I wasn’t going to write today. Today was supposed to be a visit with Jamie Holloway because she is in the hospital. However, Karen G Clemenson was needed somewhere else so, I am at home. And that is ok because Friday night I went to the All Ages Rainbow Prom and that was only one day after I had hyaluronic acid injections in both my knees and I did dance and I did have a great time. But now I need to rest. So we will go see Jamie tomorrow. But I woke up to some videos my mom sent. She sends me all kinds of interesting things but today she shared some stories about people who regretted their transitioning. They felt as though they were pushed into transitioning.
After having such a lovely time at the prom with My Love, where I wished we could do this all the time, I know why we can’t. We are all at our own level of healing. As creative as the Queer Community is, it can be unsafe to be out together. Someone has to be vigilant. Someone has to plan for our safety, not only from the parts of the community that want to hurt us, but from the parts of our bodies that are hurting. I have never been to a party where there was a quiet room. It was amazing to see a person, who was starting to get a migraine and be able to let them know where they could go to have some respite, so they might be able to rejoin us later. And I did see them with their person later. It made my heart so happy! There was only one door that was allowed to be used and there was someone in front of it always and safety people around the building, so we were safe. We could breathe and be safe. Because some of the people in our community are less accepted than others, less healed than others, and more vulnerable than others.
After watching the videos that Mom sent I decided to respond to her, because I have never communicated with her my beliefs and feelings, which are my own.
I think this proves that for many of us, gender is fluid. I am so thankful that Jesus came to meet me when I was 5. He knew I was going to struggle a lot and I was not going trust people and especially doctors for most of my life. So thank you for singing and talking about Him so that I knew He was real and not just another thing I imagined, because I hated my body, I did question my gender, I was so confused with my body at puberty and I thought I was broken because when you are demisexual and you are are not sexually attracted to people until you are emotionally, spiritually and mentally safe or attuned with them (I knew both people I have been with 10 years before I felt safe enough to consider more), you don’t feel like your friends. My friends were always sexualizing other people and I didn’t. I thought I was broken. I was confused because I didn’t even know what queer people were until I was well into my 20’s because I had been so sheltered and even stuck in my own head. I didn’t even have the capacity to imagine bisexual and when I did, I didn’t even think it would mean I would still only want my person because the world made it dirty, and didn’t let it just be honest. But I don’t have the ability to commit to more than one person or even be casual so even being my friend is truly a compliment, because I treat most people like they are at different levels of acquaintance.
That is why I don’t question people who are working on their gender story because it is theirs. They need to figure it out. I will call them what they want. I will listen and let them know I might forget, and that is not because I don’t care about them, it is because I just forget things and I don’t want them to feel bad if I ask them again, later. I don’t question anything they choose to do to feel safe or happy in their body, because I have been miserable in my own. And if they change course, I will roll with them when they do that too. But they might have to remind me of some of that too.
The transgender people I know who have gone through transition, whether through medication or surgery, were adults before they ever started. They were capable of making decisions about their bodies. They were at least 20 something or even 30 something. I do not believe in doing anything beyond counseling for children. And when I say counseling, I am also talking about family counseling because the unit needs help to meet the needs of a child who is potentially wanting to end themselves. It would have to be proven to me after living with a child who has been in serious counseling, seen by all the doctors, evaluated by teachers and maybe even talking to their friends, that I might consider discussing with Karen, that we might need to consider a hormone protocol to avoid suicide, because a dead child cannot heal from anything. But during all of it, my child would be told they were loved. I would not care about clothes, hair, makeup, their name, whatever hobby, sports or anything healthy and safe and encouraging they needed to live and grow.
I think a lot of young people have been guinea pigs for hormone therapy. Something like how psychiatrists over medicated people in the 90’s. Unfortunately they had to learn on somebody.
I may not understand everything or everybody, but I do understand hating myself and being judged and condemned. I try hard to understand but I am still trying to learn myself and I have a lot going on inside my body. And something new is often popping up. That doesn’t mean I don’t love people, it just means that my capacity to handle their newness, is often muffled by the ringing in my ears, the shooting pain in my face, the aches or explosions I feel all over, the general ickiness I live with, the emotions that might be mine, or everyone else’s because I am an empath or any other thing I am constantly juggling. I am always telling myself to shut up and listen and it is sometimes really hard, but I always try. I am a high frequency person and I know I affect others and I am trying to learn how to be in a room and stay gentle.
My regular speaking voice is soft, but if I get angry, which I try super hard, all the time to remain calm, however, if I have had enough, my stand up for myself voice can be heard and felt 2 blocks away and it often takes a few weeks to show people that we are all ok. And I know it sucks because most people are at least a little bit selfish and they might not know it, but they are, and my capacity to forgive is very generous, until I need to tell you, and usually I wait too long, and when you interrupt me, it pisses me off because it is rude. Because we both have the right to be heard.
My opinion is mine; it does not mean I hate you. It also doesn’t mean I am not willing to change it, but if you attack me, I wont be able to hear you because I have been abused too. There are different ways to be transitioned and it isn’t always about gender. Sometimes it is about being heard and learning to love yourself, when no one knew how to do it before. We should all try to be more gentle with each other, but I think we all are trauma victims and we all need more love than we realize.
I love you. Be blessed.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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