Her Needs Were Often Greater Than Mine

I don’t remember ever trusting my mother. It wasn’t that she didn’t love me. It was that she was more than one person. My friend Jeff knows the kind, creative and generous woman that most people know and I am so glad he knows that woman, but I know many different women and I never knew which one would show up. I knew a woman that was also a child that I needed to parent. Her needs were often greater than mine, in more than one way.

Mental illness comes in many forms. The paperwork I found in her desk said Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is a real monster. It tells the person who has it they are nothing and deserve to die; that everyone hates them. People with BPD often lead productive lives because they can throw themselves into work but that is where they spend all their energy and home is where they are exhausted. They tend to have insomnia, obsessive behaviors and a particular person they release their frustrations on. I am my mother’s person.

When I was little, before my parent’s divorce, my father was my only stability. He protected me from my mother and my younger sibling’s behaviors. He taught me to find things to do to stay constructive. He taught the androgynous mind in my head how to find answers. I didn’t think like my mother and siblings. I was more direct and assertive. But when he left, I had no one.

My mother was scared of so many things. She had to look good and right in front of everyone, even when it was impossible to do so. That put a huge toll on me because she relied on me to make sure I helped her do this. It was implied while my parents were married, but it was obvious when she pulled me into her bedroom when I was 9 to tell me that my Dad was leaving and they were getting a divorce. That was the day I became her actual therapist, housekeeper and babysitter. That was the day my childhood was over, although I found moments to play even through high school.

I skipped being a teenager.

I should never have been left with my younger siblings. I was only 3 1/2 years older than my younger sibling and 5 1/2 years older than my baby sibling. I was angry. I was probably already having migraines and showing signs of Anxiety Disorder…but we didn’t know about that until I was well into my 30s and 40’s. My siblings did not respect me and neither did my mother.

Although I was not respected, I loved my family and I wanted my siblings to be safe. I took the abuse in place of my siblings. I thought I was doing them good. Now I know I may have only been making things worse because I really don’t know their stories. They certainly have stories of an angry and abusive sister. As the one that always felt responsible for everyone, it is hard to place the responsibility where it belongs and leave it there.

While I grew up, I was told I hated my mother, but I loved her with everything I had, while I often felt unloved. I was told I didn’t respect my mother, but I was never respected for keeping decent grades, helping with the house, my siblings and later with bills. I was called terrible names and told I would never succeed in life and every ache and pain was because I was fat…even my doctors don’t say that. Hugs were unheard of unless I was falling apart. I never told anything to my mother because she always called everyone she knew to tell them, sickness, success, bad behaviors, nothing was sacred or not needed for her to get the attention she needed. Even being sick…I didn’t let her take me to the doctor when I needed to go because that would turn into a something about her while I nursed myself and then when anyone else was sick and I didn’t think to take care of them, I was told I was not compassionate.

My therapist says it is amazing that I can see the many sides of my mother and appreciate the complexity of her. It isn’t that I don’t love her or respect her because I have great love and respect for her. I think she is amazingly talented and intelligent. She has built a life for herself on her own that I hope makes her happy. But I am also terrified of her.

Terrified because the sound of her at the door makes me feel like I need to jump up and find something to be doing when she comes in so she wont yell as much. Terrified because she will find several things to criticize me about and she doesn’t have to follow any of the rules I have to follow. Terrified because I know she will tell everyone she knows about our visit, even if I ask that not do that, and not only that but she will bring her stories to tell, that I don’t want to hear and she will expect me to be the therapist I have asked her to get for years.

Terrified because she is going to make me guard the boundaries I have to set, like a well-trained guard dog and I really just want to be a daughter. I disconnected from my family several years ago, not because I didn’t love them but because I was tired of being “othered”. I don’t deserve to be left out, cancelled on and given a separate set of rules.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

Note: Anna is very agitated lately. My mother has been emailing me and Anna is running amuck. She has decided I have to start telling my stories. To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of details, but Anna is keeping me awake at night. The Last Time I Saw Him bought me 2 nights of rest. I am hoping this will bring me a few nights of sleep…

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Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.