On August 9th I wrote the following on Facebook:
I just added appointments to the calendar for imaging to see if the cancer is gone. I’m fighting an anxiety attack. I am supposed to do 3 more radiation treatments and I am terrified. I should be safe. I am taking 10 mg of Eliquis, twice a day. I should not be worried about blood clots. We have a plan for injectable blood thinners while we commence with radiation but I am just working through what I wrote during this time. I am just getting to a place where I can begin to push myself to build muscle. I don’t want to be broken down again. I’m just feeling sure for now. I don’t know if I am ready to be brave enough for another battle. Even if Karen G Clemenson is with me most of the time, I am still the one who has to fight. I am the one that has to bleed. I am the one that will wake up to a body that isn’t mine but is. I know I am lucky; my cancer is curable. It is slow growing. But it still hurts. I’m still gun-shy. I don’t want to trust people that are helping me but are going to cause me a ton of pain. I want to be done now.
This message is a very vulnerable one. I try hard to not live in this state because I know that I am here to live the life that God has created for me to live and I am not afraid to die. In fact there are very few things that I am actually afraid of for myself.
- Angry Men Yelling
- Earthquakes
- Snakes
- Personal Suffering
- Other People Suffering
But through this time where I have had to undergo things that have shown me I am stronger than I realized, I know that the prayers of others have helped me so much. Although I try not to complain too often, when I have posted that I was suffering, those posts have been overwhelmed by the caring of others and I have felt the prayers and love from people I have both met and not met.
In a world where I have chosen to not join a church per se, I have found a church family, right here on Facebook, where there are people that regularly check in with each other and support each other, even if we have never met. We pray for each other and lift each other up and I find that to be refreshing because we don’t have to, but we do.
So when the moments come when I want to be done happen, I am always encouraged by you to keep going because there is always someone who cares and gives me encouragement. Thank you.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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