I am so tired. Healing is hard. To quoteJamie Holloway, it is brutal, slow and exhausting. It takes time. It takes as long as it takes and no doctor can really know how long it will take you, especially if you are chronic because you already have things going on inside your body that count against you. When I post about what I am going through, I am sharing because I know that there are people reading my posts that are inspired. I am not trying to complain. I try hard not to complain. In fact there is a lot I don’t talk about, ever, even to myself. I might not even realize how much pain I am in, until I try to climb into bed and eventually have to get back up again to cover myself with Deep Blue Stick so enough of the edge will come down so I can fall asleep. (Learn more about Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils)
But I cried today when I spoke with my oncologist. She is excited to start back up with the radiation treatments. I asked her if it was safe, even though I still get out of breath easy and I feel like I am being pushed down. She told me it would be fine. I told her I was scared. I told her people think I am strong but it’s just an act right now. I don’t think I am ready to be brave yet. I just got to where I feel like I can stand. I have not really started walking like I normally do. She is excited about the injections we can switch to for my blood thinner while we do the radiation. She talked about Megestrol and wanting me back on it.
And I said no.
Megestrol causes blood clots. I am not back from where I was before my last episode. She agreed I almost died. She is the first person to admit that to me. I don’t understand why she would be excited to put me back on that drug. It has happened twice now. But besides that, I can feel full now. I am not hungry all the time. I feel the shape of my body changing and that is what I told her. I know I am losing weight because I don’t feel like I need to eat all the time. So now we are talking about putting the UTI back in. Both treatments were hormonal treatments to help kill the cancer, the UTI also stopped me from having periods and after not having them for 3 years, I remember why I hated them.
We decided to do more imaging. There is a chance the one brachytherapy killed most or all of my cancer. This also gives me more time to get my footing right.
My personal battle is just that, but really it is not the first thing on my mind, after I take care of my family. My heart is heavy because there is so much happening in the world, actually there is so much happening in the United States that I haven’t really focused outside of the US in a while. So many natural disasters where people are being misplaced. So many people being hurt by our government that is ignoring our rights. I knew our government was corrupt but it seems like a mirror has been placed in front of all our faces and no one is without sin. I am so exhausted by the sickness I see every day.
But I am aware of the pain outside our borders. I have family in the military. My heart and prayers are with them.
I choose God multiple times a day. My prayers are simple because I am overwhelmed and I hardly know what words to use, other than, “Please help me give this to You. Please help. Thank You that You are with them and You love us. Please give us more mercy and grace.” These are the things I say because I don’t what else to say. And I am thankful He knows my prayers before I say them. Amen
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have several meetings this week with different parts of my medical team. I met with my psychiatrist today. He manages my mood stabilizers. I don’t have a personality disorder, so these meds would not be technically called mood stabilizers but that is what they do for me, so that is what I call them. I asked him if we needed to change my Fluvoxamine due to possible bleeding issues, if it became necessary. He said we could, but there would be withdrawals. Since I have been taking this medication for several years without an issue, he doesn’t think it should be anything to start worrying about now.
I also met with, Dr Dong, my hematologist today. She said she didn’t find any hereditary signs in my labs to explain my blood clotting issues, even though I told her that I found out that my Grandma Clemenson and her father, and my father’s brother have had blood clots. She said it is normal that it is taking so long for my lungs to heal. Because of the past damage from having pneumonia and bronchitis so many times when I was younger, having COVID twice…and this being my second time with blood clots. Each time I have new damage it takes longer to bounce back. My lungs and heart and liver are still healing.
I needed to hear that reassurance. I feel like I am failing. I still get out of breath easily. I had gone a few years without needing my cane and now I need it all the time because I often feel like I am being pushed down.
When it is time to start up the brachytherapy, Dr Dong will switch me to an injectable blood thinner, Lovenox. When we are done with cancer, I will be able to go down to the low dose Eliquis I was taking before we started the radiation treatment. It seems this will be something I always need. I am trying to accept this.
I meet with my oncologist tomorrow so I will know more about when I start the cancer treatments again.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
You should always read your test results, especially if you are chronic. While preparing for radiation, I was having weekly labs, which showed me that I have low potassium one week and then, I was normal. I take a water pill daily and a potassium supplement because when you take a water pill, sometimes you eliminate important nutrients like potassium. But I also tend to crave an occasional pickle, potato or banana; these foods are high in potassium. Sometimes I get leg cramps, a sign of low minerals and I drink an unsweetened coconut water and I feel better.
It was good that I knew this because when I met my newest specialist, a hematologist, she asked me about my potassium levels and I had an answer.
I learned about paying attention to these things when I found out I had a tendency to become anemic. This is normal for someone with psoriatic arthritis. But it isn’t hard to maintain, usually. I try to have some beef a couple times a month. I eat one meal with meat (fish and poultry are fine) in it every day. I also love farm fresh eggs, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, spinach, cabbage, to just name a few of my favorite high in iron vegetables.
You can always google to look for the nutrients you are needing more of to add to your diet. Supplements are fine, but eating a well rounded diet is more satisfying and filling and also helps eliminate some of those unhealthy cravings that don’t help us reach our goals.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I had to let my extended family go. For me. I needed to learn how to make me important. I needed to learn how to listen to myself and take care of me, I needed to learn how to set boundaries and keep them for me. There was a lot of unhealthy habits between me and every individual in my extended family. I needed them to be self-sufficient.
I didn’t know if I would ever reconnect with any of them and I always told God, it was in His hands. He knew them. He knew me. He knew what we needed. He loved us all.
When my youngest sister contacted me recently, I considered ignoring her, but I heard God tell me, it would be ok. I felt a peace. So I read her words. And I responded. I even told her some of my fears so she could pray for me. Then we made plans to get together with Mom.
It was a good visit. We talked about our lives now. We teased a little bit. I noticed the freckles on my sister’s arms, I didn’t remember. We finally got Karen G Clemenson to get out of the hot car and join us in the air conditioning – she always worries about influencing situations…
My mom told me she wished she had told me she didn’t want me to remove her from my life. I know it was her way of saying she loved me and she wanted me in her life. I feel that now. Even though I needed to do what I did, it wasn’t about rejection, it was about finding me.
My mom is moving to another state. She needs to. Washington is too expensive. She can’t afford to retire here and she isn’t getting the medical care she needs here. But she will be moving near my youngest sister, so she won’t be alone and they live near world renowned doctors, so her health will have a chance to improve and she will have a better quality of life. But I told her she will have a reason to return and visit.
God is always good.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Xavier hated doors. He was so offended by being blocked from his people. Karen and I still don’t shut doors unless we have guests over.
Once he got out when he and I lived with my mother. Somehow he got between the storm door and wooden door to the house and began crying. I was so happy he was safe. Xavier was not born with the same instincts of survival that most animals have. Another time I thought he got out, which would have been odd because he was terrified of the front door, I had searched the house top to bottom and did not find him, until he got hungry and began crying for me. He was in Mom’s linen closet, apparently that is a great napping place.
When we lived at The Monticello he got out. I am not sure how long he was wandering the hall or if he even wandered at all. His call for me was mighty and I saw him an apartment down and he ran inside as soon as I opened the door.
That was the last time he was ever curious about the door.
Xavier didn’t mind fireworks as a kitten. He just played with his toys. But when he was mature he was terrified. Lucky for us he was also scared of the front door. He had is safe spots and that was where I could check on him, pat his head, and let him know it would stop eventually.
Xavier died in April 2024. I have had two 4th of July celebrations without him. It’s easier to fall asleep since I don’t have to worry about him. I did check out the Cowlitz County Lost and Found group on Facebook and it is overwhelmed by pets that are missing. I am so sorry for those fur babies and their people.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have never had a blood clot, that I know of, until I got endometrial cancer, which both this type of cancer and the treatment of this type of cancer cause. My oncologist assured me that once my cancer was gone, I would no longer need to take Eliquis, which is very expensive, even if you have insurance. As far as I know, blood clots don’t run in my family so this should have been an easy run.
I am struggling with the fact that two doctors, one being my new blood specialist, said that since I have had two severe episodes, the last one coming on very fast and apparently originating in my lungs, I will have to remain on blood thinners for the rest of my life. This feels like such a failure.
I went off my Eliquis a couple weeks before my first radiation treatment . We had intended to start the treatments a week earlier but adjustments needed to be made so we didn’t do the first treatment as planned, but I stayed off the blood thinner.
On Monday I have to get some special blood work done. These labs will tell us if I have a hereditary condition, we didn’t know about. After these labs are completed, we will create a new plan of action for when we start up the radiation treatments, which have been paused for a month while my lungs heal and we figure out how to handle my blood clotting issue.
I wish drugs that are so necessary were not so expensive. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad to heal. I know I am a blessed woman. I wish I didn’t have to dig past so many distractions sometimes to remember that.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I woke up at 2:30 am on Saturday. I was aware something was wrong when I had gone to bed. Something had been wrong since Wednesday when I had had my first radiation treatment for endometrial cancer. My ribs and lungs had begun hurting. I thought it was fibromyalgia responding. This was normal but it kept getting worse. As I would get up to do things I would get out of breath easily. It had been getting worse. After going to the bathroom, I barely made it back to bed. My breathing never came back to complete normal.
At 3 am, I woke Karen. I told her something was wrong. I needed to go to the hospital. She was so tired. She watched me for awhile. I asked her what she was thinking and she said she was just watching me. Soon I needed to use the bathroom again. This time, I couldn’t make it back to the bed. I sat at the desk while I labored to breathe and sweated profusely. It felt like the last time I was hospitalized for blood clots. Karen agreed this was wrong. She started dressing. I was giving orders to pack certain things I would need. I knew I would be admitted. She was bringing clothes to me and helping me dress.
I had to use the restroom again and barely made it back to the desk chair. I was trying to figure out how I was not sure how I was going to make it to the car. I was so scared. Luckily the building we live in had chairs in the midway point so I could rest before forcing myself to walk the rest of the way to the car and get in.
As we started towards the main road, I said Legacy Salmon Creek. Karen was so scared she said no, St John. I said no. I won’t get out of the car. In the end I got what I wanted. I think St John ER is great, but I am still healing from my experience in their ICU with my blood clots back in 2022. I had a great experience with Legacy Salmon Creek in 2014 and my gynecological oncologist is there and she manages my Eliquis because my blood clots are related to my cancer, and she is an amazing doctor. I knew I would have a better experience at Legacy Salmon Creek and I did.
I was so sick. I had ultrasounds on my heart, liver and legs; very painful. My heart and liver were very stressed out because of the very large blood clot in my right lung and the many medium clots in my left lung. Both my arms are covered in bruises from constant blood pressure checks, blood draws, and drug administration. Even my fingertips are bruised from blood sugar checks.
I had to fight for my medications. The weekend doctor, although kind and interesting, stopped all my meds. Some of my meds are not meant to just stop. They kept me on a liquid diet and sometimes took even my fluids away as they weren’t sure when they were going to remove my blood clots. I didn’t care about food; I was too tired. Even jello was a chore to eat. But I hated when I couldn’t have water because when you are on oxygen your nose and mouth become so dry.
Eventually I got my meds back. Which is good because my mood was very bipolar. Thankfully I had my phone and backup battery with me so I could keep my music going. It helped my mood and often the nurses enjoyed it and would feel embarrassed when they started dancing. I told them not to be embarrassed; my wife dances all the time.
I had to be awake during my surgery so when the doctor needed to take a picture, I could hold my breath. They cheered when they got the biggest clot out. I think they forgot I was awake when I asked if I could see it because they were very surprised. When they were done, they showed me a picture of a huge pile of clots. I said, no wonder I was having such a hard time breathing. They agreed.
They also installed a metal mesh so that any clots that form in my legs cannot get into my lungs and heart. I will have that removed after my cancer is gone.
I am still very weak. You don’t just go back to 100% after having blood clots in your lungs and I still have some small ones in my lungs that my body has to break down.
I had stopped taking my Eliquis for the radiation therapy and been off of it for 2 weeks. The blood thinners stop the blood from clotting. I won’t be able to go off of Eliquis but for a couple of days when we return to the last three treatments, but Dr Westhoff says we are taking a month for me to heal. By the look of my arms, I know my veins are happy about that, but I know my lungs need to recover too.
On the way home, I was planning to make a lentil soup because that is the ingredients I have. When I told Karen, she told me no. Then I realized I have slept most of the day since Saturday and I probably didn’t have the energy to make anything. I did end up sleeping most of today.
Money is tight. All the trips to Vancouver are out of our normal. My Eliquis is a much larger dose so we have that too. But through all this, even though God could have moved this mountain, He didn’t. Even though I was too tired to talk to Him, except for a few people that landed on my heart, I know He carried me the entire way, provided for every need, and will keep doing the same because He loves me. God bless you.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Wednesday was probably the most painful day I can ever remember. It wasn’t the radiation that hurt, because it didn’t. But everything before and after that did. I have a great doctor and all the nurses were wonderful but being tied to a table with your legs up in the air is excruciating and unlike last week when I refused pain meds, this time, I accepted everything they offered, however it didn’t help.
I was under anesthesia when Dr Dyer inserted the applicator for the needles that apply the radiation, that is attached to the table. I was not under anesthesia when he had to put it back in because I had pulled it out because my knees were hurting and I couldn’t hold still. I learned to keep my hips still after that.
He was shocked when he finally asked me where my pain was and I told him my knees. We tried oxy, fentanyl, something that starts with a t, there might have been a few others and oxy and fentanyl we did twice, nothing worked. I had to be in that position for a CT scan, while they readjusted things, while they made an action plan, the 42 minutes I actually was getting the treatment, and until they could get me into the OR to remove the applicator and catheter. Pretty much most of the day.
Last week, I wasn’t there as long because when we got to the CT scan, he realized he needed to make more adjustments to the applicator and needles to do the most good for me. The pain had been in my back, my knees weren’t so bad. So before I left for the hospital on Wednesday, I covered my back with doTERRA’s Deep Blue Stick (contact me if you have any questions about this product). My back did fine. I will be doing this with my knees next time we do this and my back and bring it with me. Apparently, my body is used to doTERRA and not pain meds.
During the radiation I was trying to focus on my breathing but I was writhing in pain and moaning, sometimes praying to God. A couple times my alarms went off and I would hear my doctor’s patient voice reminding me that he needed me to focus on long deep breaths in and out. I was so glad when it was over. My doctor loosened the straps on my legs so I could move them a little bit but I still had to keep my feet in the stirrups. Being able to wiggle my toes and slightly straighten my knees helped so much!
My doctor told me he was so proud of me and that we had got such a good treatment that he didn’t think I would have a lot of bleeding. (I have a lot of blood vessels in my uterus and I tend to bleed for a long time.)
Eventually they took me to a regular room, which was odd because I was supposed to go home. They brought me a regular gown to wear instead of the paper one I had been wearing all day. They were surprised that my room didn’t have a bed and were about to order one and I said no. I had no idea why I was in this room but I had no plans to stay. I wasn’t about to put on a hospital gown, I could wear my own clothes. So one nurse began the hunt for my discharge orders and another nurse started taking the electrodes off my chest but I beat her to most of them and she laughed, knowing I was done with being handled by strangers.
It took a few hours to find my doctor because he was in surgery, so my nurse kept coming back to check my vitals and the first time she asked if she could check if I was bleeding, I said, “I have had more people in my vagina today than I have had in my entire life, knock yourself out.” She laughed.
Honestly I was ready to do anything to go home. On our way home we drove Hwy 30 instead of I-5. It was so beautiful!
I have 3 more treatments to go. The last one is July 3…so my Independence Day will be spent sleeping and healing…
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I feel frozen. We did not do a radiation treatment on Thursday, as planned, yet I had done the cleanse on Wednesday and I had the contraption inserted to do the radiation. I had the CT scan. I had several kinds of pain meds but they didn’t help at all. They removed the device. I’m still hurting inside. I’m still bleeding a tiny bit. I still have bruises and 12 injection spots on my hands. They didn’t try getting an IV in my hands until I was under sedation. If they would have asked me, I would’ve told them that was a bad idea. I am angry that I have 12 injection sites. They are swollen and hurt.
I have to do another cleanse tomorrow. I have to go back on Wednesday. This time I have to be there at 9 am instead of 6:30 but the time does not matter. I am not sleeping well at all so I am exhausted all the time. This feels too heavy.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
We did not do the radiation treatment today. Today was extremely painful. At some point, I had been given several forms of pain medication and none of them made a difference. My uterus is larger than usual so my doctor needs to adjust the length of the needles that deliver the treatment to give me the best opportunity for healing. It was necessary that I lie on my back with my legs in padded stirrups the whole time I was there. This put a lot pressure on my knees and back. It was terrible. Also there is a device they put in my vagina used to deliver the radiation. Even though my uterus is larger than usual, my vagina is small, long and curved.
I try not to snap at doctors but eventually I was just saying, “I don’t care, do what you need to do to get done.” Karen was not supposed to come in the CT room but Dr Dryer knew I was really suffering and he brought her in for a moment. He was not only letting her comfort me but he wanted to show her what he was planning. I love how Legacy’s philosophy is to treat the whole patient.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Today I am on a clear liquid diet and a colon cleanse to prepare for tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to be at Good Samaritan Hospital in Portland at 6:30 am and I will spend all day there, having several procedures related to radiation. The nurse explained it all to me but I don’t want to remember. I told her I will probably dissociate much of it but I will do what I am told at the time. This is how I get through hard things. I told her in stressful situations my body sometimes twitches in my torso. If it is severe, it looks like a seizure but it’s not. I also might might hyperventilate if I have an anxiety attack, but if you let me handle myself, I know what to do, however I will be under anesthesia for some of the procedures and I have not experienced these under anesthesia, I thought I should let her know. She was appreciative.
I was explaining this to my sister, Jamie Holloway, and she was sympathetic. I told her I had written down the parts I have to do before the hospital but I was trying not to think about most of it. I have left many details out. There is nothing I can do about it. She agreed.
I am so glad I have Jamie! Karen G Clemenson is strong and always by my side, but Jamie has taught me, by showing me how to do this. Many times I have been thanked for being easy to work with and I always tell the medical team what Jamie taught me, they are trying to do their job, helping them do that will make it go faster. They have a hard job. I don’t know what I would do without these two strong women in my life.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I hate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They are both days that remind me that I was not enough for my family. I know my parents gave all they had. I know they loved me. But they couldn’t respect me or my requests for change I needed to be able to remain in relationship with them. So many of these days I bent over backwards to make their days great and they didn’t care. So many times I tried to have communication and it didn’t work. I served them. That was what I was to them. That is what they wanted and expected from me. I helped raise their kids and I was their go between and I never learned how to be anything else and when I asked for help, money was the only thing they knew how to give, but even though that might have fixed an immediate need, that was not what I really needed. I wanted to be important. I wanted to be known. I wanted to be heard.
I see people’s posts about how much they miss their parents now that they are dead, and it is the hardest thing they can imagine. But it isn’t. The hardest thing to imagine is knowing that your parents are in the same state you live in. You could call them, but they are not going to be glad to hear from you. They are going to yell at you about something you might not have even done, years ago to someone else, that they are still angry about. They don’t care if you have cancer. They don’t care if you enabled them to work hard so they could go on yearly trips to Disneyland without you, while you took care of their kids. They don’t care if you are living in a hotel and only a couple thousand dollars would help you move to a place with a smaller amount of rent. They don’t care if you’re chronically ill, they don’t believe in mental illness anyway; I am just fat and lazy. That is what my father and his second wife think of me.
I told my father a few years ago that I no longer want to be his daughter. I still refer to him as my father because I can’t seem to call him by his name. I had a dream this morning that made me very sad. The main message was that, even though I had always thought my father’s second wife’s daughter was my friend and sister, she really is much like her mother, she just presents it differently. They are opportunists. She told me my father had changed his will to include me, he knew the things his wife did were bad but he was stuck. I was sobbing because I never wanted money; I wanted relationship and she was already gone to do something she wanted, so I was left alone again.
The dream told me nothing I hadn’t already been coming to the realization on my own, it just solidified what I already knew. I also hope I am not in my father’s will. I told him I want nothing from him after he dies and I meant it. He has caused me so much pain and confusion in my life. Any reminder of him won’t fix what he didn’t try to meet with me on while he is alive. Maybe when he is dead we can meet in our spirits when the weight of our humanity is out of the way. That is my hope.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I usually wait until later in the season before I enjoy a nectarine, my favorite fruit. The price is better. I also tend to buy nectarines that are still firm because my OCD doesn’t like to get dirty, but there were two perfect, soft nectarines that called to me yesterday. They were so soft, they had to be bagged for their own protection and I knew I had to eat them quickly, or I had wasted my purchase.
Today I took a bite and I was glad that I had armed myself with not one, but several paper towels. As the juice ran down my neck, I was transported to Nana and Grandpa’s back deck where all messy things were eaten. Nana and Great-Grandpa Drummond were with me. Nana was laughing gayly because she couldn’t catch the juice fast enough and Grandpa Drummond was enjoying his daughter. I was probably 8-9 years old. Even covered in nectarine juice, Nana was graceful and lovely.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of her death. I didn’t realize until I looked at the calendar. Maybe she wanted me to remember that joyful memory to remind me that we enjoyed each other. I love you Nana. I hope you are making Grandpa Bill, Grammy, Grandpa Johnny, Grandpa and Grandma Drummond laugh in heaven.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I just saw this video of a lovely woman crying because she was abused by ignorant people because they only saw a fat woman and decided she was at the store to buy all the Easter candy. She didn’t buy any candy at this trip. She bought shoes, but what she bought was irrelevant. The audacity of these strangers was astounding.
I have been fat all my life. Even when I was young and rode my bike everywhere and danced every day. I have worked hard to teach myself healthy eating habits and then adjust to food sensitivities that come with chronic illness. I workout everyday but my workout is modified for my body that is in chronic pain because if I do too much, I can’t function the next day. I have gone to orientation for bariatric surgery, where I learned what I already thought was true, this procedure was not something I am willing to do to my already sick body, no matter how many letters my doctor’s office or insurance company sends me. I was on Mounjaro for over a year, lived with horrible side effects, lost 50 lbs, and then it stopped working and when I learned I had gained 15 lbs back, I stopped taking it. Why do this to myself and spend this kind of money for no success? I have tried some supplements that seem to be helping without any side effects, but I have made peace with myself.
It is the monsters in the world that have nothing better to do than pick on people just living their lives that bother me. Last week I went to Walmart. We bought a storage container, my wife’s prescriptions and got our COVID vaccines. I was in a fibromyalgia flare. I was in pain so I probably had a bit of a limp. No one who doesn’t know me, doesn’t know that I have lost 65 lbs, they just see a fat woman with a limp. I couldn’t see them, because they were cowards, but I could hear the whale calls as we walked out the front door. I decided to keep walking. To just let it go and get home to rest because I didn’t feel good, but I really wanted to tell those stupid people that they are mean and thoughtless and for all the other fat people that stuff their feelings inside or go get some junk food and forget about it, because they don’t know how to deal with the pain of strangers’ abuse, they can shove their whale calls up their ass!
Karen G Clemenson and went home and probably took a nap, I don’t remember. I rarely eat for comfort anymore but I used to. But I would be lying if I didn’t feel some pain from those heartless people at the store, and I could totally empathize with the woman in the video I saw tonight.
I know fat people and it isn’t something we sit around talking about all the time, but sometimes it comes up. Teasing someone about their weight or even talking to them about what they are eating in front of other people doesn’t encourage anyone to change, in fact it makes them upset and encourages them to run to food because food is probably their coping mechanism. It was mine, sometimes it still is, even though my portions are smaller and healthier than they used to be. You might think that is funny but we all have something we rely on. Maybe you drink a beer or two or more, maybe you work a lot, maybe you garden or shop or cook or read or run…Whatever you have learned to rely on is what you need and until you can learn to replace it with something healthier (if it isn’t good for you) you are going to always run to it.
Many times my posts start out on Facebook in rough draft form. If people respond, I know it is a good topic. One viewpoint I don’t think about often is the other side. There are people that can’t gain weight. They suffer because when they get sick, they lose dangerous amounts of weight and if they fall they don’t have padding to protect their bones. One person mentioned their sibling that had the opposite problem that we shared. It helped remind me that, even though most people might not ridicule a very skinny person, or not in the same way, or as often, weight is an issue that we all face. Please teach your children to be kind. No one knows anyone’s situation until they do. I had a boss that had always been thin until she became chronically ill and the medication she had to take caused her to gain a lot of weight. She worked long hours. We were in retail, which is very physical work. She worked harder than any of us. She wasn’t stuffing herself with food. This story is common. When I see people. I assume nothing about them, because I know nothing about them.
Weight gain or weight loss can be caused by sickness, hormones, stress, abuse, genetics, medications, many reasons that might be out of control of people, as well as eating too much or not moving enough. But being mean, that is always a choice.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I don’t think I could put in words how much I love, need and want Karen G Clemenson. She is it. As I grew up I had made lists of what I wanted in a partner. I have never taken choosing a partner lightly and I am not casual about sex at all. Karen is one of two people I have ever been with. She even helped me get over the first guy, promising he would come back, until I finally told her, I didn’t want him to come back.
I have loved 3 people in my life and there were about 10 years between each person. I was friends with each person first. My lists always changed as I had my heart was shattered. Because I love completely. I am so grateful that I am demisexual because I don’t have overwhelming sexual feelings that get in my way until I have bonded with someone emotionally, intellectually and have learned if they are worthy of my trust.
When I prayed to God and asked for a partner I was shocked that Karen was the one. I had been fighting my feelings for some time, to be honest. I was raised in a conservative family and conservative religion and being gay was wrong. However, I had also walked with God since I was 5 and I had an authentic relationship with God and there had been many things God had shown me, that I had been taught, that were wrong.
It was still 1 year after we were married, before I could verbalize that I was bisexual and demisexual. But I also knew that God knew that I was queer. He made me this way and He loved me and this very small part of who I am, is part of the calling He has for me. Nothing I have ever done or ever will do, will ever change how much He loves me or that the salvation He created for me is mine. He promised me that. I am supposed to love Him, let Him love me, and love my neighbor. He will fill in all the blanks.
Karen and I have this little joke. She asks me — Who loves you? — I always answer, with a smile on my face: Jesus.
The only competition Karen has is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. I do find other people attractive but I don’t want them. We talk about that. Neither of us wants anyone else. And even the most exquisite looking person can open their mouth and say a selfish, judgmental, or hateful thing and suddenly they are no longer interesting to me in any way.
I have had people try to use their religious beliefs to justify their fear that I am going to hell. I am sick of this. It just isn’t true. God created inclusion. The word “homosexuality” wasn’t even added to the bible until 1947 by white people that wanted to control the narrative. I do realize the bible I read, in its imperfection, was inspired by God, but edited by man. This doesn’t stop me from reading it, but I read it with Jesus and I ask questions and wait for answers.
Karen was the best gift God ever gave me. When I could not hide that I was sick anymore, she was there. I had never been taken care of before. I had been the one to serve. I am an artist and chronically ill. I don’t know what my body and mind will be like from day to day; I don’t often know what I will say until I say it. She is never intimidated by me, my body, my mind or my ideas. She loves the challenge and surprises. On earth, she is my rock and I am her’s. I don’t take this for granted.
On the flip side, she eats healthier, dresses better and has more organization in her life than she ever had on her own because once we were married, we both learned, we needed someone to take care of. Her blood pressure is normal, her weight is exactly what her doctor wants it to be and her muscle tone is impressive. Plus she has some pretty great aspirations that she would never have attempted if she didn’t have someone cheering her on. Who else is going to correct her when she says she is crazy and tell her she is just juggling a lot?
We make an amazing team. I thank God for her all the time. I can’t and don’t even want to imagine life without her. We have healed and grown so much in this relationship and I wish that the kind of love, trust, honesty and kindness we share was in all partnerships. If there was, there would probably be little to no divorce and less STIs and unwanted pregnancies too. Because when you have all you want in your relationship, you don’t have to look anywhere else and you make decisions together and you don’t do things to tear down the team.
I am a blessed woman.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
My name has been on the title of 4 cars in my entire life. Joshua the drunken parrot has hung in the window of 3 of those cars. Joshua (pronounced Ho-sway) is an air freshener but he became a character and a memory that means a lot to me.
My first car was a 1976 Plymouth Gran Fury Brougham III. She was cream colored on the outside with cranberry pinstripes accents. The upholstery was cranberry brocade. She was beautiful. I called her Sadie. She was a sassy old lady. When she was finally warm, which took some time, she loved to cruise. I could comfortably fit 7 people in my car, in seat belts. I could also fit a few in the trunk when trying to slide a few extras into the drive-in. My friend’s Honda could fit in my trunk. I inherited this car because my grandpa gave it to my mom as a second car and I was the only person in the house tall enough to drive it. I don’t know why that car felt like a lady, but she did. Eventually I had to get rid of her. The repairs were too much and my landlord was threatening to tow it away so I gave her to someone that showed up with a tow truck.
My second car was a 1972 Buick Skylark. My family was the second owner of this car. My grandpa helped my mom buy it from our neighbor, who had been the first owner of the car. When mom bought the car, it had always been kept in the garage and had very few miles on it, since our neighbor, Joy, rarely went anywhere other than the grocery store and church in it. Mom was friends with a company that did upholstery work so she had new black carpet and grey upholstery put in, in exchange for haircuts and perms until it was paid off. Then her friend spent a weekend painting everything cream colored, inside the car black. She also got a new black vinyl top. She left the green paint. The car looked great. She bought the car when I was 14 years old. It was the car that all three of my siblings and I learned to drive on.
By the time mom gave this car to me, I was 25. The car had had lots of adventures and even caught on fire a few times but it had always started and always got us home, no matter how long it had sat. I had named it Gabriel when I was a teenager. He felt masculine and that was the only angel name I knew. Gabriel had a huge steering wheel. I could not buy a steering wheel cover for this car so I bought some giraffe print fabric and red sparkly ribbon and made my own. I bought a purple feather boa and some party favors for the back window and Joshua the drunk parrot air freshener, along with a disco ball to hang in the window.
I put a lot of money into repairing Gabriel. I had to have the frame welded back together (my mother likes to drive like a race car driver and she taught us all to drive that way). After paying that bill, I was more aware of not taking corners on two wheels anymore. I replaced every part under the hood. I always had car parts and stuff for trips to Willow Grove in the truck, plus a box with every fluid Gabriel might need and basic tools, because when you drive a classic car, that is what you do. As I became an auntie I enjoyed rockin’ out with my little people. They helped me come up with the story about Joshua the drunk parrot.
So the story is that Joshua is pretty special because Joshua is another name that Jesus might have been called. It was very common where Jesus was. Joshua wasn’t sure where he came from because he drank too much. Sometimes he was from Guatemala, sometimes Cuba, sometimes Mexico, but always in South America. We always offered him pretend root beer because he was a pretend bird, except Casey. Casey always gave him pretend beer because when Joshua got drunk he had super stinky farts and Casey thought that was funny. We always had fun making up stories about Joshua. I named the bird a name that might open up a Jesus conversation or cause a conversation about being careful about what you put in your body. Plus we got to laugh.
At some point Gabriel was getting really expensive to drive. I had to fill his tank with Chevron Supreme or he didn’t run right and he only got 8 miles to the gallon in town. He also just needed the engine rebuilt and I didn’t have the money for that. I wasn’t ready to let him go, but he wasn’t fitting my lifestyle anymore.
My friend’s mom had stopped driving and my friend chose to give me her mom’s car. This car was a 1986 Pontiac 6000 LE. She was brown and as I got to know her, she was a black disco queen named Paisley Star. So I bought some purple paisley fabric and made her a steering wheel cover. I bought some silk flowers for the back window and grabbed the disco ball and Joshua out of Gabriel to decorate the window of my new rig that offered more room for car seats and legroom for my crew.
Eventually I sold Gabriel. I was between jobs and I knew if I had the money to finish restoring him, I needed to get a fuel efficient car. My dream vehicle is actually a minivan. I have always wanted to be a foster mom. Gabriel was not made for a family.
When Karen G Clemenson and I got married, Paisley was starting to nickle and dime me. We could not afford two cars so we sold her. I hear the person that bought her was able to get her shined up and keep her going.
Now Joshua hangs in the window of Karen’s 2008 Dodge Caliber. My name is on the title but this car is Karen’s. I don’t know how to drive a stick and I don’t feel like learning on this old car. The car’s name is Thomasina. This car is nonbinary. I say that because sometimes Karen uses the pronouns he or she when she refers to them. I listen a lot and I know that most of Karen’s cars have been dudes. Karen never gave it much thought, until I pointed out to her that she uses both pronouns with this car. I find that interesting. Karen hung Joshua in the window because she knows what he represents to me.
Karen and I were watching Elton John and Brandi Carlisle on TV, the other night. I was having so many memories because I love music and that is something I shared with my nieces and nephews. I remember putting together a playlist for the car with the kids and we had to have Rocket Man and Crocodile Rock on that list. Then Brandi, who I have had no musical history with, sang You Without Me and I burst into tears.
I had to walk away from my family. I stayed as long as I did because I didn’t want to lose my relationships with my nephews and nieces. I knew what happened, would happen but I had to choose me. In her song, Brandi was talking about the moment when her kids proved they were independent humans and not an extension of her. It was beautiful. It was what I wanted to watch happen and enjoy for these wonderful humans that I got to love and who called me Auntie Summer.
I ache for these humans. I want to hug them and hear their plans and aspirations. I want to listen to their passions and get to know their partners, if they have them. I want to love on their babies, if they have them. I want to see what makes them happy now.
Loss is a part of life. I have has a lot of loss. I have had a lot of blessings too. As I dried my tears, I realized if I got the opportunity to see my nieces and nephews again, I would thank them. In the dynamic of my family, it was needed that I serve. Who I was and what I wanted and needed was always unimportant. I found myself in these amazing people. Traits that had not been appreciated or fostered in me, were loved in these children and even though that meant, what it meant for me and my place in the family, I finally understood, I wasn’t wrong or weird. These children helped me learn how to be strong for me. They saved me.
I loved them from the moment I knew about each one of them. I was overwhelmed by the amount of love I felt when I touched them for the first time. These young people taught me so much about myself, and I know that even though they haven’t chosen to be part of my life now, I made a difference in their lives because I listened to them and heard them. That made me a confusion to their parents. I knew a different version of their children because I saw them as their own person.
Joshua is a reminder of singing songs at the top of our lungs, laughing at pretend stinky gas, helping each other into car seats and making sure we put our toys away or brought our things in because Auntie Summer keeps her car tidy. These kids would probably understand why I don’t spend any time that I don’t have to in Auntie Karen’s car…
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Nana never spoke about her cancer and I never asked her to. I wish I had. Maybe she would tell me what I am feeling is normal. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do, no matter how painful or humiliating and still the cancer lives inside me. I am a very modest person and I have had more strangers look at me naked in the last 3 years than I have in my entire life and I don’t even get the joy of being a mother. I knew I never would, even when I was young, but sometimes that pain feels new again. I know I am tired of the fight inside me.
Nana was a lady; very graceful and well-spoken. She taught me to be a lady, as well. I was often teased by my friends for some of my lady-like habits and called a snob for my vocabulary. Nana hated swearing. She said there were so many wonderful adverbs to choose from, why did people have to resort to such low speech? I remember, even my father’s second wife would tell me that she hated the look I got on my face when she swore, she felt judged. I don’t know what look she was talking about, but other people said the same thing. All I can say about my father’s second wife, is she is not a lady. In fact, after years in therapy and trying to make peace with not fitting in, I saw her flip off one of my relatives at a Christmas party and my thought came loud and clear: Why am I trying so hard? I don’t like these people and they don’t like me. I wouldn’t put this effort into strangers.
I can’t say I never swear, the fact still remains, I am the biological daughter of a sailor (Coast Guard) and my father was my preferred parent until he left us and between him and the kids at school, I learned a lot of ways to use words that Nana was not going to teach me, but I have to get pretty angry to use those words. But I am beyond even these words right now.
I am exhausted. The kind of tired that sleep can’t fix because when I do sleep, I have nightmares. I know it is stress. Considering radiation for my next cancer step has been difficult. It has been me, accepting that my body has failed the medication route. It is me accepting another, probably, painful treatment and more people looking at my naked body. It is me wondering if this will actually work and worrying about the side effects that the doctors can’t know about because I have fibromyalgia and she is a vindictive bear and she doesn’t like to be poked. It is me having sharp shooting pain in my face as my trigeminal neuralgia is triggered and stiff jaw joints as my TMJ joins in the party.
But is also the memories that are being unpacked that I don’t want to remember. My youngest sibling and my nephew are in town. They are helping my mother clean out her house. She is getting ready to sell her house and move out of state. My mother and I have made as much peace as we can. We know we love each other but we can’t have a relationship. We pray for each other. She emailed me and told me she would put my things in a storage unit and send the key to the gym so we could come get it. I thanked her. But my sibling started emailing me. I have had no contact with this sibling for years. The last time we communicated they told me to stop contacting their children.
All my siblings have said this to me.
Being an auntie was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me and those relationships were my most dear until I married Karen. I loved listening to the kids. I loved playing with them. I did not want to be their parent. I wanted to be their auntie. But my siblings felt like I wanted too much.
When my sibling wanted me to come to my mother’s house to unpack the garage that I had cleaned so many times over the years, where half of my things went into when we moved there because my new room was half the size of my old room, where I collected things to finally move out one day, even if I could have done it, I could not have done it with them there. I had always done everything alone. This sibling offered up my ability to see my nephew as a prize and it felt a punch in the stomach.
My nephew is a man now. He could choose to have a relationship with me if he wants to. I won’t have his parent be a go-between. I already gave all I could give to them when I helped to raise my siblings, and ALL that entails, and when I helped to take care of their babies, until they didn’t need me anymore and they told me to stay away from their children. As much as I love my nephew and cherish every moment I spent with him, I want a real relationship, not one build on manipulation. Even if that wasn’t the intent, that is what it felt like.
Manipulation is what I remember growing up. If I put up with a certain amount of abuse, I got a few new books. If I got my hair done, I owed a certain amount of chores, more than usual, even though I was on call 24/7 always. On the day my father and his second wife told us they got married (yes they didn’t even tell us they were getting married or invite us, even though they had lived together for a few years) his wife told us that their marriage would be more important than any of us kids. At least that statement was true. I always felt like I was being crushed. If I ever felt happy, there was always someone that knew how to take it away from me, so I learned to swallow myself.
My nieces and nephews were the only people in my family that I let see the real me. I let them see my joy, curiosity, love, mercy, compassion…anything good that was in me. I know that maybe that was hard for my siblings to see because that was not the Summer they ever got. They were raised by an angry, abused, absent Summer. They got the worst of me most of the time. I think my youngest sibling may have seen some of my goodness, but when they told me to stay away from their children, it had been probably years since they had seen anything good from me unless it was directed at their children.
Years later, I had always thought I had taken all the abuse, which is what I wanted, but after so much therapy, it became truth to me that that was probably not true, even though it looked like they had it easier, that doesn’t mean they were in a healthy environment. My siblings have their own traumas, even if they don’t remember them or have PTSD like I do. They might not mean to hurt me but they do. I had to choose myself at some point. And that point came when I was diagnosed with cancer.
I wish Nana and Grandpa were here. They always knew what to say. I was watching an interview of Pete Buttigieg on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert and it was so refreshing. Although Grandpa was a republican, Buttigieg being a democrat, doesn’t change the way he speaks from reminding me of Grandpa. He always pauses after a question to consider his words carefully and he uses beautiful words that mean tremendous things and when he has the opportunity to say something negative, he always takes the high road, while having a dry sense of humor. I know that many people, that are no longer in my life, might not agree with me, but I try to live my life in a way that emulates my favorite parts of Nana and Grandpa. People that do not bring out the best in me, or I don’t bring out the best in them, can’t be given much of my time because it is not healthy for either of us. This doesn’t mean I don’t have love for them, it actually means I am giving them the most love I have for them, by not abusing them or myself.
I know I can’t have a relationship with my parents. My father chose his second wife and I won’t have her in my life. I don’t think I can have my siblings in my life because I don’t think I can forgive them for removing their children from my life. I know they didn’t understand my relationship with their kids; they probably thought I wanted more than I actually did but I just wanted to love them and to be part of their life, to watch them grow and listen to what the kids had to say. I know my siblings didn’t like it when I told them what their kids actually wanted, but we come from a family where kids tend to be seen as extensions of the parents and not actually individuals and I didn’t want my siblings to make the same mistakes our parents made. My parents didn’t know me at all, if they did, they sure didn’t communicate it well to me, or they didn’t care. Neither did my siblings. In fact, I don’t know my siblings either.
I am curious about my nieces and nephews. They are all adults now. I assume they are busy with their own lives. Maybe some day they will Google me and reach out. I would love that.
Today, while I wrote this, I defrosted the freezer and cleaned out the microwave. As I washed the plate for the microwave, I thought of Nana because I wash dishes like she does. She often didn’t use a brush or wash cloth to wash just one dish, she just used her hands, scraping at hard spots with her finger nail. The other night I had a dream that Grandpa had set up a new game for one of my siblings and I to play. This particular sibling and I have no relationship. But while we played we were having a great time.I wondered why I would have a dream like that. After praying about it, I know that part of the reason we don’t get a long is that we are too alike, but also we didn’t get an opportunity to be playmates. Dad left too early and I had to become a grown up. Grandpa was letting us play in my dream and we were having fun. I am glad that Nana and Grandpa are still coaching.
If you want to watch that interview with Pete Buttigieg on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert:
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Tuesday I had an MRI. I have had lots of MRIs since my cancer diagnosis. I have had imaging at PeaceHealth St John, Longview Radiology, Legacy Salmon Creek, Legacy Mount Hood, Vancouver Clinic and now Good Samaritan Hospital in Portland and this one was the worst experiences ever. I am not saying this because of any fault of the medical team, they were wonderful, it was the equipment. Although I did stop counting the pokes at 8 for IV for the contrast dye. My veins are thin, deep and they roll. I have made sure to drink 3 liters of fluid everyday and I drank 1 liter and 24 oz before I went in Tuesday. It is all I can do to help. The specialists were busy so they kept trying…<
I have always got to wear my own clothes for MRIs. Not this time. They were focused on my uterus and unlike any other time I have had an MRI on my uterus, there was a nurse that came in to put some gel inside me to make my uterus more visible. This was uncomfortable and messy.
Eventually they decided to start the imaging until the specialist was available to get my IV in place. I’m as positive as I can be because I know if I make their job easier, I can be done and go home faster but I am a big woman with chronic pain and I am not going to lie. This MRI was a struggle.
When the specialists were available they were confident they would find a vein because they brought an ultrasound. They were successful but I swear they scraped my bone to do it. That was very painful; and I have an extremely high pain tolerance.
I didn’t want to go back in that tube. But I kept my breathing exercises going and my eyes shut and when I couldn’t stand it, I would look outside the tube to the ceiling and not think about the tube.
The sounds and shakes and quakes were different then I had experienced before. My body often answers quakes back with twitches but there was no room in the tube for that. So I kept breathing carefully.
I felt so beat up when I was done. I don’t usually let people help me, but this time I was in so much pain and I thought my back had frozen, so I did let the technician help me sit up. They kept complimenting me on how well I did, and telling me how most people can only do 10 minutes. But I knew if we stopped, we would just have to start over. They told me, most people don’t know that, but I do because I pay attention and my goal is always to find the best way to get done and not have to come back.
When I saw myself in the mirror, I kind of understood why they were so complimentary. I looked like I had been in battle. My hair was huge, my face was red, even the whites of my eyes were red.
The reason for the MRI was to be prepared for my consult with a Radiation Oncologist, which I had yesterday. My Gynecological Oncologist had referred me to him because it has been almost 3 years since I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and although it doesn’t seem to growing, it also won’t go away and my body is showing exhaustion from the treatments. I have always fought my weight and the drugs to treat this type of cancer cause weight gain and since I can’t get down to a weight that Dr Westhoff feels safe having me hang upside down for the procedure while they force air into my lungs and hope they don’t collapse, she really wants me to consider radiation and this particular doctor, at this hospital, has a procedure, she feels would work best for me.
Before I met Dr Dyer, I knew very little about radiation, but I was scared of it. My uterus is close to my hips, which already have damage from arthritis. I was scared that radiation could cause more damage to my hips, but Dr Dyer assured me that there was only a 1% chance of damage to my hips or my bladder or my bowel. I purposely am not willing to Google anything because I have anxiety disorder and I have freaked myself out online before and I am already scared. Dr Dyer appreciated this and he gave me a link to find the answers I needed to help me make an educated decision.
Types of Radiation Therapy:
External Beam Radiation Therapy – A large machine aims radiation at the cancer site through the skin and other tissue to reach the tumor. It is given in small doses, or fractions. It is given 5 days a week for 6 weeks.
Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy – Using many small beams of different strengths, focusing high doses of radiation at the tumor and smaller doses to the normal tissue around the tumor.
Stereotactic Body Radiotherapy – A highly specialized type of external beam radiation therapy used to treat cancer that has spread to the liver, lungs or bone. High doses of radiation are delivered to the metastatic site or sites using very precise beams. This type of therapy is usually delivered in 5 or fewer sessions.
Brachytherapy – A type of internal radiation therapy used for uterine cancer, where the radiation is put inside the body, either directly inside the tumor or close to it. This may be done several times to deliver a safe dose.
Side effects include:
skin irritation, tenderness and redness
fatigue
diarrhea
frequent urination or pain while eliminating
nausea
Most side effects decrease over time when treatment is over. There is a chance that long-term effects on fertility, sexual health and bowel and bladder function will arise.
Since I was diagnosed, I have had several D&C’s in order to do biopsies and to remove any obvious cancer. I have an IUD that delivers hormone therapy to me. I also take Megestrol twice a day. These treatments have kept my cancer in stage 1 but, the treatments have not killed the cancer. The goal, all along has been to have a hysterectomy but Megestrol also causes weight gain. I have always fought my weight so we also tried Mounjaro to help me lose weight. I did lose 50 lbs but then it stopped working, I was tired of the side effects and we just could not afford it anymore. $140 for a month, after insurance was too much. I stopped taking Mounjaro in January, and at my primary appointment with Dr Canada, on February 19, I found I had gained 15 lbs.
I was bummed about the weight gain so I had to realize that I hadn’t been diligent with getting enough fluids in daily. So I fixed that. I also started adding doTERRA MetaPWR oil to my water which tastes great and helps me drink more and not bloat up. I was still faithful to my daily workout. I had got lazy about portion sizes so I reigned that in a bit. I did some research and found that cinnamon was used during bible days to treat diabetes. I already take a tsp every day in my oatmeal and I think that might be why my a1c is 6.5, but I don’t think I can force myself to eat more, every day so I bought a supplement. My stomach is so sensitive and while I was researching something else, I found that ginger root is good for balancing the flora in our gut. I love ginger but I am not going to be able to find a way to get it in my diet every day, so I bought a supplement and since I began taking it, my stomach is so much more friendly to me. I already have a blend of oils I put on my abdomen nightly that has ginger oil in it, but the supplement has helped too. So even though I take a great probiotic/prebiotic, I am loving the ginger too! I also found a video that explained that if I took Camu Camu, Apple Cider Vinegar and Guarana supplements before I went to bed it should have the same affects as Mounjaro, without the side effects, which were brutal. I started taking those on Wednesday. When I weighed in yesterday, I found I had lost 4 lbs. I don’t know if the new supplements are working. The video said these supplements should show a loss of 2 lbs per day. I am always a cynic but even if it is just a placebo effect, I will take it.
Dr Westhoff, my gynecological oncologists, wants me down another 35 lbs before we do the hysterectomy, which is still the plan, even with radiation because she doesn’t want the cancer to be able to come back. With the cancer gone, I can stop taking the Megestrol, which causes weight gain. I can also stop taking Eliquis because Endometrial Cancer also causes blood clots, which I never had before I had cancer. So I can get rid of two expensive medications and have an easier time losing weight.
Dr Dyer was confident that Brachytherapy was the treatment that was going to be the most successful for me. It would be done while I was asleep. About 1 time per week for 5 weeks.
Although I am still scared, I think I am ready to move forward and choose radiation. I want to be done with cancer. I want to stop taking a few of my 15 prescriptions. I want to drop one of my 14 diagnoses.
Karen thought Dr Dyer was very thorough. She feels like radiation doesn’t seem to be super risky, according to what Dr Dyer said. Since I have one of the better cancers to get because it is easier to treat, she thinks that it is good to choose this treatment. We have goals for our future and getting rid of this cancer is a good choice. I think we are on the same page.
When I see Dr Dyer next, he will have to give me a pelvic exam. My images looked different than I have seen them before. My uterus has always been large. It is still large, but no one has ever shown me my vagina and cervix before. It is very narrow and curved. Dr Dyer said he needs to see if he can actually get in there to do what he needs to do. As most doctors do, they downplay pain. As a man, he has no idea what it feels like to have a pelvic exam and I didn’t really need to see a picture to know I am very narrow and curved, but it answered my questions. I told Karen she definitely must come with me because I intend to be stoned out of my mind and so she will have to speak for me. She smiled, and agreed she would. I never leave the house inebriated but I don’t want to remember my next appointment with Dr Dyer no matter how friendly or thorough he is.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I want to share my personal account with you about my God; the Father of Jesus. This is not something that I want to force you to read or make you feel anything negative about so if this is not your type of topic, I won’t be offended if you don’t read it, or you don’t believe me, but I have not copied any of this from anyone else. I don’t go to church, so I am not under the influence of any human doctrine. It is just my Jesus story.
I was raised in a family that believed in God. But it was kind of a fire and brimstone belief. That is not what I believe.
I have always spent a lot of time alone. One day, I was playing under the apple trees in my backyard; my favorite place to be. I was 5. I knew I was suddenly not alone. Jesus was with me. After that, unless I forgot, which is a very human thing to do, I was never alone. Although I didn’t always understand it, I went through phases where I would spend hours in the bible; especially the words in red.
Because my parents divorced when I was young and my father wasn’t around, my mother expected a lot out of me, since I was her oldest child. I didn’t know how to do most things that were expected of me but Jesus was My Friend. He taught me many things. My whole life, I have asked Jesus for help and I would either suddenly have a great idea or later I would have a dream and wake up knowing how to do something I had never done before.
I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church, with all its blessings and limitations. When I was 20 years old, I heard the voice of God, that still small voice, for the first time. God told me it was time to leave. This church had taught me all they could teach me.
I had never really rebelled as a teenager, like most kids do. I didn’t have time. I had a house, siblings, school and 3 part time jobs that I was responsible for. At 20, I was struggling and as I was starting to express some individuality and experiment with small amounts of alcohol, cannabis and hair color. The response was to shun me, not love me. But God knew me. God knew I would never enjoy anything beyond the hair color for very long. I enjoy sobriety. I am wired that way. God also knew I had gifts that I needed help with that needed a different kind of belief.
I found myself at a nondenominational church that was related to a vineyard church. I was drawn in by the couple with Mohawks near the door and the amazing music. I was intimidated by the groups of people speaking in tongues, or shaking and quaking but I loved watching the dancers and when I was almost ready to leave because this seemed to be too much, the pastor seemed to look me in the eye, from the pulpit, and say I belonged here and wasn’t it wonderful that God could be expressed in so many different ways, so freely?
I stayed there for 5 years learning things that were helpful. Things about the spiritual realm that I had experienced all my life, but could not put into words or didn’t know anyone that could help me understand before this. Some things were useful. Some things were not, but I learned to discern the difference, not from them, but from Jesus. He was still My Friend and Teacher.
When I was 25 years old I realized I was a 20 year old Christian but I felt like a toddler. I wanted to be fed, not just by the milk that the teachers at church gave, but the meat that the bible talks about. I had been failed by humans my whole life and I wanted God to prove The Word was true.
I told God I would not go to church or read the bible until it was proven to me. I don’t recommend this to everyone. It was a risky proposition. But God was faithful. I can’t prove it to anyone but me, but one by one, God proved that God was the author and finisher of my faith.
I visit churches now, but I have not found one that offers the relationship I have with God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Humans, even in their good intentions, mess things up. Politics and human nature can be our worst enemies.
I do read my bible though. Almost every day. I have read it all the way through, I don’t know how many times. Each time, I learn something new. I am encouraged. I learn more about, not only my God but myself. I learn to be objective and I learn to love.
I know that in the bible times there were many gods that were worshiped and many of them may have been aspects of My God because it was believed to even say Yahweh (the Hebrew name for God) was to own God and that was not accepted. Instead of being brave and choosing to follow one God, they broke God into pieces and worshiped God in parts. This is what made God so angry, although God did understand. That is why God had already planned to send Jesus, God’s Son, God in human form to the world so Jesus could relate to us and us to Him and He could give His life as the final sacrifice for all sin and the temples could become places of praise and worship, instead of the slaughter houses they actually were.
It has never occurred to me to learn much about other gods. This is only because no other god has ever chosen me. No other god has come to me and introduced me to themselves; they did not teach me anything, love me or help me in anyway. I am curious about other religions, only in the way that I want to respect other people and their beliefs.
Just as much as I want you to let me have my beliefs. I want to let you have yours. I hope we are both secure in ourselves and our beliefs that we can communicate in respect for each other and even learn from each other. It is my responsibility to love you and this responsibility is greater than any rights that any law a human can give me. If God has chosen you, God will change your mind.
This is my story and my truth.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have been fighting my body for years. The chronic illness and pain is exhausting. The one step forward and 10 steps backwards can be so defeating. It has taken 10 years for me to create and get to a place of success with my anaerobic workout; which means I can do it every day and still do what I need to do. From this workout I have gained muscle which supports my arthritic body and lets me do more things than I used to be able to do. Walking has been a challenge.
It is hard to fight with my hips and knees but I never gave up because I want a life that is more active than it is now. Losing 50 lbs has helped. I have got stuck in a plateau so last week I decided to try to push myself a little harder. My first longer walk left me almost unable to walk for 2 days but walked as much as I could.
I have to build up my lungs for my hysterectomy where I will be upside down for the procedure. Air will be forced into my lungs. If they are not strong enough, they could collapse and the procedure will have to end.
I have not been able to be on the floor for years. When my cat, Xavier, was dying, I had to get down to see if he was alive under the bed. I was glad to see his shiny eyes, but my knees were screaming. But I want to play with my nephews and be a foster mom. I need to keep losing weight and building more muscle to support my joints and ligaments.
I am so excited to say I walked every day last week, for even only 8 minutes, except Tuesday. I walked 22 minutes yesterday and 23 minutes today. My body seems to be accepting something I want and I am dumbfounded. She usually fights me so hard. Wow!
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I bought into the WalkFit app. It’s on sale for $16 for the first month and $40 after that. You might wonder why I would do that when my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is one of the best personal trainers in Cowlitz County…well I am sensory person and there is just too much going on at a gym and I am truly very intrinsically motivated. I don’t usually need help. But I hate cardio. It’s time to move.
I have created several great wellness habits over the years, including an anaerobic workout that I do every day, but my nana was a very fit woman and still needed a triple bypass in her 50’s and even though scans show that my heart and arteries are all good, I still would like to avoid that situation. I would also like to be able to walk a 5K one day and return to Disneyland without help and right now I can’t honestly say my body is up for that.
I like that this app has several types of walking workouts, even indoor ones that are like light aerobic workouts. That is what sold it for me but I started with just a walk because I really haven’t walked much over the last month while I have suffered with a terrible migraine, my trigeminal neuralgia has been acting up and my TMJ has been giving me hell. I successfully walked for about 17 minutes without my cane or a shopping cart, which is how I usually get my walking in.
I have been considering this for some time but what really got me to actually move was my sister/friend, Jamie J Holloway. She has several severe mobility issues and is usually housebound and wheelchair bound. Sunday she had to go somewhere and couldn’t take her chair. I am so overwhelmingly proud of her. I know she is hurting Monday and super tired from all the walking with her walker. She had to stop a lot to catch her breath but she did it and she made it home. If she could do that, I could do this. I don’t think she realizes how much she inspires me. That’s why I post these things because we should all be proud of our accomplishments. We can inspire and influence each other to be better, like Jamie and Karen and so many others do for me.
Falling asleep was hard because my feet and knees were complaining but once the Deep Blue Stick took affect and I did my nightly feet exercises a few extra times I slept like a log. However today my hips are not happy. I spoke with Karen about it and she agreed that I should take it easy today. I still did my regular workout but my walking will be grocery shopping. I am still a person with two kinds of arthritis. I will walk tomorrow.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I was a dad’s girl. I tried to call my father daddy once and we both gave each other a look. We both knew he wasn’t a daddy. It wasn’t that he didn’t love me. I knew he loved me. It was just that neither of us was overly cuddly. We were more logical. I was in grade school and there were girls that called their dads by that name and I was trying it out. It was not natural. I didn’t do it again.
If Dad was available I would be by his side. I am sure I tried his patience a lot, but I did learn to work because that was what my dad liked to do. We worked in the yard. We worked on the cars and on the bikes. We built a shed. We worked in the garden. I wasn’t allowed to prune the trees or anything dangerous but I liked being with my dad. He thought more like me. Most of my questions didn’t overwhelm him. He was usually the most stable parent. If he got upset, there was always a reason; you knew to obey him and never do certain things.
My mom was different. Her mental illness made her different. I never really knew which mom I was going to run into. She was very emotional. She wanted a daughter that wanted to be coddled and I wasn’t that way. She had an easier time with my younger siblings.
My life seemed perfect until I was 5 years old. There is a definite line in my life that started there. My great-grandmother died. I called her Grammy. She was my favorite person. Jesus introduced Himself to me when I was playing under the apple trees in the backyard. I was by myself so there aren’t any witnesses but I will never forget that day and how I never really felt alone again. I also think that was the year that my parent’s marriage really began to fall apart.
My dad left when I was 9 years old. He had made promises to me about when I became a woman. He said he would still be there for me. But he lied.
He lied a lot.
He not only lied but he left me holding the bag. I now had all his responsibilities. He really did expect me to take care of my siblings and the house. He expected me to be happy when I came to visit him even though he emotionally abused me the entire car ride to his place where I had to be respectful of his girlfriend and eventual wife. I hated her. I am positive it was mutual.
Not one promise my father made to me, growing up, ever came true.
I tried to make friends with his wife, when I was a young adult, but she didn’t want that. It didn’t fit in with what she wanted. I was supposed to be the scapegoat.
In my young 20’s, I was in therapy and trying to become whole. It was hard because I didn’t know how to leave the abuse that we were all used to. But when I got married, I left and I finally had someone that asked me to not let them hurt me anymore. After several therapists had suggested I leave them behind, I told them I needed a break. It was supposed to be a break.
But my siblings cut me off. They tallied up anything they ever hated about me and rallied against me and anytime I tried to talk to my father he would tell me about them. I was so confused. He had always said that when we were adults, his job was done. If that was true than these things were none of his business. Why was he talking to me about things they should be talking to me about, but weren’t? Why was he yelling me about this? Why was I being abused still?
When I got cancer I didn’t want my parents to hear it from anyone but me. I felt like I should respect them at least that much. I had told my friends first but that had been in a text. I hadn’t actually said it out loud yet. I had heard it at the doctor’s office with my wife and texted my friends. This was a mistake. I called my mom first but she didn’t answer. So Dad got the message first and I broke down. While I was crying he was telling me about the problems with my damn siblings and their adult kids again. What the hell!
The call ended up with me calling my father a son of a bitch. A few weeks later I sent him a letter asking for forgiveness for my response to him. I don’t believe he deserves to be spoken to like that. But I also see how he brings out the worst in me. I told him I had to be done. I told him I didn’t want to be his daughter anymore. I didn’t want anything from him ever again. I loved him and I pray for him but I had to be done.
I know he didn’t understand this letter. I know he didn’t understand the level of pain I was in to make these statements; that after years of begging for respect and love and better communication, I was removing myself from his flock. Even though I see myself as the most like him and I understand why he does what he does, I have to protect myself. I have forgiven him but I had to leave.
His wife expects me to come back because she usually gets what she wants. She has written to me in his name. I know my father knows me. He knows when I say I am done that I really mean it. I know it was her that wrote the letter that I received the week after my grandpa died, knowing I would be hurting. She really expected me to want reconciliation and she really expected me to apologize but I don’t have anything to apologize for. I am not sorry.
I have repented to God for the pain that my healing has caused. I know that my telling my stories has caused pain because my growth and honesty hurts my fixed mindsetextended family members that need to keep their secrets. It is healthy and necessary for me to tell my stories and I also know that there are people that read my stories and they are empowered by them and I want them to be. I am not so special that my stories can’t help someone just as they help me to heal.
I have been told that because I tell my stories I have betrayed my extended family members. That is the trouble with family abuse and traumas that are never dealt with until someone says; here and no further. Because my family has refused to get help with their traumas, which are there. Because they are there, they have perpetuated a system of pain. They could be proud of me. They could see that I am brave and honest. They could see that I have learned a lot of positive tools to deal with the things my brain and body lie to me about and they could join me in getting well. They have not chosen to change. They have that right.
There is a difference between forgiveness and repentance. When we repent we recognize we have made an error and we try our hardest to never do it again. I know this is next to impossible from my fixed mindset family. But it is not impossible for God to do anything. If God wants reconciliation He will make it happen. He knows what I need and what we all need. I trust Him.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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