October is hard on me. This is my mother’s birthday month. She hates her birthday. Even as a child she hated her birthday. She also hated holidays. She seemed to hate Sunday mornings and picture days. These were the hardest days to prepare for and get through. My mother has borderline personality disorder. If you know anything about this mental illness, you know what a struggle she has had. Her brain hates her and wants her to die but she is in love with her children and is highly creative. She is generous and kind but as with many people with BPD, she excelled at work and was worn out by the time she got home and I was the target of her negativity.
I want people to love my mother. She deserves it. I love my mother. But she can’t be in my life.
I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church. My mother was raised in a Southern Baptist Church. She also went to Catholic school. My father was raised Catholic. I have been taught about hell and told I will go there for the smallest to the largest of acts.
I know hell.
I won’t be cursed like this anymore. My wife reminded me that I need to get used to this because I am queer. I don’t even think about this very often. In my relationship with God, it just hasn’t been a problem. Only humans like to label me.
I was told I will pay for my belief that women’s medical decisions are to be left between them and their medical team, on Judgement Day, yesterday. It reminded me of all the times I was told I would go to hell if Jesus came right now. I don’t believe God works like this anymore but it still brought back a lot of scary memories for me.
I ask Jesus to save me and know me now, regularly. It was something I learned during my time with a Christian therapist that was helping me integrate several fractured parts of myself. It is implied that God will reveal anything I need to repent to Him for, which I do because anything that stands between God and I is sin and stops me from hearing Him. I have had a relationship with a loving God since I was 5 years old that has saved me countless times, especially as I became an adult and could begin to heal and grow into the person God actually created me to be, instead of who my family expected me to be.
I don’t have a lot of faith in people. I love people but my faith is in God. I don’t believe every conservative Christian is bad; there were many that truly helped me and loved me but I do believe that christians that let rules and dogma become more important than love and grace will not be in heaven on Judgement Day.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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