They Have Not Chosen Me

Today was a special day. A birthday. They are hard. Days for special people that I love with all my heart that I can’t reach because they have not chosen me. Jamie Holloway suggested we have cake and sing, “Happy Birthday.” She was right. It helped a lot.

I have been trying very hard to not write about certain people. I want to be done with them but they still live in my dreams. They are still in my history. They still make me cry.

I recently texted something I needed to say to my mom, but I couldn’t say it to her. I don’t need an apology. I just needed to tell her. People can only give what they have. Most people don’t have the words I need. That is what Karen G Clemenson and Jamie and a few others that know who they are, are for.

Mom said that she thinks the blog is what really triggered these people. Whether that is what she meant, I felt some blame in that phrase. I am not angry about it. We don’t have to agree to love each other.

I never pulled all the heads off of someone’s dolls until they made Cabbage Patch Dolls and I couldn’t do it anymore so I outlined their mouths with blue ink. I have never chased anyone around a house with a knife on more than one occasion. I have never kicked anyone in the stomach over and over again while they begged me to stop. I have never stolen anything from anyone, especially their senior year, year book with messages from people they can never replace. I never helped someone buy their psych meds and then told everyone about it. I never told people I paid someone to do something that they did for free. I never poured river rock on top of the flower beds they dug out by hand and planted bulbs that they never saw produce. This is the short list. This is the list of only one person. This is the list that hurts the least.

This is the substance of a system that I was not born into but it became as I grew older and things changed; while my family changed.

I was told by several therapists that I should leave my family. I loved them. Most importantly there were sibkids (kids of siblings) that I adored and I knew if I left, I would never see them again because the system was what it was, so I stayed.

But when I got really sick, the kind of sick that doesn’t go away, I realized I had to change. And when I prayed to God for a partner because I really didn’t want to live anymore, and I didn’t want to live alone because even though I was surrounded by people, none of them ever chose me, there was Karen. So we married and even though nothing got better right away, I had some joy. One day we came over for dinner and my mom even told me how beautiful I looked. I didn’t know what to say. Joy does that for you.

But we tried to be part of this system and Karen was watching me get worse. And one day after a visit when I was unable to stay awake or get out of bed, she came home from work and begged me to get out of bed and eat something and take my meds. She begged me not to let them take me away anymore. And when the depression subsided and my mind came back around, I realized I had to make a choice, so I called my mom and then my dad and I told them both that I had to take a break from them. I didn’t know where the pain was coming from and I needed a break. My therapists suggested a complete cut, but I didn’t want that. I had hoped that it would just be a break.

But my sisters heard about it and they cut me off and took their kids. My only pure joy.

Ms. Colvin, my father’s second wife remained who she is. My oldest sister remained who she is. My older, younger sister stayed who she is. My father chose who he always chooses. There were lots of terrible things.

It became permanent.

I cannot and will not apologize for my writing my truth. I cannot and will not apologize for living authentically. Abusers need to be outed. I deserve to be advocated for. I deserve to be my own hero. I have earned my freedom. I will never get back the love I wasn’t given and that I deserved.

God is a God of reconciliation. It is because He healed me so much that I could hear Him when my youngest sister reached out to me and He said it would be ok, that I read her message about our mother that I have had amazing moments with her. But I have fought hard to be able to stand in my truth. I will not sit down now. I will not be quiet and let things be.

I will not attack my abusers on purpose. They do not have to read my blog.

It is their love for drama that created my need for the outlet that sometimes my blog is. This is my 653rd article on this website. These articles that might bring them up might take up only >5-10% of all of them. I am a warrior. I have beat cancer. Jamie reminds me of that all the time. I may have spent most of the day in bed today, but tomorrow I will get up and have a great day.

I am free from the system that my extended family holds dear.

Oh BTW I beat cancer!

 

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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

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