My Failure to Love Scared Me

He made me afraid and I am sorry. My failure to love scared me. My lack of empathy for the death of Charlie Kirk scared me. Even as I wrote strong words to explain my fears, I didn’t understand what I was doing, and that is the truth.

I took a break from media for a few days so I could let myself rest and control my input better. I was overwhelmed and tired. But as the end drew near, the very mention of his name, made me angry and so I asked God why I was so angry. Why did this one person bother me so much?

So I made myself listen to the news, listen to what was being said and not being said and later to what God had to say. The news called Kirk a Political Activists and Debater. I have seen myself as these things at times. But my need for and my greatest gift, is my empathy; something Kirk did not believe in — I heard him say this with his own mouth. There are many people groups that he did not value as I do and this hurt me too. I felt that because he believed that a few gun deaths each year, justified our 2nd amendment and this flippant comment may have warranted his demise. I was so afraid of his platform, I stopped loving; I lost my empathy.

This is where I failed. I let my fear make me small. No matter how we justify our opinions, if we are functioning out of fear, we are small and we make God small. But God is not small. God is infinite. The words of a person cannot take root in us if we are not open to them. If we are aware of who our Creator is and what our job is, we can walk tall and love big. But when we fail we can always bring our failures to God and He will help us to see what slowed us down or what stopped us from doing what He created us for. I did this. I brought my tears to Him and I confessed that I let my fears stop me from loving and He understood and He forgave me and helped me forgive myself. He is still working with me because this is no small thing and it has several layers.

I decided to find out what I had in common with Kirk, to help me know him better. We both co-founded and held the position of executive directors of our non-profit organizations. He wrote books and I have a blog and write for a number of websites. He was a host for a TV show and radio show and I produced my wife’s TV show and radio show. He and I both had conservative religious and political influences, growing up. We also have beautiful wives that are talented and capable. From there, we have much that is different about us.

I am old enough to be Charlie Kirk’s aunt, because he is the same age as my oldest nephew. This tells me that although he has an impressive resume, maybe Kirk didn’t have time to grow fully into himself. He was raised with wealth, he had opportunities for education, even if he didn’t take them, that I didn’t have. He was physically healthy. He and his wife are white and straight, he is from Chicago and she is from Arizona. My wife is mulatto and we are queer, she is from North Carolina and I am from Washington. He was raised in a Pentecostal church and chose to change to a Christian Nationalist religion. I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church and then was part of a Non-denominational church and now study and praise the Lord at home and with friends because I haven’t found a church I fit in. I have never said that Kirk was not a Christian, but the fact that there are foundational differences between us, I do think I would have asked different questions of Jesus. My relationship is probably different.

My friend Joshua Simila sent me a message that really made a good point to me. He said:

He held up a mirror for parents. We have an entire generation of kids that are overstimulated, too much technology, having extreme melt downs and can’t debate properly. No matter what side of politics you are on, I hope my kid is prepared to go to college without having a full blown tantrum during a debate. Americans have become extremely spoiled.

I work in the school system. I have nothing against our nation’s kids, many of them are full of kindness and good qualities. I have seen some of the greatest examples of compassion and responsibility from this generation coming up.

However Summer, we are seeing some of the most unregulated emotionally charged destructive behavior I have ever witnessed. I am a parent within the millennial age group. I know this first hand. Charlie is causing division that we unfortunately need. Your generation knows how to debate properly. This one doesn’t. I’m being completely honest in this. They aren’t getting consequences and having to learn. We are failing them (parentally). They deserve so much better.

I saw Mary Steenburgen and her husband, Ted Danson, on TV Sunday night, receive the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award. In her acceptance speech she said there are two main emotions that all others come from: Love and Fear. She said that we are at a time where we are out of balance. This is the reason for the work that her family does to bring more love into balance. I really respect her statement.

Robert Pape from the University of Chicago was on Face the Nation on the same night. He does research and critical surveys. He has found that although politicians want to blame all political hate, that has become so prevalent, on the media and specifically social media, he is emphatic that it is the fact that there is something to hate, that is causing the rise of political violence.

I don’t think that Charlie Kirk and I would have been friends. There were enough differences between us that I am not sure we could have enjoyed our time together. Some of our beliefs may have even made us peaceful enemies. Meaning, we would have:

• Chosen to agree to disagree
• Pray for each other because the bible says to pray for our enemies
• Do what we can to live in peace with everyone
• Let God deal with those that hurt us
• Conquer evil by doing good
• Bless those who hurt us by doing good

It is never okay to use physical violence to make your voice heard, but if you don’t feel that your representatives are not working for you, I can understand your angst. However, that means you must make time to make phone calls, write emails, hold signs and make your voice heard in peaceful ways. All violence does is make it necessary for legal action to be brought against you and people to live with the pain you caused.

We are in a time where it is easy to become tired, angry or just not ourselves. It is good to unplug and regroup. That is what the Sabbath is for. God knew we needed time to have quiet and rest and time with Him to restore us so we can have a fresh face to tackle the next week. So we can love better.

I am sad for the loved ones of Charlie Kirk. I know they are mourning a great loss and I pray they find comfort with God and each other and that they grow in their mourning in a peaceful and loving way. I am sure he is with his Savior.

I am confirming that I do not agree with any political party. I believe our government is corrupt and run, much of the time, by self-serving individuals. But I am praying that God help me to love all of them with His love because He made them too, in His image.

I am sorry where I failed you. Please forgive me. Be blessed.

Image Credit: Glazonoid

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.