by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 7, 2023 | About Summer, Chronic Illness
I will always have a pain inside of me about my father. Out of all of his children I know I am the most like him. He protected me when I was a little girl. My mother loved me but I wasn’t the baby she wanted. She wanted children that wanted to be taken care of and for the most part, that wasn’t me. I was the first born and I was so much like my father. I looked more like him, I thought like him. When my first sibling was born, they were a failure to thrive child. They needed to be cared for. They needed to be doted on. They were born mean and they needed a lot of tending to. They got away with terrible things.
I was super sensitive. I was a kind child by nature, inquisitive, with lots of questions, who wanted to be taught how to learn. For the most part this worked best with my father. He knew how to give me tools to teach myself. He wasn’t perfect. He had a terrible temper with a violent streak that my mother was afraid of, but I could read him well. And I learned quickly to obey him or not get caught and I could avoid the rage, for the most part. My mother, on the other hand had a mental illness that was unknown and they did not have reliable treatments for. She was hard to read.
I know that my father was raised with horrible abuse. My grandfather was a practicing alcoholic for most of the years my father was in the house. My grandmother was a devout Catholic so there were lots of children. My father was the 3rd child. The way I have been told, my oldest uncle was my grandmother’s favorite child, my second oldest uncle was my grandfather’s favorite child, and my father, being the third oldest child was the perfect scapegoat. Not only did his sister, born right after him have mental illness, but she was manipulative and set him up for more beatings, but the older boys abused my father too. In a family with so many children in the 50’s-70’s, with parents with little education, I am sure this situation was normal. I have watched my father closely all my life. He is different, like me. I can feel it. I know he is sensitive and creative and very intelligent. He doesn’t really look like his siblings, but he does look like relatives. He stands out in family pictures.
I had breakfast with one of my aunts yesterday. I am thankful for her. Since I have had to cut myself off from most of my family, she has been the one that has sought me out and kept in touch. She is younger than my father. Her version of life is different because, essentially, she had better, older, wiser and healthier parents than my father had. My grandparents didn’t keep abusing alcohol and each other and their children. They got better and their youngest children are very different from their oldest children.
There was a brother born after my father, named Mark. He died when he was 5 years old from brain cancer. He would have been about 4 or 5 years younger than my father. I think with the 3 sisters that came before Mark, Mark would have been important to my father. My father has told me he has no memories of his brother. He remembers him as a pudgy toddler when he went into the hospital and then an 8 lb skeleton when he was dead. Grandma, being a devout Catholic, made sure the mass was an open casket affair and she made her children say goodbye to him this way. I can see why this would have been very traumatic to a very sensitive child. But my aunt, who was a year older than Mark, had other memories. She said that when Mark was in the hospital that she and my youngest 2 uncles were sent to other family members because Grandma would work graveyard and then spend every other waking moment with Mark at the hospital. The older children had to go to school and probably fended for themselves a lot. But there were times when Mark would come home. My aunt would help my Grandma watch him because she wasn’t in school. He loved to go outside. She would pull him around in the little red wagon or put him in the swing with the sides on it and push him. He only had enough energy for about an hour of play before he wanted to go back to sleep. She had to make sure to never let him bump his head. He was often having surgeries and there were always bandages on his head. He was wobbly on his feet so if he walked she would hold onto him to make sure he didn’t fall. This little information about an uncle that I was never allowed to talk about has me feeling so many emotions.
I have great compassion for my family members. I know they may have other thoughts on this but I had to cut them off to save myself. I can’t be the scapegoat anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand them and love them and even miss them sometimes. My parents are good people but they were terrible married to each other. My mother needed help that wasn’t available to her and she was abusive to my father and to me. My father was the only one to protect me from my mother and my sibling and when he left, I was alone. He also didn’t understand the full responsibilities of being a parent which came out in a lot of painful ways.
Then he married a true narcissist. I have given a lot of thought to this and spoken to my therapist about it and she has affirmed what I knew in my spirit. My step-mother has used my father’s anger and violent streak to benefit herself. I have watched her rile him up against her own daughter and grandson. It is terrifying. She is the reason I can’t have a relationship with my father. She is broken, yes, but she has hurt so many people, and they don’t even know all of the evil things she has done.
I wish my father could see the benefit of therapy because I wish he could be set free from the terrors inside of himself. No one should have to carry what he has had to carry. He deserves peace. I wish the same for my mother too and I have told her the same.
My wife, Karen G Clemenson, asked me if I thought I should reach out to my father and tell him how I felt and I told her no. If I could reach out to him and know I was going to reach the little boy inside of him that needs support, it would be great. But most likely, I will be talking to the angry man that has been building and building the rage and it will just make things worse. She said she thought I knew him so well, and I said, “Of course. Out of all his children, I am the most like him.”
There is a rage and sadness that has been passed down through generations that is inside of me. It used to terrorize me. But I have learned to not feed it and try to focus on the things that lovely, pure and good, like the bible says. I meet people like me every now and then and I understand their inner fight. This is why compassion is so important. Some of us are born with things we didn’t earn but we have to learn to walk with.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 4, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions
I wasn’t looking for Wildblood by Lauren Blackwood, I won it as a givaway on GoodReads. But I needed the vacation it took me on. I am intense person. I don’t choose easy books to read. The last few books I have read took a lot of attention and mind power to absorb. I didn’t realize it but I was very ready for an easy book and this novel was that book.
Wildblood takes place in the Jamaica in the late 1800’s. Based out of the Exotic Lands Touring Company which offers tourists adventures led by their slavery led guides that have the power to use blood, their own, or other’s, to become tools at their whim. This is important because the jungle in this book is not like any we have every heard of, filled will all kinds of hauntings and species meant to kill the people that don’t belong there.
The main character is a light-skinned black woman, who has the strongest “science” of them all who leads the party to their destination and earns her freedom in the truest sense of the word. But not without losing most of the party to unthinkable deaths that only the jungle could create.
I won this book as a Giveaway from GoodReads. You can get your own copy of Wildblood by Lauren Blackwood Amazon.
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Read My Review on GoodReads:
Wildblood by Lauren Blackwood
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Lauren Blackwood had me turning pages in this great adventure. I really enjoyed this book!
View all my reviews
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 31, 2023 | Poetry
Every lunatic I have ever thought of blocking
on Facebook has been trying to reach me
I must be made of stone still
I feel like with the right amount of wind
I could crumble
~
There are two kinds of women
the ones you want to know
and the ones that should jump off a bridge
at least the ones who jump off the bridge
if they live through it
will have a different perspective on life
~
Someone asked me if I had a superpower what would it be
I said I wanted to make everyone
feel good on the inside
My wife said she wants to fly
She is his hero
I fly in my dreams
it is overrated
~
I fought with a couple of men for two days
about guns
I realized it meant nothing
I have never needed a gun
and they don’t know life without one
We don’t speak the same language
~
I am not perfect
I am a little broken this week
Maybe God is removing that stone
since He wants a soft heart to work with
My thoughts are hard to deal with
to hand to Him
~
But I am trying
~
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 29, 2023 | About Summer, Book & Product Reviews, Education, Opinions, Queer Community
Bible Gender Sexuality Reframing the Church’s Debate on Same-Sex Relationships by James V. Brownson is the first book I have read on the topic of what the bible says about being queer. I have read the bible and I have spoken to God but I want to read what more learned people have written on the topic. This topic is personal to me because when I was 20 years old I knew that I had a fight inside of me, although I didn’t know the words. Being a late-bloomer, it didn’t bother me, until I found myself attracted to a few ladies I knew. It wasn’t overwhelming, but I didn’t have overwhelming feelings about men either. At the time, I didn’t know the word demi-sexual or even bi-sexual, which explains why I wasn’t rude about my attractions, like my friends were. I always thought their comments about body parts was belittling to the whole person, therefore, disrespectful. I now know that they were probably what is considered, “normal” and I was different because although I might find a person attractive, I am not sexually attracted to them until I have a deep emotional and intellectual bond with them.
I was raised in a conservative Baptist church and I found the scripture that said homosexuality was an abomination. I had other things to do and no real relationships so I stayed busy. I met Karen G Clemenson 10 years before we became engaged. For some of that time I was seeing a Christian therapist and I admitted some fears I had about feelings I was having about her and sometimes feelings I was feeling from Karen. I prayed a lot. Karen was a wonderful friend. I didn’t want to mess that up. In 2014, when I got sick enough that I couldn’t fake it or hide it, she was by my side and never left. She was never overwhelmed. She was my rock. She was my nurse. She encouraged me to find strength when I didn’t know I could. Somewhere in there; in all that bloody humanity we realized that we had a love that was beyond friendship. We were married 11 days later. It will be 9 years ago on May 9th. After a year of marriage and seeing a different therapist I was able to admit that I was bisexual. Before then I had told people I wasn’t gay, I just married my best friend — talk about denial. I am not in denial anymore because the light of Christ is an amazing thing and this book is just one of many that can help shine light on a dark spot.
As many people engage in polarizing debates we must not only focus on what the scripture says but what it means. Throughout history we have come to understand that we must change our discernment of the bible. During most of the bible times slavery was prevalent, yet we now know slavery is wrong. Brownson wants to help the reader understand key points in the bible and history to re-open discussion about same-sex intimate relationships.
Gender Complimentary Argument
Arguments that same-sex intimate relationships violate God’s divinely intended gender complementarity, but this implies that male and female are incomplete on their own and that is not true. The one-flesh union spoken of in Genesis is not a physical one but a kinship one. Adam and Eve were celebrated for their similarities more than their differences so Genesis does not teach a normative form of gender complimentary. The overall context and language of scripture suggests that the one-flesh bond mentioned in Genesis 2:24 is a lifelong kinship bond which is described through prophetic tradition in the Old Testament when we see Gods’ faithfulness to Israel as a marriage bond which is lifelong and emphasizing grace. This same emphasis is also seen in the New Testament.
The reason against promiscuity is that people are not to say with their bodies what they can’t or will not say with their whole lives. In scripture it is clear that one-flesh bond only takes place between and man and a woman but there is nothing in the bible that excludes committed same-sex unions when the other characteristics of the kinship bonds are met. One flesh does not only refer to sexual relations but the relationship, love, social, community ties and responsibilities the relationship creates and supports.
“To think of sexual relations as a language brings with it another important corollary. Sex can bring with it an incredibly wide range of meanings…Thus Christian faithfulness has only begun when it recognizes that full sexual intimacy belongs in one-flesh kinship unions. The following steps are equally, if not more important: learning the bodily language for giving and receiving love and using that language to create a space of beauty and love where both partners become more fully the person God intends them to be.” Chapter 5
The bible does not teach normative understanding of gender complimentary.
“Perhaps what heterosexuals are experiencing in marriage is not essentially a complimentary of gender understood biologically, but simply a form of otherness that usually takes shape along gender lines, even if those gendered lines may shift significantly from one context to the next.” Chapter 12
Cultural Norms
The bible was written in an honor-shame culture where public esteem was highly valued and male/female roles were clearly and sharply defined. Western culture is not like this. The need to honor each other is universal but the concept of shame varies among different cultures. The modern world doesn’t understand gender roles as they did in the ancient world. Men are not offended by female bosses. Women are not naturally passive, subservient and subject to passions. Cultural expectations in the old world have no way of viewing the notion of sexual orientation.
There is a lot of patriarchal beliefs or contrasting egalitarian beliefs shown through the bible, however the New Testament illustrates we leave that behind in the New Life we share in Christ. The hierarchy of gender cannot be used today as a form of gender complimentary, which is allegedly violated by same-sex intimate relationships. Many people can argue that what the bible says about same-sex eroticism that ancient world does not apply to the committed queer relationships of today. We need a cross-cultural sexual ethic that includes justice and love that may have relevance for queer relationships.
What is normal in the bible may not have been able to be envisioned by the writers of the bible due to cultural norms. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t consider them.
Procreation & Sex
Marriage does not require the ability to procreate to be valid and the inability to bear children is not a reason for divorce. Reliable contraception has changed how we think about relationship between sex and procreation — increasing the importance of bonding through sex and in some cases replacing the procreative meaning of sex.
The Old Testament does not call for celibacy as a lifelong calling for all people, although it is appropriate for short-term avoidance of sex for holiness purposes. Some people are called to a life of celibacy but not all. If not all are called to a life of celibacy than isn’t it better to allow queer people to marry so they do not fall into promiscuity from their unfulfilled passions?
Promiscuity is rejected because it cannot cultivate a lifelong relationship and spread disease.
Other Benefits of Marriage
In ancient days marriage was important to maintain the responsibility and duties to sustain a household. Now society benefits many ways when people live together in long-term committed unions — taxes, better health are just a few.
Society has interest in supporting marriages in order to provide for care of children but this is not the only reason and this lack of procreative capacity cannot deny legitimacy to queer couples in a stable marriage.
What Paul Says
When Paul talks about sexual behaviors that are unacceptable in Romans 1:24-27 he is talking about excessive, self-centered desire and not normal sexual relationships. He also might be referring to the Roman Emperor Gaius Galigula whose idolatry and sexual excesses earned him a gruesome death.
Paul doesn’t see sexual desire as a sin but if it gets out of control it can become lust and lead to sin.
The core form of moral logic that characterizes sexual misconduct as “impure” is the internal attitudes and disposition — lust and lack of restraint. In committed same-sex marriages, where there is discipline, can we still call this union impure?
The Church Today
The church has welcomed queer folks but abhorred their way of handling their emotions with shame. The church may wrestle with Paul’s words about queer relationships but the real issue is promiscuity and lack of self-control which are not part of committed marriages.
The church should stand against relationships marked by dominance, lack of consent, lack of mutuality, including and especially relationships between adults and minors. The bible verses that speak regarding homosexual or same-sex relations are relating to extreme situations: rape, incest, human trafficking, prostitution, sex with angels, overindulgence, idolatry; of course we, as Christians, should be against this lack of self-control and humiliation of others. This is not the type of behavior celebrated in most loving and supportive marriages whether they are same-sex or heterosexual.
Psychologists recognize a persistent, non pathological pattern of same-sex orientation as a “natural” phenomenon in some people. This phenomenon results from a complex interaction between genetics, hormonal influences and social context and it is causing us to question the “nature” of individuals.
“In a broken world, where life does not follow the perfect “nature” plan, God’s redemptive purpose can embrace eunuchs and barren women — as well as gay and lesbian people — and draw them into a wider and deeper divine purpose moving toward the new creation in Christ.” Chapter 11
Because we are all one in Christ.
I already know God made me for a time such as this. I know He loves me and He knows that my wife and I love Him and each other. He has not condemned us. It was good to read something from someone that knows more than me, but I already knew I was blessed because when I asked God, once I was able to say, “I am queer,” if I should divorce my wife, He said no.
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female; for all are one in Christ.” Galatians 3: 28
I got this book from my own collection. You can get your own copy of Bible Gender Sexuality Reframing the Church’s Debate on Same-Sex Relationships by James V. Brownson on Amazon.
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Read My Review on GoodReads:
Bible, Gender, Sexuality: Reframing the Church’s Debate on Same-Sex Relationships by James V. Brownson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I felt that Brownson gave a real effort to explain the cultural differences between the time when the bible was written and the way we live now and how we have already made many changes according to how we have adapted to change: like how we view women in leadership and slavery. I appreciate how he studied the scriptures and related articles of the time to look for connections between gender-complimentary as a requirement. He answered the question of procreation as the reason to outlaw same-sex unions, because it is not a requirement for heterosexual unions. He answered the medical proof that many queer people have not chosen their orientation and instead of requiring them to live a frustrated life where they may end up failing away to sin, that honoring loving, stable, lifelong relationships would answer the need for the lifelong love language between married partners that might lead them to another form of the new creation in Christ. It is a good start for some.
View all my reviews
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 28, 2023 | Poetry
If I were to make my outside
look like my inside
you would probably say it was my fault
The knife cuts and the razor blades
would only embellish where the scars don’t already live
~
You wouldn’t smile at me while we spoke
We would never speak honestly
It wouldn’t matter how pretty my teeth are
my smile would never shine enough
to help you get beyond your terrifying truth
~
It wouldn’t matter what color my eyes chose to be today
You would not be able to look me in the eye
The puss and the infection would offend you before
you could get close enough to see them
You might not look at me at all
~
The process of healing takes time
sometimes you have to start over
sometimes you find more scars
when you thought you were done
I am so angry
~
I am so angry that I feel those knife cuts
even though I didn’t make them
I am so angry that I feel like I am bleeding out
even though it is just figurative
but it feels like it did when it happened
~
Every time you hurt me
Every time you lied
Every time you manipulated the world to serve you
I never heard you behind my back
but I heard what you said about others
why wouldn’t you speak lies about me
~
I hate you
My therapist says its ok
She says anger is meant to push me to
change something or protect something
Either way it has to be me that gets better
~
God knows you never did
~
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 24, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers
Sometimes when we have a strong response to something it is because memories are bigger than the thing we are responding to. The other day I made a post on Facebook because I have seen so many memes and posts with the middle finger and it made me angry. It wasn’t my original post but it was the most important part. It said the important part for who I am now: I do swear but even my wife says it sounds weird coming out of my mouth. I have heard that often in my life. I do like fancy words better. My Nana always said there were so many beautiful adverbs to use instead of vulgarities. I agree with her. My one peeve that I can’t get over and it is getting worse is the middle finger. I think it is the trashiest thing one can ever do. Talk about low class not only to the person being flipped off but by the person doing it. It’s like you have decided to use one perfectly good finger to shut off all communication.
Since the day or two since I posted it, I seem to be fighting in my head again with real memories and feelings that have to do with the person I hate the most; the person that seeing “the bird” reminds me of. These are big statements. One, I have allowed myself to blame Anna for some of my behavior but as I am taking responsibility for my wellness, I realize that Anna is me. She is sometimes younger than me, but she is still me and I am responsible for her. Another thing that was hard for me to face this morning was that I have hate inside myself. I didn’t think I did. But after really paying attention to my memories, my responses to these memories and what I really want from my analysis of these memories, I do, in fact, have hatred inside myself. I know that forgiveness is a process and even though I have chosen to forgive many times, there are specific things I have tried to set down, I have failed.
A part of me wants to write a raving article about the terrible things this person did to me and my family. How their self-centered actions, time and time again hurt me, terrorized me, and made it impossible for me to ever trust them; even when I really tried hard to honor their role through marriage to my father. She stole things from me that cannot be replaced. She instilled things in my family that can not be forgotten. Her “helpfulness” was usually a way to get what she needed. But she knew how to pet my father, who deserved to be petted.
If I allow myself, this blog will go forever with accusations. I don’t want to live like that. I have to remember that. I have worked really hard to learn how to choose peace. It is no surprise that this lifelong problem has been lying in wait for me when I thought I had figured most things out. That is when foundational issues usually come out. I feel depressed because I have found myself guilty of holding hatred and unforgiveness for most of my life inside of me. I am talking to God. There is fear of letting this go. I don’t know life without this hatred. I am grateful that He has brought me to a place where I can finally take stock. I am grateful that we have walked through similar walks before and I know that when I am ready to let go, He will told me together. I am even grateful that He loves my step-mother and wants her wellness too because I don’t have to like her, I just have to forgive her.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 22, 2023 | About Summer, Opinions, Prayers
I was triggered today. Even though I may be ready to graduate from therapy, doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments when my PTSD isn’t still in the room with me; when I suddenly feel the dread, fear and victimization that I felt growing up. I still have to deal with the child inside of me that didn’t get what she needed. I was on Facebook, randomly scrolling, as on does when I saw a meme that said: “People with siblings have better survival skills because they’ve had experience in physical combat, psychological warfare, and sensing suspicion activity.”
I suddenly remembered why I quit playing with dolls; because one sibling always pulled their heads off. I was saved by Cabbage Patch Kids because you couldn’t pull their heads off…but then again, I remembered watching TV and suddenly have piercing pain in my head as the nose of that sibling’s bald headed Kyle Blakey came down on my head. Or the sadness I felt when my Margaret Elizabeth and Weston Carlton got makeovers with the blue ball point pen that never washed off by an artist of the same name as my sibling. There were more dangerous things they did; more deadly. I never had peace. My parents didn’t physically abuse me but they also never did anything to protect me from the sadistic behavior of this sibling who thought it was ok to chase me through the house with a steak knife more than once. I was bigger. They didn’t believe me. They probably didn’t know what to do.
The list of hurts kept going and I tried to make it stop. Instead I decided to focus on a bible study. That usually helps me focus on today. That sibling is not in my life.
But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever. 9 I will praise You forever, because You have done it; and in the presence of Your saints I will wait on Your name, for it is good.
Psalm 52:8-9
God’s mercy is enough for me and He has proven His goodness. His mercy is also enough for my sibling. He knows what we both struggle with. Mentally healthy people don’t abuse each other. Mentally healthy people want light and life for each other.
For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the church of the saints.
1 Corinthians 14:33
Even though I had a lot of confusion growing up, that is not what God did. He has created peace for me that is what I am looking for and that is what I choose. I have the right to choose this. I also pray this for my sibling.
“Or how can you say to your brother, ‘let me remove the speck from your eye;’ and look a plank is in your own eye?”
Matthew 7:4
I am not without sin and never have been. I am not tied to it but as a child I didn’t know that. Even if my only sins against my sibling were in response to their bad behavior, I am sure there were some, in fact, I know there were some and I am sorry.
I don’t know if we will ever have the ability to trust each other. I know we don’t know each other. As I responded to the harsh realities of losses growing up, I shut down parts of myself. I never felt safe to be myself at home. Maybe my siblings felt the same way. Maybe even my parents felt the same way. I know this meme was supposed to be a joke, but it was a reminder that physical combat, psychological warfare and sensing suspicion was part of my life, every day, growing up and I have the scars to prove it.
Now as I have learned to make decisions, I am choosing to have a life of light and peace.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 21, 2023 | Community, Life, Opinions, Prayers, Queer Community
The gift that Jesus gave us by His death, burial and resurrection is not understood nearly as big until you have read the Old Testament. There are books filled with so many laws that it is exhausting to think about how you could do much of anything else but focus on these laws all day and try to follow them. No wonder we needed Jesus. I am convinced that this is the reason that God did it this way, to prove that we needed a Savior because there was no way to keep all those rules. Human nature makes it impossible. In fact laws being as they are, cause us to need more of them and they become more important than the people they are designed to protect so then it is no longer about protecting people but about rules. Which is where Jesus had trouble with the Pharisees (Mark 7:6-7). But when we make laws to control people we are mocking Jesus on the cross.
There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. 5 There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. 6 And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all. 7 But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all.
1 Corinthians 12: 4-7
I have read this part of scripture so many times, usually focusing on the specific types of spiritual gifts because that is very human of me to want to have the power to heal or prophecy, teach or lead, work miracles, discern or speak in tongues or translate but today, it seems very apparent to me the this scripture is not about the gift but the Giver that is in me. My Creator did not equip me with gifts so that I could bless myself but God’s agenda — to love my neighbor — all my neighbors. (Matthew 5:43-44)
I call my Creator God, because that is how I know Him, but even calling Him, Him is a taught comfort. God calls Himself Father, probably because Hew knew how many of us would need a loving and consistent Father, but since God is Spirit, He doesn’t have a gender. God is really a They or a Them and when God speaks internally the pronoun used was “Us.” (Genesis 1:26)
The same Lord who created me, created you. They love us both and offer us the same mercy and salvation — and even spiritual gifts, as the Spirit sees fit. Whether you and I agree on politics, religion or any other topic under the sun, were are all the same in the eyes of God (Galatians 3:26-28). We are called to love each other — especially those we think are our enemies (see Matthew 5:43-44 again).
There are churches that want to condemn sex education classes and ostracize transgender children in the name of protecting their children and religious freedom. These same churches house people that have sexually victimized people I know. They have taught beyond the bible and created their own doctrines. I do not hate them. I feel sorrow for them. They have missed the love of Christ somewhere and that this love is for everyone. They have let fear blind them so they do not see the sin at their feet.
Fear is the root of hate. If we are honest than the light of Christ can heal so much. His light can open our eyes to the real issues.
Sex is not a bad topic as long as we are honest about it. My parents never talked to me about sex. I am thankful for the public school system. Without the education I was given, I would have only known what my friends told me until I realized I could do my own research and most kids do not do that.
Transgender children have enough problems with body dysmorphia, most likely they don’t want to dress down for PE or take showers at school. As the fattest kid in my class, I know, I didn’t. All children need somewhere where they are not treated badly and many times home is not a safe place for trans kids.
How about Christian parents teaching their kids to extend compassion instead of judgement and fear while loving their neighbor as themselves?
Christians were called to be different and God didn’t mean being a bully. Jesus was asked what was the greatest commandment and He said: “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength; This is the first commandment. 31 And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31
I was listening to a sermon on TV last week and the way the preacher described the old text was that we were supposed to go out of our way to love our neighbor, as if they were of greater value than us. That is a huge difference than what I do and I often see. Instead, I see:
‘This people honors Me with their lips but their heart is far from Me. 7 And in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrine the commandments of men.’ Mark 7:6-7
I am so thankful that Jesus came and found me under the apple trees when I was 5-years-old. He knew I would need Him to guide me through some scary things. He knew I would be able to see, hear, smell, feel and taste things others could not and that is why He made me and chose me. This same Savior loves us all, whether we are Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Trumpster, Queer, Straight, Law-abiding, Criminal, Fat or Fit, Rich or Poor or any other trait any of us might judge each other for and He gifts us as He sees fit for the moment.
You might condemn me because I am bisexual or demi-sexual or because I am happily married to a woman for 9 years on May 9th. But I know God does not. I know this because I asked Him and He told me not to divorce her. He is the true head of our household and Karen and I love it that way. When we cna’t handle each other, we hand each other off to our Maker because He knows exactly what to do.
We must, as Christians, remember that Christ came to free us from the law. Laws were meant to lead us to Christ but righteousness doesn’t come through laws, especially new laws. Church and State must be separate because when we live in the Spirit, as we are called to, the Spirit guides us to live in love, where are neighbor is more important than ourself so laws are not necessary. When we are loving God with all our heart, soul and mind and our neighbor as ourself, laws are only necessary for people that do not know Jesus. Living in any other way makes a mockery of what Jesus did on the cross. (Galatians 2:20-21)
Being a Christian is simple. Our life is about making our life about God. Our life is not about judging others.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 16, 2023 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions
I never considered that there would come a time that I would end my therapy. I have had at least 2 mental breaks in my lifetime. I was smart enough to be able to fake enough balance that I didn’t end up confined. I know that would not have served me well. I am thankful that the people I kept close to me knew that too. My last one was the biggest and took me a long time to overcome because it happened at the same time that my body too was overwhelmed. Since 2014 I have been fighting for myself. Sometimes harder than others. I am not done. There is more to be done but my therapist told me yesterday that it may be time that I graduate out of therapy.
I am stunned.
I am overwhelmed and then I am not. I take my wellness seriously. I have made many changes. I make changes. I will keep making changes, gradually, because that is what works best for me.
When I began my session yesterday I mentioned that I had decided that I was done fighting with the voices in my head. That the voices of people that weren’t real because they were not in my life and they had to go. It had taken me a long time to realize it was all in my head and I had the power to tell them to go away. I had help. God helped me. When they snuck back in through dreams, I asked God to bless them and keep them away from me. I asked God to love them and give us all a good nights sleep. I trust that if God wants reconciliation between me and the real people, God will orchestrate this. I don’t have to make anything happen and I can trust that because God loves me and these characters more than I ever could, or they could. I believe that God will make the heart and mind changes happen so that we can see each other in all our humanness and forgive each other and have an authentic relationship without gossip and backbiting and other hateful habits that don’t show love.
My therapist told me it was time to update my treatment plan. But I couldn’t think of what that would be. She couldn’t suggest anything. She listened to what was on my mind and suggested that we give me the space of considering this until our next session. So I am talking about this with Karen G Clemenson. Who also seems surprised that I might be ready to graduate out. I don’t think either one of us considered there would be an end to therapy.
I asked my therapist about my medications. That scared me because I know when I don’t take them. They slow me down so I can remember my tools. The same tools that seem to be working so maybe I don’t need therapy anymore, or for at least this point in my life. She said that my psychiatrist would still meet with me and maintain that part of my treatment.
I know I should be happy for me. Part of me is starting to feel that. Part of me is also feeling a bit of satisfaction because I think I knew I was coming to this point. There is a quiet I am getting comfortable with that I have never had. I have learned that I can make boundaries. I can say no. I can say yes. I can say what I want. I can be me and not worry about if that offends because I know who I am. I like myself. I am not perfect at this but I am sure that this is what you practice as you live. Loving is not just for other people, it is for ourselves too.
The thought of not needing a therapist is new. I have had this therapist for a couple of years and I really like her. I like her because she doesn’t waste words or time. She is direct. She is what I needed. I trust her. When she told me that fighting with the voices in my head is a mental illness issue but the other things I worry about are normal things to worry about and not mental illness. I thought: I healed myself…I might be normal…whatever that means.
In the end I will miss my therapists’ affirmations of my choices but that is what I have God, Karen and Jamie Holloway for…it is the success I never considered. That is part of self-love too.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 15, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Education, Opinions
I did not pick this book out. My wife did. She was advised by a friend to look at Reconstruction so she brought The Failed Promise Reconstruction, Frederick Douglass, and the Impeachment of Andrew Johnson by Robert S. Levine home from the library. I had just helped her bring about 10 books home…and not any light reads but big, thick and heavy duty reads. This book is very overdue. I watched her squeak in moments where she could try to absorb the vast history in this book and got more and more interested but she works a lot and I eventually saw that she was not going to finish it, so once I had read all the other books, I picked it up. It took me over a month to read it. I am very sensitive. Slavery and White Supremacy hurt my heart but it is part of our history and I am glad I read this book. I even ended up purchasing this book so that Karen can read it at her pace and I might even read it again. Levine did a good job.
Andrew Johnson was our 17th president. He lost his father when he was only 3 years old. He never went to school but he taught himself to read and write. He was apprenticed to a tailor before he was 10 years old. He lived in North and South Carolina as a boy and moved to Greenville, Tennessee when he was 16 years old. When he was 18 years old, he opened his own tailor shop, got married and continued to self-educate himself at the Greenville College. He enjoyed public speaking, history and politics.
- Johnson was as Jacksonian Democrat
- Johnson was a Town alderman in 1829
- He served as Mayor
- Johnson served in the Tennessee State legislature in 1841
- He served in Congress in 1843
- Johnson was a Senator for Tennessee in 1857
- He became Vice President in 1865
Frederick Douglass was freed slave, self-educated and an activist known for his powerful speeches against slavery and for equal Civil Rights for all. He believed that the United States Constitution was a pro-slavery document and electing antislavery politicians into offices was good sense. Douglass was not impressed with President Lincoln when he first knew him and through much of 1962. Lincoln and Martin R. Delany advocated for Black emigration to places like Liberia, Central America and Africa at the choice of the Black person. Douglass believed that Black Americans deserved to live in the country they helped to build.
Douglass appreciated Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation on January 1, 1863, however, he wasn’t positive that Lincoln was going to abolish slavery in the Confederate states and he also believed that Reconstruction had not begun to be considered. However, Douglass supported and recruited Black troops for the Union and met with Lincoln to inspire him to pay Black troops equally what White troops were being paid. Douglas heard that education would be amiss for the formerly enslaved Black people. He also knew that race relations would require help. Black people would remain “enslaved” by White people that would not respect their humanity and freedom.
Lincoln’s original goal in the Civil War was only to reestablish the Union. “The mission of the war,” according to Douglass should have been: “immediate and unconditional emancipation in all the states,” as well as programs to “invest the Black man everywhere with right to vote and to be voted for, and remove discriminations against his rights on account of his color, whether as a citizen or as a soldier.” Frederick Douglass, chapter 2
Black people were not considered United States citizens in 1864, although about 200,000 Black Americans fought in the Union Army during the Civil War.. Freeing slaves meant nothing if Black Americans had no rights and protections under the law. President Lincoln wanted to restore states to the Union, while Congress wanted to Reconstruct the formerly seceded states. Lincoln and Johnson, at one time, agreed that restoration was a job to be overseen by the president and not Congress, but as Douglass continued to speak out about reasons for deeper changes, Lincoln was gaining more and more of Douglass’ hope of success. Lincoln had begun seeking the counsel from Douglass in 1864.
“On the occasion of Abraham Lincoln’s 2nd inauguration, Douglass wrote in his 1881 Life and Times of Fredrick Douglass, Johnson revealed his racism in a glance, while Lincoln reached out to his Black guest as an equal. Douglass further contrasted Lincoln and Johnson on that day: “Mr. Lincoln was like one who was treading the hard and thorny path of duty and self-denial; Mr. Johnson was like one just from a drunken debauch.” Frederick Douglass, chapter 3
In Lincoln’s last address he stated:
- That the Southern states had in fact seceded, but they would be re-aligned in proper relationship with the Union — This opinion differed from his Vice President.
- All states in the Union would support the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery.
- He wanted states to consider Black suffrage and at least allow Black soldiers who had fought for the Union to be given the right to vote.
- He also stated the benefit of public schools equally to Black and White students.
Abraham Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth on April 14th. The President died on April 15, 1865. This is the day that Andrew Johnson became President of the United States.
- Johnson did not believe in Southern secession. He believed a person could secede but not a state.
- Johnson called for an end of slavery during the Civil War.
- Johnson loved being known as “Moses” to Black people
- He had made many statements about punishing Southern traitors
- Slavery was abolished by the 13th Amendment and Lincoln’s Republicans were ready for Reconstruction but Johnson felt that was a job solely for the President to oversee.
Congress wanted a full Reconstruction which meant that all Confederate leaders would be stripped of their positions. Plantation owners would lose parcels of their land to give to freed people. Political and social equality would be given to freed people.
For 5 years Johnson had written and spoken in conjunction with some of these ideals yet within a month of his presidency he announced in his Amnesty Proclamation that he would offer pardons to nearly anyone who asked for them. He would restore Confederate states and their leaders, as they had always been and he, alone, would over see Reconstruction. To be allowed back into good standing with to the Union all the ex-Confederate states had to do was make a statement of loyalty to the United States, ratify the 13th Amendment (although they were allowed to perceive the Amendment however they saw fit) and they had to make a statement of regret that they had seceded the Union (even though Johnson didn’t believe they had seceded.)
Johnson believed that slavery had caused the Civil War and since slavery was abolished with the 13th Amendment, there was no war. No war, meant no Reconstruction — just a quick restoration of the 11 ex-Confederate states he was overseeing.
“Slavery has left its poison behind it, both in the veins of the slave and in those of the enslaver.” Frederick Douglass
The 13th Amendment left Black American’s rights and citizenship up to the perception of each state. This quickly made a bad situation worse for many Black Americans. Senator Charles Sumner, Congressman Thaddeus Stevens and U.S. Secretary of the Interior, Carl Schurz all communicated with Johnson about the freed people that were falling by the hand of White people. All were ignored.
The 14th Amendment was ratified on July 28, 1868. It granted citizenship and equal civil and legal rights to Black Americans and freed slaves that had been born in the United States. The Amendment did not apply to Native Americans. It also left room for states to their own due process of the law which left Black people with little protections.
Douglass had thought Black people should be suddenly be treated equal in every way but as President Johnson was not addressing Reconstruction or pushing equal rights at a Federal level, he began to understand the need for Black organizations to form in order to educate fellow Black people and push for equal rights.
“How can you, in view of your professed desire to promote the welfare of the Black man, deprive him of all means of defense, and clothe him whom you regard as his enemy [the former slaveholders] in the panoply of political power?” They instructed the president that peace between the races “would not be achieved” by degrading one race and exalting another, by giving power to one race and withholding it from another, but by maintaining a state of equal justice between all classes.” Black Delegates to President Johnson, chapter 6
On February 19, 1866 President Johnson vetoed Congress’ extension of the Refugees, Freedmen and Abandoned Lands AKA Freedman’s Bureau. Congress rallied and got the votes to keep the Freedman’s Bureau active a little while longer.
- Located in Washington D.C. and throughout ex-Confederate states
- Offered services to about 4 million freed people in the South
- Distributed food and clothing
- Medical Assistance
- Legal protection and guidance on contracts
- Tried to make sure Blacks were fairly compensated for their work
- Set up schools and training institutes
- Confiscated lands from the Southern plantation owners for redistribution to the thousands of formerly enslaved people
- Offered police protection for free people
Johnson also vetoed the Congress’ Civil Right’s Act, affirming that all native born people (except Native Americans) were citizens of the United States. Congress overrode that veto also.
The Memphis Riot of 1866 (Memphis Massacre) took place May 1-3.
- Over 45 Black people were killed and hundreds were injured
- 2-3 White people were killed. One was killed for talking to Black people. The others were killed with their own weapons.
- Was begun by a false rumor that a Black soldier had killed a White police officer
- Police and a White mob burned the Black churches, schools and residences, shot randomly at Black people and raped Black women.
Many people felt this confirmed President Johnson’s fears of race wars and blamed Black people. However many media outlets and Radical Republicans cast the blame on White policemen and the Johnson Administration.
On July 30, 1866 unarmed Black Delegates marched to the Mechanics Institute in New Orleans. Their goal was to make the state’s constitution more inclusive. When they reached the institute, White police officers and other aggressive White mobsters shouted insults back and forth and the police began shooting their guns. Although the Black people wove white flags of surrender, the police shot all the men.
- The mayor and city officials refused to step in
- 48 Black people died and over 200 were wounded
- White supporters were also killed
- Wounded Black Delegates were arrested and charged with inciting a riot
- Not one White person was charged with murder
When Johnson vetoed the Freedman’s Bureau Bill and The Civil Rights Bill, he lost support of his own party in Congress. The riots had made things worse. While giving a speech in Cleveland, Ohio on September 3, 1866, someone heckled Johnson, placing some of the blame for the riot in New Orleans on him. Johnson’s infuriated response was reprinted nationwide.
As people continued to lay blame on the president he continued to lay blame on the Republicans and Freedman’s Bureau, stating that their policies made slaves of White people. This is what caused the topic of impeachment to come up. People didn’t care for Johnson’s violent talk against other leaders. They also felt he lacked the decorum expected of a United States President…Reading about our 17th president does seem reminiscent of our 45th president.
The 14th Amendment gave birth right citizenship and equal rights to Black Americans but not suffrage. Douglass could understand how a person with equal rights could constitutionally take the right to vote away from another person.
January 5, 1867 President Johnson vetoed Washington D.C.’s Franchise Law, granting voting rights to Black men. Congress overrode his veto.
Reasons given by many for impeachment of President Johnson:
- Drunken behavior
- Racist efforts to undermine Reconstruction
- Usurping the power of the Legislative Branch
- Many blamed Johnson for loss of life in Memphis and New Orleans
None of these were reasons for Johnson’s impeachment. On February 24, 1868 Johnson was impeached for high crimes and misdemeanors. Johnson was impeached because he ignored a law that made it illegal for him to fire anyone whose appointment had been approved by the Senate. Namely, Secretary of War, Edwin M. Stanton in February of 1868. The law was part of The Tenure of Office Act Congress had created to constrain Johnson’s ability to fire and hire high-level officials. It was created after he had vetoed 2 Reconstruction Acts that Congress had had to overthrow. Johnson not only fired Stanton but replaced him with Lorenzo Thomas without Congressional approval.
Johnson vetoed that Freedman’s Bureau because he believed it was each state’s obligation to aid and protect Black people and not the Federal government. He argued that Black people had the same protection as White people in the ex-Confederate states. Congress overrode his vetoes so Johnson used his presidential power to protect Southern white landowners and fired bureau officials.
To impeach President Johnson, prosecutors from the House of Representatives would have to prove he had violated the terms of the Tenure of Office Act. Regardless of how many people felt about Reconstruction, the focus of the articles of impeachment were based mainly on the Tenure of Office Act and public opinion had to stay out as much as possible. There was one argument: it was illegal for Johnson to fire a Senate appointee while Senate was not in session. But that was only one of many little arbitrary arguments made during the trial.
Black Americans wanted Johnson to be convicted for being the “demented Moses of Tennessee.” He had promised to be a leader but was truly an oppressor who brought death and suffering to freed people. Benjamin Butler tried to argue against Johnson’s policies regarding Reconstruction but the judge would not hear his arguments.
Douglass saw impeachment of Johnson as a challenge to White Supremacy. He felt that Black Male Suffrage was the best way to fight White Supremacists. Douglass supported Women’s Suffrage but not at the expense of Black Male Suffrage and delaying reforms he had been advocating since the Civil War.
Douglass was upset that Republicans had failed to provide a fast impeachment but had wasted time arguing over technicalities. He felt that a conviction would mean, “that the fair South shall no longer be governed by Regulators and the Ku-Klux Klan, but by fair and impartial law.” Douglass’ reference to Regulators was he he coined other White Supremacist groups.
The Republican Party became known for Reconstruction. They also became known for economic conservatism.
Johnson was acquitted by his party but he did not have their support for a 2nd term. Ulysses S. Grant and Schuyler Colfax would run and win as the 18th President and Vice President of the United States of American. Both men supported Black Suffrage but it was not included in the party platform.
The Democrats chose Horatio Seymour who was very racist and opportunistic. Frank P. Blair would have been his Vice President, had Seymour won. That fact that the Democrats could put forward potential leaders who hated Black Americans just as the 13th and 14th Amendments were ratified outraged Frederick Douglass and proved there was much more work to do.
Andrew Johnson was acquitted but the rest of his presidency was pretty futile, however the Democratic Party, which he now aligned himself with, had grown in size throughout that United States. When he returned to Tennessee in 1869, he tried to run for positions but no one wanted to vote for him. In 1875 he returned to Washington, D.C.:
- Democrats were the majority party
- Black Americans had achieved some representation in Congress and State House Representatives
- The 15th Amendment allowed all United States citizens the right to vote
- Grant created the Department of Justice to prosecute the Ku Klux Klan
- Naturalization Act of 1870 allowed for people of African descent to apply for United States citizenship
Johnson was welcomed back to Congress and sworn in, only to serve a short time. He died of a stroke only 4 months later. Until his death Johnson recommended a path of moderation and calmness toward changes between the races.
“Put away your race prejudice. Banish the idea that one class must rule over another. Recognize the fact that the rights of the humble citizens are as worthy of protection as those of the highest, and your problem will be solved; and, whatever may be in store for it in the future, whether prosperity, or adversity; whether there shall be peace , or war, based upon the external principals of truth, justice, and humanity, and with no class having any cause of complaint or grievance, your Republic will stand and flourish forever.” Frederick Douglass, Epilogue
Some say that President Johnson failed at Reconstruction but that is not the view of Levine. The United States failed. There was just too much history to overcome by one war and 3 amendments. You can’t legislate humanity. I believe we are still working on Reconstruction. Much like this book review, which is not really a book review but a diagram of historic events, sometimes you have to take the long way.
I got this book at the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of The Failed Promise Reconstruction, Frederick Douglass, and the Impeachment of Andrew Johnson by Robert S. Levine on Amazon.
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Read My Review on GoodReads:
The Failed Promise: Reconstruction, Frederick Douglass, and the Impeachment of Andrew Johnson by Robert S. Levine
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
My wife picked this book out but couldn’t finish it, so I did. It was a heavy topic and I had to take several breaks. I also had to Google some topics that Levine didn’t explain well but overall I thought it was a great book and I intend to buy a copy so I can go through it again and my wife can read it without time constraints. Reconstruction is a broad part of United States’ history and one I think we are still going through it.
View all my reviews
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 10, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions
I have been learning me diligently for about 20 years now. It might be odd that I didn’t start until I was in my mid-20’s for some, but it makes sense to me. I lived in a very controlled environment. It didn’t even occur to me to ask myself what I wanted until I was 35-years-old. I am not angry about it. It is just a fact. I don’t believe that age confines us to anything. I believe that age is just a number to keep track of how long we have been here, what is important is what we think and believe.
In fact what I thought and believed kept me in a small and controlled environment because I didn’t believe I could leave. I didn’t have faith in myself. I was scared. In reality I can’t afford to live on my own. The cost of living is well beyond my disability benefits, which I didn’t have when I was living in my controlled environment. Even with a wife who works 2 jobs we have had a hell of a time finding housing that isn’t too close to the industrial area of town or infested with bugs. I can’t live with either. We lived 2 blocks from the industrial area for 3 years and I was constantly sick and terrified with the drug and gang life that surround the area. We lived with cockroaches and bed bugs for 11 months and I came really close to another mental break; I still have flashbacks. I think people that can live in these environments are so brave. I am not brave in this way.
I hate fighting. I avoid it and have avoided it at all costs all my life. I am so thankful that Karen and I agree on this. We don’t fight. We both grew up with fighting. We have fought about 2 times; for real fights. Enough to know we fight the same. No one is listening and everyone is screaming and saying things you can’t take back. So we don’t fight. We take a time out and then we talk it out. Tearing down the team is not on our agenda. But most of the world is not made this way. But as I addressed in Addressing Mental Health Issues, I often fight inside my head with characters that I don’t have in my life anymore, or rather I used to have in my life.
Since I have relinquished these characters to God with His blessings on them, I have been able to sleep better. But they snuck back in through my dreams the last few nights. I tried to ignore them but they were sitting there, ready to fight, until I remembered that I don’t have to live with them and I asked God to take them and love them and bless them and keep them far from me and I feel so much better. I want their wellness and if we are to reconnect, I want God to orchestrate that. Right now I am working on being at peace and I can’t do that while fighting with people who aren’t actually here.
All my life I was told I would never succeed because I was fat. I would never have the job, relationship and health I want because I was fat. I read the books that were put in front of me, I watched and worked out with the videos they placed in front of me; I believed them. But you know what? There is more to me than my fatness. Even though many in the world are afraid or angry with me about my size, I don’t have to be. A few weeks ago I started to think those thoughts because my underwear is falling apart. When I went to the site where I bought them in the past I had to search my purchases because I couldn’t remember the brand and I remember that I really like how they fit in the beginning of our relationship. They didn’t fall down, they didn’t pull, the fabric breathed nice and I didn’t feel too warm. I bought the same brand for Karen, funny enough, I bought her’s 2 years ago, which started me thinking a different thought. Now I wanted to see how long it has been since I bought myself new underwear. You know what? I have been wearing the same underwear for 3 years. I had forgot to replace them sooner. No wonder they are starting to fall apart. It isn’t because I am fat. It is because I forgot to buy new ones…and guess who it getting new underwear next month? Self care is so important.
I am not saying that I should not be aware of my eating habits and working out, but beating myself up about my size is not healthy either. I am very fat. But my blood pressure is always good, unless I am in a lot of pain or angry. My cholesterol is in normal range. My a1C is in pre-diabetic range with the lowest dose of medication. All my blood tests are good. I do have cancer but we are working on that. I have chronic mental and physical illnesses but I might have had all of these if I were skinny too. I recently had a CT scan on my organs and they all look good. There is a little fat on my liver, so I am making a few more changes to my diet; less processed foods, more nuts for healthy fats, but I already don’t drink anything but water, herb tea and maybe a decaf Americano 2-3 times a week. I cook most of our food so I can control what types of carbs and ingredients we are eating; I eat oatmeal with dried fruit and nuts made with almond milk in the morning and that is what brought my cholesterol down.
We did have a treat yesterday though because you have to have treats every now and then. I am so excited that I finally found the pizza of my cravings. For years I have this taste I have craved but have never found it until yesterday. We have tried several pizzas at PieTrio’s Pizzeria and always enjoyed them but it was never perfect until yesterday when I decided to get the BYOP. You can choose 4 toppings so I chose Beef, Salami, Artichoke hearts and Fresh mushrooms. It was perfection! Their crispy crust and the perfect red sauce with the lightest hint of fennel and just the right amount to mozzarella was amazing! Why am I telling you this? Because it made me happy and two thin slices were satisfying and I like to support local business when I can. If you haven’t tried them, you should.
PieTrio’s Pizzeria
614 Commerce Ave Longview, WA 98632
360-353-3512
Find them on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pietrios/
Also the fact that I can occasional enjoy some pizza with red sauce proves that my stomach has healed a lot. I have successfully removed nightshades and kept gluten to a minimum so that on occasion I can have a little bit. Although I love tomatoes, my stomach and joints can’t handle them every day. My stomach doesn’t even digest bell peppers or most peppers. So pizza is a treat, not a lifestyle, which is the way it should be anyway.
Everyone’s wellness journey is personal. What works for one, wont work for another and that is ok. I was at a doTERRA class about supplements, yesterday, and we were sharing experiences and people were suggesting things for my chronic stuff. They didn’t understand that I have been doing this a long time. I have been using doTERRA for 11 years and although I don’t know all their products I have tried almost all of their oils. I appreciated the suggestions and was glad to share that my response to Turmeric is anaphylactic so, no, Turmeric is not an option for me because I like to live. But I did learn about a product that I would never have tried because in other forms it doesn’t work for me but after hearing about how it is working for others for chronic pain, I am willing to try it. Maybe it will help me overcome some of my pain so I can train for the 5K I still want to do…after I have healed from the hysterectomy I will probably be having in the next few months, of course.
I was recently invited to join a group on Facebook that looked like a nutrition group. I hate feeling interrupted by groups but I thought I would give it a try. Turns out is a group to market diet foods based on some MMA from the past. I know doTERRA is an MMA too but it is my only one and I don’t tend to purchase anything but oils and I love their deodorant. My body can’t process fake sugars and food coloring well. It causes my blood pressure to shoot up, sometimes the coloring comes out my sinuses or other weird places. I don’t know if it is the fake colors or the oils they use to make them stick to the powders but I just don’t eat diet food. I am better off with a burger and fries than diet food, in most cases. I gave it a try but I can’t stay in a group that keep showing me pictures of “donut holes” that are “healthy”. That isn’t working for me. I have worked really hard to learn how to learn how to enjoy real food in moderation or learn to enjoy healthier foods to sabotage myself like this.
Now all I need is a … well God knows. Thanks for reading.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 6, 2023 | Art, Poetry
I can feel your tears like acid
on the inside of me
Your open hands begging for
someone to hold them in love
You are so well groomed
You don’t know how lucky you are
to be breathing
~
I hear one hundred and one reasons
they deserve to be forgiven
Their brokenness was not your fault
Their brokenness is not a good reason
Their brokenness is their responsibility
You could never save them
They don’t want to be saved
~
And then you whisper another atrocity against you
~
I am not an unkind person
I see their value and I pray they choose right
To set you free
To do the work to be free
to each of you finding the love inside yourselves
So maybe you might find
the person that helps you breathe
instead of threatening your life
~
by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 1, 2023 | About Summer, Poetry
Sometimes we can’t see straight until we are removed
The situation is confused by emotions we want to feel
or don’t know how to name correctly
until we do
And often we are far on the other side before we know those words
~
I remember those days that I thought I would die
because they left me without their love
I missed the twinkle of their eye and their silly dance
I missed the way they played the drums
it always made me move
I missed laughing and feeling like I was home
~
Their phone call left me wounded
Walking around with a sucking chest wound
was a challenge
Each step a necessity and hope to get back to my aloneness
where I didn’t have to struggle to breathe so much
The tears kept my pillow like a swamp
Luckily I knew how to float on my back
~
But as I kept walking forward I started to find
the me I had lost while I was absorbed in what I thought was love
but was much more than love
in a way that I had got lost in it and couldn’t see
Because I forgot to love me
or I couldn’t love me and follow their rules
~
The multiple and paranoid texts while I was at school
The constant and easily triggered anger over anything
I was always trying to counter
The times I gave into what they wanted to avoid their whining
They could kiss me when they wanted but if they didn’t want a kiss…
Everything was up to them
~
Until they dumped me
And I was alone
And I found me
And when they came back and tried to reengage
I was stronger
I was aware of their abuse
I saw behaviors I didn’t want in my life
And I said NO
~
by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 23, 2023 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Education, Life
Years ago I was at my friend’s house. My friend and their spouse had only begun addressing mental health issues with their spouse which had the potential to be a danger to them. I don’t remember if they had begun trying to find the right meds yet or not. Just because you start the process of finding medications, doesn’t mean that things get better. It took me several years to find the right blend and we still adjust my medications every once and a while and every person is different. My friend’s spouse has very different diagnosis’ than I do and a very different body. They had broken out in a terrible fight while I was there. The kind where the police might have been needed to bring peace back to the neighborhood because my friend’s spouse didn’t always keep the fights indoors.
One thing that I always respected about my friend’s spouse is that they tried to keep the fights away from their child. In response to the fight, I chose to check on their child, who was wide awake in their bed. They were scared. I sat on the side of the child’s bed and held their hand. I answered their questions. Their parents loved them and each other they just weren’t feeling well right now. We sat quietly and let our tears run down our cheeks until my friend came to let us know that everything was ok now.
Before Jesus came to find me, when I was 5, I never had anyone to hold my hand when the fighting started on the other side of the wall. The characters in my past were not that different than my friend and their spouse. One had the same diagnosis as my friend’s spouse and the other was raised trying to keep the peace and needing to be the provider. We all are Emotional Neglect Survivors and I have been in survival mode all my life.
I was born overly sensitive. I see, hear, taste, and feel things that go unnoticed by many; I always have. I am uncommon. Because I am overly sensitive I was perfect to be the scapegoat and I didn’t get my needs met because I naturally had an overly developed sense of responsibility for others…but not myself. Being a child of divorce, I had two camps and 3 parental figures and they were all, at one time, the scapegoat — at least that is what I can observe. If I keep peeling back the layers, I see that my great-grandparents were immigrants on both sides of my family. If that isn’t a test tube for dysfunction, I don’t what is. Every generation of my family is hard-working, strong, generous, creative, intelligent but there are cracks, as in any family. Some dysfunctional behaviors can be made to look so pretty you don’t realize they are a culture you pass down. I was told by a character in my past that if I am the only one bothered by something, it is my problem.
The truth is I am too sensitive for the petri dish I was raised in. I am not angry about it. I really have forgiven what I believe the characters in my past didn’t know what they were doing, in fact they had no intention of doing. The one dynamic of my past I don’t miss at all is gossip. Rarely did someone talk to me until a small situation was so morphed it was no longer true. Of course I would become enraged. I was only called to do something for someone. I can’t pretend it never hurt to be shown all the pictures of events I didn’t know about, while I showed them pictures of their dog I was watching so they could go…and they would be shocked to learn how much their dog enjoyed the fresh slices of sweet potatoes I gave them.
Why wouldn’t I want to go to the beach? To the park? To dance competitions? The kids’ school performances? Their birthday parties?
Off and on for 42 years I have been in different kinds of therapy…yes even as a small child. As a young adult, I became even more diligent for the last 27 years. I have been labeled lots of things in the last 9 years. Mental and physical. Some labels that were not available when I was a child when many of my issues were showing up. How can I be angry at parents that didn’t know that children could have chronic migraines? Neurodivergent wasn’t coined until 1998…(Social anxiety, Sensory processing issues, OCD are just a few I have always had). For whatever reason the people raising me did not hear me when I tried to tell them things. They didn’t listen to me enough that I quit telling them and so I did not get the help I needed. Honestly, I don’t think they had the ability to hear me. They had their own traumas that were never dealt with, their own physical and mental pains that were never healed because no one knew the term Emotional Neglect until recently. They were taught to work and that is what they did.
In the last 9 years, I have had numerous therapists. All of them told me to separate myself from the characters of my past. I didn’t want to. But I have. There are so many holes in my memory but I have a part of me I call Anna. She remembers my emotions. I am missing a lot of memories. I was in such intense survival mode, I hardly remember high school. I am sure it was great and that the people I went to school with were wonderful, but there are very few I remember. It is hard to have whole parts of my life gone. What is worse — walking into a room of people, you hardly see, and be flooded with emotions you can’t pinpoint. In the last year or so, I have begun having memories return as my brain has been able to heal. The meds and having a peaceful life is helping.
But I realize that there are nights I don’t sleep because I am tormented by conversations that never happened or situations that I am not sure happened because Anna wants to be justified for all these feelings she holds for characters that live in my head because I don’t hold space for them in my real life. I didn’t let the love go away but I had to let room for healing happen. I have to let them go if I am going to have quiet in my mind or any chance and reconciliation of any kind. I can’t get rid of Anna but I can parent her. She needs me to hold her hand and let the tears run down our cheeks sometimes. She needs to be told that I love her and we are choosing peace because the characters of our past didn’t know how to teach us that, but Jesus does.
So I have been thinking about how to let in more air and light. I can’t change anyone but me. I must change how I think because my thoughts are stealing my peace. I wouldn’t let my friend’s child continue to imagine negative things about their friends at school without suggesting some wisdom. I would tell them what my preschool teacher, Teacher Lou said: “If someone is mean to you, play with someone else.” This philosophy has worked for me in many situations. Anna doesn’t need to play with imagined characters and neither do I. If what I am feeling is a real memory that needs to be forgiven or sat with, we can do that, but if it is imagined then I am going to let them go. Either way we will ask Jesus to bless them and give us all good night’s sleep.
Just like any mental health issue the path continues; it never just gets better. Chronic is what chronic does so we learn to dance and move the best we can. Be kind. Be smart.
Read More
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 20, 2023 | Book & Product Reviews, Opinions
I first heard about the book, Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, when I was reading The Reading List by Sara Nisha Adams. It was then that I committed to reading all the books listed in that book. I found this one at The Longview Public Library.
I was so excited to find this book but I made the mistake of having a list of 5 books to pick up that day when I went to the library. I also had asked them about another book that I had forgotten about, that was finally available…and of course the ones that called to me while I was walking around. I brought home a lot of books. By the time I got to this one I had gone through some really heavy reads, not to mention some really heavy living of my own. It doesn’t usually take me a month to read a 477 page book but that is how long it took me to read this one. What did I learn? I will only plan ahead to pick up 1 book when I go to the library from now on.
This book is amazing in that it covers so many topics. It is a love story. It is an immigration story. It is a coming of age story. It talks about politics, governments, history, cultures and all while explaining all the characters in Americanah. Adichie was able to help me get over my dislike of romantic novels by helping me learn to love the characters and understand why they did what they did in such an honest way. Although it took a while to catch me, eventually, I was caught and couldn’t wait to pick up the book to see what was going to happen next.
I got this book at the Longview Public Library. You can get your own copy of Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on Amazon.
~
Read My Review on GoodReads:
Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Adichie writes about humanity in such authentic voice that is both bold and gentle, depending on what is necessary. I am not a big reader of romance novels, generally, and it did take me a moment to fall in love with Ifemelu and Obinze as a couple but Adichie did so well at building them us as characters on their own journey that the book finally held me and called me again and again until I could not separate myself from this book. Being human is hard no matter where you live.
View all my reviews
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 16, 2023 | Cancer, Poetry
My arms and torso and legs are covered in yellow
not my happy yellow but the one with a bit of brown mixed in
that makes me sad to look at
It is heavy and thick like wet cement
and made worse by the valentines I can’t swallow
~
If I could have a baby
the one I have always wanted
I would paint their room a rainbow
including yellow with a hint of lavender
my favorite color
But it wouldn’t be the color that would make me smile
~
How would you know
You have never had a child
These are mean words that cut deeper than the curette
used to cut away at the cancer cells inside my uterus
The bleeding and cramping will heal after the medical procedure
but I will be forgiving for a much longer time
~
I told them to go away and then I made them do it
because I was tired of feeling rejected
unloved
I told them what I needed
But after the compassion was handed out to everyone else
There was never enough for me
~
I want to be green and lush
Cool and clean
but my memories keep me awake and steal my smiles
I feel so alone even though You are with me
Why can’t I let this sadness go
~
Radiation treatment is the next trauma
I don’t know what color I will be then
but I know You will be carrying me
when I can’t move on my own
~
by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 14, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions
I had my 4th procedure on Monday February 6, 2023. When I say procedure I am speaking of a D&C under anesthesia. My oncologist removed the IUD, filled my body with gas and made my uterus dilate. She inserted a camera to see what there was to see and took biopsies of the tissue in the lining of my uterus and removed any obvious cancer cells. Although it is a common procedure and I have had it 3 other times besides this time, I still was very anxious and very thankful that Karen could be with me until it was time to go to the operating room.
When I am very anxious I twitch in my torso and legs, sometimes in my arms. The anesthesiologist noticed when she came to see me before the procedure and I let her know about my random and involuntary twitching. She told me she had some medicine for that that she would give to me before she put me to sleep.
I hate the ride to the operating room. It makes me feel out of control and a little nauseous, even with the patch they put behind my ear to avoid that. So I keep my eyes closed. The operating room is very intimidating. It seems extremely large when you are on a gurney. Almost bulbous. There are people on all sides of the rooms getting things ready, just for you. You hear all kinds of sounds, music, tools being prepared that sound much like setting a large family dining room table. Everyone has those little booties over their shoes so their feet make that faint shuffle sound with every step. But as they asked me to move from the gurney to the cold, metal operating table all I could hear was the blood pumping in my ears as, what seemed like 5 nurses, all trying to offer their help with my gown and getting my arms in the right spot and getting me centered on the table.
I have skinny and deep veins. It is always a challenge to get an IV in my arms. I know this, so I made sure to drink a gallon of water the 2 days before my procedure and a liter of water before I was cut off from any fluids. It is the only thing I can do to help; making sure I am not dehydrated is all I can control. This day was no different. They brought in the hot packs, they beat on my arms, they had the tourniquets on and finally brought in the special light to be able to see where my veins were. They chose a spot that is hard for the technicians in the operating room, my wrist. If my hand is not perfect the medicine doesn’t go in so someone has to hold my hand during the procedure to make sure I don’t wake up. Usually I am asleep a lot faster but on this day, it took us a minute to realize the arrangement we were stuck with by the phlebotomist. My oncologist came in and flipped my blanket and gown over my face. The nurses quickly said hello to the doctor but obviously more with their eyes, because my gown was pulled down and my doctor said hello to me. I was able to say, “Hello Dr Westhoff,” before I fell asleep…this the fourth time we have met like this, at some point modesty is not on the top of the list.
When I woke up I was being returned to my room. I felt like my vagina had been scrubbed by a pine cone and that pine cone had been shoved in my uterus and was quietly on fire. I don’t remember it feeling this bad after other procedures. I kept telling people how bad it hurt. Unlike other times where I was ready to jump off the bed, get dressed and leave, this time I was not in a hurry, although I wanted Karen to be found as quickly as possible. The nurse told me I had been brought directly from the OR to my room, instead of going to recovery first so this must be the difference. At some point Karen showed up. No one offered me any of the nice intravenous meds I had been offered in the past and if I could just stop the world from spinning, I was ready to go home and be miserable there. I was offered one dose of oxy but I turned it down. I don’t like that stuff.
The next day it was obvious that just as the other times, I had needed to be put under more so I would stop moving. I know this because my throat was burning from the tube that had been put down my throat. I have had a terrible cough since as my throat has healed. I move all the time. I rarely stop, even if it is only small movements. I am sure this makes it hard to do what the doctor needs to do.
This week has been hard. More emotionally hard than anything else. I have been depressed for the last month and let me tell you, this procedure is not what you need to come out of it. I feel isolated and the after effects of surgery for me are not fun. My body does not like to be poked and prodded and there are ways it shows me, both mentally and physically that are unpleasant.
I have been watching for emails from my doctor about the biopsy. I got one a few days ago that said there was still cancer there. I wasn’t surprised because I had been ordered to begin the cancer meds again. We had stopped them after I had the blood clots in my lungs, back in October, so that my body could respond and get rid of them. Cancer meds aren’t fun. I keep telling myself I am lucky because other people have to fight harder with other methods that are more painful…but today I got an email from my oncologist that said we have to talk about radiation.
I didn’t need this today. I am so tired. I am so sick of pills. I am so angry to be stuck in this body. There is always a barrier standing in front of me and I just want a bit of freedom…
…and yet God is faithful and He will bring me through this too.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 3, 2023 | About Summer, Life
Before my youngest sibling was born and my grandparents returned from their wedding in Hawaii, Nana lived in her own little house in Seattle. My mother took us there often. I loved Nana’s house. I was younger than 5 when she lived there. I don’t have a lot of full memories that can be just one great story because I was so young but I have little tidbits of memories, of a little girl, that are worth writing down and sharing.
When we first got to Nana’s house, she was always prepared for our visit. I am sure my parents were ready for a break too. Nana always had a little gift, like a book or a little toy. That was always a fun surprise. Nana was into health and wellness well before it was a buzz word. But she did keep a jar with marshmallows in the kitchen and if I was good, I got one for each hand. I don’t really like marshmallows anymore, but when I eat them I feel like I am with Nana and she is happy, that I am happy.
Nana’s bedroom was blue and so was the ensuite. I thought that was the coolest thing ever! The other bathroom was yellow. For some reason I had it in my mind that I wanted to pee standing up. I don’t know why I felt this was important, but I do remember standing on the toilet seat of that yellow bathroom facing the door and squatting over the toilet. I am not sure if I was successful, but I also don’t remember feeling the need to do that again.
Nana loved her coffee. She would sit at her kitchen table next to the window and enjoy her coffee while she read or did some of her toiletries. I remember she had this little glass bird that was actually an Avon fragrance. I loved it because it fit right in my little hands and it was pretty. I thought it should be mine and I told Nana that. She didn’t agree with me but she let me hold it while we were at the table. That is where I had my first experience with coffee. When she stepped away I took a sip of her’s. It had grown cold and it had nothing in it. Yuck! I was in no hurry to try coffee again. I love it now, but I do take cream in my Americanos.
Nana had the perfect backyard for a little one. You could sit on the back porch and see the entire backyard, so my pre-5-year-old wanderings were perfectly fine. She had a fenced in yard so I couldn’t wander too far, with beautiful shrubs, at least to me, I think there was either a tree in her backyard or directly next to the fence and I enjoyed it. I love trees. I remember Nana had a garden and we would dig in the dirt and make the vegetables grow. Alongside the back yard was the long driveway that stopped in front of the garage. I remember once we were getting out of the car. I always got out of the car after Nana, we were on the passenger side of the car. As she almost stepped out of the car, but she saw a snake and gracefully brought her foot back into the car and shut the door and slid over to the other side of the car. I heard her say, “Nope,” as she exited and helped me out of the car.
On the back porch was a swing that had been my great-grandmother’s; I had called her Grammy. Next to Nana, she was the only other better person in the world. She died of lung cancer when I was 5 and I have almost no memories of her but I do remember telling Nana: “Grammy is my favorite person in the world, but you are my next favorite person, Nana.” I was the first born great-grandchild to Grammy and the first-born grandchild to my Nana and I was probably their favorite person too, at least long enough for another grandchild to be born.
Nana has always amazed me. She was a Boeing executive and a dance teacher. She was graceful and beautiful every time I saw her. She always dressed elegantly and had something interesting to say. She is the original writer in the family and taught me to write letters and thank you notes, to love quotes, expressive words and good books, including the bible. At breakfast she would break out Miss Manners and read to us proper etiquette. She doesn’t answer my letters anymore but I still write them.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 23, 2023 | About Summer, Life, Opinions
I don’t remember ever trusting my mother. It wasn’t that she didn’t love me. It was that she was more than one person. My friend Jeff knows the kind, creative and generous woman that most people know and I am so glad he knows that woman, but I know many different women and I never knew which one would show up. I knew a woman that was also a child that I needed to parent. Her needs were often greater than mine, in more than one way.
Mental illness comes in many forms. The paperwork I found in her desk said Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is a real monster. It tells the person who has it they are nothing and deserve to die; that everyone hates them. People with BPD often lead productive lives because they can throw themselves into work but that is where they spend all their energy and home is where they are exhausted. They tend to have insomnia, obsessive behaviors and a particular person they release their frustrations on. I am my mother’s person.
When I was little, before my parent’s divorce, my father was my only stability. He protected me from my mother and my younger sibling’s behaviors. He taught me to find things to do to stay constructive. He taught the androgynous mind in my head how to find answers. I didn’t think like my mother and siblings. I was more direct and assertive. But when he left, I had no one.
My mother was scared of so many things. She had to look good and right in front of everyone, even when it was impossible to do so. That put a huge toll on me because she relied on me to make sure I helped her do this. It was implied while my parents were married, but it was obvious when she pulled me into her bedroom when I was 9 to tell me that my Dad was leaving and they were getting a divorce. That was the day I became her actual therapist, housekeeper and babysitter. That was the day my childhood was over, although I found moments to play even through high school.
I skipped being a teenager.
I should never have been left with my younger siblings. I was only 3 1/2 years older than my younger sibling and 5 1/2 years older than my baby sibling. I was angry. I was probably already having migraines and showing signs of Anxiety Disorder…but we didn’t know about that until I was well into my 30s and 40’s. My siblings did not respect me and neither did my mother.
Although I was not respected, I loved my family and I wanted my siblings to be safe. I took the abuse in place of my siblings. I thought I was doing them good. Now I know I may have only been making things worse because I really don’t know their stories. They certainly have stories of an angry and abusive sister. As the one that always felt responsible for everyone, it is hard to place the responsibility where it belongs and leave it there.
While I grew up, I was told I hated my mother, but I loved her with everything I had, while I often felt unloved. I was told I didn’t respect my mother, but I was never respected for keeping decent grades, helping with the house, my siblings and later with bills. I was called terrible names and told I would never succeed in life and every ache and pain was because I was fat…even my doctors don’t say that. Hugs were unheard of unless I was falling apart. I never told anything to my mother because she always called everyone she knew to tell them, sickness, success, bad behaviors, nothing was sacred or not needed for her to get the attention she needed. Even being sick…I didn’t let her take me to the doctor when I needed to go because that would turn into a something about her while I nursed myself and then when anyone else was sick and I didn’t think to take care of them, I was told I was not compassionate.
My therapist says it is amazing that I can see the many sides of my mother and appreciate the complexity of her. It isn’t that I don’t love her or respect her because I have great love and respect for her. I think she is amazingly talented and intelligent. She has built a life for herself on her own that I hope makes her happy. But I am also terrified of her.
Terrified because the sound of her at the door makes me feel like I need to jump up and find something to be doing when she comes in so she wont yell as much. Terrified because she will find several things to criticize me about and she doesn’t have to follow any of the rules I have to follow. Terrified because I know she will tell everyone she knows about our visit, even if I ask that not do that, and not only that but she will bring her stories to tell, that I don’t want to hear and she will expect me to be the therapist I have asked her to get for years.
Terrified because she is going to make me guard the boundaries I have to set, like a well-trained guard dog and I really just want to be a daughter. I disconnected from my family several years ago, not because I didn’t love them but because I was tired of being “othered”. I don’t deserve to be left out, cancelled on and given a separate set of rules.
“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
Note: Anna is very agitated lately. My mother has been emailing me and Anna is running amuck. She has decided I have to start telling my stories. To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of details, but Anna is keeping me awake at night. The Last Time I Saw Him bought me 2 nights of rest. I am hoping this will bring me a few nights of sleep…
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 21, 2023 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions
The last time I saw him on purpose was because my niece had invited me to her graduation from high school. I will do anything I am able to do for my nieces and nephews and they know it. They were my reason for showing up; they had been for years. Each of them hold a piece of my heart.
It had been a hard and expensive week. We were living with friends because we didn’t make enough money to rent our own place. My niece had also invited us to her last ballet, which we had gone to a few nights earlier and then come home. Traveling is very hard with my disabilities so this night we had booked a room at a hotel in Marysville, Washington.
This day we had come to town in time to meet for lunch. I was excited to see my oldest nephew, since he does not answer my attempts to communicate. I threw my arms around my 6 foot tall, purple haired, adult nephew, that I haven’t seen in a few years, who announced he is bisexual…I totally don’t care…so I told him to hug me, and then I met his boyfriend. My youngest nephew was also there, I also hadn’t seen him in a few years and I was so excited to see him and hug him too. I was eager to place myself in the middle of the tables to face them and my niece, who was sitting close to her grandmother, to hear what they had to say about life.
I could feel opposing energies from either end of the table where my parents and one of my siblings sat and my another sibling and her spouse sat. We were still adjusting meds for me and I was trying to not crawl out of my skin. The stress from my step-mother and younger sibling was so large it almost needed its own room. I didn’t have words for them. I hadn’t had words for them for some time. I was still friendly with my older sibling.
When we left we had planned to check into our hotel and then go over to my older sibling’s house to visit but when you are chronic you don’t always have full control of what your body is going to do. I sat on the bed and passed out. I woke up, barely in time to go to the graduation.
My older sibling has lived in Marysville for several years but I have only learned the areas she has lived in, the houses she had lived in and the grocery stores and shopping centers we go to. We tended to stay at her house when I have come to visit. I did not know the arena we were going to for my niece’s graduation or the busy area around it. The parking was hard. There were lots of family members that came for the event and lots of businesses around the building. We ended up parking about 4 or 5 blocks away from the event center.
I was so tired already and by the time we reached the graduation, people were moving out of the way and offering me disabled seating. I looked a bit rough. I don’t do well in the sun or the heat, let alone being exhausted before a walk. Thank God I remembered my cane. While we waited I could see my family, a few rows beneath us. They looked up at us and waved. I read faces, but I could be wrong, so I will leave it at that.
The ceremony was wonderful. The school did a great job celebrating each student. Afterward we were speed walking towards the end of the building (I didn’t know this would be part of the event) to reach my niece. She was leaving shortly for a trip with her graduating class. It was a big building. I wake up in pain so you can imagine how the pain had continued to get worse throughout the day; Fibromyalgia, Lymphedema and Psoriatic and Osteoarthritis are not friendly…Generalized Anxiety Disorder can be quite a bear too, luckily so far, PTSD had decided to stay home.
I was so thankful I was able to hug my niece and tell her how proud I was of her. That was the point of all of that day.
After she was gone, we all filtered outside, but I was disoriented and I didn’t have it in me to act as though I were well as usual. I was trying to hold myself together and Karen and I tried to remember what direction our car was. No one was talking to us so we had walked away from the group and began looking at the streets and trying to remember the way we came.
My father came up to me and thanked me for coming. He hugged me. Unlike usual I didn’t try to be strong. I didn’t have it in me. I said, “I hurt.” I heard the little girl voice come out that shows itself when I am super tired. My father didn’t hold on like you see fathers on TV. He jumped back. He did ask where our car was. When we told him we didn’t know. He said he had to go get his and ran away.
I always hoped my dad would be like Charles Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie. In some ways he is. He has the work ethic. But he is not the nurturer.
My father has spent his life running from me. At least that is the way I feel. For my birthday this year, my step-mother filled out a card that said they loved me with the obligatory check. Yet they have never sent a get well card, email, or letter. I suppose they are angry that I wont let them call me but I have a phobia of the phone. Our phone calls are always stressful anyway, no matter who called.
I mailed the check back. I wrote a note saying that I had never wanted any of his things or his money, I wanted relationship. I wanted him to show that he was interested in me. But I was tired of waiting and I asked him to please let me go.
I don’t believe that all my parents tried to fail me. I think they did the best they could. But they left me alone a lot. Too much. Thankfully God never left me alone. It is because of God that I can forgive them and be thankful for what each of them has taught me, but I don’t have to continue to be feel rejected or left alone. And that is why I want to be left alone.
God is my true Father. He has always been with me and kept every promise.
When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.
Psalm 27:10
I am thankful for my real Father that has known me before He made me and has helped me and continues to help me as I heal from being an emotional neglect and abuse survivor.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.