They Only Saw A Fat Woman

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 21, 2025 | About Summer, Opinions

I just saw this video of a lovely woman crying because she was abused by ignorant people because they only saw a fat woman and decided she was at the store to buy all the Easter candy. She didn’t buy any candy at this trip. She bought shoes, but what she bought was irrelevant. The audacity of these strangers was astounding.

I have been fat all my life. Even when I was young and rode my bike everywhere and danced every day. I have worked hard to teach myself healthy eating habits and then adjust to food sensitivities that come with chronic illness. I workout everyday but my workout is modified for my body that is in chronic pain because if I do too much, I can’t function the next day. I have gone to orientation for bariatric surgery, where I learned what I already thought was true, this procedure was not something I am willing to do to my already sick body, no matter how many letters my doctor’s office or insurance company sends me. I was on Mounjaro for over a year, lived with horrible side effects, lost 50 lbs, and then it stopped working and when I learned I had gained 15 lbs back, I stopped taking it. Why do this to myself and spend this kind of money for no success? I have tried some supplements that seem to be helping without any side effects, but I have made peace with myself.

It is the monsters in the world that have nothing better to do than pick on people just living their lives that bother me. Last week I went to Walmart. We bought a storage container, my wife’s prescriptions and got our COVID vaccines. I was in a fibromyalgia flare. I was in pain so I probably had a bit of a limp. No one who doesn’t know me, doesn’t know that I have lost 65 lbs, they just see a fat woman with a limp. I couldn’t see them, because they were cowards, but I could hear the whale calls as we walked out the front door. I decided to keep walking. To just let it go and get home to rest because I didn’t feel good, but I really wanted to tell those stupid people that they are mean and thoughtless and for all the other fat people that stuff their feelings inside or go get some junk food and forget about it, because they don’t know how to deal with the pain of strangers’ abuse, they can shove their whale calls up their ass!

Karen G Clemenson and went home and probably took a nap, I don’t remember. I rarely eat for comfort anymore but I used to. But I would be lying if I didn’t feel some pain from those heartless people at the store, and I could totally empathize with the woman in the video I saw tonight.

I know fat people and it isn’t something we sit around talking about all the time, but sometimes it comes up. Teasing someone about their weight or even talking to them about what they are eating in front of other people doesn’t encourage anyone to change, in fact it makes them upset and encourages them to run to food because food is probably their coping mechanism. It was mine, sometimes it still is, even though my portions are smaller and healthier than they used to be. You might think that is funny but we all have something we rely on. Maybe you drink a beer or two or more, maybe you work a lot, maybe you garden or shop or cook or read or run…Whatever you have learned to rely on is what you need and until you can learn to replace it with something healthier (if it isn’t good for you) you are going to always run to it.

Many times my posts start out on Facebook in rough draft form. If people respond, I know it is a good topic. One viewpoint I don’t think about often is the other side. There are people that can’t gain weight. They suffer because when they get sick, they lose dangerous amounts of weight and if they fall they don’t have padding to protect their bones. One person mentioned their sibling that had the opposite problem that we shared. It helped remind me that, even though most people might not ridicule a very skinny person, or not in the same way, or as often, weight is an issue that we all face. Please teach your children to be kind. No one knows anyone’s situation until they do. I had a boss that had always been thin until she became chronically ill and the medication she had to take caused her to gain a lot of weight. She worked long hours. We were in retail, which is very physical work. She worked harder than any of us. She wasn’t stuffing herself with food. This story is common. When I see people. I assume nothing about them, because I know nothing about them.

Weight gain or weight loss can be caused by sickness, hormones, stress, abuse, genetics, medications, many reasons that might be out of control of people, as well as eating too much or not moving enough. But being mean, that is always a choice.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

She Is It

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 17, 2025 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving, Queer Community

I don’t think I could put in words how much I love, need and want Karen G Clemenson. She is it. As I grew up I had made lists of what I wanted in a partner. I have never taken choosing a partner lightly and I am not casual about sex at all. Karen is one of two people I have ever been with. She even helped me get over the first guy, promising he would come back, until I finally told her, I didn’t want him to come back.

I have loved 3 people in my life and there were about 10 years between each person. I was friends with each person first. My lists always changed as I had my heart was shattered. Because I love completely. I am so grateful that I am demisexual because I don’t have overwhelming sexual feelings that get in my way until I have bonded with someone emotionally, intellectually and have learned if they are worthy of my trust.

When I prayed to God and asked for a partner I was shocked that Karen was the one. I had been fighting my feelings for some time, to be honest. I was raised in a conservative family and conservative religion and being gay was wrong. However, I had also walked with God since I was 5 and I had an authentic relationship with God and there had been many things God had shown me, that I had been taught, that were wrong.

It was still 1 year after we were married, before I could verbalize that I was bisexual and demisexual. But I also knew that God knew that I was queer. He made me this way and He loved me and this very small part of who I am, is part of the calling He has for me. Nothing I have ever done or ever will do, will ever change how much He loves me or that the salvation He created for me is mine. He promised me that. I am supposed to love Him, let Him love me, and love my neighbor. He will fill in all the blanks.

Karen and I have this little joke. She asks me — Who loves you? — I always answer, with a smile on my face: Jesus.

The only competition Karen has is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. I do find other people attractive but I don’t want them. We talk about that. Neither of us wants anyone else. And even the most exquisite looking person can open their mouth and say a selfish, judgmental, or hateful thing and suddenly they are no longer interesting to me in any way.

I have had people try to use their religious beliefs to justify their fear that I am going to hell. I am sick of this. It just isn’t true. God created inclusion. The word “homosexuality” wasn’t even added to the bible until 1947 by white people that wanted to control the narrative. I do realize the bible I read, in its imperfection, was inspired by God, but edited by man. This doesn’t stop me from reading it, but I read it with Jesus and I ask questions and wait for answers.

Karen was the best gift God ever gave me. When I could not hide that I was sick anymore, she was there. I had never been taken care of before. I had been the one to serve. I am an artist and chronically ill. I don’t know what my body and mind will be like from day to day; I don’t often know what I will say until I say it. She is never intimidated by me, my body, my mind or my ideas. She loves the challenge and surprises. On earth, she is my rock and I am her’s. I don’t take this for granted.

On the flip side, she eats healthier, dresses better and has more organization in her life than she ever had on her own because once we were married, we both learned, we needed someone to take care of. Her blood pressure is normal, her weight is exactly what her doctor wants it to be and her muscle tone is impressive. Plus she has some pretty great aspirations that she would never have attempted if she didn’t have someone cheering her on. Who else is going to correct her when she says she is crazy and tell her she is just juggling a lot?

We make an amazing team. I thank God for her all the time. I can’t and don’t even want to imagine life without her. We have healed and grown so much in this relationship and I wish that the kind of love, trust, honesty and kindness we share was in all partnerships. If there was, there would probably be little to no divorce and less STIs and unwanted pregnancies too. Because when you have all you want in your relationship, you don’t have to look anywhere else and you make decisions together and you don’t do things to tear down the team.

I am a blessed woman.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Joshua the Drunken Parrot

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 16, 2025 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

My name has been on the title of 4 cars in my entire life. Joshua the drunken parrot has hung in the window of 3 of those cars. Joshua (pronounced Ho-sway) is an air freshener but he became a character and a memory that means a lot to me.

My first car was a 1976 Plymouth Gran Fury Brougham III. She was cream colored on the outside with cranberry pinstripes accents. The upholstery was cranberry brocade. She was beautiful. I called her Sadie. She was a sassy old lady. When she was finally warm, which took some time, she loved to cruise. I could comfortably fit 7 people in my car, in seat belts. I could also fit a few in the trunk when trying to slide a few extras into the drive-in. My friend’s Honda could fit in my trunk. I inherited this car because my grandpa gave it to my mom as a second car and I was the only person in the house tall enough to drive it. I don’t know why that car felt like a lady, but she did. Eventually I had to get rid of her. The repairs were too much and my landlord was threatening to tow it away so I gave her to someone that showed up with a tow truck.

My second car was a 1972 Buick Skylark. My family was the second owner of this car. My grandpa helped my mom buy it from our neighbor, who had been the first owner of the car. When mom bought the car, it had always been kept in the garage and had very few miles on it, since our neighbor, Joy, rarely went anywhere other than the grocery store and church in it. Mom was friends with a company that did upholstery work so she had new black carpet and grey upholstery put in, in exchange for haircuts and perms until it was paid off. Then her friend spent a weekend painting everything cream colored, inside the car black. She also got a new black vinyl top. She left the green paint. The car looked great. She bought the car when I was 14 years old. It was the car that all three of my siblings and I learned to drive on.

By the time mom gave this car to me, I was 25. The car had had lots of adventures and even caught on fire a few times but it had always started and always got us home, no matter how long it had sat. I had named it Gabriel when I was a teenager. He felt masculine and that was the only angel name I knew. Gabriel had a huge steering wheel. I could not buy a steering wheel cover for this car so I bought some giraffe print fabric and red sparkly ribbon and made my own. I bought a purple feather boa and some party favors for the back window and Joshua the drunk parrot air freshener, along with a disco ball to hang in the window.

I put a lot of money into repairing Gabriel. I had to have the frame welded back together (my mother likes to drive like a race car driver and she taught us all to drive that way). After paying that bill, I was more aware of not taking corners on two wheels anymore. I replaced every part under the hood. I always had car parts and stuff for trips to Willow Grove in the truck, plus a box with every fluid Gabriel might need and basic tools, because when you drive a classic car, that is what you do. As I became an auntie I enjoyed rockin’ out with my little people. They helped me come up with the story about Joshua the drunk parrot.

So the story is that Joshua is pretty special because Joshua is another name that Jesus might have been called. It was very common where Jesus was. Joshua wasn’t sure where he came from because he drank too much. Sometimes he was from Guatemala, sometimes Cuba, sometimes Mexico, but always in South America. We always offered him pretend root beer because he was a pretend bird, except Casey. Casey always gave him pretend beer because when Joshua got drunk he had super stinky farts and Casey thought that was funny. We always had fun making up stories about Joshua. I named the bird a name that might open up a Jesus conversation or cause a conversation about being careful about what you put in your body. Plus we got to laugh.

At some point Gabriel was getting really expensive to drive. I had to fill his tank with Chevron Supreme or he didn’t run right and he only got 8 miles to the gallon in town. He also just needed the engine rebuilt and I didn’t have the money for that. I wasn’t ready to let him go, but he wasn’t fitting my lifestyle anymore.

My friend’s mom had stopped driving and my friend chose to give me her mom’s car. This car was a 1986 Pontiac 6000 LE. She was brown and as I got to know her, she was a black disco queen named Paisley Star. So I bought some purple paisley fabric and made her a steering wheel cover. I bought some silk flowers for the back window and grabbed the disco ball and Joshua out of Gabriel to decorate the window of my new rig that offered more room for car seats and legroom for my crew.

Eventually I sold Gabriel. I was between jobs and I knew if I had the money to finish restoring him, I needed to get a fuel efficient car. My dream vehicle is actually a minivan. I have always wanted to be a foster mom. Gabriel was not made for a family.

When Karen G Clemenson and I got married, Paisley was starting to nickle and dime me. We could not afford two cars so we sold her. I hear the person that bought her was able to get her shined up and keep her going.

Now Joshua hangs in the window of Karen’s 2008 Dodge Caliber. My name is on the title but this car is Karen’s. I don’t know how to drive a stick and I don’t feel like learning on this old car. The car’s name is Thomasina. This car is nonbinary. I say that because sometimes Karen uses the pronouns he or she when she refers to them. I listen a lot and I know that most of Karen’s cars have been dudes. Karen never gave it much thought, until I pointed out to her that she uses both pronouns with this car. I find that interesting. Karen hung Joshua in the window because she knows what he represents to me.

Karen and I were watching Elton John and Brandi Carlisle on TV, the other night. I was having so many memories because I love music and that is something I shared with my nieces and nephews. I remember putting together a playlist for the car with the kids and we had to have Rocket Man and Crocodile Rock on that list. Then Brandi, who I have had no musical history with, sang You Without Me and I burst into tears.

I had to walk away from my family. I stayed as long as I did because I didn’t want to lose my relationships with my nephews and nieces. I knew what happened, would happen but I had to choose me. In her song, Brandi was talking about the moment when her kids proved they were independent humans and not an extension of her. It was beautiful. It was what I wanted to watch happen and enjoy for these wonderful humans that I got to love and who called me Auntie Summer.

I ache for these humans. I want to hug them and hear their plans and aspirations. I want to listen to their passions and get to know their partners, if they have them. I want to love on their babies, if they have them. I want to see what makes them happy now.

Loss is a part of life. I have has a lot of loss. I have had a lot of blessings too. As I dried my tears, I realized if I got the opportunity to see my nieces and nephews again, I would thank them. In the dynamic of my family, it was needed that I serve. Who I was and what I wanted and needed was always unimportant. I found myself in these amazing people. Traits that had not been appreciated or fostered in me, were loved in these children and even though that meant, what it meant for me and my place in the family, I finally understood, I wasn’t wrong or weird. These children helped me learn how to be strong for me. They saved me.

I loved them from the moment I knew about each one of them. I was overwhelmed by the amount of love I felt when I touched them for the first time. These young people taught me so much about myself, and I know that even though they haven’t chosen to be part of my life now, I made a difference in their lives because I listened to them and heard them. That made me a confusion to their parents. I knew a different version of their children because I saw them as their own person.

Joshua is a reminder of singing songs at the top of our lungs, laughing at pretend stinky gas, helping each other into car seats and making sure we put our toys away or brought our things in because Auntie Summer keeps her car tidy. These kids would probably understand why I don’t spend any time that I don’t have to in Auntie Karen’s car…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

The Fight Inside

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 10, 2025 | About Summer, Cancer, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

Nana never spoke about her cancer and I never asked her to. I wish I had. Maybe she would tell me what I am feeling is normal. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do, no matter how painful or humiliating and still the cancer lives inside me. I am a very modest person and I have had more strangers look at me naked in the last 3 years than I have in my entire life and I don’t even get the joy of being a mother. I knew I never would, even when I was young, but sometimes that pain feels new again. I know I am tired of the fight inside me.

Nana was a lady; very graceful and well-spoken. She taught me to be a lady, as well. I was often teased by my friends for some of my lady-like habits and called a snob for my vocabulary. Nana hated swearing. She said there were so many wonderful adverbs to choose from, why did people have to resort to such low speech? I remember, even my father’s second wife would tell me that she hated the look I got on my face when she swore, she felt judged. I don’t know what look she was talking about, but other people said the same thing. All I can say about my father’s second wife, is she is not a lady. In fact, after years in therapy and trying to make peace with not fitting in, I saw her flip off one of my relatives at a Christmas party and my thought came loud and clear: Why am I trying so hard? I don’t like these people and they don’t like me. I wouldn’t put this effort into strangers.

I can’t say I never swear, the fact still remains, I am the biological daughter of a sailor (Coast Guard) and my father was my preferred parent until he left us and between him and the kids at school, I learned a lot of ways to use words that Nana was not going to teach me, but I have to get pretty angry to use those words. But I am beyond even these words right now.

I am exhausted. The kind of tired that sleep can’t fix because when I do sleep, I have nightmares. I know it is stress. Considering radiation for my next cancer step has been difficult. It has been me, accepting that my body has failed the medication route. It is me accepting another, probably, painful treatment and more people looking at my naked body. It is me wondering if this will actually work and worrying about the side effects that the doctors can’t know about because I have fibromyalgia and she is a vindictive bear and she doesn’t like to be poked. It is me having sharp shooting pain in my face as my trigeminal neuralgia is triggered and stiff jaw joints as my TMJ joins in the party.

But is also the memories that are being unpacked that I don’t want to remember. My youngest sibling and my nephew are in town. They are helping my mother clean out her house. She is getting ready to sell her house and move out of state. My mother and I have made as much peace as we can. We know we love each other but we can’t have a relationship. We pray for each other. She emailed me and told me she would put my things in a storage unit and send the key to the gym so we could come get it. I thanked her. But my sibling started emailing me. I have had no contact with this sibling for years. The last time we communicated they told me to stop contacting their children.

All my siblings have said this to me.

Being an auntie was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me and those relationships were my most dear until I married Karen. I loved listening to the kids. I loved playing with them. I did not want to be their parent. I wanted to be their auntie. But my siblings felt like I wanted too much.

When my sibling wanted me to come to my mother’s house to unpack the garage that I had cleaned so many times over the years, where half of my things went into when we moved there because my new room was half the size of my old room, where I collected things to finally move out one day, even if I could have done it, I could not have done it with them there. I had always done everything alone. This sibling offered up my ability to see my nephew as a prize and it felt a punch in the stomach.

My nephew is a man now. He could choose to have a relationship with me if he wants to. I won’t have his parent be a go-between. I already gave all I could give to them when I helped to raise my siblings, and ALL that entails, and when I helped to take care of their babies, until they didn’t need me anymore and they told me to stay away from their children. As much as I love my nephew and cherish every moment I spent with him, I want a real relationship, not one build on manipulation. Even if that wasn’t the intent, that is what it felt like.

Manipulation is what I remember growing up. If I put up with a certain amount of abuse, I got a few new books. If I got my hair done, I owed a certain amount of chores, more than usual, even though I was on call 24/7 always. On the day my father and his second wife told us they got married (yes they didn’t even tell us they were getting married or invite us, even though they had lived together for a few years) his wife told us that their marriage would be more important than any of us kids. At least that statement was true. I always felt like I was being crushed. If I ever felt happy, there was always someone that knew how to take it away from me, so I learned to swallow myself.

My nieces and nephews were the only people in my family that I let see the real me. I let them see my joy, curiosity, love, mercy, compassion…anything good that was in me. I know that maybe that was hard for my siblings to see because that was not the Summer they ever got. They were raised by an angry, abused, absent Summer. They got the worst of me most of the time. I think my youngest sibling may have seen some of my goodness, but when they told me to stay away from their children, it had been probably years since they had seen anything good from me unless it was directed at their children.

Years later, I had always thought I had taken all the abuse, which is what I wanted, but after so much therapy, it became truth to me that that was probably not true, even though it looked like they had it easier, that doesn’t mean they were in a healthy environment. My siblings have their own traumas, even if they don’t remember them or have PTSD like I do. They might not mean to hurt me but they do. I had to choose myself at some point. And that point came when I was diagnosed with cancer.

I wish Nana and Grandpa were here. They always knew what to say. I was watching an interview of Pete Buttigieg on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert and it was so refreshing. Although Grandpa was a republican, Buttigieg being a democrat, doesn’t change the way he speaks from reminding me of Grandpa. He always pauses after a question to consider his words carefully and he uses beautiful words that mean tremendous things and when he has the opportunity to say something negative, he always takes the high road, while having a dry sense of humor. I know that many people, that are no longer in my life, might not agree with me, but I try to live my life in a way that emulates my favorite parts of Nana and Grandpa. People that do not bring out the best in me, or I don’t bring out the best in them, can’t be given much of my time because it is not healthy for either of us. This doesn’t mean I don’t have love for them, it actually means I am giving them the most love I have for them, by not abusing them or myself.

I know I can’t have a relationship with my parents. My father chose his second wife and I won’t have her in my life. I don’t think I can have my siblings in my life because I don’t think I can forgive them for removing their children from my life. I know they didn’t understand my relationship with their kids; they probably thought I wanted more than I actually did but I just wanted to love them and to be part of their life, to watch them grow and listen to what the kids had to say. I know my siblings didn’t like it when I told them what their kids actually wanted, but we come from a family where kids tend to be seen as extensions of the parents and not actually individuals and I didn’t want my siblings to make the same mistakes our parents made. My parents didn’t know me at all, if they did, they sure didn’t communicate it well to me, or they didn’t care. Neither did my siblings. In fact, I don’t know my siblings either.

I am curious about my nieces and nephews. They are all adults now. I assume they are busy with their own lives. Maybe some day they will Google me and reach out. I would love that.

Today, while I wrote this, I defrosted the freezer and cleaned out the microwave. As I washed the plate for the microwave, I thought of Nana because I wash dishes like she does. She often didn’t use a brush or wash cloth to wash just one dish, she just used her hands, scraping at hard spots with her finger nail. The other night I had a dream that Grandpa had set up a new game for one of my siblings and I to play. This particular sibling and I have no relationship. But while we played we were having a great time.I wondered why I would have a dream like that. After praying about it, I know that part of the reason we don’t get a long is that we are too alike, but also we didn’t get an opportunity to be playmates. Dad left too early and I had to become a grown up. Grandpa was letting us play in my dream and we were having fun. I am glad that Nana and Grandpa are still coaching.

If you want to watch that interview with Pete Buttigieg on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert:

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Cancer Update March 2025

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 8, 2025 | About Summer, Cancer

Tuesday I had an MRI. I have had lots of MRIs since my cancer diagnosis. I have had imaging at PeaceHealth St John, Longview Radiology, Legacy Salmon Creek, Legacy Mount Hood, Vancouver Clinic and now Good Samaritan Hospital in Portland and this one was the worst experiences ever. I am not saying this because of any fault of the medical team, they were wonderful, it was the equipment. Although I did stop counting the pokes at 8 for IV for the contrast dye. My veins are thin, deep and they roll. I have made sure to drink 3 liters of fluid everyday and I drank 1 liter and 24 oz before I went in Tuesday. It is all I can do to help. The specialists were busy so they kept trying…<

I have always got to wear my own clothes for MRIs. Not this time. They were focused on my uterus and unlike any other time I have had an MRI on my uterus, there was a nurse that came in to put some gel inside me to make my uterus more visible. This was uncomfortable and messy.

Eventually they decided to start the imaging until the specialist was available to get my IV in place. I’m as positive as I can be because I know if I make their job easier, I can be done and go home faster but I am a big woman with chronic pain and I am not going to lie. This MRI was a struggle.

When the specialists were available they were confident they would find a vein because they brought an ultrasound. They were successful but I swear they scraped my bone to do it. That was very painful; and I have an extremely high pain tolerance.

I didn’t want to go back in that tube. But I kept my breathing exercises going and my eyes shut and when I couldn’t stand it, I would look outside the tube to the ceiling and not think about the tube.

The sounds and shakes and quakes were different then I had experienced before. My body often answers quakes back with twitches but there was no room in the tube for that. So I kept breathing carefully.

I felt so beat up when I was done. I don’t usually let people help me, but this time I was in so much pain and I thought my back had frozen, so I did let the technician help me sit up. They kept complimenting me on how well I did, and telling me how most people can only do 10 minutes. But I knew if we stopped, we would just have to start over. They told me, most people don’t know that, but I do because I pay attention and my goal is always to find the best way to get done and not have to come back.

When I saw myself in the mirror, I kind of understood why they were so complimentary. I looked like I had been in battle. My hair was huge, my face was red, even the whites of my eyes were red.

The reason for the MRI was to be prepared for my consult with a Radiation Oncologist, which I had yesterday. My Gynecological Oncologist had referred me to him because it has been almost 3 years since I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and although it doesn’t seem to growing, it also won’t go away and my body is showing exhaustion from the treatments. I have always fought my weight and the drugs to treat this type of cancer cause weight gain and since I can’t get down to a weight that Dr Westhoff feels safe having me hang upside down for the procedure while they force air into my lungs and hope they don’t collapse, she really wants me to consider radiation and this particular doctor, at this hospital, has a procedure, she feels would work best for me.

Before I met Dr Dyer, I knew very little about radiation, but I was scared of it. My uterus is close to my hips, which already have damage from arthritis. I was scared that radiation could cause more damage to my hips, but Dr Dyer assured me that there was only a 1% chance of damage to my hips or my bladder or my bowel. I purposely am not willing to Google anything because I have anxiety disorder and I have freaked myself out online before and I am already scared. Dr Dyer appreciated this and he gave me a link to find the answers I needed to help me make an educated decision.

Types of Radiation Therapy:

External Beam Radiation Therapy – A large machine aims radiation at the cancer site through the skin and other tissue to reach the tumor. It is given in small doses, or fractions. It is given 5 days a week for 6 weeks.

Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy – Using many small beams of different strengths, focusing high doses of radiation at the tumor and smaller doses to the normal tissue around the tumor.

Stereotactic Body Radiotherapy – A highly specialized type of external beam radiation therapy used to treat cancer that has spread to the liver, lungs or bone. High doses of radiation are delivered to the metastatic site or sites using very precise beams. This type of therapy is usually delivered in 5 or fewer sessions.

Brachytherapy – A type of internal radiation therapy used for uterine cancer, where the radiation is put inside the body, either directly inside the tumor or close to it. This may be done several times to deliver a safe dose.

Side effects include:

skin irritation, tenderness and redness
fatigue
diarrhea
frequent urination or pain while eliminating
nausea

Most side effects decrease over time when treatment is over. There is a chance that long-term effects on fertility, sexual health and bowel and bladder function will arise.

Since I was diagnosed, I have had several D&C’s in order to do biopsies and to remove any obvious cancer. I have an IUD that delivers hormone therapy to me. I also take Megestrol twice a day. These treatments have kept my cancer in stage 1 but, the treatments have not killed the cancer. The goal, all along has been to have a hysterectomy but Megestrol also causes weight gain. I have always fought my weight so we also tried Mounjaro to help me lose weight. I did lose 50 lbs but then it stopped working, I was tired of the side effects and we just could not afford it anymore. $140 for a month, after insurance was too much. I stopped taking Mounjaro in January, and at my primary appointment with Dr Canada, on February 19, I found I had gained 15 lbs.

I was bummed about the weight gain so I had to realize that I hadn’t been diligent with getting enough fluids in daily. So I fixed that. I also started adding doTERRA MetaPWR oil to my water which tastes great and helps me drink more and not bloat up. I was still faithful to my daily workout. I had got lazy about portion sizes so I reigned that in a bit. I did some research and found that cinnamon was used during bible days to treat diabetes. I already take a tsp every day in my oatmeal and I think that might be why my a1c is 6.5, but I don’t think I can force myself to eat more, every day so I bought a supplement. My stomach is so sensitive and while I was researching something else, I found that ginger root is good for balancing the flora in our gut. I love ginger but I am not going to be able to find a way to get it in my diet every day, so I bought a supplement and since I began taking it, my stomach is so much more friendly to me. I already have a blend of oils I put on my abdomen nightly that has ginger oil in it, but the supplement has helped too. So even though I take a great probiotic/prebiotic, I am loving the ginger too! I also found a video that explained that if I took Camu Camu, Apple Cider Vinegar and Guarana supplements before I went to bed it should have the same affects as Mounjaro, without the side effects, which were brutal. I started taking those on Wednesday. When I weighed in yesterday, I found I had lost 4 lbs. I don’t know if the new supplements are working. The video said these supplements should show a loss of 2 lbs per day. I am always a cynic but even if it is just a placebo effect, I will take it.

Dr Westhoff, my gynecological oncologists, wants me down another 35 lbs before we do the hysterectomy, which is still the plan, even with radiation because she doesn’t want the cancer to be able to come back. With the cancer gone, I can stop taking the Megestrol, which causes weight gain. I can also stop taking Eliquis because Endometrial Cancer also causes blood clots, which I never had before I had cancer. So I can get rid of two expensive medications and have an easier time losing weight.

Dr Dyer was confident that Brachytherapy was the treatment that was going to be the most successful for me. It would be done while I was asleep. About 1 time per week for 5 weeks.

Although I am still scared, I think I am ready to move forward and choose radiation. I want to be done with cancer. I want to stop taking a few of my 15 prescriptions. I want to drop one of my 14 diagnoses.

Karen thought Dr Dyer was very thorough. She feels like radiation doesn’t seem to be super risky, according to what Dr Dyer said. Since I have one of the better cancers to get because it is easier to treat, she thinks that it is good to choose this treatment. We have goals for our future and getting rid of this cancer is a good choice. I think we are on the same page.

When I see Dr Dyer next, he will have to give me a pelvic exam. My images looked different than I have seen them before. My uterus has always been large. It is still large, but no one has ever shown me my vagina and cervix before. It is very narrow and curved. Dr Dyer said he needs to see if he can actually get in there to do what he needs to do. As most doctors do, they downplay pain. As a man, he has no idea what it feels like to have a pelvic exam and I didn’t really need to see a picture to know I am very narrow and curved, but it answered my questions. I told Karen she definitely must come with me because I intend to be stoned out of my mind and so she will have to speak for me. She smiled, and agreed she would. I never leave the house inebriated but I don’t want to remember my next appointment with Dr Dyer no matter how friendly or thorough he is.

Uterine Cancer Endometrial Cancer Uterine Sarcoma NCCN Guidelines For Patients by National Comprehensive Cancer Network, 2023

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My Jesus Story

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 20, 2025 | About Summer, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

I want to share my personal account with you about my God; the Father of Jesus. This is not something that I want to force you to read or make you feel anything negative about so if this is not your type of topic, I won’t be offended if you don’t read it, or you don’t believe me, but I have not copied any of this from anyone else. I don’t go to church, so I am not under the influence of any human doctrine. It is just my Jesus story.

I was raised in a family that believed in God. But it was kind of a fire and brimstone belief. That is not what I believe.

I have always spent a lot of time alone. One day, I was playing under the apple trees in my backyard; my favorite place to be. I was 5. I knew I was suddenly not alone. Jesus was with me. After that, unless I forgot, which is a very human thing to do, I was never alone. Although I didn’t always understand it, I went through phases where I would spend hours in the bible; especially the words in red.

Because my parents divorced when I was young and my father wasn’t around, my mother expected a lot out of me, since I was her oldest child. I didn’t know how to do most things that were expected of me but Jesus was My Friend. He taught me many things. My whole life, I have asked Jesus for help and I would either suddenly have a great idea or later I would have a dream and wake up knowing how to do something I had never done before.

I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church, with all its blessings and limitations. When I was 20 years old, I heard the voice of God, that still small voice, for the first time. God told me it was time to leave. This church had taught me all they could teach me.

I had never really rebelled as a teenager, like most kids do. I didn’t have time. I had a house, siblings, school and 3 part time jobs that I was responsible for. At 20, I was struggling and as I was starting to express some individuality and experiment with small amounts of alcohol, cannabis and hair color. The response was to shun me, not love me. But God knew me. God knew I would never enjoy anything beyond the hair color for very long. I enjoy sobriety. I am wired that way. God also knew I had gifts that I needed help with that needed a different kind of belief.

I found myself at a nondenominational church that was related to a vineyard church. I was drawn in by the couple with Mohawks near the door and the amazing music. I was intimidated by the groups of people speaking in tongues, or shaking and quaking but I loved watching the dancers and when I was almost ready to leave because this seemed to be too much, the pastor seemed to look me in the eye, from the pulpit, and say I belonged here and wasn’t it wonderful that God could be expressed in so many different ways, so freely?

I stayed there for 5 years learning things that were helpful. Things about the spiritual realm that I had experienced all my life, but could not put into words or didn’t know anyone that could help me understand before this. Some things were useful. Some things were not, but I learned to discern the difference, not from them, but from Jesus. He was still My Friend and Teacher.

When I was 25 years old I realized I was a 20 year old Christian but I felt like a toddler. I wanted to be fed, not just by the milk that the teachers at church gave, but the meat that the bible talks about. I had been failed by humans my whole life and I wanted God to prove The Word was true.

I told God I would not go to church or read the bible until it was proven to me. I don’t recommend this to everyone. It was a risky proposition. But God was faithful. I can’t prove it to anyone but me, but one by one, God proved that God was the author and finisher of my faith.

I visit churches now, but I have not found one that offers the relationship I have with God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Humans, even in their good intentions, mess things up. Politics and human nature can be our worst enemies.

I do read my bible though. Almost every day. I have read it all the way through, I don’t know how many times. Each time, I learn something new. I am encouraged. I learn more about, not only my God but myself. I learn to be objective and I learn to love.

I know that in the bible times there were many gods that were worshiped and many of them may have been aspects of My God because it was believed to even say Yahweh (the Hebrew name for God) was to own God and that was not accepted. Instead of being brave and choosing to follow one God, they broke God into pieces and worshiped God in parts. This is what made God so angry, although God did understand. That is why God had already planned to send Jesus, God’s Son, God in human form to the world so Jesus could relate to us and us to Him and He could give His life as the final sacrifice for all sin and the temples could become places of praise and worship, instead of the slaughter houses they actually were.

It has never occurred to me to learn much about other gods. This is only because no other god has ever chosen me. No other god has come to me and introduced me to themselves; they did not teach me anything, love me or help me in anyway. I am curious about other religions, only in the way that I want to respect other people and their beliefs.

Just as much as I want you to let me have my beliefs. I want to let you have yours. I hope we are both secure in ourselves and our beliefs that we can communicate in respect for each other and even learn from each other. It is my responsibility to love you and this responsibility is greater than any rights that any law a human can give me. If God has chosen you, God will change your mind.

This is my story and my truth.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Fighting My Body

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 28, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions

I have been fighting my body for years. The chronic illness and pain is exhausting. The one step forward and 10 steps backwards can be so defeating. It has taken 10 years for me to create and get to a place of success with my anaerobic workout; which means I can do it every day and still do what I need to do. From this workout I have gained muscle which supports my arthritic body and lets me do more things than I used to be able to do. Walking has been a challenge.

It is hard to fight with my hips and knees but I never gave up because I want a life that is more active than it is now. Losing 50 lbs has helped. I have got stuck in a plateau so last week I decided to try to push myself a little harder. My first longer walk left me almost unable to walk for 2 days but walked as much as I could.

I have to build up my lungs for my hysterectomy where I will be upside down for the procedure. Air will be forced into my lungs. If they are not strong enough, they could collapse and the procedure will have to end.

I have not been able to be on the floor for years. When my cat, Xavier, was dying, I had to get down to see if he was alive under the bed. I was glad to see his shiny eyes, but my knees were screaming. But I want to play with my nephews and be a foster mom. I need to keep losing weight and building more muscle to support my joints and ligaments.

I am so excited to say I walked every day last week, for even only 8 minutes, except Tuesday. I walked 22 minutes yesterday and 23 minutes today. My body seems to be accepting something I want and I am dumbfounded. She usually fights me so hard. Wow!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

It’s Time to Move

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 22, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions, Wellness

I bought into the WalkFit app. It’s on sale for $16 for the first month and $40 after that. You might wonder why I would do that when my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is one of the best personal trainers in Cowlitz County…well I am sensory person and there is just too much going on at a gym and I am truly very intrinsically motivated. I don’t usually need help. But I hate cardio. It’s time to move.

I have created several great wellness habits over the years, including an anaerobic workout that I do every day, but my nana was a very fit woman and still needed a triple bypass in her 50’s and even though scans show that my heart and arteries are all good, I still would like to avoid that situation. I would also like to be able to walk a 5K one day and return to Disneyland without help and right now I can’t honestly say my body is up for that.

I like that this app has several types of walking workouts, even indoor ones that are like light aerobic workouts. That is what sold it for me but I started with just a walk because I really haven’t walked much over the last month while I have suffered with a terrible migraine, my trigeminal neuralgia has been acting up and my TMJ has been giving me hell. I successfully walked for about 17 minutes without my cane or a shopping cart, which is how I usually get my walking in.

I have been considering this for some time but what really got me to actually move was my sister/friend, Jamie J Holloway. She has several severe mobility issues and is usually housebound and wheelchair bound. Sunday she had to go somewhere and couldn’t take her chair. I am so overwhelmingly proud of her. I know she is hurting Monday and super tired from all the walking with her walker. She had to stop a lot to catch her breath but she did it and she made it home. If she could do that, I could do this. I don’t think she realizes how much she inspires me. That’s why I post these things because we should all be proud of our accomplishments. We can inspire and influence each other to be better, like Jamie and Karen and so many others do for me.

Falling asleep was hard because my feet and knees were complaining but once the Deep Blue Stick took affect and I did my nightly feet exercises a few extra times I slept like a log. However today my hips are not happy. I spoke with Karen about it and she agreed that I should take it easy today. I still did my regular workout but my walking will be grocery shopping. I am still a person with two kinds of arthritis. I will walk tomorrow.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Tried to Call My Father Daddy Once

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 19, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions

I was a dad’s girl. I tried to call my father daddy once and we both gave each other a look. We both knew he wasn’t a daddy. It wasn’t that he didn’t love me. I knew he loved me. It was just that neither of us was overly cuddly. We were more logical. I was in grade school and there were girls that called their dads by that name and I was trying it out. It was not natural. I didn’t do it again.

If Dad was available I would be by his side. I am sure I tried his patience a lot, but I did learn to work because that was what my dad liked to do. We worked in the yard. We worked on the cars and on the bikes. We built a shed. We worked in the garden. I wasn’t allowed to prune the trees or anything dangerous but I liked being with my dad. He thought more like me. Most of my questions didn’t overwhelm him. He was usually the most stable parent. If he got upset, there was always a reason; you knew to obey him and never do certain things.

My mom was different. Her mental illness made her different. I never really knew which mom I was going to run into. She was very emotional. She wanted a daughter that wanted to be coddled and I wasn’t that way. She had an easier time with my younger siblings.

My life seemed perfect until I was 5 years old. There is a definite line in my life that started there. My great-grandmother died. I called her Grammy. She was my favorite person. Jesus introduced Himself to me when I was playing under the apple trees in the backyard. I was by myself so there aren’t any witnesses but I will never forget that day and how I never really felt alone again. I also think that was the year that my parent’s marriage really began to fall apart.

My dad left when I was 9 years old. He had made promises to me about when I became a woman. He said he would still be there for me. But he lied.

He lied a lot.

He not only lied but he left me holding the bag. I now had all his responsibilities. He really did expect me to take care of my siblings and the house. He expected me to be happy when I came to visit him even though he emotionally abused me the entire car ride to his place where I had to be respectful of his girlfriend and eventual wife. I hated her. I am positive it was mutual.

Not one promise my father made to me, growing up, ever came true.

I tried to make friends with his wife, when I was a young adult, but she didn’t want that. It didn’t fit in with what she wanted. I was supposed to be the scapegoat.

In my young 20’s, I was in therapy and trying to become whole. It was hard because I didn’t know how to leave the abuse that we were all used to. But when I got married, I left and I finally had someone that asked me to not let them hurt me anymore. After several therapists had suggested I leave them behind, I told them I needed a break. It was supposed to be a break.

But my siblings cut me off. They tallied up anything they ever hated about me and rallied against me and anytime I tried to talk to my father he would tell me about them. I was so confused. He had always said that when we were adults, his job was done. If that was true than these things were none of his business. Why was he talking to me about things they should be talking to me about, but weren’t? Why was he yelling me about this? Why was I being abused still?

When I got cancer I didn’t want my parents to hear it from anyone but me. I felt like I should respect them at least that much. I had told my friends first but that had been in a text. I hadn’t actually said it out loud yet. I had heard it at the doctor’s office with my wife and texted my friends. This was a mistake. I called my mom first but she didn’t answer. So Dad got the message first and I broke down. While I was crying he was telling me about the problems with my damn siblings and their adult kids again. What the hell!

The call ended up with me calling my father a son of a bitch. A few weeks later I sent him a letter asking for forgiveness for my response to him. I don’t believe he deserves to be spoken to like that. But I also see how he brings out the worst in me. I told him I had to be done. I told him I didn’t want to be his daughter anymore. I didn’t want anything from him ever again. I loved him and I pray for him but I had to be done.

I know he didn’t understand this letter. I know he didn’t understand the level of pain I was in to make these statements; that after years of begging for respect and love and better communication, I was removing myself from his flock. Even though I see myself as the most like him and I understand why he does what he does, I have to protect myself. I have forgiven him but I had to leave.

His wife expects me to come back because she usually gets what she wants. She has written to me in his name. I know my father knows me. He knows when I say I am done that I really mean it. I know it was her that wrote the letter that I received the week after my grandpa died, knowing I would be hurting. She really expected me to want reconciliation and she really expected me to apologize but I don’t have anything to apologize for. I am not sorry.

I have repented to God for the pain that my healing has caused. I know that my telling my stories has caused pain because my growth and honesty hurts my fixed mindset extended family members that need to keep their secrets. It is healthy and necessary for me to tell my stories and I also know that there are people that read my stories and they are empowered by them and I want them to be. I am not so special that my stories can’t help someone just as they help me to heal.

I have been told that because I tell my stories I have betrayed my extended family members. That is the trouble with family abuse and traumas that are never dealt with until someone says; here and no further. Because my family has refused to get help with their traumas, which are there. Because they are there, they have perpetuated a system of pain. They could be proud of me. They could see that I am brave and honest. They could see that I have learned a lot of positive tools to deal with the things my brain and body lie to me about and they could join me in getting well. They have not chosen to change. They have that right.

There is a difference between forgiveness and repentance. When we repent we recognize we have made an error and we try our hardest to never do it again. I know this is next to impossible from my fixed mindset family. But it is not impossible for God to do anything. If God wants reconciliation He will make it happen. He knows what I need and what we all need. I trust Him.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Growing Pains

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 13, 2024 | About Summer, Cancer, Opinions, Queer Community

I am watching SEAL Team. It’s a rerun; the one where Jason’s wife is killed by a drunk driver. But this episode is not about Alana, it is totally about Jason. I am amazed to watch Jason’s entire team stop everything to support him. He is their leader but he is in need and they are there for him. They know he can handle war, but not this.

The stressful extended family dreams have made sleep frustrated lately. Every night I pray for them. I ask God to help me forgive them, in case I have missed something. I want them to to be happy. I want them to blessed. I want to be free.

This latest D&C has left me in pain. More than the others. I was told by someone that every time I go through these, there is scar tissue that gets re-traumatized. My oncologist said she was going to cut deeper this time to try to remove all the cancer. It is no wonder I hurt.

I asked for a second day of oxycontin. I have never done that before. I have to admit, I have considered asking for more but what if those pills are instigating some of the bad dreams? I need to get away from being alone, not being loved, heard, seen or valued.

I know it isn’t fair to say I wasn’t loved. I wasn’t loved in a way that felt good. I was needed. I was expected to hold things together. I was required to accept daily abuse and forgive. I was the one who served, regardless of my needs and wants. I was only supported if the other parent was at fault.

It should have got better when we became adults, but it didn’t. I was still at fault, not good enough, only there if I was to serve. No one chose to know me, hear me, or actually love me. I didn’t trust anyone because most people that said they loved me was a liar. They gossiped about me, rejected me and either lied about me or believed lies about me but never spoke to me. I was good enough to care for their babies until they were self-sufficient or their dog but I wasn’t good enough to invite to their day trips to the beach, or visits, school programs or even over for dinner. I wasn’t like them.

I can’t say I miss them. Who wants to drive four hours to be ignored? I miss the idea of the family I always wanted to love me but I am coming to peace with this.

I am definitely not a SEAL Team Member but I had seen people in my family support each other. I personally didn’t know what that felt like after my father left. I was told all my life that because I was fat I would never marry, have a good job and I would probably die young. Every ache and pain was blamed on my weight. When I went to the doctor, I don’t remember what they said but I do know that my parent would tell everyone what they knew. I had no privacy. I stopped going to the doctor.

When I was 25-years-old I started having medical issues but it was hard for me because I was so confused by how I had been raised. Also this was during the 1990’s when psychiatrists were over-prescribing medications and it was not helping me at all. This ended up being an even bigger mess and I still didn’t know I was an abuse victim, although I had kept working with a therapist.

When I was 35-years-old, it finally occurred to me to ask myself what I wanted out of life. I was so used to being told what to do and who to be. Anything I wanted that didn’t align to what my parents wanted was stupid. At this time, all I knew was that I wanted my family to love me.

Three years later, I got really sick. I had just worked with Living Ministries, our nonprofit, on a 24 hour telethon called Christmas Joy Telethon and I got the flu. I hadn’t told anyone that I had a sore on my left leg for 8 years. But this flu caused that sore to take over my leg. I knew I needed to go to the hospital but I wasn’t ready, mentally to go.

My family loves me by bullying me. My youngest sibling brought my nephew over to guilt trip me into going to the hospital. I was so angry. He and I have always had a special bond and I hated that his parent would put their child in this position. I promised him that I had a plan to go, I just needed time to be emotionally ready. I also apologized to him for what the family was doing to him. Of course the family that is closed-minded and doesn’t care what I think, did not care what I wanted, so they called the police and told them I was suicidal.

Soon I had a police officer banging on my locked bedroom door, demanding I come out. They didn’t know my name. They didn’t know anything other than I lived in my mother’s house and the family had decided I wanted to kill myself. I knew if I went with them, I would not get medical treatment. I would be taken to the behavioral sciences floor at PeaceHealth St John and probably isolated. This is not what I needed and I didn’t want this on my record.

God told me to stay calm. So I did.

My brother-in-law was preparing to break the door down. I calmly asked him to not break my mother’s house. Thankfully, he stopped.

I told the police officers, I would not let them in my room but I would open the door. I told them who I was and what was going on. When they heard about the telethon fundraiser for The Salvation Army, they relaxed. They did get me to let Karen G Clemenson in the room and one paramedic. The paramedic had already spoken with Karen. He agreed, when he saw the plain Greek yogurt and steamed broccoli that I was trying to eat that I was probably really concerned about my health and not wanting to die. He took my vitals and although they were a little high, they were not outrageous and the stress of being sick and the situation was a good reason for them being elevated.

I told him I planned to go to Legacy Salmon Creek in a couple of days. I was not interested in going to PeaceHealth St John. The paramedic said that was acceptable but if he was called back he would have to take me against my will. My leg was very swollen. I told him that he would not need to be called.

After I came home from the hospital, I think I felt a bit like Jason after his wife died. Alana had been the one to keep his life at home in control while he was away on special operations all over the world. I had been forced to let go of a lot of the walls I had built around myself to be able to ask for help. That part of me that took care of everyone and took the neglect and abuse didn’t want to do that anymore. I held on for as long as I could because I knew if I made a change, my nieces and nephews could be taken away from me. They were the only ones I had real relationships with. But at some point I had to take care of me. When I told my parents I had to take a break from them, my siblings chose my parents and took their kids with them; just as I expected.

I don’t have a large team. I have my wife, my sister/friend, Jamie Holloway, and one aunt that checks in with me. But I know my team has my back. I have spent the last 10 years learning how to listen to myself, love myself and be who I was created to be. Although I have told my parents I can’t have them in my life until they see therapists, so at least I know they are trying to be better, I doubt that will happen. Their traumas run deep. It is scary to admit the way you have lived all your life is not healthy and work to change it. I know. I have done it and I continue to do it. It is so much easier to say: This is who I am and if you don’t like it, leave — and that is what I did.

There came a day where I realized that one of my siblings had always been emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to me. My parents never protected me. This was their golden child. This sibling has paid greatly for their position, in my opinion. From the outside, they have a great life but they are miserable. So material things and manipulation have made them golden and I have no interest in competing.

It may sound like I resent this sibling, but I don’t. They have done what they need to do to survive. To be successful in a fixed mindset way. They have followed all the rules. Did everything as society told them and they look good. Most of the people I am related to are fixed mindset people.

I am a growth mindset person. I believe I can change and I can become what I want. However, convention had never interested me. I was not able to find success the way the rest of my family was. Probably a lot of that had to do with the chronic illness I live with. That as I learn to live with, I get better, however I have done it without them. When my youngest sibling was diagnosed with MS, we all did a 5K walk to support them. No one cares what I live with.

The siblings did reach out when I told my parents I have cancer. I will give them that. But it had been years with no communication. I just have nothing for them. I can’t carry any of them anymore and I don’t trust them. I have been talked about and set up too many times. I don’t want one more angry phone call, text or letter because they decided I am a monster when I am not, I’m just not the golden child.

There is a scene in this episode of SEAL Team, when Jason breaks all the beer bottles and then beats up the fridge and the garbage can until they are all dented. I can relate to his rage. Even though he scared his kids and he admitted he should not have done it, sometimes you have to let the anger out. Sometimes I have used my writing to vent, but even now, I don’t believe I am doing that. I have told some of these stories before, but not all of the details. I think I needed to share them. I needed to share that I am a reasonable person that has been treated unreasonably.

I can’t go back to how things used to be. I won’t hide my queerness to make one parent happy. I won’t let the other parent judge me when they are not without their own sin. I won’t compete with siblings that were raised by traumatized parents that didn’t have the emotional strength to handle 4 children so they forced us to compete for attention and other necessities.

After these last 10 years, I am used to being loved extravagantly by God and Karen and I don’t want any form of counterfeit. I am beautifully and wonderfully made by God and He has never left me or been shocked by me. He thinks that way about you too. I have my story. You have yours. God does not change.

I can’t worry about why my extended family thinks I wrote about them. Unfortunately, just because they ignored me and rejected me regularly, I was still there. This is my life I am writing about. I loved them. I gave to them because I wanted everything to be good. I sacrificed so much. There were teachers that would have helped me find a new home if I would have asked, but I knew I was needed at home while one parent worked and the other was off making a new family and was never there.

I knew mental illness was in my house but to this day there are working United States citizens that can’t afford health insurance so they don’t get the help they need and this is disgusting. A healthy workforce can pay more taxes and buy most stuff, let alone raise healthier children that will grow up and do the same. This makes so much sense to me as a former child of a single parent.

I was raised in a time when we didn’t know that kids could have chronic migraines. Fibromyalgia is still relatively new. Neurodivergence—OMG! How could my parents even deal with my anxiety disorder and depression when one was living with their own untreated mental illness and the other doesn’t believe mental illness is real?

Do you see how I had some short-comings? I have overcome so much! I understand how these things were missed. I am so thankful I know about what is going on inside my body now and I have a medical team that is helping me. They even agree that my wight is not my number one issue — however we now know that I have always been insulin resistant, even before I was diabetic, so diet, exercise and medicine are working for me.

In some ways, I feel sorry for my extended family because I am getting so much better, smarter, kinder, more patient and overall more interesting and compassionate. But I can’t share this with them because life is what it is and people make their own choices. I don’t come from people that forgive; themselves or anyone else. They seem to think I owe them apologies, but you don’t ask children to apologize for crying when they have growing pains and what I have done is just make space for me to grow.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Forgiveness is the Best Gift Ever

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 29, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions

Rumination is probably my best unconscious sport. I bet if I went to the Olympics I could bring home a gold metal for ruminating. I don’t mean to. I have OCD and PTSD and Anxiety Disorder and between those three disorders sometimes I am stuck in the past, trying to fix the outcome of events or I am stuck in the future worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. I don’t always realized I am doing this until I notice that my muscles are tensing and I am feeling angry or frustrated. Lucky for me, God is always with me and God loves the people I am fixated on, more than I ever could. As soon as I realize where I am at, I pray for the people in my mind and ask God to forgive me, and them, and to bless us both with a good night’s sleep, and I agree with whatever God is doing in their lives that brings God pleasure. Forgiveness is the best gift ever!

This week the opening act for the Olympics gave us a perfect opportunity to see where asking questions and being slow to anger is necessary. I don’t know Greek history but I do know the bible. When people were posting their half screen shots of the performance of the celebration of the Greek gods beside the painting of the Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci with angry comments poised at France and the performers, it was short-sighted. One, the celebration of the Greek gods was not the same thing as the Last Supper in the bible. Two, the painting by Leonardo da Vinci, although is attractive and a show of great talent, is incorrect as well because Jesus and His disciples are Jewish and not white. Their skin should be brown and their hair would never be blonde. Three, before we spend our energy getting angry at things we don’t understand, we should always ask questions and pray before we accuse anyone. This scenario is the perfect place where forgiveness and mercy are necessary.

When I was growing up I didn’t like my grandpa Clemenson. I had several reasons. Some of them were probably based in my neurodivergence, which we didn’t know about. I am sensitive to energy and noises. My grandfather had a powerful authoritarian energy that didn’t do anything for my relationship and success motivated personality (but I only like to compete with myself). He also had a very loud voice and made loud noises that startled me. He made me nervous. I also didn’t like hugging him because of where he would put his hands. I was angry that I knew that my father had been abused as a child by both his parents and was, in fact, the scape goat and endured more abuse than most of his 8 siblings and finally moved out when he was 14 years old. I know that things changed after my grandfather stopped drinking. It was easier to forgive my grandmother because she was always caring for everyone. It was easier to see that she loved my father. When my grandfather died, I read his obituary and he did some amazing things. There were many things to respect about my grandfather. He was a very hard worker. He married my grandmother when she was pregnant and raised another man’s child, as his own. My grandparents helped a lot of the neighborhood children with housing, clothes and food. My grandparents were married for almost 50 years; he died before their anniversary. These are all honorable things. I have also learned many things from my Aunt Elaine. She has many great stories about him, where he was kind and gentle, that I would never have known about.

I am writing about this because I was surprised to have him come visit me in a dream last week. I am used to Grammy and Grandma Clemenson and Nana coming to see me, but I have never had Grandpa Clemenson come to see me ever, until last week. He was young, like in some of the pictures Aunt Elaine has shown me, he was slim and had hair. He was softer and calmer too. I don’t remember exactly what he said but it was something like: You don’t know the whole story. You only know your side of my story and your dad’s story. I felt like he was trying to tell me about my dad.

I feared and disliked my grandfather so much that I went by a made up last name in my 20’s. It took me a long time to forgive and let go of things I can probably never completely understand. But I did. With the help of God and therapy, I was able to begin to accept healing for myself and even my ancestors. My grandfather coming to see me was a reminder of how far I have come. I am thankful for that dream. It is nice to have a non stressful moment with my grandfather.

I also know that there are things I will never know about my father. I have forgiven him for a lot. I don’t see us changing though. I have tried so hard to have him in my life, but his traumas are still right on his sleeve. I don’t require perfection but I do require attempts and he will not see a therapist. We are wired the same and I think we could build a relationship because we really can, not talk about topics that trigger us but his wife won’t let that happen. Now that I am married, I understand that I can’t ask him to leave her behind, if he were to come for a visit. She will still be there. I can’t have her in my life.

Forgiveness sets us free from the past. It lets us move forward but that doesn’t mean we can go back. Mercy is for moving forward. The difference between artistic expression on the television and family is that one is for a moment and we can turn it off or walk out of the room and make a cup of tea while it plays out. It is easy to ask questions for clarification and within a few days people will answer all your questions. You don’t have to spend one second being angry or having any feelings that are a waste of time. When people we love hurt us, it is a bigger situation, especially if they keep doing it over and over and you have tried to peacefully make it stop and that hasn’t worked. But in reality the response is the same. When we feel wronged, we must forgive. Forgiveness is definitely the best gift ever. And when we are beat up and tired and don’t know how to get up and keep going, that is when mercy comes in and shows us that we are not alone and we don’t even have to get up on our own. That is God.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Sometimes Yesterday Is Right Now

by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 18, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving, Queer Community, Wellness

I got triggered by Father’s Day. I didn’t realize it was Father’s Day before I went on Facebook and saw all the great posts everyone had for their dads. I write about my journey to celebrate my steps and share what I have learned with others that might benefit from my path. I have PTSD and sometimes yesterday is right now but I have new tools.

The episode didn’t actually start on Sunday but had started earlier. Pride usually reminds me of several things that make me feel loss and I work through them. I assume that most of my extended family doesn’t even realize how their actions have affected me and how my mind has created connections through Pride Month; it only makes sense to me and isn’t even fair to include them so I forgive because it isn’t anything they actually did. But the tenderness was already there when I saw the pictures of women with their dads, dancing, fishing, doing puzzles, gardening, cooking or any other relationship building activity.

The most recent reason my extended family is not in my life is that when I needed answers, no one could give me answers that made me feel peace, joy, safety and loved so I left them behind me. I never had success when I was around them so I needed to leave them. Love was not enough. It is my fault I am not in their lives. It was my choice. I do not choose to bad mouth them. They are successful with each other. I was the one that didn’t fit. I found other people that had no problem with my needs.

This truth does not erase my history. I still have PTSD. Once I realized that the emotions I was feeling were not reliable or even recent, I needed to listen to them before they leaked out on an innocent bystander. By the time I was really aware of them they were a big red ball of emotions, mostly anger and hatred toward two people. I have forgiven them so many times. These things are old. I was sitting with God, knowing that I had already forgiven these things. I knew I didn’t hold this against them anymore. My goal was peace. So I began reminding myself of what is true today: They are just people. They are not perfect. They have their own traumas. They have done the best they could. They don’t benefit from my anger and hatred.

I felt the ball of emotions begin to shift as I reminded myself that I don’t want this. I don’t benefit from these emotions anymore. I want them to do well. I want them to be blessed. I want them to have a good life. I want God to love them.

I am going to be honest. I don’t like one of them. It took me almost 30 years to be honest with myself that I hated them. I had to say that so I could forgive myself for that hatred. I don’t hate them anymore but I don’t trust them and I don’t like them and I refuse to have them in my life. It is hard to be loving toward someone you feel that way about. But removing my emotions, I know that my anger and hatred does not benefit anyone that they are around that I love. Those emotions don’t help me either.

The ball of emotions had become very manageable.

It is not always easy to forgive or pray for the people in our past. But it gets easier. It isn’t about those people that once had so much say in our lives. It is about letting them go so we can have peace.

This is a hard article to write. There is a part of me that still wants to tattle. She is many ages of Summer, but I am in control and I am a lady. I am here and I want to see my readers get well and I don’t think telling on people will make anyone feel better. In reality it never made me feel better. I think that sharing what I have learned is what actually helps me move forward.

There are many paths to wellness. For me, medication and therapy, several types, has been a life saver for me. I think everyone should see a therapist for at least a period of time in their life. We can all use more tools to help us use our words and our minds to help us process what the world throws at us. I do know, for me, I would not be here without my relationship with God. God has always turned me in the right direction and spoken truths to me when I was ready to hear them. As I leaned into Them, I learned more and especially gained that peace, joy, safety and love I was looking for.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

The Apology

by Summer D Clemenson | May 11, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions

I have been angry for a few weeks. I knew somewhere I needed to make amends but I didn’t know where the apology was supposed to be headed until today. My sister, Jamie Holloway, sent me a link to the cover song version of “Voices Carry” sung by Kate Hudson. I really enjoyed their version but I was getting angry while hearing the words…Shush…voices carry. Shut up! Voices carry. I hate the phrase “shut up.” I wasn’t allowed to use that term growing up. I wasn’t allowed to use it but other people were allowed to tell me to shut up. Don’t tell our secrets. Don’t tell your dad this. Don’t tell your mom this. Don’t say this. Don’t say what I said…

You know what? I am done being told to not speak.

This is part of a letter I sent to someone recently. They had asked me to keep our conversations out of my blog. I told them I would use discretion. I didn’t promise I would not write about my life. I didn’t consider my poetry, where I process my emotions and some of my dreams, but they were concerned about one of my poems where they were neither named or quoted and I am not saying it was or was not about them now.

I spoke to my therapist about my letter because in the rest of the letter, for the first time, I was honest with this person about myself. I have never been honest with this person. I have known them my whole life and never been honest with them because when I have been, I hurt them and their idea of me and they wont go to therapy. I don’t want them to not have someone to go to, who can explain to them that I don’t hate them, but I have to be free to be myself and to protect myself too.

You know what he told me? He told me that sometimes we need to talk and write about what happened to us. He told me that if anyone didn’t like what I had to write, they were free to not read it. If anyone asked them about my blog they were free to tell anyone they knew that they choose to not read it.

It made sense to me. I don’t choose to read much about Trump. I don’t choose to say much about him. When asked about him, I say, I don’t choose to read or speak about Trump. Why? Because the first two years of his presidency I couldn’t say President Trump without having an anxiety attack. I avoided Twitter, yet I couldn’t turn on the news without the press telling what he tweeted. He loves chaos and I hate it, so I avoid him.

If what I write bothers you. Don’t read it or talk about it.

This aligns with the bible too. God tells us that until we let the light of truth in we can’t heal. I have been in the dark for a long time and I am getting used to holding my wounds in the light where they can be healed by truth.

I owe a big apology to myself. I am sorry Summer. I have let people keep you quiet, when you didn’t want to be; sometimes when it hurt you to be quiet. I have let other people stifle you from sharing some of your healthy thoughts, and good habits. I have let others abuse you with your own silence. I don’t just share my life here to show off that my brain is healing and that I am growing, although I am very proud of that. I am hoping to get the attention of other emotional abuse survivors who need to know that it is ok to mess up. It is ok to speak. It is ok to try. It is ok to fail. It is ok to leave. It is ok to do what you have to do to get better. You don’t have to let people hurt you just because that is the way we have always done it. It is ok to expect change before reconciliation. It is ok to not want reconciliation. It is ok to not be sorry for telling the truth and say YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET AN APOLOGY FROM ME FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME.

I have a great life because I expect authenticity and the attempt at wellness from the people in my life. I am done with chaos. I have found my voice.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

In My Prayers You Will Stay

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 29, 2024 | About Summer, Poetry

I am not afraid of the Spirit within me
I am not afraid of my emotions or memories
that cause physical sensations deep in my muscles
that remind me where I have been
and how far I have come
But I am afraid you will never see or hear who I really am

You offered me a gift with
no strings attached
I didn’t say anything about the strings that have always been there
So you must be confessing that
You don’t give anything freely

I read somewhere that
when you love someone you want the best for them
when you are attached to them you want what you can get out of them
I don’t have anything else to give you
But when I think of you
I ask God to give you your heart’s desire

I don’t want to find you guilty anymore
but you are the one that abused me
You taught your children to treat me like your slave
You are the one that shunned relationship first
There are many reasons I can’t trust you

But I still love you
So in my prayers you will stay

Note: These flowers don’t have anything to do with this poem but they are pretty and should be remembered. My wife, Karen G Clemenson’s coworkers gave them to her while she was recovering from her hysterectomy.

I Know God is Carrying Me

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 25, 2024 | About Summer, Cancer, Opinions

I am so tired and I know God is carrying me. Most of the time my prayers are: God please help. Not only for myself but when I see what is going on in the world. I am not the only one that is overwhelmed. It is hard to think about the wars in the world and the children being killed or kidnapped and the families being hurt and people who are sick when you, yourself are so overwhelmed. But God is good and He knows our struggles. He is good at answering: God please help.

In November when Karen G Clemenson got sick, I was in shock. She doesn’t get sick. I am the sick one. But we ended up at the hospital twice and found out she had a baseball sized tumor behind her right ovary. She didn’t have health insurance. Her state insurance had just been canceled and she hadn’t had time to start the process of signing up through her work. The process to get all the coverage took much longer than the few days we were promised and 6 months later we are still working on the dental plan. But besides the $15,000 bill from the ER, she is covered for her medical and we area grateful.

My dental insurance only covers cleanings and diagnostics and I had a bad dentist that told me my impacted wisdom teeth were no big deal. My new dentist has said other things. Like one of my molars was dead and had to be removed and I have to have the impacted wisdom teeth out and I have another 2 teeth that need fillings, one specifically because of another impacted wisdom tooth. Karen’s dental insurance, if we could get it to settle, would cover these things but it has taken so long that my bad molar broke. So we went in to have it removed two weeks ago and gave them the insurance and are waiting to see if they will cover any of it. Of course my mouth is still healing and it is hard to get used to my new mouth.

Meanwhile Xavier got really sick and needed a lot of care and finally I knew this wasn’t just a flare and we took him to see Dr Katie, who confirmed that it was best to help him go to Jesus, which I wrote about in RIP Xavier. I never really had time to even mourn because the next day we had to prepare for Karen’s surgery.

Yesterday, we were so thankful that our friend,Jho, picked us up at 4 am to take us to PeaceHealth Southwest Washington for Karen’s robotic hysterectomy. I was so thankful when Dr Rushing called me to tell me that she did really well in the surgery and he was confident that her tumor was benign. He felt that she would be able to leave in 4 hours, once she had had another blood test. When you have a surgery like this you have to have another blood test 4 hours after the surgery to make sure you aren’t losing blood. Her test turned out well.

The other thing that can happen after this type of procedure is that you have trouble urinating. The trauma in that area can cause things to freeze up for some women and Karen is one of them. Karen did not get to go home 4 hour later. In fact she ended up staying all night and finally being sent home with a catheter. We are hoping her primary can remove it tomorrow so she doesn’t have to go back to Vancouver tomorrow.

As I am writing this I heard a soft voice of my wife, saying she misses our boy. I do too.

I am flaring up. My body does not handle stress well at all. Since I have an IUD as part of my cancer treatment, I don’t have periods but when I am totally on tilt, I spot. I have been spotting. I have sores in my mouth. My body hurts more than usual. My appetite is scarce. I feel defensive.

But I know that God hears: God please help.

One little blessing is this plant start. On the day that Xavier (pronounced like Javier) went to Jesus, one of Karen’s coworkers gave us a start to a praying hands plant. I had been thinking I should get a plant. I have named her Xavier (pronounced the traditional way) Elizabeth.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

RIP Xavier

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 23, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions

I knew Xavier was sick and would probably need to go to Jesus when we took him to see Dr Katie yesterday. I had known it was different this time. His IBS flares usually only lasted a week but no more. He never stopped eating longer than a day or two. I heard myself saying to myself that I needed to hold him as long as he would let me because there would come a day I could not hold him anymore. I didn’t usually take pictures of him and me but I felt like I needed a picture with him because our time was coming to an end. When Karen G Clemenson got this flood of hope, yesterday morning, that it was only another mouth infection and we would just get some antibiotics and he would get better, I wanted to agree with her, but I knew it was not so.

I had cried so many tears already. Xavier was fastidious with his grooming and he was a compulsive eater and he had quit both of these things 2 weeks ago. He was drinking a lot of water and still using his litter box but he wouldn’t touch his food or take his probiotic, which he used to love. He still had loose stools and dry heaves. But he was trying to be positive for us.

He would purr when I came into the room or when I read out loud. He loved to hear me read my bible out loud. Even though he wasn’t jumping up to lick the ink on my notebook pages anymore, I could hear him purring from under the bed, yesterday morning. If he was in the bathtub, his other favorite spot, he would always say hello to us when we came in.

Xavier was born on September 10, 2008. I met him 8 weeks later while visiting a church. He was a different kind of cat. He was stimulated very easily and more anxious than most cats. I knew if I didn’t get him a companion while he was a kitten, I would not be able to have another animal but it just didn’t work out, and he proved me right. Xavier did not understand how to play with other animals. He was terrified of most people and animals. He was a biter and it took a toll on me. I prayed a lot about how to handle this high strung ball of fluff and God told me how to give him his space and pay attention to his very small cues. Xavier helped me understand things about myself and he became the perfect emotional support animal for me.

It took at least 2 months for Xavier to accept Karen but they build the cutest relationship. He had very little patience for her constant movements and noises but eventually he learned to dance with her (literally). He never let Karen hold him. That is something only I was allowed to do. But Karen was the only one allowed to give him kisses. When he was well, he would make sure she got up with her alarms for work and walk her to the door when she left. If she was late he would pace and worry until she came home. I was the nurturer so I got out of the way and let Karen be the fun mom and it was great.

Xavier was very opinionated like me. In fact, Karen often said he was just like me. She thought it was hilarious to watch us fight; we both have very bad tempers, although it usually takes a lot to get us angry. He had learned my facial expressions which was so odd to see in a cat’s face. He loved jazz and piano music. His favorite essential oils were doTERRA’s On Guard and Frankincense. He refused to drink standing water and was often found in the bathtub; he could even get water out of a faucet that wasn’t turned on. He would not eat any other food other than his hard prescription food, although as he got older he learned to like to share a few licks of my tapioca pudding. He hated when we sang; he even slapped Karen for singing when she was too close to him once…we both laughed at that one!

Xavier was not an easy animal. He made me work but he also helped me a lot. While I was going through the toughest time of my mental illness and chronic illness he reminded me to take my meds, he encouraged me to do my workouts, sometimes he was the reason I got out of bed because he demanded that things were done a certain way. Now that my brain is more healed and I have established some good habits I know I couldn’t have done it without him because he learned to do what Karen did, while she was at work and he did it.

This weekend I told him that I knew he was sick. I told him that I wanted him to get better but that if he needed to go, I understood. Every time he saw me he would purr. I know he was telling me he loved me. Yesterday when it was time to go to see Dr Katie, he wouldn’t come out from under the bed so I had to move the bed to get him and he purred when he saw me. I had told him the night before that we were going to see Dr Katie and she was going to help him. I scooped him up and we went to the bathroom to get a drink before we went. I wanted to believe Karen that it was just a mouth infection but the pain I had been feeling for days was too real. I brought him out and let Karen love on him a bit before he went into his carrier and unlike usual, he purred the entire way to the vet.

After she examined him, Dr Katie explained that Xavier had signs of kidney or liver issues or possibly cancer. He was 15 and a 1/2 years old and it was the right thing to do to let him go. He was agreeable the entire time. He knew we were helping him. He went to sleep peacefully in my arms before Dr Katie gave him the injection that put him to sleep forever. His heart stopped right after I said: I love you Xavier. You are my good boy kitty…Like I always told him…

Xavier Rock’On Clemenson died on Monday April 22, 2024 but he lives in our hearts forever. RIP Xavier.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Was Locked Out of My Facebook Account

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 26, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions

On the day after I had surgery I got an email from PayPal that my transaction with Facebook had gone through. I was on pain killers and supposed to be resting but I did not purchase any ads subscriptions with Facebook or Meta and I was angry. I had been having trouble with my Facebook for a while and had been locked out of my account, supposedly by Facebook. So I contacted PayPal and let them know that I did not authorize any purchases through Facebook or Meta and since I was locked out of my Facebook account and could not cancel any other purchases I was unable to do anything about any other subscriptions and I wanted them to help me. They would not refund my money but they did cancel the future subscriptions and give me an email address I could contact Facebook / Meta to try to recover my money.

I told my sister, Jamie Holloway, about it and she googled and found a number online that said you could contact it if you didn’t have a Facebook account, which essentially I don’t.

So I didn’t call right away. I waited until I cooled off a bit. I was pretty angry and I try not to call people when I am angry. Now I realize I should have waited a few days because I would have more able to make better choices. I was there enough to recognize things that didn’t make sense, just not enough to realize I should be on the phone with this person.

When I called 1-888-317-4150, which I don’t recommend you ever call, the man that answered the phone said, “Good afternoon,” but he didn’t say he was Facebook or Meta. As someone who used to work at an answering service, I know that mistakes can be made but normally you are reading from the screen how to answer the phone for your client and your client wants the name of their business used. I asked him about this and he agreed that he was Facebook, I figured he just made a mistake.

He asked me a few questions and told me that my Facebook account had been hacked by people in Indiana and Ohio. He also mentioned a specific man’s name, which I didn’t write down. I don’t know anyone in those states that would hurt me and I didn’t know that man.

He told me that he needed to be able to differentiate between me and the hackers so he could clean up my account. He said the hackers had attached my PayPal, Venmo, Cashapp, Walmart, Amazon and Target accounts to my Facebook account. I told him that I don’t have a Cashapp account and that I don’t shop at Target and I don’t have a Target app. He actually argued with me about that. I thought that was odd. I also told him I have never used my Venmo account with Facebook and and he said we had to check anyway.

He had me download the Any Desk Remote Desktop App on my phone. He also asked what kind of computer and phone I used. I also had to download Facebook again. He asked me why I deleted the app and I told him that after 20 years on the platform I was angry that someone could post something in my name and I could be locked out my account and there was no one to talk to about it. He also had me go into Settings on my phone, click on General and then look at Legal and Regulatory. He asked me if I had been to any of the countries listed there, but I am sure he was looking at the model number of my phone.

Next he had me go into every other account and try to send money or make purchases. I kept telling they wouldn’t go through. I am poor. I don’t keep money in my debit account. They didn’t go through. In Amazon, although I told him the gift card he wanted me to purchase would not go through because my wife’s debit card had been lost and I hadn’t updated her information he told me to do it anyway. We got the email. He told me to throw it away and dump the trash. When we got to Walmart, it was the last stop and he told me to use my credit card to buy an eGift card. I was under duress and I wasn’t sure the purchase would go through because I keep a small limit on my credit card on purpose. When it did go through, he told me to throw away the email telling me it went through and dump the trash.

Soon after I got off the phone with him, I began to realize what had just happened. I called Amazon and they were glad to cancel the eGift card. Although we had got the email, it had not gone through and they were waiting for an updated payment method and I didn’t have one to give them. Walmart, however would not cancel my purchase. I spoke with two people on their website chat and one person at customer service at 1-800-925-6278 that day. I tried to add the eGift card as a payment option in my Walmart account because my pharmacy is at Walmart and my wife had an upcoming vision appointment and I thought we could just use the $200 that way and pay the credit card with the money we would have spent on my prescriptions and her doctor appointment, but each time I tried to add the card I was told the card number and pin number didn’t match and customer service had no answer for me other than to call Walmart Card Services in a few days.

On Feb. 20 I did email the email address PayPal gave for Facebook / Meta but I haven’t heard back yet.

Since that time, I have changed all my passwords and some of my email addresses on all accounts and replaced my debit and credit card. Talk about a hassle. On Feb 21, I called Walmart Gift Card Services at 1-888-537-5503 and was finally told the reason my card can’t be used or added to my account was because it was used almost immediately. I was advised to call the police and let my bank know.

I was not able to call the police on the 21st because by the time I put all my thoughts together it was too late to talk to anyone about non-emergency issues. On the 22nd I chickened out and the Longview Police Department is not open Friday through Sunday. I called today to find out that I could have reported my issue online, which is what I did. I am now waiting to hear if they will accept my police report.

This whole situation has been very painful for me. I have given it a lot of thought and realized that since the middle of January, I have been under the impression of people that wanted to hurt me. I had several business accounts that we did little with and they were trying to reach us through those pages. I got messages threatening to take those pages down if I didn’t prove who I was, so I was giving them information that I might not have shared with them otherwise. That is how they gained access to my account and locked me out of my account. I don’t click on surveys, fill out questionnaires or ever click on those memes that say click on this to find out such and such about yourself because I know they could be a phishing plot, but I love to read and I remember they got me once because there was an interesting looking article that one of my friends didn’t post…they caught me because I love to read. The minute I was on a weird site, I knew I had made a mistake. I have been so careful and that one mistake cost me.

I don’t blame Facebook / Meta. It is my job to be careful online but I am hurting. I am responsible for my safety everywhere. I am a person with trauma experience and this feels so much like past experiences, except with people that don’t know me. I am working through my pain. I miss Facebook. I have been trying to engage on X and Instagram but they are not the same as Facebook. I am a reader and a writer and people don’t give their opinions on X and Instagram. Even when I didn’t agree with people’s opinions on Facebook, I either kept scrolling or it gave me something to think about. I miss the people on Facebook. I can’t seem to find some of my favorite people and even when I do, they don’t interact the same way on X and Instagram. I told that to Jamie and she asked me if I was ready to get a new Facebook. I told her I wasn’t ready yet. But I am working on it.

I have learned a lot though. I thought I knew these things, but I only knew them in my head. Now I know them in my heart. It is one thing to know about online safety measures. It is another thing to understand how vulnerable and victimized you can feel when someone takes advantage of you, just because they can. I told that man I was an honorable person and I know there are other people that are honorable online and I hope that somewhere that resounds with him. I hope he finds a new job.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because this can happen to anyone and if this helps anyone then my pain is not without merit. Be blessed.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

There Are Lots of Kinds of Pain

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 16, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions

There are lots of kinds of pain. At the beginning of my last therapy session I had told my therapist that I was having a pain day and he asked me how I handled that. I told him that I responded differently, based on the kind of pain it was. If it is arthritis pain, it is kind of constant or sharp and if I push through with movement and exercise I might be able to loosen up and move beyond the pain and have a productive day. If it is a fibromyalgia pain day, it feels like more of a metallic or battery like pain and you really can’t do anything about it. You must be careful and do little movements, rest and try not to instigate more pain for the next day. Naps are important. If it is emotional pain you have to decide if it is suicidal pain or just blue pain. I haven’t been suicidal in several years and I am very thankful. Suicidal pain means you need to get help now. Depression pain means you might need to pamper yourself a bit; take a nap, give yourself a treat, find someone that loves you and talk with them or do something fun.

I am of the mind that we should do something pampering every day so I always have a good cup of coffee and try to read things that make my brain feel good. I am a naturally ambitious person that lives in a body that can’t do as much as I want it to so I have to find balance. But I have a 15 minute workout I do every day. I have missed my 1/2 mile walk for a few days because I had a D&C on Tuesday and I am letting my body heal from that but I plan to go shopping tomorrow so I will be back to walking tomorrow. Prayer makes me feel more connected to my Savior and I do that any time I want. There are so many things you can bring into your life that helps you feel pampered and that you love yourself. I also text or talk to my sister, Jamie Holloway, every day, She always enlightens or stretches me.

For that last couple of weeks I have been dealing with being kicked off of Facebook. This is stressful to me. I miss the people I am used to interacting with. They are not on the other platforms I am on. But bigger than that, I was kicked off because my account was hacked and then I was locked out of my account by the hackers. Because of this I have been on the phone with several financial institutions, destroyed all my cards and had to get new ones and changed all my passwords and most of my email addresses on my accounts. I feel violated. I feel stupid. I need to forgive myself and I think I have but I still feel raw. No one has the right to take advantage of people like this, yet with the ease that people have assured me that this happens all the time, it makes me feel more angry that it is so common.

But this is not how I want to live my life. I have spent a lot of my life being angry. It didn’t make my life better. Instead, I like to think about how to be more positive and how I can see the blessings in situations.

When I was at the library Saturday, the librarian was mentioning how hard it was to get old. I told her I thought it was a blessing because so many people don’t get the opportunity to get old. She paused and told me that she was going to start thinking about that because her son had died a few years ago at the age of 38. I told her I was so sorry for her loss. And then I told her that I saw on TV how much people lament getting old but in reality being older is a blessing. As I have gotten older, there is a peace about things I know I don’t have to worry about anymore that when I was younger, I wasted so much time on. I am so much comfortable with myself now. Yes, there are aches and pains and I look different now than when I was younger, but that is just vanity. She seemed to be really touched by our conversation.

When I came out of surgery on Tuesday, I was anxious, which is normal for me but I had a really great nurse that helped me focus on what I needed to focus on to be able to go home. While we were talking I was sharing about my life and as she listened to me talk about my perspective of pain, sickness and being well and she was thankful for me. When she had to pass me off to the next hands that took me back to my room she told the nurse, she wished she could keep me all day or have patients like me all day; I really inspired her. I wasn’t doing anything but talk about my family and the choices I have learned to make to have a better life.

I ask God to help me be a blessing to the people He puts in my life so that He can have the glory as often as I can remember. I think He did that on both these occasions.

I have prayed for the hackers that have attacked me. I want them to stop hurting people. I want them to find Jesus and a more honorable job. I want them to understand that no one deserves to be treated with such disregard. I am not any more special than anyone else but I know what my family is going through and what we have worked hard to obtain and I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through this added stress. But this too is pain. It is getting smaller. But it is ok to acknowledge that this hurts too.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

That is What They Know

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 6, 2024 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Opinions

I have a person from the past that emails me. I always respond but I don’t tell them too much. Just enough. I know they love me but our relationship has always been toxic. It isn’t their fault. They are a good person they just need some help and I can’t give it to them. I have asked them to go to therapy, take the meds that a medical professional suggests, get better. They know that I have chosen to keep them out of my daily life, they always elude to that at the beginning of their email. It is part of how they communicate. If they tell me anything about themselves, it is how overwhelmed they are, a complaint about something they won’t get help with, but could. It is a pattern they are following because that is what they know. They never answer any questions I ask. They never ask any questions about me. These two statements tell me they still don’t know how to have an equal relationship, where I won’t be expected or needed to be the servant. I am afraid to let them closer to me partially because my blunt and honest communications style hurts their feelings and also their need to be served fits into my old patterns that triggers all my mental illnesses: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.

When they first emailed me yesterday, I told them about a few things that have changed and things that were coming up. They never respond to my emails. I was surprised to get a response on the same day. In their second email they were telling me they were surprised that I responded. But I don’t understand that because I always answer their emails.

They wanted to walk with me. I told them no. I can’t do more than email right now. I said this for many reasons. First, I can’t go back to the old relationship we had. I need proof that they are different and they haven’t shown me that they have done anything to get better. Second, the actual type of biological relationship we had is not going to work for me and I don’t think they can just be my friend; because they haven’t proven they are doing anything to get better. Three, when I am walking I don’t talk; I am in pain. Every step is excruciating and I am just trying to get through the walk. I don’t want to hurt their feelings but my walks are all about me getting through it and I am not social at all.

In the past when I have tried to take care of myself and set boundaries I have been told I was selfish; this person suggested that I always have to have things my way. I am a neurodivergent person and a chronically ill person. They are right. I do have to have things my way sometimes, but not because I am selfish. I have a sick body and mind and many times I am not in control of what she is going to do, but also I wasn’t made to be a servant to my family; I was made to be a servant of God and He doesn’t ask me to give until I am sick like my extended family has.

I am not without compassion and empathy for this person. I pray for them and love them but I can’t save them; I have tried many times but I know now that it is not my job to do that. I also know how strong and capable they are to do this for themselves. If this person wants me in their life they are able to get the help they need to overcome the things that overwhelm them for their sake and mine. I know because I have done it and continue to do it. It doesn’t happen over night. Wellness is a path that we walk for the rest of our lives but it takes us choosing to make the necessary changes. I have seen this person make many positive changes in their life. If they want me in their life they will go to therapy, learn how to set and respect boundaries, learn how to have a balanced relationship and see me for who I actually am and not for who they want me to be. Until I can see those changes, our relationship will have to be email only.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Don’t Have Self-Esteem Issues

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 18, 2024 | About Summer, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

I have been thinking about a response I got to a post I made on Facebook last week about an interaction I had with someone. I didn’t post the conversation with the person because I wanted to get kudos for myself. I wanted to encourage anyone that needed it to make efforts to see the people around them. But I was surprised when someone responded to my post that they saw my light no matter what I felt about myself. I was surprised about this because I don’t have self-esteem issues. In fact I have come to a point in my life that there is a quiet peace. I am satisfied with myself. I know my Creator is happy with me. I know my wife and my sister are happy with me. I know even my cat is happy with me. I honestly don’t want to hurt anyone, I want to be a blessing, but I don’t need the approval or adoration of anyone.

I don’t know if this is age or just that I spend most of my time with God and Karen G Clemenson, Jamie Holloway and Xavier and we all have a high level of integrity, communication and honesty and we don’t play games with each other. This has helped me a lot. This stability I have always craved is content. The resiliency that we have had to cultivate has made us more pliable. The fact that we all understand that we do not see, hear or understand all that God does, but that we know He has us and will never leave of forsake us is powerful. We remind each other as needed. This no nonsense way of life is refreshing.

I suppose having to let people go, that I have love for, because they can’t hear me has made a difference. It was a hard process. There was mourning involved. There were many emotions involved. But there was also healing involved and honesty that has honored my self. They can’t or won’t hear me but I did. God did. He knows that I don’t want reconciliation with people that can’t or won’t hear me or respect my individuality; that I wasn’t put on this earth to serve them. I was put on this earth to serve God and He has other ideas. He needs me to be whole and able to make decisions with an un-fractured mind. He isn’t afraid of my diagnosis’ and my need for medications or therapy. He isn’t afraid of my history. He was with me every step of the way and He will be with me for every one I have yet to make.

My self-esteem is grounded in the same place my light is — in the salvation and new life I have in Jesus Christ. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. It means I never struggle alone. That light that person was referring to in my post was not me by myself but me in Jesus and Jesus in me.

I have been in a place that seemed like a struggle but really it was a place of rest. I was learning to trust God; that He would provide no matter what. We are getting ready for a new home. We are getting ready for a new path or at least a bigger view of the one God has had us on. God has been preparing us for something new and we are ready. That will mean I might not spend as much time at home, or maybe people will be coming to me, we shall see what He has in store but I won’t be alone so much, I know it. I have learned to relish the time alone and to talk more freely to God because He is my best friend and He is always here and I shouldn’t hold back. He knows everything anyway…

There were a lot of things that I learned from The Birthday Card I Didn’t Want. It wasn’t the only message I received that week from people I had said goodbye to. There was a note in Messenger from a person that had dumped me so many times in our 30 year relationship. The last time they dumped me they told me they didn’t want to know me and as I skimmed their message, just days after that terrible letter from Winfred, and a few days before my birthday, that is what I heard in my head: I don’t want to know you. It is true, a part of them probably loves me but another part of them really doesn’t want to know me and that is the part I am continuing to protect myself from. I deleted that message. You don’t have to be in relationships that hurt you just because you love someone. Their version of love might not be the same as yours. You have to love yourself too.

There is always a cost to saying no to someone that abuses you. But when you find people that don’t play games with you and really love you, it is easy to say no to people that don’t know how to love you. Jesus told us to give freely out of our abundance. If we are giving until it hurts we are not giving from abundance. We are not free to love. We are not loving ourselves. By loving ourselves we are filling the coffers to let love overflow. This is the natural way of loving. Jesus made time to pray and fill His coffers. We need the same thing. Finding time to talk to God and read the bible because it is the physical way we can get to know Him is the best way to get your cup to overflow. It is nice to go to church but if you have nothing to give, why go?

We are supposed to be a blessing to each other but if we are not filling our selves up, and God is the only thing that our Spirit craves, how can we bless each other. It is natural that sometimes we are going to need the support of others, but there comes a point that we must grow beyond the need of just milk but something actually to chew on and we must be able to serve each other. You don’t get this by being in need all the time. You must strengthen yourself and talking with God, just like you would with your best friend and waiting for Him to answer and reading the bible is that only way you are going to grow. Humans are not perfect and can hear things wrong. You must cultivate your own relationship with God. If this is how you ground your self-esteem you will not be unsatisfied.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

The Monster Inside of Me

by Summer D Clemenson | Jan 4, 2024 | About Summer, Poetry

The monster inside of me doesn’t care about what I think
or feel or want to be
I was born with this and I don’t think it cares how old I am
It is part of my genealogy
I see it in ancestors and a few who have come after me

I have tried to get rid of this thing that rages
Unlike a few fractures that stayed a long time, I won’t name it
It is a thorn in my side and I have only learned to control me
not the monster that finds joy in causing pain

I used to break things to satisfy its temper
Hurting people hurt me too much
The feeling of satisfaction made me want to throw up
I learned to limit myself
to remain sober
to make rules so I am always in control

I NEVER feed the monster
I don’t watch fighting, or horror movies or the news
I don’t spent time with people that rely on savagery
I forgive often
I listen to music that makes me happy<

The meds I take help me use my tools
I make better choices
My mind works slower and more efficiently
but I never forget the monster
I have more boundaries for myself than for others

I see people who have their own monster and I pray for them
God leads me away from my danger zones
I know He can help them too
He doesn’t take the monster because it keeps me humble
It helps me remember that I am imperfect
It makes me work hard to love myself

The monster makes it easy to love those that seem unloveable
because I am just like them
Behind my abstinent face with the pleasant smile
I know what I choosing not to do
When the monster is awake
Besides praying it will go back to sleep