I was told by someone I have known most of my life that they don’t read my writing because our opinions are so far from each other that they feel if we had just met we wouldn’t choose to be friends now. I agree with them but that doesn’t stop me from loving them. That doesn’t stop me from mourning what I would hope for most, a relationship that was mature and equal.
I am in mourning. I had so hoped we could be honest with each other at some point in our relationship; or rather I could be honest with them. As it is a censor myself a lot, partially because we when talk they dump their life on me, I listen captivated, offer support, prayers, affirm their hard work and compliment their growth. When I have hurt their feelings, I apologize. I try to change my behavior. What I am surprised by is that with all their talking, they haven’t shared their “personal opinions” with me so I can know what I shouldn’t talk about when I do get a chance to talk. When it is my turn, I am interrupted by their busy life, their spouse and in-laws. Many times they just have to go and I sit there out of breath because I am exhausted.
I am writing this because I have been thinking about this for a long time. I want to be the same Summer all the time and it pains me that I have to censor myself with this person. I don’t get apologies or complements or affirmations from them. They don’t ask me why I think about things the way I do. I don’t believe that most of my opinions are the end all. I know I have a few trigger responses but most of my thoughts could at least be altered by a well-thought response. Not because I am wishy washy but because I understand there are truths that are truth for different people and my truth is not your truth.
Take for instance abortion. I am concerned that Roe v Wade was overturned by the Supreme Court. When I post messages in support of a woman’s right to choose it isn’t because I am for abortion, it is because I am supportive of a woman’s right to make decisions about her life. I am pro life and I believe that life doesn’t end at birth. God doesn’t create babies He doesn’t want. I believe this and I also know He knows the fate of all His children. He is with each of us at every stage of our life and He has grace for every moment. When people hear abortion they don’t always consider all of the reasons why a woman might consider an abortion. But God does. He knows and His grace is big enough for our humanity. He knows that some babies are dead before they are born. He knows that some women will die and maybe the baby too if that child is born. He knows the child that was conceived by a violent rape and the mother wants to die every time the child moves. He knows that if women don’t have safe options they will choose unsafe options and now we have two deaths. I am thankful that Washington state has laws that allow women to make human decisions because God gave us freedom of choice and He respects our choices. We don’t have to judge people for their choices. God will do that. He has that under control. Life is hard enough on this earth. Other states are not as thoughtful about humanity. That is my concern for those people. I pray that God creates ways for their humanity to be honored in their states too.
I am glad we live in a state that has strict background checks for guns. I have never owned a gun so I don’t understand the need for one, yet I respect people that do. I do believe that people that don’t register their guns should have consequences. I believe they should have some serious community service time if they are caught with an unlicensed gun, that has not been proven to be used in a violent crime. Three times and they should serve time. Why? Because if you are not careful with your weapon it could get in the wrong hands and then we have a problem. At least if you are forced to serve your community, you might learn understand caring for your community. However, if you can care for your guns so well and store them so safely that no one ever finds a reason to serve you with community service hours, you deserve to keep your guns and your free time. Why do I think licensing is important? Because it holds people accountable that may not be able to be responsible with a tool that requires much responsibility.
Why do I think we need to remove guns meant for war from households that can’t be responsible for them? Because people are dying for going to school and work and the grocery store by the hands of people that are not mentally able to handle the responsibility of these tools. I don’t think the general public needs to have access to these guns. If you want to have access to these guns I think you should be required join the military and receive the training and be willing to lay your life down for our country. If you are not that generous, you don’t deserve the right hold that kind of gun. I bet once you have been to war, you will think less of wanting one of those guns because you will better understand the actual weight of that gun. Those are the type of people I want to be able to bear those guns. But I believe the same way about guns of war as hand guns and hunting rifles. If you can care for them and secure them so well that they are never a problem and no one feels the need to take them from you, you should be able to keep them because you must be able to handle the massive responsibility of these tools.
I am just a person that wants to be better every day. I am a thinking person. My sister, Jamie Holloway, says I am a deep thinker, more deep than most. Maybe that is my problem. Most people don’t think as much as I do. I don’t care for superficial or silly. Comedies and cartoons are lost on me. I sometimes wish I could be lighthearted, but I am not wired that way which is why Karen has to find other friends to watch comedies with. Because I want to be better every day I appreciate when people say they don’t agree and why. I think they care enough about me to help me see another viewpoint, even if I can’t come to their side, I know it takes courage to tell someone you don’t agree with them.
But I also don’t like to be judged and I think I feel that I have been judged by this friend. Although Trump is a trigger topic for me, which I talk to God about a lot because I know I need to be healed. I am very confused about the Republican party, because many Republicans went against their own policies and beliefs to support Trump. I am not anti-republican and I am not a Democrat. I believe that in the pure sense of both parties, both have merit and both have room to grow. I wish The United States could support several political parties because I feel like we are not being honest enough with only two. In reality there are Republicans that are very far to the right and some that are more in the middle and Democrats that are very far to the left and some that are more in the middle. The ones that are farthest to the right or the left are scary to me because I don’t think they can hear anyone but themselves and then we have no communication. In reality, it is in my opinion that we could use 1-3 more parties to choose from but it seems like when we try to add those the voters don’t support new parties. Too bad; it would be nice if we could be more honest.
Honesty is where the freedom really lies. That is where I want to be. My friend was fine with whatever I wanted to do. They were fine with the way things were, but fine if I wanted to call it quits. I hate complacency but I also love this person and I know that in the past when I have dumped people, I miss them and I know I will come to a day that I will want to know how they are doing. Right now I am waiting. I really don’t know how to give them what they want. They said they were more happy with the “idea” of a friendship than an actual friendship. So I am waiting. I think they should know me well enough to know I wouldn’t know how to process that. Maybe they really don’t know me that well, but I am too old to just dump someone that I love. When it comes down to it, that is the part that feels the most honest to me. I love them so I give them room to be themselves. Even if they can’t do that for me, maybe I will just wait and see if they can make room for me later.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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