I have a person from the past that emails me. I always respond but I don’t tell them too much. Just enough. I know they love me but our relationship has always been toxic. It isn’t their fault. They are a good person they just need some help and I can’t give it to them. I have asked them to go to therapy, take the meds that a medical professional suggests, get better. They know that I have chosen to keep them out of my daily life, they always elude to that at the beginning of their email. It is part of how they communicate. If they tell me anything about themselves, it is how overwhelmed they are, a complaint about something they won’t get help with, but could. It is a pattern they are following because that is what they know. They never answer any questions I ask. They never ask any questions about me. These two statements tell me they still don’t know how to have an equal relationship, where I won’t be expected or needed to be the servant. I am afraid to let them closer to me partially because my blunt and honest communications style hurts their feelings and also their need to be served fits into my old patterns that triggers all my mental illnesses: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.
When they first emailed me yesterday, I told them about a few things that have changed and things that were coming up. They never respond to my emails. I was surprised to get a response on the same day. In their second email they were telling me they were surprised that I responded. But I don’t understand that because I always answer their emails.
They wanted to walk with me. I told them no. I can’t do more than email right now. I said this for many reasons. First, I can’t go back to the old relationship we had. I need proof that they are different and they haven’t shown me that they have done anything to get better. Second, the actual type of biological relationship we had is not going to work for me and I don’t think they can just be my friend; because they haven’t proven they are doing anything to get better. Three, when I am walking I don’t talk; I am in pain. Every step is excruciating and I am just trying to get through the walk. I don’t want to hurt their feelings but my walks are all about me getting through it and I am not social at all.
In the past when I have tried to take care of myself and set boundaries I have been told I was selfish; this person suggested that I always have to have things my way. I am a neurodivergent person and a chronically ill person. They are right. I do have to have things my way sometimes, but not because I am selfish. I have a sick body and mind and many times I am not in control of what she is going to do, but also I wasn’t made to be a servant to my family; I was made to be a servant of God and He doesn’t ask me to give until I am sick like my extended family has.
I am not without compassion and empathy for this person. I pray for them and love them but I can’t save them; I have tried many times but I know now that it is not my job to do that. I also know how strong and capable they are to do this for themselves. If this person wants me in their life they are able to get the help they need to overcome the things that overwhelm them for their sake and mine. I know because I have done it and continue to do it. It doesn’t happen over night. Wellness is a path that we walk for the rest of our lives but it takes us choosing to make the necessary changes. I have seen this person make many positive changes in their life. If they want me in their life they will go to therapy, learn how to set and respect boundaries, learn how to have a balanced relationship and see me for who I actually am and not for who they want me to be. Until I can see those changes, our relationship will have to be email only.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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