Every day I wake up is a good day. Today I am exhausted.
Jamie Holloway has been posting on Wellness Works NW about Invisible Illness Awareness. I live with invisible illness and if I didn’t have my cane you might not think I was sick. But I live with at least 10 diagnoses and I am good at pretending I am fine. I have watched my reaction during Zoom meetings where I have shooting pain running through my face with hardly a flinch and a calm placement of my hand on pressure points.
I don’t require a cane always but side effects from my mood stabilizers makes me randomly dizzy. I don’t know when it will happen and I don’t want to fall so I walk with a cane to brace myself when necessary. Without my mood stabilizers, I am tormented by obsessive thoughts and am angered easily. I take my pills everyday because I hate living with myself without them but mostly because Karen doesn’t deserve my rage…ever.
I can do my workout for an hour, most days but my workout is not aerobic and it cannot be. My exercises are meant to isolate and work individual muscles and joints so I can keep moving. My muscles and bones are strong but my nerves and connective tissues are affected by fibromyalgia and psoriatic arthritis. I also have lymphedema in my left leg, which means I have a lot of pooling and swelling in my leg. Many of my exercises are meant to help my body push fluids towards my abdomen so they can be eliminated. My body is always tired but there are times I don’t have a choice but to stop. Compound movements (movement that utilizes several muscle groups…like walking) are very draining for me.
I was so thankful to be invited to walk a section of the lake by one of Karen’s clients but in reality I have had so many flares, as well as issues related to my cancer, that I cannot do it. I am still low on blood; it took my body 4 months to recover from the transfusion I needed in February and my hemoglobin was not as low in February as it was in September. When you are low on blood your organs work harder to deliver the oxygen and blood needed throughout your body. Every time I have a flare I have trouble functioning at all because my pain triggers my anxiety which makes my pain worse and sometimes causes twitching in my breast bone, where I have arthritis; eventually, if it is a long flare I tend to become depressed.
I am hoping when my cancer is eradicated I will have an easier time building my stamina again. I miss the body that used to be able to walk a section of the lake in 10 minutes and could work all day. If I push myself too hard now, I may not be able to move for a day or two. I know I may never be able to do a 12 minute mile again but I do want to complete a 5K at some point in my life…probably not in the next 12 months though…
I have lived with GERD for 20 years. I used to take all kinds of meds but now I know how unhealthy that is. I have removed many things from my diet. These same things that cause eruptive acid reflux also causes pain and swelling in my body. I enjoy my stomach not hurting so even though it makes it hard to go out or even have dinner at someone else’s house, it works for me.
I didn’t choose to live in a body that needs all the rules I live with but I have learned to love my body and usually I am good at going with the flow. I have pushed myself a lot lately, trying to feel normal and do many things I let go while I was too sick to do them. I am not surprised I am exhausted today but I have learned to do many things while seated to save my energy. I was able to make Karen’s lunch. I put away the laundry from yesterday and laid out Karen’s clothes for tomorrow (she is so spoiled). I tidied up Karen’s“corner” not a fun job but necessary. I also cleaned out the drawer in my desk. I plan to spend the rest of the time until Karen gets home resting and napping with Xavier while Blue Bloods plays in the background. Yes…today was a good day..
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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