Most people love getting gifts but I am not most people; I hate getting gifts. It isn’t because I don’t like people showing their love but gifts often meant something else for me growing up. Gifts were maybe the only show of affection I might get for months. It might be the only kindness I might get that day. It also might be a useless box of something I hated that I had to pretend I loved or I was a rude girl who didn’t deserve any gifts at all.
It isn’t that I wasn’t loved growing up, I just process love differently than my parents did. There were so many rules after my parents divorced. There were rules when they were married but so many more afterwards. Mom was pretty easy because she knew us. But since they didn’t follow the parenting plan and they fought and always through me I was so stressed out. Christmas wasn’t fun. Dad wanted Christmas lists and you had to have gifts of all different price ranges so he could surprise you and fill your stocking…very practical…Most of the time the stocking stuffers I got were the freebees that my dad’s wife got for buying other things and I gave them away.
You would think things would have changed when we became grown ups and to some extent they did. One of my younger siblings became the planner and I wasn’t invited until the last minute or when I called my older sibling…Somewhere in there I got in trouble for bringing gifts for people because I had ignored the no gifts for adults theme they had decided on because my father and his wife had decided to pay for dinner instead of buying gifts…yet they didn’t care that I couldn’t eat that food because of my food sensitivities and I didn’t care about their rule and laughed as they opened the gifts I either made or bought for them anyway. But I wasn’t ignored…
I have always wanted to be a mom. I still ache to be a mom. God brings me to scriptures about Abraham and Sarah so I don’t know what He has up His sleeve but I have faith in Him…but as my siblings became mothers I found it was so much more fun and easy to be an auntie then worry about trying to be part of their group. I adored my kiddos, my greatest gifts, up to that point. I listened to them and played with them. I tried to encourage them and we always talked about Jesus. I bought all of them their first bibles and was there for most of them when they asked Jesus into their hearts. My greatest joy! I wasn’t trying to be their mom, I always encouraged them to honor their parents and I had to bite my tongue or apologize at times. I am sure with the competition platform we were raised on, my siblings didn’t understand that I was on their side and I wasn’t trying to compete. Our goals were the same to see their kids grow up healthy, safe and strong.
At some point I was completely cut off. I was told by my siblings to not contact their children anymore. I had already been blocked on social media sites so I wasn’t able to see pictures anymore so this wasn’t a surprise.
I deserved some of the rebuttal I got but not the shunning I lived in.
Today I received a birthday card from my father and his wife. I wasn’t going to open it but Karen seemed expectant. All the pink. The I love you…the bullshit. The obligatory check. They love me, but they never email or send a note or a get well card. I know I told them not to call me but that is because when they call me, they yell at me, and I can’t talk on the phone anymore without an anxiety attack, unless it is to the doctor’s office or pharmacy. I loved pink when, I was little girl, but it turns my stomach now, and has since 8th grade, and if they knew anything about me, they would know that…but they don’t know me.
I mailed it back. The check. I don’t want it. I never wanted their money or their things. I just wanted someone to want to know me. I wanted someone to want to see me or talk to me. For years that is the present I wanted. That is still the gift I want.
I like relationship. It is always the right size and color. It is never out of fashion and if it is cared for it doesn’t go bad…but if you don’t care for it….
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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