Communication

“When you’re doing what’s right for you, it’s okay to say it once, simply, and then refuse to discuss anything further.” – Toby Rice Drews

Many Codependents:

• manipulate
• are people pleasers
• are controlling
• cover things up
• assign/use guilt or try to alleviate guilt
• repress feelings and thoughts
• have ulterior motives
• have low self-esteem or self-worth and feel a lot of shame
• react inappropriately
• allow abuse and use badgering as a tool
• justify, rationalize, compensate and threaten

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Chapter 15 “Yes You Can Think”

For God hath no given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:17

Many codependents do not trust our minds and indecision can make the smallest choices frustrating – so big choices like what to do with our lives or who to live with or how to solve our problems can be overwhelming.

We must think, figure things out, decide what we need and want and decide how to solve our own problems.

Our ability to think may be clouded by lies we have believed, told to us or by ourselves (denial), chaos, stress, low self-esteem and repressed emotions.
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I have been slowly taking in this great book for about 6 weeks. While I am digesting and praying about issues that seem to come about in me, I see myself growing and learning to be focused on being positive and learning to communicate better. Chapter 14 in Codependent No More is about anger, something I have a lot of experience with, here is what I have gleaned and learned about anger:

Grief, rescuing, care taking, being reactionary, hurt, fear, sadness, being afraid and guilt can all become anger.

Some people prefer to stay angry because it makes us feel more powerful and less vulnerable.
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Feel Your Own Feelings

There are people that I have withdrawn so completely from, emotionally, that they don’t know me at all. I have known them my whole life. I love them. I know they love me. At an earlier time in my life, I learned it was dangerous to trust them because they could absolutely crush me. My “going away” only made me stuff all the emotions I felt because of their actions. Until I became so overloaded with emotions that I could not bear even seeing them.
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Have a Love Affair With Yourself

What a novel idea; one I had never considered. I assumed that this chapter would be full of new thoughts and maybe it would inspire a lot in me. I read this chapter 3 times…

6/24/2016

Many codependent people would never dream of treating others as they treat themselves. Other people would not let us. Our feelings of low self-worth cause us to not like ourselves or even consider loving ourselves.

• We hate ourselves
• We don’t like the way we look
• We hate our bodies
• We think we are stupid, incompetent, untalented and unloveable
• We think our thoughts and feelings are wrong and inappropriate
• We think we are unimportant and we don’t matter
• We shame other people’s desires and plans
• We think we are inferior and inappropriately odd
• Inside our minds we constantly torture ourselves
• Sometimes we punish ourselves openly and invite others to help us hate ourselves
• We believe taking care of our needs and wants is selfish

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Chapter 9: Undependence

My mother needs me to depend on her. It is part of her codependence identity: approval seeking and need for other’s happiness because that is all she has.

I can’t be healthy and center my life around anyone else but God.

Ways to become Independent:

1. Finish business from childhood to the best of our ability. Grieve. Gain perspective. Figure out how events from the past are still affecting life now.People who believe they are unloveable will treat you as though you are too.
2. Nurture the inner child who is vulnerable, frightened and needy. She may not disappear. She may rear up at unexpected moments, whether provoked or not. Figure out what she needs.
3. Stop looking for happiness in other people. Center life around yourself; our value and joy are inside ourselves. I don’t need approval or validation from others.
4. Learn to depend on yourself. Be there for yourself. Don’t abandon yourself, needs, wants, feelings, life and spirit. Learn to solve problems or live with unsolved problems.
5. Depend on God. He has never abandoned me. I abandoned me. He expects me to care for me.
6. Strive for undependence. Examine the ways we depend on others emotionally and financially.

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Remove the Victim

“We’re so careful to see that no one gets hurt. No one, that is, but ourselves.” Al-Anon Member

“Codependents are caretakers – rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized. Study the Karpmen Drama Triangle,” he said.
Codependent No More page 83

Enabling is a destructive form of helping.
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Detachment

Detachment is not detaching from loved ones but the agony of involvement.

Questions We Must Ask of Ourselves

• What am I feelings?
• What do I think?
• What do I need to take care of myself?

Observational Reading Questions
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CARETAKING CODEPENDENT CHARACTERISTICS

Codependents may:

• • think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
  • feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
  • feel compelled—almost forced—to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
  • feel angry when their help isn’t effective.

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What’s Codependency, and Who’s Got It?

Chapter 1 & 2: Jessica’s Story & Other Stories

I did not identify with any specific stories in this chapter but I have identified with aspects of their codependency. I have sought relationships with people with food addiction, so we can either validate or succeed together. I have often tried to help addicts and many times I have based my wants and needs on the wants and needs of my main relationships. I often feel like my friends need me more than I need them – all my friends need something from me. Most people don’t enjoy me and I am cynical about their motives. People make me tired.
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