I have come a long way from the shy and hurting girl I once was. I am an emotional abuse and emotional neglect survivor. I don’t intend to give a lot of details because I am trying to stay in the now, where God is with me; not that He wasn’t with me in my past and He wont be with me in the future but He is actually with me now and that is actually where I am now. If you knew me before, you didn’t know me because I was busy trying to survive, which is different than trying to live.
Although I am super excited to have my ability to read back, and I am happy to be able to look for what is missing in me, the downside is that by searching for myself, I am opening chapters that I thought were closed for good. While reading Beloved, Walking in the Wind, Running on Empty and Think Like a Horse, there are parts of me that have been laid bare and I have been struggling with my past. At one point I felt like I was at a 3 day family reunion because whether I was awake or asleep, I was being visited by people I haven’t seen in years.
These people are not bad people, but they remind me of who I used to be: a girl who was scared, defensive, rejected, angry and abandoned; I become her when I am around them even now, so they have never seen the best of me. I have tried to tell them what I needed but, as they were not equipped to help me, they were unable to change at my request. It wasn’t their fault and I don’t hold it against them. I also know that I probably make them feel the same way because the bible says that in the manner we judge we are also judged…and it always seems like when I can be honest with someone about how their behavior makes me feel, they tell me they have felt the same way toward me…And for people who are able to grow with me, we are able to move on and have a deeper relationship.
It has taken a lot of prayer, repentance, and forgiveness (sometimes you have to repeat as necessary) to get myself back to the stronger, more peaceful self that I have grown accustomed to these days. I am so glad that God is always faithful, even when my faith is not big enough.
I can’t compromise anymore. The old me had to do that a lot. Regardless of who’s house I was in, I had to compromise to get by. My parents and siblings had their own trauma experiences and their own needs and vices. I understand that now, even better than I did as a child, but I have needs that I am responsible for and I have less spoons than most people because I have a sick body. It is not selfish to have boundaries, it is necessary and healthy.
I have set my family free and asked God for a clean slate for all of them. I will keep doing this as I need to because forgiveness is necessary in layers sometimes. I love them and pray for them and I mourn the loss of what I wanted and can’t have with them because when you feel scared, defensive, rejected, angry and abandoned, you can’t trust, feel respected or build relationship.
Why am I writing this? Because I need to appreciate the fight for my mental health. I inherited generational muck from wonderful, hardworking, well-meaning people who didn’t have the tools for themselves, let alone me. I didn’t deserve it, but I must handle the aftermath. They love me but our bad habits, make it impossible for me to trust myself around them right now, while I am healing, and maybe I will run out of time while we are all on this earth, to make amends, but I know God is good, and I trust Him and His Holy Spirit in us, and in case any of them are reading this I want them to know that even though I have no energy I can give them right now, I haven’t written them off.
Happy Birthday Jordan!
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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