Growing Pains

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 13, 2024 | About Summer, Cancer, Opinions, Queer Community

I am watching SEAL Team. It’s a rerun; the one where Jason’s wife is killed by a drunk driver. But this episode is not about Alana, it is totally about Jason. I am amazed to watch Jason’s entire team stop everything to support him. He is their leader but he is in need and they are there for him. They know he can handle war, but not this.

The stressful extended family dreams have made sleep frustrated lately. Every night I pray for them. I ask God to help me forgive them, in case I have missed something. I want them to to be happy. I want them to blessed. I want to be free.

This latest D&C has left me in pain. More than the others. I was told by someone that every time I go through these, there is scar tissue that gets re-traumatized. My oncologist said she was going to cut deeper this time to try to remove all the cancer. It is no wonder I hurt.

I asked for a second day of oxycontin. I have never done that before. I have to admit, I have considered asking for more but what if those pills are instigating some of the bad dreams? I need to get away from being alone, not being loved, heard, seen or valued.

I know it isn’t fair to say I wasn’t loved. I wasn’t loved in a way that felt good. I was needed. I was expected to hold things together. I was required to accept daily abuse and forgive. I was the one who served, regardless of my needs and wants. I was only supported if the other parent was at fault.

It should have got better when we became adults, but it didn’t. I was still at fault, not good enough, only there if I was to serve. No one chose to know me, hear me, or actually love me. I didn’t trust anyone because most people that said they loved me was a liar. They gossiped about me, rejected me and either lied about me or believed lies about me but never spoke to me. I was good enough to care for their babies until they were self-sufficient or their dog but I wasn’t good enough to invite to their day trips to the beach, or visits, school programs or even over for dinner. I wasn’t like them.

I can’t say I miss them. Who wants to drive four hours to be ignored? I miss the idea of the family I always wanted to love me but I am coming to peace with this.

I am definitely not a SEAL Team Member but I had seen people in my family support each other. I personally didn’t know what that felt like after my father left. I was told all my life that because I was fat I would never marry, have a good job and I would probably die young. Every ache and pain was blamed on my weight. When I went to the doctor, I don’t remember what they said but I do know that my parent would tell everyone what they knew. I had no privacy. I stopped going to the doctor.

When I was 25-years-old I started having medical issues but it was hard for me because I was so confused by how I had been raised. Also this was during the 1990’s when psychiatrists were over-prescribing medications and it was not helping me at all. This ended up being an even bigger mess and I still didn’t know I was an abuse victim, although I had kept working with a therapist.

When I was 35-years-old, it finally occurred to me to ask myself what I wanted out of life. I was so used to being told what to do and who to be. Anything I wanted that didn’t align to what my parents wanted was stupid. At this time, all I knew was that I wanted my family to love me.

Three years later, I got really sick. I had just worked with Living Ministries, our nonprofit, on a 24 hour telethon called Christmas Joy Telethon and I got the flu. I hadn’t told anyone that I had a sore on my left leg for 8 years. But this flu caused that sore to take over my leg. I knew I needed to go to the hospital but I wasn’t ready, mentally to go.

My family loves me by bullying me. My youngest sibling brought my nephew over to guilt trip me into going to the hospital. I was so angry. He and I have always had a special bond and I hated that his parent would put their child in this position. I promised him that I had a plan to go, I just needed time to be emotionally ready. I also apologized to him for what the family was doing to him. Of course the family that is closed-minded and doesn’t care what I think, did not care what I wanted, so they called the police and told them I was suicidal.

Soon I had a police officer banging on my locked bedroom door, demanding I come out. They didn’t know my name. They didn’t know anything other than I lived in my mother’s house and the family had decided I wanted to kill myself. I knew if I went with them, I would not get medical treatment. I would be taken to the behavioral sciences floor at PeaceHealth St John and probably isolated. This is not what I needed and I didn’t want this on my record.

God told me to stay calm. So I did.

My brother-in-law was preparing to break the door down. I calmly asked him to not break my mother’s house. Thankfully, he stopped.

I told the police officers, I would not let them in my room but I would open the door. I told them who I was and what was going on. When they heard about the telethon fundraiser for The Salvation Army, they relaxed. They did get me to let Karen G Clemenson in the room and one paramedic. The paramedic had already spoken with Karen. He agreed, when he saw the plain Greek yogurt and steamed broccoli that I was trying to eat that I was probably really concerned about my health and not wanting to die. He took my vitals and although they were a little high, they were not outrageous and the stress of being sick and the situation was a good reason for them being elevated.

I told him I planned to go to Legacy Salmon Creek in a couple of days. I was not interested in going to PeaceHealth St John. The paramedic said that was acceptable but if he was called back he would have to take me against my will. My leg was very swollen. I told him that he would not need to be called.

After I came home from the hospital, I think I felt a bit like Jason after his wife died. Alana had been the one to keep his life at home in control while he was away on special operations all over the world. I had been forced to let go of a lot of the walls I had built around myself to be able to ask for help. That part of me that took care of everyone and took the neglect and abuse didn’t want to do that anymore. I held on for as long as I could because I knew if I made a change, my nieces and nephews could be taken away from me. They were the only ones I had real relationships with. But at some point I had to take care of me. When I told my parents I had to take a break from them, my siblings chose my parents and took their kids with them; just as I expected.

I don’t have a large team. I have my wife, my sister/friend, Jamie Holloway, and one aunt that checks in with me. But I know my team has my back. I have spent the last 10 years learning how to listen to myself, love myself and be who I was created to be. Although I have told my parents I can’t have them in my life until they see therapists, so at least I know they are trying to be better, I doubt that will happen. Their traumas run deep. It is scary to admit the way you have lived all your life is not healthy and work to change it. I know. I have done it and I continue to do it. It is so much easier to say: This is who I am and if you don’t like it, leave — and that is what I did.

There came a day where I realized that one of my siblings had always been emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to me. My parents never protected me. This was their golden child. This sibling has paid greatly for their position, in my opinion. From the outside, they have a great life but they are miserable. So material things and manipulation have made them golden and I have no interest in competing.

It may sound like I resent this sibling, but I don’t. They have done what they need to do to survive. To be successful in a fixed mindset way. They have followed all the rules. Did everything as society told them and they look good. Most of the people I am related to are fixed mindset people.

I am a growth mindset person. I believe I can change and I can become what I want. However, convention had never interested me. I was not able to find success the way the rest of my family was. Probably a lot of that had to do with the chronic illness I live with. That as I learn to live with, I get better, however I have done it without them. When my youngest sibling was diagnosed with MS, we all did a 5K walk to support them. No one cares what I live with.

The siblings did reach out when I told my parents I have cancer. I will give them that. But it had been years with no communication. I just have nothing for them. I can’t carry any of them anymore and I don’t trust them. I have been talked about and set up too many times. I don’t want one more angry phone call, text or letter because they decided I am a monster when I am not, I’m just not the golden child.

There is a scene in this episode of SEAL Team, when Jason breaks all the beer bottles and then beats up the fridge and the garbage can until they are all dented. I can relate to his rage. Even though he scared his kids and he admitted he should not have done it, sometimes you have to let the anger out. Sometimes I have used my writing to vent, but even now, I don’t believe I am doing that. I have told some of these stories before, but not all of the details. I think I needed to share them. I needed to share that I am a reasonable person that has been treated unreasonably.

I can’t go back to how things used to be. I won’t hide my queerness to make one parent happy. I won’t let the other parent judge me when they are not without their own sin. I won’t compete with siblings that were raised by traumatized parents that didn’t have the emotional strength to handle 4 children so they forced us to compete for attention and other necessities.

After these last 10 years, I am used to being loved extravagantly by God and Karen and I don’t want any form of counterfeit. I am beautifully and wonderfully made by God and He has never left me or been shocked by me. He thinks that way about you too. I have my story. You have yours. God does not change.

I can’t worry about why my extended family thinks I wrote about them. Unfortunately, just because they ignored me and rejected me regularly, I was still there. This is my life I am writing about. I loved them. I gave to them because I wanted everything to be good. I sacrificed so much. There were teachers that would have helped me find a new home if I would have asked, but I knew I was needed at home while one parent worked and the other was off making a new family and was never there.

I knew mental illness was in my house but to this day there are working United States citizens that can’t afford health insurance so they don’t get the help they need and this is disgusting. A healthy workforce can pay more taxes and buy most stuff, let alone raise healthier children that will grow up and do the same. This makes so much sense to me as a former child of a single parent.

I was raised in a time when we didn’t know that kids could have chronic migraines. Fibromyalgia is still relatively new. Neurodivergence—OMG! How could my parents even deal with my anxiety disorder and depression when one was living with their own untreated mental illness and the other doesn’t believe mental illness is real?

Do you see how I had some short-comings? I have overcome so much! I understand how these things were missed. I am so thankful I know about what is going on inside my body now and I have a medical team that is helping me. They even agree that my wight is not my number one issue — however we now know that I have always been insulin resistant, even before I was diabetic, so diet, exercise and medicine are working for me.

In some ways, I feel sorry for my extended family because I am getting so much better, smarter, kinder, more patient and overall more interesting and compassionate. But I can’t share this with them because life is what it is and people make their own choices. I don’t come from people that forgive; themselves or anyone else. They seem to think I owe them apologies, but you don’t ask children to apologize for crying when they have growing pains and what I have done is just make space for me to grow.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Know God is Carrying Me

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 25, 2024 | About Summer, Cancer, Opinions

I am so tired and I know God is carrying me. Most of the time my prayers are: God please help. Not only for myself but when I see what is going on in the world. I am not the only one that is overwhelmed. It is hard to think about the wars in the world and the children being killed or kidnapped and the families being hurt and people who are sick when you, yourself are so overwhelmed. But God is good and He knows our struggles. He is good at answering: God please help.

In November when Karen G Clemenson got sick, I was in shock. She doesn’t get sick. I am the sick one. But we ended up at the hospital twice and found out she had a baseball sized tumor behind her right ovary. She didn’t have health insurance. Her state insurance had just been canceled and she hadn’t had time to start the process of signing up through her work. The process to get all the coverage took much longer than the few days we were promised and 6 months later we are still working on the dental plan. But besides the $15,000 bill from the ER, she is covered for her medical and we area grateful.

My dental insurance only covers cleanings and diagnostics and I had a bad dentist that told me my impacted wisdom teeth were no big deal. My new dentist has said other things. Like one of my molars was dead and had to be removed and I have to have the impacted wisdom teeth out and I have another 2 teeth that need fillings, one specifically because of another impacted wisdom tooth. Karen’s dental insurance, if we could get it to settle, would cover these things but it has taken so long that my bad molar broke. So we went in to have it removed two weeks ago and gave them the insurance and are waiting to see if they will cover any of it. Of course my mouth is still healing and it is hard to get used to my new mouth.

Meanwhile Xavier got really sick and needed a lot of care and finally I knew this wasn’t just a flare and we took him to see Dr Katie, who confirmed that it was best to help him go to Jesus, which I wrote about in RIP Xavier. I never really had time to even mourn because the next day we had to prepare for Karen’s surgery.

Yesterday, we were so thankful that our friend,Jho, picked us up at 4 am to take us to PeaceHealth Southwest Washington for Karen’s robotic hysterectomy. I was so thankful when Dr Rushing called me to tell me that she did really well in the surgery and he was confident that her tumor was benign. He felt that she would be able to leave in 4 hours, once she had had another blood test. When you have a surgery like this you have to have another blood test 4 hours after the surgery to make sure you aren’t losing blood. Her test turned out well.

The other thing that can happen after this type of procedure is that you have trouble urinating. The trauma in that area can cause things to freeze up for some women and Karen is one of them. Karen did not get to go home 4 hour later. In fact she ended up staying all night and finally being sent home with a catheter. We are hoping her primary can remove it tomorrow so she doesn’t have to go back to Vancouver tomorrow.

As I am writing this I heard a soft voice of my wife, saying she misses our boy. I do too.

I am flaring up. My body does not handle stress well at all. Since I have an IUD as part of my cancer treatment, I don’t have periods but when I am totally on tilt, I spot. I have been spotting. I have sores in my mouth. My body hurts more than usual. My appetite is scarce. I feel defensive.

But I know that God hears: God please help.

One little blessing is this plant start. On the day that Xavier (pronounced like Javier) went to Jesus, one of Karen’s coworkers gave us a start to a praying hands plant. I had been thinking I should get a plant. I have named her Xavier (pronounced the traditional way) Elizabeth.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

I Feel So Blessed

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 4, 2024 | Cancer, Opinions, Prayers

February was a hard month but it wasn’t without blessings and I feel so blessed!

As many of you know since October 2021 I have been dealing with the fact that I Have Cancer. It has been a long road with much self-searching, changes in diet and lifestyle and even in who I allow into my life. The cancer I have is endometrial cancer and it is slow growing. It is level one and hasn’t grown. I am thankful for this. The treatments have not killed the cancer but the cancer has not metastasized or gotten worse in any way. During this 2 1/2 year period, I am not sure how many D&Cs I have had to gather biopsies to check how we are doing. I need a hysterectomy but my weight is an issue. It has taken a while to figure out how to help my body lose weight. With all the other medications I take, including the treatment for the cancer I have, that causes weight gain, this has been hard, but we are finally having success.

I had my latest D&C early in February and my post-op meeting with my oncologist last week. She was so happy to tell me that my cancer has shrunk. I have been thinking about this and letting it sink in. I have been resigned to the idea that most of my illnesses are chronic and won’t go away and it is odd to me that there is a reality that one of my diagnosis’s will go away. That there will be medications that I won’t take forever. That we are getting closer to the finish line for cancer. That I can begin planning for other things to come in my wellness plan. I am so thankful!

Also I wrote that I Was Locked Out of My Facebook Account. This was very hard for me emotionally. But also financially. I have worked very hard to rebuild my family’s credit history and scores. We have come so far and I was so frustrated. But through diligence, I got the police report filed online and it was accepted, my bank disputed the charges and reversed them so I don’t have to pay for the charges and I feel so relieved. I was so worried about how to pay that bill. We never charge more than we can afford to pay off each month. We have never paid interest on that card and I didn’t want to start now. I can’t tell you how much weight this took off my shoulders.

I know that I shouldn’t have let this bother me. I was under medications I don’t usually take. People make mistakes. God is always taking care of me. But I felt shame. I felt guilt. Under normal circumstances I would have never engaged with these thieves but in reality I had been for some time. I trusted too easily and I now I know more. So there are many blessings to be celebrated here.

God took good care of me and guided me to His blessings. I am so grateful!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

I Am the One that is Supposed to be Sick

by Summer D Clemenson | Nov 28, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions, Prayers

On November 12th she started really hurting. Karen G Clemenson gets aches and pains just like anyone but not like this. She rarely gets more than a runny nose and a slight headache. She is proud of her strength and health. She likes being strong, it is part of her personal identity, that and her ability to work hard every day. She does it at work and at home. But on this day she has had to lay low. Really low. I can’t tell you how many times she apologized for being sick. I am the one that is supposed to be sick. She doesn’t get sick. It has been over 10 years since her teeth went bad, since I have seen her in this much pain. She didn’t even want to eat and Karen doesn’t turn away meals.

By Tuesday went to the ER. Her pain in her lower right quadrant was so bad she was having trouble walking. Although she drove, she couldn’t walk into the ER. I was caught by a nurse trying to procure a wheel chair. Thankfully he took over until we got to the door. We spent 7 hours there that day. They did every test and culture, except the ultra sound because she was also having stenosis of her cervix. After all that they sent her home with instructions to use Tylenol for pain. They couldn’t find any infection or reason to keep her there and we had to wait for the cultures to come back.

The next day she went to her regular clinic and took the notes from the hospital. They didn’t do any more tests because they could see that the hospital had been thorough. They gave her some muscle relaxers, pain meds and a one dose antibiotic, just in case.

Yesterday, after watching her struggle for many days and watching to see if her test results were loaded into her PeaceHealth portal without success, I called the ER to see what the hold up was. They let me know that her cultures came back normal and that she should come back to try that ultrasound again. I was afraid of the bill associated with the hospital so I called her clinic; Karen is between insurance companies. They told me to call an advice nurse because they could not advise me to come in or not. The advice nurse, after finding out that Karen’s pain had been at a 6 for several hours, said they wanted her to be seen by somebody in the next 4 hours. So I called the clinic back and left a message. Then I began to get ready for the day. They did not call me back so when we were ready to leave we went back to the hospital.

This time, Karen had success with the test and we found out she has fibroid tumors on her right ovary. The doctor seemed more upset to tell us than we were to hear it. I think I was in shock. Honestly I don’t know how Karen feels about it but she did thank me for making her come back to the hospital. I told her pain like this is not to ignore. If we waited and it became worse and she died, that was not how I planned to spend my future.

This last week I have been surprised how my body has let me do a lot of things. I am the chronically ill one. My body doesn’t handle stress well. I have been doing my chores and Karen’s. I have been helping Karen get up, walk and get into bed. I have also been doing financials and filling out charity care paperwork to get help with the hospital bill. I have found that the hospital is a perfect place to read since I have devoured almost 2 books while sitting there. I have had to adjust to the stress of our needy cat too. I didn’t start to fall apart until last night.

I had put a turkey in the crockpot before we left for the hospital so we had something to eat when we got home. When we got done with turkey and green beans and a treat of pumpkin custard with chocolate ganache on top. I had no energy left. I had to have a nap. So I set an alarm and got up at 10:45 pm to take care of the rest of the turkey. That is not a small job; pulling all the meat off the bones, setting aside the innards for Karen and separating the drippings for a stew. I needed some me time so I did a bible study and then read some more. This book I am reading is really great; it is also a good distraction.

I was chewing on the idea that it might be cancer.

I didn’t sleep well. Fibromyalgia is not nice. She causes a terrible kind of pain that nothing really helps take the sting out of and my body temp fluctuates a lot. Emotions trigger her…I am also breaking out with a new psoriasis spot.

Sometime in the early hours my sister, Jamie Holloway, sent me a message about Karen. She is worried. Because I wanted Jamie to be at rest, I googled fibroid tumors and found that they are not cancerous and don’t increase the chance of cancer but they are super painful and will probably require a surgery. But they aren’t cancer. I passed this onto Jamie. Sometimes Jamie sends me the perfect message the right time. Although I am still stressed out. This has been an expensive week and Karen has missed a lot of work and we rely on her working so heavily. I am a little relieved to know that it probably isn’t cancer and as I passed onto Jamie, Karen’s ovary is not twisted and there didn’t appear to be any other anomalies.

God must be flexing his muscles right now because the bible says when I am weak He is strong…I am about on my face.

Karen will find out soon the next step with the gynecologist. We know God has us.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information.

If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Can Only Control Me and Where I Choose to Be

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 31, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions, Queer Community

I have been feeling very vulnerable. It started yesterday. When there was an incident on Facebook between extended family members that went wrong. I thought I had removed everyone attached to people that knew someone that I need to stay separate from. But I was left feeling very unprotected by someone I don’t know, in a situation I wish I had stayed out of. So after praying and thinking about it, obsessively, because that is what people with OCD do…and then talking to a cousin that is discreet and compassionate, I decided to unfriend and block a couple more people in order to protect my peace that I have fought so diligently for. I can only control me and where I choose to be.

But this is not the best way to protect yourself and not the way that normal, mentally healthy people protect themselves from life’s normal stressors. This month has been quieter than August and September which had me at doctor appointments every week, sometimes 2 in one week and left me feeling like a pin cushion and over stimulated by people touching me and giving me all kinds of advice. But I did get a haircut which does make you feel like you did something just for you. I had a doTERRA class online, which enriches your brain. I went to the dentist for the first time in 4 years. I had my first mammogram. I also did one of those at home colon cancer tests and blood screening tests too. I met with my psychiatric RN. I also spent a lot of time going through all of our things and throwing away un-useful things and setting aside things we don’t need for The Red Hat. All while praying for my uncle that had a hip replacement and my aunt that had a much needed breast reduction; they are doing very well.

I really enjoyed my experience with my new stylist. Her name is Taylor Daines and she works at Wild Aces Salon in Kelso, Washington. She is a transplant from Las Vegas. I heard of her in the Longview Rainbow Group on Facebook. Someone posted a picture of their hair and a review and I thought I would give her a shot since the last person that cut my hair didn’t return my messages. Taylor is very sweet and the shop is very eclectic. She prefers to just cut hair, but she can color as well. If you want to make an appointment find Taylor Daines online. Did I mention she also keeps her own bees?

I have no really good reason for missing my teeth cleanings for 4 years. I just don’t like going to the dentist. I made a huge mistake and I am going to pay for it. I have insurance coverage but it only covers cleanings and X-rays. The last dentist I saw told me my impacted wisdom teeth were not a problem but that wasn’t true then and it isn’t true, especially now. After Karen G Clemenson gets her insurance figured out and it is my secondary insurance I will be able to get my 2 impacted wisdom teeth removed, plus one molar that was ruined by one of the wisdom teeth and then have a filling in another tooth that has a cavity from pressure from the other wisdom tooth and then one more filling I earned on my own. All in all, I need 3 teeth removed and 2 filings. At first I had a vanity moment, but then I thought about it. My wisdom teeth are impacted and I have never used them. The one molar is on my left side where I have trigeminal neuralgia and I don’t chew on that side of my mouth as it is, so I guess it works out ok for me. The dentist said that my mouth is too small for implants so that isn’t even an option (you have to have enough room for the implant and the drill at the same time and I don’t). Overall in 47 years to have only 3 cavities, and 1 is from a tooth I can’t clean. I think that is a pretty good history. The hygienist did say that I do a really good job cleaning my teeth. She was really surprised with how little buildup there was after 4 years of not having my teeth cleaned…Yes I have my next cleaning already scheduled.

I have fought against a mammogram for several years. I hate being touched my strangers. I have issues with being naked in front of people. Mammograms do not sound fun or pain free. My breasts have not changed ever…I ran out of excuses and finally sucked it up last week. The Kearney Breast Center at PeaceHealth St. John Medical Center is probably the most pleasant place you can go for a mammogram. I have been to most of the departments there and this one is about comfort. The walls are painted in a pleasant magenta and are covered in beautiful art prints. The furniture is comfortable. The dressing rooms are roomy and pleasant. The lighting is calming. The music is soothing. The staff is soft spoken, professional, patient and gentle. My only complaint is that when you have chronic pain in your rib cage, leaning into the hard plastic machines is very painful. Also my sister, Jamie Holloway, who was given much larger breasts than I was, said it was not painful. My answer to her is that when you have small breasts, they have to stretch them…I will let your imagination answer what I think about that. The upside…I don’t have breast cancer. Thank You Jesus!

My primary has been trying to get me to do the colon cancer screening for 2 years. She finally said I had two choices: colonoscopy or the take home test. So I gave in. Both sound disgusting to me but the latter sounds less painful. The take home test was mailed to me and included a blood test but I wasn’t sure what was for. I made it through the process. In a week I got a letter back that I don’t have color cancer and my A1c is 7.11%. I am thankful that I don’t have colon cancer. I am also thankful that my A1c is down. The last time my primary checked it, it was 7.25% so the changes I am working on, are making a difference. Thank You Jesus!

I met with my Psychiatric RN yesterday. We were supposed to meet a couple of weeks ago but he got sick and we had to reschedule. A few weeks ago I was going to ask him to increase my meds. I was going through a terrible time dealing with a huge loss and it was wreaking havoc on my ability to manage my life. But I have accepted the loss of those things and made it through. When I told him that he suggested that we can try some anti-anxiety meds that I can have with me for trouble times that happen. I would only take these pills during extreme times. I want to think about this. I already take a lot of meds. Also Karen found a file that has medical information in it from the beginning. It may have the list of meds that we tried in the beginning that made me suicidal. I don’t remember the names of the meds so this list is important. I would like to have time to go through this file and be able to share this information with my Psychiatric RN so that we don’t end up taking a step backwards. We will be meeting that last week of December. We have paid the $7500 for the year that my insurance requires so my meds are less expensive now so we can get a lower price to start out too.

Cleaning out unnecessary things is a good way to make room for change. It is also a good way to find things you have lost. We have found so many important things in this room and even in the car…Karen has been going through the car and found so many useful things out there too! But we have also found things we don’t need to keep anymore. It is good to get rid of the things that don’t fit anymore or you aren’t using anymore or don’t mean anything to you like they once did. It helps to clear the air. It also makes room for creativity which is always my goal.

Later this week I will be going to Vancouver to have an MRI on my abdomen to see if the endometrial cancer in my uterus has grown. So far it has not, that we know of. My doctor is hoping to have me lose as much weight as possible before my hysterectomy so if the cancer has not spread we will probably wait until the New Year for my surgery. I do feel as though I have lost weight. My clothes are fitting differently and I feel like my shape is changing. I haven’t had a chance to weigh in for a month or so. I am sure they will weigh me before the MRI so maybe I will know more then. I have an appointment with my primary in mid November but she may be able to get me in sooner, if there is a cancellation. I think the Mounjaro is helping and we will probably increase the dose when I see my primary.

I can’t control what other people are going to do, but I can control me and I control my surroundings. This is what mentally healthy people do. Not everyone has to disconnect from their extended families but I did. I knew when I got cancer, I had to choose me. It was a very hard choice. I tried a trial run but when I tried to re-engage it didn’t work. I can’t make anyone forgive me and give me a clean slate. I can’t make anyone choose good mental health. I can’t make anyone love me the way I want to be loved. But I can love myself and I can celebrate healthy relationships as they come. I can also let unhealthy ones go as necessary.

So if this encourages you to get your health screenings, remove drama that is hurting you and make healthy boundaries and celebrate the successes in your life than I have been a success! Be blessed.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

You Can’t Fix Me

by Summer D Clemenson | Sep 27, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions, Prayers, Wellness

I have been depressed for at least a month. This is a big depression. I have lived with bouts of depression for as long as I can remember. Anxiety too. You can’t fix me. I can’t fix me. I think this is the spur in my saddle because God has chosen to not heal me. But He has not left me alone or unprotected, even though my brain lies to me and tries to get me to believe that I am alone, and that I will never see my dreams fulfilled, and that sometimes I am better off dead.

As a chronically ill person I have a lot of diagnosis’ and I have a lot of things I do every day to help me have a life as healthy as possible. I often pray throughout the night, since my body temperature and pain levels fluctuate making it hard to sleep, not to mention the nightmares or stressful dreams. But I also pray before I get out of bed. I also have a workout that focuses on my core and hips before I get out of bed or walking is very hard. I used to have a personal hygiene self care list because when you are depressed, it can be hard to floss your teeth, but I have finally got the habit of my personal care leading up to dressing set. I take a lot of meds; 15 prescriptions to be exact. I have three batches of meds I take daily: morning, mid-day and evening; I also have an injectable I take on Saturday evening. I have timers set to remind me. The second set of meds revolve around meals. Most days I take a walk and also have an afternoon workout. All my workouts are about 10-15 minutes long because when you have chronic pain you can’t go too long or you might not function well the next day. I have a bible study time. I have reading times. I have daily chores to keep my home clean. I must clean something every day because I can’t do big cleaning days. I have so many food sensitivities that I cook most of my food from scratch. I have to order some of my food online because I can’t find some items in Longview. It is a lot of work to be me.

My Medical Conditions Are:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
Major Depressive Disorder
Fibromyalgia
Psoriatic Arthritis
Osteoarthritis
Lymphedema
Hiatal Hernia
Gastrointestinal Reflux Disease
Diabetes
Chronic Migraine
Endometrial Cancer
Morbid Obesity

I see a Psychiatric RN to help me manage my mood stabilizers and a Therapist to help me with my thoughts and mental wellness plan. I see a Neurologist to help me with my migraines. I see a Rheumatologist to help me with my arthritis and fibromyalgia issues, however nobody usually has many answers for fibro. I control my GERD through diet since the meds for GERD cause cancer. I see Gynecological Oncologist for my endometrial cancer. I also see my Primary for everything else. Since August I have seen them all and even had several consults with other specialists for several other things. This is the first week I have not had one or two appointments and had to offer my arms up for blood tests. I am sure this is part of my depression. I am exhausted.

I have also had several big losses since May.

I am also facing some big things. The cancer meds cause weight gain. The hysterectomy I am facing is very dangerous at my size. I am having a very hard time getting weight off. The idea of having my girl parts removing is hard to face on its own, but the fact I could die or not be able to handle the laparoscopic surgery and will awake to being cut open from stem to stern really scares me not only for vanity reasons but the pain and agony of the healing process and the chance of complications and infection really causes me to lose my breath sometimes.

Yesterday was a terrible day. I struggled to do anything. I struggled but I did do my morning workout and prayer and get dressed. i did take my meds. I did take a walk. I did put laundry away and made dinner. I posted a request for prayer and so many replied that they would pray and that helped so much!

One woman replied with a laundry list and it really pissed me off. I know she doesn’t know me. I don’t think she knows what real depression is. If she did she would know that when you are low enough to post on a social networking site for help, the last thing you need is a to do list. You just need to know that someone heard your plea.

I was born a literal person. I am very clear when I write. I was specific. I asked for prayers. That is what I wanted. I have my daily lists. I know what to do. Sometimes that list is not enough. That is what I was trying to convey. You might wonder how I can write this if I am depressed, because I am still depressed. For me, writing sometimes helps me find my voice and come out of it. But many of us that live with depression have had to learn to live with it. We function to some extent in spite of our depression. We know that it will probably get better because this isn’t our first time. What we need is people to listen when we are brave enough to say: Hey see me! I feel like I am drowning over here.

You can’t fix me. But you can see me and hear me or you can just leave me alone.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Cancer Update May 2023: I Am Scared

by Summer D Clemenson | May 24, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life

The last week or so has been a lot. I am tired and I am scared. These are the words to sum up how I feel and I hate that I have only these words to say. Last Monday, May 15, 2023 I had my final D&C. I didn’t realize it would be my last one, but now I know it is. It was the most painful. I don’t usually ask for pain meds, but I begged for some, at least 2 to get through the first day. After that I welcome pain to help me know my limits, but that first day, I felt like my lady parts were on fire and it was not something to be ignored. When I heard from the doctor again it was to inform me that I had to come into the hospital again for an MRI on Sunday May 21. There is nothing calming, sweet or non-traumatic about an MRI so I wont go into details, but my technician was really nice.

Today Karen and I met with my oncologist, online for my post-op. We were told that the hormone treatments have kept the endometrial cancer from growing or spreading but they have not done anything to get rid of the cancer. We have been working on this for over a year now. But since the treatment is keeping it at bay, my doctor is concerned about my breathing and my weight (it is allergy season and I am very congested and I have only recently begun taking Mounjaro) and my doctor is about to have a baby and going on leave from June to October, we are planning for my hysterectomy to be in October. This will give my body a chance to see if Mounjaro will help me with weight loss, get through allergy season, and my doctor will have a chance to have her baby and heal and bond with her little one.

I trust my doctor. She is a good doctor. She gave me many more details but beyond the fact that my surgery will be at Good Samaritan Hospital because they are set up for larger patients and she wants me to see a plastic surgeon about a tummy tuck if they can’t do a laparoscopic hysterectomy, I don’t remember anything else. It is weird how the word CANCER can create a vacuum in your mind, making it really hard to remember important things.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Have Been Learning Me

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 10, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions

I have been learning me diligently for about 20 years now. It might be odd that I didn’t start until I was in my mid-20’s for some, but it makes sense to me. I lived in a very controlled environment. It didn’t even occur to me to ask myself what I wanted until I was 35-years-old. I am not angry about it. It is just a fact. I don’t believe that age confines us to anything. I believe that age is just a number to keep track of how long we have been here, what is important is what we think and believe.

In fact what I thought and believed kept me in a small and controlled environment because I didn’t believe I could leave. I didn’t have faith in myself. I was scared. In reality I can’t afford to live on my own. The cost of living is well beyond my disability benefits, which I didn’t have when I was living in my controlled environment. Even with a wife who works 2 jobs we have had a hell of a time finding housing that isn’t too close to the industrial area of town or infested with bugs. I can’t live with either. We lived 2 blocks from the industrial area for 3 years and I was constantly sick and terrified with the drug and gang life that surround the area. We lived with cockroaches and bed bugs for 11 months and I came really close to another mental break; I still have flashbacks. I think people that can live in these environments are so brave. I am not brave in this way.

I hate fighting. I avoid it and have avoided it at all costs all my life. I am so thankful that Karen and I agree on this. We don’t fight. We both grew up with fighting. We have fought about 2 times; for real fights. Enough to know we fight the same. No one is listening and everyone is screaming and saying things you can’t take back. So we don’t fight. We take a time out and then we talk it out. Tearing down the team is not on our agenda. But most of the world is not made this way. But as I addressed in Addressing Mental Health Issues, I often fight inside my head with characters that I don’t have in my life anymore, or rather I used to have in my life.

Since I have relinquished these characters to God with His blessings on them, I have been able to sleep better. But they snuck back in through my dreams the last few nights. I tried to ignore them but they were sitting there, ready to fight, until I remembered that I don’t have to live with them and I asked God to take them and love them and bless them and keep them far from me and I feel so much better. I want their wellness and if we are to reconnect, I want God to orchestrate that. Right now I am working on being at peace and I can’t do that while fighting with people who aren’t actually here.

All my life I was told I would never succeed because I was fat. I would never have the job, relationship and health I want because I was fat. I read the books that were put in front of me, I watched and worked out with the videos they placed in front of me; I believed them. But you know what? There is more to me than my fatness. Even though many in the world are afraid or angry with me about my size, I don’t have to be. A few weeks ago I started to think those thoughts because my underwear is falling apart. When I went to the site where I bought them in the past I had to search my purchases because I couldn’t remember the brand and I remember that I really like how they fit in the beginning of our relationship. They didn’t fall down, they didn’t pull, the fabric breathed nice and I didn’t feel too warm. I bought the same brand for Karen, funny enough, I bought her’s 2 years ago, which started me thinking a different thought. Now I wanted to see how long it has been since I bought myself new underwear. You know what? I have been wearing the same underwear for 3 years. I had forgot to replace them sooner. No wonder they are starting to fall apart. It isn’t because I am fat. It is because I forgot to buy new ones…and guess who it getting new underwear next month? Self care is so important.

I am not saying that I should not be aware of my eating habits and working out, but beating myself up about my size is not healthy either. I am very fat. But my blood pressure is always good, unless I am in a lot of pain or angry. My cholesterol is in normal range. My a1C is in pre-diabetic range with the lowest dose of medication. All my blood tests are good. I do have cancer but we are working on that. I have chronic mental and physical illnesses but I might have had all of these if I were skinny too. I recently had a CT scan on my organs and they all look good. There is a little fat on my liver, so I am making a few more changes to my diet; less processed foods, more nuts for healthy fats, but I already don’t drink anything but water, herb tea and maybe a decaf Americano 2-3 times a week. I cook most of our food so I can control what types of carbs and ingredients we are eating; I eat oatmeal with dried fruit and nuts made with almond milk in the morning and that is what brought my cholesterol down.

We did have a treat yesterday though because you have to have treats every now and then. I am so excited that I finally found the pizza of my cravings. For years I have this taste I have craved but have never found it until yesterday. We have tried several pizzas at PieTrio’s Pizzeria and always enjoyed them but it was never perfect until yesterday when I decided to get the BYOP. You can choose 4 toppings so I chose Beef, Salami, Artichoke hearts and Fresh mushrooms. It was perfection! Their crispy crust and the perfect red sauce with the lightest hint of fennel and just the right amount to mozzarella was amazing! Why am I telling you this? Because it made me happy and two thin slices were satisfying and I like to support local business when I can. If you haven’t tried them, you should.

PieTrio’s Pizzeria
614 Commerce Ave Longview, WA 98632
360-353-3512
Find them on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pietrios/

Also the fact that I can occasional enjoy some pizza with red sauce proves that my stomach has healed a lot. I have successfully removed nightshades and kept gluten to a minimum so that on occasion I can have a little bit. Although I love tomatoes, my stomach and joints can’t handle them every day. My stomach doesn’t even digest bell peppers or most peppers. So pizza is a treat, not a lifestyle, which is the way it should be anyway.

Everyone’s wellness journey is personal. What works for one, wont work for another and that is ok. I was at a doTERRA class about supplements, yesterday, and we were sharing experiences and people were suggesting things for my chronic stuff. They didn’t understand that I have been doing this a long time. I have been using doTERRA for 11 years and although I don’t know all their products I have tried almost all of their oils. I appreciated the suggestions and was glad to share that my response to Turmeric is anaphylactic so, no, Turmeric is not an option for me because I like to live. But I did learn about a product that I would never have tried because in other forms it doesn’t work for me but after hearing about how it is working for others for chronic pain, I am willing to try it. Maybe it will help me overcome some of my pain so I can train for the 5K I still want to do…after I have healed from the hysterectomy I will probably be having in the next few months, of course.

I was recently invited to join a group on Facebook that looked like a nutrition group. I hate feeling interrupted by groups but I thought I would give it a try. Turns out is a group to market diet foods based on some MMA from the past. I know doTERRA is an MMA too but it is my only one and I don’t tend to purchase anything but oils and I love their deodorant. My body can’t process fake sugars and food coloring well. It causes my blood pressure to shoot up, sometimes the coloring comes out my sinuses or other weird places. I don’t know if it is the fake colors or the oils they use to make them stick to the powders but I just don’t eat diet food. I am better off with a burger and fries than diet food, in most cases. I gave it a try but I can’t stay in a group that keep showing me pictures of “donut holes” that are “healthy”. That isn’t working for me. I have worked really hard to learn how to learn how to enjoy real food in moderation or learn to enjoy healthier foods to sabotage myself like this.

Now all I need is a … well God knows. Thanks for reading.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Bruises

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 16, 2023 | Cancer, Poetry

My arms and torso and legs are covered in yellow
not my happy yellow but the one with a bit of brown mixed in
that makes me sad to look at
It is heavy and thick like wet cement
and made worse by the valentines I can’t swallow

If I could have a baby
the one I have always wanted
I would paint their room a rainbow
including yellow with a hint of lavender
my favorite color
But it wouldn’t be the color that would make me smile

How would you know
You have never had a child
These are mean words that cut deeper than the curette
used to cut away at the cancer cells inside my uterus
The bleeding and cramping will heal after the medical procedure
but I will be forgiving for a much longer time

I told them to go away and then I made them do it
because I was tired of feeling rejected
unloved
I told them what I needed
But after the compassion was handed out to everyone else
There was never enough for me

I want to be green and lush
Cool and clean
but my memories keep me awake and steal my smiles
I feel so alone even though You are with me
Why can’t I let this sadness go

Radiation treatment is the next trauma
I don’t know what color I will be then
but I know You will be carrying me
when I can’t move on my own

Cancer Update February 6, 2023: D&C under anesthesia

by Summer D Clemenson | Feb 14, 2023 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions

I had my 4th procedure on Monday February 6, 2023. When I say procedure I am speaking of a D&C under anesthesia. My oncologist removed the IUD, filled my body with gas and made my uterus dilate. She inserted a camera to see what there was to see and took biopsies of the tissue in the lining of my uterus and removed any obvious cancer cells. Although it is a common procedure and I have had it 3 other times besides this time, I still was very anxious and very thankful that Karen could be with me until it was time to go to the operating room.

When I am very anxious I twitch in my torso and legs, sometimes in my arms. The anesthesiologist noticed when she came to see me before the procedure and I let her know about my random and involuntary twitching. She told me she had some medicine for that that she would give to me before she put me to sleep.

I hate the ride to the operating room. It makes me feel out of control and a little nauseous, even with the patch they put behind my ear to avoid that. So I keep my eyes closed. The operating room is very intimidating. It seems extremely large when you are on a gurney. Almost bulbous. There are people on all sides of the rooms getting things ready, just for you. You hear all kinds of sounds, music, tools being prepared that sound much like setting a large family dining room table. Everyone has those little booties over their shoes so their feet make that faint shuffle sound with every step. But as they asked me to move from the gurney to the cold, metal operating table all I could hear was the blood pumping in my ears as, what seemed like 5 nurses, all trying to offer their help with my gown and getting my arms in the right spot and getting me centered on the table.

I have skinny and deep veins. It is always a challenge to get an IV in my arms. I know this, so I made sure to drink a gallon of water the 2 days before my procedure and a liter of water before I was cut off from any fluids. It is the only thing I can do to help; making sure I am not dehydrated is all I can control. This day was no different. They brought in the hot packs, they beat on my arms, they had the tourniquets on and finally brought in the special light to be able to see where my veins were. They chose a spot that is hard for the technicians in the operating room, my wrist. If my hand is not perfect the medicine doesn’t go in so someone has to hold my hand during the procedure to make sure I don’t wake up. Usually I am asleep a lot faster but on this day, it took us a minute to realize the arrangement we were stuck with by the phlebotomist. My oncologist came in and flipped my blanket and gown over my face. The nurses quickly said hello to the doctor but obviously more with their eyes, because my gown was pulled down and my doctor said hello to me. I was able to say, “Hello Dr Westhoff,” before I fell asleep…this the fourth time we have met like this, at some point modesty is not on the top of the list.

When I woke up I was being returned to my room. I felt like my vagina had been scrubbed by a pine cone and that pine cone had been shoved in my uterus and was quietly on fire. I don’t remember it feeling this bad after other procedures. I kept telling people how bad it hurt. Unlike other times where I was ready to jump off the bed, get dressed and leave, this time I was not in a hurry, although I wanted Karen to be found as quickly as possible. The nurse told me I had been brought directly from the OR to my room, instead of going to recovery first so this must be the difference. At some point Karen showed up. No one offered me any of the nice intravenous meds I had been offered in the past and if I could just stop the world from spinning, I was ready to go home and be miserable there. I was offered one dose of oxy but I turned it down. I don’t like that stuff.

The next day it was obvious that just as the other times, I had needed to be put under more so I would stop moving. I know this because my throat was burning from the tube that had been put down my throat. I have had a terrible cough since as my throat has healed. I move all the time. I rarely stop, even if it is only small movements. I am sure this makes it hard to do what the doctor needs to do.

This week has been hard. More emotionally hard than anything else. I have been depressed for the last month and let me tell you, this procedure is not what you need to come out of it. I feel isolated and the after effects of surgery for me are not fun. My body does not like to be poked and prodded and there are ways it shows me, both mentally and physically that are unpleasant.

I have been watching for emails from my doctor about the biopsy. I got one a few days ago that said there was still cancer there. I wasn’t surprised because I had been ordered to begin the cancer meds again. We had stopped them after I had the blood clots in my lungs, back in October, so that my body could respond and get rid of them. Cancer meds aren’t fun. I keep telling myself I am lucky because other people have to fight harder with other methods that are more painful…but today I got an email from my oncologist that said we have to talk about radiation.

I didn’t need this today. I am so tired. I am so sick of pills. I am so angry to be stuck in this body. There is always a barrier standing in front of me and I just want a bit of freedom…

…and yet God is faithful and He will bring me through this too.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Sometimes You Just Feel Thankful! A Cancer Update

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 25, 2022 | Cancer, Life, Thanksgiving

I feel so thankful today! I just got off my video appointment with my oncologist just a few minutes ago and got really good news. Sometimes you just feel thankful and this is one of those times for me.

This appointment was supposed to be a pre-op appointment for my next procedure, the first week of November but because I haven’t been on my blood thinners for a month yet, Dr Westhoff wants to put my next procedure off until early December. Hey, I don’t mind.

She told me that my pulmonary embolisms were very large and there were three factors that could have contributed to why I got them: my inactivity because of my pain levels, my endometrial cancer and the Megestrol to treat the cancer. I haven’t been taking my cancer meds for a couple weeks, when she told me to stop taking it.

She wants to hold off on the next D&C until I have been on the blood thinners for at least a solid month. She also wants to order an ultrasound on my legs prior to my next procedure to make sure that there are no new blood clots in my legs. If there are blood clots found, we will wait a bit longer for my next procedure because the type of anesthesia we use can actually cause blood clots to come loose and send them to my lungs and then I will be in the same position.

Once we are able to do the next Dilation and Curettage she will decide if and when I will restart taking the cancer meds.

She also told me that I will be taking Eliquis longer than 3 months, but as long as I have active cancer in my body. She insisted that I needed to stay on Eliquis and not another medication because it works better with my treatment and the fact that I have cancer is a factor that may cause me to have blood clots. I was a little stressed about that because that means $250 a month, after insurance. Dr Westhoff helped me to feel better when she told me that she would have Legacy’s pharmacy call Karen with resources. Because I have cancer there are resources to help get that number to an easier amount each month. Thank You God!

Dr Westhoff made sure to remind me that during the last procedure she could see that my body was responding to the treatment plan. She is also happy that I haven’t had a period in 2 months which means that the IUD is doing its job in making my uterus a peaceful place…I will be doing blood work for my primary tomorrow to verify that I am no longer anemic…

All in all I am getting good news from my doctors and I am so THANKFUL!

Happy birthday Mom!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I Had to Paint my Toenails Today

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 11, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

Coming home is a process and sometimes each day has only enough spoons for that day and not enough for coming home. My last procedure for my endometrial cancer was in August and I was told to remove my toenail polish, all my jewelry and wash from head to toe with antibacterial soap twice and wash all my bedding and clothes I would wear to bed the night before and to the hospital. I have been home 5 days from my bout with deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism but I am still not totally here…so I had to paint my toenails today.

If you aren’t chronically ill or aren’t close to someone who is, you might not know what I am talking about when I mention spoons, but basically, it is a way of talking about how much energy you have. If you are my wife, with untreated ADHD, you have many more spoons than I do. If you are a normal middle-aged woman you might have twice as many more spoons as I do…the number of spoons I have varies depending on how much pain I am in, what I did the day before, how much anxiety or depression is affecting me today and if there is something else happening that I don’t know about, like DVT or PE.

I never did repaint my toenails after my procedure in August. There have been lots of reasons why. Sometimes it is hard to come back home after being in the hospital and I just didn’t do it. But it is a vanity that makes me feel like myself and I should have done it as soon as I could sit up.

Having cancer has been not unlike any other diagnosis for me. I know it is there. I take my meds as prescribed. I drink my water. I have cut out some more of my favorite foods. (I should premise that my favorite foods have included tomatoes, pineapple, peppers, chilis, curries, and many other healthy foods). I do my exercises. I try to stay positive. I show up at the hospital when they tell me to. I planned it that way. In fact my diagnosis for arthritis bothered me more, it is not curable and it is debilitating. With cancer there is a chance it will be cured. The fact that I have cancer has made my body more susceptible to blood clots and the hormone treatments has also increased my chances at blood clots.

Enter DVT and PE…I was reading about them today. I am taking my blood thinners. Not the old, less expensive ones but the new and very expensive ones (donations can be sent via PayPal to karen@wellnessworksnw.com…I am not joking…these meds cost double what we usually spend on ALL my meds for an entire month, after insurance). We chose the new ones because the old ones have lots of side effects, I would have to come in for blood tests weekly and I would have to give up even more of my favorite foods and there aren’t many left.

My breathing has gotten much better the last two days but I am still tired really easily. The articles I read said it could take 3-6 months for my body to break down these blood clots.There is a chance my body will never break them down. That is not where my mind is going.

I had an appointment with my rheumatologist today. I like her but she is located inside PeaceHealth St John. I was very stressed while being there. I am thankful that I didn’t have a full blown anxiety attack and my blood pressure was only slightly high…I have lost 10 lbs since I was weighed on Friday…this place makes me crazy. When I checked in, the receptionist kindly asked me if I would like a wheelchair. I thanked her but told her I needed my exercise. I want these blood clots gone. I may move slow, but I am trying to get back to me.

I am glad I painted my toenails today…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

I am Here Now

by Summer D Clemenson | Oct 10, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Life, Opinions

I keep reminding myself that I am here now because it is the truth but my mind keeps slipping back to the past. I keep feeling the cords on me holding me down. I keeping hearing the beeping of the machines. I sometimes feel their hands on me holding me down and telling me not to help them because it makes it worse while they ripped my clothes off of me. I tried to tell them that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD and I needed to be heard, but their rules were more important than me. My heart rate shooting up, sweating, and my hyperventilating were part of my new condition but they were probably part of mega anxiety attacks. Why couldn’t my wife be with me? She has seen all my parts. She is a trained CNA. She grounds me.

It has been hard to try to come back to my life. I keep slipping back into recent events and very old ones. I am always telling myself: I am here now. My emotional support animal, Xavier, is here. When she is not at work, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, is here. I have my diffuser going and air isn’t cold and dry, although I am still dealing with the after effects of 6 days of cold dry air. My sinuses are killing me and I my nose bleeds all the time. I would tell the nurses about the air and they would all say the same thing: Is it?

I told my friend about some of my experiences and she asked me why I had not changed into a gown when I was in ER and I had no answer. The ER department is very different from ICU. In ER, my wife could have helped me. I was well aware that I was very sick and in need of help, it would have taken me a long time to undress and dress myself but I trust Karen, in fact she is one of the only people I do trust.

I went to PeaceHealth St John with shortness of breath and chest pain on Sunday October 2, 2022. I had been having shortness of breath since the Wednesday before and thought maybe my asthma had been flaring up, although I haven’t had a flare in years; I have arthritis in my ribs so I am also used to some pain in my chest as well. Up until that day, taking a nap helped, and by the evening the pain was a strong 7 and I couldn’t fall asleep for the pain. I finally agreed that I am not Wonder Woman and since I had never had a heart attack before, what if this was what was happening?

They took me back to a triage room right away and I was given an EKG and my stats were checked. My numbers were off and my heart rate was thready. I was taken back to a room in the ER and also given a test for COVID…which I don’t have. Eventually a doctor came in and told me he thought I was having a heart attack because my heart was creating a hormone that tells that. I was going to be given blood thinners and admitted to the ICU. Eventually a wonderful nurse was following me down the hall, which I couldn’t walk down without leaning against the wall, trying not to pass out. She was listening to what I was saying and running to get a chair. After that she talked the doctor into a CAT scan where they found that I had a large blood clot in each of my lungs. One was putting pressure on the right side of my heart and stressing it out. I wasn’t having a heart attack but that was why my heart was creating that stress hormone.

The CAT scan was terrifying. The ride to get the CAT scan was terrifying. All the lights and colors and people not talking to me, but about me. I couldn’t focus. I can’t handle being man handled. I have no doubt that this team could care for me but they weren’t talking to me or asking me questions. I had never been to this hospital for this service before. My experiences with Legacy were very different. They tell me everything and listen to me; it helps me stay calm and be part of my experience. I know the medical professionals were doing their job at PeaceHealth St John but they were only treating my body, they were not considering my mental status and they were causing me trauma after trauma.

I was trying so hard not to cry. I knew no one would care if I cried and it would only stress my lungs out more. By the time I was admitted to ICU I was a mess and that was the worst experience ever. The nurse that led my experience of moving me from one bed to the other and ripping my clothes off, while refusing to listen to me at all, brought in a fan and wanted to know if we were best friends now. I couldn’t speak. I was terrified of her. Even as she put oxygen on me, which I knew I didn’t need, I kept it on because I was afraid of her.

The next morning they brought in an ultrasound machine to look at my legs and found more blood clots in my left leg. The technician came back the next day to have a look at my heart. He could see my heart was still stressed out on the right side. That ultra sound was super uncomfortable. The skin under my breast is very soft and it got all torn up. It is still healing and very painful. He was a very nice man and that wasn’t his goal but it was another blow to my experiences…

I did have one nurse that I really loved in ICU and she was the main nurse I worked with. She helped me a lot and I really appreciated her.

Every doctor said the same thing…that my blood pressure was good and that they could find no reason for the blood clots other than a reaction to the hormone therapy I am going through to treat my endometrial cancer…that will be another adventure…all of them seemed surprised that even though I was stuck in bed I was doing exercises every day. What else was I supposed to do? I was bored and I have arthritis? Movement is the only thing that works for me. Even if I can only do the easy ones…(My oncologist did take me off the Megestrol and said we talk more on my pre-op appointment later this month).

I spent 2 days in ICU and then I was moved to a regular room. I was still confined to a bed. The doctors wanted me to have a certain amount of days with blood thinners in me before I started moving around. Just like in the ICU they insisted I try to use a bed pan. I told them my body does what she wants, but go ahead and try…and just like in the ICU I sat on that thing until I lost feeling in my rear end, with no luck. Unlike in ICU, they didn’t put a catheter in (Thank God!) but they did bring in an ultrasound to see how much fluid was in my bladder. It was fine until morning and by that time the doctor felt I could get up and walk to the toilet. Was I glad to hear that!

By Thursday I was so done. My anxiety levels were off the chart, regardless of the extra meds the doctors prescribed and my blood pressure was starting to rise to showcase that. I was starting to have bouts of deep depression that I couldn’t shake and fleeting thoughts of suicide. My blood sugars are normally right around 100-120 but they were high every time they checked and I was losing patience with anyone touching me. I actually told off a few of the people who were there to help me. I just don’t like being touched and I needed to go home. I was so happy on Friday morning when I was told the doctors finally were setting me free!

Overall most of my nurses and CNAs were amazing during my stay at the hospital. They were helpful and compassionate, for the most part, but I don’t understand some of the philosophy differences and I am frustrated that the medical profession still does not assess the whole person. I have decided that I wont be going to PeaceHealth St John for my hospital needs anymore.

I am still winded very easily but I guess my body still has not broken down the blood clots. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I am having trouble getting back into my routine. I suppose this is normal. I am still learning what to do with this condition…but I am here now…

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Sometimes You Have to Fish on the Other Side of the Boat

by Summer D Clemenson | Aug 19, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life, Opinions

I have been very tired this week. Literally most of what I do is sleep. I am sure a lot of that is because my body is fighting the cancer. Yes. We have confirmation after my last procedure that the treatment is working. My body is killing the cancer. The tissue samples in my 2nd procedure were rubbery but my samples from last procedure were soft and brown, which is more normal. That means the IUD and the medication is helping my body get rid of the cancer on its own. If things keep going in this direction, after my next procedure in November we can start spreading out the procedures and maybe even cut back on the meds. This makes me very happy.

We have had a lot of trials to overcome. This week is not without them. My sister, Jamie Holloway, is still in the hospital. She is planning to have surgery on Thursday to have stints put in her lungs on Thursday. She is also confronting the reality that she is at the point that she has to give up much of her freedom. Her doctors want her to go to a group home where she will have round the clock care, which sounds great but she won’t be able to have her cat with her or visitors and she isn’t sure about her books or her internet. These are all her security blankets. She asked my opinion and I started asking questions. Before we could get really anywhere she told me she was going to ask about assisted living where she could have her cat, visitors and internet. I told her I felt that she would not do well in a place that did not let her have these things. She agreed.

I am heartbroken.

I just got off my Zoom appointment with my psychiatrist. He is nice but he isn’t my therapist. He is mainly there to make sure my meds are correct. They are. Even he asked if I had spoken with my therapist about Jamie. I look forward to Monday when I talk to my therapist.

I hadn’t realized how sick my friend was until I saw her in the ICU. It took me seeing her being helped by 2 nurses, knowing that they don’t put you in the ICU for no reason, to know that my friend and I might not get to do some of the adventures we dreamed of.

God gave me this message a few weeks ago. I have been chewing on it for a while. I wasn’t sure what it would look like because I wasn’t ready to write it. I have been reading a lot. I have been trying to live better. Enjoy life better. As our car is still at the shop because we don’t quite have all the money to pay for it and there are programs we have been waiting YEARS for that we know we are eligible for, but for whatever reason we are still waiting for, I could let myself be pretty let down with this side of the boat, but I know that there is another side of the boat.

On the other side of the boat, Jamie is safe. She is cared for and Nicholas, her cat is safe with Jamie’s brother’s family. Karen and I have a roof over our head, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear and we too are safe. We have everything we need. Not only that, we like each other and enjoy each other and many married couples can’t say that. Karen got hired on at another job that she will start this weekend. Although I don’t like her having to have this other job, I appreciate that she is willing to do it so our bills can be paid and we can save for emergencies like the car breaking down. Or better yet, trading this one in for vehicle that works better for us both.

I have been reading all kinds of books lately. I had to leave some people I love on their path because they were taking away from my harmony and balance. It is hard. It doesn’t turn off my love for them but it helps me heal and learn my harmony and balance so I can be a better person. From what I have read, it seems that in many religions there is a higher power or Creator, and the main goal is to learn peace, harmony and balance with others and to learn how to love others which doesn’t always mean staying with people that promote chaos and drama, whether intentional or not. Most religions promote listening over talking. I find this refreshing. Most religions teach a connection with all living things. I feel this. I have always felt this. I don’t believe this takes away from the teachings of Jesus, in fact I think it enlightens them.

Did you know that our Cherokee brothers call our White brothers, brothers? Even with all the terrible lies we told them and everything we took from them, they consider them on their own path. The Cherokee have sacred teachings about everything from the beginning of time that talk about global warming and chronic illness, their teachings and ways would have protected us longer. They believe that their White brothers are just not as advanced on their path. That is how they talk about people that look like me.

I am reading Beloved by Toni Morrison right now too. If you have never read it, it is a novel where most of the characters were slaves at one point in their lives and they were from plantations where the masters were terrible. I have read easier to read stories. This is not one of them. One of the characters says that White people don’t know when to stop.

As I process these different ideas and books I know that not all White people are evil. This is a good time to fish on the other side of the boat. For every evil person, there were people that taught others to read, gave them food, took care of their wounds, gave them jobs and were their friend. There were advocates of every color and creed. There still are.

Why am I doing this? I am searching for myself. When I told certain people I had to leave them, I lost everyone. My family doesn’t reach out to me; they don’t answer me. I felt disconnected. But I am not. Karen is my family. God is my family. Everyone is my family. I am looking for what I don’t know that is missing in me. So I am reading autobiographies, random novels by powerful authors and everyday I am in the bible. I am fishing on the other side of the boat and I am amazed at what I am finding.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake!

by Summer D Clemenson | Jul 15, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Chronic Illness, Essential Oils, Opinions, Prayers, Thanksgiving

This has been a hard week.

I have thought about writing but decided to do my bible study before I wrote and each time decided I would put it off because I was not right and I didn’t want to write the wrong thing. Knowing when to not say anything is wisdom too.

Today I found the scripture that captured how I have felt and still feel a bit. I am so thankful that God is so faithful! He is so patient and helpful when we keep pushing into Him for guidance and healing.

I can see now that I set myself up for failure. I can blame no one but myself.

I chose to get my final COVID-19 booster on Saturday. I have been exhausted and my arm has been in more pain that I remember from most immunizations but Frankincense and Peppermint have proven to be the best helper.

I chose to visit a church that was an offshoot of a church I have been to before that I know has cult-like beliefs. I wanted to believe they would be different. They have amazing worship but their teachings are not entirely biblical. I know this. I was hurting a lot and I wanted to be healed even though God has told me that no one would ever be allowed to prophesy over me or heal me. I let them anyway and brought home someone’s spiritual junk.

My neurologist has been adjusting my anti-convulsants, hoping to address my Trigeminal Neuralgia with a medicine we are currently using to control my migraines. It seems to affect my moods until my body is used to the new dosage. I can see and feel this. I should stay off Facebook while we do this but I chose to become part of a conversation I should have stayed out of. Instead, a comment I made that was not fully thought about became a huge thing and one of my sibling’s adult children used a comment they used to use to hurt me. I am glad I showed restraint in my response because the next day when I looked at their comment again, I realized they were being 20 years old and not being malicious.

But PTSD had taken hold of me.

This comment had done its damage and they might as well have sliced me in two so I could have had Karen G Clemenson send pictures to my oncologist to see if my cancer was still there. I have been fighting with old feelings all week. Forgiving was painfully hard and didn’t seem to be working like usual. The pain would not go away. It has been very hard to function but I have succeeded to do my workouts on most days, do my bible studies, get laundry done and cook healthy meals…not much more.

I have worked though a lot of things and God reminded me that I don’t have to visit any churches this coming weekend so I can rest a bit more from the stress I caused myself and be able to enjoy some time with Karen on her days off. He never did say I had to join a church, that is something I crave. A family, but I have issues with family and He isn’t done working on me…

One thing that was a turning point for me this week, that really helped me stop focusing so much on my pain was the miracle that Jamie has found a doctor that will help her with her collapsed lung. You can learn more about what she is going through in her article called Update on June Goal! Jamie Holloway has been my best friend and sister for many years and I love her so much. When I need someone to listen or tell me the truth she is always there to listen and pray. She knows my heart, doesn’t feel the need to be defensive with me, and knows me better than most people so her struggle with getting enough oxygen hurts my heart. I pray every day that God heal her lungs and throat. I admire her strength and determination to have the best life she can even in the most scare circumstances.

So…I choose to forgive myself for putting too much on my plate and expecting too much out of myself and setting myself up for failure and I trust myself to the Holy Spirit that loves me and wants to see me whole by the grace of God. Amen

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Cancer Update June 2022

by Summer D Clemenson | Jun 23, 2022 | Cancer, Prayers

I was supposed to have a D&C on Monday. If you don’t know what that is. It is short for Dilation and Cutterage and it is exactly what it sounds like. It would have been my third one since I got my endometrial cancer diagnosis. The reason I didn’t have the procedure is that my insurance doesn’t want to cover the possibility that the IUD would have to be replaced at the end of the procedure.

Because my cancer is in stage 1 and class 1 we are treating my cancer with a D&C every 3 months, placement of a Molina IUD to help balance my hormones in hopes that my body will fight off the cancer on it’s own and then with the highest dose of Megestrol I can take every day. My insurance doesn’t want to cover an IUD that should last 5 years but it has to be removed for the procedure plus normal wear and tear sometimes makes it so that it must be replaced sooner. I can see why my insurance company is saying no.

I have a lot of doctor bills. They actually are probably pretty normal for a middle class family but we are not a middle class family. We have filled out all the applications for assistance but it seems like it still takes a lot of phone calls and time to get the wheels moving to get grants to help. I can understand this too. Right now, Legacy is concerned about the size of my account. I don’t blame them. I make payments each month but it all takes time and money and I have time and very little money.

I can see why we have been rescheduled for August for my next procedure. This procedure is the pivotal moment. This is the one that tells us whether the treatment has worked or if we need to talk about more serious options. This also gives us time to get assistance in order. It also let’s Karen start at her new promotion, get trained and receive her raise and work with her union. It may be that adding me to her insurance and having her insurance cover what mine won’t is the answer. We will see.

I am excited for Karen’s promotion. She has worked so hard for this. She loves it! And I get to see her more…plus it even leaves her more time to work with clients so she can still work on her dream of being a personal trainer. It’s a win-win all around.

When I do have my next procedure, if there isn’t enough change to see that the treatment is working we will have to plan for a laparoscopic hysterectomy. This surgery means I would have to essentially be upside down on the table for the procedure and that will put a lot of pressure on my lungs. If it seems that my body can’t handle this, the procedure will be cancelled and we will have to stop and plan for something else.

I am not a candidate for a vaginal hysterectomy. My uterus is very enlarged and I am very narrow. There is not enough room to safely remove my uterus without making sure all the blood vessels are handled correctly so that I don’t bleed out on the table. I appreciate that my doctor doesn’t want me to die during surgery. That doesn’t sound fun for either of us.

If the laparoscopic surgery doesn’t work we have to talk about an abdominal removal of my female organs which is dangerous and increases the risk of infection. We can also consider radiation. I am not wanting to consider either of these options but I will if I have to.

I am asking you to pray for me and my wife. She is good at wearing a strong face but I know she is worried. I am a stubborn woman and short of death, I will fight through no matter what but I worry about Karen. I don’t like pain but I am used to pain…although that doesn’t mean I want more.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

I Believe in Miracles

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 14, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life

I had my post-op appointment on Tuesday and it went well. My Oncologist said that the cancer is still there but that it is still stage 1, class 1, which means that it is not growing but it is not gone. Even though I am taking the highest dose of Megestrol and I have a Molina IUD, which has the highest level of hormones, 6 months is a short time to expect my body to eradicate the cancer in my body. Even though I believe in miracles, she and I agree that the cancer being gone that fast, would be a miracle.

For some reason the scale at my oncologist office will not work when I am on it. They have assured me it can manage my weight. I tell the nurses it is probably my magnetic personality. I see doctors frequently so they always ask me when I weighed last and I tell them. This time it was at my surgery, about 3 weeks ago. The nurse looked it up and I haven’t lost or gained anything. I am holding firm, despite not exercising and not really watching what I eat more than my normal restrictions, however I do drink a gallon of water or unsweetened herb tea almost every day. My doctor gave me the look when I told her that I haven’t been exercising. The answer that I had had severe cramping and bleeding until a few days ago was a good answer until a few days ago and I know it. She reminded me that if the drugs and IUD don’t work I will require a full hysterectomy and that is a dangerous surgery at my size. I know this and getting any weight off or at least being stronger would help me in many ways. I know this too.

Change can be a Miracle

As many of you know I have worked hard to be committed to my workouts. These surgeries every 3 months have thrown a wrench in my commitment. However that doesn’t mean that I can’t keep drinking 4 liters of water or unsweetened herb tea every day, which I do faithfully, only missing very rarely and eating well and balanced.

I started exercising Wednesday. This morning was painful but I feel better after my second day of working out and I know that I will continue to feel better as I get stronger, eliminate the extra water and waste in my body and build muscle. Losing weight would be nice but I have learned with this body to be happy with being strong. If I lose weight that is a bonus. Although I would like to be smaller for many reasons: I don’t fit in many chairs, traveling is hard and if I fall, my wife can’t lift me, even though she lifts weights and is stronger than many women, and I know she worries about that…If I need a hysterectomy it will be very dangerous at this size. I do know that, but I can’t worry about that. There is risk in everything and I have made many wellness changes in my life and have committed to continue to do so and that is all I can do.

Each day I have chosen to move my body on purpose has been a miracle because there was a time in my life that I did not do this. I am thankful that I have been able to commit to myself to be as well as I can be, in spite of chronic pain and illness. This is a miracle in my mind. I thank God for His help all the time. I remember when He has coached me and He still does. He knows me best.

Struggle can be a Miracle

I have been struggling with my Neurologist since I began seeing him on January 27, 2022. I thought I misread him, that maybe once I got to know him better that I would be able to work with him but his ego never got smaller. At our first visit he put my other doctors down and told me that doctors that aren’t helping should be fired. He had already decided my diagnosis before he saw me and began treating me for migraines immediately. I agree I have migraines but I went to him for the pain in my face that makes it hard to speak sometimes. This pain makes it hard to drink, eat, floss and brush my teeth, even washing my face can be painful and when it is really flared up, it can wake me up at night. He told me at my first appointment that all I had to do was email him when my face began acting up and he would prescribe what I needed but when I emailed him, he didn’t read my messages. All I got was apologies from his medical assistants. I left him with 3 prescriptions, 2 for every day and 1 for big migraines which I take, but when I have asked questions about these, I have got no response. I have called. Karen has called. No one calls back. So I finally decided I wanted a referral to another neurologist and sent an email asking for one. Still no response. Even when both I and Karen called.

Since I was in the building on Tuesday, I decided to stop by there. I felt so bad for the young lady at the reception area. She looked petrified when she realized who I was. I was not angry but I was direct when I told her my goal was to change my appointment on the 22nd to be with a different neurologist before I left there that day. She seemed tongue tied and went to verify information with someone. She thought I would need to ask my primary for another referral for a neurologist. I had the email penned before she came back but I deleted it when she let me know there was one neurologist that could take my case, if she chose. She would be in the office later. She pointed to her card, but I chose to not take it. I didn’t want to appear to eager. Instead I looked at her with honest eyes and said: I just have this pain in my face that he said he would help me with and he is ignoring me. I just need help. Her stress softened. I think she understood, I wasn’t trying to be a pain.

I am still waiting to hear from them. They do not communicate anything like my oncologist’s office.

Communication is really important to me; vital. I was ignored a lot in my life and I won’t be ignored anymore. Especially when it comes to doctors who I have hired to help me be healthy. The struggle I have had with this neurologist is also a miracle because it has forced me to stand up for myself and yet be fair and direct and not violent. To me this is a miracle. In the way I was raised the only way to be heard was to freak out but that is not healthy for me or for the people that are not hearing me. I have communicated my needs and expectations. I have heard their response. I know that if they don’t choose to serve me that I will be contacting my primary about a referral outside of Legacy next week and I am ok with that. In my mind that is a miracle.

Loving Relationships are a Miracle

Especially with gas prices where they are at, we wanted to make sure to stop by and hug Jamie Holloway before we left Vancouver. It was good to see her and deliver some treats I bought for Nicholas, her fur-baby. Even though she is only breathing with one lung and she started steroids that day, she looks pretty good and Yelena, her caregiver was there. She is a great lady. It was a nice visit.

I love when I get to see Jamie because I know I am with someone that gets me. We don’t even have to speak but our hearts do. Especially at this time, I know we hold each other up. She has encouraged and taught me how to fight for my wellness and I know I encourage her too. I have learned to ask more questions than to offer her advice. No one knows how to live in a chronic body better than a chronic person and what works for Jamie’s body doesn’t necessarily work for my body. She and I have been learning to live as well as possible in our chronic bodies for 8+ years each (she longer than me) we are not newbies. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn more but we do know more than a healthy person. Healthy people are blessed in a way they can’t imagine.

The healthy people around us, know something that healthy people that don’t take care of chronic people would never know. You have different conversations with each other. Karen and I talk about my death more. We talk about pain more. I may not know how to get rid of mine, but I know how to help her with hers. I know she worries about if she dies first a lot more than she tells me. That too is part of a loving relationship.

Tuesday was a great day. Wednesday was a quiet day. To be honest Mahjong was most of what I accomplished. I have slept late today and I know a nap is in the future as well but I am glad to have got my workout done. I have some cleaning that needs to be attended to as well.

I hope your day is blessed!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Better Habits: Refrigerator Stone Ground Oats Recipe

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 7, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Community, Food, Life

Regardless of what your food philosophy is or what diet plan you follow or don’t, eating is important. Babies that don’t learn to latch on properly at birth are labeled failure to thrive and have a hard path in front of them and people with food issues do too. I was raised with several food issues and I have spent about 20 years trying to reteach myself better habits.

Breakfast is a hard one, especially because my wife, Karen, works swing shift and doesn’t come home until at least midnight sometimes and I like to eat dinner with her so we don’t often get to bed until 2 or 3 am. So my normal breakfast time is not the normal breakfast time but really breakfast is really just the idea of breaking a fast so it doesn’t matter what time it happens.

I also don’t wake up easily. I hate waking up. I am grumpy and in pain so making breakfast is not something I want to do. I tend to batch cook so we always have something ready to eat in the fridge. Karen is an action person and she is always coming and going so I often have hard boiled eggs, a frittata and maybe a soup or stew in the fridge. Sometimes we can’t get a hold of farm fresh eggs and my body can’t process store bought ones. I also can’t eat a lot of gluten, sugar and since I have been on megestrol for my cancer treatment, I can’t eat avocados, coffee, tea with caffeine and most recently spinach and wild rice…I was craving Cream of Wheat a few months ago but knew I couldn’t have that. When I did a search I found they had a gluten free option, Cream of Rice. I purchased it and found that I hated it when I made it with water but if I made it with almond milk, I loved it…but starting that day with that many carbs was causing me to crave carbs all day. That wasn’t working for me either.

I had some organic gluten free rolled oats but those just seemed so heavy and for some reason they didn’t stay with me. Did you know that if you purchase oats that don’t say gluten free that they might have gluten in them? I didn’t know that but I sure could feel it sometimes. I like cereal in the morning so I kept thinking. Then I remembered that I had bought stone ground oats and had loved them in the past. I knew they took a lot longer to cook than rolled oats so I started Googling. I found that they had protein, fiber, potassium, iron and calcium while the rice really only had carbs…and I could soak them overnight and get the same effect as cooking them. How exciting!

Summer’s Refrigerator Stone Ground Oats Recipe

1 Glass Quart Sized Jar with the lid
2 cups Organic Gluten Free Stone Ground Oats
2 cups Raisins
Organic Ground Cinnamon
Sea Salt
Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk

I don’t really measure anything. I use the measurements on the side of the jar but I don’t get out any tools.

Add half a jar of oats.
I turn the cinnamon upside down in the jar and slap the bottom 30 times (or as much as you like).
I guestimate about 1 tsp sea salt.
I fill the rest of the jar with raisins.
I close the jar really tight and shake it really good.
Open the jar and fill it with Almond Milk (or whatever type of milk you like).
Put the lid on really tight and give it a really good shake. Refrigerate overnight.

In the morning…or whenever you enjoy your oats…

In a bowl that holds at least 2 cups add 4 tsps of oats from the jar and then add as much milk as you like. Heat on high for 2 minutes in the microwave. Stir and enjoy.

You should have 5 adult servings. Adjust for smaller eaters.

These oats are super filling! They have a luscious texture so if you are used to butter in your oats, you won’t miss it. There is just enough salt to accent the sweetness of the oats, cinnamon and raisins that you won’t miss the sugar so you won’t need to add more than what is naturally occurring in the food. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

Today was a great day!

Today has been a very productive day. I was really feeling down a couple weeks ago. I was starting to abuse myself because I felt like I had given up on everything I like to do, even writing and then I realized that although I hadn’t been updating my blog, I had taken to writing long Facebook posts and even dating them. For the last two weeks I have been going through all those posts from back in October when I got my cancer diagnosis and reading them. The ones that were good enough for the blog are now here…and that is most of them.

I learned a lot. I have gone through a lot. There is a reason I am exhausted. I shouldn’t let my mind tell me I am lazy or unmotivated. I am sick and I probably a little shell shocked. I am mourning losses and yet I am growing.

My phone phobia is getting worse. I can send small books via text or messenger but I can barely speak to people I love on the phone. It is very hard to talk to doctor offices. I am glad that most of the time, Karen makes those calls for me. I think that is why I feel like I failed so badly with my neurologist. I tried to communicate well with him but he was not able to reciprocate. I did not call on Monday like I said I would. I chickened out. But I did call today and I was put through to an answering machine where I explained my phone phobia and let them know that I would try really hard to answer the phone when they called back but even with all the worrying about that. They never did call back.

My primary called today. I could not make myself answer, at the time, but I did make myself call back. They were responding to my email about some tummy trouble I had for about a week. Luckily, when Karen called to reschedule my post-op appointment with my oncologist because of this uncontrollable issue, they put her directly through to the nurse who advised her that my meds were probably causing my issue and I realized that the the spinach and wild rice in the stew I had made were different than what I normally ate and when I stopped eating it, my problem went way…poor Karen has had a lot of that stew to eat on her own…So even though I was tongue-tied when I called I communicated to the person on the phone that I appreciated them calling to set up an appointment, but that the problem had subsided with the guidance of my oncology nurse, and was an issue caused due to a side effect of a medication I take for my cancer treatment, I was happy to keep my regularly scheduled checkup appointment scheduled for next month. She eventually caught up with me.

I am so much better in writing…

Yesterday was a blessing too! I was contacted by Heather at RAINS who was concerned because she had contacted Karen about a grant that was available for her. Heather let me know that both of us could apply and we should apply soon. What a blessing! So of course, I applied for both of us. We live in such a great community!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Medical Issues

by Summer D Clemenson | Apr 2, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life

My surgery went well last week. I will see my oncologist on Tuesday and I believe I will hear good news at my post-op appointment. But during this time I have been suffering with a bad specialist of another kind. I have sent numerous messages and Karen has called many times. From the very first time I met him, I have felt confused and that confusion has become bigger and turned into all out feelings of neglect. To have such success on one side of my medical issues and such failure on another has left me exhausted to the extreme.

I sought out the help of a neurologist to help me with the pain in my head that was making self-care and speaking difficult. There are times, I can barely speak and drinking water or chewing, flossing or brushing my teeth excruciating. I was told by my doctor that if these symptoms were to return I would only have to email and he would fill the prescription I need to help me get back into remission but he did not follow through with his word, regardless of my many attempts, even telling him the name of the medication that was previously prescribed by the ER doctor who helped me. He does not respond. The only response I ever get back is an apologetic medical assistant.

He asked me to journal my pain and what I do, which I did. This makes me depressed. I don’t like to focus on the same thing all the time, that leads to the same thing, that is not helpful. This is the same reason my primary does not have me check my blood sugar, because it makes me stressed out and makes it worse, and when I don’t check my blood sugar, my sugars are better controlled and at almost pre-diabetic range. I journaled anyway. I shared with him the information that although I took the meds the way he told me to and I drank a gallon of fluid a day, the pain was getting worse and the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain was coming back…and he wished me well on my surgery and thanked me for the update.

Meanwhile my beloved, sister, Jamie is getting ready for another procedure to see how much damage has been done to her lungs and if it can be repaired and I feel so helpless. I am so thankful for her other friends that can help her. I am so thankful and even jealous of her amazing team of doctors that communicate so well for her good. I want that.<

I deserve that so I have decided to fire my neurologist before my next appointment. Even though I haven’t been told my results from the MRI on my brain. Any doctor can tell me about that. Jamie suggested that I see this doctor face to face and tell him he failed but I just can’t afford to pay to see him again. We are still working on paperwork for assistance and I feel like I am drowning in doctor bills and I won’t pay to see this man again, who cares so little for me and so much for his ego.

I sent the following message to him tonight:

Dr *****,
I have thought about it and I need to make a change in our relationship. On our first consult you put down all my other doctors. You also lied: you told me sinus headaches are not real, but you gave me a magazine about migraines that said they were a type of headache. You also told me if I had any Trigeminal Neuralgia symptoms to email you and you would prescribe the medication I need. That also did not happen. You don’t even read my messages, while my other doctors do. It costs me 5% of my monthly income to see you. I need a bigger return from you to allow you to remain such a large part of my budget. I understand you probably have many clients with similar issues, if you took even a moment to say, “this is to be expected,” or something to let me know that I am on the right track, it would have helped me so much but as it is, you don’t encourage or educate me.

My friend suggested that I face you and tell you that you had failed me but I have decided that I don’t need to pay to see you again. Please refer me to one of your colleagues. Thank you….

I am going to find the doctors that want to help me be better. I plan to call and cancel my appointment on the 22nd on Monday and see about getting connected with another neurologist.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Until we stop choosing trauma, we can’t know peace.

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 22, 2022 | About Summer, Cancer, Life

My surgery is tomorrow. I have spent today doing laundry, drinking water, updating my blog with posts I wrote in October but didn’t post and trying not to think about my surgery tomorrow. The last time I went through this I didn’t know what to expect and it was kind of nice to just go with the flow. One good thing is that they are allowing Karen to wait with me in the prep area and she will be in the room directly after I come out of recovery. That will be nice. I am not a person who naps or relaxes so it will be nice to have her there to visit with me and make me laugh. They will probably appreciate me not trying to run away too…

But I am scared. Not just from the pain and bleeding following the surgery but the unrelated but even more painful nerve issues that arose in my face following surgery that seem to be arising before surgery now. One good thing, this time I have a neurologist and I have already contacted him via email and his assistant assured me that she has sent my message and details to him for evaluation. I don’t see him until the end of April but I am already seeing some scary changes since the 13th of March. I know that stress can make migraines worse and that is probably what this is, except for the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain that is making it hard to chew or floss my teeth.

When I was single I said I would never treat cancer. I would just let it take me. I had no reason to fight it. But now that I know what a healthy love is, that makes me want to be better not just for me but for Karen and our future and the children we are building our future for, I have to fight this. So as scared as I am. I am choosing to be brave and you know what? I know I am not here by myself. I feel a light holding me. The same one that has taught me, and saved me and protected me when there was no one there who could.

I have had Jeremiah 29:11 on my wall for weeks. It fell off a few days ago and I can’t find it but I have memorized the main idea of it? God said: I know the thoughts I think about you. They are of peace, not of evil. I want to give you a future and a hope.

If God wants to give me hope, He probably wants me to seek hope. I went deeper with my therapist yesterday about some family members who will never be satisfied with what they have. It makes me sad. All I ever wanted was time and relationship. I see money and things as tools to take care of people. I am glad they are comfortable and I pray they are satisfied someday. Hope is what I hope they find.

The world doesn’t offer much hope. We turn on the TV and there is violence, sex, drugs, anger. We are so desensitized to it, we don’t even realize we are drawn to it, even in all our good intentions. Our bodies and minds are frail and it is easy to become sick there too. Hope is the key. Hope is where we find abundance and joy, kindness, goodness and the very Spirit of God.

I hope the next time you think about watching a reality show that you think about how much production goes into that “Reality Show” so it will be compelling enough for you to want to watch it because trauma sells…and maybe choose hope. Find a show that teaches you something…or turn the boob tube off all together and read a book or play a game. Until we stop choosing trauma, we can’t know peace.

Be well.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Food for Thought

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 3, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I realized today that some of my depression is that I miss enjoying food. I miss coffee made in a French Press with cream. I miss green tea with honey. I miss avocado with a little Himalayan Sea Salt. I have a strong sense of smell and a good palate…enter cancer meds…I have danced through GERD, giving up many of my favorite foods over the years, or at least minimizing how I have them but these cancer meds leave a bad taste in my mouth always…

Now if I am eating or drinking anything that doesn’t have a clean flavor, it tastes disgusting. Like Stash Tea…which all restaurants serve. It is cheap. I understand why they choose to serve it but my peppermint tea tasted like an ash tray today… I am an ex-smoker (16 years free) so I have some actual experience here. I had a feeling I should have brought my own…Rude. Yes…but only my server would know…

Karen really wanted to celebrate her birthday today. We have not eaten out in a restaurant since before COVID-19. Seriously. This was big. We chose the restaurant we went to based on a post on Facebook. We had been there before. I always hope more for them but everyone else seems to think they are great…I guess because I am a pretty good cook, and I watch the Food Network a lot, my standards are a bit higher than I tend to find in Longview. When it comes down to it, I don’t want to travel out of town to get a healthy meal in a beautiful setting…

I wasn’t impressed with the out-dated decor and I wasn’t impressed with the lack of uniforms on servers but I was impressed with the cleanliness and the friendliness of the servers…that made up for the lack of ambiance…almost. I ordered a fish meal that I am positive was frozen and reheated which left me bloated and a little disheartened but the post that got me there-the cake…which was great!

The reason I won’t go back is that the owner was bad-mouthing another local restaurant while standing in the middle of the dining room…not while they were in their office or break room…Not cool. I miss some of the old social expectations of knowing when and where to air your laundry.

This restaurant won’t miss me. I have only been there about 4 times. Their website is terrible and ordering online is only going to work if you have their menu memorized because they have no descriptions listed. They are obviously not marketing to me. That’s ok.

The best part of my experience is the way the sunlight lit up My Love’s face in the restaurant. Our spot near the window was wonderful and the clouds changed so much while we were there; they gave us quite a show! Karen really enjoyed her pasta dish and I am so glad we had some time to laugh in a new place. When we left, there was a 20-something couple that took turns holding the doors for us. I guess we are old but there are benefits to not dying so we can live another day and keep moving forward.

Veda is still here but I tried harder today. I did part of my workout until my abdomen started to hurt. I paid the bills and ordered what we needed for the month. I met with my psychiatrist and we agreed to increase one of my meds a little bit. I had to wrap my leg today instead of wearing compression hose because of the size of my leg but I walked more today and then I stayed in bed to keep my leg up so maybe I will have more success tomorrow. We shall see.

We also found a movie that Karen loved!!!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

Veda is Here

by Summer D Clemenson | Mar 2, 2022 | Cancer, Life

I am so blessed to have everything I need. I don’t tend to go into detail when I am depressed but Veda has been here 3 days. I named her that. I can already imagine the conversation with my psychiatrist tomorrow: No. I don’t think I need more meds. I think I can name several natural triggers for my feelings and mood…

1. There is war going on. I can feel it.
2. I have cancer. The meds make me super tired. They have also affected my taste buds. So far I cannot stand cheese and avocado… These meds have also made my stomach much more sensitive than usual and I also cannot have coffee or caffeine at all…
3. In the next 3 weeks I have an MRI on my brain, mammogram and follow up surgery scheduled…
4. One of the meds I take for migraine causes swelling so no matter what I do, the lymphedema in my left leg is somewhat out of control… I went 2 days without a headache this week for the first time in forever but being swollen is painful and unattractive…
5. Being swollen no matter what has made it easy to skip exercising…Not exercising is never good for me…
6. I have friends going through personal things and I know they will be ok but I still worry…
7. Nightmares have started again…the horror movie kind…

I know you probably have a lot to pray about already…we live in the same stressed out world…But if you want to add me to your list, I am grateful.

On a positive note… I got another doctor bill in the mail today. I had a knot in my gut knowing I had $7 left in my budget after bills and groceries… God is very good though, that doctor bill is only $4! Praise God!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

« Older Entries

Subscribe to Email Updates

Please wait...

Want to be notified when a new article is published? Enter your email address and name below to be the first to know.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My Medical Conditions Are:

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Happy birthday Mom!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Change can be a Miracle

Struggle can be a Miracle

Loving Relationships are a Miracle

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Summer’s Refrigerator Stone Ground Oats Recipe

Today was a great day!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Feel free to leave your comments below!

Categories

Subscribe to Email Updates

Subscribe to my Latest Posts