by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 21, 2022 | About Summer, Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving
There used to be a screaming in my head all the time. She was very angry all the time and very distracting. Through therapy and seeking medical treatment for migraines and mental illness and practicing my own solitude, I rarely hear the screaming and usually it is during high stress times and I can name my trigger and use my tools to make it stop. Learning to think is so important. Learning to be at peace with myself and make decisions has saved my life. Now I am looking for a part of myself in books. I know I am a whole person as I am, but I feel like there is something I am missing and I feel like I will find it in a book somewhere.
As I shared in my last post, A New Chapter, I have been reading a collection of essays by William Deresiewicz entitled The End of Solitude. In one of an articles called Birthrights he writes:
“Anti-semitism is foundational to Christianity and endemic to Western art and thought.”
In case you didn’t know (I didn’t) endemic means: regularly found among a particular people or in a certain area. This is a very strong statement.
Deresiewicz is Jewish by nationality, born and raised in New York, who in tenth grade of his yeshiva school, got his hands on a book by Sigmund Freud that changed his mind about there being a god at all. He has been at peace with being an atheist ever since. Let me reiterate that I am at peace with this statement too. I have no judgement here, although I am a Christian, I believe in freedom of choice and I applaud Deresiewicz’s bravery. For him, Judaism is not just a religion, it is his family history.
I was pondering these thoughts from last night, even today, as I began my bible study and then I read my first bible verse and I felt so overjoyed:
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.
James 1:17
I haven’t really been a regular church goer for about 20 years. I think it is because I can feel the same level of humanity that comes shooting at me from Deresiewicz’s statement above. I couldn’t grow anymore in my relationship with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit in a room of people that didn’t really want to grow and in an organization that wasn’t really designed for growth. This too is a harsh statement. I miss fellowship and sometimes I slip into a building and enjoy worship but I know I don’t fit there, so I don’t stay.
The last church I went to had a row of 4 computers right in front of the doors for my donating ease and they even passed the baskets after a reminder of how important it was to tithe. Recently, I even saw an invitation on Facebook to a church where they list one of the goals of this meeting was a particular amount of donations. Don’t get me wrong I give to people even if it isn’t in the form of a check to a church and God knows. Jesus never carried a money bag but He did feed people and He loved them.
Neither church addressed the needs of the people living on the streets, any needs at the shelters, needs for volunteer visitors at nursing homes or hospice, anyone to help seniors and widows keep up their yards or any other need in the community. No one talked about volunteers to help coach people who need help reading or practicing their English. There was no mention of people to help at the food banks or to collect school supplies for the students who need it.
In my opinion our churches are not doing their job. I don’t care how pretty their structures are. I do like good music but I don’t care how high tech their sound board is…
I think Deresiewicz’s statement is so true because like Marianne Williamson says in her book A Return to Love, “…to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.” In order to do this we must let go of our fears and relearn love.
What is anti-semitism, judgement and hatred but offshoots of fear? If we recognize that we are afraid and we face it, learn what we are ignorant about, and make a new decision, a choice to love, than another man’s belief is not overwhelming, it is not scary, it is just his belief. Maybe we will talk about it or maybe we will talk about other things. Learning why we are afraid and making new choices gives us more options and I belief these too, are good and perfect gifts from above that come down from my Father of lights.
Commercialism is not a a Christian standard. It is right on the spectrum with coveting…and even though Jesus came to free us from the law, the 10 commandments are still worthy of glancing at.
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” Jesus said to him, “’You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind,’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Matthew 22:36-40
Jesus came to fulfill all the prophecies and free us from the law. This may be one of many reasons why it is so hard to be an Orthodox Jew. There are 613 laws in the Bible and thousands more elaborated by rabbis. (Chapter 38 — Birthrights — The End of Solitude by William Deresiewicz)
It isn’t nearly as hard to be a devout Christian as we think it is. You love God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself. That is only hard if you are full of fear and hate…but if you spend more time with God, He will take care of that. I know my alone time with God has grown me up in ways I never imagined. There is no variation or shadow of turning in His love. For that I am thankful always!
Bless you!
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 16, 2022 | Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving
I have been called many things in my life and they are not all good but because I have spent a lot of time with my Father in heaven I know who I am and I hope you know who you are. That doesn’t mean I don’t need a reminder sometimes and that is why I find it is really important to find time for time in the word and time to just talk to God. These times can be one, in the same, but really they are very different for me.
I woke up knowing I was supposed to write today but I couldn’t figure out how to connect parts of my life to a message until I was done with my bible study today. Right now I have a list of scriptures about Abundance and list of verses about Identity, as well as a devotional I follow daily. When I get bored with this I will change it up, what is important is that I am in the word. I don’t know how to explain it other than, I just feel more balanced when I am in the word, even if it is only for a few minutes every day. I talk to God throughout the day and night, but that time that I set aside in the word makes a huge difference in my mindset for the day.
…praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints…Ephesians 6:18
I have been rather blue for several days and yesterday I realized that part of my depression was that I was listening to lies from the deceiver and I finally told Jesus I didn’t want to hear this anymore and He took care of it. I know I can tell satan to go but I don’t like talking to them so I always go to the one who chose me, saved me and loves me most.
You know what? It always works! Prayer always works…and today…my main reason for being on Facebook shone bright: to encourage. I found several people that needed prayer, so I prayed for them, I found several really cool and encouraging things to share and I am still chewing on the idea that a random person I found myself praying for several weeks ago, posted that they had begun reading their bible in the morning and it was helping them with their day…because what if my prayer was the one that God agreed with to encourage them to change their morning routine? I am already happy they are having more balance in their life but it still blows my mind when I consider that I could impact someone’s life for the good.
Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19
This is a big verse for me today and although I don’t usually share my prayers today I will share part of mine:
God, this world is hard to imagine reconciling. I see that You have reconciled us to You through Jesus and I thank You so much but there is so much division. I trust You because You are the author and finisher of my faith and You are my strength and You empower my to do Your will. Since I can’t see the path, I praise You and thank You for whatever You plan to do through me. Amen
I am so glad that God doesn’t expect perfection from me because, He knows I can’t give it to Him. I try, but I am only human and my emotions and imperfections get in the way. In spite of that He takes what I have and makes it work. He does that for us all because we are all His favorite kids. Why do you need to talk to Him and be in the word? Because that is how you know who you are.
This world lies to us every day, 24-7. It tells us we aren’t good enough. We are failures. We are stupid. We can only fail. We are only able to hurt people. Nothing we do is enough. We will never have enough pretty things. We will never have enough time. We can never undo the bad things we did or will do. It keeps us looking at others to judge them instead of cleaning up our own messes…And if we only listen to the world, this is true…but when we listen to the one who created us, who knows our hearts and loves us, as we are, we are perfect and He is responsible for the changes that will come, in time.
Doesn’t that sound more peaceful? All I am responsible for is to give Him my stress, thank Him for my blessings and let Him change my heart and mind..Let go of my anger, hurts, depression and thank Him again and somewhere in there people will see me change and they might change too. That is how salvation works. No smoke and mirrors, just love between a loving Father and a child that trying to learn how let go of the things that aren’t helping them anymore and rely on Him more and more.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 29, 2022 | Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving
I had a perfect Saturday with Karen G Clemenson. We got to have a leisurely morning, we dropped off a book at the library, mailed a letter, and drove around the lake on a perfect day, in our now working car, listening to Raeann Phillips until we found our friends for their anniversary picnic. We had a great time celebrating with them and met some lovely people…and then we went to Walmart to pick up a few things we needed. Where whether we were in our car, with a cart or without and on foot I heard a still, quiet voice tell me to stop several times because people in cars, on foot and with or without carts were not going to stop whether we had the right of way or not, in fact they weren’t seeing us at all. Which leads me to say a prayer for your eyes.
Although my Saturday was perfect, I have been under spiritual attack since then which has triggered fibromyalgia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and overall inflammation throughout my body that is painful. I haven’t been aware of spiritual attack in a very long time. I am aware that while reading Walking on the Wind, Beloved and Running on Empty I have opened up some old chapters in my life. I also know that letter I mailed on Saturday might be taken at face value and it will be a blessing or it might not and therefore, cause strife, which will break my heart. Our actions always have consequences and even our best of intentions don’t mean anything if people can’t see the way we do.
Today in my bible study one of my verses was:
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has encouraged Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted. To proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set the liberty to those who are oppressed; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”
Luke 4:18-19
I still remember the eyes on those people, especially the ones in the cars, because they were the scariest, they were not there. Their eyes were empty and they were driving. I know I have the luxury of being more sensitive that many. I don’t work because I am sick. I sleep when I want to. I don’t watch TV very much because it stresses me out. I get to choose peace unless I am out in the world and it is easy for me to go back to my quiet music and essential oils and books when I am tired of the loud noises, lights and sounds. It is easy for me to wonder why people are too busy to not see each other.
While we were shopping I stuck to my list and I only had 2 more items, that were right next to each other, and right in front of an older gentleman wearing a mask. I chose not to wear a mask but I was keenly aware that he wore a mask for a reason, so I chose to give him his space while he read every bottle in front of him, only to eventually walk away. I pretended to read salad dressing bottles but I didn’t need any and I am a terrible actress about things I don’t need. But he did come back around and wave at me and I could see his eyes crinkle into a smile on top of his mask while I grabbed my two items and started for the cash register.
I have a friend that has been really hurt by people all his life, especially by people that were supposed to care about him and by Christians. He shares a lot of his feelings on Facebook about what churches are not doing to help the people that actually need help and I can’t say I don’t disagree with most of what he posts. It breaks my heart. As I watch Christians post their self-worship, while homeless camps still exist I know their eyes are being blinded by something. One Christian asked me about my “sin lifestyle” and I was so hurt. God doesn’t say I have that problem. But He does say we aren’t supposed to hide sexual predators in churches and in our communities, and we do, there is some sight problems there.
An old colleague posted on Facebook about an event that I have no proof of happening, that really hurt my heart. In his post people were hurt, there was a lot of chaos in Longview, and it seems that there was a lot of cover up that happened because the right people were in the right place to make sure it wasn’t spoken about. I might have passed on gossip and if I did, please forgive me. This might be a terrible fable. But it might have some truth it too. But whether this is a true story or a fable, can you see where sight is important?
Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
James 4:7
That was another part of my bible study today. I have been working on that since Saturday night. Forgiving everyone I can think of, even myself. Repenting for anything that pops into my head. I was in a really scary place, emotionally and it was really making my physical pain worse. But today I slept until I was ready to wake up. I did my workout and my bible study and I think, even though I do that every day, this was the message I needed to really understand, what I needed to see, that I had already seen and what I needed to pray about.
The bible says to keep our prayers between ourselves and God, and not stand on the street and look important so I am going to keep it simple here. I am just going to ask you to pray for all our eyes; that we start seeing like Jesus so we know where to go and what to do.
You are important and worth seeing and so is EVERYONE ELSE. Jesus spent most of His time with the lowest of the low…don’t forget that. He made us all the same.
Be blessed.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.
If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 15, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Essential Oils, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving
3 For the enemy has persecuted my soul; He has crushed my life to the ground; He has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long been dead.
4 Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed.
5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the works of Your hands.
6 I spread out my hands to You; My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah
7 Answer me speedily, O Lord: My spirit fails! Do not hide Your face from me, lest I be like like those who go down into the pit.
8 Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift my soul to You.
9 Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; In You I take shelter.
10 Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Your Spirit is good.
11 Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake! For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.
Psalm 143:3-11
This has been a hard week.
I have thought about writing but decided to do my bible study before I wrote and each time decided I would put it off because I was not right and I didn’t want to write the wrong thing. Knowing when to not say anything is wisdom too.
Today I found the scripture that captured how I have felt and still feel a bit. I am so thankful that God is so faithful! He is so patient and helpful when we keep pushing into Him for guidance and healing.
I can see now that I set myself up for failure. I can blame no one but myself.
I chose to get my final COVID-19 booster on Saturday. I have been exhausted and my arm has been in more pain that I remember from most immunizations but Frankincense and Peppermint have proven to be the best helper.
I chose to visit a church that was an offshoot of a church I have been to before that I know has cult-like beliefs. I wanted to believe they would be different. They have amazing worship but their teachings are not entirely biblical. I know this. I was hurting a lot and I wanted to be healed even though God has told me that no one would ever be allowed to prophesy over me or heal me. I let them anyway and brought home someone’s spiritual junk.
My neurologist has been adjusting my anti-convulsants, hoping to address my Trigeminal Neuralgia with a medicine we are currently using to control my migraines. It seems to affect my moods until my body is used to the new dosage. I can see and feel this. I should stay off Facebook while we do this but I chose to become part of a conversation I should have stayed out of. Instead, a comment I made that was not fully thought about became a huge thing and one of my sibling’s adult children used a comment they used to use to hurt me. I am glad I showed restraint in my response because the next day when I looked at their comment again, I realized they were being 20 years old and not being malicious.
But PTSD had taken hold of me.
This comment had done its damage and they might as well have sliced me in two so I could have had Karen G Clemenson send pictures to my oncologist to see if my cancer was still there. I have been fighting with old feelings all week. Forgiving was painfully hard and didn’t seem to be working like usual. The pain would not go away. It has been very hard to function but I have succeeded to do my workouts on most days, do my bible studies, get laundry done and cook healthy meals…not much more.
I have worked though a lot of things and God reminded me that I don’t have to visit any churches this coming weekend so I can rest a bit more from the stress I caused myself and be able to enjoy some time with Karen on her days off. He never did say I had to join a church, that is something I crave. A family, but I have issues with family and He isn’t done working on me…
One thing that was a turning point for me this week, that really helped me stop focusing so much on my pain was the miracle that Jamie has found a doctor that will help her with her collapsed lung. You can learn more about what she is going through in her article called Update on June Goal! Jamie Holloway has been my best friend and sister for many years and I love her so much. When I need someone to listen or tell me the truth she is always there to listen and pray. She knows my heart, doesn’t feel the need to be defensive with me, and knows me better than most people so her struggle with getting enough oxygen hurts my heart. I pray every day that God heal her lungs and throat. I admire her strength and determination to have the best life she can even in the most scare circumstances.
So…I choose to forgive myself for putting too much on my plate and expecting too much out of myself and setting myself up for failure and I trust myself to the Holy Spirit that loves me and wants to see me whole by the grace of God. Amen
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 23, 2022 | Cancer, Prayers & Thanksgiving
I was supposed to have a D&C on Monday. If you don’t know what that is. It is short for Dilation and Cutterage and it is exactly what it sounds like. It would have been my third one since I got my endometrial cancer diagnosis. The reason I didn’t have the procedure is that my insurance doesn’t want to cover the possibility that the IUD would have to be replaced at the end of the procedure.
Because my cancer is in stage 1 and class 1 we are treating my cancer with a D&C every 3 months, placement of a Molina IUD to help balance my hormones in hopes that my body will fight off the cancer on it’s own and then with the highest dose of Megestrol I can take every day. My insurance doesn’t want to cover an IUD that should last 5 years but it has to be removed for the procedure plus normal wear and tear sometimes makes it so that it must be replaced sooner. I can see why my insurance company is saying no.
I have a lot of doctor bills. They actually are probably pretty normal for a middle class family but we are not a middle class family. We have filled out all the applications for assistance but it seems like it still takes a lot of phone calls and time to get the wheels moving to get grants to help. I can understand this too. Right now, Legacy is concerned about the size of my account. I don’t blame them. I make payments each month but it all takes time and money and I have time and very little money.
I can see why we have been rescheduled for August for my next procedure. This procedure is the pivotal moment. This is the one that tells us whether the treatment has worked or if we need to talk about more serious options. This also gives us time to get assistance in order. It also let’s Karen start at her new promotion, get trained and receive her raise and work with her union. It may be that adding me to her insurance and having her insurance cover what mine won’t is the answer. We will see.
I am excited for Karen’s promotion. She has worked so hard for this. She loves it! And I get to see her more…plus it even leaves her more time to work with clients so she can still work on her dream of being a personal trainer. It’s a win-win all around.
When I do have my next procedure, if there isn’t enough change to see that the treatment is working we will have to plan for a laparoscopic hysterectomy. This surgery means I would have to essentially be upside down on the table for the procedure and that will put a lot of pressure on my lungs. If it seems that my body can’t handle this, the procedure will be cancelled and we will have to stop and plan for something else.
I am not a candidate for a vaginal hysterectomy. My uterus is very enlarged and I am very narrow. There is not enough room to safely remove my uterus without making sure all the blood vessels are handled correctly so that I don’t bleed out on the table. I appreciate that my doctor doesn’t want me to die during surgery. That doesn’t sound fun for either of us.
If the laparoscopic surgery doesn’t work we have to talk about an abdominal removal of my female organs which is dangerous and increases the risk of infection. We can also consider radiation. I am not wanting to consider either of these options but I will if I have to.
I am asking you to pray for me and my wife. She is good at wearing a strong face but I know she is worried. I am a stubborn woman and short of death, I will fight through no matter what but I worry about Karen. I don’t like pain but I am used to pain…although that doesn’t mean I want more.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 15, 2022 | About Summer, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving
I sometimes feel bombarded. The world has so much pain in it and there is so much to forgive. I recently got into a debate with an unwilling person on Facebook and I feel bad about that. I know they are dealing with a lot of past trauma. They are in the venting mode and lately my newsfeed is inundated with the negative memes and messages they feel they need to share with the world as they tell every bad thing that ever happened to them. I usually can overlook this because I understand they are on their own journey and this part of their path, but I am human too.
I chose to step out of my normal supportive mode and challenge them when they suggested that everyone needed to rush over to Hulu and watch a documentary about the evils of tourism. Something in me had to speak. I had to tell them that I don’t watch every documentary and read every negative thing in the world because I can’t feed the part of me that enjoys evil.
In my past I had many fractured parts of me, a coping mechanism that my brain used to handle the stress of my life and through prayer and therapy I have been able to be healed of most of those fractures, but I had a few that didn’t want to leave. I decided to name them so that I could regain control of myself. One of them, I named Gula, another word for gluttony, because she loves evil and she is never satisfied. Since I named her, she seems to be gone. I love that by telling God I didn’t want to be afraid of her, and giving her a name she lost her power.
I tried to share this with my friend, but I knew they weren’t ready to hear this. I wasn’t surprised when they became defensive and suggested that my resistance to know every evil in the world suggested that not enough people cared and that is why the world could not be saved. I told them that I am not ignorant of the evil in the world, I just meter it out in small amounts that I feel I can handle, and as God tells me. I also don’t believe the world can be saved…
That really got them…
I said it. I don’t believe the world can be saved. I have never read in the bible where the world was supposed to be saved. Jesus didn’t come to save the earth. He came to save the children of God. I told my friend that Jesus had conquered the world and told us to rejoice. I believe my job is to unlearn fear and to try to focus on loving myself and others.
They didn’t like what I had to say…I have noticed that they are missing from my newsfeed. I am wondering if they unfriended me. I really do love them. I just got tired. I hope some day they can forgive me.
I have to remind myself that forgiveness comes in waves and layers. I have been having nightmares lately about people in my past. I wake up in pain because I tense up in my sleep. I wake up and forgive the people in my dreams and myself….in layers and waves. I remind myself that I may have to forgive myself and others any number of times.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”
Before I fell asleep last night, Karen had the late night news on. We heard updates on the war in Ukraine. I cried as I watched people desperate to know where they would sleep that night. I cried as I saw the food rotting that was supposed to feed people in Africa and the news feed that estimated that over a million people might die around the world because that food would not be dispersed because of Russian blockades. Then we saw an update on the Buffalo shooting in May, where a white man shot 10 black people to protect the white race. This really made me feel sick, especially since I just finished reading Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin that day.
I prayed before I fell asleep and I woke up praying.
I thought about conversations I have had with another friend that likes Trump for president, again and I am so confused. I don’t understand people that say they are Christians that want him for president. It isn’t that he is a republican. Believe it or not I am an independent and I will vote for any candidate with intelligence, fairness and the ability to work with both parties that I think will be a strong leader. I believe that Trump is probably a genius. I also believe that at the very least he too is a trauma survivor and at the most he is mentally ill and addicted to drama and that makes him a poor leader. Although he is highly intelligent, he kept everyone on the edge of their seat every day of his presidency and it took its toll on me. I could never listen to him and when I did, his words were very antagonistic and sometimes plain foolishness. I am not saying that I probably missed some very intelligent speaking but I know the heart of a man is revealed in his speech and I don’t want a leader that I can’t respect leading me.
Proverbs 15:7
The lips of the wise spread knowledge, but the hearts of fools are not upright.
~
Luke 6:45
As good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
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Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
I am still praying for Trump, It does me no good to wish hardship on this man that many still listen to. I am praying for myself and my friend too because I don’t like feeling as though I am judging them. I love them. I know they are super smart and a truly loving person. I also know I don’t have to agree with everything everyone says.
Forgiveness is very important and not just for the little things but the things that shake us to our core. We have to look at the things that make us pause and the things that make us feel punched in the chest and decide if we want to be angry or at peace. I want to be at peace. This means I need to be open to seeing other people’s perspective and showing compassion. This world might not be able to be saved, but I can change myself and maybe change situations around myself in the process in love and truth.
Be loved.
~
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 5, 2022 | Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving
I was shocked to find myself very upset about the end of the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial, which I didn’t watch. I am so glad it is over. I avoided it to the best of my ability. I thought it was about money but apparently Amber really did abuse Johnny and that is why he won. When I looked at him I saw a big man that was not able to avoid the abuse or leave before it escalated out of control, consuming him. Yet even while I thought that, I knew that I could easily relate to Amber because I know about being human.
I didn’t watch the Depp/Heard trail because I try to limit negative media for my mental health needs. I took one look at them and I saw drama and trauma and knew their dance would bring nothing positive to my existence. Just because drama and trauma rhyme doesn’t mean they are good together. Besides, I don’t really follow them, I don’t jump watch their movies, and they aren’t part of my life so it was easy to just move on. But as I learn more and more that we are connected, I realize that it might be normal that I would be affected by their pain.
I still don’t know this ex-couple. I will probably google them to make sure I spell Amber’s name correctly but we are all human and being human we are all connected and all capable of fear and love. When I saw trauma on them, it is because I have experienced enough to know that Johnny is not fully innocent and both he and his ex-wife could probably benefit from some form of treatment, at least some great therapy sessions. I think everyone should go to therapy, so don’t think I am picking on them, personally.
I did hear Johnny say that she was very possessive about taking his boots off. It seems weird but I understand this. There are things that I enjoy doing for Karen that are helpful to her, that only I do because she is my wife. There are things that, if I am not medicated and going to therapy to stay balanced that I might become unbalanced about and a bit obsessive about in a way that my responses may not feel so loving.
When I am following my wellness plan, I might still have moments where I am feeling a bit unbalanced. I can remind myself that Karen is perfectly capable and able to care for herself, if I missed my opportunity to care for her and I don’t have a right to feel anger or jealousy towards her self-care. I can tell myself to find something constructive to do until my negative feelings pass. I can do this because my medications slow me down enough to help me make better choices. You see because I have worked hard to be well, and continue to work hard, and am committed to always work hard, I have a peaceful life but if I just made a few different choices, my life could be a mess.
This is the truth. We are all human and we are all just a number of choices away from being like Amber or someone that might even be seen as worse. Why am I telling you this? Because alongside my mental illness, my gift of empathy is a hard one to carry sometimes but I have had to learn to know what to do with it or it will take me out, but it is also a beautiful and wonderful gift. I feel things deeply. I feel my feelings and I feel the feelings around me. This is a gift because I know how to pray. I sometimes know what to say to help someone feel better. I sometimes know to say nothing but just let them know I see them. People feel so alone sometimes.
I implore you to not judge so harshly. Every person who hurts someone, has been hurt. That is how they learned to hurt people. They have trauma that they haven’t dealt with. Maybe you have trauma you haven’t dealt with. Maybe that is the reason that you think you have the right to judge because you haven’t cut someone’s finger off or bit someone, but I tell you one thing…just a few different choices and you could be. Because that is what being human is.
God didn’t make us to carry around out hurts. He didn’t make us to capture all our fears and let our ego get so big that all we can hear is fear. He sent His son to take our sins and open a dialogue between us so that we would feel safe to hand Him our hurts, when we were ready, so we could accept healing and restoration. He gave us therapists, teachers, friends and leaders to help us because He knows that is hard for some of us to trust someone we can’t see. He is here. He is always here, waiting to lighten our load when we ask Him to help us forgive the people who hurt us and ourselves and restore us to the perfect creation He made us to be. He knows it is a process because we have collected a lot of hurts but He is always good and always patient.
I could spend time hashing out what the Johnny and Amber trial means to men and women and abuse victims but in reality someone else will do that. My agenda is about love and forgiveness. What I really want is to tell men, women and non-binary people, children and anyone with a pulse that while it is not ok to be abused and you should never allow someone to abuse you, you should never hold onto that abuse either. Forgive your abuser. Forgive yourself. Make room for healing and light in your life. Let God show you that you were made for love and not fear.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7 NIV
Note: Image found on funhandprintartblog.com.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 26, 2020 | Life, Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving
I am so angry and sad right now. I am thankful too. Chronic Illness is a bitch. She is ruthless and steals good things from people. I am angry because too many people don’t have enough options. I am sad because people I love are losing things that are important to them. I am thankful because my wife made sure that I didn’t miss my anxiety meds yesterday.
For people who are healthy or maybe are able to ignore their ailments it may be hard to have compassion on people who can’t. Loss is part of life but when you are chronic it can be a daily thing. It is exhausting to have to try so hard every day to be productive when you spend your time maneuvering around your circumstances. Strangers can be heartless. Strangers can also be amazing. You never know which one you will meet. I suppose that is true for everyone but when you are chronic you are always worried and you don’t need to worry about if people are kind or not. You are busy worrying about how you measure up, will your body or mind embarrass you, will you be a burden, will your needs cause discomfort to someone. It is easier to stay home. What if you don’t have a home? What if you have an addiction that you haven’t learned how to control yet?
I am being so generic right now. It tears my heart out when I hear someone say anything about people who are hurting, whether they are chronic, homeless, an addict, or variant from what society deems is the norm. You don’t know the energy it may have taken for any person around you to be there. I am sure there are more generous people out there than the ones I see posting selfish, hateful things on social media…but the squeaky wheel sure can throw me into an episode…
This morning I have had news of losses for 2 of my beloved friends. You spend a lot of time mourning when you are chronic and not just for yourself but the people you love who are also chronic. It becomes like an old sweater you keep because you are used to it. Even if it is worn out and doesn’t look like it did when you first got it. It is familiar.
I bought this old sweater, in the picture, when I was 20. I have had it almost 25 years. I have gone through a lot with this sweater. At some point it became a comfort to me and I began sleeping with it wrapped around my neck. It reminded me of the purple panda bear someone had made for my younger sister when she was born. She didn’t like him but I fell in love with Concord Grape, that is what we named him because he was made of two shades of purple wool. I took him everywhere. As he fell apart, I would keep a piece of him in my pocket and run my fingers over the scratchy fibers. When I was about 10 years old, my mom threw him away. I was heart-broken. Nana bought me a new bear that Christmas. Theodore E Bear is great, but he was nothing like Concord Grape. As a young adult, I went through a lot of Motrin and aspirin and I was starting to have panic attacks in my sleep. Even then, Fibromyalgia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD were starting to become something I couldn’t ignore. That sweater helped me a lot.
My sweater has traveled everywhere I have gone because when I forgot it, I couldn’t sleep. I remember the first time one of my nephews called it my blankie. I wanted to be a grown-up and grown-ups don’t have blankies…but he was right and even though I call it my sweater, it is, in fact my blankie. As it began falling apart, I would keep parts of my sweater in different bags so I could run my fingers over the scratchy wool and be comforted.
In 2014, I got the flu. It was worse than I had ever experienced and the cellulitis that I had been nursing without medical help for years went from a patch around most of my left ankle to my leg looking like I had dipped it in boiling bbq sauce up to my thigh. Karen, who was my good friend and business partner took me to the hospital where I stayed for 5 days getting very strong antibiotics. She never left my side. That was when I really began falling apart. I had to address my symptoms that had become impossible to ignore.
I don’t think I took my sweater with me to the hospital but I did take my best friend, who refused to leave my side. Karen even stayed with me when I came home because I could not care for my wounds. Somewhere in there we realized we were more than friends and were married. She is my favorite teddy bear now, but I still sleep with this sweater.
About a year ago I collected all the pieces of my sweater I could find and binge watched Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and Little House on the Prairie while I sewed all the pieces together. I kept the collar and tags to remind me of when it was actually a sweater, but it looks more like a blankie than ever. It was healing to me to sew all the pieces together. I find crocheting and sewing by hand very calming to me and I have lovingly sewn many blankies and teddy bears back together for children I love, it was kind of like me doing something loving for myself. I had to be creative with some of the pieces. My sweater is no longer 100% wool. I used whatever thread I had on hand so now it is also acrylic, polyester and cotton and like my monthly therapy sessions, I have to spend time mending my sweater too.
A couple weeks ago, I was watching Red Table Talk while I repaired a few tears in my sweater and it occurred to me that I am like this sweater. Many of the original fibers are there but, much like the threads holding my sweater together, my lifestyle changes have not only changed the shape of my life but they hold me together.
My self-care includes daily anaerobic exercises, donning of heavy duty compression hose because of lymphedema in my left leg (some traumas don’t go away), flushing of my sinuses, specific amounts of water every day, and exclusion of foods I can’t eat anymore. I take medications and (lots of) supplements at 11 am, 2:30 pm, 5 pm and 11 pm. I use essential oils to help manage some symptoms. I use a 5:1 ratio tincture and topical ibuprofen and lots of distraction and mindfulness to manage pain. I also make time to mend my sweater while I watch Red Table Talk or listen to my favorite podcasts: Joyce Meyer Enjoying Everyday Life and Elevation with Steven Furtick. And I nap and pray as necessary.
I pray for myself but mostly for the people I know are suffering with their own chronic issues because it is very hard to never know what you will wake up to that day. You learn to be ridged with other people and fluid with yourself because it is the only way to survive. My body and mind create enough drama for me. I have nothing for people who let chaos reign in their life.
I was so angry when I started out. I asked Jesus to take the anger and help me mourn. I still feel so tired. I am always tired. But I am not angry anymore. I am still a little sad but my friends are powerful women and God has them. They have overcome more than this. When we are done on this earth we will be with Jesus and that is a comfort.
I implore you to turn the news off today. You wont miss anything important. Find a quiet moment and be thankful for your loved ones, your home, your job…whatever comes to mind. If you think of someone who you know is struggling, say a prayer or send good thoughts, whatever your belief allows. Find some peace. It is not outside yourself, I promise you.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Amen
The Lord is with you always.
by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 12, 2016 | Prayers & Thanksgiving
I have been at a standstill for about a week, while reading, Codependent No More by By Melodie Beattie. I have read chapter 11: Have a Love Affair With Yourself, 3 times and I plan to read it again. I really want the good things to sink in and make it easier to let the negative things float away; or at least be able to lay them at the feet of Jesus and not want to come back to return them to their old spot on the shelf. I had a moment on Thursday where someone I care for let me know of a decision they had made about their health that caused me fear. As I began to “love them to death” with advise and other people’s opinions, they were becoming more and more defensive. Luckily Jesus is always faithful, not just to me but to everyone who love Him and I was able to see the unhealthiness I was suffocating them with and I was able to choose to stop.
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by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 13, 2015 | Prayers & Thanksgiving
Lord, I am confused as to what I should learn from that I have read. It seems that all the scripture that I read in 2 Kings, 2 Chronicles and Jeremiah was just war after war and lie after lie. I recognize I don’t understand the value not only because I see that all of it was to prove, yet again, that You tried to change the hearts of Your people, Israel, so many times, yet they enjoyed worshiping idols and did not honor Your wishes and blatantly lied. They were so far from You that they even lied to You through Jeremiah, Your prophet. Deceit and confusion seem to work together so well, that we do not understand even what we are doing will only keep us from You. Thank You that above all, You have preserved me so that I can be in relationship with You and bless You and bless others. I repent for continually falling as though to pull judgement and punishment on my own head. I don’t know how to stop. (more…)
by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 12, 2015 | Prayers & Thanksgiving
Lord, I am overcome. My heart aches for the United States of America. I fear, just as You brought Egypt down because of their pride, lust, greed and love of power, that our nation may also be guilty and in danger of destruction or at least a great scourging. My fear is for Your children who are easily distracted or have become defiled by the sins of society. I pray, Lord, for more faith and more wisdom. I know I have been blessed beyond measure. Thank You that You daily provide for Karen and my needs in Your perfect timing. Thank You that You have proven that You never leave or forsake us or forget us. Thank You that You have prepared us for where we are and at all times. Lord guide our prayers, testimony and action so that we can empower the people You place before us. Thank You that as my spirit groans You understand and grant peace. Help us further Your salvation message without fail. (more…)
by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 9, 2015 | Prayers & Thanksgiving
Lord, I confess that at times I am not “all in” that I can treat You as though You are something I can come back to at my leisure. Thank You that You’re faithful to our relationship. Please forgive me for not always giving You my best. Please judge by the cross the habits I have embraced and the spiritual realm that I have allowed to empower my laziness and sloth. Jesus, show me what I look inside You and You inside me on this matter.
Thank You Lord that You brought Jho and her family safely home. Thank You for all You are doing to bring them closer together. (more…)
by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 4, 2015 | Prayers & Thanksgiving
Lord,
Thank You so much that You are Lord! I need You and I am so thankful that You have always been with me and have planned for my needs.
Jesus please be with Jho while she travels to Idaho to rescue her father from the fires. Thank You that she is able to do this. Please empower her to care for her father and sister while they are staying with her. Thank You that JK is so supporting of his wife to allow her to take in her family. I ask for financial, spiritual, mental and physical blessings as they are needed. Bless this family Lord. (more…)
by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 3, 2015 | Prayers & Thanksgiving
Lord, I recognize that I died with You to my ability to defile myself as I have been taught by others or by an attitude of unfaithfulness based on lust and deceit or by anything that causes hate, disgust, sin or any idols I have set before You, on purpose or because of ignorance. As you know my sins, known or unknown to me, I ask that You show them to me so I may be forgiven. Thank You that You are always working in me to show me what I look like inside You, hidden and what You look like in me, revealed. (more…)
by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 22, 2014 | Opinions, Prayers & Thanksgiving
In my journey as a Christian I have asked God for a few things that He has been faithful to bring me to, since I had them and just didn’t know it. I have asked to be a good servant to Him, I have asked that He remove anything that wouldn’t stand the fire on judgement day, I have asked that He help me be the same person all the time and not different when I am in public, at home or in church, I have asked Him to help me love and forgive and be thankful. In all my requests, even for possessions like a home, car, clothes or any other physical thing He has been faithful. Faithful to what He made me for: to be in relationship with Him and to love others.
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