I hate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They are both days that remind me that I was not enough for my family. I know my parents gave all they had. I know they loved me. But they couldn’t respect me or my requests for change I needed to be able to remain in relationship with them. So many of these days I bent over backwards to make their days great and they didn’t care. So many times I tried to have communication and it didn’t work. I served them. That was what I was to them. That is what they wanted and expected from me. I helped raise their kids and I was their go between and I never learned how to be anything else and when I asked for help, money was the only thing they knew how to give, but even though that might have fixed an immediate need, that was not what I really needed. I wanted to be important. I wanted to be known. I wanted to be heard.
I see people’s posts about how much they miss their parents now that they are dead, and it is the hardest thing they can imagine. But it isn’t. The hardest thing to imagine is knowing that your parents are in the same state you live in. You could call them, but they are not going to be glad to hear from you. They are going to yell at you about something you might not have even done, years ago to someone else, that they are still angry about. They don’t care if you have cancer. They don’t care if you enabled them to work hard so they could go on yearly trips to Disneyland without you, while you took care of their kids. They don’t care if you are living in a hotel and only a couple thousand dollars would help you move to a place with a smaller amount of rent. They don’t care if you’re chronically ill, they don’t believe in mental illness anyway; I am just fat and lazy. That is what my father and his second wife think of me.
I told my father a few years ago that I no longer want to be his daughter. I still refer to him as my father because I can’t seem to call him by his name. I had a dream this morning that made me very sad. The main message was that, even though I had always thought my father’s second wife’s daughter was my friend and sister, she really is much like her mother, she just presents it differently. They are opportunists. She told me my father had changed his will to include me, he knew the things his wife did were bad but he was stuck. I was sobbing because I never wanted money; I wanted relationship and she was already gone to do something she wanted, so I was left alone again.
The dream told me nothing I hadn’t already been coming to the realization on my own, it just solidified what I already knew. I also hope I am not in my father’s will. I told him I want nothing from him after he dies and I meant it. He has caused me so much pain and confusion in my life. Any reminder of him won’t fix what he didn’t try to meet with me on while he is alive. Maybe when he is dead we can meet in our spirits when the weight of our humanity is out of the way. That is my hope.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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