I started to feel more normal when we stopped by to see Jamie Holloway after my doctor appointment, but she is home too. Although I distinctly missed home several times while we were away.
We didn’t take our normal exit when we came home because we wanted to get coffee at the Kelso Red Leaf Organic Coffee Co. so we could support the fundraising effort today. As soon as we hit Kelso my arms started hurting and it continued up and over my body. It was my skin. It burned slightly and was heavy. At first I sat with it, wondering if it would go away; maybe my body was having a moment. But it didn’t stop. As we got closer to where we were going, I started giving Karen directions because the traffic revisions, in that area, still throw her off. Finally I asked her if she felt it too and she said yes.
I have been home, in Longview, and even taken a nap. It still hurts. We still hurt. We are hurting. And, as someone who is chronic and has faced death and had to come back from it a few times, its gonna hurt for a while because healing takes time.
I love you. Be blessed.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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