I’m Much Stronger

I’m much stronger than I have ever been and I have forgiven so much. I have learned who I am and I like myself. I like myself enough to be comfortable with saying this is who I am and it is ok that I am not like you. I can say no to abusive people or people that don’t add anything to my life, especially if they know they are hurting me, because I told them, and they are not willing to change, or worse, they tell me that if I am the only one with the problem, than I am the problem.

Learning Who I Am

I have been hurt by a lot of people. I walked away from most people for a period of time, some so I could get the medical and mental wellness help I needed. I needed to learn who I am, what I want, what I need, how to take care of myself and make healthy boundaries. Some of these people had hurt me, but it wasn’t intentional, they were surviving too and I needed to know how to see myself as an individual and not an extension of them. In fact I hurt them too because I was always angry and confused and we were all being manipulated by the same people.

I am very sensitive, I am also a sensory person. Lights, sounds, colors and large groups of people are hard for me, especially if I have not prepared myself for the experience. It took me a long time to learn how to do that.

I have been talking with God about the emotional pain I have lived with for most of my life and a lot of it has healed. I used to be so miserable all the time; fluvoxamine has helped me not want to die and slowed down my thoughts so I can process them in a healthy way. I don’t feel angry all the time anymore. I was talking with God several nights ago and had no peace about the pain I was feeling. My abusers will never hear me, even if I had the opportunity to tell them what I want them to know. They believe what they want to.

Over the years, I have become more comfortable with my emotions. Grandma Clemenson was someone who cried. I am more like her that way. The following morning when I was talking to God, I found myself saying to Him that I wanted my pain to honor Him and that was different and I felt a shift. I suddenly knew why He hasn’t taken it from me. Even the Apostle Paul had a “thorn in his flesh” that kept him humble (2 Corinthians 12:7).

I don’t leave home often but when I do, I meet people and I have moments with them that mean something. Because my pain is available, I never forget and it makes it easy to empathize with people that hurt, with people who might be ignored or misunderstood by others. It helps me love them.

Growth Is Good

I am glad I was able to reconnect with my mom and youngest sister. God told me it was time. He is always correct. I had always thought I was just like my father and I do have some of his good qualities. But I see that I am very much like my mom. We are givers. We are creative. We have had some great conversations.

We have been able to clear up some misunderstandings. I had always thought Mom didn’t like to talk about hard things, but since we have been able to do this many times and we both have been able to apologize for where we were wrong, I think she was tired a lot when she was carrying our family.

I was not as clear in some of my blog posts regarding my mom. Like in I Tried to Call My Father Daddy Once where I wrote about the call to my parents to tell them about my cancer. I only mentioned my mom, because I wanted to illustrate that I called her first because she deserved it. The article was about my relationship with my father. I should have left her out of the article altogether, but since I didn’t, I should have mentioned that she called me as soon as she heard my voicemail and we talked for a while, she tried to reassure me that I would be ok and she was praying for me. In our recent conversation, she told me her phone didn’t recognize the number I was calling from, but she called me right back after she heard my message, and she did. I apologized to her but also told her that article was about how bad my father made me feel.

There were other things I wrote about my mom that must have been confused in my mind. I have apologized for things I thought were true; I should have never mentioned anything about my mother’s mental health diagnoses, especially because I was wrong. Mental health can be a real bear. I am trying very hard to remain in now and stop looking back.

There has been a lot of mumbling about my blog. It’s sad to me that people get stuck on a few articles but don’t see the hundreds of poems, book reviews, articles about Jesus, research articles and my updates about my cancer. I have been writing since I was a child. I was skimming through many posts today, and yes, the last several years have been intense, but, in my opinion, there is some lovely art mixed in with my growing pains.

I am at a point where I don’t want to talk about my abusers anymore. I have said enough. They don’t deserve any more of my time. But I do want them to leave my mom alone. When I stepped away I didn’t keep sending her messages until I was ready to return. I certainly didn’t send hate mail. I didn’t lie or manipulate anyone to alienate her. I didn’t even do what I was accused of.

Society is in Pain

This week, I was watching a video of an influencer I have been watching for a while. He is a young man that I have been paying attention to as he grows into himself. He does beautiful things in his community, with the goal of building relationship. Usually he posts great stories about his interactions with people but the video I interacted with, was his response to two young women that took a couple Angel Tree tags off a tree and filled a shopping cart with merchandise and recorded themselves while doing it, and then left the full cart in the store when they left. Immediately people were angry or sad and other big emotions. Because I used to be on The Salvation Army Board for the Kelso-Longview Corp. I know how some of the ways the Christmas Center was run while I was on the board and volunteered. So I posted that the cards were only suggestions and that the Christmas Center was probably set up like a store so parents and guardians could come and “shop” for what their children wanted and needed for Christmas. I wanted people to not worry, children would get something to open for Christmas. My message was totally meant to bring peace to those who thought that those children would not get anything because their card was stolen.

And for many my message did what I had intended.

But for a lot of people my message illustrated 2 things for me:

1. 1. Kelso-Longview is truly unlike most other places and we do things differently. I already knew this but I forgot. But it does make sense that each TSA Corp would function in the way that their community would respond the best.
   2. People have been hurt. People have been hurt by groups, organizations and people that said they were going to help. Because of this they are cynical, gun-shy and sometimes just plain hateful. This I also knew because I have been there.

I have spent a lot of time the last two days responding to people because I thought it was right to tell them that I was wrong to tell them how my corps handles the Christmas Center, when I haven’t volunteered there for several years and I have never been to another corps ever. I also told them it makes sense that all TSA Corps would function in a way that best suits their community, meaning that those cards might really be for a specific child. I have apologized to people that felt as though the Corps in their area has taken advantage of them or people in their community (I don’t make excuses or argue, their experience is their experience). I have explained that I was raised being told that I would never get every gift on my Christmas list because gifts are not the main reason for Christmas, spreading joy, love and gratefulness is. I have said Merry Christmas a lot.

I also have been discussing with a gentleman in a community group why I think it is wrong to call people names because you don’t agree with their political beliefs. I don’t offer my opinion as much as I used to. I have begun reading other people’s responses and giving a thumbs up or hug to people I agree with and letting the rest go. Many times I find people that just like to swear a lot and call people names. Those people I respond  by telling them they are an abuser. I never get a response from anyone on those. But this guy was different because, although he was calling a particular group names, he was using old fashioned names that were fascinating and intelligent. So I thanked him for being interesting, but reminded him that other people have a right to their opinion. He thanked me for noticing his great words and explained why he thought that people who believed a specific way were troglodytes and referred to a violent show that I have not seen to illustrate his reasoning. I told him that I believed that verbal violence was still violence, I had not seen that show, and I didn’t want to add to any violence. I think we are done with our discord.

My point is that our society is hurting. Many of us are hurting as individuals. Some of are hurting as families. A lot of us are hurting as a nation. Even some might say that the earth is crying out. I have to admit that several times this week, I have wanted to let my anger engage with some people. I am human and I wanted to have some vengeance. But I know that vengeance belongs to God. And when I didn’t want to let that prevail, I asked Karen G Clemenson, and she reminded me that the people I wanted to engage with, only like to fight and I would be giving them what they want. I don’t like to fight. I am trying to grow up here. I will 50 here in a few weeks, and I want to be a thoughtful and wise person like Grandpa Bill. I want to be a graceful lady like Nana. I want to by a good listener like Grammy. I want to be devoted and forthright woman like Grandma Clemenson. I want to keep creating and giving like Mom. I don’t need to let my temper or my mood swings get the best of me.

This year for Christmas maybe we should choose to be soft with each other. Even if it takes a few days to cool of so we don’t give more violence or hate instead of love and compassion.

Note: It has taken me 6 days to write this.

Image Credit: Isn’t my mom’s Christmas tree pretty?

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Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

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