Sometimes Trust Can’t be Fixed

by Summer D Clemenson | Dec 1, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

I told my therapist, yesterday, that I am sure I have forgiven several people in my life completely. The part I am struggling with is that you can forgive someone, let’s call them “Person A,” so many times and then it becomes apparent that they are not a safe person for you to be around because they keep hurting you so you are forced to create a boundary that says Person A can’t be in my life. The really hard part is that because of the dynamics of a particular group of people, you now have to remove yourself from the group of people because the relationship between Person A and you and everyone in the group doesn’t let you just remove one person.

I would love to try to have a relationship with Person B and Person C but they are too close to Person A and Person B is married to Person D and I don’t feel safe around them either. There are more variables but that is too many letters and we will both get confused. It is just easier to stay away but it does make me sad; sometimes it makes me angry.

People say: Oh well, it is the holidays! or Oh well, it is family, get over it!

My therapist said that trust is a hard thing to fix. I told her that I realized that I don’t trust women because the closest ones to me were manipulative towards me. She asked me how that manifests in my life. I said I have 2 close friends and I am married to one of them.

We agreed that it must take a lot for me to allow someone to really get close to me.

Am I writing this so I can whine and complain? No. I am writing this to encourage anyone that has been hurt that it is ok to look at your wounds and realize truths so you can work on them. I am talking to God and my therapist about my concerns. I am creating healthy boundaries for my mental health. I am continuing to affirm my value and maintain my self-care.

Some relationships can’t be fixed, but the relationship with myself can be.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

What Was His Name?

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 22, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving, Queer Community

I have been reading through Genesis lately and there is a ton of history in there but there are a lot of lists of names too. They are tedious. I usually read out loud and Karen, my wife, will be listening and every once in a while she will say: what was his name?

My answer is always, that was the best I can do. I have not been to seminary and I haven’t spent hours with people that are scholars that know how to pronounce the names in the bible so I do the best I can guess and I move on. I do the same with the names of the towns and the rivers and mountains.

I couldn’t sleep for a while last night and I was up thinking. I was considering some of the lists I had read the last few days. God does not tell every story about every person listed in the bible. He inspired the writers of the bible to a few choice people. But He did inspire the writers to put seeming endless lists of names in the Word. These lists don’t give hints to how to say these names. They don’t give anything away about the character of these people, their favorite things, if they walked with God or if they asked God questions.

But the beauty of God is that He knows everything about these people. Whether our names are in the bible or not, He knows our name. He knows where we came from. When we met Him. What our favorite things are. He knows if we tend to be happy all the time or can be a bit maudlin. He is not intimated by my endless questions…

I couldn’t help but be overjoyed while I lay in the dark that I was friends with a God that was so personal that He knew the most intimate things about everyone and it didn’t overwhelm Him because He is Spirit and He is like a cloud of infinite memory, love and relationship abilities.

I have a friend that has been really hurt in their life by everyone that said they loved them. It has taken years of therapy to help them come to a place where they feel they are healing. There is a lot of pain, anger and many other feelings and memories to heal from. They often post things about Christians that are hypocrites. Their posts make me sad. So sad.

I know my friend knows Jesus and Jesus is helping them. I know that God accepts them and all the judgements that have been made about my friend are wrong, ignorant, unloving and, as they say, hypocritical.

When I married, Karen G Clemenson, I was in denial. I couldn’t be queer. My mind was telling me that I couldn’t be gay. That was an abomination. I just married my best friend. We loved each other. But a year into my marriage, after seeing a therapist who helped me start to accept my truth, and talking to God, I realized, I was queer and I hadn’t lost God. He hadn’t stopped loving me, talking to me, or left me for one second. When I asked Him if He wanted me to divorce my wife, He said, “No.”

Yet when I considered membership to a church, I met with the pastor who told me that he did not agree with the law, but he did appreciate that read the bible. I was welcome to come to their church but I wouldn’t be allowed to be in a leadership position.. There were sincere people that cared about us, but there were other people that were scared of us and I just didn’t feel brave enough to handle their emotions on top of my chronic illnesses. In the end I left because I felt like the pastor was always planning his next missions trip and I had already grown up with a missing dad and it just felt too similar…

Why am I talking about this? Because we can’t know why people do what they do, but God does.He knows all our names. He knows everything about us. He even knows the people that might seem to be hypocrites or evil.

Yesterday I vented a little about Donald Trump. I hope that I didn’t offend too many people. I still feel the way I do about him but I do want him to find peace. I would hope that you could find a moment to pray for someone that makes you feel un-peaceful that they would find salvation and healing so that they would find peace and joy. I would love for heaven to have great joy because many came to repentance.

It feels better to pray for the people that makes us afraid than to hold onto the fear or hate. We were made to love. God is love and we were made in His image so it just makes sense that love is part of our DNA.

If you haven’t talked to God in a while, today is as good a day as any. He hasn’t forgotten your name.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

It Is Time to Increase My Mood Stabilizers

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 17, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Wellness

I met with my psychiatrist last Friday and spoke with him about my concerns with things that were happening inside my head that were causing me stress. October through February were the hard months for my custodial parent, so I have a hard time in these months too. Plus the holidays are here and they had their own bag of not so fun goodies. We had kept me at the lowest dose I could stand because the Luvox was giving me headaches but that we before we found proof, via MRI, that I have had migraines for most of my life and began treating them. It is time to increase my mood stabilizers.

I don’t act on what happens in my head. I am in control of myself. Even my psychiatrist felt that that the screaming and crying I hear in my head is a part of myself that remembers the pain and not me wanting to hurt myself or anyone. I do have visions of inappropriate behavior but that is usually when I am angry. I try very hard to not get angry to a certain point. In the past I have blacked out and hurt people. I don’t ever want that to happen again. So when the visions start, which are a precursor to the black outs, I walk out of the room and calm down. Along with myself, I promised myself I would never hurt anyone on purpose a long time ago. Violence is not OK, ever.

As the holidays come closer I have more and more dreams about family members of the past. I think about moments and I feel old feelings. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I realized today that I don’t trust women because of the type of situations I was raised in. I don’t have much to say about men either. Most of the time the men in my life were working or doing their own thing, until they were needed. They just weren’t around much.

I was raised by a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder. I found the paperwork one day, by accident. I was looking for pictures for a photo album in their desk. BPD is a terrible mental illness to live with. From what I can remember, my parent put all their energy into working and they did that well. But when they came home, understandably they were exhausted and any self-control they had was spent. That self-hatred that comes with mental illness was there. I often didn’t know what parent would come home. I seemed to have several, of different ages. I don’t have a lot of memories because I have blocked most of them out, but I have lots of fears. That kind of fear doesn’t let you trust. I know my parent loves me and has always wanted the best for me, I also know that while I was growing up there were no reliable treatments for this mental illness. They gave me the best they had, and I know they were the best option available to me, but I still suffered.

My step-mother had her own issues. I am not going to go into a lot of details but she never earned my trust, but pushed it away. I know she had her own trauma experiences growing up. I am not a trained therapist or psychologist but I would not be surprised if she didn’t have her own diagnosis. My father loves her and I respect that but that keeps me away, especially since my siblings are so much like both my mothers. Both women have good and bad qualities but I find myself to be very defensive around them; I am not sure they are able to see the healthy, more balanced version of Summer that I have matured into.

I am hoping the increased meds will help quiet things in my head. I am going to talk to God about these new things I have noticed about myself. I want to get better. For my sake and the sake of people who I have yet to meet. Its ok to need to get help. I am thankful that I have a team that works well with me.

Borderline personality disorder by Mayo Clinic Staff

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Have Lost My Taste For Slapstick

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 14, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

When I was growing up slapstick comedy was really popular and my mom really loved it. John Candy and Chevy Chase were two of her favorite actors. I have to admit they had great timing. But as I have gotten older and really got to know myself I have lost my taste for slapstick because someone always has to get hurt for someone else to get a laugh. I don’t think it is funny when people get hurt, especially as someone who has been hurt a lot.

We still see a hunger for slapstick in smaller forms today. We call them memes. But I don’t think all memes are funny either. Today I saw one with Ivanka Trump wearing a dress that was similar to one that Grace Kelly wore in a movie with a name that made it easy to tease Ivanka. You know what? It made me sad. Ivanka looked beautiful. According to the meme she was at her sister’s wedding and we should have been happy for them. I don’t want to befriend the Trump family and I certainly don’t want them to continue in politics but why shouldn’t I want them to celebrate a happy moment in their family?

The reasons I don’t want to have them on the news, in my living room, or in positions to make decisions that affect my life are because of the chaos they brought the last time they were in that position. Donald Trump invites negativity because that is what he knows. But if I take a moment in their lives that should be joyful and twist it in the manner that I have seen them do, I am no better than they are and I want to be a person that invites peace and forgiveness in my midst.

I do admit that I was not as emotionally healthy when Trump won his election as I am now. I was unable to say President Trump for the first 2 years of his term and I was hateful and spiteful, at every chance I had to speak or think of him. But somewhere in there I had to find a way to forgive and have peace, for my sake. I needed to stop having an anxiety attack every time I heard his name or heard his voice. It was hard. Sometimes it still is. But as I read Running on Empty and began thinking about how we didn’t even know about fostering emotionally healthy children until now and I was able to see how this would cause me to be an emotional neglect survivor, but this would also make most people an emotional neglect survivor and I began seeing how I needed to forgive a lot of people, even Donald Trump.

This does not change my political views but this reminds me to not let my political views change who I am every day.

Jesus took a few minutes to share a parable when He was with us, I am sure a few of you have heard before: The Sower and the Seed:

Jesus is the Sower and the Seed is the Word of God and the garden is our hearts. Not all of our hearts are ready to accept the Word of the Lord, when we first hear it, or even ever, but when we are ready to choose Jesus, we can let the cares of the world get out of the way so that His teachings can become deep in us so that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) are easily found in us and become boiling out of us.

This is the beauty of the freedom of choice that God gives us. We don’t ever have to choose Him, but when we do, we find ourselves letting go of pain, judgement and anger more easily and picking up forgiveness. This doesn’t mean we don’t still need to create healthy boundaries in relationships for our mental, physical and spiritual health. We still need boundaries because we can’t make others make the same choices we have made or in the same time table as we have made them in.

My wife, Karen G Clemenson, and I were watching Christmas Vacation the other night and I was shocked at my mind’s response to the movie. I had put myself in the movie. Instead of enjoying a movie, I have watched hundreds of times, I was seeing myself as part of the family. I saw myself opening the front door as soon as the squirrel was seen in the tree, knowing the squirrel would prefer being outside. I never spoke. I saw myself moving from room to room making sure there was a path in every room so people could walk safely and then I saw myself coming back with a garbage bag to pick up what couldn’t be salvaged. After that I was just plan cleaning. I was just putting things back in their place because someone had to. I was not oblivious to the chaos but I was not part of it. I was not thanked, I was not spoken to. I was just there.

I am not saying I ever lived through a Christmas that was exactly like the one in this movie, but emotionally, I think we could top it, between all the households. I think this is why I don’t like slapstick. When you are invisible it is like being at the brunt of slapstick humor. If it is the day you are visible and you are the scapegoat, you definitely know some pain.

I have been reading a biography about Mr. Rogers and I am finding out that I have much in common with him. This shouldn’t surprise me. Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood was one of my favorite shows, even through high school. When he was a boy and people around him told him to not think too much about things that bothered him, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t stop caring. He cared too much. I appreciate this. I am a person that cares too much too, and I think about how children are affected by what the grown ups around them are doing. I love that I have this in common with Mr. Rogers. He also didn’t like slapstick…

Another thing I have in common with Mr. Rogers is my love for Jesus. I want to leave you with this scripture that is so powerful!

Be blessed!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Wellness Hurts Sometimes

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 4, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

I have come to believe, from my own experience, and not from any research, that there are many ways to harmony and balance and wellness hurts sometimes. There are more than one type of wellness and these include: physical, mental, and spiritual wellness and all require a certain amount of boundaries, affirmations and expectations of ourselves to protect the one thing we can control; ourself. If we don’t care for ourself then how will we care for others. Jesus told us to give out of abundance not out of want; He told us to rest and find joy in His peace. Those sound like the recipe for boundaries to me…

This week has been hard. Actually it started last week with PTSD flash backs. I didn’t even want to write because I was afraid of what would come out of me. I don’t like to relive things and I don’t like to feed the negativity either. Some of my stories might be told someday but they should be told by a Summer that is in control of herself and not by a Summer that is in torment. I was thankful when I finally had a funny memory, a few days ago about one of my abusers; I knew I was coming out of it. Not all of my life was stressful and terrible. There were good days too.

When one of my siblings was born there was a commercial for Budweiser Beer that had a frog that said,” Bud bud, bud, bud bud, bud, bud bud, Budweiser!” As the older sibling, I noticed that they enjoyed this sound and I often would say the bud part without Budweiser to them to make them laugh. No matter how old they were, or usually what mood they were in, I could get them to laugh if I did this. Even as an adult. When they became a parent, I tried it on their child. I don’t remember if their child cared…although their cousins love it! But I do remember my sibling sitting behind them with a smile on their face, trying not to laugh.

It made me laugh to think about it. I was glad to have that memory after a week of terrible memories that felt brand new. No matter how often I would try to remind myself that I was here now. I was 46 years old and not 9 or 12 or 16 years old. I would pet Xavier who wasn’t born yet and think about that fact. I would remind myself that those people are not in my life anymore because I chose to stay away from them. I would remind myself that I had Karen and she loved me like I always wanted to be loved. It is such a struggle when it feels brand new, but you know it isn’t.

I have a friend that has been going through this too. I was trying to comfort them on Facebook and in their angst they thought I was criticizing them. I had to remind them that I was trying to be supportive. They don’t have a Karen. Part of my strength is that I have a partner that can remind me that I am here now and not there anymore. The hardest part is when she is at work. My friend doesn’t have a partner.

I did contact my therapist last week. She was glad to set up 2 appointments a month for me. She knows between October to February are my hard times. We couldn’t do a second session in October but I have two appointments set up for November. I had hoped I was far enough along in my healing that I could stay at one session a month but real strength is knowing that I need help and asking for it.

This week is a Fibromyalgia flare from hell. I am not surprised. Fibro is connected to trauma and emotions. Fibro is caused by an prolonged psychological stress and genetics, I have both of these factors. After a week of being stressed to the max, I am not surprised that my normal dull roar is now an screaming banshee at times and walking or lifting my arms above my head is an exercise in emotional strength and a shower is a time to cry and pray and when it is over a time to cry and praise God that I made it through. Sleeping is torn between hot flashes, nightmares or stressful dreams where I am in terrible pain and waking in terrible pain. But I will gladly take this over PTSD flashbacks…

I told this to my friend when I was checking in with them on Messenger. I am glad they were ok when I reached out to them.

We all have our triggers. Campaign season is hard on my friend, understandably…Mine are the holidays. I am wondering if I should put a disclaimer out there that I have a weird sense of humor about holidays because until the last few years, I had never had a holiday without fighting involved. I hate fighting.

Karen and I were watching a rerun of Reba, last night and they were fighting over who’s house they would have Thanksgiving at and who would cook. As a child of divorced parents, I thought the answer was easy…have two Thanksgivings. I tell you what, if you are invited to a Thanksgiving at my house and a fight breaks out, I will pack up dinner quicker than a fork can hit the floor and we will reschedule for another day. Holidays are supposed to be peaceful and they don’t have to have anything to do with a day on a calendar, in my mind.

I have been thinking about making a sign to hang near the door that says: If you can’t keep the peace in this home, take a walk, take a nap or take a hike…and I totally mean it.

I have learned that wellness hurts sometimes. There are side effects from important medications and even from a stay in the hospital. My dear sister, Jamie Holloway, is suffering with some terrible wounds caused by water retention she had from her last stay in the hospital. She is exhausted and begging for a break. I wish I could do more than pray and congratulate her for being diligent in advocating for herself. Sometimes healthy boundaries for one person, hurts another person but must stay, for the first person’s mental health. There are times you might have to lose out on a promotion at work because you need to say no to the early morning meetings, so you can have some needed quiet time so you are balanced.

I encourage you to look at your life and see where you can create healthy boundaries and balance in your life even if it is painful at first. When you get used to it, it might be the best thing you did for yourself.

Fibromyalgia by Mayo Clinic Staff

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

This Is My Hard Time of Year

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 28, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life

I know a lot of people that have a certain time of year that is more of a struggle for them than others and this is my hard time of the year; October to February were the months that my custodial parent struggled and so that is the time that my hardest memories live and I tend to relive them. I need to contact my therapist and increase my therapy sessions to twice a month, instead of once a month, I was hoping that I could stay with monthly but I am seeing that the cycles are repeating, as usual.

I was supposed to get up when my wife, Karen G Clemenson, went to work this morning, but I couldn’t. I fell back to sleep. When she came in for lunch today, she woke me from a dream where I was folding orange inmate jumpsuits. It was part of my duties because I was incarcerated for a short time. They didn’t have jumpsuits in my size so I had to purchase my own. I was being told to take good care of mine so that when I had to come back I could bring them with me. I figured as much. What a dream.

Stressful dreams and nightmares are normal for me but more common in this time of year. I sleep a lot more because I don’t get good rest when I having these dreams, plus with the cold weather I have a lot more pain and that is another reason for bad sleep. When I tried to wake up today Veda was here, that is what I call depression, it implies she is a visitor, instead of something I can’t overcome and maybe she will only be here for a short visit.

I know this visit from Veda was triggered by someone that asked my wife if she was the sister-in-law of my sibling. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. My siblings have made it abundantly clear that they want no part of my life. All those wonderful Hallmark cards that describe sisters are only describing, Jamie Holloway, and in no way will I call my siblings sisters and take away from Jamie who has been there for every fun event, diagnosis and growth moment in my life. I have invited my siblings, I have gone to theirs, when invited, I have loved their children with all my heart, until I was told to stop contacting them and then I loved them in my heart and prayers and hoped that when they were 18-years-old, they might choose to see me.

Longview, Washington is not as small as people think it is. But it is small enough. It has been big enough that I have never run into people I don’t want to run into but small enough that I can hear about people I don’t want to know about. I wish that the one sibling that lives here, that I have forgiven, but I can never trust, would just let me and my wife go. Just don’t talk about us. You don’t want us in person, why talk about us when we aren’t there? I promise you I don’t talk about you. Why would I? I realize I have aired my laundry a few times but I have grown beyond that, now I just want to try to heal and I don’t need any help being reminded of my past. PTSD does that for me.

I am so looking forward to spring when the crocuses and daffodils start blooming!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

God, Meds and Self-Care

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 26, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

There are three things I have to be attune to every day to be balanced: God, meds and self-care. Beyond these three things, my activities can vary within a given day, but I have to give a nod to these three things to remain in my best self. I think if I didn’t have mental and physical chronic illness these things might not be so profound but since I do, they are paramount.

I have a friend that lives with a lot with similar issues. They have been having a lot of struggles the last few years because they have different issues than I do and it is hard to find solutions and parameters that we can live with sometimes. They came to visit my wife, Karen G Clemenson, at work the other day. They let her know that they had dropped out of school. They needed more time to focus on their passion. They were so afraid I would be disappointed in them. I am not.

Today is a hard day for me. I pushed myself very hard yesterday AND the weather has changed, bringing more pain. I am anxious about blood clots. I am a little more anxious about a lot of things but that too is cyclical for me. I slept in. I did do my workout; it took a lot longer than usual and included tears in my eyes for most of it. I have taken my meds so far, until my night time meds are due. I have done my bible study and talked to God several times. I have put on my compression sock, done all my toiletries, got dressed, eaten appropriately, fed the cat and I am writing — I even went through the ads on Safeway’s and Fred Meyer’s websites…and worked on my budget for November…I have to make sure to remember to buy my mother-in-law some socks and Karen is out of ketchup…

Sometimes getting dressed means putting my nightgown back on but today I put clothes on. Sometimes writing is just the journaling I do while I do my bible study or notes I take while reading a book. Sometimes I don’t touch a book and I just lie in bed and talk to God. I understand having to change plans. If school is not part of the big picture for you and you feel like it is stealing time from your dream, don’t go. It doesn’t make sense to waste your time, money and energy on something that is not for you. What works for some people, might not be what will work for you.

What is important is that you find what does work for you. What are the three things you need every day to be balanced? Maybe it isn’t God, meds and self-care…maybe you don’t need medications…maybe you don’t believe in God…I hope you believe in some form of self-care…I also hope you do believe in a higher power but that is a different blog.

What are your three things?

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Don’t Accept

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 19, 2022 | About Summer, Community, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

Years ago I was trying to be part of a group of people, learning to use their prophetic gifts. I was very uncomfortable because I didn’t feel like I fit in but I wanted to learn from them so I kept going. As they took turns prophesying over each other, I wondered why no one spoke over me and I heard God tell me that He would be the only one that He would allow to speak over me. As someone trying to be part of a group this was a buzzkill but as a believer, this was a really cool word…that I didn’t feel I could share with anyone in the group and not hurt their feelings…

True to His word, no one has tried to speak over me and when I have volunteered myself for prayer, I have paid the price by bringing other people’s junk home to fight with until I figured out what to give to God so I would be free. Not fun.

I generally, take this in stride. I don’t read a lot of opinions of man. I stick to my bible. The Word is alive to me and I can read the same verse over and over again and get something new each time. My talks with God are informal. He made me. I don’t have to be fancy.

Yesterday a person sent me an article to read. I was surprised because I haven’t had a face to face talk with this person since The Red Rooster was open in Downtown Longview, WA…I really loved their baked peach fritters! If anyone knows where I can find baked peach fritters I would love to know!

I read the article. it was ok. The premise was good but there was a manipulative spirit on it. I stayed with the positive and thanked them for the article and asked them why they sent it to me since we rarely interact. I was surprised by their answer but took it quietly. They told me that I was overly critical of myself and I should read the free book on the site so that I could better understand my identity in Christ.

I know my identity in Christ very well. I assured them it was my identity on this earth I was having trouble with and then I went to talk to God. I also thought about their words a lot. I appreciate them thinking of me, they obviously thought this book was very good and might be of help to me, like it was to them. I asked God to bless them. I felt criticized by their words and I wondered if maybe they were too critical of their own self, so I asked God that if that were true, that He would free them. I even asked that if there was any truth to their words towards me that He heal me but that was just covering my bases.

I couldn’t get it out of my head so I decided to send them another message:

They answered that they could tell by the content of my posts.

To which I replied:

I don’t believe this person was trying to hurt me in any way. But I am thankful for this moment to look at their statement about where they think I am and say I don’t accept. This is important because so many times in my life, people who were well meaning, spoke negative things over me and I wasn’t able to say, “No,” and now I am.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Coming Home

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 13, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions, Wellness

I mentioned coming home in my blog, I Had to Paint my Toenails Today and said it was a process. I was talking about when you have been away from home for a period of time. If I were returning from military deployment, the Military Family Readiness System would available to me to help me re-engage with my family and life at home. But what I was really talking about was returning to myself.

As long as I can remember I have been trying to understand why I didn’t fit and why I wasn’t happy. I had moments of happy but they didn’t last. About 25 years ago I tried medication and therapy but had a very bad reaction because my doctors weren’t listening to me so I quit. 20 years ago I really jumped in and began digging in myself with God and a trusted pastor and we got a lot of things out of the way. This helped me through until about 8 years ago when I got physically sick and had a mental break down. I knew that this time, there were parts of me that were not going to come back. I was diligent, honest with myself and with the help of my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and my sister, Jamie Holloway, and a team of medical professionals I found an action plan that worked for me. Karen is my rock and soldier and Jamie taught me to be brave and speak for myself.

A couple of weeks ago I was reading a book and suddenly realized I was happy. It was a sudden realization. My expectations of happiness have changed a lot. I now understand that happiness is a state of mind. Nothing you can buy has anything to do with happiness. Happiness is more about having what you need and the freedom to dream. I have those things. I stopped everything and told Karen, who seemed just as surprised as I was. This is part of being home.

When I say coming home, I am not just talking about coming back to where I live but also to my action plan. There are things I do every day that keep me balanced and yesterday was the first day I did them all. It took me 6 days, where I did most or some of them, but not all of them, but on the 6th day I made it. These things are not so big, but they are vital to me and showing myself self-love.

This is my every day list:

My morning anaerobic workout
My toiletries and skin care
Get dressed
Make sure I have my steel cut oats for tomorrow and eat them for breakfast
Drink plenty of water or tea
Do my bible study and journal
Take meds when the 3 alarms go off (thank God for pill sorters)
Read and write something
Take 2 short walks – This one is new!

I do other things every day but these are the must do’s. When I do these things I know I am taking care of what I need to feel like I have cared for my physical, mental and spiritual needs. In this world we often get so busy that we neglect one or all of these things and we should not do this. Each of us is not just a body but a mind and a spirit and we have to foster health in all areas or we become unbalanced and we lose our feeling of home.

I always thought it was selfish to make time for myself until I got sick. When you get chronically ill you learn that if you don’t create as much balance in your life as you can, you will cause more flares. In a way, this is a gift because it forces you to learn to love yourself. God tells us to rest because He knows we are fragile and He knows we need time to recuperate from our hectic lives.

If you don’t have a routine of self-love for everyday, I encourage you to create one. Maybe you don’t have to do as many things as I do. I didn’t start with a list this long. It took years to get here. But maybe you could find one thing you could do for yourself and when you get used to doing that everyday, add another. You are important. You are your home. You wouldn’t let your roof keep leaking so don’t let your body, mind and spirit go without care.

Military Family Readiness System by Military One Source Staff on August 31, 2022

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Had to Paint my Toenails Today

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 11, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

Coming home is a process and sometimes each day has only enough spoons for that day and not enough for coming home. My last procedure for my endometrial cancer was in August and I was told to remove my toenail polish, all my jewelry and wash from head to toe with antibacterial soap twice and wash all my bedding and clothes I would wear to bed the night before and to the hospital. I have been home 5 days from my bout with deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism but I am still not totally here…so I had to paint my toenails today.

If you aren’t chronically ill or aren’t close to someone who is, you might not know what I am talking about when I mention spoons, but basically, it is a way of talking about how much energy you have. If you are my wife, with untreated ADHD, you have many more spoons than I do. If you are a normal middle-aged woman you might have twice as many more spoons as I do…the number of spoons I have varies depending on how much pain I am in, what I did the day before, how much anxiety or depression is affecting me today and if there is something else happening that I don’t know about, like DVT or PE.

I never did repaint my toenails after my procedure in August. There have been lots of reasons why. Sometimes it is hard to come back home after being in the hospital and I just didn’t do it. But it is a vanity that makes me feel like myself and I should have done it as soon as I could sit up.

Having cancer has been not unlike any other diagnosis for me. I know it is there. I take my meds as prescribed. I drink my water. I have cut out some more of my favorite foods. (I should premise that my favorite foods have included tomatoes, pineapple, peppers, chilis, curries, and many other healthy foods). I do my exercises. I try to stay positive. I show up at the hospital when they tell me to. I planned it that way. In fact my diagnosis for arthritis bothered me more, it is not curable and it is debilitating. With cancer there is a chance it will be cured. The fact that I have cancer has made my body more susceptible to blood clots and the hormone treatments has also increased my chances at blood clots.

Enter DVT and PE…I was reading about them today. I am taking my blood thinners. Not the old, less expensive ones but the new and very expensive ones (donations can be sent via PayPal to karen@wellnessworksnw.com…I am not joking…these meds cost double what we usually spend on ALL my meds for an entire month, after insurance). We chose the new ones because the old ones have lots of side effects, I would have to come in for blood tests weekly and I would have to give up even more of my favorite foods and there aren’t many left.

My breathing has gotten much better the last two days but I am still tired really easily. The articles I read said it could take 3-6 months for my body to break down these blood clots.There is a chance my body will never break them down. That is not where my mind is going.

I had an appointment with my rheumatologist today. I like her but she is located inside PeaceHealth St John. I was very stressed while being there. I am thankful that I didn’t have a full blown anxiety attack and my blood pressure was only slightly high…I have lost 10 lbs since I was weighed on Friday…this place makes me crazy. When I checked in, the receptionist kindly asked me if I would like a wheelchair. I thanked her but told her I needed my exercise. I want these blood clots gone. I may move slow, but I am trying to get back to me.

I am glad I painted my toenails today…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I am Here Now

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 10, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I keep reminding myself that I am here now because it is the truth but my mind keeps slipping back to the past. I keep feeling the cords on me holding me down. I keeping hearing the beeping of the machines. I sometimes feel their hands on me holding me down and telling me not to help them because it makes it worse while they ripped my clothes off of me. I tried to tell them that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD and I needed to be heard, but their rules were more important than me. My heart rate shooting up, sweating, and my hyperventilating were part of my new condition but they were probably part of mega anxiety attacks. Why couldn’t my wife be with me? She has seen all my parts. She is a trained CNA. She grounds me.

It has been hard to try to come back to my life. I keep slipping back into recent events and very old ones. I am always telling myself: I am here now. My emotional support animal, Xavier, is here. When she is not at work, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is here. I have my diffuser going and air isn’t cold and dry, although I am still dealing with the after effects of 6 days of cold dry air. My sinuses are killing me and I my nose bleeds all the time. I would tell the nurses about the air and they would all say the same thing: Is it?

I told my friend about some of my experiences and she asked me why I had not changed into a gown when I was in ER and I had no answer. The ER department is very different from ICU. In ER, my wife could have helped me. I was well aware that I was very sick and in need of help, it would have taken me a long time to undress and dress myself but I trust Karen, in fact she is one of the only people I do trust.

I went to PeaceHealth St John with shortness of breath and chest pain on Sunday October 2, 2022. I had been having shortness of breath since the Wednesday before and thought maybe my asthma had been flaring up, although I haven’t had a flare in years; I have arthritis in my ribs so I am also used to some pain in my chest as well. Up until that day, taking a nap helped, and by the evening the pain was a strong 7 and I couldn’t fall asleep for the pain. I finally agreed that I am not Wonder Woman and since I had never had a heart attack before, what if this was what was happening?

They took me back to a triage room right away and I was given an EKG and my stats were checked. My numbers were off and my heart rate was thready. I was taken back to a room in the ER and also given a test for COVID…which I don’t have. Eventually a doctor came in and told me he thought I was having a heart attack because my heart was creating a hormone that tells that. I was going to be given blood thinners and admitted to the ICU. Eventually a wonderful nurse was following me down the hall, which I couldn’t walk down without leaning against the wall, trying not to pass out. She was listening to what I was saying and running to get a chair. After that she talked the doctor into a CAT scan where they found that I had a large blood clot in each of my lungs. One was putting pressure on the right side of my heart and stressing it out. I wasn’t having a heart attack but that was why my heart was creating that stress hormone.

The CAT scan was terrifying. The ride to get the CAT scan was terrifying. All the lights and colors and people not talking to me, but about me. I couldn’t focus. I can’t handle being man handled. I have no doubt that this team could care for me but they weren’t talking to me or asking me questions. I had never been to this hospital for this service before. My experiences with Legacy were very different. They tell me everything and listen to me; it helps me stay calm and be part of my experience. I know the medical professionals were doing their job at PeaceHealth St John but they were only treating my body, they were not considering my mental status and they were causing me trauma after trauma.

I was trying so hard not to cry. I knew no one would care if I cried and it would only stress my lungs out more. By the time I was admitted to ICU I was a mess and that was the worst experience ever. The nurse that led my experience of moving me from one bed to the other and ripping my clothes off, while refusing to listen to me at all, brought in a fan and wanted to know if we were best friends now. I couldn’t speak. I was terrified of her. Even as she put oxygen on me, which I knew I didn’t need, I kept it on because I was afraid of her.

The next morning they brought in an ultrasound machine to look at my legs and found more blood clots in my left leg. The technician came back the next day to have a look at my heart. He could see my heart was still stressed out on the right side. That ultra sound was super uncomfortable. The skin under my breast is very soft and it got all torn up. It is still healing and very painful. He was a very nice man and that wasn’t his goal but it was another blow to my experiences…

I did have one nurse that I really loved in ICU and she was the main nurse I worked with. She helped me a lot and I really appreciated her.

Every doctor said the same thing…that my blood pressure was good and that they could find no reason for the blood clots other than a reaction to the hormone therapy I am going through to treat my endometrial cancer…that will be another adventure…all of them seemed surprised that even though I was stuck in bed I was doing exercises every day. What else was I supposed to do? I was bored and I have arthritis? Movement is the only thing that works for me. Even if I can only do the easy ones…(My oncologist did take me off the Megestrol and said we talk more on my pre-op appointment later this month).

I spent 2 days in ICU and then I was moved to a regular room. I was still confined to a bed. The doctors wanted me to have a certain amount of days with blood thinners in me before I started moving around. Just like in the ICU they insisted I try to use a bed pan. I told them my body does what she wants, but go ahead and try…and just like in the ICU I sat on that thing until I lost feeling in my rear end, with no luck. Unlike in ICU, they didn’t put a catheter in (Thank God!) but they did bring in an ultrasound to see how much fluid was in my bladder. It was fine until morning and by that time the doctor felt I could get up and walk to the toilet. Was I glad to hear that!

By Thursday I was so done. My anxiety levels were off the chart, regardless of the extra meds the doctors prescribed and my blood pressure was starting to rise to showcase that. I was starting to have bouts of deep depression that I couldn’t shake and fleeting thoughts of suicide. My blood sugars are normally right around 100-120 but they were high every time they checked and I was losing patience with anyone touching me. I actually told off a few of the people who were there to help me. I just don’t like being touched and I needed to go home. I was so happy on Friday morning when I was told the doctors finally were setting me free!

Overall most of my nurses and CNAs were amazing during my stay at the hospital. They were helpful and compassionate, for the most part, but I don’t understand some of the philosophy differences and I am frustrated that the medical profession still does not assess the whole person. I have decided that I wont be going to PeaceHealth St John for my hospital needs anymore.

I am still winded very easily but I guess my body still has not broken down the blood clots. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I am having trouble getting back into my routine. I suppose this is normal. I am still learning what to do with this condition…but I am here now…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

The OTHER Side of Suicide

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 28, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I am reading a book called Madness A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher right now. This book is her story about her life with Bipolar I Disorder and what she went through. I am about half way through the book and although I don’t have Bipolar Disorder I can relate to some of what she has gone through and I am thankful that I have moved beyond some of the worst parts. When I say the OTHER side of suicide, I am not talking about the side where it isn’t a concern anymore but the side where you are so depressed that you can hardly move and you just beg God to let you die.

I have never been institutionalized but I probably should have been. By the grace of God and a couple of friends that understood that I had been rejected enough in life, that that is how I would have taken them calling the hospital and it would have broken me more, I was able to fight my way back. Not everyone can say that. Not everyone can do that. I am a very blessed woman and I know that and believe it with all my heart.

If you don’t know this kind of pain, I am so grateful to God. No one should hurt like this. Some people have it done to them and some people have it inside of them. I had a little of both but not to the extremes of the woman in this book. Hornbacher’s seems to be all internal and what the fight she had, every day. I empathize with her and am so proud of the fight she put up, even though it looks like failure, I don’t see it that way. She was doing what she knew, until she knew better.

This is what people do. We do what we know until we know better. This is why I am so diligent to keep my head as clear as I can. Why I am very protective of my schedule, my habits, my boundaries and my family. I have three pill sorters I take pills from every day on timers. I am a little rebellious but never an hour or 2 beyond the alarm that reminds me to take my pills, that I have promised to take every day, because Karen does not deserve the wrath that she gets if I don’t take them. I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage since before COVID…I think it was on a birthday and when I do have one it will be one, and with food, and definitely after my body is clear of cancer. I have recently allowed myself 1 cup of Lady Gray tea this week with breakfast. That is my allotment of caffeine. I now drink decaf Americanos with extra cream at Red Leaf and even that is 1-2 per week. I drink lots of water or herb tea. I exercise. I see my therapist and psychiatrist as scheduled. I listen to music all day. I read a lot, books and online for news. The TV only comes on after 7 pm, when my wife, Karen G Clemenson thinks I can handle it and then we watch shows that don’t stress me out (definitely not the news). I go to bed between 11-12:30 every night.

I am boring because being on schedule helps me keep my balance. When I am off balance I become anxious, fearful, and easily set off and nobody likes that Summer, especially me. My diagnoses are PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD and Depression. I have blue days and I have days where I need things just so (I think Karen really hates those day, they bug me too). I have trouble with yelling voices, people that remind me of certain people and small spaces, wet fabric, bugs, phones and conflict. I am terrified of earthquakes, Donald Trump (although I can finally say his name without hyperventilating) and small-minded people although I know I have a tendency to be one and if you give me a minute I will remember that and will come back to listen to you after I have shut you off because I hate that about myself and I don’t want to leave you feeling unheard.

Being on the OTHER side of suicide is complete emptiness. You aren’t hungry. You aren’t thirsty. You don’t want to sleep but you do to kill time and hope you wake up feeling better or maybe not at all. You don’t want anything except for God to bring you home. You hurt so bad that you are numb and you just want it to end and you see no end in sight. There is nothing anyone can do to fix it. No one needs to worry about hiding any weapons, you have no energy to cause yourself any harm. It lasts as long as it lasts until one day you decide to take a shower…

I can’t forget Karen’s eyes during an episode, about 6 years ago. I don’t really remember what she was saying to me but I remember her eyes. Her eyes were saying: Don’t leave me. I think her mouth was saying, “You can’t let them do this anymore.” It was before I had begun to agree with the therapists that I should separate from my parents. Any interaction with them, lost 2 weeks for me. I could barely get out of bed to wash my face. My personal hygiene is paramount to me so if I miss even a day, you know it is bad. Nothing could rouse me, no music, no favorite food, no visitor, nothing. I would just stare at a wall, being tormented by their words, over and over again. I could never understand why they didn’t ever care about how their words and actions hurt me. I could never fathom that they didn’t understand that I was their victim. I was always left last.

Now I know they have their own hurts and troubles. But I am responsible for me. It is not their fault that when I see them, I am reminded of a Summer that no longer exists, except for with them and she is not the best of me. She is broken, hurting and doesn’t know how to take care of herself. They have never seen the best of me. I have probably never seen the best of them either. This makes me sad because I know we are all amazing people, if we could get past our hurts.

I like being on the side of suicide that I reside on now. Suicide isn’t an issue for me most of the time and when it whispers through my mind I can talk to God, maybe mention it to Karen or my sister, Jamie Holloway and it goes away. But that is because I have chosen to live a wellness lifestyle and that includes being mindful and not afraid of my mental illness, which is chronic and will need to be cared for for the rest of my life. It isn’t like a cold. It is like fibromyalgia. It will always be here too. Sometimes it wont bother me much and other times it will flare up and sometimes it will flare bigger. Meaning I will have to be more mindful and let myself rest more to regain my balance.

Is there loss? Yes, sort of. The sense of normalcy I want is gone because I had to embrace my actual normalcy. My actual normalcy is that I live in a body that hurts and a mind that gets overwhelmed if I am not careful with her. She needs me to be diligent with how I feed her and water her, move her, how I stimulate her and grow her. She is a chronic body and mind and I am in charge of her and if I fail her, I will pay the price so I must embrace wellness with a smile and not worry about things I can’t change and work on what I can change which are only in the realm of my reach.

It is good to be reminded of how far I have come. Reading Madness A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher is a good reminder. I don’t miss the manic moments and especially the moments on the OTHER side of suicide. I hope I am never get there again. But I understand people struggling and I think that is why I find people living with mental illness to be amazingly strong people. They have a burden only they can see and they are doing the best they can with something that is hard to describe and even harder to diagnose and properly treat. I think as we become more educated, we need to stop casually using some words. Like, Karen, when she feels overtaxed tells me she is crazy. I told her last night, that is untrue and she should probably stop saying that, when in fact she is overwhelmed and needs a nap. As a community, we should be more compassionate of people who have a battle that wont be fixed by a nap but also don’t want to be called crazy, they just need to find the person that can help them diagnose the real problem in their mind so they can begin the healing process.

What do you think?

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Practicing My Own Solitude

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 21, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

There used to be a screaming in my head all the time. She was very angry all the time and very distracting. Through therapy and seeking medical treatment for migraines and mental illness and practicing my own solitude, I rarely hear the screaming and usually it is during high stress times and I can name my trigger and use my tools to make it stop. Learning to think is so important. Learning to be at peace with myself and make decisions has saved my life. Now I am looking for a part of myself in books. I know I am a whole person as I am, but I feel like there is something I am missing and I feel like I will find it in a book somewhere.

As I shared in my last post, A New Chapter, I have been reading a collection of essays by William Deresiewicz entitled The End of Solitude. In one of an articles called Birthrights he writes:

In case you didn’t know (I didn’t) endemic means: regularly found among a particular people or in a certain area. This is a very strong statement.

Deresiewicz is Jewish by nationality, born and raised in New York, who in tenth grade of his yeshiva school, got his hands on a book by Sigmund Freud that changed his mind about there being a god at all. He has been at peace with being an atheist ever since. Let me reiterate that I am at peace with this statement too. I have no judgement here, although I am a Christian, I believe in freedom of choice and I applaud Deresiewicz’s bravery. For him, Judaism is not just a religion, it is his family history.

I was pondering these thoughts from last night, even today, as I began my bible study and then I read my first bible verse and I felt so overjoyed:

I haven’t really been a regular church goer for about 20 years. I think it is because I can feel the same level of humanity that comes shooting at me from Deresiewicz’s statement above. I couldn’t grow anymore in my relationship with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit in a room of people that didn’t really want to grow and in an organization that wasn’t really designed for growth. This too is a harsh statement. I miss fellowship and sometimes I slip into a building and enjoy worship but I know I don’t fit there, so I don’t stay.

The last church I went to had a row of 4 computers right in front of the doors for my donating ease and they even passed the baskets after a reminder of how important it was to tithe. Recently, I even saw an invitation on Facebook to a church where they list one of the goals of this meeting was a particular amount of donations. Don’t get me wrong I give to people even if it isn’t in the form of a check to a church and God knows. Jesus never carried a money bag but He did feed people and He loved them.

Neither church addressed the needs of the people living on the streets, any needs at the shelters, needs for volunteer visitors at nursing homes or hospice, anyone to help seniors and widows keep up their yards or any other need in the community. No one talked about volunteers to help coach people who need help reading or practicing their English. There was no mention of people to help at the food banks or to collect school supplies for the students who need it.

In my opinion our churches are not doing their job. I don’t care how pretty their structures are. I do like good music but I don’t care how high tech their sound board is…

I think Deresiewicz’s statement is so true because like Marianne Williamson says in her book A Return to Love, “…to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.” In order to do this we must let go of our fears and relearn love.

What is anti-semitism, judgement and hatred but offshoots of fear? If we recognize that we are afraid and we face it, learn what we are ignorant about, and make a new decision, a choice to love, than another man’s belief is not overwhelming, it is not scary, it is just his belief. Maybe we will talk about it or maybe we will talk about other things. Learning why we are afraid and making new choices gives us more options and I belief these too, are good and perfect gifts from above that come down from my Father of lights.

Commercialism is not a a Christian standard. It is right on the spectrum with coveting…and even though Jesus came to free us from the law, the 10 commandments are still worthy of glancing at.

Jesus came to fulfill all the prophecies and free us from the law. This may be one of many reasons why it is so hard to be an Orthodox Jew. There are 613 laws in the Bible and thousands more elaborated by rabbis. (Chapter 38 — Birthrights — The End of Solitude by William Deresiewicz)

It isn’t nearly as hard to be a devout Christian as we think it is. You love God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself. That is only hard if you are full of fear and hate…but if you spend more time with God, He will take care of that. I know my alone time with God has grown me up in ways I never imagined. There is no variation or shadow of turning in His love. For that I am thankful always!

Bless you!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

A New Chapter

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 19, 2022 | About Summer, Exclaim it!, Life, Marketing, Opinions

Do you ever just feel like something is about to change? You don’t know what it is but you feel an ambition to do things you haven’t had before? Well, I have to say, I feel a new chapter coming on.

I have reached the point that I have over 300 posts on my blog and that was no easy task. I am not sure that the book reviews are where I will stay but it gives me something to write about and that it is good. It also inspires me to keep reading and that is also a plus.

I feel like God is pushing me towards something; maybe a dream that I don’t know how to achieve on my own.

One of the verses in my bible study today was 3 John 1:2:

Writing is a great hobby but if my dream is to have guardianship over children and give them a well-loved, cultured, educated and even a bit of a traveled life, I need to find a way to do that and hobbies don’t provide money. I don’t have a body that can work a physical job and I want to be at home with the children we are entrusted with, I could do that as a writer…something I have always wanted to be. So…since college is not on the table right now, and I don’t have children right now, I will read everything I can get my hands on and write for practice and see what happens.

I am reading a collection of essays by William Deresiewicz entitled The End of Solitude. In one of his articles he writes:

I am not surprised by this bit of information at all. I can read all day long and research all the facts I want but when I really see emotional growth is when I let myself enjoy my favorite genre, historical fiction. Deresiewicz’s essays are interesting and stretch my brain about topics I have put little time into learning; they are important to my personal growth, but I was resenting them until I picked up Yellow Wife by Sadeqa Johnson. That little break helped me to embrace the growth that was to come with the next 10 essays. And now as I have begun reading The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenigger, I will gladly finish Deresiewicz’s criticism of the art forms around him.

So yesterday I spent much of the day combining many of my To Read lists. I found nearly 300 books I want to read, until my sister, Jamie Holloway, reminded me about my GoodReads list…thanks Sister! Today I updated my Twitter and LinkedIn profiles. I really have gotten to where I agree with Deresiewicz in chapter 4 where he says: Technology claims to save humanity but it actually seems to abolish what is most human, which puts culture against culture.

I didn’t really have to read that to feel how impersonal social media is. I have alienated all my social media accounts except Facebook which I only peruse daily, hoping for something positive to share. I post on my blog when I have something to say because I don’t want to be censored. But in the end, I realize that people are using these tools so if I want to share my ideas on my blog, and want to have people see them, I need to be using social media to reach the people. Who knows? Maybe my faith will be rekindled…or maybe I will still feel more like going to find real people to talk to..either way I need an audience.

I would really love some feedback. If you want to suggest a topic I would love to write about it. Let me know!

Enjoy your day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

If You Knew Me Before

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 5, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

I have come a long way from the shy and hurting girl I once was. I am an emotional abuse and emotional neglect survivor. I don’t intend to give a lot of details because I am trying to stay in the now, where God is with me; not that He wasn’t with me in my past and He wont be with me in the future but He is actually with me now and that is actually where I am now. If you knew me before, you didn’t know me because I was busy trying to survive, which is different than trying to live.

Although I am super excited to have my ability to read back, and I am happy to be able to look for what is missing in me, the downside is that by searching for myself, I am opening chapters that I thought were closed for good. While reading Beloved, Walking in the Wind, Running on Empty and Think Like a Horse, there are parts of me that have been laid bare and I have been struggling with my past. At one point I felt like I was at a 3 day family reunion because whether I was awake or asleep, I was being visited by people I haven’t seen in years.

These people are not bad people, but they remind me of who I used to be: a girl who was scared, defensive, rejected, angry and abandoned; I become her when I am around them even now, so they have never seen the best of me. I have tried to tell them what I needed but, as they were not equipped to help me, they were unable to change at my request. It wasn’t their fault and I don’t hold it against them. I also know that I probably make them feel the same way because the bible says that in the manner we judge we are also judged…and it always seems like when I can be honest with someone about how their behavior makes me feel, they tell me they have felt the same way toward me…And for people who are able to grow with me, we are able to move on and have a deeper relationship.

It has taken a lot of prayer, repentance, and forgiveness (sometimes you have to repeat as necessary) to get myself back to the stronger, more peaceful self that I have grown accustomed to these days. I am so glad that God is always faithful, even when my faith is not big enough.

I can’t compromise anymore. The old me had to do that a lot. Regardless of who’s house I was in, I had to compromise to get by. My parents and siblings had their own trauma experiences and their own needs and vices. I understand that now, even better than I did as a child, but I have needs that I am responsible for and I have less spoons than most people because I have a sick body. It is not selfish to have boundaries, it is necessary and healthy.

I have set my family free and asked God for a clean slate for all of them. I will keep doing this as I need to because forgiveness is necessary in layers sometimes. I love them and pray for them and I mourn the loss of what I wanted and can’t have with them because when you feel scared, defensive, rejected, angry and abandoned, you can’t trust, feel respected or build relationship.

Why am I writing this? Because I need to appreciate the fight for my mental health. I inherited generational muck from wonderful, hardworking, well-meaning people who didn’t have the tools for themselves, let alone me. I didn’t deserve it, but I must handle the aftermath. They love me but our bad habits, make it impossible for me to trust myself around them right now, while I am healing, and maybe I will run out of time while we are all on this earth, to make amends, but I know God is good, and I trust Him and His Holy Spirit in us, and in case any of them are reading this I want them to know that even though I have no energy I can give them right now, I haven’t written them off.

Happy Birthday Jordan!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Sometimes You Have to Fish on the Other Side of the Boat

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 19, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions

I have been very tired this week. Literally most of what I do is sleep. I am sure a lot of that is because my body is fighting the cancer. Yes. We have confirmation after my last procedure that the treatment is working. My body is killing the cancer. The tissue samples in my 2nd procedure were rubbery but my samples from last procedure were soft and brown, which is more normal. That means the IUD and the medication is helping my body get rid of the cancer on its own. If things keep going in this direction, after my next procedure in November we can start spreading out the procedures and maybe even cut back on the meds. This makes me very happy.

We have had a lot of trials to overcome. This week is not without them. My sister, Jamie Holloway, is still in the hospital. She is planning to have surgery on Thursday to have stints put in her lungs on Thursday. She is also confronting the reality that she is at the point that she has to give up much of her freedom. Her doctors want her to go to a group home where she will have round the clock care, which sounds great but she won’t be able to have her cat with her or visitors and she isn’t sure about her books or her internet. These are all her security blankets. She asked my opinion and I started asking questions. Before we could get really anywhere she told me she was going to ask about assisted living where she could have her cat, visitors and internet. I told her I felt that she would not do well in a place that did not let her have these things. She agreed.

I am heartbroken.

I just got off my Zoom appointment with my psychiatrist. He is nice but he isn’t my therapist. He is mainly there to make sure my meds are correct. They are. Even he asked if I had spoken with my therapist about Jamie. I look forward to Monday when I talk to my therapist.

I hadn’t realized how sick my friend was until I saw her in the ICU. It took me seeing her being helped by 2 nurses, knowing that they don’t put you in the ICU for no reason, to know that my friend and I might not get to do some of the adventures we dreamed of.

God gave me this message a few weeks ago. I have been chewing on it for a while. I wasn’t sure what it would look like because I wasn’t ready to write it. I have been reading a lot. I have been trying to live better. Enjoy life better. As our car is still at the shop because we don’t quite have all the money to pay for it and there are programs we have been waiting YEARS for that we know we are eligible for, but for whatever reason we are still waiting for, I could let myself be pretty let down with this side of the boat, but I know that there is another side of the boat.

On the other side of the boat, Jamie is safe. She is cared for and Nicholas, her cat is safe with Jamie’s brother’s family. Karen and I have a roof over our head, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear and we too are safe. We have everything we need. Not only that, we like each other and enjoy each other and many married couples can’t say that. Karen got hired on at another job that she will start this weekend. Although I don’t like her having to have this other job, I appreciate that she is willing to do it so our bills can be paid and we can save for emergencies like the car breaking down. Or better yet, trading this one in for vehicle that works better for us both.

I have been reading all kinds of books lately. I had to leave some people I love on their path because they were taking away from my harmony and balance. It is hard. It doesn’t turn off my love for them but it helps me heal and learn my harmony and balance so I can be a better person. From what I have read, it seems that in many religions there is a higher power or Creator, and the main goal is to learn peace, harmony and balance with others and to learn how to love others which doesn’t always mean staying with people that promote chaos and drama, whether intentional or not. Most religions promote listening over talking. I find this refreshing. Most religions teach a connection with all living things. I feel this. I have always felt this. I don’t believe this takes away from the teachings of Jesus, in fact I think it enlightens them.

Did you know that our Cherokee brothers call our White brothers, brothers? Even with all the terrible lies we told them and everything we took from them, they consider them on their own path. The Cherokee have sacred teachings about everything from the beginning of time that talk about global warming and chronic illness, their teachings and ways would have protected us longer. They believe that their White brothers are just not as advanced on their path. That is how they talk about people that look like me.

I am reading Beloved by Toni Morrison right now too. If you have never read it, it is a novel where most of the characters were slaves at one point in their lives and they were from plantations where the masters were terrible. I have read easier to read stories. This is not one of them. One of the characters says that White people don’t know when to stop.

As I process these different ideas and books I know that not all White people are evil. This is a good time to fish on the other side of the boat. For every evil person, there were people that taught others to read, gave them food, took care of their wounds, gave them jobs and were their friend. There were advocates of every color and creed. There still are.

Why am I doing this? I am searching for myself. When I told certain people I had to leave them, I lost everyone. My family doesn’t reach out to me; they don’t answer me. I felt disconnected. But I am not. Karen is my family. God is my family. Everyone is my family. I am looking for what I don’t know that is missing in me. So I am reading autobiographies, random novels by powerful authors and everyday I am in the bible. I am fishing on the other side of the boat and I am amazed at what I am finding.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Love Anyway

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 16, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions

I can’t sleep. My sister, Jamie Holloway, is in the hospital and I just can’t shut my mind off. She deserves a visitor every day and I wish I could be there but our car broke down on Saturday, on our way home from seeing her, and I just can’t get to her. I know so many people that love her but they are busy people…this world has become so busy. A visit is so hard to come by these days, yet that is what she needs, not a text, a card or another stuffed animal, just someone to sit with her for an hour; maybe make some calls for her because she can’t talk right now, answer some texts because she is having trouble and someone to let her know that she is important enough to give an hour of their time. She can only have one visitor a day. It isn’t like she needs a circus to show up. Even though time is hard, love anyway.

I have never seen Jamie this tired before. She is in the ICU. She can’t tell me why, but it occurred to me that maybe I have gotten used to her way of living, connected to her machines at home. Maybe she needs more care than any of us realize. Maybe Jamie needs more than we all realize. Maybe our Jamie is more fragile than we want to see. She is a warrior, for sure, but she is so tired. I get scared that I might take for granted the time I have left to listen to my friend and love my friend here on earth.

As we were driving home from PeaceHealth Southwest Washington, the traffic was thick on I-5 North, as we got closer to the Clark County Fairgrounds. No fair for 2 years, because of COVID meant everyone was trying to get there. Thankfully that also meant when we heard the belt break and the fan hit the wall of where the engine is, we were not going fast and it was easy to pull over.

It was easily over 80 degrees at about 6 pm. We sat quietly, thinking. I try to give my wife time to do that. She is older than me and I like to not run her over with my fast brain. I wasn’t sure what was going through her head but I knew we didn’t have money for this, which is why we hadn’t reinstated our AAA membership. Our insurance would reimburse us but we still had to put money up for the tow initially so we were back to money, so in my mind we were looking at AAA again. I checked my credit card and it was short the amount to pay for our annual membership. I checked hers and it was enough. I stayed quiet.

At some point a big red truck drove by with a sticker that said, “Fuck Biden,” on it. I felt like I had been punched in the face.

I stayed quiet. (Praying for the president is in the bible, by the way…cursing the president is a bad idea…no matter who you like politically)

I was trying to focus on the beautiful tall grass, blowing in the breeze. The sky was gorgeous! Then some kids got out to throw up in the grass in front of our car and got back in their car and left.

Finally I asked Karen G Clemenson what she was thinking about and she wasn’t really sure. I mentioned that if we didn’t drive this car that the repair might be very affordable. My credit card did not have enough room on it to reinstate our AAA but her’s did; then I stopped and let her chew on that for a bit.

I was watching her melt, so I showed her how to move her visor to block the direct sun. She appreciated that. She was complaining a lot. I was silent. That is one difference between us. I suffer quietly. She doesn’t.

Finally she told me that the AAA idea was probably the best idea. I didn’t bring my headset and my phone is so near death, I am surprised it works at all. I told her she would have to call on her phone and gave her my card with all the information. Soon we were waiting for our tow truck.

While we waited another truck came by. It had a big flag sticking out of the bed that said, “TRUMP 2024 FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!” I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I didn’t want to be quiet anymore. Regardless of your political persuasion why is it ok to not care about people anymore?

Why do we not care about ourselves?

I know that the people that have the word FUCK on their vehicles are not my audience and I am not overly sensitive about that word, although as I get older I tend to agree more and more with my Nana about how much more creative and intelligent people are that choose to use the thousands of other adjectives there are available to us besides that word. But why is loving and caring about people such an inconvenience anymore?

I don’t care about changing the world anymore. I used to and I know now that I can’t do that. I can influence people in front of me. I can change myself. This what I can do. So for those who can afford to send money to far away places and save people you will never meet, I thank God for you. But for everyone else, I ask you, remember the people you see everyday. Or chat with. Make time for the people who can’t leave their home or hospital bed. For every person that says: you don’t matter. Try to tell someone they do matter.

Love Anyway. It’s important.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

There Are Many Ways to Stand

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 25, 2022 | About Summer, Community, Life, Opinions, Queer Community

This weekend I was accused of being a pacifist by someone I consider a child. Not that they weren’t of adult age but they were in their early 20’s, they have never had a job because they are disabled and they still live with their parents. I remember being in my 20’s I thought I knew a lot. I knew some, but I didn’t know what I know now, which is, I know a little more and asking questions is the best way to make sure you understood what someone meant, listening is the best way to hear the whole comment and not speaking at all is sometimes wise. I never could ask this person about themselves because they shouted at me each time I spoke, even though I was talking about myself. I was very confused. But there are many ways to stand.

We were talking about police and it was clear that they did not like the police. They could not understand my stance. I have had little experience with the police but my few experiences were fine. I respect the police. I believe that it is our responsibility to remain calm when dealing with the police. I don’t know what they just dealt with. I don’t need to trigger them, even if I think they stopped me for no reason; which I have never experienced. Since I have training in trauma de-escalation it is my responsibility to use it, even when dealing with the police. I use it with every chance I need to. When people are yelling, I don’t believe they are communicating well. I don’t believe that it is the police officer’s responsibility to make me choose good behavior.

I should mention that the person was part of a group of people who all joined in, it was quite shocking to me; I have never understood group think. I am suddenly being told about systemic racism and male superiority…blah blah blah…Hello! We live in Longview, Washington. That is everywhere, not just at the police station. Eventually I stopped talking because I don’t believe in arguing with people that can’t or wont let me finish my sentences. But that accusation stuck with me. The look on their faces when I had told them that I had just spent the week reading about Gandhi and I just didn’t believe we needed to start out situations fighting…I felt really pushed out.

I have given a lot of thought to that experience. Not everyone thinks the way I do. Not everyone is blessed with the time I have had to be in therapy and to study the bible and be with God as much as I have. Not everyone has been able to read the books I have that have helped me. A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson really answered a question I have had for most of my life: The meaning of life is to unlearn fear and relearn to love. It fit in what was already in my heart. It made sense. Not going to church regularly for the last 20 years has been a blessing because church politics really slows down the process of knowing Jesus. Many people don’t know there is value in these things to even aspire to them.

We are all hurting people. We all have our traumas. The people I was talking to have been hurt. Unlike myself, who didn’t know I was queer until I was almost 40, these people knew their whole lives and they have been shut out, put down and abused by our community. They have had to fight and defend themselves, for being themselves, for years. This is what they know. I understand this for being female and fat and now disabled, but it has only been the last 8 years that I have learned that it is also like this when you are queer and black and sometimes when you have a cat…That is what I felt in my spirit when I was considering my experience. Until we learn to communicate in a different way, we fight. It is just like this for gay people. I have experienced this in lots of situations with people who have experienced trauma.

I think differently because I don’t rely on newspapers and television to feed my mind. I choose positive music, books and people to talk to; I choose my news media very carefully. I talk to God all the time and He loves everyone and He shows me how to have compassion and see other perspectives. I am blessed because I can stand with Him and know I am never alone. It is easy for me to choose peace first.

After coming to peace with the people I had thought were my adversaries but were really hurt people, defending themselves, I wanted to make sure I understood the word Pacifism. I used to throw it around carelessly when I was a young woman but I have learned to not be careless with my words if I can help it.

Pacifism is a commitment to peace and an opposition to violence. Some people who aspire to pacifism believe specifically that war is wrong and that pacifism should also be used to promote social justice and human rights. Gandhi often used the word Ahimsa along with pacifism which some say is like love in action. When I read his autobiography, the best way I understood him was to say it was a perfect love and non-violence. But Gandhi is not the only voice that has told me about being a peacemaker. Jesus spoke of being a peacemaker on the Mount of Olives in Matthew, Chapter 5; Jesus said peacemakers are blessed.

There are 5 Types of Pacifism:

1. Absolute Pacifism
  An absolute pacifist believes that it is never right to take part in war. Their view is that the value of human life never justifies killing a person deliberately, even in self-defence.
2. Militant Pacifism
  Militant pacifists will use every peaceful method at their disposal to oppose violence and war. This may include civil disobedience which may result in imprisonment or even death.
3. Conditional Pacifism
  Conditional pacifists are against war and violence in principle, but they accept that there may be circumstances when war may lead to less suffering.
4. Selective Pacifism
  Selective pacifists only oppose wars involving weapons of mass destruction (nuclear, chemical or biological weapons) because of their uniquely devastating consequences to not only humans, but to all living things. Large scale use of weapons of mass destruction also raises the prospect of the annihilation of humans as a species.
5. Active Pacifism
  Active pacifists advocate peace and argue against violence and war.

According to these precepts I believe that the last three are true for me; Conditional, Selective and Active Pacifism are all true for me but not only in war but in every day life. As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder I am more sensitive than some people and I don’t need a trigger. That is not anyone’s responsibility but my own but because I feel so much I see that we hurt each other so easily. Yelling is violence. Calling names is violence. Refusing to put down our phones and look at each other is neglect. Not letting someone finish their sentence and attacking them before you have heard their whole thought is abuse. We don’t think about these things because we see on TV that people are dismissive, selfish and covetous all the time so we think this is acceptable. It is but it is not beneficial to our health.

The bible says that all things are permissible but not everything is good for us (1 Corinthians 10:23). War is a good way to make money but is it good for life and Godliness? It is good for our mental health and relationships? I do believe that we live in a world of humans and humans require war sometimes. War is unavoidable at times but when I say war I am talking at many levels.

I can always tell when families yell at each other. Their kids scream and their dogs bark uncontrollably. Families that practice listening to each other, speaking kindly, listening to each other, asking questions and making time for conversation have children that are patient and dogs that can wait.

When you are angry with me if you come at me accusing me, I promise you, I will be triggered and I wont hear you because I too have my own trauma experiences. But if you come to me, calmly, and tell me I hurt your feelings we will have a conversation where we will both grown.

If you can remain calm when you are dealing with a police officer, speak kindly, do what you are told, even if you are feel disrespected, your chances of going home are higher than if you are over react or feel like you have to defend yourself now. You can sue them later. I believe there are more good police officers than bad ones; but they are human and they make mistakes, they get tired and they have bad days just like we all do. We all have a responsibility to each other. It is no one’s responsibility to control my behavior but my own and I plan to remain calm and help anyone, if I can, to remain calm too.

In times when war must happen I feel it should be swift and just. Our current situation with Ukraine has me torn. I hear from a friend that knows people that have lived there that the president is not an honest man, that what we are being told is not the truth, that although Putin is not a good man, he is not the devil he has been portrayed as either. This pains my heart. But then I look at media from other countries and it seems to say similar to what the United States media says. This is the confusion that hurts my heart. Because I know that as we pour money into assisting the Ukrainian people, we are hurting United States citizens. We are not unable to tighten our belts and help our neighbor, that is part of war but I really hope that we are helping an honorable cause because I do understand that there are things we are not privy to that may also be true for these people with ties to Ukraine that my friend knows. I can’t help think about how many nukes are in the area and how many people could be hurt. I don’t understand why we have tools of war like that. If we kill everybody, it doesn’t matter who has the power…

…isn’t that the reason that some people terrorize others, whether it is calling names, treating them poorly or killing them, for power? If that is power, I want to stand a different way. I believe in freedom; freedom of choice, speech, religion, to love who you love, to pursue happiness…The only power I want is to be able to choose to control myself.

Defining Pacifism by Mike de Sousa
Pacifism by Andrew Fiala for Standford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2018

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake!

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 15, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Essential Oils, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving

This has been a hard week.

I have thought about writing but decided to do my bible study before I wrote and each time decided I would put it off because I was not right and I didn’t want to write the wrong thing. Knowing when to not say anything is wisdom too.

Today I found the scripture that captured how I have felt and still feel a bit. I am so thankful that God is so faithful! He is so patient and helpful when we keep pushing into Him for guidance and healing.

I can see now that I set myself up for failure. I can blame no one but myself.

I chose to get my final COVID-19 booster on Saturday. I have been exhausted and my arm has been in more pain that I remember from most immunizations but Frankincense and Peppermint have proven to be the best helper.

I chose to visit a church that was an offshoot of a church I have been to before that I know has cult-like beliefs. I wanted to believe they would be different. They have amazing worship but their teachings are not entirely biblical. I know this. I was hurting a lot and I wanted to be healed even though God has told me that no one would ever be allowed to prophesy over me or heal me. I let them anyway and brought home someone’s spiritual junk.

My neurologist has been adjusting my anti-convulsants, hoping to address my Trigeminal Neuralgia with a medicine we are currently using to control my migraines. It seems to affect my moods until my body is used to the new dosage. I can see and feel this. I should stay off Facebook while we do this but I chose to become part of a conversation I should have stayed out of. Instead, a comment I made that was not fully thought about became a huge thing and one of my sibling’s adult children used a comment they used to use to hurt me. I am glad I showed restraint in my response because the next day when I looked at their comment again, I realized they were being 20 years old and not being malicious.

But PTSD had taken hold of me.

This comment had done its damage and they might as well have sliced me in two so I could have had Karen G Clemenson send pictures to my oncologist to see if my cancer was still there. I have been fighting with old feelings all week. Forgiving was painfully hard and didn’t seem to be working like usual. The pain would not go away. It has been very hard to function but I have succeeded to do my workouts on most days, do my bible studies, get laundry done and cook healthy meals…not much more.

I have worked though a lot of things and God reminded me that I don’t have to visit any churches this coming weekend so I can rest a bit more from the stress I caused myself and be able to enjoy some time with Karen on her days off. He never did say I had to join a church, that is something I crave. A family, but I have issues with family and He isn’t done working on me…

One thing that was a turning point for me this week, that really helped me stop focusing so much on my pain was the miracle that Jamie has found a doctor that will help her with her collapsed lung. You can learn more about what she is going through in her article called Update on June Goal! Jamie Holloway has been my best friend and sister for many years and I love her so much. When I need someone to listen or tell me the truth she is always there to listen and pray. She knows my heart, doesn’t feel the need to be defensive with me, and knows me better than most people so her struggle with getting enough oxygen hurts my heart. I pray every day that God heal her lungs and throat. I admire her strength and determination to have the best life she can even in the most scare circumstances.

So…I choose to forgive myself for putting too much on my plate and expecting too much out of myself and setting myself up for failure and I trust myself to the Holy Spirit that loves me and wants to see me whole by the grace of God. Amen

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Life Being Beautiful

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 9, 2022 | About Summer, Community, Opinions

I find it interesting that I can learn something from any situation if I look hard enough. There is always a message. For instance the last novel I read, The Lost Apothecary by Sarah Penner, got me to think about my bosom friend and how she has spoken life into me and helped me to not give up on what makes me really happy. The other night my wife and I went out to a public place for dinner for the first time since COVID-19 and it was so inspiring. I saw many lovely people and saw life being beautiful there too. The picture above is from last night. We were glad to hear our friend Jeff Hamilton play his great music and get a picture with him afterwards.

Life is not without struggle. It is meant to be that way. That is how we learn and grow. But there is also moments of joy and peace and we must enjoy those times too. When I got sick in 2014, I never thought it would take this long to get to where I am now, I never thought I would only be this far on my wellness journey, I didn’t even really know what a wellness journey was. There are parts of me I lost back then that are not going to come back and I am glad. They were not the best parts of me. They didn’t serve me or anyone else to their growth. But there were parts of me that I needed and I have missed them and I thought I would never have them back.

I can’t tell you how happy I am to have my migraines more under control than ever. Even knowing that I have always had them is helpful. To not know you are in pain is a different kind of struggle. But to learn how to live without that constant pull and strain in your body is a special kind of peace. The ability to pay attention and focus again has given me the ability to feed my brain positive things when I desperately need it. I had been able to handle my small bible studies but now I can go longer and I can read books that inspire me and lift me up when Veda is here or I am bored. When I was a child, I always had a book on me. So reading is something I have always enjoyed and something I really missed. I come from people who read. This was normal to me; not what I had become. Not being able to read probably fed Veda’s visits more and made me more unhappy with my possible future but now I can go on adventures my body could never go on and my brain can be fed and I am happy.

Part of the journey that the character, Caroline, was on in The Lost Apothecary, that her friend helped her see was that she had buried away what she really wanted to do. My own best bosom friend and sister, Jamie Holloway has done for me what I have done for her this same way. Years ago I built JamieChasesButterflies.com for her to write whatever she wanted to write. I knew she needed to communicate and I knew how to build websites. Through the years she has flourished and her writing has improved, while her communication has soared. She too encouraged me to build a blog for myself. It didn’t make sense for me at the time. I couldn’t read and I was anxious after being online too long so it took a long time for me to listen to her but eventually it helped me to have a place where I could collect a lot of my writings from many online platforms. As I have been able to focus, my blog is something I write in several times a week. It is something I need to do. Writing is something I need to do.

I was talking to my wife, Karen G Clemenson, about that yesterday and she agreed that out of all my hobbies, writing was something she could see that I need to do. It brings me more joy and peace. I still enjoy cooking and it is a practical thing to do to feed my family. I still enjoy crocheting and I will still work on projects as long as my hands hold out. I love to sing but my voice is big I tend to keep it to myself while we live in multi-family dwellings so I don’t bother people…but writing is something I can do and love to do and have always loved to do and reading, well it just seems to make it easier to get words out when I have fed so many words into my brain.

The other night Karen and I went to the Broadway Barrel Room on 14th Ave and Commerce in Longview, Washington. It was previously known to local Longviewites as Cassava. The service was absolutely amazing! They didn’t really change the decor much from the previous owners except for the bar, but it is still gorgeous in there. Great for live music! It was great to see the live musicians. It had been so long since we had been able to enjoy this!

Live music was performed by Matt Smith, Judah Young, Erik Nordin, Jeff Hamilton and the Broadway Boyz.

I have been friends with Jeff Hamilton for years and I remember when I first saw him perform at an open mic at Evangel Christian Fellowship, over 20 years ago. He was this gangly kid but when he sang he came to life. I had never seen anyone play the guitar the way does up to that point. I had never seen anyone show his heart the way he does when he performs and he has only gotten better. The real joy of this show is that his real heart, is not to be a big fancy famous star but a teacher. I watched him giving inspiration to the young musicians, showing them his way of being comfortable sharing between songs, touching the crowd, giving himself to the music and the onlookers, making jokes, talking about the songs he had written for his children, enjoying the children in the room and encouraging them to join him in songs they knew. I would say that people are Jeff’s inspiration but music is his tool.

The cool thing about going out in public is that you get opportunities to react to people and interact with them. I loved the way a lady in the restroom needed to share with me how touched she was by the children singing with Jeff. I also found people to pray for. I didn’t ask them. They didn’t ask me but I could see they could use it so I silently interceded for them. I guess that is what I do too. I pray for people.

Jeff mentioned that I do a lot and I used to do a lot. Now I go a lot slower than I did before I got sick. I didn’t plan on living to be old. I didn’t want to. I figured I wasn’t going to marry or have children so I needed to leave a legacy another way. I worked hard until I got too sick. Somewhere in all that being sick God changed my mind. Now I want to be 80 years old some day and I am still thinking positive about being a mother and grandmother. I have been a wife for over 8 years now and I enjoy it. I have learned to choose peace and joy more than ever and my life is better all the time because God has helped me see the good and focus on that.

Jeff was correct though. Prayer is important. I do it every day and I do it whenever I feel it needs to be done. He too has helped me find a quiet in myself that wasn’t there before. Some of us have to work hard to find peace and joy and he and I have that in common. There are many gifts in life, mostly people that help make life being beautiful.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Happy Independence Day from me and who I Used to be..

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 4, 2022 | About Summer, Opinions

Today is an important day for The United States. Today is the day we celebrate our Independence Day from oppression and whether or not you feel as though we free from oppression, we are more free today than we have been and some of the lack of freedom we feel now is more in our mind than in actuality. We should stop at think about that for a moment and be thankful. That is a big statement but in reality, at least in my reality it is a true statement.

I Used to be a Person Who Thought She Hated People

When I was 20 years old I got a job at Lane Bryant in the Three Rivers Mall. Within a month, I was excited to be promoted to a co-manager position. I was an angry young woman. I had a lot I needed to deal with that I didn’t even have words for but I felt as if the black sticker with white letters in all caps that said I HATE PEOPLE said it all. I put it on my locker thinking how proud I was to be able to communicate my feelings. Almost immediately my boss made me take it down, so I put it inside my locker. Next she offered to write me up if I didn’t get rid of it. We worked in a job that relied on serving people. I was a leader and how was I supposed to lead people if they thought I hated them. I had never thought about that before. I have never forgot that conversation.

Since then I have been through a lot. A lot of therapists. A lot of medications. A lot of relationships. A lot of life experiences and you know what? I don’t hate people. I love them. I was scared of them. I was scared of me. I was scared of the truth. I was scared of life.

I was raised by a single parent that had their own issues. They deserve a shirt full of medals considering all the barriers they were having to overcome: mental illness without names, proper treatments or health insurance to cover any of it, having little to no help from their ex-spouse, having their own shortcomings…I could go on but I am sure you get the idea. My family is intelligent, hard-working and generous but they are far from perfect; there are layers of dysfunction that go back for generations even though each generation gets better.

I was taught to be afraid of everything. So I was.

But you know what? Remembering that the point of life is to learn to love and to overcome fear really helps. Forgiving myself and the people that have hurt me, even if I don’t know them, really helps. God did not tell me to save the world. The world is His and He has already overcome the world. He told me to be of good cheer (John 16:33). What I am supposed to do is let Him change my mind and as He does that I will change the world through my interactions with others.

Being angry and afraid all the time only makes me sick and tired and then I am useless. So I pray for the situations that make me feel angry, afraid, sad and even happy and wait to see if I am supposed to do anything else. Sometimes I am supposed to write something; maybe for my own good or for the good of someone who might benefit from reading what I have learned. God told us to focus on whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8) beating a dead horse because we are angry is not going to bring the dead horse back. Beating up a dead animal is also just going to mess up our look and who wants to look like that?…

I Used to be a Person Who Wanted to Die

Depression may be part of my natural chemical make up but it could have been a learned trait too. The parent that raised me was depressed a lot and often felt as though death was an option. I don’t believe they ever acted on it but it was a regular thought. There are a lot of behaviors I have had to unlearn as an adult that I learned growing up. Children raised by a mentally ill parent are often taught the coping skills of their parent as normal. They either have the same mental illness or they have learned behaviors. I do not have the same mental illness as my parent. I have been able to unlearn some of the unhealthy coping skills I was raised with with a lot of therapy, prayer and will power. But it took me moving away and a good friend telling me my behavior was not normal for me to realize that people didn’t melt into a puddle in the hallway without the ability to function or move when they were overwhelmed for me to start looking at my behaviors.

I spent most of my extra time in high school, when I wasn’t in classes, working my 3 part time jobs or chauffeuring my siblings around or cleaning or cooking, studying child abuse and the Holocaust. I am not sure why but I was infatuated. I am sure this was part of the reason I was so depressed. It probably didn’t help. I remember the first time I really wanted to die. I had a pair of old hair cutting scissors in my hand. I was going to shred my wrist. I had been crying and praying. I was on my knees on the floor. I had the scissors in my right hand. As my right hand moved toward my left wrist I felt a hand grab my right wrist and hold tight. I literally could not move my right arm. It held me tight until I fell into more sobs onto the floor. I was alone. I knew that was the hand of God.

I was suicidal off and on from the age of 16 until I was about 25 regularly. But each time I felt it come on I thought about who would find me and what that would do to them. Even though I was miserable I knew that killing myself would hurt other people and I didn’t want to do that. I had a friend that attempted suicide several times and it hurt me so bad that she would be so selfish that at one time I told her if she wanted to die so bad, give me a call and let me do it. I didn’t really want to kill her, I just wanted her to know how badly it hurt me. It never stopped her from attempting.

Every now and then I have a moment where I feel that panic but it is very rare and usually it is triggered by a big stressor. I tell my wife, Karen G Clemenson, and my sister, Jamie Holloway, about it and they pray for me and we talk. I don’t want to die anymore but it is good to have support. I am not afraid to die but I don’t need to facilitate it. Since I named my depression, Veda, it doesn’t seem to have the same power over me. I announce that Veda is here and she doesn’t seem to stay long. I am still in control.

I Used to be a Person That Didn’t Know What I Wanted

I was 35 years old before I occurred to me that I didn’t know what I wanted. I had always been told what I wanted. If my ideas were not accepted at home, they were stupid. I didn’t like being told that so I stopped talking and just put my head down and went to work. But I didn’t know how to do anything but go to work. The problem with that was that I had had to move back home and I really needed to leave but I just didn’t know how to make that happen. When you don’t have a vision you can’t make it happen.

I had tools and knowledge but I was still very afraid.

I am so happy that I have more tools and more knowledge and I have overcome many more fears. I don’t have all the answers yet. I am sure I never will but I know that I want to live in world that thrives in honesty and authenticity. In my world it is ok to say I am not ok today. It is acceptable to warn people that I might snap at them and I am not angry at them but my head really hurts. In my world it is ok to cancel plans because you are not well enough to do them. It is ok to say no. It is ok to choose to not become friends with someone because they need more than you can give or not give your cell phone number out to people that don’t understand that you have a phobia of the phone and they can’t not abuse the privilege of having your number. In my world a discussion isn’t a fight because I don’t like to fight but I do like to know what you think so I know your boundaries better and what is a safe topic to talk about and I want to be able to set safe topic boundaries with you as well.

I naturally want to be a protector. I have thrown myself in front of a lot of people to my detriment and I am learning to choose more wisely when to do that. I am learning better how to protect myself because that is a person that I didn’t protect well in the past. But protecting is different than hiding. Hiding is for people who are afraid. Protecting is for people that are making healthy decisions and I want to be that person.

When I was a child I wanted to be wife and mother, a teacher, a singer and dancer. When I became an adult I wanted to be a web designer, business owner, a good wife and a grandmother. I have in one way or another been everything but a mother and grandmother. Good writer…well that is a perspective and I am writing most days so I guess I am working on it. My wife tells me I am a good wife and she is the one I should ask. So we will keep working on finances and we will head toward fostering and see what happens along the way. God has amazing ways of making families and He always gives us our heart’s desire.

I Used to a Person That Was Less Free

As I have set down fears and picked up more love, learned to forgive more easily and let life happen without worrying about what I can’t control (as much) I feel so much more free. I wanted to be Wonder Woman when I was growing up. I thought I could save the world but now I just want to grow and influence those around me for the better, as God wants me to.

Now I know at a more deeper level that God is the Wonder and I am just one of His kids and I am happy with that. When He wants to use me for a miracle, I am available but I have come to realize that miracles are often not huge, but small and significant wonders that mean a whole heck of a lot to someone if they are looking for them.

You are a miracle. The fact that you read this is a miracle. I hope it blessed you. I know what I was going to write was not this and then God reminded me who I am today. You see holidays tend to remind people with traumatic pasts who they used to be and I woke up thinking I was back there until His still small voice reminded me that we had worked through a lot of that I am here now and I live in a much more peaceful and joyful time and I have chosen forgiveness so many times so I don’t need to relive my trauma anymore. I need to remind myself how strong I am and how far He has brought me.

Today is my Independence Day. I hope it is yours too.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Love My New Neurologist

by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 29, 2022 | About Summer, Chronic Illness, Opinions, Wellness

I can’t say I wasn’t just a little nervous yesterday about meeting my new neurologist but I can tell you after meeting Dr. Kathleen Parks at PeaceHealth in Vancouver, I love my new neurologist! You might recall from my posts: Medical Issues and I Believe in Miracles where I spoke about my terrible experiences with my first neurologist where I felt bullied and definitely not heard. That is not the case with Dr. Parks. She not only asked me questions, she let me answer them. She examined me, she touched me, watched me walk and gave great feedback.

She had read my chart and was prepared for me. She agreed that I have probably had migraines for most of my life. She heard me that I was seeing success with my current medications. She appreciated that I still have headaches but they are manageable. When she asked me about the Trigeminal Neuralgia symptoms I told her I was having a flair now, that flossing and brushing my teeth was very painful, sometimes eating and drinking was painful but most of my episodes were only 1-3 seconds since I had been on the medications for my migraines. She let me know that I would have to be medicated all the time for this and since one of the meds we are currently using to treat my migraines is an anti-convulsant and I am not taking the highest dose, she wanted to try to raise the dose a bit to see if that helps with my daily headaches and helps control the face pain too. I agreed that was a good idea.

Although my episodes are getting longer; I had one that as 5 seconds long while flossing my teeth today, I am going to wait to start adjusting my meds until Sunday because it is easier for me to remember when I made a change if I do it when I refill our pill sorters. Lucky for me, I am not driving right now and I don’t floss my teeth when I am driving anyway. LOL! That was my main concern because when the episodes are worse, I don’t see how I could drive because the pain is so excruciating I would not want to cause a car accident.

I am so thankful that my sister, Jamie Holloway, encouraged me to fight for me. I knew from my first meeting with my first neurologist that it wasn’t a good fit but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because people have bad days and maybe it would get better as we got to know each other, but it did not get better so I had to advocate for myself. Now I have a neurologist that I can tell cares about me and wants to help me have a better quality of life.

I am so thankful that I had a day with Karen too! Her new position as the Safety and Sanitation Officer at Safeway is really making her happy. It is the perfect job for her nervous energy and she gets to interact with every department which works well with her desire to be nosey and helpful too. Plus it is a job that can be done every day so it was helpful to us that she was able to get the day off yesterday and make it up on Saturday. We had a nice time driving to Vancouver and back and even got to take a family nap together which Xavier, our cat loved. I heard him purring as his Mama joined us.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

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I Used to be a Person Who Thought She Hated People

I Used to be a Person Who Wanted to Die

I Used to be a Person That Didn’t Know What I Wanted

I Used to a Person That Was Less Free

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