Things have changed me over the last 12 years. I got married to someone the loves me for exactly who I am. I don’t have to act or be anything other than who I am. When I am at my worst Karen G Clemenson tells me I am beautiful, sexy, smart and she loves me. When I have nothing for her, I can tell her that and she will give me space because that is what I need. She knows I love her and when I have dealt with me or taken a nap, I will be there for her and until then, there is food in the fridge, clean clothes to wear and interesting books to read and her favorite app on her phone.
I have worked hard to learn to live with and accommodate chronic physical and mental illness. These things don’t go away but they can be managed and I do it well.
I have removed people and things from my life that do not serve me well. I have learned to say no and to create boundaries.
I have come to peace with my sexuality. God made me this way and He has never stopped loving me. I am also comfortable with my sex. These were two things that for several reasons were hard for me growing up. But God has never left my side.
I have overcome suicidal ideation. At most it is a fleeting thought and when it comes, I know to stop and take better care of myself.
I have also overcome endometrial cancer. Now at one point on a specific day I had at least 4 medical professional’s hands in my lady parts at one time. That was just one moment of the day. Throughout the three years I fought this cancer, I have had more people in my lady parts than I ever gave the two people I loved enough to choose to be with in my 50 years of life. This has made me much braver than most of the other hard things I have had to do in my life.
I reached 50 years old. Now I don’t really care about age. I don’t give it a lot of thought. Some topics, I still converge upon as a child. My age doesn’t really reflect to me in reality until I want to move and then reality becomes apparent because I really do have two kinds of arthritis and fibromyalgia, but in my head age is fluid. But I do think I have earned enough life experience that even if, I didn’t already believe that other people’s opinion of me is none of my business, what I think matters.
Yet, what I love about myself is that what I believe about most things can be fluid because I am a human and I don’t know everything and sometimes I hear, read or see incorrectly and I know it.
I appreciate your beliefs and I appreciate the time and effort you put into explaining why you believe what you do.
I believe there is room for all beliefs.
I am a Jesus Follower because when I was 5 years old, I was playing by myself under the apple trees in my backyard and suddenly, I knew I was with Jesus and I never been alone since. I have been able to rely on my relationship with Jesus when I didn’t know how to do things, when I didn’t have answers, when I was hurting and when I could not trust anyone. I can’t prove this to you and I am not trying to. In my 20’s I got angry and told God to F-CK off. That was the loneliness, and most scary week of my life and it ended with me on my face asking Him to forgive me because I don’t know how to function without His relationship.
I don’t believe God wastes His time testing me. He doesn’t have to when He knows where I am. He knows I am willing to listen to Him. He is my Dad and my Friend. We have the same goal. Yes, He prunes and He teaches and He corrects, as His word says, but I think testing is the world’s job.
I am not a traditional person or a person that cares about rituals. Religion is not something that interests me but I love people because I believe we are all created in the image of God and it is His breath in our lungs.
Suffering is part of life. God did not promise a life free of suffering. Jesus’ 40 day fast was not easy. He spent most of his ministry, homeless. He was beaten with fists and whips before he was crucified; his death was brutal. What God did promise was that He would bring us through trials. He would empower us to love each other and help each other.
There can’t be evidence of God if we are to rely on faith. As we walk with God we learn to rely on faith and empathy. We learn this by learning from what Jesus taught us and the relationship we can grow in our meditation with the Holy Spirit, which was left with us when Jesus left the earth to go to God.
Hell is an interesting topic. Honestly, I believe hell is right here when we choose to make choices that hurt ourselves and others; the natural consequences of not loving. This was not taught to me at all church, but in my own studies of the bible. I might be wrong, but God is very practical. The laws in the bible were meant to help humans to have healthy lives, and show people that lived in dry, sandy and hot places, where they wore togas and sandals and had poor sanitation and bad manners, how to be clean and mindful of each other so that everyone was well. Those same rules were meant to prove that rules cause sin because humans are rebellious by nature and need a Savior. God was setting the stage for Jesus.
This same God, wants to be chosen so He gave us the right to choose. You don’t have to choose Him. I am not asking you to choose Him. But I do love Him and I am grateful that He chose me and I got to choose Him back.
I believe God made science. He is very creative. God’s version of time is very different than ours because He never gets tired since He is Spirit and doesn’t have a body. A day to God is thousands of years, which is why, even though the bible says the earth was created in 6 days, scientists have proven it took thousands of years of evolution for the earth to even be safe for humans to be here. I could think on that for a long time. It’s pretty amazing.
I am very thankful for the people that inspired these thoughts!
I want to close with this thought. I want you to have an amazing day. I want the sun to shine on you. I want you to feel love today and I want you to know safety. Regardless of what happens outside our community, I want Kelso-Longview to be a place where joy is because I live here. I can get get a little hot under the collar but at the end of the day, I do believe we are all made in the image of God and it is His breath in our lungs. And I want that to be the impression I leave. I get passionate because I love people and I want all people to loved and cared for and sometimes we fail, but I really hope you have a great day!
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Today was a special day. A birthday. They are hard. Days for special people that I love with all my heart that I can’t reach because they have not chosen me. Jamie Holloway suggested we have cake and sing, “Happy Birthday.” She was right. It helped a lot.
I have been trying very hard to not write about certain people. I want to be done with them but they still live in my dreams. They are still in my history. They still make me cry.
I recently texted something I needed to say to my mom, but I couldn’t say it to her. I don’t need an apology. I just needed to tell her. People can only give what they have. Most people don’t have the words I need. That is what Karen G Clemenson and Jamie and a few others that know who they are, are for.
Mom said that she thinks the blog is what really triggered these people. Whether that is what she meant, I felt some blame in that phrase. I am not angry about it. We don’t have to agree to love each other.
I never pulled all the heads off of someone’s dolls until they made Cabbage Patch Dolls and I couldn’t do it anymore so I outlined their mouths with blue ink. I have never chased anyone around a house with a knife on more than one occasion. I have never kicked anyone in the stomach over and over again while they begged me to stop. I have never stolen anything from anyone, especially their senior year, year book with messages from people they can never replace. I never helped someone buy their psych meds and then told everyone about it. I never told people I paid someone to do something that they did for free. I never poured river rock on top of the flower beds they dug out by hand and planted bulbs that they never saw produce. This is the short list. This is the list of only one person. This is the list that hurts the least.
This is the substance of a system that I was not born into but it became as I grew older and things changed; while my family changed.
I was told by several therapists that I should leave my family. I loved them. Most importantly there were sibkids (kids of siblings) that I adored and I knew if I left, I would never see them again because the system was what it was, so I stayed.
But when I got really sick, the kind of sick that doesn’t go away, I realized I had to change. And when I prayed to God for a partner because I really didn’t want to live anymore, and I didn’t want to live alone because even though I was surrounded by people, none of them ever chose me, there was Karen. So we married and even though nothing got better right away, I had some joy. One day we came over for dinner and my mom even told me how beautiful I looked. I didn’t know what to say. Joy does that for you.
But we tried to be part of this system and Karen was watching me get worse. And one day after a visit when I was unable to stay awake or get out of bed, she came home from work and begged me to get out of bed and eat something and take my meds. She begged me not to let them take me away anymore. And when the depression subsided and my mind came back around, I realized I had to make a choice, so I called my mom and then my dad and I told them both that I had to take a break from them. I didn’t know where the pain was coming from and I needed a break. My therapists suggested a complete cut, but I didn’t want that. I had hoped that it would just be a break.
But my sisters heard about it and they cut me off and took their kids. My only pure joy.
Ms. Colvin, my father’s second wife remained who she is. My oldest sister remained who she is. My older, younger sister stayed who she is. My father chose who he always chooses. There were lots of terrible things.
It became permanent.
I cannot and will not apologize for my writing my truth. I cannot and will not apologize for living authentically. Abusers need to be outed. I deserve to be advocated for. I deserve to be my own hero. I have earned my freedom. I will never get back the love I wasn’t given and that I deserved.
God is a God of reconciliation. It is because He healed me so much that I could hear Him when my youngest sister reached out to me and He said it would be ok, that I read her message about our mother that I have had amazing moments with her. But I have fought hard to be able to stand in my truth. I will not sit down now. I will not be quiet and let things be.
I will not attack my abusers on purpose. They do not have to read my blog.
It is their love for drama that created my need for the outlet that sometimes my blog is. This is my 653rd article on this website. These articles that might bring them up might take up only >5-10% of all of them. I am a warrior. I have beat cancer. Jamie reminds me of that all the time. I may have spent most of the day in bed today, but tomorrow I will get up and have a great day.
I am free from the system that my extended family holds dear.
Oh BTW I beat cancer!
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I’m much stronger than I have ever been and I have forgiven so much. I have learned who I am and I like myself. I like myself enough to be comfortable with saying this is who I am and it is ok that I am not like you. I can say no to abusive people or people that don’t add anything to my life, especially if they know they are hurting me, because I told them, and they are not willing to change, or worse, they tell me that if I am the only one with the problem, than I am the problem.
Learning Who I Am
I have been hurt by a lot of people. I walked away from most people for a period of time, some so I could get the medical and mental wellness help I needed. I needed to learn who I am, what I want, what I need, how to take care of myself and make healthy boundaries. Some of these people had hurt me, but it wasn’t intentional, they were surviving too and I needed to know how to see myself as an individual and not an extension of them. In fact I hurt them too because I was always angry and confused and we were all being manipulated by the same people.
I am very sensitive, I am also a sensory person. Lights, sounds, colors and large groups of people are hard for me, especially if I have not prepared myself for the experience. It took me a long time to learn how to do that.
I have been talking with God about the emotional pain I have lived with for most of my life and a lot of it has healed. I used to be so miserable all the time; fluvoxamine has helped me not want to die and slowed down my thoughts so I can process them in a healthy way. I don’t feel angry all the time anymore. I was talking with God several nights ago and had no peace about the pain I was feeling. My abusers will never hear me, even if I had the opportunity to tell them what I want them to know. They believe what they want to.
Over the years, I have become more comfortable with my emotions. Grandma Clemenson was someone who cried. I am more like her that way. The following morning when I was talking to God, I found myself saying to Him that I wanted my pain to honor Him and that was different and I felt a shift. I suddenly knew why He hasn’t taken it from me. Even the Apostle Paul had a “thorn in his flesh” that kept him humble (2 Corinthians 12:7).
I don’t leave home often but when I do, I meet people and I have moments with them that mean something. Because my pain is available, I never forget and it makes it easy to empathize with people that hurt, with people who might be ignored or misunderstood by others. It helps me love them.
Growth Is Good
I am glad I was able to reconnect with my mom and youngest sister. God told me it was time. He is always correct. I had always thought I was just like my father and I do have some of his good qualities. But I see that I am very much like my mom. We are givers. We are creative. We have had some great conversations.
We have been able to clear up some misunderstandings. I had always thought Mom didn’t like to talk about hard things, but since we have been able to do this many times and we both have been able to apologize for where we were wrong, I think she was tired a lot when she was carrying our family.
I was not as clear in some of my blog posts regarding my mom. Like in I Tried to Call My Father Daddy Once where I wrote about the call to my parents to tell them about my cancer. I only mentioned my mom, because I wanted to illustrate that I called her first because she deserved it. The article was about my relationship with my father. I should have left her out of the article altogether, but since I didn’t, I should have mentioned that she called me as soon as she heard my voicemail and we talked for a while, she tried to reassure me that I would be ok and she was praying for me. In our recent conversation, she told me her phone didn’t recognize the number I was calling from, but she called me right back after she heard my message, and she did. I apologized to her but also told her that article was about how bad my father made me feel.
There were other things I wrote about my mom that must have been confused in my mind. I have apologized for things I thought were true; I should have never mentioned anything about my mother’s mental health diagnoses, especially because I was wrong. Mental health can be a real bear. I am trying very hard to remain in now and stop looking back.
There has been a lot of mumbling about my blog. It’s sad to me that people get stuck on a few articles but don’t see the hundreds of poems, book reviews, articles about Jesus, research articles and my updates about my cancer. I have been writing since I was a child. I was skimming through many posts today, and yes, the last several years have been intense, but, in my opinion, there is some lovely art mixed in with my growing pains.
I am at a point where I don’t want to talk about my abusers anymore. I have said enough. They don’t deserve any more of my time. But I do want them to leave my mom alone. When I stepped away I didn’t keep sending her messages until I was ready to return. I certainly didn’t send hate mail. I didn’t lie or manipulate anyone to alienate her. I didn’t even do what I was accused of.
Society is in Pain
This week, I was watching a video of an influencer I have been watching for a while. He is a young man that I have been paying attention to as he grows into himself. He does beautiful things in his community, with the goal of building relationship. Usually he posts great stories about his interactions with people but the video I interacted with, was his response to two young women that took a couple Angel Tree tags off a tree and filled a shopping cart with merchandise and recorded themselves while doing it, and then left the full cart in the store when they left. Immediately people were angry or sad and other big emotions. Because I used to be on The Salvation Army Board for the Kelso-Longview Corp. I know how some of the ways the Christmas Center was run while I was on the board and volunteered. So I posted that the cards were only suggestions and that the Christmas Center was probably set up like a store so parents and guardians could come and “shop” for what their children wanted and needed for Christmas. I wanted people to not worry, children would get something to open for Christmas. My message was totally meant to bring peace to those who thought that those children would not get anything because their card was stolen.
And for many my message did what I had intended.
But for a lot of people my message illustrated 2 things for me:
Kelso-Longview is truly unlike most other places and we do things differently. I already knew this but I forgot. But it does make sense that each TSA Corp would function in the way that their community would respond the best.
People have been hurt. People have been hurt by groups, organizations and people that said they were going to help. Because of this they are cynical, gun-shy and sometimes just plain hateful. This I also knew because I have been there.
I have spent a lot of time the last two days responding to people because I thought it was right to tell them that I was wrong to tell them how my corps handles the Christmas Center, when I haven’t volunteered there for several years and I have never been to another corps ever. I also told them it makes sense that all TSA Corps would function in a way that best suits their community, meaning that those cards might really be for a specific child. I have apologized to people that felt as though the Corps in their area has taken advantage of them or people in their community (I don’t make excuses or argue, their experience is their experience). I have explained that I was raised being told that I would never get every gift on my Christmas list because gifts are not the main reason for Christmas, spreading joy, love and gratefulness is. I have said Merry Christmas a lot.
I also have been discussing with a gentleman in a community group why I think it is wrong to call people names because you don’t agree with their political beliefs. I don’t offer my opinion as much as I used to. I have begun reading other people’s responses and giving a thumbs up or hug to people I agree with and letting the rest go. Many times I find people that just like to swear a lot and call people names. Those people I respond by telling them they are an abuser. I never get a response from anyone on those. But this guy was different because, although he was calling a particular group names, he was using old fashioned names that were fascinating and intelligent. So I thanked him for being interesting, but reminded him that other people have a right to their opinion. He thanked me for noticing his great words and explained why he thought that people who believed a specific way were troglodytes and referred to a violent show that I have not seen to illustrate his reasoning. I told him that I believed that verbal violence was still violence, I had not seen that show, and I didn’t want to add to any violence. I think we are done with our discord.
My point is that our society is hurting. Many of us are hurting as individuals. Some of are hurting as families. A lot of us are hurting as a nation. Even some might say that the earth is crying out. I have to admit that several times this week, I have wanted to let my anger engage with some people. I am human and I wanted to have some vengeance. But I know that vengeance belongs to God. And when I didn’t want to let that prevail, I asked Karen G Clemenson, and she reminded me that the people I wanted to engage with, only like to fight and I would be giving them what they want. I don’t like to fight. I am trying to grow up here. I will 50 here in a few weeks, and I want to be a thoughtful and wise person like Grandpa Bill. I want to be a graceful lady like Nana. I want to by a good listener like Grammy. I want to be devoted and forthright woman like Grandma Clemenson. I want to keep creating and giving like Mom. I don’t need to let my temper or my mood swings get the best of me.
This year for Christmas maybe we should choose to be soft with each other. Even if it takes a few days to cool of so we don’t give more violence or hate instead of love and compassion.
Note: It has taken me 6 days to write this.
Image Credit: Isn’t my mom’s Christmas tree pretty?
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Today I am honoring the fact that I am depressed. Why do I use those words? Because I learned in my 30’s that being honest with myself was not negative but the first step in the right direction. If I recognize I am depressed then I know I need to either try harder or rest more. I have thought about why I might be depressed and it just comes back to the fact that I am chronically ill and I live in chronic pain and sometimes those two things make my life harder and I don’t like it and sometimes those two things impede on me more than I want them to and it makes me angry, so angry I lash out on me.
So I slept a lot today and then I made myself do my workout. I have been skipping my workout. Not every day but enough. I need my workouts. They are needed and I shouldn’t be skipping them unless I had surgery or I have a migraine. When I can think straight I know this. My workouts are not stressful. They focus on stretching and strengthening my muscles. They are not aerobic because my body doesn’t like those movements. However my rheumatologist has noticed how flexible I am and my oncologist has noticed my strength. These two characteristics are the foundation of stamina. I need them to support joints and nerves that often fail me. They have helped me not to fall countless times.
Since the day is almost gone I will not confuse myself with too much. I have a phone appointment or preop appointment with my oncologist tomorrow. I have to get up much earlier than usual so tomorrow I will get things done. Today I will spend some time in my bible. I will take a shower. I will go to bed early. I will take care of me.
When we are depressed it is wise to listen to ourselves and love ourselves. Often there is a reason and sometimes there isn’t. Or sometimes the reason isn’t one you can get rid of, but you can love yourself through the moment.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have struggled a lot during the campaign and the reign of Trump. I won’t say much on that because verbally bashing the president is redundant at this point. I do pray that God blesses him and that God finds glory for Himself in whatever God is doing in and through Trump. Any success Trump has is a success for us all and I would be a fool to not support this. I too am an imperfect human. I too can be judged by many. I too can be misunderstood. But whether I misunderstood him, or his imperfections caused valid fear in me, it has effectively persuaded some of my responses.
Jamie and Summer getting together and enjoying our time.
I am an independent thinking voter, who has never voted straight across a platform until Trump was being voted for because I was afraid of Project 2025. I regret my state level votes. However, our democratic governor has nothing to do with the fact that Project 2025 began happening the minute Trump took office.
As far as the government shutdown goes. There came a moment when I knew people were not getting their paychecks but were expected to go to work, that I felt like we had to stop playing politics and be humans. When people were worried about their SNAP and WIC benefits and it was no longer important to me if the republicans or the democrats won. When an airplane crashed into a building with workers in it and people died, it was time to stop listening to Trump be wish washy and be forced by judges to feed hungry Americans. Because The USA is made of people; hard working people. People who deserve to be paid for their work so they can pay their bills and that money can go into our economy and build us all. Just like the SNAP and WIC benefits don’t just benefit the families that use them, but the grocery store that gets them and all the truck drivers and gas stations and every other business that support and supply the grocery stores and their workers. I don’t care if you think one side caved. The government staying closed, hurts us all. Insurance is important, but it was never going to be fixed if Congress could not get together and work on it.
I am watching as more democrats are taking positions or announcing their candidacy in government. I mentioned Jack Schlossberg, JFK’s grandson, running for Congress to Karen G Clemenson when she stopped by between jobs. I don’t know anything more about him. I don’t know if he will be good at the position. But I recognize that it is normal that when we have a president that shakes us up, that belongs to one party, we tend to switch to the other side at that next election. Our current president has more than shook up The United States, but other countries as well. So soon in his run, I am interested to see what will happen next. I was scared at one point. But then I decided to detach and see if I could enjoy any of Trump’s audacity.
I will never understand his appeal to anyone but I do enjoy audacity. It’s my type of humor. So I guess if you see me laughing, you can assume I’m dealing with myself the best way I know how.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have been in a pit of depression for the month of October and I woke up feeling so much lighter and glad to be out of that pit today. I made it out and it feels so good to be able to move easier. Depression is painful, not only mentally but physically for me. It stops me from doing so many things until I process whatever it is that I need to get through. I am thankful I got through. I have been so worried about a lot of things, things I know I can do nothing about other than to pray and try to set my mind in order on but what a day to be able to wake up and say: Happy Halloween 2025!
I have been terribly worried about the victims of Hurricane Melissa. The people in Jamaica, Haiti and Dominican Republic have been ravished. They have lost loved ones, homes, hospitals, places of work, safe spaces. All I can do is pray but I am so thankful for the people coming to their aid from all over the globe. Times like these really show me what love can look like and it doesn’t just come from one place. Love is international.
Politically I have been destitute. I am neither a democrat or a republican. I wish either party had a platform worth standing on right now. I think they have both lost their footing. Socially I tend to appreciate some of the social justice that democrats offer. Financially, I usually like the tax beliefs that republicans align themselves with. However, raising taxes on the poor and cutting taxes for the rich makes absolutely no sense to me. People that work should be able to have health insurance. In fact I do believe in universal healthcare because humans get sick and sick people should be able to go to the doctor and prevention saves money in the long run, a healthy workforce can pay more taxes, sick people make more sick people, and people that can’t afford to go to the doctor, go to the hospital and leave bills for the rest of us to pay for anyway. Eating is necessary and so SNAP should not be something we are fighting about. The fact that the government has been closed for 5 weeks is ridiculous. Trump has chosen to let the government stay closed and this makes me furious. He has proven, he gets what he wants. Other presidents have conceded when it was necessary.
But! Two judges ordered that contingency funds be used to pay for SNAP and so people will get their benefits, in spite of the bull headedness of our politicians and everyone that gets those dollars, including all the entities that benefit from those dollars at the grocery stores will continue to benefit which means we all benefit and I feel like a huge weight has been removed off of my chest. Thank You Jesus!
I was thinking about a Halloween a long time ago. I was out with friend. I was old enough that it was just the two of us in our neighborhood. Oak Street didn’t have a lot of street lights and it didn’t have sidewalks but we made it out alive. We were about finished. There was a park a block from my house and Stephanie and I were accosted by two boys that wanted our candy. They grabbed my pillow case that I had been using to collect candy. It made me angry so I grabbed it back and hit them in the head with it and left for home.
This is how I was telling the story to Karen G Clemenson. She was laughing. She didn’t understand why I would do that. So I told her. First, the boys had masks on, but I knew it was Ty and Shad. Ty lived across the street from me and Shad lived down the street from Stephanie and I didn’t need to be afraid of them. Second, my mom had just bought me a new comforter and matching pillow case and I really liked that pillow case. It wasn’t about the candy, it was about the pillow case. Also, if they had asked for the candy I would have given them some. I just didn’t want anyone to steal from me. Too much candy has always made me sick. They could have even followed me home and taken some. I always brought my Halloween candy to school anyway to share with my friends because I was not used to eating a lot of sugar.
Karen just kept looking at me like she couldn’t believe what I was telling her. It was about the pillow case, not the candy…One time Mom asked me where the strawberry preserves were and I told her Ty asked to borrow it…so I had to go to his house and get it back.
My mom didn’t like Halloween. She had her own reasons. I didn’t necessarily care for the day but I loved dressing up. Sometimes I would play with my makeup. One time my mom called me out to ask me a question and I didn’t have enough time to remove my makeup. I had done a mosaic design on my face. It was fantastic, but in the dimly lit living room, it must have been frightening. I tried to stay in the dark so she couldn’t see me while we spoke. Eventually, she looked at me and screamed. That had not been my goal. I was just a creative kid.
I haven’t dressed up in many years. Mainly because as I got bigger it wasn’t fun to do it anymore. I was also sick and when you live in a hotel, all your money goes to living in a hotel and being sick. But I am shrinking. I am almost back to my high school weight. In the picture above, I am in my prom dress (this is not a prom picture though, it is a Halloween picture with the car my Grandpa Bill gave my mom, that she gave me because she was too short to drive it). We are also very close to moving and we wont be spending all our money on rent anymore and I can start thinking about things like Halloween costumes again, I told Karen that we are going to be Raggedy Anne and Andy some year or maybe a Seattle Seahawk and a Football. She isn’t used to this idea because we have had to be so practical for so long, but the idea makes me smile.
Someone told me, this last week, that I like to worry about things. It is a trauma response. I didn’t have all I needed as a child. I saw a lot of pain. I am aware of trauma and pain. I hate it and I hate seeing people hurt. I don’t see that it is a bad thing to care about others and not want them to suffer. Jesus told us that when we fed the hungry or clothed the needy we were loving Him. When we were taking in the immigrant or helping someone that couldn’t help themself we were helping Him. I have been that person. I am that person sometimes. We all are.
Halloween is a favorite holiday to some because it is only about fun. I was explaining this to Karen. She doesn’t really care about this day either. I was telling her what Stephanie had explained to me when I asked her. There were no traditional meals, no gifts that had to be bought, no expectations but fun. People need this day because life can be hard, it can be traumatic, it can be less than what we need. What I am experiencing today is a renewed hope that can carry me farther than this day can take me and I am thankful. I hope you have some of this kind of feeling, not just for this day but for as many days as you can carry.
Shannon, I have no other way to reach you. I hope you have a Happy Halloween. We can’t be sisters or friends, but I do love you.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I always gave my father lots of chances. I did that for lots of reasons. One was that it was easy to communicate with him. I was a lot like him, in that I understood what set him off. It was easy to learn the boundaries. He had the same violent streak that I had. There was a sadness and an intensity in him that I understood. I could understand the need to stay busy and not hear the voice inside that said mean things to me. He needed the validation that hard work brought. He had made himself after being the scapegoat in an abusive family. He had earned every advantage he had. I understood why money was important to him, although I never agreed, because I knew that all the money in the world could never fix the hurt.
I have always watched people. I feel a lot. I didn’t always have the words I needed to define what I felt, but I learned who was safe and who wasn’t. I couldn’t always keep myself from dangerous people, but I knew who I didn’t want to be like. I could eventually know when I was being lied to. Being a person that was easily stimulated by lights, sounds and emotions, was super hard for me. I didn’t know that was what my problem was until I was in my 40’s, but it was very hard to visit my father’s family when I was a child. There were so many of them. The history of alcoholism and abuse, although was not overtly present, was still there and I didn’t have words for it because I had been protected fiercely by both my father and my mom. I often would hide in a quiet room when it got too much for me and my father would find me and drag me out to join the noise.
I didn’t like my Grandpa Clemenson. It is hard to say that because I know it will hurt several people, especially my aunt. But I didn’t like him. My aunt has lovely stories about him and I think it is because she was his favorite, or maybe she chooses to remember him that way. But my grandfather’s eyes scared me. They were never soft; they were always hard and piercing. He always barked orders. I don’t remember hearing please or thank you from him. I don’t remember seeing love in his eyes toward my father and that scared me, because as I child, my father, was Superman to me. The only conversation I really remember having with my grandfather was when I heard him refer to black people as niggers. I was about 8 to 10 years old and I got in his face and told him that God made all people and He loved everyone and that it was wrong to use that word. I vaguely remember my father standing close by, maybe to make sure he could protect me from his father. My aunt has told me that my grandfather didn’t trust my father. This makes me sad. Because I know that my father took more beatings than his siblings. My grandfather created the monster inside my father. I don’t think it is fair that he didn’t trust him.
I had a hard time learning my name as a child. It was long. Summer Clemenson was so hard to learn that I didn’t learn to spell my middle name, Deanne until I was in 4th grade.
I was an angry child and teenager. People told me things they should never have told a child and teenager. Mom, in her desperation to keep us afloat told me things. Ms. Colvin, in her attempt to abuse me and hurt my mother told me things. My father, for his many reasons told me things he should never have told me. My anger is much quieter now, but there is still some left. I have learned to not feed the violent part of me. I want to be gentle and peaceful.
But as a young woman, I hated my name. I saw it as my grandfather’s name. I resented him because I didn’t think he loved my father. I never thought he should love me, but I knew I was loved by my parents and I thought parents were supposed to love their kids. This was not because of anything anyone had told me but what I felt when I was around him. I also didn’t like him because of the way his hands wandered when I was forced to hug him. Luckily a conversation among my father, Ms. Colvin and all my siblings, eventually made the hugging stop.
When I was in my young 20’s I was so angry that I used another last name. I got bills to the name Summer Dae. I wrote under the name Anna Stourmie Somre Dae. For a few years I was considering changing my name. But I was also in therapy at that time, and as things do, we begin to accept ourselves and I began to learn to love myself. I had not caused a lot of the negative things that had happened around me to happen and at some point I accepted my name. It was mine. Not anyone else’s. Yes, it connected me to a lineage, but in my mind, it was mine.
I remember the stress my mom was in when she divorced my father. She had decided to keep my name. She kept it, not because it was my father’s name, but because it was the name of her children. There was a month that Ms. Colvin wrote out the child support check to my mother’s maiden name. What a mess that made at the bank. What stress that added to our home. We needed that money. Ms. Colvin would do anything to hurt us. It wasn’t just my mom she was hurting, it was the children of the man she was supposed to love. The children she refused to allow her husband to co-parent their 3 children, one who was very difficult and needed more attention. No…She can’t have my name. I am Mrs. Clemenson now.
I go by Summer D Clemenson because at some point I was aware that I have a distant cousin named Sommer and before she was married, we had such a similar name that I chose to add the D. But this also was in honor of my Nana. She really wanted me to be named Summer Dee after the actress, Sandra Dee, but my mom wanted to make my middle name a little like her name so I got Deanne.
When Karen G Clemenson and I got married we were going to leave our names alone. We had been single for a long time. She was almost 50 and I was almost 40. We had lived a long time with our names. For me, I also didn’t like the name Gidderon. And the struggle it had taken for me to finally accept the name I had been born with was just too much to let go of it. But after a few months of marriage, I asked her, what would we do if we ever adopted children. We couldn’t curse them with the name Gidderon-Clemenson or Clemenson-Gidderon. We had to pick a name. So Karen’s answer was to take mine. Her father had died already and mine was still alive. Her parents had not given her a middle name so her last name became her middle name and she took my last name. Grandma Clemenson asked her once why she took our name and Karen explained it to her and Grandma thought that was the most practical thing ever.
We were talking about it recently and the only other name I would have ever wanted to take was Henderson, which is my Grandpa Bill’s last name. We could have done that but it would have been an expense to change everything for both of us. I also think that it would have hurt Grandma Clemenson too much.
My father did not share his family with me very often. I don’t know why. He must have his reasons and I have made peace with that. But the time I had with my grandmother, let me know she was a strong and honorable woman. She was not perfect, but she worked to get better and she loved fiercely. You didn’t have to be blood to be family and you didn’t have to be family to be loved by her. She tried so hard to honor her children, even though she knows choices she made hurt them and for that she carried her sadness, but she also cherished their success. She remembered every name and birthday. She was thankful for every day she had, which taught me to appreciate getting old, because not everyone gets to. She wore the ugly scarves I made her as a child. I made one for her and for my grandfather and because they were too small, she wore both of them. I know she loved me.
So if anyone asks, I took Grandma’s name.
I know Ms. Colvin made Grandma cry and that is another reason I hate her. Another reason, Ms. Colvin can’t have my name.
Shannon be sure to share this article with anyone you want. You have my blessing. I am feeling more freedom from my pain but I am also wondering if by telling the truth if I am freeing myself from the secrets I was told to keep. Be careful with how you all respond, I haven’t told all the stories yet. But there are good stories too…
Ms. Colvin should not write anymore letters.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
This time of year is always hard on me. Most recently, this is the time of year I got my cancer diagnosis and had my last fight with my father when I told him that I had cancer, instead of letting him hear it through the grapevine. This is the anniversary of when I knew I had to make the break permanent with him. I know one of my siblings will make sure that certain people will see this blog. That is what they do. They enjoy the chaos and competition of our father’s house. And I am glad to let them have it. I think part of my problem is that I haven’t found a name I want to call them. I don’t know if I want to refer to my father by his full name or more casual and I am Mrs. Clemenson now. His second wife can’t have my name. The only person I share that name with is my wife; my one and only wife. I guess my father’s second wife can be Ms. Colvin.
I still have lots of feelings about having to let some of my family go, especially my father. I am his first born. He chose his second wife over me so many times. That last fight, I am sure, was instigated by her. It was an old topic. It was stupid. But it made me choose me, because I finally knew he was never going to.
For the first time, my choice was completely about me knowing I had to choose peace over the chaos that comes with his house. I have spent a lot of my life scared because of his house. The constant competition was something that was confusing at least. It is something I am newly mourning because I am realizing that the voice of my father’s second wife and my own mother have been confused in my mind throughout my life and I am sad because I know, now, that I have held my mother accountable for things she didn’t do.
Without the chaos of them, without the constant pressure of competition that one sibling brought back to our home, with our mom, my mom and I are finding an ability to communicate like we never had before. I remember watching my mother with her friends and even telling one of her friends that I wish I knew that Joanne, and her friend understood me. But now I am getting to know her and she is my mom, and I know she likes me. I never felt that before. She was too busy and stressed out before.
She keeps saying she was a bad mom. I don’t respond because I can’t change the tape in her head; I have tried. But I know she was the best mom she could be. She needed help. There is a reason why it takes two people to make a baby. Children need lots of support and they aren’t supposed to be raised by one person alone. I know my father left her with 3 kids. I know he had quit paying the mortgage months before he left. I know he controlled all the money and he put my mom down all the time, I heard the fights on the other side of my bedroom wall. I know he was unfaithful to his marriage to my mom and to our family. I know we were on public assistance while he was taking his second wife to Disneyland every year and complaining about $600 a month for child support. I know his second wife hated my Grandpa Bill and Nana because they saved us from her abuse.
I know Ms. Colvin continued to abuse my mother when she got the chance. Because she is a bad person. There are things I have done, throughout the time I was 9 through 39, when I allowed her in my life, she didn’t understand and when she asked me why I did those things, my answer was because my mom would have done this, or my nana would have done this. Because my mom was taught to be a good mom, by her mom, my nana.
The last time I communicated with my father was in a letter. I apologized to him for my response to him, bringing up a topic that was outdated and none of his business, when I had called to tell him I had cancer. My anger was not wrong, but my words were and I felt he deserved an apology for my disrespect. I also told him I no longer wanted to be his daughter. I didn’t want to be in his will. I want nothing from him. I want no contact from him. Because he and I communicate in similar language, I expected him to respect my wishes.
A week or so after my Grandpa Bill died, I got a letter from Ms. Colvin. I didn’t read the entire letter. It was terrible. I tore it up. I did not respond.
I spent so many years trying to be a friend to Ms. Colvin. I don’t need to list any of her sins. If you know her, you know her. I do believe she encourages the worst in my father and her narcissism has attached itself accordingly.
In this part of my life, I am grateful to know what is important to me more than ever. My peace and health are paramount. Understanding that I get to choose, even when I am depressed, I get to choose, is an important tool. I get to choose people that want the best for me, people that help me choose positivity, health and joy are important. Major Depressive Disorder isn’t a death sentence or a punishment, for some of us, it is just a state of being, that we have to work through. My father used to emotionally abuse me for the entire trip from Longview to Yakima and then be angry at me because I was depressed during our visit. What a creep. Of course I don’t want to be around him. No wonder I have PTSD.
There was a trip where I had had enough and when he pulled over to get gas, I told him I was done. I wanted to call my mom and have her come get me. I wasn’t going to be abused for the whole trip again. Things changed a bit. Between my father and I, things got better but it got worse between Ms. Colvin and I. Maybe things got better because he didn’t have to pay child support for me anymore…Because money is very important to him. They must have known this day would come. They must have known that I would find my voice and I would tell the truth.
By the way, to all the people that have been told otherwise, I have paid back every loan I have ever got from my father. The last one I even paid interest on, which he didn’t ask for. When he offered to give it back to me, I told him to never talk to me about it again, because Ms. Colvin had made sure to abuse me and my nephew at the same time via text message and it was a terrible experience. They are the reason for my phone phobia.
Truth is important. Some things are harder to heal than others and I am honest with God.
“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.” – Ephesians 5:8
I have forgiven a lot. But I have not forgotten. I still hate Ms. Colvin. My mom told me she likes the term “severe resentment.” That made me giggle a little because I know she was trying to help me feel better, when it means the same thing. I appreciate that she was not critical of me; that she understood that I talk with God about this a lot. That she knows that I am having trouble giving God my pain and not taking it back.
I’m telling my story not just for me, but for anyone else who needs to see what it looks like to learn how to choose life. It doesn’t look the same all the time. I have changed. My views and memories have changed, my hopes and aspirations and opinions have changed. There are things I have let go of and will let go of, as soon as I am able to because they don’t serve me. I am always changing. I don’t miss my father, his second wife and my two older sisters because in all their anger, nothing changes because nothing is forgiven.
I do ache for my nieces and nephews but maybe one day they will choose to remember their Auntie Summer. Not the quiet one that sat in the corner at family functions, but the one that played with them in their bedrooms and took them on adventures because that was the real me. The woman that is a good writer, a good speaker, a lover of people, even broken ones because I can empathize with people that hurt and have been left alone or hurt too much.
The people I left behind can’t possibly understand that I still love them and pray for them. That just because I don’t like them and know they are unhealthy for me, doesn’t mean I don’t want them to be happy and healthy. Mom and I were talking about that. I told her, I trust them all with God. He made them. He knows what they need and want. He can love them best because I can’t trust them…Especially you, Shannon.
I put a lot of thought into that last sentiment. I keep thinking of that time at the mall with Nana and Mom, when I was about 8 and you were about 4-years-old and you kept putting your head under that dressing doors to watch me change and no matter how I complained you kept tormenting me, until I stood on your head…You have always required me to go to extreme measures to get you to leave me alone.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have been triggered. I have made blanket statement about people without asking any questions to clarify. I have been unfair to people that were mourning someone I never knew and will never understand.
I know it is my responsibility to manage myself but sometimes it is hard for me to recognize that PTSD is in play. The trauma I experienced as a child at the hands of specific people was and is real. I say is, because they are still telling people lies about me to people that have never met me. They are still abusing other people that are connected to me. I still hear about it. Even though I have removed them from my life, other people have not made that choice so there is still an inlet for their abuse unless I choose to cut off the entire Clemenson family.
Although I have my own beliefs about the message of Charlie Kirk, I do not want anyone to be murdered. I have been more vocal than I think I should have been or would have been, if his message did not remind me of how I was raised: speak hate in one room but live pretty in public. I am sorry. In a normal situation I think I would have been quieter. This is not an excuse. This is an explanation.
Right now, I’m fighting to remind myself who I am and what my strengths are while dealing with the nightmares. I oftentimes choose the side of the underdog because that is who I relate to. I empathize with the people who are misunderstood and have had things stolen from them. I have always hated a double standard because there was always that kind of presence in my family, before I was able to have my own.
I am truly ashamed if I have pushed you too far. I am trying to talk to God, deal with myself and will be able to talk with my therapist on Monday. Your prayers and good thoughts are appreciated. Thank you.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
To whomever is passing information onto my father’s second wife about things I post on Facebook:
I have blocked her and anyone who might be connected to her, that I know of, in order to block her abuse. If you are helping her by sharing anything about me, you are abusing me.
I have told my father I no longer want to be his daughter and I want nothing from him. This is a huge and complete statement to make. His second wife needs to leave me alone. They have abused and neglected me emotionally for most of my life and I have the right to say: Here and no further.
If they feel defensive, they should have dealt with their demons and become better parents and treated their children better. I didn’t get the worst of it. Luckily, I didn’t live in their house.
I have given up many relationships by cutting them off. This was not easy.
Three things you may share with them:
It is a moot point to tell people that have never met me to not listen to my posts; you have stabbed so many family members in the back, we have already warned the newbies about you before you walked through their door. And they are surprised at our correctness. ~
Most real Clemensons are not perfect but always are trying to be better. They don’t tell people how to live because we know our imperfections and we appreciate hard work and honesty. My father and second wife have chosen to live with their demons and make everyone around them pay for them instead of seeking help. That is their choice but I must admit, I believe many times, they have been found guilty of behavior unbecoming of a Clemenson. See #1. ~
I still pray for my father and his second wife. I want them to be happy and healthy and receive their heart’s desires; just without me.
If you choose to be in relationship with my father or his second wife, that is your choice. Please keep them to yourself, and if they bring me up, please ask them to keep their stories to themselves because I have removed myself from their life. I do not visit, call or write to them ever. I have paid any money I owed them, with interest. I am done.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I stand before you with my words in honesty. I am a human. I am not perfect and I have confessed that to you. I confess my humanity before man and my Creator daily and as often as necessary. I have not lied.
I have had a certain amount of push back on my writing as of late. I appreciate this. How can I not? I am a Jesus Follower, but I am also a United States citizen, a woman, a fat woman, a disabled woman, a queer woman, an artist and I should know my place. But I am telling you as a true Jesus Follower, I know my place as a person that is one with Christ, who has been given many gifts and it my duty to use them. I am grateful and responsible to Christ first. Not you or your man made ideas or idols. Believe me, I want there to be only love in my words, but sometimes there is just truth.
I am praying for Charlie Kirk’s family and I am praying for children that go to schools that have and will suffer shootings. I am praying for immigrants that need asylum, for nations at war and ones that will be at war. I’m praying for mercy for us all because we don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it. I’m not perfect but God knows I will bring my burdens and failures before Him and we will sort them out and He will show me how to grow and let go of what is useless. I hope you can be this blessed.
For you that have made a man, that is not your Creator, your idol, or politics, or money, or your rights, or your power, or your beliefs, or anything bigger than your higher power, your idol, please consider repentance. Anything that comes between you and God is an idol and will be your downfall, our downfall. Because we are all connected.
So many people set this one man on a pedestal. Saying he was opening up communication, yet while he spoke many beautiful words, he also slid in many hateful words. Maybe not quite openly. These people forgave him quickly, saying, we all have a right to our opinions, but what he really was doing was sowing seeds of hate into soil that was ready made by years of oppression within our government and churches. Did he ever confess his sins to you, as I have?
Yet every person who has questioned me, was not willing to say I have a right to my opinion. Is it because as a christian woman, I should know my place?
I tell you, as a Jesus Follower, I know my place.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
My mother and I are getting to know each other again and she sent me a message, last night, that said she was hoping I would get free of my symptoms so we could go out again. Yesterday I was hit with a flare in the middle of the day, while out living life and had reached home, where I was trying to relax. I was also feeling a bit snarky. So I became very honest:
“You’re so funny. I never will get better. I live this way. I will be on steroids for the next week so it’s a little different because they make me sleep much more, I didn’t know that because I have tried to stay away from them. My doctor seemed surprised that they make me sleepy but everyone I have mentioned it to, that have taken them, has had the same experience.
I do what I want, regardless of how I feel, unless it is just a really bad day. You have to keep going. Chronic people are strong because we have to be. Many of us have seen death a few times and we know how valuable life is. Pain is just something to get over. Suffering is part of a life well lived. ❤️”
She didn’t respond. I’m sure she didn’t say anything because she doesn’t know what to say. It must be hard to hear her child, even though I am an adult, say these things.
It reminded me of a moment with one of my friends. She had stopped by to give me something. We were chatting in the parking lot and I was hurting. I wasn’t even thinking about it, but while we were talking, I was stretching certain parts of me. She finally mentioned that I was obviously in a lot of pain and she seemed surprised that I wasn’t even trying to hide it. It had never occurred to me hide it. I was talking to my friend and I live in chronic pain. These are two things I don’t have to hide. Myself from my friend or my pain from the world.
There is no shame in being in chronic pain or being chronically ill. God made me this way. I deal with it the best way I can but there is no reason to hide it and stretching is part of how I stay flexible and increase blood flow to joints and nerves that are screaming at me.
This is part of being honest. Something society has taught us to suppress. Our humanity is not wrong. How we choose to use it might be, but choosing healthy ways to handle pain, whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually is never wrong. It might be a shock to someone who has never seen it before, but I am ok with that. I am not here to try to change anyone but if I show you something that awakens something honest in you, I hope it helps you.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have never felt more confident in God or connected to Him in my life than I do now. Being brave is almost like breathing. Being who I am has never been less complicated than now. I don’t know what changed but I don’t feel like competing with anyone anymore, even myself. I do what I can with the effort I have energy for and I am grateful.
I have always known I was put on this earth for something special. I have known that I have been here before and I have a special task which is why I can ask God to teach me how to do something and I will have a dream about it and wake up with new knowledge. It has never occurred to me to not ask Him for the simplest of things, even in picking out a melon at the grocery store.
I will never forget a time I was at the store, right after church. I had just asked God which cantaloupe to buy and one had glowed so I put it in my cart. Someone from church saw me and asked me how to pick a good melon. I told her my method and she gave me the oddest look and walked away. I could not comprehend her response. We had both just left church.
But a few years later, when I was 20 years old, I finally heard God’s voice. He told me it was time to leave. He told me they had taught me all they could teach me. So I left. 10 or so years later, I visited. I had grown far beyond where I had been spiritually, but they were giving the same sermon I had heard back then. This church didn’t really encourage spiritual growth, they encouraged spiritual dependence, but not on God, on human dogma. Just like we see in our society and politics.
Our Creator made us to be curious, powerful and confident in Him. He empowered us to be successful in every situation. Society has put up walls to make us believe we are smaller than we are. If Jesus lives in us, we are priests and royalty, just like Him. We have to live up to that. He will help us if we are willing to live this way.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I am tired. Even my gynecological oncologist saw that in me. Since October of 2022 I have had an IUD and been on megestrol and had D&Cs every 3-6 months to treat and biopsy the cancer in the endometrial lining of my uterus. We had been doing this, hoping I could lose the weight I need to make a hysterectomy safer for me, but since megestrol causes weight gain, it has been impossible for me, even with the help of mounjaro, which I took for a year. So there came a point in the adventures in finding out you still might have cancer, that my doctor suggested we try radiation to kill the cancer and be done with it.
3 days after my one and only radiation treatment, I was in the hospital with blood clots in both lungs. Megestrol also causes blood clots. This was my second time almost dying. I will not take this drug anymore. So my doctor scheduled imaging. She wanted more information to help her make the next decision.
On August 12, 2025 at 3:45 pm I had an MRI. It was fine. I have learned to focus on the ceiling, if I can see it. For a few seconds, I could even see a tree outside the window. I try to see as far outside the tight fitting tube as possible. I could barely move but at least I could scratch my nose and touch my face when I felt a power surge on the left side. The energy of the MRI triggered my trigeminal neuralgia. After 40-some minutes I was exhausted. I counted to 20, I don’t know how many times. The triangle shaped pillow they put under my knees, was made for a smaller person than me so I had been holding up my right leg in one place for some time and I got a cramp. My back was killing me from the hard and very flat surface I had been laying on.
The pain was not any better the next week. The stress of the MRI had caused a fibromyalgia flare.
This is a post I made on Facebook on the morning after my PET scan on August 18, 2025
It took 4500 mg of liquid CBD for me to sleep through the night. It was extreme last night. I have never taken a dose over 2,250 mg before. I have a high pain threshold, which means it takes more to control my pain. I am used to taking enough to take the edge off. I only use cannabis and CBD products when I can’t sleep.
Most of the time I use doTERRA Deep Blue Stick to manage my pain and it just takes the edge off. If my pain is worse I just go to sleep. If I can’t sleep the above is my next tool. I can’t take Tylenol or Advil or other OTC meds without throwing up acid. I won’t take opioids, other than one or two days worth after a surgery, but I try to avoid that because I hate the side effects. I have been testing the Cannabis drops in order to know how to use them instead.
My body likes essential oils and hemp and cannabis in oil form, not smoking or vaping (I have tried). My body doesn’t like pain meds.
Thank God and my sweet friend for the CBD drops that are making sleep possible. I am waiting for them to kick in. I got a nap in earlier because of this stuff.
I have been under a lot of stress and my trigeminal neuralgia has been flaring up for a few days but is exponentially worse along with pain in all my joints and tendons since the PET scan today. I am wondering if it is from the radioactive solution they injected me with, since that is the only real difference from other imaging experiences. I think fibromyalgia does not like this stuff and is throwing a tantrum.
I feel like every part of me needs to pop but even if I can get it to pop, it doesn’t help. Stretching doesn’t help. More fluids doesn’t help. Even my eyeballs hurt. Hopefully this flare doesn’t last long.
The goal if the imaging was to see if we could find out if the one round of radiation had killed off the endometrial cancer. The night of August 26th, I could hardly sleep. I was so anxious to hear what my doctor had to say.
When Karen G Clemenson and I got there, I was happy to learn that I had lost 4 lbs since my last doctor appointment. Being off the megestrol was making it easier for me to lose weight, which is necessary for me to get the hysterectomy I need; especially due to where I carry my weight. The medical technician asked me about pain and I let her know that I had been suffering with severe burning pain in my vagina off and on, since I had had the radiation treatment. At that time, my pain was a 5. I had tried several things to help with the pain, but it was not going away.
When Dr Westhoff came in, she had me prepare for an exam. She was concerned about my pain. During the exam, she said that I looked healthy. Later I got results back that said everything was normal. At the time of the our meeting, she prescribed a low dose steroid suppository and told me to keep using coconut oil twice per day. Then it was time to talk about my imaging results.
What I had hoped for was not going to happen. My imaging results were inconclusive. They could not tell from the imaging whether I still had cancer or if the tissue was scar tissue from the many D&Cs I have had. Dr Dryer, my radiologist, wanted to stop with the brachytherapy and continue with radiation from the outside of my body. Dr Westhoff said that would make my abdomen more inflamed for further procedures. I personally did not think that radiation was a good experience and I don’t want to continue with it.
I want to continue to lose weight and have the hysterectomy. I feel this is the safest option for me. So in a few weeks I will see Dr Westhoff again. She wants to see how I am doing with weight loss and we will plan to put the IUD in so that we are doing something to control my hormones because I am refusing to take megestrol.
While I have been on this journey, my stomach has shrunk and I am eating smaller meals. I am focusing on getting more potassium in my meals because it is helping keep my trigeminal neuralgia under control and foods high in potassium like: avocados, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and sweet potatoes and yummy.
Tired really isn’t the word. And this isn’t the adventure I want to be having. But I am really thankful for the people God put beside me. I don’t know what I would do without Karen and Jamie Holloway and everyone that is praying for me.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have been writing my story over the years. I have written a lot about family drama in my life, I have dealt more with my mother than my father because I lived with her. She was easier to reach and to blame. Even though she wasn’t perfect, I always knew she was giving her all, with little to no support, to raise 3 very strong, independent and individual women. She did not have it easy. But she loved us. Always.
I tried to read The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and I had to stop. It was too much. Now I’m reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown and we are in a part of the book that describes the power of writing your story, what I have been doing for years. While reading this, I am proud of myself because my writing has become more of ownership than blame, however I am having dreams and visions of my father and his second wife; even if she is not in the view, she is present because she is in charge.
I know regardless of whether or not, they fell for each other on purpose, my father’s second wife, knew he was married with three young children when she met him. I can’t get over this. I have not been able to forgive this. True, my father is the one that promised before God and our family that he would be faithful to my mother and he is the one that broke that vow, and every vow he ever made to me before he left us. But any true respectable lady would have stayed away from a married man with children, at least until the divorce was final, and then she would have supported his relationship with his children, even if she hated their mother. But instead, she bedded him, moved him right in, and when they got married at the courthouse, they didn’t include us, but she told us that her relationship with my father and his relationship with her would be paramount to everything; and so it was. She looked me right in the eyes as she said it.
I tried so hard to be good enough but I never was. I have both witnessed and have heard of the unloving, abusive and sometimes illegal things my father and his second wife have done. They always show a good face and sometimes there was even some love felt but…What I came to realize is that the traumatic experiences they have lived with in their past, that they refuse to get help with, leaks out sometimes and makes them unsafe for people who have chosen a gentle life instead of one with rage and abuse. There is no other resolution than to walk away.
I was awakened the other day by my father’s voice saying my name. I checked with one of my siblings. He is well. I am glad and I still pray for him and even his second wife; but I don’t see a way for reconciliation.
I am responsible for leaving. It was my choice. I used to feel pain about it. But since I have been talking with my mom and my sister, I realize, even though I had to walk away to find me, I only had to stay away from the unhealthy relationships. My mom and sister and I are getting to know each other as grown ups and it is nice. I don’t think my father, his second wife, or even my other two siblings can let the past go, or let me be my true self without more abuse. I also know my limitations and maybe I can’t be my best self with them. It’s ok to let people go, in love. I still pray for them when they are on my heart. I want them to have their heart’s desires, just without me.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Karen G Clemenson talks a lot. If you know her, you may already know this. She comes and goes a lot too. With three jobs she runs in the door for a quick lunch, stops in to change clothes, turns in for dinner and might even change clothes again for another shift, all in one day sometimes. Usually, thankfully, she only works two jobs on the same day, but you get the idea. On her pit stops she downloads everything she has gone through, plans to go through, wants to go through and we might talk about world news or something we read about.
There are a lot of names and concerns she shares with me. She also likes to tell me, in great detail, exactly what she thinks is going to happen, up until she gets to come home. She talks fast because she is on a time crunch and she is super excited! At some point I can’t comprehend what she is dumping on me and it shows. She mistakenly thinks I don’t care.
It isn’t that I don’t care. I probably have not met any of these people; if I have, it has been very quick and not long enough to get them in my long term memory (my short term memory is terrible), or worse it has only been on Facebook which means I might know their name and about their family but I can’t pick them out in a crowd. Also she is talking like a teenage girl! Who can take all that in? It is too much information in too short of time, my brain can’t handle that much data. Plus she is always late and oftentimes something changes so I don’t need a play by play. Karen will be home when she is home.
In our house, I am slow and steady wins the race. My movements are measured because of chronic pain and I try to stay laid back because when you have anxiety disorder, you don’t need a trigger. I like calm. My wife thinks she likes calm, but she is a jack rabbit with one leg pounding until it is too tired to move and even in her sleep, it sometimes starts pounding. She needs my calm because she doesn’t need any criticism because the tapes in her head, that we haven’t been able to break yet, are more than enough. I guess that is some of why we work.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I left the church when I was 25 by accident, however, it turned into a purposeful walk with the Lord, where I learned amazing things. I had been so distracted in church, it was often hard to hear Him. Later, I had learned that I enjoyed my time with just Jesus, more than corporate religion. My accidental fellowship and my conversations with my believing friends was enough to sustain my need for fellowship, along with my relationship with my Savior. Eventually, I began visiting churches, however, many times, I was disgusted by the lust, pride, and greed that was easy to see at the churches I had visited, so I stayed in my lane.
Now I find myself ready for more fellowship. But in some of my attempts to find a church family, I was uncomfortable at non-affirming churches. Although I know God has never left or forsaken me, and He has ordained me, feeling the fear of others, makes me sad. This week I sent messages to 7 different churches, mostly nondenominational, because I am not a traditional person, and a few I have gone to in the past.
So far, I have heard back from 2 1/2…meaning one said they are definitely not affirming. One said they want to talk to me about it over coffee. And one church was super excited to invite Karen G Clemenson and I to their affirming church; First Christian Church of Longview’s service starts at 11 am, but coffee is served at 10:30.
It is super hot this weekend, so we plan to visit next weekend.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I recently have begun looking for old songs that have called to me throughout my life. I hummed a tune to Karen and she immediately began singing “Wade in the Water,” which, with a very small amount of research, I learned is an Underground Railroad Hymn. It was used to communicate how to travel from slavery to freedom.
“Wade in the water
Wade in the water, children
Wade in the water
God’s gonna trouble the water.”
These words tell people to make sure to stay off the path and get into the water because the slave hunter’s dogs couldn’t smell their scent when they went into the water and the rivers led to salvation. Wading also implies defiance. Unlike swimming or floating, you must push against the water and current to wade in the water; it is work to stay steady in the mud and rock and grasses.
Although my ancestors came from Europe and Canada, I have always seen a beauty and connection to Native American and Black culture. I feel connection with trees and tall grasses in the wind. I love to feel leaves, as though we are talking. Worshiping with Jerry Chapman, a local Native Pastor, showed me the beauty of drums and how we are all connected. In my 20’s I learned so many lessons about how I was made to understand more than one realm. Through nature God shows us that we are all one. Because He made the first man and breathed His breath into him and humanity was created.
I don’t need to read or listen to the news to know a catastrophe has happened. I can feel it. When I was a child, I would see things and have dreams that scared me. But as an adult, with the bible and more experienced teachers, I learned how to pray about these things, limit spiritual attack, and now I am learning to rest.
Recently someone sent me a short video of a white woman. Her message was that people make groups to divide us: Queer/Straight, Black/White, Disabled/Able-Bodied…and we just need to love everyone. Tee Hee (I am sorry that is what I heard in my head…and I know it is judgmental and not fair)
My problem with straight, white, healthy women telling me to just love everyone, is not that I don’t agree, or that I don’t think she might not be sincere, but she, or someone like her, has been saying something like that for a long time, while straight, white, healthy men keep making laws that make it harder for queer, or disabled, or people of color, or women to live their lives the way they want. God made free will for everyone, not just white men. I know not all white women support some of the terror in the world, not all white men are terrorist, and what I am saying might sound unfair. It is.
My black, queer, disabled family would like to invite you to research what other black families still are living with. Maybe read about what queer communities have to deal with. Have you read about some of the issues disabled people face? Yes we do need to love each other but we also need to know each other.
I think “Wade in the Water” is a universal song. We are still struggling and everyone struggles. We are all needing salvation.
“See those people dressed in red
Must be the children that Moses led.
Wade in the water
Wade in the water, children
Wade in the water
God’s gonna trouble the water.”
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I blocked someone today. I don’t block many people but I blocked this person because they keep sending me friend requests and the reason we are not friends, after 3 decades, is that they chose to break off our friendship. They had done this a number of times. They had also re-engaged with me when they missed me again because I allowed it.
Over many years I allowed a co-dependent relationship. I forgave being judged wrongly many times. I overlooked bad behavior. I carried them a lot. I failed a lot too because this relationship was toxic. Two mentally ill people can really make a mess with each other’s hearts and minds, even when they have good intentions.
There are many good memories between us but there is also pain and abuse.
A few years ago, as I was getting healthier, I was seeing some imbalances and wanted growth. I felt that I was carrying more than my share. When I brought this up, I expected a grownup conversation but that wasn’t what I got. This was to be our last conversation. It will remain our last conversation because I realized we did not want the same thing and that is ok.
It is ok to let people go that we can’t grow with. It’s okay to set boundaries for yourself. I pray for this person when they are on my heart and I always will but I am done being abused.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Healing is hard. I have said this before. Sometimes healing is harder than it has been before. Sometimes it takes us deeper than we have ever been before. Lower than we have wanted to go before. Lower than blue. The shade I call minor depression. Because I don’t just feel my own pain. I am susceptible to the world’s pain and even if I don’t look at it on my phone or TV or read it, I know the seething, shaking, and moaning that is inside me, is not just my own.
If I didn’t have God, if He wasn’t here to help me bear this and take it from me when I am ready to let it go, I don’t know how I would handle it because my go-to people have their own burdens. But even if the wars didn’t war and the fires didn’t burn and the weather didn’t tear down people’s homes, there is my body.
This body. I have learned that she needs love and never criticism, but sometimes it is hard. When she hurts, when she is hungry, when she has been fed. When she is tired, when she has slept and when she hasn’t. When I have to decide it is time to push her and then she bursts into tears.
I haven’t been writing off of Facebook for months now and I opened my laptop to find writing from May…half finished and notes in notebooks strewn on the desk from somewhere between then and now and the strong part of me wants to laugh and the part of me that has trouble reading my scribbles is still crying for the dead children in Gaza and Texas.
But this is who I am: A passionate profit that writes and prays, sings and sleeps, cooks and creates, dreams and does what she can every day…
So I will drink my water and try to find the rest of my notes and try to breathe because I am trying to put myself back together again because the dermatologist said the rash that healed last week, even though it took months to get in to to see her, was eczema, and I refuse to put steroid cream on my face, so I will keep using my oils, and my oncologist has scheduled my imaging for the 12th, and I hope to be closer to feeling like myself before we do brachytherapy, when I will probably fall apart again.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I don’t do a lot of cardio because too much causes my fibromyalgia to flare up. I especially have not been overly active this month because of the blood clot scare and having to take time to let my lungs, heart and liver heal, following this episode. I do, however, do an anaerobic workout most days. Anaerobic exercise is not cardio but focuses on strength training and stretching and over a long period of time I have built muscle. This is important because lean muscle mass burns fat.
It is also important because it makes me stronger. Even in the hospital, with blood clots, I surprised nurses and staff with my ability to help them, help me. It also came in handy yesterday
I don’t have as much endurance as I would like. I operate best at temperatures between 40-70 degrees. Any lower and my joints start to freeze up. Any higher and my joints feel better, but my body gets sick. Factor in that I am still healing from my blood clot episode and maybe even the one brachytherapy treatment (according to my oncologist) and it was 83 degrees while we waited for the tow truck, it was no shock to me that I could hear my blood pressure in my ears, which is usually perfect. Climbing into the tow truck was not something I could do without help.
But I am proud of Karen G Clemenson and I because we did it together. She has been lifting and she is stronger and I am stronger. I have also lost over 50 lbs. A few years ago when I needed help into the tow truck, it took both her and the tow truck driver, which was humiliating to me.
Even though I am still on the mend, I am going to add a few squats to my daily routine. Karen said 5 is a good place to start. I am hurting today so I agree, I don’t want to go too far, but I need to keep getting stronger and building my endurance. When you live with chronic pain you have to be patient with yourself but you make goals and see success.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I am so tired. Healing is hard. To quoteJamie Holloway, it is brutal, slow and exhausting. It takes time. It takes as long as it takes and no doctor can really know how long it will take you, especially if you are chronic because you already have things going on inside your body that count against you. When I post about what I am going through, I am sharing because I know that there are people reading my posts that are inspired. I am not trying to complain. I try hard not to complain. In fact there is a lot I don’t talk about, ever, even to myself. I might not even realize how much pain I am in, until I try to climb into bed and eventually have to get back up again to cover myself with Deep Blue Stick so enough of the edge will come down so I can fall asleep. (Learn more about Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils)
But I cried today when I spoke with my oncologist. She is excited to start back up with the radiation treatments. I asked her if it was safe, even though I still get out of breath easy and I feel like I am being pushed down. She told me it would be fine. I told her I was scared. I told her people think I am strong but it’s just an act right now. I don’t think I am ready to be brave yet. I just got to where I feel like I can stand. I have not really started walking like I normally do. She is excited about the injections we can switch to for my blood thinner while we do the radiation. She talked about Megestrol and wanting me back on it.
And I said no.
Megestrol causes blood clots. I am not back from where I was before my last episode. She agreed I almost died. She is the first person to admit that to me. I don’t understand why she would be excited to put me back on that drug. It has happened twice now. But besides that, I can feel full now. I am not hungry all the time. I feel the shape of my body changing and that is what I told her. I know I am losing weight because I don’t feel like I need to eat all the time. So now we are talking about putting the UTI back in. Both treatments were hormonal treatments to help kill the cancer, the UTI also stopped me from having periods and after not having them for 3 years, I remember why I hated them.
We decided to do more imaging. There is a chance the one brachytherapy killed most or all of my cancer. This also gives me more time to get my footing right.
My personal battle is just that, but really it is not the first thing on my mind, after I take care of my family. My heart is heavy because there is so much happening in the world, actually there is so much happening in the United States that I haven’t really focused outside of the US in a while. So many natural disasters where people are being misplaced. So many people being hurt by our government that is ignoring our rights. I knew our government was corrupt but it seems like a mirror has been placed in front of all our faces and no one is without sin. I am so exhausted by the sickness I see every day.
But I am aware of the pain outside our borders. I have family in the military. My heart and prayers are with them.
I choose God multiple times a day. My prayers are simple because I am overwhelmed and I hardly know what words to use, other than, “Please help me give this to You. Please help. Thank You that You are with them and You love us. Please give us more mercy and grace.” These are the things I say because I don’t what else to say. And I am thankful He knows my prayers before I say them. Amen
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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