Mourning and learning are hard. I have struggled in my head this week. It is real but not something I can put on a shelf. But I have communicated some boundaries I need. I have told doctors what I needed from them. I have told my wife I need time with just her (I look forward to Thursday). I gave myself permission to change my workout because I am bored with it. I even let myself be honest with my therapist today and let myself cry and be more expressive than usual. I am trying.
My current therapist, and many before her, agree that I am an emotional neglect survivor. The last few sessions I have let it slip that I wonder if I might be on the neurodivergent spectrum…it does run in the Clemenson side of my family. She told me the she does not diagnose this but it might help me understand myself if I had an answer. She also said I explained several things about myself today that could be markers. She also said that there are similar symptoms for emotional neglect survivors, but I could very well have both.
I appreciate her listening and affirmation. When my doctor bills are caught up I will talk about autism with my primary. If this is something I can research maybe someday I won’t feel so invisible. Maybe there are tools I can learn so I don’t feel so uncomfortable in groups, and lights and sounds.
My therapist asked me why, when I referred to my parents, that I say, I wasn’t an easy kid for them. I told her I asked questions all the time. If I wasn’t satisfied with their answer, I kept asking…until I stopped altogether…I was highly sensitive and a deep thinker. Nothing was easy with me. There is nothing casual about me. I am not wired that way. I was ready to leave way before anyone else was and often found corners to hide in. It was probably just easier to leave me alone. My sisters were easier. At least that is how it looked to me and my parents took them more places while I stayed home.
I have a wonderful family. They are smart, generous, kind, creative and hard working but they just aren’t wonderful towards me, for individual and collective reasons which have nothing to do with their love for me. That is what dysfunction looks like. When I see sappy posts about loving families it is like a punch in the gut because although I have a few extended family members and some adopted family members, it is so much harder and painful to mourn family that is still alive but not available. The tears today were for them.
I am trying to learn about me. It is a process. I think I will take a walk…
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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