I never considered that there would come a time that I would end my therapy. I have had at least 2 mental breaks in my lifetime. I was smart enough to be able to fake enough balance that I didn’t end up confined. I know that would not have served me well. I am thankful that the people I kept close to me knew that too. My last one was the biggest and took me a long time to overcome because it happened at the same time that my body too was overwhelmed. Since 2014 I have been fighting for myself. Sometimes harder than others. I am not done. There is more to be done but my therapist told me yesterday that it may be time that I graduate out of therapy.
I am stunned.
I am overwhelmed and then I am not. I take my wellness seriously. I have made many changes. I make changes. I will keep making changes, gradually, because that is what works best for me.
When I began my session yesterday I mentioned that I had decided that I was done fighting with the voices in my head. That the voices of people that weren’t real because they were not in my life and they had to go. It had taken me a long time to realize it was all in my head and I had the power to tell them to go away. I had help. God helped me. When they snuck back in through dreams, I asked God to bless them and keep them away from me. I asked God to love them and give us all a good nights sleep. I trust that if God wants reconciliation between me and the real people, God will orchestrate this. I don’t have to make anything happen and I can trust that because God loves me and these characters more than I ever could, or they could. I believe that God will make the heart and mind changes happen so that we can see each other in all our humanness and forgive each other and have an authentic relationship without gossip and backbiting and other hateful habits that don’t show love.
My therapist told me it was time to update my treatment plan. But I couldn’t think of what that would be. She couldn’t suggest anything. She listened to what was on my mind and suggested that we give me the space of considering this until our next session. So I am talking about this with Karen G Clemenson. Who also seems surprised that I might be ready to graduate out. I don’t think either one of us considered there would be an end to therapy.
I asked my therapist about my medications. That scared me because I know when I don’t take them. They slow me down so I can remember my tools. The same tools that seem to be working so maybe I don’t need therapy anymore, or for at least this point in my life. She said that my psychiatrist would still meet with me and maintain that part of my treatment.
I know I should be happy for me. Part of me is starting to feel that. Part of me is also feeling a bit of satisfaction because I think I knew I was coming to this point. There is a quiet I am getting comfortable with that I have never had. I have learned that I can make boundaries. I can say no. I can say yes. I can say what I want. I can be me and not worry about if that offends because I know who I am. I like myself. I am not perfect at this but I am sure that this is what you practice as you live. Loving is not just for other people, it is for ourselves too.
The thought of not needing a therapist is new. I have had this therapist for a couple of years and I really like her. I like her because she doesn’t waste words or time. She is direct. She is what I needed. I trust her. When she told me that fighting with the voices in my head is a mental illness issue but the other things I worry about are normal things to worry about and not mental illness. I thought: I healed myself…I might be normal…whatever that means.
In the end I will miss my therapists’ affirmations of my choices but that is what I have God, Karen and Jamie Holloway for…it is the success I never considered. That is part of self-love too.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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