Today was a special day. A birthday. They are hard. Days for special people that I love with all my heart that I can’t reach because they have not chosen me. Jamie Holloway suggested we have cake and sing, “Happy Birthday.” She was right. It helped a lot.
I have been trying very hard to not write about certain people. I want to be done with them but they still live in my dreams. They are still in my history. They still make me cry.
I recently texted something I needed to say to my mom, but I couldn’t say it to her. I don’t need an apology. I just needed to tell her. People can only give what they have. Most people don’t have the words I need. That is what Karen G Clemenson and Jamie and a few others that know who they are, are for.
Mom said that she thinks the blog is what really triggered these people. Whether that is what she meant, I felt some blame in that phrase. I am not angry about it. We don’t have to agree to love each other.
I never pulled all the heads off of someone’s dolls until they made Cabbage Patch Dolls and I couldn’t do it anymore so I outlined their mouths with blue ink. I have never chased anyone around a house with a knife on more than one occasion. I have never kicked anyone in the stomach over and over again while they begged me to stop. I have never stolen anything from anyone, especially their senior year, year book with messages from people they can never replace. I never helped someone buy their psych meds and then told everyone about it. I never told people I paid someone to do something that they did for free. I never poured river rock on top of the flower beds they dug out by hand and planted bulbs that they never saw produce. This is the short list. This is the list of only one person. This is the list that hurts the least.
This is the substance of a system that I was not born into but it became as I grew older and things changed; while my family changed.
I was told by several therapists that I should leave my family. I loved them. Most importantly there were sibkids (kids of siblings) that I adored and I knew if I left, I would never see them again because the system was what it was, so I stayed.
But when I got really sick, the kind of sick that doesn’t go away, I realized I had to change. And when I prayed to God for a partner because I really didn’t want to live anymore, and I didn’t want to live alone because even though I was surrounded by people, none of them ever chose me, there was Karen. So we married and even though nothing got better right away, I had some joy. One day we came over for dinner and my mom even told me how beautiful I looked. I didn’t know what to say. Joy does that for you.
But we tried to be part of this system and Karen was watching me get worse. And one day after a visit when I was unable to stay awake or get out of bed, she came home from work and begged me to get out of bed and eat something and take my meds. She begged me not to let them take me away anymore. And when the depression subsided and my mind came back around, I realized I had to make a choice, so I called my mom and then my dad and I told them both that I had to take a break from them. I didn’t know where the pain was coming from and I needed a break. My therapists suggested a complete cut, but I didn’t want that. I had hoped that it would just be a break.
But my sisters heard about it and they cut me off and took their kids. My only pure joy.
Ms. Colvin, my father’s second wife remained who she is. My oldest sister remained who she is. My older, younger sister stayed who she is. My father chose who he always chooses. There were lots of terrible things.
It became permanent.
I cannot and will not apologize for my writing my truth. I cannot and will not apologize for living authentically. Abusers need to be outed. I deserve to be advocated for. I deserve to be my own hero. I have earned my freedom. I will never get back the love I wasn’t given and that I deserved.
God is a God of reconciliation. It is because He healed me so much that I could hear Him when my youngest sister reached out to me and He said it would be ok, that I read her message about our mother that I have had amazing moments with her. But I have fought hard to be able to stand in my truth. I will not sit down now. I will not be quiet and let things be.
I will not attack my abusers on purpose. They do not have to read my blog.
It is their love for drama that created my need for the outlet that sometimes my blog is. This is my 653rd article on this website. These articles that might bring them up might take up only >5-10% of all of them. I am a warrior. I have beat cancer. Jamie reminds me of that all the time. I may have spent most of the day in bed today, but tomorrow I will get up and have a great day.
I am free from the system that my extended family holds dear.
Oh BTW I beat cancer!
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I’m much stronger than I have ever been and I have forgiven so much. I have learned who I am and I like myself. I like myself enough to be comfortable with saying this is who I am and it is ok that I am not like you. I can say no to abusive people or people that don’t add anything to my life, especially if they know they are hurting me, because I told them, and they are not willing to change, or worse, they tell me that if I am the only one with the problem, than I am the problem.
Learning Who I Am
I have been hurt by a lot of people. I walked away from most people for a period of time, some so I could get the medical and mental wellness help I needed. I needed to learn who I am, what I want, what I need, how to take care of myself and make healthy boundaries. Some of these people had hurt me, but it wasn’t intentional, they were surviving too and I needed to know how to see myself as an individual and not an extension of them. In fact I hurt them too because I was always angry and confused and we were all being manipulated by the same people.
I am very sensitive, I am also a sensory person. Lights, sounds, colors and large groups of people are hard for me, especially if I have not prepared myself for the experience. It took me a long time to learn how to do that.
I have been talking with God about the emotional pain I have lived with for most of my life and a lot of it has healed. I used to be so miserable all the time; fluvoxamine has helped me not want to die and slowed down my thoughts so I can process them in a healthy way. I don’t feel angry all the time anymore. I was talking with God several nights ago and had no peace about the pain I was feeling. My abusers will never hear me, even if I had the opportunity to tell them what I want them to know. They believe what they want to.
Over the years, I have become more comfortable with my emotions. Grandma Clemenson was someone who cried. I am more like her that way. The following morning when I was talking to God, I found myself saying to Him that I wanted my pain to honor Him and that was different and I felt a shift. I suddenly knew why He hasn’t taken it from me. Even the Apostle Paul had a “thorn in his flesh” that kept him humble (2 Corinthians 12:7).
I don’t leave home often but when I do, I meet people and I have moments with them that mean something. Because my pain is available, I never forget and it makes it easy to empathize with people that hurt, with people who might be ignored or misunderstood by others. It helps me love them.
Growth Is Good
I am glad I was able to reconnect with my mom and youngest sister. God told me it was time. He is always correct. I had always thought I was just like my father and I do have some of his good qualities. But I see that I am very much like my mom. We are givers. We are creative. We have had some great conversations.
We have been able to clear up some misunderstandings. I had always thought Mom didn’t like to talk about hard things, but since we have been able to do this many times and we both have been able to apologize for where we were wrong, I think she was tired a lot when she was carrying our family.
I was not as clear in some of my blog posts regarding my mom. Like in I Tried to Call My Father Daddy Once where I wrote about the call to my parents to tell them about my cancer. I only mentioned my mom, because I wanted to illustrate that I called her first because she deserved it. The article was about my relationship with my father. I should have left her out of the article altogether, but since I didn’t, I should have mentioned that she called me as soon as she heard my voicemail and we talked for a while, she tried to reassure me that I would be ok and she was praying for me. In our recent conversation, she told me her phone didn’t recognize the number I was calling from, but she called me right back after she heard my message, and she did. I apologized to her but also told her that article was about how bad my father made me feel.
There were other things I wrote about my mom that must have been confused in my mind. I have apologized for things I thought were true; I should have never mentioned anything about my mother’s mental health diagnoses, especially because I was wrong. Mental health can be a real bear. I am trying very hard to remain in now and stop looking back.
There has been a lot of mumbling about my blog. It’s sad to me that people get stuck on a few articles but don’t see the hundreds of poems, book reviews, articles about Jesus, research articles and my updates about my cancer. I have been writing since I was a child. I was skimming through many posts today, and yes, the last several years have been intense, but, in my opinion, there is some lovely art mixed in with my growing pains.
I am at a point where I don’t want to talk about my abusers anymore. I have said enough. They don’t deserve any more of my time. But I do want them to leave my mom alone. When I stepped away I didn’t keep sending her messages until I was ready to return. I certainly didn’t send hate mail. I didn’t lie or manipulate anyone to alienate her. I didn’t even do what I was accused of.
Society is in Pain
This week, I was watching a video of an influencer I have been watching for a while. He is a young man that I have been paying attention to as he grows into himself. He does beautiful things in his community, with the goal of building relationship. Usually he posts great stories about his interactions with people but the video I interacted with, was his response to two young women that took a couple Angel Tree tags off a tree and filled a shopping cart with merchandise and recorded themselves while doing it, and then left the full cart in the store when they left. Immediately people were angry or sad and other big emotions. Because I used to be on The Salvation Army Board for the Kelso-Longview Corp. I know how some of the ways the Christmas Center was run while I was on the board and volunteered. So I posted that the cards were only suggestions and that the Christmas Center was probably set up like a store so parents and guardians could come and “shop” for what their children wanted and needed for Christmas. I wanted people to not worry, children would get something to open for Christmas. My message was totally meant to bring peace to those who thought that those children would not get anything because their card was stolen.
And for many my message did what I had intended.
But for a lot of people my message illustrated 2 things for me:
Kelso-Longview is truly unlike most other places and we do things differently. I already knew this but I forgot. But it does make sense that each TSA Corp would function in the way that their community would respond the best.
People have been hurt. People have been hurt by groups, organizations and people that said they were going to help. Because of this they are cynical, gun-shy and sometimes just plain hateful. This I also knew because I have been there.
I have spent a lot of time the last two days responding to people because I thought it was right to tell them that I was wrong to tell them how my corps handles the Christmas Center, when I haven’t volunteered there for several years and I have never been to another corps ever. I also told them it makes sense that all TSA Corps would function in a way that best suits their community, meaning that those cards might really be for a specific child. I have apologized to people that felt as though the Corps in their area has taken advantage of them or people in their community (I don’t make excuses or argue, their experience is their experience). I have explained that I was raised being told that I would never get every gift on my Christmas list because gifts are not the main reason for Christmas, spreading joy, love and gratefulness is. I have said Merry Christmas a lot.
I also have been discussing with a gentleman in a community group why I think it is wrong to call people names because you don’t agree with their political beliefs. I don’t offer my opinion as much as I used to. I have begun reading other people’s responses and giving a thumbs up or hug to people I agree with and letting the rest go. Many times I find people that just like to swear a lot and call people names. Those people I respond by telling them they are an abuser. I never get a response from anyone on those. But this guy was different because, although he was calling a particular group names, he was using old fashioned names that were fascinating and intelligent. So I thanked him for being interesting, but reminded him that other people have a right to their opinion. He thanked me for noticing his great words and explained why he thought that people who believed a specific way were troglodytes and referred to a violent show that I have not seen to illustrate his reasoning. I told him that I believed that verbal violence was still violence, I had not seen that show, and I didn’t want to add to any violence. I think we are done with our discord.
My point is that our society is hurting. Many of us are hurting as individuals. Some of are hurting as families. A lot of us are hurting as a nation. Even some might say that the earth is crying out. I have to admit that several times this week, I have wanted to let my anger engage with some people. I am human and I wanted to have some vengeance. But I know that vengeance belongs to God. And when I didn’t want to let that prevail, I asked Karen G Clemenson, and she reminded me that the people I wanted to engage with, only like to fight and I would be giving them what they want. I don’t like to fight. I am trying to grow up here. I will 50 here in a few weeks, and I want to be a thoughtful and wise person like Grandpa Bill. I want to be a graceful lady like Nana. I want to by a good listener like Grammy. I want to be devoted and forthright woman like Grandma Clemenson. I want to keep creating and giving like Mom. I don’t need to let my temper or my mood swings get the best of me.
This year for Christmas maybe we should choose to be soft with each other. Even if it takes a few days to cool of so we don’t give more violence or hate instead of love and compassion.
Note: It has taken me 6 days to write this.
Image Credit: Isn’t my mom’s Christmas tree pretty?
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I am tired. Even my gynecological oncologist saw that in me. Since October of 2022 I have had an IUD and been on megestrol and had D&Cs every 3-6 months to treat and biopsy the cancer in the endometrial lining of my uterus. We had been doing this, hoping I could lose the weight I need to make a hysterectomy safer for me, but since megestrol causes weight gain, it has been impossible for me, even with the help of mounjaro, which I took for a year. So there came a point in the adventures in finding out you still might have cancer, that my doctor suggested we try radiation to kill the cancer and be done with it.
3 days after my one and only radiation treatment, I was in the hospital with blood clots in both lungs. Megestrol also causes blood clots. This was my second time almost dying. I will not take this drug anymore. So my doctor scheduled imaging. She wanted more information to help her make the next decision.
On August 12, 2025 at 3:45 pm I had an MRI. It was fine. I have learned to focus on the ceiling, if I can see it. For a few seconds, I could even see a tree outside the window. I try to see as far outside the tight fitting tube as possible. I could barely move but at least I could scratch my nose and touch my face when I felt a power surge on the left side. The energy of the MRI triggered my trigeminal neuralgia. After 40-some minutes I was exhausted. I counted to 20, I don’t know how many times. The triangle shaped pillow they put under my knees, was made for a smaller person than me so I had been holding up my right leg in one place for some time and I got a cramp. My back was killing me from the hard and very flat surface I had been laying on.
The pain was not any better the next week. The stress of the MRI had caused a fibromyalgia flare.
This is a post I made on Facebook on the morning after my PET scan on August 18, 2025
It took 4500 mg of liquid CBD for me to sleep through the night. It was extreme last night. I have never taken a dose over 2,250 mg before. I have a high pain threshold, which means it takes more to control my pain. I am used to taking enough to take the edge off. I only use cannabis and CBD products when I can’t sleep.
Most of the time I use doTERRA Deep Blue Stick to manage my pain and it just takes the edge off. If my pain is worse I just go to sleep. If I can’t sleep the above is my next tool. I can’t take Tylenol or Advil or other OTC meds without throwing up acid. I won’t take opioids, other than one or two days worth after a surgery, but I try to avoid that because I hate the side effects. I have been testing the Cannabis drops in order to know how to use them instead.
My body likes essential oils and hemp and cannabis in oil form, not smoking or vaping (I have tried). My body doesn’t like pain meds.
Thank God and my sweet friend for the CBD drops that are making sleep possible. I am waiting for them to kick in. I got a nap in earlier because of this stuff.
I have been under a lot of stress and my trigeminal neuralgia has been flaring up for a few days but is exponentially worse along with pain in all my joints and tendons since the PET scan today. I am wondering if it is from the radioactive solution they injected me with, since that is the only real difference from other imaging experiences. I think fibromyalgia does not like this stuff and is throwing a tantrum.
I feel like every part of me needs to pop but even if I can get it to pop, it doesn’t help. Stretching doesn’t help. More fluids doesn’t help. Even my eyeballs hurt. Hopefully this flare doesn’t last long.
The goal if the imaging was to see if we could find out if the one round of radiation had killed off the endometrial cancer. The night of August 26th, I could hardly sleep. I was so anxious to hear what my doctor had to say.
When Karen G Clemenson and I got there, I was happy to learn that I had lost 4 lbs since my last doctor appointment. Being off the megestrol was making it easier for me to lose weight, which is necessary for me to get the hysterectomy I need; especially due to where I carry my weight. The medical technician asked me about pain and I let her know that I had been suffering with severe burning pain in my vagina off and on, since I had had the radiation treatment. At that time, my pain was a 5. I had tried several things to help with the pain, but it was not going away.
When Dr Westhoff came in, she had me prepare for an exam. She was concerned about my pain. During the exam, she said that I looked healthy. Later I got results back that said everything was normal. At the time of the our meeting, she prescribed a low dose steroid suppository and told me to keep using coconut oil twice per day. Then it was time to talk about my imaging results.
What I had hoped for was not going to happen. My imaging results were inconclusive. They could not tell from the imaging whether I still had cancer or if the tissue was scar tissue from the many D&Cs I have had. Dr Dryer, my radiologist, wanted to stop with the brachytherapy and continue with radiation from the outside of my body. Dr Westhoff said that would make my abdomen more inflamed for further procedures. I personally did not think that radiation was a good experience and I don’t want to continue with it.
I want to continue to lose weight and have the hysterectomy. I feel this is the safest option for me. So in a few weeks I will see Dr Westhoff again. She wants to see how I am doing with weight loss and we will plan to put the IUD in so that we are doing something to control my hormones because I am refusing to take megestrol.
While I have been on this journey, my stomach has shrunk and I am eating smaller meals. I am focusing on getting more potassium in my meals because it is helping keep my trigeminal neuralgia under control and foods high in potassium like: avocados, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and sweet potatoes and yummy.
Tired really isn’t the word. And this isn’t the adventure I want to be having. But I am really thankful for the people God put beside me. I don’t know what I would do without Karen and Jamie Holloway and everyone that is praying for me.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I got an apology from my doctors office today. It summed up several calls I have been working on all week because I am out of Eliquis right now as of 4 PM on Friday.
I ordered a refill the week before last because I didn’t have enough for this week. I refill my pill sorters on Saturday night and always order whatever I need either Sunday or Monday. I had enough to get through this morning so I didn’t plan to start bothering anybody until Monday.
I knew there was a chance there would be hiccups because not only was there a dose change but my regular doctor didn’t prescribe this bottle of Eliquis, it was a hospital doctor. Plus I now have a new specialist; a hematologist and I wasn’t sure how she would factor in.
I kept checking with the pharmacy to see if my prescription had been filled and it had not so I called my gynecological oncologist, Dr Westhoff’s, office because she has been managing this medication. After two calls I was told that it was decided the my hematologist, Dr Dong, would be taking over this medication and Dr Westhoff would be sending the information over to her. This was Wednesday.
Thursday I called Dr Dong’s office and was told that the medical assistant could see there was a message from Dr Westhoff’s office but she couldn’t see what it was, and she would make a note of my call.
I have had two occasions with blood clots in my lungs where I came close to death. Self-advocacy is always necessary, but I am also very concerned about not repeating my past experiences. I am trying to remain calm because at the middle of Thursday afternoon, I know I will take my last dose of Eliquis on Friday morning.
I’m dealing with a cold and slept in but I still call the pharmacy by 2 pm on Friday. I had woken up to use the bathroom and took my early morning pills. I am out of Eliquis. The pharmacy says they have received my prescription from Dr Dong’s office but my insurance won’t cover it. Now I must call United Healthcare.
So I call United Healthcare and I speak with Hussan and he tells me that the last time I picked up my prescription, I was given a three month supply and they will not cover my prescription until the second week in September. I appreciate their math, however, I explain to Hassan that I have cancer. I had gone off my Eliquis to undergo radiation therapy and three days later, I had tons of blood clots in both lungs. I spent 5 days in the hospital and had to have a thrombectomy and when I left the hospital, the doctor had prescribed that I would take 10 mg of Eliquis, twice a day for 6 days and then return to 5 mg, twice daily. However, those directions were changed by my hematologist, who said to continue on 10 mg, twice daily for the time being. Since Eliquis does not come in 10 mg tablets, that is why I am now out and need a refill.
Hassan told me that he could not help me. What needed to happen was that Dr Dong needed to file a form of medical necessity (this might not be the correct name of the document, I didn’t write it down). He said she would know what this was and this is what they need in order to override the block on my insurance coverage. I was appreciative but irritated. And then to make sure I was super frustrated, he put me on hold and patched me through to another gal (I couldn’t understand her name) in order for her to set up prescription delivery. I didn’t want to do that and we were both antagonized by that so we said goodbye and hung up.
Then I called Dr Dong’s office again and I told the office person the name of the document that I knew at the time, because it was fresh in my mind, and she agreed, the insurance company was just being difficult. She put me through to my doctors nurse, who was obviously busy helping someone else, so I left a message…
Then I called my wife, Karen G Clemenson, because, even when I leave my number, they sometimes call her number, so I needed her to know what they were calling about.
Finally I got the call. My prescription is filled and covered by my insurance. My doctor’s office is sorry because they should have updated prescription before so it would not have had to be like this. Personally I am just thankful that Karen can pick it up after she gets off work.
This is why you don’t wait until the last minute to check on your meds.
Update: I noticed on the bottle that the prescription was changed but my doctor had not notified me so I kept taking it the same way she had told me until the weekend was over and I could reach her. I was told by her nurse that since during the thrombectomy, they installed and IVC filter in my groin, in order to stop any blood clots, formed in my legs from getting to my heart or lungs, that now I should only be taking 1, 5 mg of Eliquis, twice daily, instead of 2, 5 mg of Eliquis, twice daily.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I just added appointments to the calendar for imaging to see if the cancer is gone. I’m fighting an anxiety attack. I am supposed to do 3 more radiation treatments and I am terrified. I should be safe. I am taking 10 mg of Eliquis, twice a day. I should not be worried about blood clots. We have a plan for injectable blood thinners while we commence with radiation but I am just working through what I wrote during this time. I am just getting to a place where I can begin to push myself to build muscle. I don’t want to be broken down again. I’m just feeling sure for now. I don’t know if I am ready to be brave enough for another battle. Even if Karen G Clemenson is with me most of the time, I am still the one who has to fight. I am the one that has to bleed. I am the one that will wake up to a body that isn’t mine but is. I know I am lucky; my cancer is curable. It is slow growing. But it still hurts. I’m still gun-shy. I don’t want to trust people that are helping me but are going to cause me a ton of pain. I want to be done now.
This message is a very vulnerable one. I try hard to not live in this state because I know that I am here to live the life that God has created for me to live and I am not afraid to die. In fact there are very few things that I am actually afraid of for myself.
Angry Men Yelling
Earthquakes
Snakes
Personal Suffering
Other People Suffering
But through this time where I have had to undergo things that have shown me I am stronger than I realized, I know that the prayers of others have helped me so much. Although I try not to complain too often, when I have posted that I was suffering, those posts have been overwhelmed by the caring of others and I have felt the prayers and love from people I have both met and not met.
In a world where I have chosen to not join a church per se, I have found a church family, right here on Facebook, where there are people that regularly check in with each other and support each other, even if we have never met. We pray for each other and lift each other up and I find that to be refreshing because we don’t have to, but we do.
So when the moments come when I want to be done happen, I am always encouraged by you to keep going because there is always someone who cares and gives me encouragement. Thank you.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Healing is hard. I have said this before. Sometimes healing is harder than it has been before. Sometimes it takes us deeper than we have ever been before. Lower than we have wanted to go before. Lower than blue. The shade I call minor depression. Because I don’t just feel my own pain. I am susceptible to the world’s pain and even if I don’t look at it on my phone or TV or read it, I know the seething, shaking, and moaning that is inside me, is not just my own.
If I didn’t have God, if He wasn’t here to help me bear this and take it from me when I am ready to let it go, I don’t know how I would handle it because my go-to people have their own burdens. But even if the wars didn’t war and the fires didn’t burn and the weather didn’t tear down people’s homes, there is my body.
This body. I have learned that she needs love and never criticism, but sometimes it is hard. When she hurts, when she is hungry, when she has been fed. When she is tired, when she has slept and when she hasn’t. When I have to decide it is time to push her and then she bursts into tears.
I haven’t been writing off of Facebook for months now and I opened my laptop to find writing from May…half finished and notes in notebooks strewn on the desk from somewhere between then and now and the strong part of me wants to laugh and the part of me that has trouble reading my scribbles is still crying for the dead children in Gaza and Texas.
But this is who I am: A passionate profit that writes and prays, sings and sleeps, cooks and creates, dreams and does what she can every day…
So I will drink my water and try to find the rest of my notes and try to breathe because I am trying to put myself back together again because the dermatologist said the rash that healed last week, even though it took months to get in to to see her, was eczema, and I refuse to put steroid cream on my face, so I will keep using my oils, and my oncologist has scheduled my imaging for the 12th, and I hope to be closer to feeling like myself before we do brachytherapy, when I will probably fall apart again.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I don’t do a lot of cardio because too much causes my fibromyalgia to flare up. I especially have not been overly active this month because of the blood clot scare and having to take time to let my lungs, heart and liver heal, following this episode. I do, however, do an anaerobic workout most days. Anaerobic exercise is not cardio but focuses on strength training and stretching and over a long period of time I have built muscle. This is important because lean muscle mass burns fat.
It is also important because it makes me stronger. Even in the hospital, with blood clots, I surprised nurses and staff with my ability to help them, help me. It also came in handy yesterday
I don’t have as much endurance as I would like. I operate best at temperatures between 40-70 degrees. Any lower and my joints start to freeze up. Any higher and my joints feel better, but my body gets sick. Factor in that I am still healing from my blood clot episode and maybe even the one brachytherapy treatment (according to my oncologist) and it was 83 degrees while we waited for the tow truck, it was no shock to me that I could hear my blood pressure in my ears, which is usually perfect. Climbing into the tow truck was not something I could do without help.
But I am proud of Karen G Clemenson and I because we did it together. She has been lifting and she is stronger and I am stronger. I have also lost over 50 lbs. A few years ago when I needed help into the tow truck, it took both her and the tow truck driver, which was humiliating to me.
Even though I am still on the mend, I am going to add a few squats to my daily routine. Karen said 5 is a good place to start. I am hurting today so I agree, I don’t want to go too far, but I need to keep getting stronger and building my endurance. When you live with chronic pain you have to be patient with yourself but you make goals and see success.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I am so tired. Healing is hard. To quoteJamie Holloway, it is brutal, slow and exhausting. It takes time. It takes as long as it takes and no doctor can really know how long it will take you, especially if you are chronic because you already have things going on inside your body that count against you. When I post about what I am going through, I am sharing because I know that there are people reading my posts that are inspired. I am not trying to complain. I try hard not to complain. In fact there is a lot I don’t talk about, ever, even to myself. I might not even realize how much pain I am in, until I try to climb into bed and eventually have to get back up again to cover myself with Deep Blue Stick so enough of the edge will come down so I can fall asleep. (Learn more about Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils)
But I cried today when I spoke with my oncologist. She is excited to start back up with the radiation treatments. I asked her if it was safe, even though I still get out of breath easy and I feel like I am being pushed down. She told me it would be fine. I told her I was scared. I told her people think I am strong but it’s just an act right now. I don’t think I am ready to be brave yet. I just got to where I feel like I can stand. I have not really started walking like I normally do. She is excited about the injections we can switch to for my blood thinner while we do the radiation. She talked about Megestrol and wanting me back on it.
And I said no.
Megestrol causes blood clots. I am not back from where I was before my last episode. She agreed I almost died. She is the first person to admit that to me. I don’t understand why she would be excited to put me back on that drug. It has happened twice now. But besides that, I can feel full now. I am not hungry all the time. I feel the shape of my body changing and that is what I told her. I know I am losing weight because I don’t feel like I need to eat all the time. So now we are talking about putting the UTI back in. Both treatments were hormonal treatments to help kill the cancer, the UTI also stopped me from having periods and after not having them for 3 years, I remember why I hated them.
We decided to do more imaging. There is a chance the one brachytherapy killed most or all of my cancer. This also gives me more time to get my footing right.
My personal battle is just that, but really it is not the first thing on my mind, after I take care of my family. My heart is heavy because there is so much happening in the world, actually there is so much happening in the United States that I haven’t really focused outside of the US in a while. So many natural disasters where people are being misplaced. So many people being hurt by our government that is ignoring our rights. I knew our government was corrupt but it seems like a mirror has been placed in front of all our faces and no one is without sin. I am so exhausted by the sickness I see every day.
But I am aware of the pain outside our borders. I have family in the military. My heart and prayers are with them.
I choose God multiple times a day. My prayers are simple because I am overwhelmed and I hardly know what words to use, other than, “Please help me give this to You. Please help. Thank You that You are with them and You love us. Please give us more mercy and grace.” These are the things I say because I don’t what else to say. And I am thankful He knows my prayers before I say them. Amen
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have several meetings this week with different parts of my medical team. I met with my psychiatrist today. He manages my mood stabilizers. I don’t have a personality disorder, so these meds would not be technically called mood stabilizers but that is what they do for me, so that is what I call them. I asked him if we needed to change my Fluvoxamine due to possible bleeding issues, if it became necessary. He said we could, but there would be withdrawals. Since I have been taking this medication for several years without an issue, he doesn’t think it should be anything to start worrying about now.
I also met with, Dr Dong, my hematologist today. She said she didn’t find any hereditary signs in my labs to explain my blood clotting issues, even though I told her that I found out that my Grandma Clemenson and her father, and my father’s brother have had blood clots. She said it is normal that it is taking so long for my lungs to heal. Because of the past damage from having pneumonia and bronchitis so many times when I was younger, having COVID twice…and this being my second time with blood clots. Each time I have new damage it takes longer to bounce back. My lungs and heart and liver are still healing.
I needed to hear that reassurance. I feel like I am failing. I still get out of breath easily. I had gone a few years without needing my cane and now I need it all the time because I often feel like I am being pushed down.
When it is time to start up the brachytherapy, Dr Dong will switch me to an injectable blood thinner, Lovenox. When we are done with cancer, I will be able to go down to the low dose Eliquis I was taking before we started the radiation treatment. It seems this will be something I always need. I am trying to accept this.
I meet with my oncologist tomorrow so I will know more about when I start the cancer treatments again.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
You should always read your test results, especially if you are chronic. While preparing for radiation, I was having weekly labs, which showed me that I have low potassium one week and then, I was normal. I take a water pill daily and a potassium supplement because when you take a water pill, sometimes you eliminate important nutrients like potassium. But I also tend to crave an occasional pickle, potato or banana; these foods are high in potassium. Sometimes I get leg cramps, a sign of low minerals and I drink an unsweetened coconut water and I feel better.
It was good that I knew this because when I met my newest specialist, a hematologist, she asked me about my potassium levels and I had an answer.
I learned about paying attention to these things when I found out I had a tendency to become anemic. This is normal for someone with psoriatic arthritis. But it isn’t hard to maintain, usually. I try to have some beef a couple times a month. I eat one meal with meat (fish and poultry are fine) in it every day. I also love farm fresh eggs, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, spinach, cabbage, to just name a few of my favorite high in iron vegetables.
You can always google to look for the nutrients you are needing more of to add to your diet. Supplements are fine, but eating a well rounded diet is more satisfying and filling and also helps eliminate some of those unhealthy cravings that don’t help us reach our goals.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I have never had a blood clot, that I know of, until I got endometrial cancer, which both this type of cancer and the treatment of this type of cancer cause. My oncologist assured me that once my cancer was gone, I would no longer need to take Eliquis, which is very expensive, even if you have insurance. As far as I know, blood clots don’t run in my family so this should have been an easy run.
I am struggling with the fact that two doctors, one being my new blood specialist, said that since I have had two severe episodes, the last one coming on very fast and apparently originating in my lungs, I will have to remain on blood thinners for the rest of my life. This feels like such a failure.
I went off my Eliquis a couple weeks before my first radiation treatment . We had intended to start the treatments a week earlier but adjustments needed to be made so we didn’t do the first treatment as planned, but I stayed off the blood thinner.
On Monday I have to get some special blood work done. These labs will tell us if I have a hereditary condition, we didn’t know about. After these labs are completed, we will create a new plan of action for when we start up the radiation treatments, which have been paused for a month while my lungs heal and we figure out how to handle my blood clotting issue.
I wish drugs that are so necessary were not so expensive. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad to heal. I know I am a blessed woman. I wish I didn’t have to dig past so many distractions sometimes to remember that.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I woke up at 2:30 am on Saturday. I was aware something was wrong when I had gone to bed. Something had been wrong since Wednesday when I had had my first radiation treatment for endometrial cancer. My ribs and lungs had begun hurting. I thought it was fibromyalgia responding. This was normal but it kept getting worse. As I would get up to do things I would get out of breath easily. It had been getting worse. After going to the bathroom, I barely made it back to bed. My breathing never came back to complete normal.
At 3 am, I woke Karen. I told her something was wrong. I needed to go to the hospital. She was so tired. She watched me for awhile. I asked her what she was thinking and she said she was just watching me. Soon I needed to use the bathroom again. This time, I couldn’t make it back to the bed. I sat at the desk while I labored to breathe and sweated profusely. It felt like the last time I was hospitalized for blood clots. Karen agreed this was wrong. She started dressing. I was giving orders to pack certain things I would need. I knew I would be admitted. She was bringing clothes to me and helping me dress.
I had to use the restroom again and barely made it back to the desk chair. I was trying to figure out how I was not sure how I was going to make it to the car. I was so scared. Luckily the building we live in had chairs in the midway point so I could rest before forcing myself to walk the rest of the way to the car and get in.
As we started towards the main road, I said Legacy Salmon Creek. Karen was so scared she said no, St John. I said no. I won’t get out of the car. In the end I got what I wanted. I think St John ER is great, but I am still healing from my experience in their ICU with my blood clots back in 2022. I had a great experience with Legacy Salmon Creek in 2014 and my gynecological oncologist is there and she manages my Eliquis because my blood clots are related to my cancer, and she is an amazing doctor. I knew I would have a better experience at Legacy Salmon Creek and I did.
I was so sick. I had ultrasounds on my heart, liver and legs; very painful. My heart and liver were very stressed out because of the very large blood clot in my right lung and the many medium clots in my left lung. Both my arms are covered in bruises from constant blood pressure checks, blood draws, and drug administration. Even my fingertips are bruised from blood sugar checks.
I had to fight for my medications. The weekend doctor, although kind and interesting, stopped all my meds. Some of my meds are not meant to just stop. They kept me on a liquid diet and sometimes took even my fluids away as they weren’t sure when they were going to remove my blood clots. I didn’t care about food; I was too tired. Even jello was a chore to eat. But I hated when I couldn’t have water because when you are on oxygen your nose and mouth become so dry.
Eventually I got my meds back. Which is good because my mood was very bipolar. Thankfully I had my phone and backup battery with me so I could keep my music going. It helped my mood and often the nurses enjoyed it and would feel embarrassed when they started dancing. I told them not to be embarrassed; my wife dances all the time.
I had to be awake during my surgery so when the doctor needed to take a picture, I could hold my breath. They cheered when they got the biggest clot out. I think they forgot I was awake when I asked if I could see it because they were very surprised. When they were done, they showed me a picture of a huge pile of clots. I said, no wonder I was having such a hard time breathing. They agreed.
They also installed a metal mesh so that any clots that form in my legs cannot get into my lungs and heart. I will have that removed after my cancer is gone.
I am still very weak. You don’t just go back to 100% after having blood clots in your lungs and I still have some small ones in my lungs that my body has to break down.
I had stopped taking my Eliquis for the radiation therapy and been off of it for 2 weeks. The blood thinners stop the blood from clotting. I won’t be able to go off of Eliquis but for a couple of days when we return to the last three treatments, but Dr Westhoff says we are taking a month for me to heal. By the look of my arms, I know my veins are happy about that, but I know my lungs need to recover too.
On the way home, I was planning to make a lentil soup because that is the ingredients I have. When I told Karen, she told me no. Then I realized I have slept most of the day since Saturday and I probably didn’t have the energy to make anything. I did end up sleeping most of today.
Money is tight. All the trips to Vancouver are out of our normal. My Eliquis is a much larger dose so we have that too. But through all this, even though God could have moved this mountain, He didn’t. Even though I was too tired to talk to Him, except for a few people that landed on my heart, I know He carried me the entire way, provided for every need, and will keep doing the same because He loves me. God bless you.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Wednesday was probably the most painful day I can ever remember. It wasn’t the radiation that hurt, because it didn’t. But everything before and after that did. I have a great doctor and all the nurses were wonderful but being tied to a table with your legs up in the air is excruciating and unlike last week when I refused pain meds, this time, I accepted everything they offered, however it didn’t help.
I was under anesthesia when Dr Dyer inserted the applicator for the needles that apply the radiation, that is attached to the table. I was not under anesthesia when he had to put it back in because I had pulled it out because my knees were hurting and I couldn’t hold still. I learned to keep my hips still after that.
He was shocked when he finally asked me where my pain was and I told him my knees. We tried oxy, fentanyl, something that starts with a t, there might have been a few others and oxy and fentanyl we did twice, nothing worked. I had to be in that position for a CT scan, while they readjusted things, while they made an action plan, the 42 minutes I actually was getting the treatment, and until they could get me into the OR to remove the applicator and catheter. Pretty much most of the day.
Last week, I wasn’t there as long because when we got to the CT scan, he realized he needed to make more adjustments to the applicator and needles to do the most good for me. The pain had been in my back, my knees weren’t so bad. So before I left for the hospital on Wednesday, I covered my back with doTERRA’s Deep Blue Stick (contact me if you have any questions about this product). My back did fine. I will be doing this with my knees next time we do this and my back and bring it with me. Apparently, my body is used to doTERRA and not pain meds.
During the radiation I was trying to focus on my breathing but I was writhing in pain and moaning, sometimes praying to God. A couple times my alarms went off and I would hear my doctor’s patient voice reminding me that he needed me to focus on long deep breaths in and out. I was so glad when it was over. My doctor loosened the straps on my legs so I could move them a little bit but I still had to keep my feet in the stirrups. Being able to wiggle my toes and slightly straighten my knees helped so much!
My doctor told me he was so proud of me and that we had got such a good treatment that he didn’t think I would have a lot of bleeding. (I have a lot of blood vessels in my uterus and I tend to bleed for a long time.)
Eventually they took me to a regular room, which was odd because I was supposed to go home. They brought me a regular gown to wear instead of the paper one I had been wearing all day. They were surprised that my room didn’t have a bed and were about to order one and I said no. I had no idea why I was in this room but I had no plans to stay. I wasn’t about to put on a hospital gown, I could wear my own clothes. So one nurse began the hunt for my discharge orders and another nurse started taking the electrodes off my chest but I beat her to most of them and she laughed, knowing I was done with being handled by strangers.
It took a few hours to find my doctor because he was in surgery, so my nurse kept coming back to check my vitals and the first time she asked if she could check if I was bleeding, I said, “I have had more people in my vagina today than I have had in my entire life, knock yourself out.” She laughed.
Honestly I was ready to do anything to go home. On our way home we drove Hwy 30 instead of I-5. It was so beautiful!
I have 3 more treatments to go. The last one is July 3…so my Independence Day will be spent sleeping and healing…
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I feel frozen. We did not do a radiation treatment on Thursday, as planned, yet I had done the cleanse on Wednesday and I had the contraption inserted to do the radiation. I had the CT scan. I had several kinds of pain meds but they didn’t help at all. They removed the device. I’m still hurting inside. I’m still bleeding a tiny bit. I still have bruises and 12 injection spots on my hands. They didn’t try getting an IV in my hands until I was under sedation. If they would have asked me, I would’ve told them that was a bad idea. I am angry that I have 12 injection sites. They are swollen and hurt.
I have to do another cleanse tomorrow. I have to go back on Wednesday. This time I have to be there at 9 am instead of 6:30 but the time does not matter. I am not sleeping well at all so I am exhausted all the time. This feels too heavy.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
We did not do the radiation treatment today. Today was extremely painful. At some point, I had been given several forms of pain medication and none of them made a difference. My uterus is larger than usual so my doctor needs to adjust the length of the needles that deliver the treatment to give me the best opportunity for healing. It was necessary that I lie on my back with my legs in padded stirrups the whole time I was there. This put a lot pressure on my knees and back. It was terrible. Also there is a device they put in my vagina used to deliver the radiation. Even though my uterus is larger than usual, my vagina is small, long and curved.
I try not to snap at doctors but eventually I was just saying, “I don’t care, do what you need to do to get done.” Karen was not supposed to come in the CT room but Dr Dryer knew I was really suffering and he brought her in for a moment. He was not only letting her comfort me but he wanted to show her what he was planning. I love how Legacy’s philosophy is to treat the whole patient.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Today I am on a clear liquid diet and a colon cleanse to prepare for tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to be at Good Samaritan Hospital in Portland at 6:30 am and I will spend all day there, having several procedures related to radiation. The nurse explained it all to me but I don’t want to remember. I told her I will probably dissociate much of it but I will do what I am told at the time. This is how I get through hard things. I told her in stressful situations my body sometimes twitches in my torso. If it is severe, it looks like a seizure but it’s not. I also might might hyperventilate if I have an anxiety attack, but if you let me handle myself, I know what to do, however I will be under anesthesia for some of the procedures and I have not experienced these under anesthesia, I thought I should let her know. She was appreciative.
I was explaining this to my sister, Jamie Holloway, and she was sympathetic. I told her I had written down the parts I have to do before the hospital but I was trying not to think about most of it. I have left many details out. There is nothing I can do about it. She agreed.
I am so glad I have Jamie! Karen G Clemenson is strong and always by my side, but Jamie has taught me, by showing me how to do this. Many times I have been thanked for being easy to work with and I always tell the medical team what Jamie taught me, they are trying to do their job, helping them do that will make it go faster. They have a hard job. I don’t know what I would do without these two strong women in my life.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
I’m thankful because I’m starting to get better at getting my self care routine down every day. Getting hit with the need for radiation for my cancer and DJT as president at the same time, leveled me. I have accepted that radiation is my next step and although I am afraid, I am choosing to be brave.
The hell that our president and the republican congressmen have created or allowed, is, at the very least exhausting. It is hard to watch evidence of hatred, selfishness and power mongering. My pain levels have increased. It is hard to get out of bed. Since I can’t take pain meds, I sleep when I hurt. This is why I don’t have a job. No employer would be able to rely on me. This is why my disability check helps my family every month. Hopefully I will still get one in April and the following months.
My disability check supplies a tiny amount of money that goes into savings, a payment to my doctor bills and three creditors, it pays for our car insurance, our phones, some groceries, our toiletries, our cleaning supplies, it pays for my sister’s cat’s supplies because she needs help with that, it pays for my doTERRA and other supplements that we rely on for our health and our one splurge, Karen’s ESPN app. When all these are paid, my check is gone and Karen G Clemenson pays for everything else, including what my insurance doesn’t cover on my 14 prescriptions. I am blessed to have a wife that can and will work 3 jobs to take care of us.
We never go on holiday. We have never been on a honeymoon. We might get to go to a movie if someone gives us movie passes. We are very boring people and it is good that we like to be at home because we can’t afford to go much of anywhere else. I do my best to make sure there is food in the fridge for when Karen runs in, so she can eat something. I clean and mend her clothes so she always looks presentable. All our clothes are secondhand. We help others where we can and we are helped by loved ones too.
I resent our president. I resent DOGE. The inspectors generals that DJT fired in his first week already did the job that DOGE is supposedly doing without firing tons of United States citizens, closing important programs and cutting off funds that saved lives around the globe. Stress doesn’t make my life better. It makes me sicker. Donald J. Trump is making me sicker. He is allowing children in impoverished countries to starve to death.
There is a video I saw on Facebook of a democratic legislator. I don’t know his name. It was not written anywhere in a caption or on the video but he described that there is food that both democrats and republicans voted to send to Sudan and Ethiopia that was grown in the United States. We paid for it and we sent it to these countries. It is sitting in warehouses in these countries. Current government officials have said we need to make it available, yet DOGE won’t make the funds available to open the warehouse doors. 150,000 people will die without this food. If you want to see the video, there is a link at the bottom of this article. Why is DOGE able to override our government?
I don’t want to live in a dictatorship. I don’t want to live in a country where the president can pick and choose which laws he will follow; where he will dishonor judges, whose job it is to interpret the law. 47 is a man without honor and no regard for law, unless he can bend it to benefit himself. He is a draft dodger and a liar. What will it take for the MAGAs to wake up?
What will it take for everyone to realize the value of every United States citizen and stop trying to politicize everything human? When I was growing up teachers taught me that people were different and that was ok. What was important was that we cared about and respected each other. If we didn’t like someone, we were kind to them, but we found someone else to play with. This philosophy has served me well for my entire life and I wish more people would adopt it.
I’m a sensory person, certain sounds and lights and feelings hurt me. I have learned to be patient with myself but high voices make me feel crazy. Some sopranos hurt my ears and sometimes make my skin crawl. But I am not asking for legislation to outlaw sopranos. I see videos of legislators making arguments about public schools, without proving that the problems originate from the school system. I see a lot of statements but I never hear any questions or answers to my questions when I want clarification. Men want to regulate what women do with their bodies and straight people want to regulate what transgender people do with theirs; but I believe that if you are not part of the group, you don’t have a right to define it.
Just because you don’t understand transgender or queer people doesn’t make them bad. They are humans, trying to live their life and be happy. If you don’t know them, how do you know if you don’t like them? Because someone told you they were bad? What if those people were wrong or misinformed? Why would you let your fear run your life? That would be like me letting cancer take over my body because I am afraid of radiation. It doesn’t make sense.
Removing women and people of color from history on military websites and maps at Arlington Cemetery is pathetic. Removing flags that represent Native tribes from Veterans Services buildings is a slap in the face to people that don’t deserve to be disrespected. Not allowing certain words like women or trauma in applications for government grants sends quite the message that our government is no longer caring for people or the very women that gave birth to all of us.
This is much bigger than my worries about losing my disability check and health insurance, although I am. Money and power are not the most important thing. DJT doesn’t believe this and this is the way he is leading our country. His goal is to make the rich richer and to hell with the rest of us. He doesn’t care about the national debt; he wants to increase it. Everything he is doing is making the United States of America weaker. But we don’t have to allow this. Folks, we are allowing some very dangerous things to happen. We can’t be silent. We must speak or stand or write or walk or do whatever we can to maintain our democracy and take it back from the Trump administration and the MAGA republican congressmen that have given up their power to DJT and his followers or we are going to become like Russia, Trump’s favorite friend.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Nana never spoke about her cancer and I never asked her to. I wish I had. Maybe she would tell me what I am feeling is normal. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do, no matter how painful or humiliating and still the cancer lives inside me. I am a very modest person and I have had more strangers look at me naked in the last 3 years than I have in my entire life and I don’t even get the joy of being a mother. I knew I never would, even when I was young, but sometimes that pain feels new again. I know I am tired of the fight inside me.
Nana was a lady; very graceful and well-spoken. She taught me to be a lady, as well. I was often teased by my friends for some of my lady-like habits and called a snob for my vocabulary. Nana hated swearing. She said there were so many wonderful adverbs to choose from, why did people have to resort to such low speech? I remember, even my father’s second wife would tell me that she hated the look I got on my face when she swore, she felt judged. I don’t know what look she was talking about, but other people said the same thing. All I can say about my father’s second wife, is she is not a lady. In fact, after years in therapy and trying to make peace with not fitting in, I saw her flip off one of my relatives at a Christmas party and my thought came loud and clear: Why am I trying so hard? I don’t like these people and they don’t like me. I wouldn’t put this effort into strangers.
I can’t say I never swear, the fact still remains, I am the biological daughter of a sailor (Coast Guard) and my father was my preferred parent until he left us and between him and the kids at school, I learned a lot of ways to use words that Nana was not going to teach me, but I have to get pretty angry to use those words. But I am beyond even these words right now.
I am exhausted. The kind of tired that sleep can’t fix because when I do sleep, I have nightmares. I know it is stress. Considering radiation for my next cancer step has been difficult. It has been me, accepting that my body has failed the medication route. It is me accepting another, probably, painful treatment and more people looking at my naked body. It is me wondering if this will actually work and worrying about the side effects that the doctors can’t know about because I have fibromyalgia and she is a vindictive bear and she doesn’t like to be poked. It is me having sharp shooting pain in my face as my trigeminal neuralgia is triggered and stiff jaw joints as my TMJ joins in the party.
But is also the memories that are being unpacked that I don’t want to remember. My youngest sibling and my nephew are in town. They are helping my mother clean out her house. She is getting ready to sell her house and move out of state. My mother and I have made as much peace as we can. We know we love each other but we can’t have a relationship. We pray for each other. She emailed me and told me she would put my things in a storage unit and send the key to the gym so we could come get it. I thanked her. But my sibling started emailing me. I have had no contact with this sibling for years. The last time we communicated they told me to stop contacting their children.
All my siblings have said this to me.
Being an auntie was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me and those relationships were my most dear until I married Karen. I loved listening to the kids. I loved playing with them. I did not want to be their parent. I wanted to be their auntie. But my siblings felt like I wanted too much.
When my sibling wanted me to come to my mother’s house to unpack the garage that I had cleaned so many times over the years, where half of my things went into when we moved there because my new room was half the size of my old room, where I collected things to finally move out one day, even if I could have done it, I could not have done it with them there. I had always done everything alone. This sibling offered up my ability to see my nephew as a prize and it felt a punch in the stomach.
My nephew is a man now. He could choose to have a relationship with me if he wants to. I won’t have his parent be a go-between. I already gave all I could give to them when I helped to raise my siblings, and ALL that entails, and when I helped to take care of their babies, until they didn’t need me anymore and they told me to stay away from their children. As much as I love my nephew and cherish every moment I spent with him, I want a real relationship, not one build on manipulation. Even if that wasn’t the intent, that is what it felt like.
Manipulation is what I remember growing up. If I put up with a certain amount of abuse, I got a few new books. If I got my hair done, I owed a certain amount of chores, more than usual, even though I was on call 24/7 always. On the day my father and his second wife told us they got married (yes they didn’t even tell us they were getting married or invite us, even though they had lived together for a few years) his wife told us that their marriage would be more important than any of us kids. At least that statement was true. I always felt like I was being crushed. If I ever felt happy, there was always someone that knew how to take it away from me, so I learned to swallow myself.
My nieces and nephews were the only people in my family that I let see the real me. I let them see my joy, curiosity, love, mercy, compassion…anything good that was in me. I know that maybe that was hard for my siblings to see because that was not the Summer they ever got. They were raised by an angry, abused, absent Summer. They got the worst of me most of the time. I think my youngest sibling may have seen some of my goodness, but when they told me to stay away from their children, it had been probably years since they had seen anything good from me unless it was directed at their children.
Years later, I had always thought I had taken all the abuse, which is what I wanted, but after so much therapy, it became truth to me that that was probably not true, even though it looked like they had it easier, that doesn’t mean they were in a healthy environment. My siblings have their own traumas, even if they don’t remember them or have PTSD like I do. They might not mean to hurt me but they do. I had to choose myself at some point. And that point came when I was diagnosed with cancer.
I wish Nana and Grandpa were here. They always knew what to say. I was watching an interview of Pete Buttigieg on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert and it was so refreshing. Although Grandpa was a republican, Buttigieg being a democrat, doesn’t change the way he speaks from reminding me of Grandpa. He always pauses after a question to consider his words carefully and he uses beautiful words that mean tremendous things and when he has the opportunity to say something negative, he always takes the high road, while having a dry sense of humor. I know that many people, that are no longer in my life, might not agree with me, but I try to live my life in a way that emulates my favorite parts of Nana and Grandpa. People that do not bring out the best in me, or I don’t bring out the best in them, can’t be given much of my time because it is not healthy for either of us. This doesn’t mean I don’t have love for them, it actually means I am giving them the most love I have for them, by not abusing them or myself.
I know I can’t have a relationship with my parents. My father chose his second wife and I won’t have her in my life. I don’t think I can have my siblings in my life because I don’t think I can forgive them for removing their children from my life. I know they didn’t understand my relationship with their kids; they probably thought I wanted more than I actually did but I just wanted to love them and to be part of their life, to watch them grow and listen to what the kids had to say. I know my siblings didn’t like it when I told them what their kids actually wanted, but we come from a family where kids tend to be seen as extensions of the parents and not actually individuals and I didn’t want my siblings to make the same mistakes our parents made. My parents didn’t know me at all, if they did, they sure didn’t communicate it well to me, or they didn’t care. Neither did my siblings. In fact, I don’t know my siblings either.
I am curious about my nieces and nephews. They are all adults now. I assume they are busy with their own lives. Maybe some day they will Google me and reach out. I would love that.
Today, while I wrote this, I defrosted the freezer and cleaned out the microwave. As I washed the plate for the microwave, I thought of Nana because I wash dishes like she does. She often didn’t use a brush or wash cloth to wash just one dish, she just used her hands, scraping at hard spots with her finger nail. The other night I had a dream that Grandpa had set up a new game for one of my siblings and I to play. This particular sibling and I have no relationship. But while we played we were having a great time.I wondered why I would have a dream like that. After praying about it, I know that part of the reason we don’t get a long is that we are too alike, but also we didn’t get an opportunity to be playmates. Dad left too early and I had to become a grown up. Grandpa was letting us play in my dream and we were having fun. I am glad that Nana and Grandpa are still coaching.
If you want to watch that interview with Pete Buttigieg on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert:
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Tuesday I had an MRI. I have had lots of MRIs since my cancer diagnosis. I have had imaging at PeaceHealth St John, Longview Radiology, Legacy Salmon Creek, Legacy Mount Hood, Vancouver Clinic and now Good Samaritan Hospital in Portland and this one was the worst experiences ever. I am not saying this because of any fault of the medical team, they were wonderful, it was the equipment. Although I did stop counting the pokes at 8 for IV for the contrast dye. My veins are thin, deep and they roll. I have made sure to drink 3 liters of fluid everyday and I drank 1 liter and 24 oz before I went in Tuesday. It is all I can do to help. The specialists were busy so they kept trying…<
I have always got to wear my own clothes for MRIs. Not this time. They were focused on my uterus and unlike any other time I have had an MRI on my uterus, there was a nurse that came in to put some gel inside me to make my uterus more visible. This was uncomfortable and messy.
Eventually they decided to start the imaging until the specialist was available to get my IV in place. I’m as positive as I can be because I know if I make their job easier, I can be done and go home faster but I am a big woman with chronic pain and I am not going to lie. This MRI was a struggle.
When the specialists were available they were confident they would find a vein because they brought an ultrasound. They were successful but I swear they scraped my bone to do it. That was very painful; and I have an extremely high pain tolerance.
I didn’t want to go back in that tube. But I kept my breathing exercises going and my eyes shut and when I couldn’t stand it, I would look outside the tube to the ceiling and not think about the tube.
The sounds and shakes and quakes were different then I had experienced before. My body often answers quakes back with twitches but there was no room in the tube for that. So I kept breathing carefully.
I felt so beat up when I was done. I don’t usually let people help me, but this time I was in so much pain and I thought my back had frozen, so I did let the technician help me sit up. They kept complimenting me on how well I did, and telling me how most people can only do 10 minutes. But I knew if we stopped, we would just have to start over. They told me, most people don’t know that, but I do because I pay attention and my goal is always to find the best way to get done and not have to come back.
When I saw myself in the mirror, I kind of understood why they were so complimentary. I looked like I had been in battle. My hair was huge, my face was red, even the whites of my eyes were red.
The reason for the MRI was to be prepared for my consult with a Radiation Oncologist, which I had yesterday. My Gynecological Oncologist had referred me to him because it has been almost 3 years since I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and although it doesn’t seem to growing, it also won’t go away and my body is showing exhaustion from the treatments. I have always fought my weight and the drugs to treat this type of cancer cause weight gain and since I can’t get down to a weight that Dr Westhoff feels safe having me hang upside down for the procedure while they force air into my lungs and hope they don’t collapse, she really wants me to consider radiation and this particular doctor, at this hospital, has a procedure, she feels would work best for me.
Before I met Dr Dyer, I knew very little about radiation, but I was scared of it. My uterus is close to my hips, which already have damage from arthritis. I was scared that radiation could cause more damage to my hips, but Dr Dyer assured me that there was only a 1% chance of damage to my hips or my bladder or my bowel. I purposely am not willing to Google anything because I have anxiety disorder and I have freaked myself out online before and I am already scared. Dr Dyer appreciated this and he gave me a link to find the answers I needed to help me make an educated decision.
Types of Radiation Therapy:
External Beam Radiation Therapy – A large machine aims radiation at the cancer site through the skin and other tissue to reach the tumor. It is given in small doses, or fractions. It is given 5 days a week for 6 weeks.
Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy – Using many small beams of different strengths, focusing high doses of radiation at the tumor and smaller doses to the normal tissue around the tumor.
Stereotactic Body Radiotherapy – A highly specialized type of external beam radiation therapy used to treat cancer that has spread to the liver, lungs or bone. High doses of radiation are delivered to the metastatic site or sites using very precise beams. This type of therapy is usually delivered in 5 or fewer sessions.
Brachytherapy – A type of internal radiation therapy used for uterine cancer, where the radiation is put inside the body, either directly inside the tumor or close to it. This may be done several times to deliver a safe dose.
Side effects include:
skin irritation, tenderness and redness
fatigue
diarrhea
frequent urination or pain while eliminating
nausea
Most side effects decrease over time when treatment is over. There is a chance that long-term effects on fertility, sexual health and bowel and bladder function will arise.
Since I was diagnosed, I have had several D&C’s in order to do biopsies and to remove any obvious cancer. I have an IUD that delivers hormone therapy to me. I also take Megestrol twice a day. These treatments have kept my cancer in stage 1 but, the treatments have not killed the cancer. The goal, all along has been to have a hysterectomy but Megestrol also causes weight gain. I have always fought my weight so we also tried Mounjaro to help me lose weight. I did lose 50 lbs but then it stopped working, I was tired of the side effects and we just could not afford it anymore. $140 for a month, after insurance was too much. I stopped taking Mounjaro in January, and at my primary appointment with Dr Canada, on February 19, I found I had gained 15 lbs.
I was bummed about the weight gain so I had to realize that I hadn’t been diligent with getting enough fluids in daily. So I fixed that. I also started adding doTERRA MetaPWR oil to my water which tastes great and helps me drink more and not bloat up. I was still faithful to my daily workout. I had got lazy about portion sizes so I reigned that in a bit. I did some research and found that cinnamon was used during bible days to treat diabetes. I already take a tsp every day in my oatmeal and I think that might be why my a1c is 6.5, but I don’t think I can force myself to eat more, every day so I bought a supplement. My stomach is so sensitive and while I was researching something else, I found that ginger root is good for balancing the flora in our gut. I love ginger but I am not going to be able to find a way to get it in my diet every day, so I bought a supplement and since I began taking it, my stomach is so much more friendly to me. I already have a blend of oils I put on my abdomen nightly that has ginger oil in it, but the supplement has helped too. So even though I take a great probiotic/prebiotic, I am loving the ginger too! I also found a video that explained that if I took Camu Camu, Apple Cider Vinegar and Guarana supplements before I went to bed it should have the same affects as Mounjaro, without the side effects, which were brutal. I started taking those on Wednesday. When I weighed in yesterday, I found I had lost 4 lbs. I don’t know if the new supplements are working. The video said these supplements should show a loss of 2 lbs per day. I am always a cynic but even if it is just a placebo effect, I will take it.
Dr Westhoff, my gynecological oncologists, wants me down another 35 lbs before we do the hysterectomy, which is still the plan, even with radiation because she doesn’t want the cancer to be able to come back. With the cancer gone, I can stop taking the Megestrol, which causes weight gain. I can also stop taking Eliquis because Endometrial Cancer also causes blood clots, which I never had before I had cancer. So I can get rid of two expensive medications and have an easier time losing weight.
Dr Dyer was confident that Brachytherapy was the treatment that was going to be the most successful for me. It would be done while I was asleep. About 1 time per week for 5 weeks.
Although I am still scared, I think I am ready to move forward and choose radiation. I want to be done with cancer. I want to stop taking a few of my 15 prescriptions. I want to drop one of my 14 diagnoses.
Karen thought Dr Dyer was very thorough. She feels like radiation doesn’t seem to be super risky, according to what Dr Dyer said. Since I have one of the better cancers to get because it is easier to treat, she thinks that it is good to choose this treatment. We have goals for our future and getting rid of this cancer is a good choice. I think we are on the same page.
When I see Dr Dyer next, he will have to give me a pelvic exam. My images looked different than I have seen them before. My uterus has always been large. It is still large, but no one has ever shown me my vagina and cervix before. It is very narrow and curved. Dr Dyer said he needs to see if he can actually get in there to do what he needs to do. As most doctors do, they downplay pain. As a man, he has no idea what it feels like to have a pelvic exam and I didn’t really need to see a picture to know I am very narrow and curved, but it answered my questions. I told Karen she definitely must come with me because I intend to be stoned out of my mind and so she will have to speak for me. She smiled, and agreed she would. I never leave the house inebriated but I don’t want to remember my next appointment with Dr Dyer no matter how friendly or thorough he is.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Someone asked me, today, if I thought all people that supported 47 were a certain kind of people. They used an acronym that I don’t know and that Google doesn’t know so I couldn’t answer their question. They were responding to a post that was actually a rough draft for my post: Why Aren’t People Angry Like Me? that ended up on my blog, so if they didn’t read my blog they didn’t get to read where I went with it. But regardless, I was very angry when I wrote both posts. But I have been thinking about who supports 47.
I still agree with what I wrote, but the level of feeling has died down and I haven’t read any news or watched any news for 5 days. I have been focusing on me. Reading my bible. Reading books that I want to read, which are not light reads, but are not directly related to 47, which tends to be a topic that gets me going pretty fast.
Left to my own peace-loving self, I believe that most people, regardless of where their politics lie, are good people; helpful people. If I had a house and it was on fire, I would not ask that only firefighters of one party show up at my house because the other party would not do a good job. If you were walking down the street and you saw me trying to save my family, you would probably help me pull my family from my burning house, or at least make sure 911 had been called, and maybe even hold a hose towards my house for me, while I helped my loved ones. You might even pray with me while my house burnt down. We would never ask who we voted for. We would just be happy that my wife and I were safe and my cat was counted for and I was even able to grab the safe with our documents in it. We might hug each other and you would be glad that The Red Cross came and we had a safe place to go to that night until our insurance took care of this mess. We would never talk about politics. Even if one of were wearing a MAGA hat. Even if one of wasn’t a Jesus Follower, we still might hold a moment of silence and lift up positive thoughts to the universe for our new friendship. Because I believe that when we don’t let stuff get in the way of the good parts of humanity, we are all connected.
I have never been rich. But I have been related to people with money. I know how to act around people with money. I know what to do with money. I know how to make good decisions with money when I have it. But I love love more than money. I love people more than money. I am a chronically ill person with a body that doesn’t do what I want it to do most of the time and I can’t be a reliable employee so I rely on my disability checks. My wife is a genius but was never encouraged to go to college. When she finally tried, she had a brain aneurism and it has taken her a long time to overcome the financial problems that caused. But she is a hard worker and an asset at every job she has ever had, although, she is rarely paid much over minimum wage and hasn’t had full-time hours in almost a year. But we have love and we really like each other. We have always enjoyed being with each other, even when we were just friends. So I consider us very wealthy.
We will probably never see a year where we make over $60,000, let alone $400,000. I am ok with that. It seems like a lot of responsibility. But you better believe, we are generous with the small amount we now have, so I know it would be just that much more fun to give if we had more! That is the way we live.
I am neither a republican or a democrat. I believe if both parties are truthful to their platforms, they balance each other out and I like that. But I don’t even think either party has been totally truthful to their own platforms for a long time. I miss when republicans wanted a balanced budget. They would have never voted to raise the debt ceiling before now, and especially not at the hundreds of trillions of dollars that 47 has proposed. Republicans like low taxes but in their hay day they would have seen that we can’t afford to cut taxes with our national debt this high. I don’t mind that democrats are often called socialists, a little socialistic behavior is good for the economy when you have children in homes that can’t feed them; how will they ever rise above their situation if they don’t get a good education and healthy food? So schools should be fully funded and children should be fed and have health insurance; they are our future. Anything we can do to help families, we should do because it helps children grow up and, “be best,” to borrow a phrase from our First Lady.
I am saddened that 47 is so set against the growth in civil rights we have made. We live in a world, where it is still not fair to be a person of color, a woman, a queer person, disabled, a senior citizen or a naturalized United States citizen and these groups of people still need help. They don’t need to be stomped on, erased or forgotten. This program to erase Diversity, Equity and Inclusion is downright mean. I don’t know why some white men need to be coddled so much. As a fellow white person, even though my family is only 3 and 4 generations in the United States, so yes, I think immigration is wonderful, I would like to remind you that white people stole this land from Natives. White people should not be the dominate race here.
I am avoiding the news this week. I am doing it on purpose. My anger got too big for me to handle last week. I have cancer. I often forget about that. With my 14 diagnosis, only one of them can be cured and it is the cancer. 4 of them are mental and the rest or physical and I never feel great. So the cramping and the exhaustion, they could also be something else. But I need to not be so stressed out that I am screaming at my wife when she comes home or I can’t answer a question without crying or shaking or having nightmares. My therapist is right. There is nothing I can do to change the trajectory of where things are going in our government. I don’t have time to fact check every post people put out there to make sure it is true, but many of them are complete lies. There are only so many emails I can send to my representatives.
What kind of people do I think support 47?
If I had to guess, people that like money, people that want more money and think he can deliver.
I think people that think it is ok to define other people and people groups, even if they have no idea what it is like to be those kinds of people, and tell them how to live their life, support him because he seems to be doing their beck and call, pretty well.
I think people that don’t have faith in science or believe that we need to change how we use our natural resources before we drown ourselves and scorch the sky, probably support 47.
I think people that believe that vaccines are dangerous for everyone to use and think they don’t need to care about themselves or their loved ones enough to find out if there is a medical reason why they should avoid them, or just a stubborn streak that is stopping them from protecting themselves and their neighbor, probably like the cabinet that 47 has chosen; regardless of the years of science that proves that vaccines cause disease to be eradicated.
I think that many people have thought that government has been too big for a long time, but I am not sure many of them had what is happening in mind when they said to drain the swamp. Or maybe they did, maybe people that support 47 like that hundreds of thousands of people are out of living wage jobs and have no health insurance and many programs that we have grown accustomed to accessing, are working worse that ever now that we don’t have people to man them. Maybe those people are very happy about this. I don’t know. I haven’t done a poll to see what kind of people still support 47. But I know that in April we have been waiting for a year for my wife’s FMLA benefits from when she had her hysterectomy. She has applied for help with the VA several times and she tends to get lost in the shuffle. I have sent in paperwork over a year ago for a disabled plaque so I can park closer to buildings, over a year ago and it has never come. I also ordered a copy of my birth certificate about 2 months ago; I was born in Washington State…it hasn’t come yet. All these federal programs could work better and I don’t think firing people is going to make them more efficient.
I also think that white supremacists and christian nationalist like 47 a lot. I think he likes them too. He gives the racists a freedom they haven’t had a in long time. A place to put their hatred. Even though I have heard him say he is not a christian, I have also heard him say he likes how loyal christians are. They definitely can be that.
I do know that a lot of people that support 47, seem to love the massive amounts of deportations of illegal immigrants, even if they are not criminals and need asylum, even though one of our greatest United States symbols is The Statue if Liberty and at her feet is a plaque that says: Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door! The Statue of Liberty – Ellis Island Foundation, Inc. This is what the Clemensons would have seen when they came over from Norway to Ellis Island and created their new name for a new life.
There might be more kinds of people that support 47. I don’t want to take my imagination any further.
One of the books I am reading is the founding documents of the United States. I bought it because I wanted a copy of The Constitution but I am also finding a lot in the other documents that are available in the foundation of the United States of America. Our colonists were really abused by England’s king. Many times, in more than one document it is stated that we will not have a king. The reasons are made very clear in more than one document. A king is not all powerful. He must still answer to his Parliament, however he still has power and he did some horrible things to us in his anger and attempt to own us. We have forgotten this. 47’s comments about being king, whether they are a joke or not, are not only unconstitutional, but need to stop. There is a reason we chose our type of government. We chose a president that answered and was held accountable and had less power than our congress on purpose. Our congress is made up of elected officials that can be voted out so that we the people hold the power. This is important to remember. This our country. The United States of America is 47’s too, but he is just one man and he works for us.
Another book I am reading is called Frauen. Each chapter is an interview of a married woman during the Third Reich. Depending on the social class or education level of each woman, the interview is vastly different. The experiences of these women are sometimes similar and sometimes extremely different. Some of the women knew Jewish people and were empathetic to the situation for them. Some women knew that not only Jews, but anyone that wasn’t what was what was considered perfect (disabled people, elderly, queer, gypsies, spies, criminals, black people, etc) were in the work camps and some camps were specifically death camps. Some women had an idea of what happened in the camps, but they were terrified and didn’t talk about it because they might end up there too. Some women didn’t know any Jews and only knew the propaganda they had been taught about the “dirty Jews.” Each story is hard to read. I spent most of my high school experience studying the holocaust, but it was always from the viewpoint of the survivors of the camps. I have never read anything from the people on the outside. Some of these people lived right next to the camps and they had to “not know.” Ignorant, uneducated people that were very religious, although Hitler did not believe in religion and religion was not part of Nazism, were what he wanted. These people were the easiest to manipulate.
I can see why people keep saying they see similarities to now and the Third Reich. But this is not 1933 and we are not in Germany, where we have just lost World War I and we have not recovered yet.
We are The United States of America. We do things our own way. We need to remember this. 47 is president, but this is our country.
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Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Jesus Follower, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Jesus Follower…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
Come to the Garden by Jennifer Wilder Morgan was a lovely Christian read about the main character, Jennifer, and her angel, Margaret. They met on her birthday in her Jennifer’s garden to talk about different experiences that Jennifer had had in her lifetime where God had been communicating and working in her life.
“All of God’s children have the ability to encounter the Divine but must have hearts and minds that are open to the possibility…Anything is possible for one who is willing to believe.” Chapter 2
Throughout the book I found important messages:
God knew me before I was born.
When we worship with music God joins us and rejoices.
Talk to God like He is your friend.
Listen to your dreams.
Listen to His voice.
God is the eye of the storm.
God is always with me. There is no darkness too dark for His light to encompass.
When God speaks, obey.
The past, present and future are all connected.
God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are one. They are light in the darkness.
It is the Divine will of the Father that all of His children are restored to Him.
Death is part of life, not the end; it is our way back to our origin.
When we don’t know what to pray our spirit does because God already know what we need.
Heaven is right here.
God wants to be the delight of our heart as we are the delight of His heart.
I have called you by name, you are Mine. Isaiah 43:1
This book was what I needed at this time. Something light, yet not; a reminder that I am a child of God and He is always communicating with me for His good pleasure. I chuckled a lot during the reading of this faithfictionnovel but I also had a few aha moments. I really enjoyed this book.
Have you ever considered what you would do if you came face to face with an angel in your garden? I haven’t, until I read this book. I am still not sure what I would do, but I did enjoy reading Come to the Garden by Jennifer Wilder Morgan. This book about listening to God and hearing what He has to say and learning to hear Him and be of service to him was both lighthearted and yet profound. I would recommend you read this book. It isn’t scary or too much, it is just right.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
January has been quite the month. It is the start of a new year and the start of a new presidency. I have been having some dental work done. There are many reasons to turn to children’s books. As I have written before, children’s books are great stress reliever. We don’t have children in our house, but we sure do own a lot of children’s books, not just so I can write this blog, but in case my great nephews come over…or any other amazing short people or just anyone that wants to have a light read wants to grab one.
Now without further ado 5 Books for January 2025:
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The Berenstain Bears Count Their Blessings by Stan and Jan Berenstain
The Berenstain Bears Count Their Blessings by Stan and Jan Berenstain is just another sweet story, in a long line of high morale children’s classics that help teach positivity. In this story, Mama Bear is a bit stressed because every time Brother and Sister go to visit a friend, they come back, excited about what their friends have, they they don’t have. But on this day, there is thunder and lightening storm that knocks out the electricity. This is the perfect time for Mama and Papa to talk about the weather and counting their blessings as the family huddles around the fire with their hot chocolate.
I find this fictionanimalpicture book to be endearing and educational.
Harold’s Fairy Tale by Crockett Johnson is a fantasy that begins in an enchanted garden with no flowers. Of course Harold must find out why that is, so on his artadventure he ends up in a castle with a sad king. There Harold meets with a witch with giant feet, a swarm of mosquitos, fire, rain and then a beautiful enchanted garden full of flowers and a fairy that gives him one wish, that he trades for a flying carpet that brings him home. When he finds his mother, he asks her to read him a bedtime story.
Curious George is a monkey that always finds himself in an adventure. In Curious George Flies a Kite by Margret Rey, the man in the yellow hat has work to do so George has the day to amuse himself. His new ball is a lot of fun, until George gets distracted by the window and must see who would live in the tiny house next door. This is George’s first experience with rabies and he really enjoys them until he sees a man going fishing. He tries to go fishing on his own but has no success and luckily his friend, Bill, is there to help get George out of the water. Bill has a kite, which turns out to be great fun until George attempts to fly the kite by himself. Fortunately, the man in the yellow hat is able to catch George in a helicopter and bring George and the kite back home.
This fun fiction children’s classic with animals is brought to life by the colorful pictures by H. A. Rey. This picture book is full of humor, morals and the innocent whims of Curious George.
Frank the Farting Flamingo by Humor Heals Us is just another children’s fiction picture book that gives us another reason to talk about farting. I don’t think most kids need a reason for this, but they will enjoy it. Frank is adorable though…and who doesn’t like to fart anyway?
I originally bought a copy of this book for my friend Linea, who insists she has the soul of a 10-year-old boy living inside of her. She loves flamingos and it made her laugh so much that I bought a copy for myself.
I had Frog and Toad books as a child and I was glad to recently obtain the collection. Frog and Toad Are Friends by Arnold Lobel is a delightful collection of 5 stories about amphibian friends, Frog and Toad: Spring, The Story, A Lost Button, A Swim and The Letter. I enjoyed all of the stories about Frog and Toad and their animal friends but my favorite is The Story.
Frog had come to visit Toad and he did not feel well. Toad offered Frog his bed and Frog asked Toad for a story. Toad, not able to think of a story, did all sorts of things to try to make his brain come up with one. He was not successful. But just as Frog felt better, he and Toad switched spots, because Toad no longer felt well. In turn, Toad asked for a story and Frog told Toad a story about a friend that did all sorts of silly things to help him come up with a story to tell his sick friend. By the end of the story Toad was sound asleep.
When I read this classic children’s story, my wife, Karen G Clemenson, had come home for lunch and she very much enjoyed these stories too. She told me that she enjoyed The Letter the most. It was about Toad and how he got sad waiting for the mail because he never got anything. When he told Frog about this, Frog immediately went home and wrote him a letter about how much he enjoyed his friendship. Frog gave the message to a snail to deliver. Four days later, as they were waiting for the mail, both Frog and Toad were overjoyed that Toad got such a lovely letter. I enjoyed this story too because it reminded me of my sister, Jamie Holloway, and I because even though we communicate daily, we also send letters to each other.
I enjoy how these two friends truly love and accommodate each other in this book. What a lovely example of friendship.
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven. For anyone reading this that isn’t a Christian, unapologetically, I am a Christian, but I believe there is room for lots of beliefs and religions in the world. It is not my intent to offend people with different beliefs than I have and I would be open to open-minded conversations with no goals of changing anyone’s mind, but sharing information. If you are interested in becoming a Christian…Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this: Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world. I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me. I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
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