A Reconstructed Easter

I have been undergoing what many believers are calling deconstruction since I was 25 years old. It happened by accident but it became on purpose pretty quickly. My car broke down and no one contacted me until it was my turn to dress the communion table — 6 months later. But I have been under a huge transformation before that. Since then I have also undergone many huge changes in my life and this year I am considering the joy of what I am going to call a reconstructed Easter.

I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church. I had already met Jesus when I was 5. He came to me when I was playing by myself under the apple trees in my backyard and He was always with me after then. My mom took me to the paster at our church and we talked. Then I was enrolled in a class to make sure I understood what I was talking about. There was a workbook and everything. When I was 7 years old, I was baptized in front of everyone at the church. I remember fighting with my father because I wanted him to come. He was raised Catholic and he said he was not allowed to go to other churches. I think he came. But I remember every moment of being baptized. I was so nervous. But Pastor Cotton was slow speaking and methodical and that helped. He had told me what we would do beforehand and I was so excited. When I came back to the church sanctuary with wet hair, everyone was so happy for me. I had invited all my friends, but I don’t think they came; however I kept telling them about being baptized at school on the playground at Columbia Valley Gardens Elementary School.

I loved church. I loved to read my bible. I didn’t understand all of it, but I would read it. I loved to sing and was excited to be part of the children’s choir. I think I sang my first solo when I was 9. I am pretty sure my father didn’t come that time, because he had left by then. As I grew up in the church, I was pulled out of youth group when they needed help in the nursery. I tried to be part of the adult choir but I didn’t have time. I had already been hired by the church to work in the nursery by 15, and I was a nanny for a local family and I babysat when I could fit it in for other families in the church. I also was the oldest in my house and my mom needed help with my younger siblings. But I sang solos.

When I graduated high school, I didn’t need to look for a job because First Baptist Church of Longview also had a daycare and they needed a preschool teacher. I was hired before I graduated high school. I had taken Early Childhood Development classes in high school, volunteered at a local private grade school and was planning on continuing my education at Lower Columbia College, so this would work into my plans. During the summertime I would teach Vacation Bible School. On Wednesday nights my friends and I taught the school age kids bible classes.

My life was devoted to my family and my church. I had never had time to be a teenager. I had never considered rebellion. I had always done what I was told. But I was also an emotional neglect and abuse survivor. I had some chronic health issues that we didn’t know about. I didn’t know how to take care of me. I had always put everyone else first.

Then the church daycare closed and I had to find another job. I had not been able to pass one of my classes at college and it put my grant on hold. I could not afford to pay for a quarter of school on my own, so I could fix my problem at the college, so I just worked. I got hired on at another daycare and got a night job, hoping I could afford to go back to school. It didn’t work out that way. I got distracted and started to rebel a little. I was 20 years old. I dyed my hair pink.

The church stopped asking me to sing. It was 1996.

They still needed someone to take care of their kids though, so I didn’t lose my job, but no one took me under their wing. I can’t say I didn’t experiment with a little cannabis but it wasn’t much; nothing to worry about. I have always been a practical person. They were losing me. My Sunday School teacher did take me to lunch once, but no one else.

One day, after walking with Jesus for 15 years, I heard the voice of God. I was sitting in one of the back pews, my new spot, since no one talked to me anymore, short of the fake church hugs after service. And I verbally heard a voice in my right ear. I had never heard it before, but I hear it regularly now. The voice said, “It is time to leave now. They can’t teach you any more.” I was shocked! No one was sitting behind me. But my heart felt so warm and I knew it was God.

I stopped going to church for a bit after that. I had visited a few churches before that, but they were all too out there for a girl that had been indoctrinated into such a conservative belief system. I had taken up smoking cigarettes. It was the most rebellious thing I could do. My mom and Nana were viciously against smoking but Winnie and Ms. Colvin were chain smokers and most of my closest friends, at the time, were smokers. I have always been naturally rebellious about fads, I sometimes am shocked that this one caught me. So one Sunday, while I was laying on a past friend’s bed smoking, she didn’t know what to do with me. I had drug her to church so many times. She finally said I could not spend all day smoking on her bed. We had to go to church. I told her that was fine. I refused to drive and we would not go to First Baptist. She lived on Commerce, so we walked down to a church that is now New Life, but it is was a different church back then, I don’t remember the name. I was amazed. They were closed. So we walked back to her apartment. But on the way we heard this awesome music. It was rock n roll, but it was talking about Jesus. I stuck my head in the door and I saw a couple with mohawks and dog collars on. There were people dancing, like real dancing. There was a full band with drums. And no one looked at me with my, now purple hair like it was anything other than beautiful. So we walked in.

I was getting ready to flee because there were people shaking; although it did amaze me that there were people nearby, ready to catch them. The people singing in tongues scared me, but there seemed to be people that sang out something in English that seemed to make me feel better and connected. There were people like me that were quiet and contemplative. There were people with banners, dancers, people reading their bibles. Everyone was doing their own thing. As I was about to climb out of my skin, because I have never experienced this much freedom, Pastor Jeff got up and said something like: I am so thankful that we are all free to move as the Spirit leads us.

Something about his words made me decide to stay and learn about this freedom that I knew nothing about. I had always known about programmed everything. Evangel Christian Fellowship, at the time, was sharing the building with Father’s House on Commerce Avenue. The building was raw and we sat on fold up chairs. I love it. I had come from red carpet and wooden pews. Most of the time I would show up early, walk around the building praying about whatever came to my heart and then I would sit on the floor to the left of the building and the stage during the teaching time and I would greet people and pray and eventually I became a dancer. After the teaching time, I would move my things near a friend, throw off my Birkenstocks and let my body move as the Spirit led me. Occasionally I would pick up a banner, but the Spirit led me through movements that made my arms like banners most of the time. I could dance for hours sometimes.

I went to every class and service I could get to at both churches and even some at Evangel’s parent church, Shekinah. I was learning valuable things. And sometimes I could hear nothing. I had learned that God hedges us in sometimes and sometimes He would not let me hear what people were saying when it was not something He didn’t want me to know because it wasn’t true. I experience this in conversations where people are lying in any situation that God doesn’t want me to have to heal from something new. I am glad that I have not had to deal with some of the issues that some Christians going through deconstruction have had to heal from. Sometimes I even hear the truth, while I see people’s lips move to their lies. It always amazes me.

As I became more involved at Evangel, I did not get involved with the children’s ministry on purpose. I was never asked to be part of the music ministry, well once I was, but it wasn’t for Evangel, but for a specific pastor that moved a lot and I was on my way out and I knew I could not be what this pastor needed so I declined. I did get involved in my generation’s bible studies and we had a great time. I also gave rides to people that didn’t have transportation and I set the communion table at my scheduled time. And then my car broke down. I contacted the people I drove and they found other means to get to church, but no one contacted me.

At the same time I suddenly realized that I had walked with Jesus for 20 years and I felt like a toddler and not a 20 year old. So I challenged God to grow me up. I set it at His feet. I said I will talk to You when You talk to me. I am not going to read my bible unless You encourage me. I want You to prove Yourself to me. I don’t really have any moments where I can prove to anyone that He did these things, but I have moments where I knew I was not alone and He was showing me that He loved me and He was proving it. There were moments that I was stronger. There were moments that only He could have done what He did. When Evangel called to remind me that it was my turn to set the communion table, I told them I had been gone for 6 months and no one had called me. They needed to find someone else to set the table.

2 years later I came back. I had changed; not only had I quit smoking but I knew myself and God much better. They had changed too. They were programmed. The freedom was gone. Somewhere in my sabbatical, I had focused on one scripture and prayed through many thing to cleanse a lot of burdens through it and I was different. And eventually I had added the verse after it and it made it even more powerful.

Galatians 2:20-21

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God; for it righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain.

The Baptist church I was raised in had taught me that every answer was correctly answered by Jesus on the cross, but they still lived by programs. Now Evangel was doing the same thing and when I corrected my pastor during a sermon, he did not appreciate it. I had gotten so used to stopping during my bible study time, to ask God to show me where I didn’t understand, why this verse conflicted with this one, that I had forgotten that humans are not God. They don’t see inside my heart and know that I am just curious and want the truth, I am not meaning to make them look bad.

I have visited First Baptist again too. And been amazed that 10 years had passed and even though they got a new building, they were preaching the same sermon.

I don’t believe in organized religion anymore. I think it can’t foster real growth because it must keep the people in the building so it can pay the bills. But the people are needed outside the building. And society and politics have castrated the church. Yes. I said that. Because the last church I went to, I was greeted at the door, not by a human but by a row of computers ready for me to give my money online. And during the message I could not hear most of what the guest speaker was saying.

At the last funeral I went to, I got to hear why men are superior and I am going to hell because I love my wife. It was a funeral. Why was that important? Bob knew both, my wife and me; he loved us both.

Today I had a conversation with my mom about Easter. This will be the first Easter that Karen G Clemenson and I spend with anyone on the actual day. Karen usually works and we tend to do something on a later day with Jamie Holloway. Mom is very excited. In an earlier conversation I had told her that Karen had said that she doesn’t think about Easter. I understood this. We don’t go to church and we don’t have children around and we don’t have people that invite us over to celebrate with them. When you don’t have community or children, you have to make your own celebration and tradition. I never talk about it but I usually make a quiche on Easter because Nana always made quiche. I make quiche regularly because we like it, but Karen didn’t know we eat quiche on Easter because it was something Nana did and I quietly remember Nana on Easter. I had told that to Mom and now she is preparing for us to make quiche tomorrow and a salad much like Waldorf salad, which Nana also loved.

This year, I have enjoyed several holidays more for the first time in years. Part of my mental and emotional healing was to separate myself from family. I had to do this so that I could focus on me. Learn how to take care of myself and listen to myself and just heal. I was telling a friend, that is having trouble with their family, that I would be glad to listen if they need an ear. I understand having to separate from family. I understand that sometimes certain people are not going to change and you have to stay away from them because they are dangerous, but sometimes you get to reconnect with the ones that are safe. I am enjoying having Mom and Sarah back.

I was talking to Mom about Winnie and Ms. Colvin (Winnie’s 2nd wife) and my other siblings. They are not safe. They don’t think they are wrong. Specifically Ms. Colvin and Shannon are very much alike and I can’t be around them. The rest of them are beholden to the two. I think of money and things as tools. They are a means to an end. I value being heard, respected and loved. All I have ever really wanted was to be able to have good conversations with my father. But that is not allowed. When I am with these people I feel like shit and it has a lasting effect on my psyche and overall well-being for sometimes weeks afterwards. I can’t afford that. She has been worried about me financially. I appreciate my mother’s worry. But God always takes care of me. Ms. Colvin and Shannon need money and things. They can have everything. I choose me.

I told Mom that TyAnne said that her mother, Ms. Colvin, used to whisper things to me. I don’t remember. I have disassociated many things about my childhood. Mom suggested that maybe Ms.Colvin is the one that told me the things that I thought Mom had said to me. I can’t argue. I do know that I have confused their voices in my head on several issues regarding the Clemenson family, why not my own mother. Ms. Colvin has always hated me and Mom. Mom wanted to know why I think she hates me. I told her because Ms. Colvin can’t control me. I am not easily bought. Yes. I have needed money at times, but I have always paid it back. I don’t care about things and money. What I want, she can’t give. She doesn’t have it to give.

After that, we decided to go back to our talk about our Easter celebration. Mom has this friend that she is so excited to have coming tomorrow. Her name is Margaret and she is from Ireland and she is a devout Catholic. She was telling me all these lovely things about her, It made me wonder if she thought I might have trouble with her beliefs. I don’t. Finally I told her about our friend Jordis. Karen and I worked with her at Professional Communication Services. She was the most wonderful and generous lady. She too was Catholic. The meanest thing I ever heard her say about someone is that they made her tired. She cooked for people and gave when people needed help, until her dying day. No one knew she was wealthy because she lived in a modest home and kept repairing her old car. Mom said that Margaret was the same way. I know tomorrow will be lovely! Margaret is going to serve communion. I have not had communion in years.

Today I read an article by an ex-Southern Baptist Preacher. It reminded me of a lot of things. I think I am farther along in my journey than he is. Which I am thinking I will name my reconstruction phase. I know the bible tells us that God will never leave, nor forsake us. We have been made in the image of God. There is no male or female, we are all one in Christ; which leads me to believe that sex is a human issue, not a God-issue, since in heaven we are not given into marriage and we will have heavenly bodies. Jesus said to give freely and out of abundance, not exhaustion. This explains the need for a day of rest and also giving out of love and not expectation. I believe in the separation of church and state and I think Jesus did too because He said to give to Cesar what is his. Jesus said that the most important commandment was to love the Lord our God with all our hearts, soul and mind and to love our neighbor as ourself. If we are loving our God with all of ourself and God is God, with no evil in Him and He made everyone in his image and we are free from the law that causes sin, we don’t need laws because we will naturally love each other, care for each other and not abuse each other. When you rely on laws set by government to tell you what your rights are, you might forget what your responsibility to everyone is, who is made in the image of God, and also has His breath in their lungs, just like you.

But I am not perfect, so I am so thankful for grace and forgiveness.

Do I believe that Christianity is the only answer? I know that there are many religions and most of them have a golden rule that comes down to love your neighbor as yourself or treat others as you want to be treated. The rest is details. Rituals. Rituals are for people to make them feel safe. Much like making quiche on Easter because it reminds me of Nana. Who’s handwriting was just like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. Who taught me many good habits and loved me as much as I could stand it. The same woman who married Grandpa Bill and eventually told me I could stop calling him that and just call him Grandpa (she didn’t know that he was so special and part of it was his name, but I dropped Bill, however I still called him that when I spoke about him because I wanted people to know I was talking about him and not my other grandfathers and I made sure he knew he was the best Grandpa ever). God is the same way. I know if I call Him, Bob, He will answer me because He knows my heart.

When I was a young lady and I sang at First Baptist, I sang some of the most gut-wrenching songs about the crucifixion at this time of year. It was hard to learn them and sing them. I was glad when the season was over. I have heard some of the most bloody stories ever about Jesus’ death and it always bothered me. Not just because it was the most violent and brutal death imaginable but it just seemed like we were focusing on the wrong thing. Much like Winnie and his crucifix with Jesus still on the cross. I always told him, Jesus isn’t on there anymore. We should focus on our new life.

Now as I begin to define my new life in a new way I am enjoying new thoughts. I can’t remember the term that Brandan Robertson used but it basically means that God reconciles all of us to Himself in the end. That hell is not something in the end. We all go to God in the end. When I read that, something clicked into place for me because I believe that hell is now, when you choose to not love. It is a natural consequence for not loving. If God made us for His good pleasure and time is for Him to manipulate, why wouldn’t He be able to reconcile us to Himself, because He wanted to?

I have read the crucifixion story so many times over the years. From the perspective of all the gospels and Paul, of course. I always get into the Jesus parts. I am always worried about Him. I know He has to put the soldier’s ear back on and He has to get control of the disciples. He is going to be beaten and lied to and about. He will be completely humiliated and yet in all of it, He will not save Himself because He has chosen to save me; to save you. For generations the Jews had chosen money and things over God, they chose laws over people. Because that is what humans do. But you know what else humans do? They streak.

Yep. In a message from one of my favorite teacher’s Reverend Joseph Yoo, he, is telling the story about when Jesus is being arrested in Mark chapter 14. Everything is crazy and this young man wearing nothing but a linen cloth is running by, and a soldier grabs him, but the guy slipped out of his cloth and runs away, completely naked. I love to listen to Rev. Yoo because he is just an honest guy and he keeps things authentic. Also he tends to bring scripture to a new place for me. A human place because God made humans. He loves humans. The story of the crucifixion and resurrection is a supernatural story for humans. Jesus did what He did because He loves humans.

Jesus loves us everyday. I don’t really need a holiday to thank Him for my salvation. I thank Him every time I think about it and that is most every day. But holidays are for people and people need rituals. It makes us feel safe. It helps us remember people we love. Nana could not sing with a pretty voice, but she had a lot of joy and I love to think about her shrill voice, in the kitchen making our waffles in the toaster, as she belted out: Up From the Grave He Arose!

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Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

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