I have been angry for a few weeks. I knew somewhere I needed to make amends but I didn’t know where the apology was supposed to be headed until today. My sister, Jamie Holloway, sent me a link to the cover song version of “Voices Carry” sung by Kate Hudson. I really enjoyed their version but I was getting angry while hearing the words…Shush…voices carry. Shut up! Voices carry. I hate the phrase “shut up.” I wasn’t allowed to use that term growing up. I wasn’t allowed to use it but other people were allowed to tell me to shut up. Don’t tell our secrets. Don’t tell your dad this. Don’t tell your mom this. Don’t say this. Don’t say what I said…
You know what? I am done being told to not speak.
I am a good writer. Not only do I have people that enjoy what I write but I got you to respond. You don’t know if that beautiful poem is about you but it got you to move. It also got whoever sent it to you to move. What a compliment.
I have always wanted to be a writer even back when I was a kid and found my journals in the garbage can. I write because I have to. It is who I am.
This is part of a letter I sent to someone recently. They had asked me to keep our conversations out of my blog. I told them I would use discretion. I didn’t promise I would not write about my life. I didn’t consider my poetry, where I process my emotions and some of my dreams, but they were concerned about one of my poems where they were neither named or quoted and I am not saying it was or was not about them now.
I spoke to my therapist about my letter because in the rest of the letter, for the first time, I was honest with this person about myself. I have never been honest with this person. I have known them my whole life and never been honest with them because when I have been, I hurt them and their idea of me and they wont go to therapy. I don’t want them to not have someone to go to, who can explain to them that I don’t hate them, but I have to be free to be myself and to protect myself too.
You know what he told me? He told me that sometimes we need to talk and write about what happened to us. He told me that if anyone didn’t like what I had to write, they were free to not read it. If anyone asked them about my blog they were free to tell anyone they knew that they choose to not read it.
It made sense to me. I don’t choose to read much about Trump. I don’t choose to say much about him. When asked about him, I say, I don’t choose to read or speak about Trump. Why? Because the first two years of his presidency I couldn’t say President Trump without having an anxiety attack. I avoided Twitter, yet I couldn’t turn on the news without the press telling what he tweeted. He loves chaos and I hate it, so I avoid him.
If what I write bothers you. Don’t read it or talk about it.
This aligns with the bible too. God tells us that until we let the light of truth in we can’t heal. I have been in the dark for a long time and I am getting used to holding my wounds in the light where they can be healed by truth.
I owe a big apology to myself. I am sorry Summer. I have let people keep you quiet, when you didn’t want to be; sometimes when it hurt you to be quiet. I have let other people stifle you from sharing some of your healthy thoughts, and good habits. I have let others abuse you with your own silence. I don’t just share my life here to show off that my brain is healing and that I am growing, although I am very proud of that. I am hoping to get the attention of other emotional abuse survivors who need to know that it is ok to mess up. It is ok to speak. It is ok to try. It is ok to fail. It is ok to leave. It is ok to do what you have to do to get better. You don’t have to let people hurt you just because that is the way we have always done it. It is ok to expect change before reconciliation. It is ok to not want reconciliation. It is ok to not be sorry for telling the truth and say YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET AN APOLOGY FROM ME FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME.
I have a great life because I expect authenticity and the attempt at wellness from the people in my life. I am done with chaos. I have found my voice.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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