My Most Recent PTSD Opportunity

My most recent PTSD opportunity happened a week after my 12th anniversary. My cousin got married on May 16th. I am very happy for her. She has been through so much and she has persevered. But I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I was excited for her and looking for the invitation that didn’t come; eventually I got an online invite to view it online. My feelings were a little hurt, but it did make life easier. Karen didn’t have to take a day off and I could watch it from the comforts of home. When the moment came, there were technical difficulties and the groom’s family was irritated. I have streamed for much larger events and I was trying to sound nonchalant and supportive; also wishing I was there to help.

Later that evening, my uncle uploaded a raw version of the video he shot from his hand-held camera. When I saw the video, I saw Ms. Colvin before I even saw the bride, and Winnie was bringing her down the aisle, along with one of my uncles, to her brother. I understood why I wasn’t invited.

Winnie is my biological father, and he could not come to my wedding, even though I invited him.

As I struggled through a lot of emotions, my experience as a videographer reminded me why family members who are too close should never shoot the video. My uncle is too emotional, and the video is shaky because he was crying and he didn’t have the camera on a tripod. His choice to shoot from the middle of the isle, was questionable because I saw Winnie’s second wife, before I saw the bride. I know I am still taking this personal, but I don’t think he was the best choice as the technical crew for this event. Considering the conversation my cousin and I had about Winnie and Ms. Colvin a few months before the wedding, my shock at not only seeing them at her wedding, but that he gave her away, when our other uncles were available leaves me dumbstruck.

Nobody even warned me. This is the part I have been wrestling with ever since May 12th. Winnie didn’t share my family with me because Ms. Colvin didn’t like me, so I don’t have the memories and emotional ties they have. But the ones I have are why I carry my grandmother’s name and why she has helped make me a strong woman. Ms. Colvin does not deserve my grandmother’s name.

Ms. Colvin is a gossip and a backbiter, and she has hurt everyone in our family. She also knows how to use Winnie’s temper to brutalize anyone that she wants to scare into controlling. She has terrorized her own daughter and her own grandchildren as well. (And yes, I know I am guilty now too)

Father’s Day has always been hard. Winnie didn’t even like it. He knew he wasn’t worthy. He knew his father fell short too. I see the beautiful memories other people share and usually I thank God for Grandpa Bill, Nana’s second husband, my real grandfather, who taught me so many lessons. But this year I had to snooze my cousin because I couldn’t look at her gushing posts about Winnie.

They still tell lies about me. At least Winnie and Ms. Colvin do. They run to new family members and tell lies about me. They have threatened anyone who might want to help me. They know we are stuck, have been stuck. They know I am chronically ill. The day I told Winnie I had cancer, he screamed at me about stuff I didn’t do, years before, because Ms. Colvin makes sure he abuses me, every chance he gets. She sent me a terrible letter a week after my Grandpa Bill died.

Winnie has always abused me emotionally because when he was done being a terrible husband to my mother, he expected me to take care of his ex-wife and his kids and even though I was really a little girl. I was only 9 years old, but he didn’t care. He didn’t stop Ms. Colvin from doing whatever she wanted to do to whoever she wanted to hurt, especially TyAnne. He thinks it’s normal to sacrifice the oldest child. He doesn’t believe in mental illness, even though he shows symptoms of PTSD, at least, and Ms. Colvin seems like the perfect narcissist.

He seemed hurt once when told him I would never live with him, but he doesn’t know that when I lived with Mom, I only wanted to kill myself. If I had lived with him, I don’t think Winnie and Ms. Colvin would have made it because when I was about 5 or 6, before he left us, we were sitting at the dining room table, he told me to never let anyone hit me; and I have not.

I have spent years in therapy because the person I fear most is myself. I know what I think about. I understand evil. I won’t abide by it, but I understand why people do what needs to be done sometimes. I have chosen to learn to forgive which is really hard and has many layers and has to be repeated as many times as necessary, but some pain doesn’t heal. That is why love is so important. I don’t believe Winnie and Ms. Colvin know what love is; what they do is survival.

My therapists have all told me I am strong and kind and not dangerous. But I know I have spent years learning not to feed that part of myself that is like Winnie. I have practiced love and watched Karen G Clemenson and Jamie Holloway carefully because they have a gift for loving that never came naturally to me, but I am getting better at all the time.

I wrote to Winnie several years ago and told him I am no longer his daughter. I want nothing from him. I have heard enough from other family members to wonder why they let him in their homes. I know they are scared of him, but they don’t need to be. I win every fight. All you have to do is look him in the eye, remember the truth, don’t listen to his bullshit, don’t forget who you are, and consider the fact that cowards scream the loudest and eventually he will sit down. Ms. Colvin banks on the fact that most people don’t like confrontation and Winnie looks pretty intimidating, but he doesn’t have the stamina or vocabulary I have. If I can win, so can you. Nobody deserves his shit. It isn’t anyone’s fault they won’t go to therapy.

I don’t lie. If I tell you something it is to the best of what I know now.

Grandma Clemenson is the only person in my entire family, on both sides, that ever blessed my marriage. She sent the only card we ever got from family. I am Mrs. Clemenson because I bear her name.

So, after much thought and prayer, I am done.

I have always wanted my birthright. I am the first-born daughter and granddaughter in a very large family, and I always wanted the relationship and support that I have read about in books. But this family is broken. I have heard positive things said about my grandfather, Allen Clemenson, but even as a child, I could feel that he did not love Winnie. I know there was something wrong about that. He did not come to Winnie’s college graduation. He did not look at him with any pride. He never spoke with love, always barking orders. The only conversation I ever remember having with him was when I confronted him, as a child, because he called black people niggers. And at 8-9 years old, I was not going to listen to that without a fight. I do not have good memories or feelings about this man, and I have seen a vast difference between the older and younger of the 9 siblings. I also know that he held my grandmother back from what she wanted and needed. Grandma Clemenson was an honorable woman.

No one ever protected me from Winnie. They still don’t. God told me to let go of everything that doesn’t serve me. I have things to do, and I live in a chronic body, so I have limits. I have to be mindful of that. There is a specific person in this family who told me I was important to them, but they don’t listen to me. If they had, they would have texted me to let me know about Kelli’s wedding. They would have known that being rejected is a trigger for me. I just needed a text. Something to prepare my heart. But this family doesn’t do that.

So, I am letting them all go. Love is not enough to hold relationships together. God does not expect people to make family more important than safety and communication. Since my cancer might be back, I need all my energy for the people that love me.

So, Karen and Mom and I are the Kelso-Longview Clemensons and are the originals. Jamie is my sister. And so is Sarah (my biological sister). The other ones have gone to the dark side. I have my niece Allie and her family and my adopted brothers Jeff and Josh. If you want to join us, let us know. You don’t have to change your name, or pay a fee or have anything fancy, but you will have to love us, out loud, and listen. Authenticity is key.

I love you. Be blessed.

~